Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Mm mm mm mm mm... coronary

Quizno's makes a pretty tasty sandwich. And why shouldn't they taste good? They're awful for you! I didn't even know this until I started trying to find their nutrition facts on the web, but Quizno's - virtually alone among fast-food places - has consistently refused to release their nutrition info. Try clicking this link, which is the first hit when you search for "quizno's nutrition facts" on Google: www.quiznos.com/menu/nutrition.asp. I dare you.

That's why it drives me up a wall when I see ads like this:

Hey, you say Quizno's subs taste better? Let's see if we can figure out why:

6-inch turkey sub at Subway: 330 calories (even with cheese)
8-inch Turkey Ranch and Swiss: 977 calories, 48 grams of fat, 107 mg of cholesterol, 135% of your daily sodium. (Estimated, since Quizno's won't tell you.)

No wonder Quizno's isn't posting nutrition facts: they're fucking embarrassed.

Of course, this isn't really a big deal - certainly there are plenty of fast food joints out there with equally bad stuff. But Quizno's picking on Subway is like McDonald's picking on Salad Spinners. Subway is a registered trademark of Doctor's Associates, for crying out loud. Doctors! Subway built its ad campaign around a guy who lost a crapton of weight by, in part, eating their subs. Do you think they're upset that your subs have twice the meat, Quizno's? Guess what - I can double the meat on that turkey sub at Subway, put mayo on it, and probably eat a couple Twinkies too, and it's still better for me than a Quizno's sub.

Subway doesn't appear to be losing significant market share to Quizno's, which is the reason why Quizno's went to the "total assholes" method of advertising. But does anyone even think they're competing? They both have sandwiches, yes, but again, Subway's ads tout their sandwiches' low fat content and overall health value. Quizno's couldn't care less about that. It's just like high school. Sure, Quizno's drives a flashy car that his dad bought for him, and he's got a really convincing fake ID. But he's not that smart and he's kind of an arrogant dick. Subway is dorky and drives a '91 Toyota Corolla, but he's got straight A's and is a lock for the Ivy League. So sure, girls want to shack up with Quizno's now, but in 20 years when Quizno's is out of shape, going bald, and working the second shift at Guitar Center, he's going to wish he ate more Subway in high school. (I think that metaphor may have gone to a weird place there.)

So, fine, Quizno's. Your sandwiches have clogged America's arteries captured America's hearts. You taste better than a chain aimed at dieters. Next up: those little bitches at Weight Watchers. A shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch got nothin' on the new Steakhouse Beef Dip with Au Jus, motherfuckers!

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