Sunday, June 24, 2007

I'm thinking vomitorium

The question you have to ask yourself whenever you see an ad for a food product is, "Did that ad really make me want to eat that product?" The answer, for me, is surprisingly often "No freaking way." Right now, for instance, you have hairy half-apes selling beef jerky, a creepy dude in a plastic mask selling flame-broiled burgers, and my personal favorite, huge ugly animals advocating the slaughter of other ugly animals. In keeping with the trend of using unappetizing images to advertise food, Arby's gives us this offering:

Pop quiz. Which of the following images most makes you want to eat Arby's sandwiches:

A. Ostrich and pigeons eating off the street.
B. Car nearly colliding with herd of zebra.
C. Elephant preparing to impale young girl in bathing suit on tusks.
D. Two pasty zookeepers double-fisting meaty sandwiches.

The correct answer is: This commercial sucks.
Imagine eating TWO Arby's "BBQ Bacon & Jack Melts." And then imagine being such a complete hog that you have to unwrap both sandwiches, pick up one with each hand, and eat them simultaneously. I mean, this sandwich has "classic roast beef," "chopped pepper bacon," some kind of liquefied "Monterey jack cheese" or primer paint (I can't tell), and barbeque sauce. Do you really need two?

Getting back to the concept of the commercial, is there any way this sandwich is good enough to distract zookeepers from locking up animal cages? Why does this zoo apparently only have two zookeepers? Who is amused by the halo-like Arby's hat logos floating atop their heads (again, kind of disturbing and unappetizing)?

Furthermore, are we supposed to believe this dialogue:

Zookeeper 1: Mmm.
Zookeeper 2: Mmm.
Zookeeper 1: Mmm.

Slow down there, I can't keep up with such an informative interchange!

Zookeeper 1: Two BBQ Bacon & Jack Melts.
Zookeeper 2: For three dollars?
Zookeeper 1: Incredible!

Don't editorialize your own shitty commercial, Arby's. Won't the shot of the Elmer's glue globbing onto the sandwich convince the viewer of your deliciousness? Also, wouldn't these guys have had the conversation about what a good deal this is while they were paying, or shortly thereafter?

The lesson is: cheap food isn't always something to celebrate. These zookeepers have more to worry about than their impending pink slips -- their impending coronaries.


Windier E. Megatons said...

That "melted Monterey Jack cheese" does look particularly gross. I can't imagine eating two of anything Arby's sells at once; why on earth couldn't they have shown the two guys with one sandwich each? Would that not have been impressive enough?

Tyler said...

I don't know how this is possible, but the BBQ Bacon 'n Jack Sandwich only has 15g of fat and 361 calories, so eating two of them is the equivalent of one Roast Turkey and Swiss Market Fresh Sandwich (725 cal, 29 g of fat).

That said, Arby's still scares me for the most part.

Windier E. Megatons said...

Where the hell is the Market Fresh sandwich hiding those 29 grams of fat? Is the turkey secretly pork?

Tyler said...

You can cut down the fat in it by skipping the mayo and just going with mustard, but the bread and cheese are big culprits for fat and calories. I guess you could go really bare bones (different bread, no cheese, no mayo) and make it much healthier.

Windier E. Megatons said...

Ah, mayo. I never get that anyway, so now I feel a lot better.

c12h22o11 said...

At least the big ugly animals are advocating the slaughter of smaller ugly animals.