Triscuits are okay, I guess. And these ads aren't super offensive or anything. But I mean, come on.
It's always funny seeing "recipe suggestions" on the side of a box of crackers, but this is some next-level shit right here. Imagine, if you will, taking out an avocado, peeling and slicing it, grilling a chicken breast, slicing that, and then taking out a handful of Triscuits and carefully arranging small amounts of the avocado and chicken on top (in the space of what, maybe four square inches?). And then drizzling some sriracha sauce on there, just for good measure. I suppose if you were trying to make the world's most depressing hors d'oeuvres, this is kind of okay? But Triscuit is trying to position this as some sort of anytime snack, right? Negative bonus points for trying to make the barely-pronounceable portmanteau "avochickirachascuit" happen.
Same deal here, except probably even worse. Spend all that time shredding a cucumber, tearing up mint leaves, crumbling feta... just to fit a tiny spoonful onto a little cracker?
The slogan Triscuit is rolling with here, "Made for more," is really the problem. The implication is that Triscuits basically only exist to be used as little edible plates. But why do I need a Triscuit at all? If the only real point behind the Triscuit is providing a way for the cucumber-mint-feta salad I just created to get into my mouth, I might as well just eat it with a spoon and save myself the Triscuit calories, right? Failing that, there are like eight million other food items I could use to help transport tiny amounts of legitimate food up to my mouth besides Triscuits, which apparently have almost no taste if you believe these ads since they're suggesting they're only made TO be topped with something that contains actual flavor.
Triscuit is absolutely 100% serious about trying to get super-fancy with Triscuits, by the way. They've even recruited Martha Stewart:
I love how she really just says "crackers" the whole time except when she's clearly reading off cue cards. (There's also something slightly weird about how the box looks - I think it may just be that the bright yellow stands out among the otherwise muted colors of the kitchen, but it almost looks like it was CGIed in, or at the very least given its own key light.) Regardless, listen to the times she gives, in minutes, for how long it will take to cook the peas and salmon. Can you imagine spending upwards of twenty minutes - probably closer to half an hour when all cook and prep is factored in - just to ready a snack for yourself? She does seem to be pushing them as hors d'oeuvres, to be fair, but then there's this:
Martha: "Triscuit crackers are substantial enough to hold lots of your favorite toppings, whether you serve them when you entertain, or as an afternoon snack."
Yeah, look: I'm not spending 20-30 minutes cooking up a salmon recipe to put on a TRISCUIT, no matter how delicious it might be, for a quick snack. If I'm eating Triscuits as a snack, I'm pulling the box out and using them as a delivery system for the least complex foods you can think of - slices of cheese or a dip of some sort. I'm not sautéeing swiss chard or letting berries macerate for FORTY-FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.
If you want to see Triscuit really go crazy, head on over to their Pinterest page, as mentioned in the ads. They keep trying to pull off the clunky portmanteaus (portmanteaux?) and ludicrously complex recipes while positioning many of them as "anytime snacking." Sure, any time! Just roast some squash and beets and jam those on a tiny cracker to make the "Squarrobeetscuit" whenever the mood strikes. Not weird at all! There's also a section for pretty much every holiday or general occasion. Involve Triscuits in every aspect of your life! Never eat or do anything unless it involves Triscuits! Thanksgiving leftovers? Slap 'em on a Triscuit and go to town. Super Bowl party? Impress your football fan friends with dainty little cracker-based hors d'oeuvres, I guess! Valentine's Day? Smear some red berries on a Triscuit cracker and watch your significant other be impressed! Later that night, don't forget a box of Triscuits on the bedside table for the perfect post-coital snack! Munch on Triscuits at the hospital while watching your wife give birth! Name your first-born child "Triscuit" - works for a boy or a girl! And be sure to have yourself buried with a box of Triscuits for amazing snacking in the next life!
Showing posts with label things that don't ever happen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things that don't ever happen. Show all posts
Friday, February 6, 2015
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The unwatchable journey
In the nearly five years I've been writing for this blog, we've had a number of running targets - Raisin Bran Crunch (in order: here, here, here, here, and here), Burger King (too many to list them all, as we've written fully fourteen Burger King posts, but here are three of my favorites), Crispin Porter + Bogusky in general (this Quivering P. Landmass post is my personal favorite), and so forth. But I don't think I've ever been moved to write about the same ad campaign three times in eight days. Congratulations, State Farm!
Agent: "One of the best things about State Farm is our accessibility."
Guy: "Oh yeah?"
Agent: "You can call us 24/7, get quotes online, start a claim with our smartphone app - you name it, we're here, any time, anywhere, any way you want it."
"Any way you want it?" Gee, that's an awfully uncommon turn of phrase to bust out there. It's almost like you're setting something up.
Guy: "That's the way I need it."
Agent: "Any way you want it."
Guy: "All night?"
Agent: "All night."
Guy: "Every night?"
Agent: "Any way you want it."
Guy: "That's the way I need it."
This is already pretty stupid. But you know what would be way stupider? Addressing what just happened as though it were somehow a natural part of the conversation, or in any way not just some bullshit thrown together because someone inexplicably thought it would make for an amusing ad.
Guy: "We just had ourselves a little Journey moment there."
Oh, writers of this ad. What were you thinking? You guys are as cold as ice. You're willing to sacrifice our love! Hmm, bit of a Foreigner moment there. Rest assured that was completely organic, just a natural extension of what I was already writing. Because I'm hot blooded. Check it and see!
Agent: "Yup."
Guy: "Saw 'em in '83 in Fresno. Place was crawling with chicks."
[Guy's wife looks over angrily]
Guy: "I gotta go."
Just in case you thought we'd get out of one of these ads without some sort of relationship issue: nope. State Farm is getting really good at sowing marital discord, aren't they? I picture this agent meeting up with Jake at some all-night diner and chuckling about all the relationships they've ruined through their jobs in the insurance industry.
And then they end the ad by playing the actual Journey version of "Any Way You Want It." Here's the thing: if the song is famous enough to be used the way it's used in this ad, then it should also be famous enough that you don't need to ram down our throats that you're using it. Playing the song at the end of the ad would have worked perfectly for your purposes. Doing the stupid song-lyrics banter, then being like "HEY THAT WAS JOURNEY DID EVERYONE CATCH THAT THAT WAS JOURNEY," and then also playing Journey at the end of the ad... at that point I really just feel like you're insulting my intelligence...
...faithfully. (Nailed it! Totally natural!)
Agent: "One of the best things about State Farm is our accessibility."
Guy: "Oh yeah?"
Agent: "You can call us 24/7, get quotes online, start a claim with our smartphone app - you name it, we're here, any time, anywhere, any way you want it."
"Any way you want it?" Gee, that's an awfully uncommon turn of phrase to bust out there. It's almost like you're setting something up.
Guy: "That's the way I need it."
Agent: "Any way you want it."
Guy: "All night?"
Agent: "All night."
Guy: "Every night?"
Agent: "Any way you want it."
Guy: "That's the way I need it."
This is already pretty stupid. But you know what would be way stupider? Addressing what just happened as though it were somehow a natural part of the conversation, or in any way not just some bullshit thrown together because someone inexplicably thought it would make for an amusing ad.
Guy: "We just had ourselves a little Journey moment there."
Oh, writers of this ad. What were you thinking? You guys are as cold as ice. You're willing to sacrifice our love! Hmm, bit of a Foreigner moment there. Rest assured that was completely organic, just a natural extension of what I was already writing. Because I'm hot blooded. Check it and see!
Agent: "Yup."
Guy: "Saw 'em in '83 in Fresno. Place was crawling with chicks."
[Guy's wife looks over angrily]
Guy: "I gotta go."
Just in case you thought we'd get out of one of these ads without some sort of relationship issue: nope. State Farm is getting really good at sowing marital discord, aren't they? I picture this agent meeting up with Jake at some all-night diner and chuckling about all the relationships they've ruined through their jobs in the insurance industry.
And then they end the ad by playing the actual Journey version of "Any Way You Want It." Here's the thing: if the song is famous enough to be used the way it's used in this ad, then it should also be famous enough that you don't need to ram down our throats that you're using it. Playing the song at the end of the ad would have worked perfectly for your purposes. Doing the stupid song-lyrics banter, then being like "HEY THAT WAS JOURNEY DID EVERYONE CATCH THAT THAT WAS JOURNEY," and then also playing Journey at the end of the ad... at that point I really just feel like you're insulting my intelligence...
...faithfully. (Nailed it! Totally natural!)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Love is in the air, and it smells like pepperoni
In honor of Valentine's Day, get a load of this shit.
That is a screenshot of this page, which I took because since the listed end date for the promotion is 2/14/12, who knows how long it'll be up for your perusal.
I mean, holy shit, right? Look, I know this is probably just for publicity. Pizza Hut comes up with a gimmicky thing that no one would ever actually buy, it gets kicked around the web because people love that Neiman Marcus fantasy gift shit, and boom, free advertising for the $10 dinner box, which I did not previously know was a thing. But just imagine for a second that Pizza Hut was serious here. How fucking deranged is this?
First, I love that it's not a diamond ring, although if you're the kind of woman who INSISTS on an expensive diamond for your engagement ring, you're probably not going to be too impressed with the $10 dinner box proposal no matter how nice the ring is.
Then, how about a photographer AND a videographer? I'm not sure that's enough. How about a caricature artist too, and maybe a stenographer to get down every word you're saying? You really want to remember every facet of your embarrassing Pizza Hut proposal.
I also love that the stated cost is $10,010, because that includes the dinner box. Yeah, we couldn't just include that in the obscene $10,000 engagement package. That's extra. (The "plus tax" also kills me.) This is really the biggest tip-off that Pizza Hut is mostly kidding around, I think (although I'm sure if anyone actually wanted this they'd be happy to sell it). It's funnier if you take this extravagant package and make the cheap-ass food cost extra on top of it.
If you click on "more information" it gives you the press release, which only makes it clearer that this is a publicity stunt of the highest caliber. Most of the time is spent talking about the dinner box itself:
The $10 Dinner Box Proposal Package includes a ruby engagement ring, limo service, flowers, fireworks show, photographer, videographer and of course, most importantly, the mouth-watering new $10 Dinner Box.
Fitting all of these amazing items into one package echoes the feat pulled off inside the new Pizza Hut $10 Dinner Box, which includes a medium one-topping rectangular pan pizza, five breadsticks with marinara sauce and 10 cinnamon sticks with a sweet icing cup in one box for only $10.
Just by the way, that is like the starchiest thing that ever starched.
"If we’re able to fit pizza, breadsticks and dessert into one box for only $10, why stop there?" asked Kurt Kane, Pizza Hut CMO.
Right.
Perhaps my favorite part - and again, it's irrelevant because ain't nobody buying this - is in the fine print:
"We may substitute listed products with equivalent value products."
I wonder which of those products is most likely to be substituted for an item of equal value. If you're the sort of person who loves Pizza Hut so much you're willing to propose marriage over a pizza box, maybe you could trade in the fireworks show for a couple years' worth of Lipitor.
That is a screenshot of this page, which I took because since the listed end date for the promotion is 2/14/12, who knows how long it'll be up for your perusal.
I mean, holy shit, right? Look, I know this is probably just for publicity. Pizza Hut comes up with a gimmicky thing that no one would ever actually buy, it gets kicked around the web because people love that Neiman Marcus fantasy gift shit, and boom, free advertising for the $10 dinner box, which I did not previously know was a thing. But just imagine for a second that Pizza Hut was serious here. How fucking deranged is this?
First, I love that it's not a diamond ring, although if you're the kind of woman who INSISTS on an expensive diamond for your engagement ring, you're probably not going to be too impressed with the $10 dinner box proposal no matter how nice the ring is.
Then, how about a photographer AND a videographer? I'm not sure that's enough. How about a caricature artist too, and maybe a stenographer to get down every word you're saying? You really want to remember every facet of your embarrassing Pizza Hut proposal.
I also love that the stated cost is $10,010, because that includes the dinner box. Yeah, we couldn't just include that in the obscene $10,000 engagement package. That's extra. (The "plus tax" also kills me.) This is really the biggest tip-off that Pizza Hut is mostly kidding around, I think (although I'm sure if anyone actually wanted this they'd be happy to sell it). It's funnier if you take this extravagant package and make the cheap-ass food cost extra on top of it.
If you click on "more information" it gives you the press release, which only makes it clearer that this is a publicity stunt of the highest caliber. Most of the time is spent talking about the dinner box itself:
The $10 Dinner Box Proposal Package includes a ruby engagement ring, limo service, flowers, fireworks show, photographer, videographer and of course, most importantly, the mouth-watering new $10 Dinner Box.
Fitting all of these amazing items into one package echoes the feat pulled off inside the new Pizza Hut $10 Dinner Box, which includes a medium one-topping rectangular pan pizza, five breadsticks with marinara sauce and 10 cinnamon sticks with a sweet icing cup in one box for only $10.
Just by the way, that is like the starchiest thing that ever starched.
"If we’re able to fit pizza, breadsticks and dessert into one box for only $10, why stop there?" asked Kurt Kane, Pizza Hut CMO.
Right.
Perhaps my favorite part - and again, it's irrelevant because ain't nobody buying this - is in the fine print:
"We may substitute listed products with equivalent value products."
I wonder which of those products is most likely to be substituted for an item of equal value. If you're the sort of person who loves Pizza Hut so much you're willing to propose marriage over a pizza box, maybe you could trade in the fireworks show for a couple years' worth of Lipitor.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Worst threesome ever
Oh, the awkwardness of high school reunions. Being forced to make small talk with people you haven't seen in decades... getting hit on by old classmates who are like totally bald now... having old friends surreptitiously unzip your clothes... you know, all the normal stuff.
I think there's a reason we don't normally see Coldwater Creek ads on television.
Man: "Sooo... are you seeing anyone?"
Woman: "I'm married."
Boom! In your face, guy! Guy who has not at all been calculatedly paired to make this already quite-attractive-for-her-mid-40s woman look even better than she does by virtue of being balding and awkward!
Man: "Oh!"
Woman: "Yeah."
Man: "Lucky fella."
Woman: *chuckles patronizingly*
Why is either of them still standing there at this point? Really, why was this entire first exchange even necessary, other than to fill time?
Woman 2: "Oh, my - Jennifer?"
Woman: "Elizabeth?"
"We're wearing nametags that identify us, so I'm not sure why we sound so shocked."
Woman 2: "You look amazing! And this dress, wow! It is so good to see you!"
Then, while distracting Woman 1 with her uncomfortably long hug and thoroughly pat small talk, Woman 2 fucking unzips Woman 1's dress so she can look at the tag to see what brand it is.
I mean, this isn't a thing that happens, right? No one would ever do this. And why would they? You could, you know, ASK WHAT BRAND THE DRESS IS. The person who bought it is right in front of you. Or is that an etiquette faux pas? Even if it is, is it more of an etiquette faux pas than unzipping someone's clothes while they're wearing them? I say no!
And then Woman 2 just walks away without saying anything else, while the guy stands there with a look on his face suggesting he's totally going to be using that hug as the starting point for some furious masturbation in his lonely Holiday Inn Express room later that night.
I guess the ad does an okay job of getting the brand across by the way it just plops it on the screen at the end there, but really this whole thing is just forced and uncomfortable, to say nothing of the fact that it seems like it was pulled directly from an unaired sitcom pilot from the year 1997. The overall pitch - "Hey, 40-something ladies, prepare to wow everyone at your 25th high school reunion" - makes sense enough, but could it have been executed more questionably? I doubt it.
I think there's a reason we don't normally see Coldwater Creek ads on television.
Man: "Sooo... are you seeing anyone?"
Woman: "I'm married."
Boom! In your face, guy! Guy who has not at all been calculatedly paired to make this already quite-attractive-for-her-mid-40s woman look even better than she does by virtue of being balding and awkward!
Man: "Oh!"
Woman: "Yeah."
Man: "Lucky fella."
Woman: *chuckles patronizingly*
Why is either of them still standing there at this point? Really, why was this entire first exchange even necessary, other than to fill time?
Woman 2: "Oh, my - Jennifer?"
Woman: "Elizabeth?"
"We're wearing nametags that identify us, so I'm not sure why we sound so shocked."
Woman 2: "You look amazing! And this dress, wow! It is so good to see you!"
Then, while distracting Woman 1 with her uncomfortably long hug and thoroughly pat small talk, Woman 2 fucking unzips Woman 1's dress so she can look at the tag to see what brand it is.
I mean, this isn't a thing that happens, right? No one would ever do this. And why would they? You could, you know, ASK WHAT BRAND THE DRESS IS. The person who bought it is right in front of you. Or is that an etiquette faux pas? Even if it is, is it more of an etiquette faux pas than unzipping someone's clothes while they're wearing them? I say no!
And then Woman 2 just walks away without saying anything else, while the guy stands there with a look on his face suggesting he's totally going to be using that hug as the starting point for some furious masturbation in his lonely Holiday Inn Express room later that night.
I guess the ad does an okay job of getting the brand across by the way it just plops it on the screen at the end there, but really this whole thing is just forced and uncomfortable, to say nothing of the fact that it seems like it was pulled directly from an unaired sitcom pilot from the year 1997. The overall pitch - "Hey, 40-something ladies, prepare to wow everyone at your 25th high school reunion" - makes sense enough, but could it have been executed more questionably? I doubt it.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Making bad ads isn't exactly rocket science
Last September I mentioned a Honda Civic ad that I hated and wanted to write about but was unable to find on YouTube. Well, guess what I just found.
Come on.
Applicant: "Mr. Stratton, thank you."
Stratton: "We'll be in touch."
[Applicant leaves]
Stratton: "Seems bright."
Tom: "I don't know, Hank."
What is with the crazy low-angle shots here? Did I need to be able to see all the way up that guy's nose? Was Verne Troyer the cameraman?
Stratton: "Tom?"
Tom: "I think we just found our next rocket scientist."
They looked out the window and saw that the applicant dude drives a Honda Civic. And that pushed him over the top! As if this makes any sense at all. "Sure, your qualifications are impeccable... but I don't know, is that a Ford Taurus you're driving? I'm sorry, I think we need more of a Honda Civic man for this job." Alternately, what if this guy isn't even qualified to be a rocket scientist? "Well, we reviewed your application, and it says that your only previous work with rockets was 'shooting off some bottle rockets on Fourth of July 1997.' So I'm afraid that... wait a second, is that a Honda fucking Civic?"
Announcer: "It can take you farther than you think."
See, I could write the whole thing off as a joke - a really awful, stupid joke, but a joke - if they didn't have this line in there. They are serious! They are legitimately claiming that if your potential boss appreciates your taste in cars, you will get hired. And why?
Announcer: "The best value of any car in its class for the past 23 years."
Okay, first of all, out of context that really doesn't mean much. Second of all, does an appreciation of value make you a better rocket scientist? Wouldn't this make at least a little more sense if he was being hired as an economist or something? Oh, but "economist" isn't a profession that is widely used as shorthand for "genius-level intelligence," so we can't go with that. We need everyone to understand that buying a Honda Civic is proof that you are so smart that you can design spacecraft. And if you don't buy a Honda Civic? Well, I think Arby's is hiring for the night shift, jerkoff. The irony of the whole thing is that "rocket scientist" is probably a pretty high-paying job - what are even the odds that this guy would still be driving a Civic within five years?
Come on.
Applicant: "Mr. Stratton, thank you."
Stratton: "We'll be in touch."
[Applicant leaves]
Stratton: "Seems bright."
Tom: "I don't know, Hank."
What is with the crazy low-angle shots here? Did I need to be able to see all the way up that guy's nose? Was Verne Troyer the cameraman?
Stratton: "Tom?"
Tom: "I think we just found our next rocket scientist."
They looked out the window and saw that the applicant dude drives a Honda Civic. And that pushed him over the top! As if this makes any sense at all. "Sure, your qualifications are impeccable... but I don't know, is that a Ford Taurus you're driving? I'm sorry, I think we need more of a Honda Civic man for this job." Alternately, what if this guy isn't even qualified to be a rocket scientist? "Well, we reviewed your application, and it says that your only previous work with rockets was 'shooting off some bottle rockets on Fourth of July 1997.' So I'm afraid that... wait a second, is that a Honda fucking Civic?"
Announcer: "It can take you farther than you think."
See, I could write the whole thing off as a joke - a really awful, stupid joke, but a joke - if they didn't have this line in there. They are serious! They are legitimately claiming that if your potential boss appreciates your taste in cars, you will get hired. And why?
Announcer: "The best value of any car in its class for the past 23 years."
Okay, first of all, out of context that really doesn't mean much. Second of all, does an appreciation of value make you a better rocket scientist? Wouldn't this make at least a little more sense if he was being hired as an economist or something? Oh, but "economist" isn't a profession that is widely used as shorthand for "genius-level intelligence," so we can't go with that. We need everyone to understand that buying a Honda Civic is proof that you are so smart that you can design spacecraft. And if you don't buy a Honda Civic? Well, I think Arby's is hiring for the night shift, jerkoff. The irony of the whole thing is that "rocket scientist" is probably a pretty high-paying job - what are even the odds that this guy would still be driving a Civic within five years?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Today in things that don't ever happen
Friend 1: "Nice shape, Jane!"
Jane Krakowski: "Thanks! I've been helping out at a lot of celebrity car washes."
Friend 2: "I think she meant the new Trop50 bottle."
Jane: "Oh. Right."
Oh, right. Because Jane Krakowski invented the new Trop50 bottle and therefore it makes sense for praise for its shape to be directed at her. Or, oh, right, because "Nice shape" is a comment that any native speaker of English would ever make, ever. Or, oh, right, what the fuck is this. Friend 2's smugness is delightful here given that she's treating as an absolute given something no human being would say.
Jane: "Well, you can see how I'd make that mistake."
I can! Well, sort of. If I was carrying a bottle of juice into a room and one of my friends said, "Hey, nice shape," I think my response would be "What the fuck are you even talking about?" And then if they were like, "I meant that the shape of that juice bottle you're carrying is nice," I would have stared at them for a full minute without saying anything, and then never invited them to another of my famous "we're doing nothing but drinking orange juice in my living room" get-togethers.
Jane: "I've never been in better shape!"
[She attempts to preen for her friends, who totally ignore her.]
Friend 3: "Mmm, so good! And it's got 50% less calories!"
Jane: "What do you think?"
Friend 2: "Which makes it gooder!"
Friend 1: "It is gooder!"
Friend 3: "It's better than gooder."
This is really just fucking retarded at this point. What am I supposed to be feeling towards these women? Because I just hate all of them, and by extension the product for which they are shilling by deploying the reverse-engineered grammar of a four-year-old. Also, since the word which conveys the concept that "gooder" does is the word "better," I think I would have tried not to include that word in the copy. Might take some work, but it's not like you haven't already spent 20 seconds hooking a car battery up to the English language's genitals.
Jane: "Ladies, you don't say gooder! There's no such word as gooder!"
You won me back, Jane.
Friend 2: "But Jane, you look gooder."
Jane: "Do I???"
Never mind. "Oh, friends, I don't mind that you're the three dumbest women on the planet. I just want you to acknowledge that I've lost weight!" Incidentally, I am surprised, slash amazed, slash dumbfounded that in a commercial aimed at women, starring women, and featuring a main character bragging about her weight loss and a low-calorie product, that the weight loss and the low-calorie product are not actually tied together. It's like they weren't even trying to make this commercial effective. Or comprehensible. This shit makes those Yoplait ads where the women talk up desserts they're not actually eating look like masterpieces of the craft.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Fake-us group
I've been waiting for someone to explain to me how this commercial could possibly be real. Maybe one of you has an idea?
Woman: "Domino's doesn't want me to know what's in their ingredients."
Man: "'Cause it's probably not real cheese."
I find this a weird complaint, in the setup. On what grounds is she claiming that Domino's doesn't want her to know what's in their ingredients? Did she call her local Domino's once to ask for a list and they told her to fuck off?
Focus Group Leader: "Well, I've got a surprise for you."
[the walls pull away to reveal that they're in the middle of a field]
Woman 2: "Oh my God!"
Leader: "This is just one of the dairies that makes the milk to make real Domino's cheese."
Okay. So, it claims at the bottom of the screen that this was an "actual focus group." I just have one question.
WHAT?????????
I guess there are some subsidiary questions within that one. How could these people possibly have failed to realize that they were in a tiny shack sitting on the grounds of a dairy farm? How did Domino's get them there without this being in any way revealed? Blanchardville, Wisconsin is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Either these people were from the area - in which case it is particularly incredible that they would not have realized they were on a dairy farm - or they were like bussed in from Madison, the nearest city of any real size, and also should probably have found something at least a little off about a major corporation holding a focus group in the middle of farm country.
But let's say, for the hell of it, that this focus group was going on without any of the participants realizing where they were... why were they out there in the first place? How did Domino's know that the legitimacy of their cheese was going to be called into question in this focus group? Was one of the people speaking a plant? This goes back to that initial comment by the woman that Domino's doesn't want her to know what the ingredients are. What? Where did she come up with that? It's almost like that's something she was... I don't know, told to say?
Lest Domino's get any ideas about some ad where I'm watching TV calling their focus group fake, and then they have all the members of the focus group walk into my living room and introduce themselves to prove they're real people, I'm not necessarily saying that this ad was faked. But I am saying, for sure, that if you wanted to make an ad that looked fake, that was supposedly real but was so insanely convenient that it had the whiff of contrivance all over it... well, you couldn't do much better than this.
Woman: "Domino's doesn't want me to know what's in their ingredients."
Man: "'Cause it's probably not real cheese."
I find this a weird complaint, in the setup. On what grounds is she claiming that Domino's doesn't want her to know what's in their ingredients? Did she call her local Domino's once to ask for a list and they told her to fuck off?
Focus Group Leader: "Well, I've got a surprise for you."
[the walls pull away to reveal that they're in the middle of a field]
Woman 2: "Oh my God!"
Leader: "This is just one of the dairies that makes the milk to make real Domino's cheese."
Okay. So, it claims at the bottom of the screen that this was an "actual focus group." I just have one question.
WHAT?????????
I guess there are some subsidiary questions within that one. How could these people possibly have failed to realize that they were in a tiny shack sitting on the grounds of a dairy farm? How did Domino's get them there without this being in any way revealed? Blanchardville, Wisconsin is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Either these people were from the area - in which case it is particularly incredible that they would not have realized they were on a dairy farm - or they were like bussed in from Madison, the nearest city of any real size, and also should probably have found something at least a little off about a major corporation holding a focus group in the middle of farm country.
But let's say, for the hell of it, that this focus group was going on without any of the participants realizing where they were... why were they out there in the first place? How did Domino's know that the legitimacy of their cheese was going to be called into question in this focus group? Was one of the people speaking a plant? This goes back to that initial comment by the woman that Domino's doesn't want her to know what the ingredients are. What? Where did she come up with that? It's almost like that's something she was... I don't know, told to say?
Lest Domino's get any ideas about some ad where I'm watching TV calling their focus group fake, and then they have all the members of the focus group walk into my living room and introduce themselves to prove they're real people, I'm not necessarily saying that this ad was faked. But I am saying, for sure, that if you wanted to make an ad that looked fake, that was supposedly real but was so insanely convenient that it had the whiff of contrivance all over it... well, you couldn't do much better than this.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Zoosk alors
Sure, there are like 500 dating websites out there. Some of them will tell you about their marriage success stories, or how they'll pair you with someone compatible... whatever. How many can guarantee they'll match you up with the stupidest people on the planet?
Friend 1: "This guy's into camping."
Woman: "Eh."
Friend 2: "What about that guy?"
Woman: "Oh, yeah! I could definitely go for some 'serious romance.'"
Then, for reasons known only to the writers of this commercial, she envisions a situation in which she and the guy keep bumping heads, running into things, and getting generally physically injured while attempting to have sex. This would never happen. Also, I might have missed a memo, but no matter how you feel about it, I don't think "fucking on the first date" can really be construed as "serious romance."
Woman: "Maybe just a movie date, would be nice."
Friends: "Yeah."
That was actually her imagination! What is wrong with this woman? "Hmm, I could go for some wild first-date sex... no, that would end with comical injury, as they do. We'll just go to a movie!" In what universe does this commercial make sense? For that matter, how does it sell a dating site?
Voiceover: "Zoosk: the online dating site that lets you date your way."
As opposed to Joosk, the online dating site where your nagging mother pressures you into dating that nice boy from down the street - he's a doctor, you know. And would it kill you to have a couple grandchildren for me before I die? I don't ask for much.
Voiceover: "Whether you want to browse, flirt or find your soulmate."
I guess that's a fair point - pretty sure eHarmony, for one, isn't really big on "flirting." But even with that in mind, I feel like this niche was probably already filled by one of the 8500 dating sites out there.
But if you think that Zoosk commercial was dumb and made no sense...
Um.
Woman: "I should probably ask him out, right?"
Friends: "Yeah!"
Friend 1: "Oh, speaking of dating, how was the blind date your mom set you up on?"
And then we see that in the ten seconds the woman was finishing getting ready, the guy had a severe allergic reaction to her dog, cat, and some sort of shellfish hors d'oeuvre that was sitting on the table.
Woman: "I think I'll stick to Zoosk for all my dating."
Friend 1: "Good idea!"
Good idea? Fuck, great idea! After all, I'm sure Zoosk requires you to submit a full allergy profile when you register, to weed out the guys who might swell up hideously before you even have a chance to decide if you want to bump heads and throw your back out with them later in the evening. What's that? Even without looking you're pretty sure they don't do that? Well, their loss. I'll just stick to NoPetDanderOrFoodAllergyHarmony.com for all my dating needs.
I mean, honestly. I can think of seven thousand things that could go wrong on a blind date, and I can also think of at least two or three that are maybe something you could imagine being able to weed out based on an online dating profile (people never lie in those things!). But shellfish allergies? Not one of those!
I can see where the extreme seriousness and maritally-inclined tone of the ads for eHarmony, and even Match.com to a lesser extent, would turn off people who are just looking online for casual dates. But is this kind of goofy, unrealistic asshattery really appealing to anyone? For that matter, have we learned anything about the Zoosk site itself, other than that its ad agency has the imagination of a sea urchin?
Friend 1: "This guy's into camping."
Woman: "Eh."
Friend 2: "What about that guy?"
Woman: "Oh, yeah! I could definitely go for some 'serious romance.'"
Then, for reasons known only to the writers of this commercial, she envisions a situation in which she and the guy keep bumping heads, running into things, and getting generally physically injured while attempting to have sex. This would never happen. Also, I might have missed a memo, but no matter how you feel about it, I don't think "fucking on the first date" can really be construed as "serious romance."
Woman: "Maybe just a movie date, would be nice."
Friends: "Yeah."
That was actually her imagination! What is wrong with this woman? "Hmm, I could go for some wild first-date sex... no, that would end with comical injury, as they do. We'll just go to a movie!" In what universe does this commercial make sense? For that matter, how does it sell a dating site?
Voiceover: "Zoosk: the online dating site that lets you date your way."
As opposed to Joosk, the online dating site where your nagging mother pressures you into dating that nice boy from down the street - he's a doctor, you know. And would it kill you to have a couple grandchildren for me before I die? I don't ask for much.
Voiceover: "Whether you want to browse, flirt or find your soulmate."
I guess that's a fair point - pretty sure eHarmony, for one, isn't really big on "flirting." But even with that in mind, I feel like this niche was probably already filled by one of the 8500 dating sites out there.
But if you think that Zoosk commercial was dumb and made no sense...
Um.
Woman: "I should probably ask him out, right?"
Friends: "Yeah!"
Friend 1: "Oh, speaking of dating, how was the blind date your mom set you up on?"
And then we see that in the ten seconds the woman was finishing getting ready, the guy had a severe allergic reaction to her dog, cat, and some sort of shellfish hors d'oeuvre that was sitting on the table.
Woman: "I think I'll stick to Zoosk for all my dating."
Friend 1: "Good idea!"
Good idea? Fuck, great idea! After all, I'm sure Zoosk requires you to submit a full allergy profile when you register, to weed out the guys who might swell up hideously before you even have a chance to decide if you want to bump heads and throw your back out with them later in the evening. What's that? Even without looking you're pretty sure they don't do that? Well, their loss. I'll just stick to NoPetDanderOrFoodAllergyHarmony.com for all my dating needs.
I mean, honestly. I can think of seven thousand things that could go wrong on a blind date, and I can also think of at least two or three that are maybe something you could imagine being able to weed out based on an online dating profile (people never lie in those things!). But shellfish allergies? Not one of those!
I can see where the extreme seriousness and maritally-inclined tone of the ads for eHarmony, and even Match.com to a lesser extent, would turn off people who are just looking online for casual dates. But is this kind of goofy, unrealistic asshattery really appealing to anyone? For that matter, have we learned anything about the Zoosk site itself, other than that its ad agency has the imagination of a sea urchin?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Like a good genie, State Farm is there
Hey, I just had a crazy idea. What if we decided to sell products based not on things they actually do, but on things they don't do nor possibly could? It's just retarded enough to work!
I'm guessing that people under the age of 35 were not buying enough insurance.
Friend 1: "Snatching stuff takes-" [rock smashes through window] "Oh! What is going on in here?"
Friend 2: "Uh oh."
Dude With Insurance: "It's okay, relax. Watch this." [singing poorly] "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!"
[State Farm Agent appears from nowhere]
Agent: "Hey Dave."
I'm guessing mid to late 20s for these guys. Do they really all remember this jingle? When was the last time State Farm used it before this series of ads? Whatever.
Friend 2: "Wow."
Friend 1: "Is that your agent?"
Dude: "It's the jingle."
Ugh. Talk about an annoying meta-concept. "Off-key renditions of our famous jingle are like the Bat Signal for our insurance agents!" How postmodern of you.
Dude: "Try it!"
Friend 1: "Uh, no."
You had the right idea.
Friend 2: [singing extremely poorly] "Like a good neighbor-"
Dude: "Just say it."
Friend 2: "State Farm is- is there."
Friend 1: "With a sandwich."
[A sandwich appears on the table]
What? Why? This has something to do with insurance? "Be insured against hunger, with State Farm."
Friend 2: "Ohhh yeah."
Dude: "And the girl from 4E?"
[Girl appears]
"Be insured against blue balls, with State Farm."
Friend 2: [inexplicably delivering his line like a Southern Baptist minister] "And can I get a hot tub?!"
[Hot tub appears in the middle of the room]
Agent: "Nice."
"Be insured against not looking like the kind of douchebag who has a hot tub in the center of his apartment, with State Farm."
Voiceover: "Find out what else State Farm agents can do for you at whyagent.com."
I think you mean "Find out what State Farm agents can do for you," since this commercial did not show me anything that a State Farm agent can actually do. They're not going to bring me a sandwich or make a hot tub appear in my apartment, and they're definitely not going to get me laid. For that matter, wasn't that agent here because of a broken window? What happened to that?
Selling products without referencing anything they do is one thing; that's old hat at this point, and frankly it's an odd commercial these days that focuses too heavily on its product's strengths. But selling a product based only on things it doesn't do, can't do, and will never, ever do no matter how much you use it? It's like a Coke ad that says it helps build strong bones or some shit. I would have just written this off as obviously intended to be silly humor if not for the fact that they explicitly use the word "else." What else can State Farm agents do for you? No. They cannot do anything shown, at any point. Here's what a State Farm agent can probably do for you: survey the damage, help you to file a claim, and then never be involved with you again until the next time something breaks in your house. Granted, that doesn't play as well on television.
I'm guessing that people under the age of 35 were not buying enough insurance.
Friend 1: "Snatching stuff takes-" [rock smashes through window] "Oh! What is going on in here?"
Friend 2: "Uh oh."
Dude With Insurance: "It's okay, relax. Watch this." [singing poorly] "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!"
[State Farm Agent appears from nowhere]
Agent: "Hey Dave."
I'm guessing mid to late 20s for these guys. Do they really all remember this jingle? When was the last time State Farm used it before this series of ads? Whatever.
Friend 2: "Wow."
Friend 1: "Is that your agent?"
Dude: "It's the jingle."
Ugh. Talk about an annoying meta-concept. "Off-key renditions of our famous jingle are like the Bat Signal for our insurance agents!" How postmodern of you.
Dude: "Try it!"
Friend 1: "Uh, no."
You had the right idea.
Friend 2: [singing extremely poorly] "Like a good neighbor-"
Dude: "Just say it."
Friend 2: "State Farm is- is there."
Friend 1: "With a sandwich."
[A sandwich appears on the table]
What? Why? This has something to do with insurance? "Be insured against hunger, with State Farm."
Friend 2: "Ohhh yeah."
Dude: "And the girl from 4E?"
[Girl appears]
"Be insured against blue balls, with State Farm."
Friend 2: [inexplicably delivering his line like a Southern Baptist minister] "And can I get a hot tub?!"
[Hot tub appears in the middle of the room]
Agent: "Nice."
"Be insured against not looking like the kind of douchebag who has a hot tub in the center of his apartment, with State Farm."
Voiceover: "Find out what else State Farm agents can do for you at whyagent.com."
I think you mean "Find out what State Farm agents can do for you," since this commercial did not show me anything that a State Farm agent can actually do. They're not going to bring me a sandwich or make a hot tub appear in my apartment, and they're definitely not going to get me laid. For that matter, wasn't that agent here because of a broken window? What happened to that?
Selling products without referencing anything they do is one thing; that's old hat at this point, and frankly it's an odd commercial these days that focuses too heavily on its product's strengths. But selling a product based only on things it doesn't do, can't do, and will never, ever do no matter how much you use it? It's like a Coke ad that says it helps build strong bones or some shit. I would have just written this off as obviously intended to be silly humor if not for the fact that they explicitly use the word "else." What else can State Farm agents do for you? No. They cannot do anything shown, at any point. Here's what a State Farm agent can probably do for you: survey the damage, help you to file a claim, and then never be involved with you again until the next time something breaks in your house. Granted, that doesn't play as well on television.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
You have to be kidding me
We talk about unrealistic ads on here all the time, but it's almost unthinkable how bad this one is.
Let me preface this by saying I've never been to a Buffalo Wild Wings. But I sort of assumed from the name that they were some sort of buffalo wing restaurant. And yet, in all the commercials I've seen of theirs - and during the NCAA tournament there have been more than a few - I cannot once recall seeing anyone eat, or even hold, an actual chicken wing.
In fact, the commercials that do air make Buffalo Wild Wings seem like the Trilateral Commission's private sports bar. A panel that enables them to fix the outcomes of sporting events? Referees in their back pocket? Truly this is a frightening vision of the New World Order.
These ads annoy me for a number of reasons, not least because "You have to be here" is such a ridiculous tagline. Why do I have to be there? It seems to be just like any other sports bar. And the idea of people in a sports bar not wanting to leave just kind of depresses me. How miserable is your life if you're all, "Oh, please let this game continue! When I'm inside the protective sanctuary of Buffalo Wild Wings, all my cares melt away! I simply can't face harsh reality again so soon!" If that sounds familiar, you've got bigger problems than whether or not this game goes into overtime.
In addition, this ad substantially misrepresents what it's like to be a fan of a sports team, as I think anyone who actually is (a group which apparently does not include anyone at Buffalo Wild Wings' ad agency, who seem to view sports as something they once heard of) would easily recognize. I mean, let's talk about what exactly is happening in the basketball game being watched in this ad:
1. New York and Boston are playing.
2. New York has just tied the game at 102 on a dunk with less than six seconds to play.
3. The entire bar, including any number of people in Boston apparel, cheers this result.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????
I don't care how great a time you're having at Buffalo Wild Wings, eating chicken wings (I assume) and drinking probably shitty beer. If you are a real sports fan, you want your team to win. A situation in which they somehow give up a wide-open, game-tying dunk with six seconds left is not something to be applauded. Further applauding when your team is going to win the game but is unable to do so because the player is blinded by a camera flash is complete lunacy.
But who cares if your team wins, right? You're just a fan of, you know, watching sports. In a general sense. It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you get to sit in a Buffalo Wild Wings for an additional 15 minutes. Because you just have to be there.
Let me preface this by saying I've never been to a Buffalo Wild Wings. But I sort of assumed from the name that they were some sort of buffalo wing restaurant. And yet, in all the commercials I've seen of theirs - and during the NCAA tournament there have been more than a few - I cannot once recall seeing anyone eat, or even hold, an actual chicken wing.
In fact, the commercials that do air make Buffalo Wild Wings seem like the Trilateral Commission's private sports bar. A panel that enables them to fix the outcomes of sporting events? Referees in their back pocket? Truly this is a frightening vision of the New World Order.
These ads annoy me for a number of reasons, not least because "You have to be here" is such a ridiculous tagline. Why do I have to be there? It seems to be just like any other sports bar. And the idea of people in a sports bar not wanting to leave just kind of depresses me. How miserable is your life if you're all, "Oh, please let this game continue! When I'm inside the protective sanctuary of Buffalo Wild Wings, all my cares melt away! I simply can't face harsh reality again so soon!" If that sounds familiar, you've got bigger problems than whether or not this game goes into overtime.
In addition, this ad substantially misrepresents what it's like to be a fan of a sports team, as I think anyone who actually is (a group which apparently does not include anyone at Buffalo Wild Wings' ad agency, who seem to view sports as something they once heard of) would easily recognize. I mean, let's talk about what exactly is happening in the basketball game being watched in this ad:
1. New York and Boston are playing.
2. New York has just tied the game at 102 on a dunk with less than six seconds to play.
3. The entire bar, including any number of people in Boston apparel, cheers this result.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????
I don't care how great a time you're having at Buffalo Wild Wings, eating chicken wings (I assume) and drinking probably shitty beer. If you are a real sports fan, you want your team to win. A situation in which they somehow give up a wide-open, game-tying dunk with six seconds left is not something to be applauded. Further applauding when your team is going to win the game but is unable to do so because the player is blinded by a camera flash is complete lunacy.
But who cares if your team wins, right? You're just a fan of, you know, watching sports. In a general sense. It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you get to sit in a Buffalo Wild Wings for an additional 15 minutes. Because you just have to be there.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It's not a good commercial, it's DiGiorno
What is it about pizza commercials and torturing the shit out of their premises?
[Couples playing a game; doorbell rings]
Husband: "Honey, the pizza guy."
Wife: "Sure."
Sure. Because they ordered pizza. That is the only reason for anyone to respond this way.
Pizza Guy: "Me again!"
Wife: "Okay, now this is the last time, all right?"
Pizza Guy: "Thanks! You know, we don't deliver anything like this, this crispy flatbread..." [bites into pizza, has orgasm]
Oh, they didn't order pizza - apparently the pizza guy loves DiGiorno pizza so much that he keeps showing up at this one house. Editorializing much, DiGiorno? The idea that people couldn't tell a frozen pizza from delivery was already a bit of a stretch, but "no pizzeria in America delivers pizza comparable in its deliciousness to ours?" Back right the fuck up.
Also, just add layers to the stupidity of the general concept. How did he even know they had this pizza? If they're making DiGiorno I'm assuming they never called for even one pizza from "Vinny's," so what brought this guy to their door in the first place? One of those animated aroma waves that turns into a beckoning hand when it reaches you? Second, if you don't want to give the guy pizza, stop answering the door. And who is this fucking moocher? "Hey, uh, I know what you guys have in there can be bought in any store, but... I'm just going to keep ringing until you give it to me for free."
Finally, the whole "even people who work for other companies prefer our food!" thing has always driven me kind of crazy as a tactic. Because who cares? Why is that supposed to matter? This guy can't eat his own pizzeria's pizza every day of his life. And even if DiGiorno pizza is just that good, it's probably not so good that I'd never want to eat anything else. (It's actually a lot like the ad I linked to at the beginning. What, exactly, is wrong with the sub guy wanting to eat somewhere other than his own store? He probably eats there all the time. I know the point the ads are trying to make, but it's just lazy.)
I mean, if you're going to insist on making annoying, stupid ads - and I'm sure companies will, which is just as well, lest this site lose its entire raison d'être - couldn't the plot of the ad at least make some goddamn sense? Why even spend money on writers and actors if you can't bother with that? At this point they might as well just go back to the Bulova watch face. Which is more likely to get you to the store, this annoying nonsense or a ten-second clip of a nice-looking pizza being pulled out of the oven with a voice saying "It's DiGiorno time!" Yeah, me too.
[Couples playing a game; doorbell rings]
Husband: "Honey, the pizza guy."
Wife: "Sure."
Sure. Because they ordered pizza. That is the only reason for anyone to respond this way.
Pizza Guy: "Me again!"
Wife: "Okay, now this is the last time, all right?"
Pizza Guy: "Thanks! You know, we don't deliver anything like this, this crispy flatbread..." [bites into pizza, has orgasm]
Oh, they didn't order pizza - apparently the pizza guy loves DiGiorno pizza so much that he keeps showing up at this one house. Editorializing much, DiGiorno? The idea that people couldn't tell a frozen pizza from delivery was already a bit of a stretch, but "no pizzeria in America delivers pizza comparable in its deliciousness to ours?" Back right the fuck up.
Also, just add layers to the stupidity of the general concept. How did he even know they had this pizza? If they're making DiGiorno I'm assuming they never called for even one pizza from "Vinny's," so what brought this guy to their door in the first place? One of those animated aroma waves that turns into a beckoning hand when it reaches you? Second, if you don't want to give the guy pizza, stop answering the door. And who is this fucking moocher? "Hey, uh, I know what you guys have in there can be bought in any store, but... I'm just going to keep ringing until you give it to me for free."
Finally, the whole "even people who work for other companies prefer our food!" thing has always driven me kind of crazy as a tactic. Because who cares? Why is that supposed to matter? This guy can't eat his own pizzeria's pizza every day of his life. And even if DiGiorno pizza is just that good, it's probably not so good that I'd never want to eat anything else. (It's actually a lot like the ad I linked to at the beginning. What, exactly, is wrong with the sub guy wanting to eat somewhere other than his own store? He probably eats there all the time. I know the point the ads are trying to make, but it's just lazy.)
I mean, if you're going to insist on making annoying, stupid ads - and I'm sure companies will, which is just as well, lest this site lose its entire raison d'être - couldn't the plot of the ad at least make some goddamn sense? Why even spend money on writers and actors if you can't bother with that? At this point they might as well just go back to the Bulova watch face. Which is more likely to get you to the store, this annoying nonsense or a ten-second clip of a nice-looking pizza being pulled out of the oven with a voice saying "It's DiGiorno time!" Yeah, me too.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
She aches just like a woman, but she breaks just like a GPS
Guys, you can stop wondering. The mystery of what women want has been solved... by Jared.
That's right: women want diamonds. All women. In fact, even GPS devices, which lack a gender aside from the sex of the person who recorded their canned audio tracks, want diamonds, provided you've got the female voice setting on. I guess if this guy had the male voice switched on it would have demanded he go out for brewskis and presented directions to the nearest bar. Because in ad world, every member of a group is exactly the same, even when that member is not even a person and therefore not even actually a member of the group in question.
GPS: "Navigation system activated. Oh, look - he went to Jared."
Guy: "Ex... cuse me?"
That is also the reaction I would have if my GPS started talking in sentient fashion. Fair enough so far... I guess.
GPS: "What's in the bag, Dave?"
How did the GPS know his name? (I know, it's a reference to 2001, please don't tell me how I missed the joke in the comments.) Come to think of it, how does the GPS know what Jared is? How is the GPS capable of "seeing" objects in the car? Also, we can see in the next shot that the GPS's perspective is aimed at Dave's face. How did it even see the bag?
I know, I know - these are trifling questions, really. But I can't stand commercials that refuse to stand on even the smallest shred of believability. If I can't trust the agency to have thought of obvious things in the plot - such as why, for even one second, it would matter whether or not a reindeer had a "map" - why should I buy into what they're selling? Isn't the whole point of most television commercials to present a short story that in some way indicates why I would want a product?
Dave: "A diamond necklace?"
GPS: "May I see it?"
Women! Right? Even when it's not really a woman! It's a piece of machinery, but it has a woman's voice, and therefore it has the craven desire for expensive jewelry of which all women are possessed!
Dave: "Uh, can I just get directions, please?"
Okay, where is this guy going that he even needs the GPS? He's buying a diamond necklace at Jared, at - according to the GPS's screen - 12:23 pm. He's wearing a shirt and tie, which means it's probably a weekday and he came from work. So... he probably has to go back to work! Does he really need directions to retrace the exact path he already took to get to the Jared in the first place? Also, if he had to ask directions to get to the Jared, shouldn't the GPS already have known where he was going?
GPS: "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
[doors lock]
Because GPS systems are wired directly into a car's power locks, too. Also, does the GPS realize it can be turned off via a button on the front? This isn't exactly Dave Bowman floating around in HAL's core here. On the bright side, if you're this dude, looks like you just found yourself a way to get your GPS to give it up.
Voiceover: "The Hearts Desire collection at Jared uses only ideal-cut diamonds, to best see the diamonds' true inner fire."
Um, what? This is some grade-A diamond-merchant bullshit, right here. "True inner fire?" I know, that's a technical diamond term... which the diamond people conjured up in an attempt to ascribe passion and emotion to a fucking piece of rock. I hate everything about this. It's light reflecting. Since when is that worth thousands of dollars? How about we just go outside and I'll spray the garden hose in the direction of a light source? It's real purty.
Also, Hearts Desire! Diamonds aren't just "a girl's best friend," they're her "heart's desire" - literally what she truly loves, wants and needs. She doesn't love you - she loves the expensive diamond jewelry your masculine earning power can provide! Even if "she" is a normally inanimate piece of machinery.
Dave: "Now can we go?"
GPS [with the necklace draped over it]: "Oh, Dave. You shouldn't have."
Later, the GPS gave Dave the best blow job he'd ever had. The end.
"You shouldn't have?" He didn't! That necklace isn't for you, GPS. (Good thing he bought a necklace, too, since most other common types of jewelry wouldn't fit on a GPS.) What am I supposed to come out of this ad thinking? That when I walk out of a Jared holding a bag I will instantly be mauled by every woman in the vicinity, each desperate to be the recipient of the shiny, shiny rocks I just purchased? Will empty cars, steered by female-voiced GPS systems, follow me through the parking lot? Because hey - if it looks or sounds female, it's a woman, and if it's a woman, it wants diamonds. And how do we know that? Because companies trying to sell diamonds keep telling us. Makes sense to me!
That's right: women want diamonds. All women. In fact, even GPS devices, which lack a gender aside from the sex of the person who recorded their canned audio tracks, want diamonds, provided you've got the female voice setting on. I guess if this guy had the male voice switched on it would have demanded he go out for brewskis and presented directions to the nearest bar. Because in ad world, every member of a group is exactly the same, even when that member is not even a person and therefore not even actually a member of the group in question.
GPS: "Navigation system activated. Oh, look - he went to Jared."
Guy: "Ex... cuse me?"
That is also the reaction I would have if my GPS started talking in sentient fashion. Fair enough so far... I guess.
GPS: "What's in the bag, Dave?"
How did the GPS know his name? (I know, it's a reference to 2001, please don't tell me how I missed the joke in the comments.) Come to think of it, how does the GPS know what Jared is? How is the GPS capable of "seeing" objects in the car? Also, we can see in the next shot that the GPS's perspective is aimed at Dave's face. How did it even see the bag?
I know, I know - these are trifling questions, really. But I can't stand commercials that refuse to stand on even the smallest shred of believability. If I can't trust the agency to have thought of obvious things in the plot - such as why, for even one second, it would matter whether or not a reindeer had a "map" - why should I buy into what they're selling? Isn't the whole point of most television commercials to present a short story that in some way indicates why I would want a product?
Dave: "A diamond necklace?"
GPS: "May I see it?"
Women! Right? Even when it's not really a woman! It's a piece of machinery, but it has a woman's voice, and therefore it has the craven desire for expensive jewelry of which all women are possessed!
Dave: "Uh, can I just get directions, please?"
Okay, where is this guy going that he even needs the GPS? He's buying a diamond necklace at Jared, at - according to the GPS's screen - 12:23 pm. He's wearing a shirt and tie, which means it's probably a weekday and he came from work. So... he probably has to go back to work! Does he really need directions to retrace the exact path he already took to get to the Jared in the first place? Also, if he had to ask directions to get to the Jared, shouldn't the GPS already have known where he was going?
GPS: "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
[doors lock]
Because GPS systems are wired directly into a car's power locks, too. Also, does the GPS realize it can be turned off via a button on the front? This isn't exactly Dave Bowman floating around in HAL's core here. On the bright side, if you're this dude, looks like you just found yourself a way to get your GPS to give it up.
Voiceover: "The Hearts Desire collection at Jared uses only ideal-cut diamonds, to best see the diamonds' true inner fire."
Um, what? This is some grade-A diamond-merchant bullshit, right here. "True inner fire?" I know, that's a technical diamond term... which the diamond people conjured up in an attempt to ascribe passion and emotion to a fucking piece of rock. I hate everything about this. It's light reflecting. Since when is that worth thousands of dollars? How about we just go outside and I'll spray the garden hose in the direction of a light source? It's real purty.
Also, Hearts Desire! Diamonds aren't just "a girl's best friend," they're her "heart's desire" - literally what she truly loves, wants and needs. She doesn't love you - she loves the expensive diamond jewelry your masculine earning power can provide! Even if "she" is a normally inanimate piece of machinery.
Dave: "Now can we go?"
GPS [with the necklace draped over it]: "Oh, Dave. You shouldn't have."
Later, the GPS gave Dave the best blow job he'd ever had. The end.
"You shouldn't have?" He didn't! That necklace isn't for you, GPS. (Good thing he bought a necklace, too, since most other common types of jewelry wouldn't fit on a GPS.) What am I supposed to come out of this ad thinking? That when I walk out of a Jared holding a bag I will instantly be mauled by every woman in the vicinity, each desperate to be the recipient of the shiny, shiny rocks I just purchased? Will empty cars, steered by female-voiced GPS systems, follow me through the parking lot? Because hey - if it looks or sounds female, it's a woman, and if it's a woman, it wants diamonds. And how do we know that? Because companies trying to sell diamonds keep telling us. Makes sense to me!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Lord of the NuvaRings
You know what's never a stilted, completely implausible idea for a commercial? Having people sit around and discuss your product like the subject fascinates them. Take it away, NuvaRing:
Yeah, that happened ever.
Woman 1: "Ooh, I love this commercial!" [sings along with jingle from previous NuvaRing commercial]
Getting off to a great start with flagrant editorializing of their own ads. Obviously that's complete bullshit, but let's just give it to them for now... I'm more amused by the fact that the woman "love[s] this commercial" yet doesn't seem to have much idea what NuvaRing is and is singing along perkily even though the idea behind the song is that taking a birth control pill every day - the reason they're singing every day out loud - is something you don't want to be doing.
Woman 2: "Would you guys try NuvaRing?"
Woman 3: "I'm not even sure what it is!"
Ha ha! Good thing this is a NuvaRing commercial. Get ready for a face full of information.
Woman 2: "It is a monthly vaginal birth control ring that delivers a low dose of hormones."
I love the way she delivers this line, because it sounds like she's stumbling through remembering something the NuvaRing people coached her to say at the NuvaRing party she's secretly throwing for her friends. Oddly, no one blinked when she popped in the DVD and a NuvaRing ad came on instead of Bride Wars.
Woman 1: "Don't you have to... put it in..."
Yeah, hence the word "vaginal." See, she loves the song, but was paying no attention to the product itself; this probably serves as a dramatization of the reason for this new commercial's existence. Except that no one in the world loves that song for real.
Woman 2: "For me it's easy. You put NuvaRing in for three weeks, you take it out, and then you put a new one in seven days later."
I'm not a woman, but I don't know about this. Is sticking a piece of plastic into your vagina - where it will reside almost constantly - really easier than taking a tiny pill every day? Is there that much difference between the ring-less week and the pill's placebo period? Maybe the rest of the ad will explain things. (Spoiler: it won't.)
Woman 3: "I can handle that."
Good thing it's not any harder, for I am a woman and incapable of complex mechanical tasks!
Woman 2: "Small, and comfortable - plus you don't have to take it every day."
Yes you do! It is in your vagina every day. (Okay, except the week when it's not. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.) You are always taking it. But hey, at least you don't have to go through the strenuous exertion of peristalsis!
Woman 3: "But I'm already on the pi-"
Woman 2 [sarcastically]: "The pill!"
Woman 3: "I know, right?"
Woman 2: "So was I, until I talked to my doctor about switching."
I don't know how many female readers we have, but I'd really like to know how many find the pill to be/have been an unbearable hassle. Short of not taking birth control at all, you're still being dosed with hormones, yes? Is there an annoyance about having to remember to take the pill, and having problems if you miss? There must be some reason why having a goddamn piece of plastic resident in your genitals is being pitched as a vastly superior alternative. If you told men they could stop wearing condoms but they'd have to get an aglet shoved into their urethra once a month, I wonder how many would actually go for it.
Woman 2: "NuvaRing is just as effective."
Was that anyone's concern here?
Woman 3: "Really."
Woman 1: "Here are the risks."
Hey, did you forget you were watching a commercial? You probably did, because the dialogue is so conversational... natural... magical. So let's zoom into the TV and discuss your risk of stroke and heart attack. Once that's out of the way, it's back to our three fabulous friends.
Woman 3: "So you'd recommend it?"
Woman 2: "I would."
Hey, that's great, paid NuvaRing spokeswoman.
Woman 3: "Maybe it's time I asked my doctor about it."
Woman 2: "You should!"
Is it me or is Woman 2 really smug throughout this whole commercial? "Hey, glad you came to that brilliant decision after I spent the past 30 minutes explaining how the pill was designed by Nazi scientists. Let's all head down to the NuvaRing store!" (This being a commercial, I'm sure there's a special store that sells nothing but NuvaRings. Just be sure you have a prescription or the bouncer will throw your ass out.)
Also, Woman 1 really gets the short end of the stick in this ad. First she's made to look like a doofus who sings along with lame television commercials, then she's a horrible prude who can't even get out the word "vagina" in front of her two friends, then she's stuck with the thankless task of introducing the blood clot warnings. And then at the end she just nods and plays no role in the actual story! Plus for some reason they stuck her in the worst chair in the apartment. "No, that's cool, you guys watch TV, I'll just listen to it and watch your reactions. I'm thinking about going back for my master's in sociology, so..." She probably gets totally pushed to the back when they're out at the bar, too. With friends like those, who needs NuvaRing?
Yeah, that happened ever.
Woman 1: "Ooh, I love this commercial!" [sings along with jingle from previous NuvaRing commercial]
Getting off to a great start with flagrant editorializing of their own ads. Obviously that's complete bullshit, but let's just give it to them for now... I'm more amused by the fact that the woman "love[s] this commercial" yet doesn't seem to have much idea what NuvaRing is and is singing along perkily even though the idea behind the song is that taking a birth control pill every day - the reason they're singing every day out loud - is something you don't want to be doing.
Woman 2: "Would you guys try NuvaRing?"
Woman 3: "I'm not even sure what it is!"
Ha ha! Good thing this is a NuvaRing commercial. Get ready for a face full of information.
Woman 2: "It is a monthly vaginal birth control ring that delivers a low dose of hormones."
I love the way she delivers this line, because it sounds like she's stumbling through remembering something the NuvaRing people coached her to say at the NuvaRing party she's secretly throwing for her friends. Oddly, no one blinked when she popped in the DVD and a NuvaRing ad came on instead of Bride Wars.
Woman 1: "Don't you have to... put it in..."
Yeah, hence the word "vaginal." See, she loves the song, but was paying no attention to the product itself; this probably serves as a dramatization of the reason for this new commercial's existence. Except that no one in the world loves that song for real.
Woman 2: "For me it's easy. You put NuvaRing in for three weeks, you take it out, and then you put a new one in seven days later."
I'm not a woman, but I don't know about this. Is sticking a piece of plastic into your vagina - where it will reside almost constantly - really easier than taking a tiny pill every day? Is there that much difference between the ring-less week and the pill's placebo period? Maybe the rest of the ad will explain things. (Spoiler: it won't.)
Woman 3: "I can handle that."
Good thing it's not any harder, for I am a woman and incapable of complex mechanical tasks!
Woman 2: "Small, and comfortable - plus you don't have to take it every day."
Yes you do! It is in your vagina every day. (Okay, except the week when it's not. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.) You are always taking it. But hey, at least you don't have to go through the strenuous exertion of peristalsis!
Woman 3: "But I'm already on the pi-"
Woman 2 [sarcastically]: "The pill!"
Woman 3: "I know, right?"
Woman 2: "So was I, until I talked to my doctor about switching."
I don't know how many female readers we have, but I'd really like to know how many find the pill to be/have been an unbearable hassle. Short of not taking birth control at all, you're still being dosed with hormones, yes? Is there an annoyance about having to remember to take the pill, and having problems if you miss? There must be some reason why having a goddamn piece of plastic resident in your genitals is being pitched as a vastly superior alternative. If you told men they could stop wearing condoms but they'd have to get an aglet shoved into their urethra once a month, I wonder how many would actually go for it.
Woman 2: "NuvaRing is just as effective."
Was that anyone's concern here?
Woman 3: "Really."
Woman 1: "Here are the risks."
Hey, did you forget you were watching a commercial? You probably did, because the dialogue is so conversational... natural... magical. So let's zoom into the TV and discuss your risk of stroke and heart attack. Once that's out of the way, it's back to our three fabulous friends.
Woman 3: "So you'd recommend it?"
Woman 2: "I would."
Hey, that's great, paid NuvaRing spokeswoman.
Woman 3: "Maybe it's time I asked my doctor about it."
Woman 2: "You should!"
Is it me or is Woman 2 really smug throughout this whole commercial? "Hey, glad you came to that brilliant decision after I spent the past 30 minutes explaining how the pill was designed by Nazi scientists. Let's all head down to the NuvaRing store!" (This being a commercial, I'm sure there's a special store that sells nothing but NuvaRings. Just be sure you have a prescription or the bouncer will throw your ass out.)
Also, Woman 1 really gets the short end of the stick in this ad. First she's made to look like a doofus who sings along with lame television commercials, then she's a horrible prude who can't even get out the word "vagina" in front of her two friends, then she's stuck with the thankless task of introducing the blood clot warnings. And then at the end she just nods and plays no role in the actual story! Plus for some reason they stuck her in the worst chair in the apartment. "No, that's cool, you guys watch TV, I'll just listen to it and watch your reactions. I'm thinking about going back for my master's in sociology, so..." She probably gets totally pushed to the back when they're out at the bar, too. With friends like those, who needs NuvaRing?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Their flower power is no match for my glower power
I've said this before, but be wary of attacking competitors when your own product is hardly the pinnacle of necessity. Right, Teleflora?
See, Teleflora, here's the thing. When you're talking about what flowers in a box might "say"? What they're "saying" in reality would already be determined before the person even opened the box. Because if there's actually a problem with getting flowers in a box, the script for this commercial would not start like this:
Gary: "Hey Diane, flowers came for you!"
Bald Guy: "Oooh, flowers for Diane!"
Woman: "I never get flowers!"
They sound pretty impressed, in spite of the fact that they can all see that the flowers are in a box. Therefore the rest of this commercial (which we'll get to in a minute) is actually completely meaningless. I would probably have started it more like this:
Gary: "Hey Diane, flowers came for you!"
Bald Guy: "Oooh, flowers for - wait a second, are those in a box?"
Woman: "I don't know about this..."
And then, on to the rest of this nonsense.
Flowers: "Oh no! Look at the mug on you, Diane! You're a train wreck! That's why he only sent a box of flowers."
Why would the box of flowers insult itself? Whatever. Look. If he bothered to send flowers at all, there's no way he actually thinks this. For the sake of argument, let's say that sending a box of flowers is, in fact, totally lame. What woman would receive said flowers and decide that he thinks she's ugly?
Flowers: "Go home to your romance novels and your fat, smelly cat!"
Voiceover: "This Valentine's Day, don't send flowers in a box - you never know what they'll say."
They'll say, "I cared only just enough to send a trite gift that required effectively no thought on my part." Here's the problem where Teleflora is concerned: so would any flowers. Because sending someone flowers is a lame gift. I realize it's traditional, but let's not pretend that it takes any more thought than, "Hey, maybe I should get her some flowers! I'm so getting laid tonight." It's just like a box of chocolates - sure, you might like getting a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day, but no one in their right mind really thinks of that as some grand romantic gesture.
Flowers: "No one wants to see you naked!"
I'm a little surprised they got away with this. But, again, I call bullshit. If he sent flowers at all, and there wasn't a card included that said "It's over," then he wants to see her naked. I'm confused as to what perspective this ad is even taking. No guy who's sending flowers in a box is doing so thinking, "That hideous hag only deserves a box of flowers," and no woman receiving them is thinking, "He thinks I'm a hideous hag who only deserves a box of flowers!" Does Teleflora think they're actually going to convince people that they should be thinking that? I'm guessing it isn't going to work.
Voiceover: "Teleflora's bouquets are hand-arranged, hand-delivered in a keepsake vase, not in a box."
"Keepsake"? Seriously? Whatever. Anyway, who gives a shit if they're "hand-arranged," honestly? Unless your boyfriend hand-arranged them himself, ladies, I don't see any compelling reason to give him more credit for calling one flower company instead of another. I guess it's nice that you don't have to scrounge up your own vase, but let's face it, these things will be dead in a week no matter what you do with them. Maybe you could put them in your "keepsake" Star Wars collectible glasses.
Voiceover: "That's the Teleflora difference."
If you actually do a little research on the interwebs, it turns out that sending flowers in a vase is pretty much standard practice. In fact, I Googled "flowers in a box," and after a wholesale florist site, the next two hits were links to videos of this very commercial. 1-800-FLOWERS, FTD and ProFlowers, the top three hits on a search for "flowers," all include vases, and 1-800-FLOWERS and FTD both tout that a local florist will hand-arrange the flowers for you. Who is Teleflora even attacking? It's like that ad Pepsi ran during the Super Bowl:
Teen 1: "Yo, man, I'm thirsty."
Teen 2: "Me too. Hey, let's crack open a frosty can of Coke with Anthrax!"
Teen 1: "That's what I'm talkin' about!!!"
[they open the can]
Talking Can: "Whoa, you two are a bunch of losers! Coke with Anthrax? Enjoy dying of anthrax!"
Teen 1: "Quick, recycle it!"
Voiceover: "Coke with anthrax in it - that isn't refreshing! Drink Pepsi and refresh everything!"
Oh, wait, that didn't happen, because only Teleflora is dumb enough to make an ad suggesting that you don't buy a product that none of their competitors is trying to sell you.
Gary: "I'd like to see-"
Diane: "Gary!"
"Don't send sexual harassment lawsuit papers in a box - you never know what message you'll send! Teller and Flores, Attorneys at Law will hand-deliver your sexual harassment suit and even give that sleazy coworker a withering look as they do so! That's the Teller and Flores difference."
See, Teleflora, here's the thing. When you're talking about what flowers in a box might "say"? What they're "saying" in reality would already be determined before the person even opened the box. Because if there's actually a problem with getting flowers in a box, the script for this commercial would not start like this:
Gary: "Hey Diane, flowers came for you!"
Bald Guy: "Oooh, flowers for Diane!"
Woman: "I never get flowers!"
They sound pretty impressed, in spite of the fact that they can all see that the flowers are in a box. Therefore the rest of this commercial (which we'll get to in a minute) is actually completely meaningless. I would probably have started it more like this:
Gary: "Hey Diane, flowers came for you!"
Bald Guy: "Oooh, flowers for - wait a second, are those in a box?"
Woman: "I don't know about this..."
And then, on to the rest of this nonsense.
Flowers: "Oh no! Look at the mug on you, Diane! You're a train wreck! That's why he only sent a box of flowers."
Why would the box of flowers insult itself? Whatever. Look. If he bothered to send flowers at all, there's no way he actually thinks this. For the sake of argument, let's say that sending a box of flowers is, in fact, totally lame. What woman would receive said flowers and decide that he thinks she's ugly?
Flowers: "Go home to your romance novels and your fat, smelly cat!"
Voiceover: "This Valentine's Day, don't send flowers in a box - you never know what they'll say."
They'll say, "I cared only just enough to send a trite gift that required effectively no thought on my part." Here's the problem where Teleflora is concerned: so would any flowers. Because sending someone flowers is a lame gift. I realize it's traditional, but let's not pretend that it takes any more thought than, "Hey, maybe I should get her some flowers! I'm so getting laid tonight." It's just like a box of chocolates - sure, you might like getting a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day, but no one in their right mind really thinks of that as some grand romantic gesture.
Flowers: "No one wants to see you naked!"
I'm a little surprised they got away with this. But, again, I call bullshit. If he sent flowers at all, and there wasn't a card included that said "It's over," then he wants to see her naked. I'm confused as to what perspective this ad is even taking. No guy who's sending flowers in a box is doing so thinking, "That hideous hag only deserves a box of flowers," and no woman receiving them is thinking, "He thinks I'm a hideous hag who only deserves a box of flowers!" Does Teleflora think they're actually going to convince people that they should be thinking that? I'm guessing it isn't going to work.
Voiceover: "Teleflora's bouquets are hand-arranged, hand-delivered in a keepsake vase, not in a box."
"Keepsake"? Seriously? Whatever. Anyway, who gives a shit if they're "hand-arranged," honestly? Unless your boyfriend hand-arranged them himself, ladies, I don't see any compelling reason to give him more credit for calling one flower company instead of another. I guess it's nice that you don't have to scrounge up your own vase, but let's face it, these things will be dead in a week no matter what you do with them. Maybe you could put them in your "keepsake" Star Wars collectible glasses.
Voiceover: "That's the Teleflora difference."
If you actually do a little research on the interwebs, it turns out that sending flowers in a vase is pretty much standard practice. In fact, I Googled "flowers in a box," and after a wholesale florist site, the next two hits were links to videos of this very commercial. 1-800-FLOWERS, FTD and ProFlowers, the top three hits on a search for "flowers," all include vases, and 1-800-FLOWERS and FTD both tout that a local florist will hand-arrange the flowers for you. Who is Teleflora even attacking? It's like that ad Pepsi ran during the Super Bowl:
Teen 1: "Yo, man, I'm thirsty."
Teen 2: "Me too. Hey, let's crack open a frosty can of Coke with Anthrax!"
Teen 1: "That's what I'm talkin' about!!!"
[they open the can]
Talking Can: "Whoa, you two are a bunch of losers! Coke with Anthrax? Enjoy dying of anthrax!"
Teen 1: "Quick, recycle it!"
Voiceover: "Coke with anthrax in it - that isn't refreshing! Drink Pepsi and refresh everything!"
Oh, wait, that didn't happen, because only Teleflora is dumb enough to make an ad suggesting that you don't buy a product that none of their competitors is trying to sell you.
Gary: "I'd like to see-"
Diane: "Gary!"
"Don't send sexual harassment lawsuit papers in a box - you never know what message you'll send! Teller and Flores, Attorneys at Law will hand-deliver your sexual harassment suit and even give that sleazy coworker a withering look as they do so! That's the Teller and Flores difference."
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Abandon hope all ye who use Verizon
Every ad gimmick eventually runs its course. AT&T has been running with this "Beep! So-and-so's phone" thing for quite a while now; it was marginally funny at first, then eventually tiresome. And apparently it's not having the same effect that it used to, because AT&T has moved from "not having a signal will cause you to miss out on something cool" to, well, something a lot more threatening.
That's right! Use AT&T or you're fucking dead, pal! There's plenty of unrealistic, stupid ad bullshit about this spot, of course - the idea that a blast zone wasn't cleared of people before demolition went ahead; the idea that the blast zone was changed at the last possible minute such that a TV news crew couldn't have learned about it before leaving their office what, half an hour earlier at the most; the idea that "the outskirts of town" is some gaping cellular black hole anywhere in America at this point. But the simple fact that AT&T has moved from "I can't believe I didn't get to see Michael Phelps because of my cell phone" to "I'm about to die because I'm a stupid fucker who doesn't have AT&T" is more than a little disturbing, don't you think?
What's that, AT&T? You have an even more ludicrous way to portray this issue?
"Snowball's phone?" Are you fucking kidding me?
There must have been some magic in that old cell phone they found
For when they placed it to his ear he began to talk real loud
Snowball the snowman
Was a fairy tale they say
And who the fuck was trying to call him
It's not like snowmen have friends
And he's never shown trying to move around so I don't believe he could have escaped this heat wave regardless of whether or not he'd received that call
Also cell phones probably won't work too well if you leave them outside in the cold which maybe was a bigger problem than the number of bars
Just like you remember the tune, right?
That's right! Use AT&T or you're fucking dead, pal! There's plenty of unrealistic, stupid ad bullshit about this spot, of course - the idea that a blast zone wasn't cleared of people before demolition went ahead; the idea that the blast zone was changed at the last possible minute such that a TV news crew couldn't have learned about it before leaving their office what, half an hour earlier at the most; the idea that "the outskirts of town" is some gaping cellular black hole anywhere in America at this point. But the simple fact that AT&T has moved from "I can't believe I didn't get to see Michael Phelps because of my cell phone" to "I'm about to die because I'm a stupid fucker who doesn't have AT&T" is more than a little disturbing, don't you think?
What's that, AT&T? You have an even more ludicrous way to portray this issue?
"Snowball's phone?" Are you fucking kidding me?
There must have been some magic in that old cell phone they found
For when they placed it to his ear he began to talk real loud
Snowball the snowman
Was a fairy tale they say
And who the fuck was trying to call him
It's not like snowmen have friends
And he's never shown trying to move around so I don't believe he could have escaped this heat wave regardless of whether or not he'd received that call
Also cell phones probably won't work too well if you leave them outside in the cold which maybe was a bigger problem than the number of bars
Just like you remember the tune, right?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
What's a five-letter word for "Maker of obnoxious ads?"
A certain jewelry store's catchphrase is starting to become synonymous with everything that's annoying about the diamond industry. Unless you're that jewelry store, in which you'd like us to think people drop it regularly in conversations.
Woman 1: "So, how was last night?"
Woman 2: "Just a sec. What's a thirteen-letter phrase for 'marriage proposal?'"
"Hang on while, rather than answer your question, I do something stupid and gimmicky." Although doesn't she kind of ruin the surprise by actually saying "marriage proposal" here? Wouldn't virtually any person on the planet be tipped off by that? Not her friend, apparently.
Woman 1: [sounding bored, and rightfully so] "I have absolutely no idea."
You sure don't.
Woman 2: "Ooh, wait, I've got it! He went... to... Jared!" [holds up ring]
Woman 1: "He went to..." [sees ring] "He went to Jared!"
[wild celebration ensues]
The important thing is not that he proposed, or how he did it, or how romantic it was. It's the name of the jewelry store he went to. This is not how anyone actually behaves in real life, is it? Do you know people who are more excited by the provenance of a ring than its method of delivery?
This is a bad commercial (series of commercials) for one of two reasons, although I'm not entirely sure which. Reason one is that Jared is suggesting that this is how women actually behave, that they are more concerned with a ring's quality than anything else about the proposal. In other words, that women as a gender are money-grubbing whores. More to the point, it wants men to see the ad and think, "See, look how excited your girlfriend will be if you buy the ring at Jared!" Never mind that that's total bullshit in real life and that any woman who does flip the box over to see where the ring came from should immediately be dumped.
Reason two is the idea that Jared is actually trying to make "He went to Jared!" happen as an alternate for "He asked me to marry him!" Like, they want women to start telling their friends about their engagement by announcing that "He went to Jared!" That's terrible. I mean, it's not going to happen, but ew. The very fact that they're going for it repulses me. The "I take it you told her" line does a lot to sell this one, since I have to assume the guy is talking about their engagement and not that he went to Jared specifically.
I think it's probably a mixture. As we've seen in previous Jared ads, their thesis is basically that marriage proposals mean jack squat unless "he went to Jared." So it's not like it's all about how much the ring cost per se (he didn't go to Tiffany, after all), but it's certainly not about the proposal itself. How much do you think they would love it if the following happened?
Woman 1: Oh my God, Jeff is the sweetest. He met me yesterday after work and we went for a stroll in the park before sunset.
Woman 2: Yawn.
Woman 1: Then, we went out for a romantic dinner at my favorite restaurant in the city.
Woman 2: Big deal.
Woman 1: And then, it turned out he had brought the car downtown, and we took a moonlit drive up the coast with the top down!
Woman 2: What has two thumbs and is super bored by this story? This girl.
Woman 1: Then finally he pulled off at this scenic view, with the moon reflecting on the ocean, and he asked me to marry him! It was the best night of my life.
Woman 2: Snooze.
Woman 1: Oh, and uh... he went to Jared.
Woman 2: ZOMG [series of high-pitched squeals almost inaudible to the human ear]
Woman 1: I'm really lucky, aren't I?
Woman 2: Oh my God, you totally are. I mean, Jared.
Woman 1: The rest of it was pretty good t-
Woman 2: JARED.
That should probably be their next ad, come to think of it.
Woman 1: "So, how was last night?"
Woman 2: "Just a sec. What's a thirteen-letter phrase for 'marriage proposal?'"
"Hang on while, rather than answer your question, I do something stupid and gimmicky." Although doesn't she kind of ruin the surprise by actually saying "marriage proposal" here? Wouldn't virtually any person on the planet be tipped off by that? Not her friend, apparently.
Woman 1: [sounding bored, and rightfully so] "I have absolutely no idea."
You sure don't.
Woman 2: "Ooh, wait, I've got it! He went... to... Jared!" [holds up ring]
Woman 1: "He went to..." [sees ring] "He went to Jared!"
[wild celebration ensues]
The important thing is not that he proposed, or how he did it, or how romantic it was. It's the name of the jewelry store he went to. This is not how anyone actually behaves in real life, is it? Do you know people who are more excited by the provenance of a ring than its method of delivery?
This is a bad commercial (series of commercials) for one of two reasons, although I'm not entirely sure which. Reason one is that Jared is suggesting that this is how women actually behave, that they are more concerned with a ring's quality than anything else about the proposal. In other words, that women as a gender are money-grubbing whores. More to the point, it wants men to see the ad and think, "See, look how excited your girlfriend will be if you buy the ring at Jared!" Never mind that that's total bullshit in real life and that any woman who does flip the box over to see where the ring came from should immediately be dumped.
Reason two is the idea that Jared is actually trying to make "He went to Jared!" happen as an alternate for "He asked me to marry him!" Like, they want women to start telling their friends about their engagement by announcing that "He went to Jared!" That's terrible. I mean, it's not going to happen, but ew. The very fact that they're going for it repulses me. The "I take it you told her" line does a lot to sell this one, since I have to assume the guy is talking about their engagement and not that he went to Jared specifically.
I think it's probably a mixture. As we've seen in previous Jared ads, their thesis is basically that marriage proposals mean jack squat unless "he went to Jared." So it's not like it's all about how much the ring cost per se (he didn't go to Tiffany, after all), but it's certainly not about the proposal itself. How much do you think they would love it if the following happened?
Woman 1: Oh my God, Jeff is the sweetest. He met me yesterday after work and we went for a stroll in the park before sunset.
Woman 2: Yawn.
Woman 1: Then, we went out for a romantic dinner at my favorite restaurant in the city.
Woman 2: Big deal.
Woman 1: And then, it turned out he had brought the car downtown, and we took a moonlit drive up the coast with the top down!
Woman 2: What has two thumbs and is super bored by this story? This girl.
Woman 1: Then finally he pulled off at this scenic view, with the moon reflecting on the ocean, and he asked me to marry him! It was the best night of my life.
Woman 2: Snooze.
Woman 1: Oh, and uh... he went to Jared.
Woman 2: ZOMG [series of high-pitched squeals almost inaudible to the human ear]
Woman 1: I'm really lucky, aren't I?
Woman 2: Oh my God, you totally are. I mean, Jared.
Woman 1: The rest of it was pretty good t-
Woman 2: JARED.
That should probably be their next ad, come to think of it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Cars > Ponies
Maybe I'm just a cynic, but... well, okay, I'm a cynic. But television starts to give me a really queasy feeling in my stomach around the holidays. I mean more than usual. One yearly offender is the ads run by that purveyor of expensive automobiles, always an easy sell in a slow economic climate, Lexus.
Yeah! Fuck you, pony!
So, if I get this right, Lexus is claiming that getting a car is more exciting/meaningful to an adult woman than getting a pony is to a seven-year-old (or whatever) girl. I call bullshit. Did you not see how jealous Annemarie was? You can't buy that kind of reaction.
I almost feel like Lexus runs these ads every year just to piss me off. Are there really more than a few hundred people in the entire world who actually make purchases like this? Especially in the current economic situation? Why, what could be more perfect than a $40,000 car, just for me! You saw the big bow, right? We'd better run right out and get one. Very financially sound.
Yeah! Fuck you, pony!
So, if I get this right, Lexus is claiming that getting a car is more exciting/meaningful to an adult woman than getting a pony is to a seven-year-old (or whatever) girl. I call bullshit. Did you not see how jealous Annemarie was? You can't buy that kind of reaction.
I almost feel like Lexus runs these ads every year just to piss me off. Are there really more than a few hundred people in the entire world who actually make purchases like this? Especially in the current economic situation? Why, what could be more perfect than a $40,000 car, just for me! You saw the big bow, right? We'd better run right out and get one. Very financially sound.
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