Saturday, February 19, 2011

Coffee-mating ritual

Holy shit, Coffee-Mate. Really?

Express yourself! Reveal your true self to the world... by adding flavored creamer to your coffee. For real. Drinking flavored coffee is the equivalent of writing a song, or painting, or dressing in interesting clothing to stand out. Never mind that no one else will have ANY IDEA what flavor is in your coffee unless you tell them, and hey, that wouldn't be weird at all.

Office Worker 1: Morning, Bill.
Office Worker 2: Morning, Tom.
Office Worker 1: So, how are things?
Office Worker 2: Not bad. Especially since I'm drinking this... [holds up mug] ...hazelnut coffee! [takes sip] Mmm. You know, hazelnut-flavored coffee really speaks to me as a person...
Office Worker 1: Well, gosh, I would love to stay and chat, but I'm late for my exit interview!
Office Worker 2: You're leaving?
Office Worker 1: I am now!

Honestly, I would buy Miracle Whip as the edgy youth condiment before I would buy Coffee-Mate as an expression of self. Plus, what if you like your coffee black?

Office Worker 2: To me, hazelnut speaks to my artistry. I don't even feel like I can create until I've had at least three cups... but once I have, the creative juices start flowing and I feel like I can do anything with the canvas.
Office Worker 3: I hear you. I could barely muster the energy to press the keys on the piano until I had my second cup with the Cinnamon Bun flavor, but once I did, I was ready to knock out a concerto.
Office Worker 4: Morning, guys. Mind if I squeeze through to pour a cup?
Office Worker 2: Of course not, fellow coffee aficionado! So what'll it be for you today?
Office Worker 4: Um, coffee?
Office Worker 2: Well, of course. I meant what flavor of Coffee-Mate?
Office Worker 4: Oh, I just like it black.
Office Worker 2: I'm sorry?
Office Worker 4: Black. You know, no cream, no sugar, just straight?
Office Worker 3: I don't understand.
Office Worker 4: ...well, see, I'm just going to drink this...
[He puts it to his lips, but Office Worker 3 slaps it away.]
Office Worker 3: Good God, man! Do you realize what you almost did? There's nothing in there! No French vanilla, no amaretto, no gingerbread... it's just... it's just...
Office Worker 4: Coffee?
[Office Workers 2 and 3 shudder.]
Office Worker 2: I don't even like to think about it.

Coffee-Mate! Life needs flavor! Specifically, mass-produced flavor that you can pour out of a plastic bottle. Be your own person and express yourself by purchasing goods from a major multinational corporation!

(By the way, Coffee-Mate's website has a whole section dedicated to desserts they want you to make using Coffee-Mate for the flavors. I will say this right now: if you're making tiramisu or crème brûlée at home and you're using Coffee-Mate in the recipe, you have truly gone dead inside.)


Anonymous said...

Thank you for speaking for those of us who have no voice.

Anonymous said...

I feel this article hasn't fully expressed exactly everything you can do with coffee, flavored or not. My domestic partner and I find it extremely pleasurable to pour it on our nizzles, which we exchange fo'shizzeling. Different flavors provide different experiences! For example, tiramisu makes him/her squeal like the Norwegian ridgeback from J.K. Rowling's fabulous wizarding world, if you know the kind of bacon I'm shakin' ;D... mmm... Another experience I feel necessary to share is the tendency to bone him up his puckering sphincter and by using flavored coffee(produced by the trustworthylicious Coffee-Mate), reduced scarring of the scrotum!(Holla!) I preach Coffee-Mating to all my ladies and gents' up in this wiz-world! My ribs tingle in the spirit of coffee! Such a blessed day this is, yall! Give thanks to the great all-knowing major corporation that brought this titillating delicacy into my fucked up life! I sometimes feel it is the one threshold of sanity I can cling to when the going gets rough and the tub gets crusted over... My life depends on this delicious and nutritious dream-liquid. Thank you Coffee-Mate. Thank you for being my candle in the dark abyss, my perfect attendance record, my brother's moldy umbilical cord, my half German uncle with one working eye, my life, my love, my friend, my other 'woman' behind the mustache. Thank you for being you.