Thursday, September 23, 2010

Zoosk alors

Sure, there are like 500 dating websites out there. Some of them will tell you about their marriage success stories, or how they'll pair you with someone compatible... whatever. How many can guarantee they'll match you up with the stupidest people on the planet?

Friend 1: "This guy's into camping."
Woman: "Eh."
Friend 2: "What about that guy?"
Woman: "Oh, yeah! I could definitely go for some 'serious romance.'"

Then, for reasons known only to the writers of this commercial, she envisions a situation in which she and the guy keep bumping heads, running into things, and getting generally physically injured while attempting to have sex. This would never happen. Also, I might have missed a memo, but no matter how you feel about it, I don't think "fucking on the first date" can really be construed as "serious romance."

Woman: "Maybe just a movie date, would be nice."
Friends: "Yeah."

That was actually her imagination! What is wrong with this woman? "Hmm, I could go for some wild first-date sex... no, that would end with comical injury, as they do. We'll just go to a movie!" In what universe does this commercial make sense? For that matter, how does it sell a dating site?

Voiceover: "Zoosk: the online dating site that lets you date your way."

As opposed to Joosk, the online dating site where your nagging mother pressures you into dating that nice boy from down the street - he's a doctor, you know. And would it kill you to have a couple grandchildren for me before I die? I don't ask for much.

Voiceover: "Whether you want to browse, flirt or find your soulmate."

I guess that's a fair point - pretty sure eHarmony, for one, isn't really big on "flirting." But even with that in mind, I feel like this niche was probably already filled by one of the 8500 dating sites out there.

But if you think that Zoosk commercial was dumb and made no sense...


Woman: "I should probably ask him out, right?"
Friends: "Yeah!"
Friend 1: "Oh, speaking of dating, how was the blind date your mom set you up on?"

And then we see that in the ten seconds the woman was finishing getting ready, the guy had a severe allergic reaction to her dog, cat, and some sort of shellfish hors d'oeuvre that was sitting on the table.

Woman: "I think I'll stick to Zoosk for all my dating."
Friend 1: "Good idea!"

Good idea? Fuck, great idea! After all, I'm sure Zoosk requires you to submit a full allergy profile when you register, to weed out the guys who might swell up hideously before you even have a chance to decide if you want to bump heads and throw your back out with them later in the evening. What's that? Even without looking you're pretty sure they don't do that? Well, their loss. I'll just stick to for all my dating needs.

I mean, honestly. I can think of seven thousand things that could go wrong on a blind date, and I can also think of at least two or three that are maybe something you could imagine being able to weed out based on an online dating profile (people never lie in those things!). But shellfish allergies? Not one of those!

I can see where the extreme seriousness and maritally-inclined tone of the ads for eHarmony, and even to a lesser extent, would turn off people who are just looking online for casual dates. But is this kind of goofy, unrealistic asshattery really appealing to anyone? For that matter, have we learned anything about the Zoosk site itself, other than that its ad agency has the imagination of a sea urchin?


Rev. Maynard Brainard said...

Megatons, thank you. So very much. I have despised that insipid commercial (the first one, though the second is equally horrible) since the first time my eyes were raped by it. Glad you chose to tear that one apart.

On a secondary note, you've gotta love the name "Zoosk." It's so WACKY and WEB 2.0! These days, you can get away with a silly name, because it's the Internet! The Internet is full of silly-sounding domain names, and they all make a killing! I mean look at Google! What's that, you say? It's a real word? Oh, well, then, how about Yahoo? That's not a real word and IT'S successful. What's that? It's based on something that is actually said sometimes in conversations that have nothing to do with low-rent dating sites?

Oh, I get it. It's one of the few 5-letter pronounceable .com domain names that was still available for sale.

Can't wait till they're all gone so this idiotic trend goes away in favor of an even more idiotic trend. Maybe we'll get a week or so reprieve between.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

The first one reminded me of this commercial:

She's gotta work on her fantasies.

Windier E. Megatons said...

Reminds me a little of that "classic" Ronzoni ad, too:

AiXeLsyD13 said...

I'm actually almost a little offended. As a person with a severe shellfish allergy, I feel like these people are saying that I'm somehow deficient of being a potential suitor over something I can't control.

Isn't that just as wrong as making fun of someone for being black, gay, Jewish, or handicapped?

Anonymous said...

First Commercial: I'm sorry, but I would LOVE a guy who enjoys camping. Camping would be a great date (although maybe a little too personal for a first date, how about hiking instead?). A movie is the most boring kind of date there is. You can't even get to know the person at a movie.

Second Commercial: Hello! YOU were the bad date here. He was cute and polite. YOU didn't even give him a chance and you didn't warn him about your very friendly pets. Every dog and cat owner I know will take care to make sure their animal doesn't lay on or bother other people. Even if you don't think to ask "are you allergic" you should at least be aware of what your pets are doing. As for the shellfish, that was an honest mistake and maybe he should have asked about the ingredients to be careful, but again, this was a bad date only because YOU were inconsiderate after what happened.

That poor guy was probably a catch and you missed out. Hopefully he went home and told everyone about the horrible date YOU were because you had no compassion for him after what happened and you wrote him off.

Really. She makes me angry calling that a bad date and blaming it on the poor guy. He may have been her perfect match if she even gave him a chance. And, how is a dating site going to guarantee you do not end up with another unfortunate situation you can't control on your next date?

Tabitha said...

Zoosk should be ashamed. Of both commercials but the by far the allergy commercial. She nearly KILLED the man yet some how he is the bad date?