Never-ending Mazda troll

This ad is a little old, but Mazda is still running ads in the same style, so we may as well revisit it.



Realistically, I don't know what I should have expected from the people who brought us this complete mess, but man, this is some seriously self-absorbed shit right here, isn't it?

Announcer: "They called his inventions novelties, even risky. But when Thomas Edison threw the switch, it changed everything."

I'd like to know who "they" are supposed to be, but whatever. Mazda - an utterly unremarkable car company in most respects - is comparing itself to someone broadly considered to be the greatest inventor of the modern age. And they're not being ironic. All these ads talk about someone changing their field, or even the world, with a remarkable new invention. And that's like Mazda, apparently.

Announcer: "Courage. Creativity. Conviction."

Courage. Courage! Just let that sink in for a second. Mazda is sucking its own dick about how brave it is as a car company. The courage to create... a CUV! The exact same fucking model that every car company has been putting out over the last five years. Give these guys the fucking Medal of Honor, because they are just so courageous.

Announcer: "SkyActiv technology makes the Mazda CX-5 lighter yet stronger, earning a top safety pick."

Well, that's very... creative? What the fuck is SkyActiv technology? There's a brief graphic on the screen which, if you freeze it, appears to be talking about the engine - "13.0:1 compression ratio," "advanced direct injection" - which may be great, but does that actually have anything to do with safety? You'd think this is the spot where you should be talking about crumple zones or what have you.

Announcer: "And more fuel-efficient than any hybrid SUV, without compromising performance."

Think about the sheer balls-out conviction it must have taken to decide that people might like their cars to be more fuel-efficient.

Announcer: "This is the Mazda way."

At this point I just picture Mazda like Mark Wahlberg in the last scene of Boogie Nights. That's right, Mazda. You're a star. You're a bright shining star.



That's a more recent spot, and guess what? Same shit. For a company that spends so much time touting its own boldness, Mazda has no problem whatsoever trotting out the exact same spot a year later, only with the inventor of the digital camera subbed in. What's particularly ridiculous here is that (a) it's clearly not the case that the camera was "virtually unchanged" between 1900 and the invention of the digital camera and (b) once again Mazda is comparing "making a slightly more fuel-efficient crossover SUV" to a massive technological leap. Uh, it's not. The CX-5 does get pretty good reviews, but there are a lot of compact SUVs and crossovers out there and at least a couple others also do well with the critics. Don't act like nobody else makes anything remotely like your product when literally everyone does. Is it the best model in its class? I mean, it might be, right? But if so, tell me why! And I mean, tell me why legitimately, without making flowery comparisons to invention pioneers or dropping impenetrable jargon like "SkyActiv technology," which almost no one watching this ad knows anything about. (It sounds cool, though, right? Better get a Mazda to get you some of that sweet, sweet SkyActiv technology, whatever it is!)

Do us all a favor, Mazda - stop acting like you fucking invented cars. If you want to sell me a car, tell me a few things about your car. Don't jerk yourselves off on television and call that an ad. I'm not saying this ad doesn't say anything about the car - we at least hear about the fuel efficiency and something vague about a safety award - but I get so turned off by the bullshit comparisons that I've tuned out before you even start talking about the CX-5 itself. Can't you guys just make a normal ad for once?

Can't buy me peanut butter

Jif! Boy, you can't get that anywhere, can you?



I mean, that's the message I'm getting from this commercial. Jif, beloved regional product, and certainly not major national brand. Right?

[Phone rings]
Mom: "Hey, college girl!"
Girl: "Hey, Mom! I just got your package!"
Mom: "Great!"
Girl: "Yeah. Mom, you're the best!"

And the girl reaches into the box and immediately grabs, not the picture of her with her beloved dog, not whatever mix CD that is (and what do college kids love more than mix CDs put together by their mothers?), but the jar of Jif peanut butter that her mom thoughtfully sent, because, of course, this girl has decided to attend college in Bangalore, India, where they do not sell Jif peanut butter.

Mom: "I thought you would like it."

Is she supposed to somehow know inherently that the daughter is talking about the Jif? Telepathic moms choose Jif.

Mom: "So how are your classes?"
Announcer: "It's more than just that great peanut taste. Choosing Jif is a simple way to show someone how much you care."

Whoa, whoa, WHOA, there, Jif. Settle the fuck down. I like peanut butter and all, but throwing an inexpensive jar of peanut butter (that the girl could easily have purchased herself at like a hundred locations within a mile of her dorm) into a care package is like the definition of "minimal effort." I guess they do admit it's "simple," but I don't think that's nearly pejorative enough. How about, "Choosing Jif is a lazy way to show someone how much you care?" Or better yet, "Choosing Jif is an ineffective way of showing someone how much you care, because seriously, who gives a shit?"

Also, man does that girl dig into that peanut butter quickly. Hello, freshman fifteen!

Mom: "We can't wait to get you home!"

"Back to Lexington, Kentucky, home of the immense Jif production plant!"

Girl: "I love you, Mom!"
Mom: "I love you too! We'll see you soon."

How soon is this girl coming home? If she's going to be back home in like two weeks, did you really need to rush out this care package? Clingy moms choose Jif.

Announcer: "Choosy moms choose Jif."

I know this has been Jif's slogan since forever. And it's one of the classic slogans that like everyone knows. That said, it's kind of dumb, right? CHOOSY moms choose Jif? What exactly is choosy about picking the most dominant peanut butter brand in the United States, which is mass-produced on a grand scale? I'm not saying this inherently precludes quality or that Jif isn't any good, but selecting it isn't really indicative of choosiness. Moms who buy whatever's at eye level choose Jif. That's a bit more realistic, I think.

Low Voltage

The 2006 documentary Who Killed the Electric Car? is an exploration of the reasons why the initial attempt at production of electric cars in America failed. Various possible reasons were cited, including the desire of the oil companies to spike a competing fuel source, a lack of appeal to consumers, and fears on the part of the automakers that long-term revenues would drop because electric cars required comparatively little maintenance.

Well, between last fall's ad campaign for the Chevy Volt and the one they've started running recently, I think I have an idea for a sequel in case the electric car fails again: shitty advertising.



What?

[A bunch of aliens are examining the Chevy Volt in a guy's garage.]
Alien: "Chevy Volt!"
Guy: "Guys... this is the third time this week."
[Aliens look somewhat chastened]
Guy: "Okay, I'll say it again. It's electric..."
Alien: "Electric."
Guy: "But when I need to go farther, it uses gas."
Alien: "Gas."
Guy: "Please, tell me you understand..."

You know what, Chevy? Don't fucking flatter yourself. Do you think really think this idea is such a hard concept? Hey, it uses electric and gas! Congratulations, it's a fucking hybrid, except it reverses the typical order of fuel usage. EVERYONE GETS IT. It was bad enough in the initial ad where the premise was "idiots at the gas station will hassle you because they're confused, because this is just WAY too complicated for people to grasp." Now we're really out in the depths of the egos of Chevy's design team. "That's right, not even space aliens who have mastered the technology of interstellar travel understand how a car could possibly have two power sources!"

Here's how a Chevy Volt ad plays out in real life. Ready?

Guy: "Hey, I thought that was an electric car."
Volt owner: "Yeah, it mostly is, but it does use gas as a backup power source for longer trips."
Guy: "Oh, okay."

FIN, assholes. No one is confused by the Chevy Volt. And by pretending that everyone is, you're making yourselves look like supercilious dicks.

I'm not even going to talk about the ridiculous "punchline" to this ad, since it doesn't deserve comment. I will say, though, between the electric car and the aliens, was anyone else reminded of "We Do," the song sung by the Stonecutters in the classic Simpsons episode "Homer the Great," when they saw this ad? I'm just saying, if Steve Guttenberg pops up in the next Volt ad I'm gonna be really suspicious.

Sub-Optima

This isn't some ridiculously terrible commercial or anything. It's just kind of a mess.



I suspect this is what happens when there are six ideas in the pitch meeting and they just decide to use them all. My prevailing thought about this ad is that the first piece of the plotline, which depicts a couple handcuffed to a cop's motorcycle as the cop drives away in their Kia Optima, would probably have been sufficient by itself for the entire ad. You start with the couple driving, cop pulls them over, cop looks the car over and is taken by it, cop has the couple step out of the car, then hops in and drives away. Gets the point across, doesn't make wild, random lurches between events in something that can only charitably be called a narrative, and is at least conceptually amusing.

But does this ad stop there? No. In fact, it doesn't even start until right at the end of that piece of the plot. Instead, we move on to a helicopter grabbing the car with a giant suction cup and flying out across the ocean to deliver the car to some rich guy on a yacht. (Apparently this takes place in an alternate dimension where there is only one Kia Optima in existence, because surely with a base MSRP of around $20k, dude could afford his own. Hell, hiring that helicopter and fitting it out with the suction gadget probably cost more than that.) But does the yacht get to the rich guy? No. Because - watch the ad, this actually happens - fucking Poseidon pops out of the ocean, knocks the helicopter away, and examines the car.

Okay. I say this a lot on here, perhaps too much, but it's too often applicable: I know this is supposed to be funny. Or something. But I just find it stupid and "lookit me!" What use does Poseidon have for a car that he's like 20 times larger than? Or at all? Maybe it's just going to be a present for his daughter's Sweet Sixteen - not to drive, mind you, because they live under the sea, but to add to her collection of human items. She can admire the car as it slowly rusts, all the while humming "Part of Your World" and combing her hair with a dinglehopper. Or maybe this is kind of retarded and could just as easily have been left out, except that Kia apparently really wanted to show off more of their mediocre CGI.

Then aliens zap the car away, but they lose it as well, as the car is pulled through some sort of wormhole and ends up in Mayan times, ready to be worshiped as some sort of god. Okay. How do the Mayans know what a car is? What are they going to do with it?

So in 60 seconds the car is possessed by six different entities (I'm including the couple at the beginning, who technically have already been dispossessed before the 60 seconds start). Doesn't this seem a little frantic? Am I the only one who finds it sort of distracting and muddled? You'd think the idea of an ad like this would be to focus on the car, but in sixty seconds it seems to me that only about seven of them - 0:05 to 0:08, when the cop is driving, and 0:37 to 0:41, when the alien is driving - really show the car doing anything besides being pulled from one place to the next. A 60-second car commercial and barely more than 10% of it actually shows the car in action? (It could be worse, of course.)

That might even be okay if there were anything particularly distinctive about the Kia Optima... but it's a mid-size sedan, a.k.a. the most conventional automotive category in existence. Virtually every car in that category looks at least 80% like all the others, and the Optima hardly looks like an exception. It's not a hybrid, it's not electric... the only thing we know about it is that everyone in this ad wants it, which is hardly a convincing argument. Shit, even that awful Cruze ad cited the car's MPG. The only thing we get at the end is the starting price (which is only if you want it in manual, by the way). I mean, for all I know there are lots of awesome things you can get with the Kia Optima - for six million bucks, plus whatever it cost to produce, is it too much to ask that this ad mention any of them? Or should I just be thankful that no more hamsters showed up?

Coffee-mating ritual

Holy shit, Coffee-Mate. Really?



Express yourself! Reveal your true self to the world... by adding flavored creamer to your coffee. For real. Drinking flavored coffee is the equivalent of writing a song, or painting, or dressing in interesting clothing to stand out. Never mind that no one else will have ANY IDEA what flavor is in your coffee unless you tell them, and hey, that wouldn't be weird at all.

Office Worker 1: Morning, Bill.
Office Worker 2: Morning, Tom.
Office Worker 1: So, how are things?
Office Worker 2: Not bad. Especially since I'm drinking this... [holds up mug] ...hazelnut coffee! [takes sip] Mmm. You know, hazelnut-flavored coffee really speaks to me as a person...
Office Worker 1: Well, gosh, I would love to stay and chat, but I'm late for my exit interview!
Office Worker 2: You're leaving?
Office Worker 1: I am now!

Honestly, I would buy Miracle Whip as the edgy youth condiment before I would buy Coffee-Mate as an expression of self. Plus, what if you like your coffee black?

Office Worker 2: To me, hazelnut speaks to my artistry. I don't even feel like I can create until I've had at least three cups... but once I have, the creative juices start flowing and I feel like I can do anything with the canvas.
Office Worker 3: I hear you. I could barely muster the energy to press the keys on the piano until I had my second cup with the Cinnamon Bun flavor, but once I did, I was ready to knock out a concerto.
Office Worker 4: Morning, guys. Mind if I squeeze through to pour a cup?
Office Worker 2: Of course not, fellow coffee aficionado! So what'll it be for you today?
Office Worker 4: Um, coffee?
Office Worker 2: Well, of course. I meant what flavor of Coffee-Mate?
Office Worker 4: Oh, I just like it black.
Office Worker 2: I'm sorry?
Office Worker 4: Black. You know, no cream, no sugar, just straight?
Office Worker 3: I don't understand.
Office Worker 4: ...well, see, I'm just going to drink this...
[He puts it to his lips, but Office Worker 3 slaps it away.]
Office Worker 3: Good God, man! Do you realize what you almost did? There's nothing in there! No French vanilla, no amaretto, no gingerbread... it's just... it's just...
Office Worker 4: Coffee?
[Office Workers 2 and 3 shudder.]
Office Worker 2: I don't even like to think about it.

Coffee-Mate! Life needs flavor! Specifically, mass-produced flavor that you can pour out of a plastic bottle. Be your own person and express yourself by purchasing goods from a major multinational corporation!

(By the way, Coffee-Mate's website has a whole section dedicated to desserts they want you to make using Coffee-Mate for the flavors. I will say this right now: if you're making tiramisu or crème brûlée at home and you're using Coffee-Mate in the recipe, you have truly gone dead inside.)

Avocado's number

What the fuck is happening here?



[We open on a super-fake-looking party with goofy background noise and two people not actually talking to each other but rather holding hot dogs at strange angles. Cut to a woman who was clearly just standing there waiting for her cue, striding forward with... a bag of avocados!]
Host [I assume]: "Perfect!"

So this is some sort of weird avocado party? "Everyone just show up with a bag of avocados! All other food will be provided."

[The doorbell rings. Some woman opens it.]
John Lynch: "Hey!"
[The two people who were holding hot dogs look at each other and shake their heads.]
John Lynch: "Wait! I'm- I'm John Lynch! Nine-time Pro Bowler! World champ!"
[He flashes his Super Bowl ring, but it's no use - the door closes in his face.]

Was John Lynch invited to this party? Or does he just walk around neighborhoods wearing his Super Bowl ring, looking for houses with a lot of cars parked outside, trying to get into strangers' parties based on his extremely tenuous fame? (For the record, I watch a lot of football, and I would not have recognized John Lynch had he not introduced himself. Peyton Manning he is not.)

[The doorbell rings again; Lynch offers a tray of some sort of snack - chicken wings? - but the door closes on him again. He tries again with a football-shaped cake - no dice. The woman bulges her eyes as if to say, "I don't think so."]

This makes sense. I don't think I'd let some random dude into my party even if he used to play football and even if he brought his own cake. But wait until you find out why he can't come in.

Voiceover: "What do you bring to a party that has everything?"

Not chicken wings or a football cake, I guess. Although this party does not seem to have those things.

Voiceover: "Fresh, creamy Hass avocados!"

Um, question. How exactly does this party have everything when apparently all it has are Hass avocados? Hot dogs? Throw some Hass avocados on there. Canapes? Better be topped with tiny avocado pieces, asshole. Chicken wings? I can't think of any way to add avocados to that, so basically get the fuck out.

Voiceover: "Nothing else will do!"

Aside from making guacamole, who does anything with avocados for a big party they're hosting? If I went to a party and everything had avocados in it, I would make one of two assumptions: either the hosts have been growing avocados in their backyard and just experienced a bumper crop, or the hosts are in some weird cult that pushes the benefits of the avocado for some reason.

John Lynch: "Puppies!"

Lynch has learned a lot from Pierce, it would seem. But it's worth noting that this commercial ends on a cliffhanger. Do puppies get Lynch into the party? Does the fact that the puppies are in a Hass avocados box win him any points? Or are the guests just even more furious with him? "You took perfectly good avocados out of that box and filled it with puppies? I couldn't eat a puppy with avocados even if I wanted to. Get lost before we call the police on you for avocado-related harassment!" Dammit, Hass, I must know! I smell sequel! Maybe you could get another ex-football player who is not famous enough on sight to warrant appearance in a national ad to appear. I just hope you're paying them in avocados.

Zoosk alors

Sure, there are like 500 dating websites out there. Some of them will tell you about their marriage success stories, or how they'll pair you with someone compatible... whatever. How many can guarantee they'll match you up with the stupidest people on the planet?



Friend 1: "This guy's into camping."
Woman: "Eh."
Friend 2: "What about that guy?"
Woman: "Oh, yeah! I could definitely go for some 'serious romance.'"

Then, for reasons known only to the writers of this commercial, she envisions a situation in which she and the guy keep bumping heads, running into things, and getting generally physically injured while attempting to have sex. This would never happen. Also, I might have missed a memo, but no matter how you feel about it, I don't think "fucking on the first date" can really be construed as "serious romance."

Woman: "Maybe just a movie date, would be nice."
Friends: "Yeah."

That was actually her imagination! What is wrong with this woman? "Hmm, I could go for some wild first-date sex... no, that would end with comical injury, as they do. We'll just go to a movie!" In what universe does this commercial make sense? For that matter, how does it sell a dating site?

Voiceover: "Zoosk: the online dating site that lets you date your way."

As opposed to Joosk, the online dating site where your nagging mother pressures you into dating that nice boy from down the street - he's a doctor, you know. And would it kill you to have a couple grandchildren for me before I die? I don't ask for much.

Voiceover: "Whether you want to browse, flirt or find your soulmate."

I guess that's a fair point - pretty sure eHarmony, for one, isn't really big on "flirting." But even with that in mind, I feel like this niche was probably already filled by one of the 8500 dating sites out there.

But if you think that Zoosk commercial was dumb and made no sense...



Um.

Woman: "I should probably ask him out, right?"
Friends: "Yeah!"
Friend 1: "Oh, speaking of dating, how was the blind date your mom set you up on?"

And then we see that in the ten seconds the woman was finishing getting ready, the guy had a severe allergic reaction to her dog, cat, and some sort of shellfish hors d'oeuvre that was sitting on the table.

Woman: "I think I'll stick to Zoosk for all my dating."
Friend 1: "Good idea!"

Good idea? Fuck, great idea! After all, I'm sure Zoosk requires you to submit a full allergy profile when you register, to weed out the guys who might swell up hideously before you even have a chance to decide if you want to bump heads and throw your back out with them later in the evening. What's that? Even without looking you're pretty sure they don't do that? Well, their loss. I'll just stick to NoPetDanderOrFoodAllergyHarmony.com for all my dating needs.

I mean, honestly. I can think of seven thousand things that could go wrong on a blind date, and I can also think of at least two or three that are maybe something you could imagine being able to weed out based on an online dating profile (people never lie in those things!). But shellfish allergies? Not one of those!

I can see where the extreme seriousness and maritally-inclined tone of the ads for eHarmony, and even Match.com to a lesser extent, would turn off people who are just looking online for casual dates. But is this kind of goofy, unrealistic asshattery really appealing to anyone? For that matter, have we learned anything about the Zoosk site itself, other than that its ad agency has the imagination of a sea urchin?

Rethink extremely unlikely

Tying in with yesterday's State Farm post, I wanted to write up this ridiculous Honda Civic ad in which they outright claim that it will get you hired for a job you might not be qualified for. (Do you also need to have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night?) I couldn't find it, because for some reason people aren't lining up to upload boring, shitty car ads to YouTube. So instead we'll just talk about this AT&T ad, because it's just about as stupid.



Sure, okay, it can take some lucky breaks to get ahead in life. The ridiculous degree to which that idea is blown out in this commercial just makes my head spin, however. Questions I have:

* What was she even doing? So, she walks to the bottom of her steps, checks on a finishing download, and then immediately puts her phone back away? Why did she even need to get the phone out in the first place? Oh, because if she doesn't drop her shoes while putting the phone back away, the people would walk right past her. One second of contrived bullshit can make all the difference!

* These apparently quite influential ballet people will just invite any old person with ballet shoes in for an audition? "Oh, you do ballet? Well, even though if you were good enough to dance the lead in a show you probably wouldn't be dancing alone in some dark studio in your early 20s, why don't you come down for a tryout?"

* How many possible times in life can there be when doing something now versus three seconds from now actually matters and yet you also have time and/or a legitimate reason to download something on your smartphone?

[The Old West, 1887.]
Outlaw Cactus Joe: Well, it's just you and me, Sheriff. A duel to the death! As soon as the bell in the old clock tower chimes, we draw!
Sheriff Bill: Your reign of terror is almost over, Joe. Hmm, maybe I should download Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" for afterwards... [pulls out smartphone]
Daisy Mae: Sheriff, for God's sake! Now's not the time for downloads!
Sheriff Bill: Don't you worry, Daisy Mae. I'll have this song downloaded in plenty of time... say, this wireless network is just crawling right now.
Daisy Mae: [sobbing] Oh, Sheriff! You can't download that quickly with Verizon! It's only AT&T that has the nation's fastest download speeds!
Sheriff Bill: [nervous] Never you mind, Daisy. We're getting there. I think it's halfway done...
Outlaw Cactus Joe: Clock's almost to noon, Sheriff. And I ain't waiting for you to finish your download! When that bell chimes, I draw!
Sheriff Bill: Look, it's just... it's almost done, okay? Just give me two more seconds here...
[clock chimes, Cactus Joe draws and fires]
Daisy Mae: Sheriff! No!!!
Sheriff Bill: Hear me, good townsfolk! You must all switch to AT&T at once! I curse Verizon with my last breath! [dies]
Outlaw Cactus Joe: Well, time to rob the bank and sleep with some whores. And then I'll upload some pictures of that to Facebook with my iPhone! Mwa ha ha ha!!!

Pay no attention to the car behind the curtain

All right, Dodge. Your American Revolution ad was ridiculous. You've got 30 more seconds to sell me on the Challenger. And... go.



Sigh.

It doesn't take a genius to elucidate the reasons this ad is stupid, but let's cover them.

Voiceover: "When people see a UFO, they never say, 'I wonder what those consumer review sites would think about that thing.'"

Uh... what? I can think of about 500 reasons not only why no one would do that, but why no one would ever think that anyone would do that, including, but not limited to:

* No one is planning on buying a UFO, hence the lack of a need to see product reviews
* No one thinks consumer review sites would have information on a UFO
* What in blue fuck is wrong with you

Voiceover: "They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO!'"

First of all, I don't care how cool you think your car looks. It is not analogous to alien spacecraft technology. Second of all, I think anyone with half a brain can see the half-assed snow job Dodge is attempting to pull. This is like putting out a shitty movie, refusing to screen it for critics, then running ads that say, "When people see a beautiful sunset, they don't say, 'I wonder if Roger Ebert would give this sunset a thumbs-up.'" Dodge is basically saying, "Hey, this 30-second slow-motion shot of our car driving ten feet? That's all you need to see. What? Shut up. Stop asking questions. The Car Fox doesn't work here." It's nothing more than basic misdirection, an attempt to get you to focus on the one thing they're apparently actually proud of - the car's design - at the expense of anything else. I mean, don't most car ads have pricing, or some listing of features, or even just some legal boilerplate? Not this one. But it compares the car to a UFO, so hey, there's that.

Other copy that Dodge rejected for the ad:

"When people see a UFO, they never say, 'I wonder what kind of gas mileage that thing gets.' They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO.'"

"When people see a UFO, they never say, 'What do you suppose that costs? I sure would be interested in seeing some lease information.' They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO.'"

"When people see a UFO, they never say, 'Yeah, but the UFOs made in the Vega system are cheaper, safer and more reliable. I'm just not sure I want to buy an Andromedan UFO this time.' They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO.'"

You have to be kidding me

We talk about unrealistic ads on here all the time, but it's almost unthinkable how bad this one is.



Let me preface this by saying I've never been to a Buffalo Wild Wings. But I sort of assumed from the name that they were some sort of buffalo wing restaurant. And yet, in all the commercials I've seen of theirs - and during the NCAA tournament there have been more than a few - I cannot once recall seeing anyone eat, or even hold, an actual chicken wing.

In fact, the commercials that do air make Buffalo Wild Wings seem like the Trilateral Commission's private sports bar. A panel that enables them to fix the outcomes of sporting events? Referees in their back pocket? Truly this is a frightening vision of the New World Order.

These ads annoy me for a number of reasons, not least because "You have to be here" is such a ridiculous tagline. Why do I have to be there? It seems to be just like any other sports bar. And the idea of people in a sports bar not wanting to leave just kind of depresses me. How miserable is your life if you're all, "Oh, please let this game continue! When I'm inside the protective sanctuary of Buffalo Wild Wings, all my cares melt away! I simply can't face harsh reality again so soon!" If that sounds familiar, you've got bigger problems than whether or not this game goes into overtime.

In addition, this ad substantially misrepresents what it's like to be a fan of a sports team, as I think anyone who actually is (a group which apparently does not include anyone at Buffalo Wild Wings' ad agency, who seem to view sports as something they once heard of) would easily recognize. I mean, let's talk about what exactly is happening in the basketball game being watched in this ad:

1. New York and Boston are playing.
2. New York has just tied the game at 102 on a dunk with less than six seconds to play.
3. The entire bar, including any number of people in Boston apparel, cheers this result.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????

I don't care how great a time you're having at Buffalo Wild Wings, eating chicken wings (I assume) and drinking probably shitty beer. If you are a real sports fan, you want your team to win. A situation in which they somehow give up a wide-open, game-tying dunk with six seconds left is not something to be applauded. Further applauding when your team is going to win the game but is unable to do so because the player is blinded by a camera flash is complete lunacy.

But who cares if your team wins, right? You're just a fan of, you know, watching sports. In a general sense. It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you get to sit in a Buffalo Wild Wings for an additional 15 minutes. Because you just have to be there.

The American Dream Pasta

The folks at Ronzoni have come up with a new 90-second instant pasta, and they want you to buy it. So they've cobbled together a commercial that combines the element of hilarious overstatement with the fun of inane non-sequitur. Take it away, Ronzoni:



Man: New Ronzoni Bistro.

Woman: Yeah! Delicious pasta meals in 90 seconds.

Man: (in awe) Bistro pasta in 90 seconds...

Why is this man shocked? He apparently knew what the product was, and that it was new, before he even asked. This is the most easily amazed man in the world.

Man: Whoa, will my other dream come true? (shot of him on the White House lawn)

So, wait -- you had two dreams: one was to become President of the United States. And the other was for someone to create 90-second instant pasta from a bag? Are you sure there wasn't a third dream -- to one day eat a bag lunch in an office breakroom by yourself?

Secret Service Agent: He's not the President! (Man is tackled)

Even in this man's Presidential fantasy -- one of only two dreams he's ever had -- he fails. Someone get this man an imagination!

Also, what does this have to do with selling pasta?

Voiceover: At least you can have your dream lunch.

Thankfully, most humans aren't like the aspiration-less man in this commercial. And that means that our dream lunch isn't instant pasta from a dry bag. I guess when I think about my dream lunch, I picture something hot and fresh, and not a bag of dehydrated crap I picked off the grocery store shelf for 99 cents a week before.

So, remember everybody: Ronzoni Bistro Pasta -- it's the dream lunch -- for people who are dead inside. 90 seconds to personal failure!

Let's play "Guess the Advertiser"

Watch this commercial and pause it at 21 seconds. See if you can figure out what kind of company/organization this might be for...





Did you guess right? No? Dianetics didn't jump immediately to mind as a way to "conquer your own self-doubt?"

For those fortunate enough not to have heard of the subject, Dianetics is a laughably bullshit practice of Scientology. You can get "audited" by Scientology kooks with an "e-meter" to see how much stress you have in your life, and then they'll ask you to pay a ton of money for more tests, lessons, and creepily-written books by pseudo-religious crazy-man L. Ron Hubbard. Then there's stuff about thetans, and being "clear" and 95,000,000-year old galactic alien warlords named Xenu -- lots and lots of scary brainwashing. All part and parcel with Dianetics.

We've conquered the sea

Okay, I guess.

We've conquered the skies.

I suppose planes are pretty well-traveled nowadays, I'm still with you.

We've conquered the heavens.

Whaaaaa?? By "the heavens" do you mean the boundless stretch of the cosmos -- galaxy upon galaxy -- in the entire universe? We've orbited our own planet and put a man on our nearest celestial satellite. I wouldn't say we've quite "conquered the heavens." This isn't Star Trek.

But how can we conquer our own self-doubts?
Find out. Dianetics.org

Mm... right.

The best part about this ad is where and when I saw it -- on Comedy Central, in primetime, during an episode of South Park. The show whose creators lampooned the very religion responsible for Dianetics, and in doing so pissed off one of their vocal actors (a Scientologist himself) enough that he quit. What about that backstory made the Church of Scientology think buying time during South Park would be smart? Are they thinking they're going to get a lot of inquiries from the South Park viewership? How does this make any sense?

And, by the way, does anyone who follows a religion that worships an ancient galactic alien overlord really not have any "self-doubt"? Not even a little bit?

Put Dearborn, Michigan on your Bucket List right now!

Yesterday I posted about an email ad, so today I'm taking on a small insert in a direct mail package. Basically, I'm leaving all the meaty stuff for Windier (I know he's looking forward to seeing his favorite all-time company, Burger King, introduce their "Little King" kids mascot.) I'm happy just making fun of cheap, small-time advertising. Anyway, check out this herculean bit of salesmanship by the Detroit-area museum attraction, The Henry Ford:



The one place you must visit in your lifetime.

Funny, because before I got this in the mail yesterday, I'd never heard of The Henry Ford. There are a lot of places I feel like I must visit in my lifetime. Washington DC, the Grand Canyon, Manhattan, Paris, The Great Barrier Reef, etc. etc. I'm a fan of museums, too, and there are a many that you need to check out while you're on Earth, like the Smithsonian, the Louvre, MoMA, the Prado, many, many others. The Henry Ford doesn't even make that list. I guess maybe if we were talking about must-see museums outside Detroit, then I'd put The Henry Ford on there.

"The one* place** you must visit in your lifetime***"

*Of many
**Museum/Outdoor attraction
***If spent entirely in Michigan

Here you will walk where legends have walked and come face to face with America's most treasured artifacts.

Ahh, Dearborn, Michigan. Site of Edison's laboratory. The place that Lincoln was shot in. Where Rosa Parks took a stand against Jim Crow laws in the South. . . Wait, you mean all those treasured artifacts were transported to Michigan?

It's more like "walk where legendary tourists have walked." Also, "America's most treasured artifacts?" Look, Rosa Parks' bus is an important artifact. So is George Washington's camp bed. But, "most treasured"? It's not like they have the Constitution and Betsy Ross' American flag hanging above Henry Ford's old mantle here

This is The Henry Ford. America's Greatest History Attraction.

Yeah, except... the Smithsonian? The American Museum of Natural History? The Capital building? Like, any one of hundreds of other history attractions that are more notable than The Henry Ford? Are we pretending those don't exist?

Might be telling that for just 89 smackeroos, you can get "admission for two at two attractions plus overnight accommodations." I mean, are you sleeping in Rosa Parks' bus for that price? What kind of accommodations are these?

"This is The Henry Ford. America's Most Affordable Transplanted History Attraction."

Lose some weight, ladies!

Who doesn't love a good cheeseburger now and then? Sure, all that meat and cheese can't be very good for you, but hey, it's not like we can't handle a few of them. Right?



This is part of Subway's by now rather lengthy campaign to embarrass fast food chains by saying that their products lead to things like "saddlebags" and "a paunch". But there's a difference between saying that eating high-calorie fast food will make you fat and enumerating exaggerated consequences of that potential weight gain... right? Let's let the dialogue speak for itself:

Cashier: "Bloated feeling, regret, remorse, a bigger waist, loss of self-esteem..."

So, okay, fine. We would probably all be better off eating Subway than eating McDonald's, at least if you had to do one or the other on a regular basis. But isn't perpetuating the idea that people should feel bad about themselves for being a bit overweight slightly problematic? I'm not saying that people should be fat, just that it's probably not the best idea to have everyone in the world obsessed with dropping ten pounds.

Cashier: "...loss of boyfriend..."

This line is the real reason this ad is in here. Loss of boyfriend! "Be careful not to put on any weight, ladies! Your man will dump your fat ass like that." I'm okay with encouraging healthy eating, but lines like this make the ad play more like a threat. "Eat that cheeseburger and you'll die alone. And probably years earlier, fat stuff." There's a definite difference between eating right and being unhealthily weight-conscious; it's not clear to me that Subway is recognizing that.

Cashier: "...shame, years of therapy, fries and a shake."

Years of therapy? For eating one cheeseburger? Hell, even if you ate one every day! Years of therapy? You're a fucking sandwich shop, Subway, not some panacea for the world's ills.

The thing I don't get about this is why Subway suddenly feels a need to resort to ads that bully rather than just sell their product. Entrepreneur Magazine ranks Subway the #2 franchise in the United States, #1 American-based franchise in the world, and #3 fastest-growing franchise (after having been #1 in three of the last four years). Within a few more years, if not sooner, there will be 30,000 Subway restaurants worldwide; McDonald's, the world's single most visible restaurant brand, has around 31,000. Subway has been phenomenally successful and is showing few signs of slowing down. So what is the fucking deal? Why does the advertising have to get so harsh? "Eating anywhere else will result in loss of self-esteem and years of therapy?" Really, Subway? Fucking really? I know it's supposed to be a humorous ad, but let's be real here - Subway is not actually kidding. Clearly they want everyone to go to Subway instead of competing fast food chains, and that's fine; I would expect them to. But a series of ads that basically attempt to shame the viewer into doing so? Maybe it's me, but that just seems counterproductive. When was the last time you bought anything out of guilt?

Additional Scoops of Idiocy

Kellogg's ran an ad for Raisin Bran Crunch not too long ago that we here at Ad Wizards thought was an asinine, tortured, 30-second turd fest. Well, good news for turd fest aficionados: Kellogg's has apparently deemed that ad worthy of turning into a campaign:



In the spirit of cooperation, I'll assume this commercial is intended to be tongue-in-cheek, and I won't go into it line-by-line. But I would like to ask a few general questions:

1. Does something as vanilla as a bran cereal with dried fruit really attract "superfans"?
2. Is the idea of a bran cereal "superfan" supposed to be the basis for the "humorous" absurdity in these ads?
3. Does absurdity sell a lot of boxes of cereal?

Maybe Kellogg's knows the answers to those questions. Or maybe they have no idea, and they're just throwing shit against a wall and seeing what sticks. Either way, I guess they have a concept for an ad here. However, the "punchline" of the ad doesn't work. You have three Raisin Bran Crunch fans on a pilgrimage to the Raisin Bran Crunch plant. They are each eating cereal while driving in a vehicle emblazoned with the Raisin Bran Crunch logo and sporting a Sun mascot mirror dangler. All the while they're talking exclusively about Raisin Bran Crunch. Then, we have this:

Backseat Guy: You know what will really get us in the spirit? (singing) 99 boxes of Raisin Bran Crunch, if you're nice to me, I'll share some with you...

Passenger Seat Guy: ... (silence, turns head slowly, shocked expression)

Okay, no, dude. You are eating a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch in a car with 2 other people doing the same while traveling to see where Raisin Bran Crunch is made. You are certified, batshit insane. You cannot believably express surprise at anyone else's actions. You cannot believably act shocked at anything!

I have an idea for the next installment of this campaign: our colorful trio of RBC boosters decide they want to meet their mascot-hero face-to-face. So they volunteer to pilot NASA's first, and only, manned mission to the Sun. As they near the center of our solar system, the cheerful chords of "99 Boxes of Raisin Bran Crunch" fade away softly as their space shuttle, decorated with bright red Kellogg's logos, is incinerated at 5,778 degrees Kelvin. Tagline: Kellogg's Raisin Bran Crunch: Remember, it's bran and dead grapes. Don't overdo it.

I want more, more, more of that reckless overstatement I've been looking for

Diet Dr. Pepper's ads have long been a little... odd. For a while, the jingle ran, "I want more, more, more, of that Dr. Pepper flavor I've been looking for." You know how you might get that? Regular Dr. Pepper. Then it was "Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper!" More like it than what? You know what tastes most like it? Regular Dr. Pepper.



Um... what? There's another one in this series I couldn't find online where a six-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper actually walks across the grocery store to the "dessert aisle," because its taste is so "rich and decadent." What? Look, I realize that the comparison being made is mostly to other diet sodas, and yes, it's true that among diet sodas, Diet Dr. Pepper is near the top as far as closest facsimiles of the regular product. But let's not go fucking crazy here. Diet soda is not fooling anyone into thinking it's the same thing as eating a cupcake. It is not "decadent." No one is going to be all, "I'm cheating on my diet! This is so rich and sweet, it must be loaded with calories!" *turns can around* "Oh my God!!!!" Even regular Dr. Pepper is not "rich" or "decadent." It's pop, for crap's sake. It's not a five-dollar truffle or a slice of Black Forest cake. It's not a double-thick chocolate milkshake or two scoops of chocolate chip ice cream smothered in hot fudge. It's a goddamn can of pop. Calm the hell down.

A man on the moon. The end of the Cold War. Alt+Tab.

As most of you will no doubt be aware - since it sits just a few posts below this one - our own Quivering P. Landmass took on Apple's iPhone campaign recently, an act which must have represented a bit of cognitive dissonance for him, since he's a Mac user and generally likes most of what they do. In that spirit, may I present to you the ad campaign for the newest Windows operating system, Vista:



To be fair, there have probably been times in my life when the interface of an operating system might have made me say "Wow" in an awed tone of voice - I'm plenty old enough to remember when the only operating system anyone used on a PC was MS/DOS - but none of those times would have been later than 1993 or so.

I mean, come on, Microsoft. A 3-D version of alt-tab (which you get by holding down the Windows button and hitting tab instead, omigod omigod omigod) is kinda neat, but it's not fucking revolutionary. Fine, it's a nice new feature, but don't you dare compare it to the fall of the Berlin Wall or the achievements of the space program, you self-absorbed twits. Of all the new features they presumably added to Vista, that's the one they chose to highlight? 3-D tabbing? For fucking real? Maybe every time they tried to highlight a more important feature, the system crashed.

And what's this "delightfully unexpected" shit? Delightfully unexpected is when I find ten bucks on the ground or the ice cream store gives me a free scoop. The fall of the Berlin Wall was "delightfully unexpected?" That's the adverb/adjective combo we're going with there? Although now that you mention it, I seem to recall Reagan saying, "It would be just peachy keen if you would tear down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev." Or when Communism fell in Russia, and Boris Yeltsin got on the tank and told the crowd how "tickled pink" the day had made him? Good times.

Silliness or Laziness?

SoBe is making some questionable commercials. This brief 15 second offering sadly fits right into their realm of the bizarre and silly:



Lunchlady: We got fried eggs, fried cheese, fried beans, fried potatoes, fried bacon...

Ok, we get it, there's some unhealthy food served out there. Particularly during school lunches. But I really don't think they're serving mozzarella sticks at school cafeterias. "Fried potatoes" are usually called fries, and "fried bacon" is a little bit redundant (unless you're baking it, or using the microwaveable variety.) But these are small quibbles, and this list is mostly reasonable.

Lunchlady: ... fried butter

Fried butter? Seriously? I mean, come on, Americans eat a lot of fatty shit, but not even the most backwoods sippy hole race has a "Fried Butter" concession stand.

This would be like PowerBar running an ad that went, "Sick of eating Crisco straight from the tub? Try a PowerBar!" Hey, SoBe Life Water - you're a fluid health product. You do not get to pretend like you're a substitute good for a greasy solid food product, much less one that you just made up and is completely disgusting.

Voiceover: Find your healthy place (girl jumps into giant bottle of tangerine Life Water.)

Good lord - I really hope that's amniotic fluid inside that bottle, or she is going to drown. I don't care how much she enjoys fluttering around in there, that image really claustrophobes me the hell out. Imagine, in your last seconds, gallons of undoubtedly fake-tasting tangerine death water rushing into your lungs, staring at the backside of a SoBe logo - what if the last thing that went through your mind was kids ripping mattresses in half?

Voiceover: SoBe Life Water. Rich in antioxidants.

What do antioxidants have to do with the rest of this commercial? Isn't it oddly specific considering how sloppy and disjointed the set-up is? Antioxidants are useful in helping to prevent cancer and heart disease. I think what you might need after chowing down on some state fair-grade fried butter is Tums, or something to settle your stomach. In fact, you don't even need to gorge on fried foods to feel queasy - just watching a SoBe commercial seems to do the trick.