It's like there's a party in my colon and everyone's invited

Metamucil, you disgust me.



Female announcer: "Primp... coif... gussy up... your insides."

"Dump... drop a load... take a steamer... in your bathroom." But remember, girls don't poop, so we have to use makeup terminology to make it sound like a very delicate process. Meanwhile, it's just giving me horrible mental images of villi getting raked with a mascara brush. Ick.

Female announcer: "With Metamucil! It's 100% psyllium-infused to do more than just cleanse your body..."

I love commercials for health products that cite things the average person knows nothing about. "Wow, 100% psyllium-infused? You don't say! That sure is a lot of... whatever that is."

Female announcer: "...Metamucil actually helps lower cholesterol."

I'm calling shenanigans on this one, because it's misleading as shit. (Heh.) The construction of this sentence would lead one to believe that psyllium is included to lower cholesterol, except that psyllium's primary use is and always has been its laxative properties. The Metamucil website includes a note that the FDA has "approved a health claim for foods and dietary supplements that recognizes that diets containing soluble fiber from psyllium husk, as in Metamucil, may reduce the risk of heart disease by lowering cholesterol when included as part of a low-fat diet."

It's not clear to me, however, that psyllium does this any better than any other soluble fiber. And again, psyllium? Not exactly a household word. This is Metamucil trying to impress people by using big words.

Female announcer: "Making your heart look 'ooh-la-la.'"

Women only like things that are "ooh-la-la." Remember this when making future ads: if they're aimed at women, you need to phrase things in the most feminine way possible. For example, are you marketing a car towards women? I recommend something like, "This car is like wearing hotpants to the baseball game - all the boys will want to sit next to you."

Female announcer: "Metamucil. Beautify your inside."

"Squeeze one out. Pinch a loaf. Drop the kids off at the pool. Go BM. Roll a log."

I appreciate the effort, Metamucil, but everyone knows what you're talking about. You're not going to trick 30-somethings into accidentally taking Metamucil by acting like it's some sort of cosmetic product.