Out-of-ideas men

If you're anything like us, you probably watched the Super Bowl this year trying to figure out which of the awful ads were the responsibility of our favorite whipping boys, Crispin Porter + Bogusky. Amazingly, according to the Ad Age listing of the game's ads, the only CP+B offering on the entire broadcast was the Best Buy ad with all the designers. It was a fairly bland ad (though the Alec Baldwin joke drew my only chuckle of the entire broadcast) and it ends awkwardly, but it certainly was the opposite of what we usually associate CP+B with - nonsensical high-concept premises and over-the-top editorializing of the company's products.

This latest Domino's ad, while perhaps not as grating as much of the CP+B fare previously discussed on this blog, settles squarely in the latter camp.



That's right: Domino's is PROUD to have come up with this product.

Domino's CEO Patrick Doyle: "At a big company, new ideas don't usually come from the local store level."

I just want to interrupt for a second here. Do you not totally hate this camerawork? The obsession with handheld is one thing if you're shooting some movie that you want to look like cinéma vérité, but this is a Domino's commercial. I don't need the little zoom on Patrick Doyle's face while he's talking to me (by which I mean someone JUST to the left of the cameraman), thanks.

Doyle: "But a great idea can come from anywhere."

And so can this one!

Brian Edler: "I'm Brian Edler, and I created the new Domino's Parmesan Bread Bites. They're freshly baked pieces of bread with garlic and parmesan."

So... they're breadsticks. Only you chopped them up. Is there any way that the idea didn't come to Brian in something like this fashion: "Hmm... we've got all these bits of dough left at the end of the pizza and breadstick-making processes. We could just throw them away, but that's wasteful. We could refine our process so we don't end up with these extra bits... nah. I know! We'll toss them in the oven, then coat them with oil and cheese when they come out, and call that another side dish! Someone get corporate on the phone, because I am a FUCKING GENIUS."

Bob: "The test kitchens at Domino's haven't come up with this, but the guy in Findlay, Ohio did. That's what's awesome about this."

Is anything awesome about this? I guess it's nice that Domino's is willing to solicit new ideas from the local store level, but who wouldn't do that if it were a sufficiently good idea? It doesn't seem like this really puts Domino's on the absolute vanguard. Especially since this product is fucking stupid.

Lauryn: "You know, I think Brian should be the CEO of Domino's."
Doyle: [laughs for a couple seconds] "...no."

Really nice of them to flatter this guy for his brilliant idea, then take a total shit on him at the end. I mean, obviously there's no way he should be the CEO of Domino's, least of all just for coming up with this shitty product, but was this part really necessary?

Announcer: "Get 16 Parmesan Bread Bites for just a dollar..."

I love how they're asking you to buy what is effectively scraps and acting like it's such a deal that they're only charging a dollar.

Announcer: "Share your ideas at ThinkOven.com."

Whoa. WHOA. Are you serious, Domino's? This is what you're doing now? You're actively going to ask members of the public to just hand over ideas for you to steal? This is ridiculous.

And yes, they are EXTREMELY serious:



I feel really bad for the intern who has to comb through the "Idea Box" submissions looking for the one or two that are even remotely usable. But this whole concept is a joke. I don't know what the "reward" they're handing out for ideas is, but somehow I get the feeling that it's a lot less than what a really good idea might make Domino's in profits, and probably a lot less than what it costs to pay the salary of an R&D guy. This is the most brazen attempt to get the consumer to do a company's job for them since AT+T thought people might be willing to pay for a t-shirt with a stupid mashed-up place name on it, you know, like those retarded commercials they used to have. (Can you imagine being the person who actually bought one of those and now having to explain it to people every time you wear it? I really hope no one was that stupid.)

Asking people what they like and don't like about your company and its products is one thing. That's obviously the way Domino's decided their old pizza was crap and changed the recipe, and then made a whole series of ads making a big deal about how they did that. But saying, "You know, we're kind of out of ideas over here at Domino's... do you think you could maybe... tell us what we should do? Please?" That's really just kind of sad.

Fake-us group

I've been waiting for someone to explain to me how this commercial could possibly be real. Maybe one of you has an idea?



Woman: "Domino's doesn't want me to know what's in their ingredients."
Man: "'Cause it's probably not real cheese."

I find this a weird complaint, in the setup. On what grounds is she claiming that Domino's doesn't want her to know what's in their ingredients? Did she call her local Domino's once to ask for a list and they told her to fuck off?

Focus Group Leader: "Well, I've got a surprise for you."
[the walls pull away to reveal that they're in the middle of a field]
Woman 2: "Oh my God!"
Leader: "This is just one of the dairies that makes the milk to make real Domino's cheese."

Okay. So, it claims at the bottom of the screen that this was an "actual focus group." I just have one question.

WHAT?????????

I guess there are some subsidiary questions within that one. How could these people possibly have failed to realize that they were in a tiny shack sitting on the grounds of a dairy farm? How did Domino's get them there without this being in any way revealed? Blanchardville, Wisconsin is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Either these people were from the area - in which case it is particularly incredible that they would not have realized they were on a dairy farm - or they were like bussed in from Madison, the nearest city of any real size, and also should probably have found something at least a little off about a major corporation holding a focus group in the middle of farm country.

But let's say, for the hell of it, that this focus group was going on without any of the participants realizing where they were... why were they out there in the first place? How did Domino's know that the legitimacy of their cheese was going to be called into question in this focus group? Was one of the people speaking a plant? This goes back to that initial comment by the woman that Domino's doesn't want her to know what the ingredients are. What? Where did she come up with that? It's almost like that's something she was... I don't know, told to say?

Lest Domino's get any ideas about some ad where I'm watching TV calling their focus group fake, and then they have all the members of the focus group walk into my living room and introduce themselves to prove they're real people, I'm not necessarily saying that this ad was faked. But I am saying, for sure, that if you wanted to make an ad that looked fake, that was supposedly real but was so insanely convenient that it had the whiff of contrivance all over it... well, you couldn't do much better than this.

Better pizza, bigger annoyance

I'm sure you've seen the ads that Domino's has been running recently, in which they show focus groups talking about how shitty their pizza is, and then they go back to those same people and go, "Hey, we fixed it! Do you love us now?" And those people are like, "Yeah, this pizza is now totally great!" Although at least some of them basically admitted that they might not have been so critical had they known Domino's was actually going to look at the video, and so maybe they're just saying it's great because they're ON FUCKING TELEVISION THIS TIME but whatever. Maybe it's great now. (If you haven't seen the ads, they were mostly chopped down out of this big fucker.)

I'm just saying: if you've just run an ad campaign talking about how your pizza was super terrible to the point that you had to completely fix the recipe, I'm not sure I'd make this my next move.



Domino's Chef: "For years, Papa John's has been telling us they have 'Better ingredients, better pizza. But when challenged in this court, they stated their slogan is 'puffery.'"

Yeah, uh, question for the pizza chef. Are you telling me that Domino's actually took Papa John's to motherfucking court over the wording of their slogan? Because that seems like some kind of ridiculous bullshit.

Chef: "What's puffery? Scott, you're a lawyer."
Scott: "Puffery: 'An exaggerated statement based on opinion. Not fact.'"
Chef: [shrugs dramatically]

Look, if you want to be all serious about this, it's very easy to argue that "better" is ill-defined and that Papa John's is not necessarily claiming to be literally better - whatever that would entail - than other pizza chains. But also, during the "years" when Papa John's was claiming this, Domino's pizza was apparently complete shit. You guys just ran ads telling us how your pizza used to be awful, and apparently you only fixed it in December. Are you mad because Papa John's didn't change their slogan immediately after you changed your recipe? Because it doesn't seem like there's any real impetus on them to do that. Unless you took them to court over it like total douchebags. (And if you didn't really take them to court and you're just saying that to make a more "interesting" commercial... well, that's just puffery, my friends.)

Chef: "Here's what's not puffery. Our new hand-tossed sausage, extra cheese and pepperoni pizzas just beat Papa John's in a national taste test."

Okay, good for you, but again, I'm assuming this just happened since your new pizza is still, you know, new. So what were you criticizing them for? This is like if after Barack Obama was inaugurated, he made some speech that was like, "For years we've heard George Bush give speeches like he was the president. But I just checked and it turns out I'm the president right now! George Bush should stop calling himself the president." And then everyone would have been like, "Wow, we just elected the dumbest man alive." Honestly, Domino's, do you just have no concept of time passing? Is your ad agency run by dogs? What is happening here?"

Chef: "Our pizzas taste better and that's not puffery. That's proven."

I mean, I guess. You'll forgive me if I don't necessarily take a bunch of nobodies' opinions on the taste of pizza as some sort of gospel truth. Also, see everything I already wrote, you stupid asshole. Does Domino's really think that behaving like some nitpicky douchebags is going to win them any friends? Do they think that people take advertising slogans so seriously that this was in any way needed? Are there people who would actually be like, "I don't know, Domino's, you say this new pizza of yours is good, but I just saw a Papa John's ad and they specifically said, 'Better pizza.' So, whatever, that clearly must be true." Because if there are, I'm really afraid.

I'll take "Tortured Premises" for $200, Alex

This ad doesn't seriously offend me or anything, but it just strikes me as yet one more example of how little most ad writers think about what they're writing.



You can see the basic idea of the ad there - "Guy who works at sub shop prefers Domino's oven-baked subs to his own employer's product" - and you can also see where it totally went off the rails. There's humor, and then there's this, where in taking the easiest possible path to the "joke" the writer(s) conveniently ignored that the path makes no sense.

Why did this guy order the sandwich to be sent to the sub shop at which he works? Why did he order it during business hours? Why did he give his real name? Why did he talk so loudly about it in front of his co-workers, making it thoroughly clear that he did in fact order it? "Why would I order a DOMINO'S OVEN-BAKED SANDWICH?" He even looks back into the shop as he says it! This makes no sense at all. No one would ever do this. The only reason to do something so incredibly nonsensical in your ad is if it's hilariously awesome. This is not hilariously awesome. This is what happens when your script for the ad is so lame that the director of the spot doesn't know to tell his lead actor that his delivery is totally off-base. Either that or Domino's wants you to think that only complete morons who are incapable of even the most basic subterfuge like their product.

Here is a better premise, which it took me ten seconds to think of: the Submart guy gets caught at Domino's by his manager and claims to be "scoping out the competition." Or, you know, anything else that might come close to happening in real life. I guess maybe that's not as side-splittingly hilarious a punchline as "Poor guy was lost!", though. Right? I mean, that's such a hilarious joke that we had to absolutely torture our basic premise just to get to it, right?

Unrelated note: Why are "Mike & Mike" doing the voice-over at the end? What the hell is the point of that?