If eating this sub takes longer than four hours, consult a physician

I saw a version of this ad on TV and thought it was dumb, but not horrible. However, I didn't see the version linked by an anonymous commenter on our last post. Dear God.



What is the thinking behind an ad like this? I mean, I guess if you read the YouTube comments there are a lot of people who think it's hilarious, but what awful commercial isn't that true of?

Oven: "Scott, I want you to do something."
Scott: "Not doing that again. That burned."
Oven: "We both enjoyed that."

Hey, how can we shoot this so that it has absolutely no alternate explanation whatsoever? What if Scott were to look down at his crotch as he delivers his line? That should do it.

Oven: "Now I want you to introduce my greatest creation, the new Toasty Torpedo."
Scott: "The new Toasty Torpedo?"

Dude. You are holding one in your hand! You are in the process of eating it! How do you not know what it is? On the other hand, this guy stuck his wang into a 400-degree oven. He's probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Oven: "Yes, Scott. You make one."
Scott: "Me?"

Yeah, pretty stupid. There's no one else around, idiot. And thank God for you there isn't, or you'd probably get fired for ejaculating into a machine used for food preparation.

Oven: "Put it in me, Scott."

Can they even air this? Jesus. This makes that Arby's hat-boner ad look like it was made in 1890s Vienna. Why would you make an ad like this? Most of the people who think it's soooo hilarious probably would have tried the sub anyway; meanwhile, I can tell you that I was tempted to try it... until I saw this ad. Now you can fucking forget it. Because if I'm going out for a sandwich, I don't have any desire to think of my lunch as a surrogate penis. For that matter, I don't want to think of the oven that's heating my lunch as a sentient being that derives sexual pleasure from sandwiches going through it.

Oven: "It's over a foot of Quizno's flavor on slim, sleek ciabatta for only four dollars. Say it, Scott."
Scott: "Only four dollars?"
Oven: "Say it sexy."

God, enough. Real subtle hand pushing the sandwich into the wrapper, also. I'm going to ask again: why do you want me to associate your sandwich with a penis? Is this really going to be good for business?

The version that I saw aired is also the version that you find if you go to the website to "take the test" as the ad dictates. In it, Scott says "I'm not rubbing you with that shammy again," and doesn't look down at his own mangled junk. That's fine. And the oven says "I'm waiting for it" instead, which is still kind of gross but more excusable in context. Even the "say it sexy" line (changed to "say it with passion") might have been forgivable if they'd just done it that way. But no, they had to "get people talking," so they did a whole version in which the sandwich they want you to eat is the product of a filthy, secret relationship between the oven and this dude. No thanks.

Mm mm mm mm mm... coronary

Quizno's makes a pretty tasty sandwich. And why shouldn't they taste good? They're awful for you! I didn't even know this until I started trying to find their nutrition facts on the web, but Quizno's - virtually alone among fast-food places - has consistently refused to release their nutrition info. Try clicking this link, which is the first hit when you search for "quizno's nutrition facts" on Google: www.quiznos.com/menu/nutrition.asp. I dare you.

That's why it drives me up a wall when I see ads like this:



Hey, you say Quizno's subs taste better? Let's see if we can figure out why:

6-inch turkey sub at Subway: 330 calories (even with cheese)
8-inch Turkey Ranch and Swiss: 977 calories, 48 grams of fat, 107 mg of cholesterol, 135% of your daily sodium. (Estimated, since Quizno's won't tell you.)

No wonder Quizno's isn't posting nutrition facts: they're fucking embarrassed.

Of course, this isn't really a big deal - certainly there are plenty of fast food joints out there with equally bad stuff. But Quizno's picking on Subway is like McDonald's picking on Salad Spinners. Subway is a registered trademark of Doctor's Associates, for crying out loud. Doctors! Subway built its ad campaign around a guy who lost a crapton of weight by, in part, eating their subs. Do you think they're upset that your subs have twice the meat, Quizno's? Guess what - I can double the meat on that turkey sub at Subway, put mayo on it, and probably eat a couple Twinkies too, and it's still better for me than a Quizno's sub.

Subway doesn't appear to be losing significant market share to Quizno's, which is the reason why Quizno's went to the "total assholes" method of advertising. But does anyone even think they're competing? They both have sandwiches, yes, but again, Subway's ads tout their sandwiches' low fat content and overall health value. Quizno's couldn't care less about that. It's just like high school. Sure, Quizno's drives a flashy car that his dad bought for him, and he's got a really convincing fake ID. But he's not that smart and he's kind of an arrogant dick. Subway is dorky and drives a '91 Toyota Corolla, but he's got straight A's and is a lock for the Ivy League. So sure, girls want to shack up with Quizno's now, but in 20 years when Quizno's is out of shape, going bald, and working the second shift at Guitar Center, he's going to wish he ate more Subway in high school. (I think that metaphor may have gone to a weird place there.)

So, fine, Quizno's. Your sandwiches have clogged America's arteries captured America's hearts. You taste better than a chain aimed at dieters. Next up: those little bitches at Weight Watchers. A shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch got nothin' on the new Steakhouse Beef Dip with Au Jus, motherfuckers!