"Raisin Bran Crunch? I hate Raisin Bran Crunch!"

I've said it before and I'll say it again - is the intelligent pitch for a product one in which two of your three spokespeople hate one aspect of the product and the third is a moron?



Obnoxious Loser #1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well designed!"

That'll get 'em running out to the stores, I'm sure. "Did you see that latest RBC ad?" (I understand that this is what all the kids call Raisin Bran Crunch.) "Yeah, man, I'm down with that design too! Let's score a couple boxes!"

OL1: "I mean, it totally communicates the raisin."
OL2: "It's designed to protect the granola clusters and the flakes. [shakes box] Hear that crunchy conga?"

I've already talked about this series of ads using language that no one in human history has ever used, nor would ever use. "Hear that crunchy conga?" isn't quite as appalling as "That's the money right there," but come on.

OL1: "Hmm, maybe you haven't heard it - 'two scoops of crun-'... no. Two scoops of raisins."

And, once again, the idea of these guys fighting over the good part of Raisin Bran Crunch just makes me sad. You are promoting a cereal that contains raisins and bran crunch. You're not a 20-year-old Miller Lite ad, which means there is no excuse for this "Tastes Great/Less Filling" style of debate. Especially since your guys aren't even arguing over the best thing about it, but more like the only good thing. Note how Obnoxious Loser #2 implies that the raisins - the first word in the cereal's name! - are little more than glorified packing peanuts. Now I'm ready for some fucking breakfast.

OL2: "The only reason the raisins are in there is like, to be little tiny shock absorbers for the flakes."

Did I say "implies" just now? Never mind. He actually just says it. Get me a bowl and some milk, Ma, and pour me a heapin' helping of Styrofoam Crisp!

OL3 [out of nowhere, as usual]: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!" [flashes idiotic goofy smile]

Raisin Bran Crunch is, in fact, fortified with 25% of your vitamin B12 requirement per serving. And now, I will send 500 bucks to anyone reading this blog who knows off the top of their head what benefits vitamin B12 provides, aside from serving as the setup to unfunny, non-sequitur puns.

That last line seems like it came out of the blue, but it served an important purpose in the commercial before the script was rewritten - namely, to help defuse the overwhelming tension between Obnoxious Losers 1 and 2 in the original script, which was a lot more vicious than in the finished, aired version.

OL1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well-designed!"
OL2: "Yeah, because the word 'Crunch' is in the biggest letters."
OL1: "Excuse me?"
OL2: "You heard me, you raisin-loving queer. We all know this cereal would be a thousand times better if it contained only flakes and granola clusters."
OL1: "I hate to break it to you, asshole, but raisins are the foundation of this cereal. And every time I bite into a granola cluster? It feels like a bird just shit right into my open mouth."
OL2: "I'd sooner be forced at gunpoint to drink a gallon of my own urine than eat one more fucking raisin!!!"
OL1: "EVERY TIME MY TONGUE TOUCHES A BRAN FLAKE IT FEELS LIKE SATAN HIMSELF IS DRIVING A CACTUS INTO MY EYE SOCKET WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!!"
[OL2 lunges at OL1 and they begin to roll on the ground punching each other]
OL3: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!"