You're stupid AND you can't write

If you've ever watched television in America, you've probably seen commercials for consumer products. If you've ever listened to one of these commercials, you probably know that you're supposed to be a total moron. Sharpie, makers of writing implements designed for professional athletes, has appealed once again to your idiocy:




Voiceover: My infatuation for you over the preceding months has been exponentially increased with each passing of the

No one writes likes this. No one. Not even the worst writer in the world. Not even a computer you programmed to produce the worst writing in the world. This kind of writing does not require a Sharpie to rewrite itself -- it requires remedial, elementary-school writing instruction.

Voiceover: (grunts) (writes "Love ya babe!")

"UGH!... GAH!... (burps)... OOGAH!" This is how a real American talks. We don't have time for messages that take more than 2 seconds to read. In fact, we don't know how to read messages that are longer than three words. Don't you realize that if it takes me 20 seconds to a read a note from my significant other, then I'd only get to see 10 seconds of the next commercial on television? That's simply unacceptable.

Voiceover: Dear Mr. Swinkley, Much as I have enjoyed working a 70-hour week for you over the last two years, the time has -

You're starting a sentence with "much"? Can't you at least properly mock people who write in polysyllabic clauses, Sharpie?

Voiceover: (grunts) (writes "I QUIT!")

"THIS IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF! THIS IS THE WAY PEOPLE SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO WRITE PROFESSIONAL LETTERS OF RESIGNATION! YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU HAVE EXTRA WIDE-RULED PAPER!"

Graphic: Sharpie. WRITE OUT LOUD!

"Sharpie. Double plus good."

Graphic: TM

Damn! They trademarked that slogan! I was totally going to copy it and use it in an ad for my new invention: CAVEMAN MAMMOTH BLOOD PAINT - WRITE OUT LOUD!


For the record, I actually liked the art direction on this one -- the animation with the pencil is cool and kind of minimalist. It's well-executed from a visual standpoint. But, hell, you can dress a hog up in a prom dress -- you'll still have a really ugly date.