Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The right one, maybe

Poor Diet Pepsi, the nerdy kid brother of Diet Coke, the forgotten middle sibling of America's beloved soft drink industry, the Jan Brady of the marketing world. Diet Pepsi just can't buy a break. Maybe something that would boost its popularity would be an ultra-effective commercial that appeals to wide range of soft drink consumers while communicating cogently-presented differentiating information. Let's see what you came up with:

Voiceover (and written on-screen at the same time for some reason): Here's something to think about

Pepsi's mistake here is assuming that Americans think. Jeez, Pepsi, get with the program. Go watch a Hillshire Farm commercial for God's sake. Americans can't "think about" things with their puny, dinosaur-sized brains, remember? Here are a couple different opening lines that are more in line with what you're going for, and they don't make the consumer feel like she's in chemistry class:

GO PEPSI! (simple, brand-forward, exclamatory)
HAVE SEX, DRINK PEPSI! (intriguing call-to-action, sex appeal, exclamatory)
GO, SEX, PEPSI! (simple, sex appeal, exclamatory)
GO, SEX, DRINK, BUY! (entirely monosyllabic, avoids brand name that American brains will forget anyway, exclamatory)

Now those are some attention-grabbers that are going to set you apart. Let's continue...

Voiceover: 56% of diet cola drinkers think Diet Pepsi has more cola taste than Diet Coke.

Whoa, whoa, whoa - "percent"? What am I, some kind of freaky, genetically-modified super-genius? I'm an American. Get it straight. NO... HAVE... BRAIN... try to wrap your head around that, Pepsi.

Anyway, what is this claim really saying? Basically, a slim majority of people think Diet Pepsi has more cola taste than its rival. They didn't say it's better, they said it tastes more like real cola. Pepsi doesn't care, though, and now that they're past the meaty, mathy part of the commercial, they can get to the entertainin'...

Voiceover: That means, if the show 90210 were real

FINALLY - numbers Americans can understand! 90210! You're cashing in on that really popular, current television show, Beverly Hills, 90210. This commerial is so awesome, I almost forgot that the last episode aired on May 17, 2000. I knew I didn't need a brain to get this commercial.

Voiceover: Dylan, Kelly and Steve would drink Diet Pepsi

Three people are representing 56%? I don't like where this is headed.

Voiceover: While Andrea and Brenda would drink Diet Coke

Wow, it's a good things Americans are stupid, because this is patently wrong. Andrea, Brenda AND BRANDON would be drinking Diet Coke! Because Diet Coke represents 44%, not 40%! Why does Diet Pepsi get to absorb the extra 4%?

Voiceover: But Brenda is just drinking it because Dylan is drinking Diet Pepsi, and this week, Brenda hates Dylan.

Coca-Cola lawyers, take a deep breath. Take a swig of Caffeine-Free Coke and just breathe. Pepsi's just trying to be funny here. And aside from not being funny, they're also being wrong. They know they can't stretch a claim that far, and they're just assuming that the American public is moronic enough to take their word for it. Thankfully, Coke, you and I both know that Americans really aren't that dumb. Right, Coke? We agree on that?

Graphics: (Heart shatters, Diet Pepsi bottle glory shot, "More Cola Taste")

More Cola Taste, baby! Not necessarily a better-tasting soft drink, just more like cola. And you can take it from all those young hipsters watching 90210 -- 3 out of 5 fictional characters choose Diet Pepsi (rounded up), and really it's actually 4 out of 5 because Diet Pepsi says so. So really if you drink Coke, you're Andrea, and she's lame because she was played by the oldest "teen" actor on the show. And old is uncool and unsexy. So if you still drink Coke, you are old, unsexy and uncool and should drink Pepsi instead.



Windier E. Megatons said...

Gabrielle Carteris, who played Andrea, was 39 (read: decrepit) by the time the show went off the air in 2000. 39! Plus, she wore glasses. Diet Coke, the choice of old nerds!

Pepsi needs to get over themselves. They've been pumping the "choice of a new generation" thing for decades now, as though there was more than a 5% difference between the flavors of Pepsi and Coke. And what does "more cola taste" even mean? Was there some baseline amount of cola taste that people were rating this off of? Jesus, this commercial is ridiculous.

c12h22o11 said...