Making bad ads isn't exactly rocket science

Last September I mentioned a Honda Civic ad that I hated and wanted to write about but was unable to find on YouTube. Well, guess what I just found.



Come on.

Applicant: "Mr. Stratton, thank you."
Stratton: "We'll be in touch."
[Applicant leaves]
Stratton: "Seems bright."
Tom: "I don't know, Hank."

What is with the crazy low-angle shots here? Did I need to be able to see all the way up that guy's nose? Was Verne Troyer the cameraman?

Stratton: "Tom?"
Tom: "I think we just found our next rocket scientist."

They looked out the window and saw that the applicant dude drives a Honda Civic. And that pushed him over the top! As if this makes any sense at all. "Sure, your qualifications are impeccable... but I don't know, is that a Ford Taurus you're driving? I'm sorry, I think we need more of a Honda Civic man for this job." Alternately, what if this guy isn't even qualified to be a rocket scientist? "Well, we reviewed your application, and it says that your only previous work with rockets was 'shooting off some bottle rockets on Fourth of July 1997.' So I'm afraid that... wait a second, is that a Honda fucking Civic?"

Announcer: "It can take you farther than you think."

See, I could write the whole thing off as a joke - a really awful, stupid joke, but a joke - if they didn't have this line in there. They are serious! They are legitimately claiming that if your potential boss appreciates your taste in cars, you will get hired. And why?

Announcer: "The best value of any car in its class for the past 23 years."

Okay, first of all, out of context that really doesn't mean much. Second of all, does an appreciation of value make you a better rocket scientist? Wouldn't this make at least a little more sense if he was being hired as an economist or something? Oh, but "economist" isn't a profession that is widely used as shorthand for "genius-level intelligence," so we can't go with that. We need everyone to understand that buying a Honda Civic is proof that you are so smart that you can design spacecraft. And if you don't buy a Honda Civic? Well, I think Arby's is hiring for the night shift, jerkoff. The irony of the whole thing is that "rocket scientist" is probably a pretty high-paying job - what are even the odds that this guy would still be driving a Civic within five years?

Fantasy meets reality

Sure, Honda will break the bank on animatronic characters for their ads, but they'll only pay some hack five bucks to crap out a script:



First of all, is no one surprised there's an enormous troll in the middle of the road? Secondly, check out these Q's and A's from the spot:

Troll: Hey, how many people you got in there?
Dad: 8.

Most of them children, not full-grown people. Slightly misleading characterization of the roominess of the SUV?

Troll: Whoa, is that a DVD player?
Girl: Maybe.

Trolls -- notorious for their enthusiasm for high-tech gadgetry. This is well-documented in The Silmarillion.

Troll: Do I smell cookies?
Mom: Hit the gas, that's three.

That's a grand total of one out of three questions actually answered. Why were they allowed to pass? Honda Pilot drivers are cheaters!

Announcer: Beloved by humans, envied by trolls.

Either this is a stupid, cutesy piece of copy, or it's a pretty personal insult to every non-Honda Pilot owner. I am not envious of anyone who paid $32,045 and up for an SUV that costs them $4 to drive 25 miles.

So, quick recap of what Honda wants you, the consumer, to know about their Pilot product: seats 8, envied by hideous fictional characters, may or may not have kids in it who eat cookies. Lease one today!