Fake-us group

I've been waiting for someone to explain to me how this commercial could possibly be real. Maybe one of you has an idea?



Woman: "Domino's doesn't want me to know what's in their ingredients."
Man: "'Cause it's probably not real cheese."

I find this a weird complaint, in the setup. On what grounds is she claiming that Domino's doesn't want her to know what's in their ingredients? Did she call her local Domino's once to ask for a list and they told her to fuck off?

Focus Group Leader: "Well, I've got a surprise for you."
[the walls pull away to reveal that they're in the middle of a field]
Woman 2: "Oh my God!"
Leader: "This is just one of the dairies that makes the milk to make real Domino's cheese."

Okay. So, it claims at the bottom of the screen that this was an "actual focus group." I just have one question.

WHAT?????????

I guess there are some subsidiary questions within that one. How could these people possibly have failed to realize that they were in a tiny shack sitting on the grounds of a dairy farm? How did Domino's get them there without this being in any way revealed? Blanchardville, Wisconsin is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Either these people were from the area - in which case it is particularly incredible that they would not have realized they were on a dairy farm - or they were like bussed in from Madison, the nearest city of any real size, and also should probably have found something at least a little off about a major corporation holding a focus group in the middle of farm country.

But let's say, for the hell of it, that this focus group was going on without any of the participants realizing where they were... why were they out there in the first place? How did Domino's know that the legitimacy of their cheese was going to be called into question in this focus group? Was one of the people speaking a plant? This goes back to that initial comment by the woman that Domino's doesn't want her to know what the ingredients are. What? Where did she come up with that? It's almost like that's something she was... I don't know, told to say?

Lest Domino's get any ideas about some ad where I'm watching TV calling their focus group fake, and then they have all the members of the focus group walk into my living room and introduce themselves to prove they're real people, I'm not necessarily saying that this ad was faked. But I am saying, for sure, that if you wanted to make an ad that looked fake, that was supposedly real but was so insanely convenient that it had the whiff of contrivance all over it... well, you couldn't do much better than this.

Keep dusting it off

It's fitting that this spot talks about antiques, given that AT&T has now dragged out the same joke so many times that they've forgotten to use it in a context that even makes sense.



What? Look, I get the joke here - "ha ha, these minutes are so old!" - but it was never more than mildly amusing to begin with, and now it's just tiresome. In addition, the garage sale context is nonsense, because you can't sell your old minutes to other people. That isn't how phones work. I don't think AT&T is trying to suggest that you can... but would it have been difficult to make another ad that used a premise that, you know, works? I guess they couldn't have gotten away with showing the kid wiping his ass with the old minutes, but I'm pretty sure there are other possibilities.

Negative bonus points for a cringe-inducing reference to the current economic climate in terms so generic that AT&T will no doubt pull this one out of the archives for each of the next five recessions. Maybe their next ad can cover every last base for the next century:

Mom: Junior, what are you doing?
Kid: Aw, Mom, I'm just getting rid of these old credits for my personal communication device!
Mom: Don't you dare, Mister - we exchanged something for those old credits and with AT&T, we can continue to use them on our communication devices even now!

Delightfully non-specific. And then you can always just edit in a final scene that refers to whichever alien civilization is invading at the time.

The American Dream Pasta

The folks at Ronzoni have come up with a new 90-second instant pasta, and they want you to buy it. So they've cobbled together a commercial that combines the element of hilarious overstatement with the fun of inane non-sequitur. Take it away, Ronzoni:



Man: New Ronzoni Bistro.

Woman: Yeah! Delicious pasta meals in 90 seconds.

Man: (in awe) Bistro pasta in 90 seconds...

Why is this man shocked? He apparently knew what the product was, and that it was new, before he even asked. This is the most easily amazed man in the world.

Man: Whoa, will my other dream come true? (shot of him on the White House lawn)

So, wait -- you had two dreams: one was to become President of the United States. And the other was for someone to create 90-second instant pasta from a bag? Are you sure there wasn't a third dream -- to one day eat a bag lunch in an office breakroom by yourself?

Secret Service Agent: He's not the President! (Man is tackled)

Even in this man's Presidential fantasy -- one of only two dreams he's ever had -- he fails. Someone get this man an imagination!

Also, what does this have to do with selling pasta?

Voiceover: At least you can have your dream lunch.

Thankfully, most humans aren't like the aspiration-less man in this commercial. And that means that our dream lunch isn't instant pasta from a dry bag. I guess when I think about my dream lunch, I picture something hot and fresh, and not a bag of dehydrated crap I picked off the grocery store shelf for 99 cents a week before.

So, remember everybody: Ronzoni Bistro Pasta -- it's the dream lunch -- for people who are dead inside. 90 seconds to personal failure!

So stupid people may think BK thinks you're stupid

Is there any point in going after Burger King commercials any more? It's pretty clear that the 2% of the television audience BK is speaking to seems to like what they do.  On the other hand, it's really painful for the rest of us to have to sit through it all. So in the spirit of attacking things that aren't targeted towards me, why don't we check out one more Burger King ad:


Guy #1: The Steakhouse from Burger King? What'd you do to deserve a burger this special?

Why does anyone need to do something to eat a BK burger, aside from, I suppose, pay for it? Isn't this kind of an absurd concept for a company with the slogan "Have It Your Way"? Isn't the whole BK spirit "We'll get you whatever you want"? I fail to see how "you need to be awesome to eat our burgers" fits in with the brand.

Scientist #1 (dramatically smug): I just discovered a moon orbiting Regulus 279 in the Crab Nebula. It may support life.

So you need to discover a moon to earn that burger. Got it.

Also, don't think for a second that the copywriters at Crispin Porter + Bogusky did even an iota of research before writing this ad. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about when it comes to astronomy (btw, that site's super nerdy, but I think one of the issues is that a moon wouldn't be ordering a star like Regulus, or it'd be called a planet. Also, I'm not so sure Regulus 279 even exists.)

Guy #1: And you? 

Scientist #2: I helped.

If such a "moon" could ever be found, I think it would be a big enough deal that the #2 guy finding it would be deserving of a fast food burger as well.

Guy #1: You helped. You either discover a star or you don't. You arrogant punk.

Were you even listening to the commercial you're filming, Guy #1? He said it was a fucking moon, not a star, you ass-tard. I mean, this commercial is just so pock-marked with stupidity, you have to wonder how something like this even sees the air? Can't you just see some asshole copywriter jotting the dialogue down on the margin of a crossword puzzle and then handing it over like "There you go! There's your new commercial!" And then when somebody dares to suggest a slight rewrite to, you know, make the spot make sense, the copywriter would get all pissy and refuse to alter a single word.

Announcer: The new Steakhouse.... so special, people may think you think you're special.

I've written before about how simplicity is paramount when you're trying to convey a message in under 30 seconds to a ADD audience watching loud, colorful TV shows, so I won't bother to repeat myself. Suffice it to say, when you have to decode a slogan to this degree, I think it may be time to consider an alternate option. I had a couple ideas:

"The new Steakhouse: So special people may not care how bad your commercials are."

"The new Steakhouse: So special you might get some really special heart disease from eating it."

"The new Steakhouse: Do you get the sense we're using 'special' as a euphemism for 'retarded'?"

"The new Steakhouse: Oh my God that looks disgusting... and what the hell are those, like little French fries you're putting on top? Wow that's nasty."