Drink up!

Well, this is just incredibly disgusting.



"Mentos Gum! Women will come right up to you and drink all the saliva out of your mouth!"

Is it even possible to sell gum or candy anymore without being creepy or disgusting? I'm starting to think not.

Fuck like it's 1969

I hate to be dramatic, but -- we've hit the bottom, folks. As a nation, we've scratched the bottom of the barrel of advertising, broken through to the dirt underneath, clawed through layers of clay and bedrock, and kept digging until we hit the molten core. And now here we are -- writhing and screeching in the darkest, most heinous circle of marketing hell. And do you want to know what it looks like? Behold this AMP energy drink commercial:

(This is the full, uncut version. The :30 spot basically takes the most egregious parts of this one and condenses them.)



That's right. It's a paean to the one-night stand. A celebration of casual sex -- and not the sex itself, mind you, but the hungover part afterward that nobody likes.

When you wake up in the morning in an unfamiliar place. / And you can't remember where or when, let alone her face.

So here's the deal -- I'm not going to moralize here. Some people have no problem with casual sex, while others are pretty adamant about saving physical intimacy for a serious/safe relationship (or even marriage.) Two sides to the issue. Fine. But do we need to be so cavalier in our presentation of casual sex? Do we need to show half-naked people in beds talking about not remembering who they fucked the night before on national television? I mean, last time I checked this was America, and we tend to get pretty easily offended by crap that makes it onto TV -- and isn't this pretty goddam objectionable based on our track record?

You cannot find your shoe and your hair smells like a bar

God, that sounds horrible. That would suck, losing a shoe. And who enjoys smelling like a bar? Hey, weren't we trying to sell a drink here? Is this making people thirsty?

Side note: a lot of these actors are pretty f'ugly. And they can't sing worth shit. In my book, that makes this ad not "funny 'cause it's true" but, rather, "hard to watch."

But you kinda feel excited 'cause you got really far

Searching for a rhyme here, eh? Anyway, this guy's going back to his frat house, and, according to this song, the conversation is going to go something like this:

Roommate: Dude, where were you last night?

Shirtless Guy: Heh, long night. Got really far with this chick.

Roommate: Whoa, nice work. Was she hot?

Shirtless Guy: No idea, can't remember.

Roommate: Hmm, what's that smell?

Shirtless Guy: Oh, that's stale bar smoke. Probably got in my hair.

Roommate: Where's your shoe?

Shirtless Guy: Couldn't find it.

Roommate: Sounds like you had a fucking rockin' night, man! High five!

Shirtless Guy: (passes out)

Last night I was sure that I was with a "10" / Then this morning when I saw those cankles, I had to think again / Oh, I will not be ashamed

Man, you have to be shitnammered to think you're sleeping with some hot girl when, in fact, she has cankles. I don't care how many AMPs you slug, you are on a walk of shame. Additional shame points to AMP for trying to be hip by using the word "cankles."

Oh, how I'll push through the day / In my tiny ruffled miniskirt / and some guy's extra large t-shirt

You could change, you know, at some point in the day. You could, like, go home and change out of your slut suit if it's bothering you. Oh, that's right - this is the walk of no shame. You'll wear obviously-slept-in clothes around and be proud of it! Well, I'm convinced.

Also -- I like how, apparently, the entire world is doing a walk of shame. Every single person, save the AMP street vendor, has just had a one-night stand. And not a one of them experiences any remorse, dammit!

Oh, we will not be ashamed

Unlikely.

I'm feeling like a greasy mess (holds up AMP can)

Excellent time to show the product here, after "greasy mess."

I try to learn my lesson time and time again / Tomorrow when the clock strikes two, I'm back in love again

Uh-huh. "Love," you say? That is, of course, what this commercial is about. That nasty, sickened feeling you have when you wake up after a night of falling in love.

So, to sum up the message of this commercial: "Do you fuck anything that moves? Awesome. That's a good, healthy thing. You sound like an AMP drinker. Hey, isn't it hilarious when you can't remember what the girl/guy looks like that you drunkenly boned? Hah, that's the best. It'd be even funnier if you contracted an STD or something or got pregnant. But, do you know what helps with that? AMP. Takes the worries and guilt away. Drink it, and keep on sleeping around!"

We learn nothing about the actual AMP product in this commercial, by the way. Or how it somehow helps your feeling of shame go away after faceless intercourse. Basically all we learn is that the lifestyle of the AMP drinker is that of unchecked, dionysian lust.

And then there's this Facebook app that encourages you to write in with your own "walk of no shame story." Okay, if you think this commercial is actually funny, then I encourage you to do this. Please submit your stories. It will be so funny when employers are searching for you on Facebook and see this story -- I'll be right here watching you not get jobs. Or when your future girl/boyfriends are checking you out and see your stories. That will be some excellent schadenfreude. So if you really find this campaign "hilarious" or "lol" or "lololololol" or " i LOVE this. LOVE LOVE LOVE! HAHA ok" (actual YouTube comment), then spare me the comments on this post and just go directly to Facebook and share your story. Share that with the world, folks! What could possibly go wrong?

So, where do we go from here.... What will companies endorse next? Coke parties? Binge and purge weight control? The five finger discount? Murder?!?!? Oh, I can barely wait to see what they'll come up with next!

Twin Geeks

Remember the Doublemint Twins, who were featured in ads for Wrigley's Doublemint gum? It made sense - it was a double mint, and they had a double mascot. Instant success, entrenched in advertising lore, made millions. The new "twin brothers" campaign from minor QSR player Boston Market? Well, I don't think it's getting its own Wikipedia page anytime soon:



Anthony: Hey, my name's Anthony, this is my twin brother James.

Maybe fraternal twins? These guys don't look that much alike to me.

Anthony: Can I borrow 27 bucks? (gives camera pointless indignant expression aimed at brother)

Whoa! What at Boston Market could possibly cost $27?! A foie gras turkey sandwich? Truffled stuffing with cranberry caviar preserves? 27 pieces of roasted chicken? Nothing?

James: Why do you need $27 bucks?

Well, as you know, James, this is a commercial for Boston Market, so I'd assume it has something to do with buying food.

Anthony: Boston Market's got that new Tuscan Herb Rotisserie Chicken. I'm starving.

Here we are, loyal consumers mid-way through our journey of discovery in this commercial, and we currently believe that Boston Market is offering an chicken item that costs $27. Good work, BM brain trust.

James: The Tuscan Chicken is only $6.99

Ohhhhh. So it's actually 1/4 the price he just said. Slightly confusing considering this is a 30-second info dump, no?

James: ... why do you need 27 bucks?

Anthony: To pay you pack the twenty bucks I owe you.

James: How does that make any sense?

This little tete-a-tete makes for high comedy. But that is a great question, let's check out the payoff.

Anthony: I dunno, for some reason it makes sense to me.

(tumbleweed rolls by TV screen, crickets chirp, a hawk screeches in the distance) Let's hope they weren't reading off a script, because if they were, how was that script allowed to be acted out? Wasn't someone like, "Wait a second, is there supposed to be a joke in here somewhere?"

The next part of this ad is the only useful part. It's 5 seconds of an announcer describing the entree and talking about the price and limited availability. Boston Market could have made a five second-long commercial that would have been more effective that this 30-second bore-fest.

Anthony: Thank you very much (takes cash out of brother's open wallet.)

Ahh, moochers! Makes me hungry for chicken.

Want to see more witty banter between two boring white guys? You're in luck, because this is a for real campaign, folks (note: don't watch those other ads, unless you really want to see "James" in slightly different colored ties.) I mean, Boston Market specializes in the most boring food possible: roasted chicken. With like homestyle sides and stuff. It's the kind of food you get when you miss your mom's cooking but you live on your own and don't yet know how to cook. It couldn't get much more vanilla. So, Boston Market decided to sell their already-boring food via even-more-boring commercials?

Boston Market Board Room Meeting:

Boston Market R&D Executive: Okay, so the new product we're developing is pretty crazy, it's called Rotisserie Chicken.

Boston Market CMO: Awesome. But I thought we already served that.

R&D Guy: This one's got an herb on it.

CMO (begins to sweat): Whoa. Sounds pretty spicy!

CEO: You know it. Okay, so how do we sell this baby?

CMO: How about we have a commercial where these two people are talking on stools against a white background?

CEO: Well, what kind of people?

CMO: A white guy. And his identical white twin.

CEO: What are they doing, telling jokes and stuff?

CMO: No, it'll just be like regular conversation. But stupider.

CEO: Good. I like that we're not taking risks. What else?

CMO: Then we show the food -- a big close-up shot of white meat chicken.

R&D Guy: We should tell them how much it costs.

CMO: Good call. First we'll tell them it costs four times as much as it does, then we'll reveal how cheap it actually is. Then we cut back to the two white guys. And they'll just be staring at the camera, basically. Sound good?

CEO: Hello, increased market share!!

Boston Market ads neither double my pleasure nor my fun.

Mo' tacos, mo' problems

Someone please explain to me how this sells burritos.



Back Seat Douche: "You ready?"
Front Seat Douche: "Yeah."

They sound oddly nervous. Although if I were about to humiliate myself utterly, I might be a bit nervous too. This is like the conversation two high school seniors have before yanking off their robes and streaking the graduation stage.

PA Girl: "Can I take your order, please?"

Please note, for the record, that she does not give her name.

Front Seat Douche: "Give me the beat!"
Back Seat Douche: [starts beatboxing like a dipshit]
Front Seat Douche: "Yo - what's up Stephanie, how you doin' today / 89 cents, it's what we're gonna pay / Say hello to Bobby, he's in the back seat - "
Back Seat Douche: "Steph, gimme something big - "
Together: "With a bunch of beef!"

I would love to know why this was necessary. Do you think they're supposed to know the drive-thru clerk and they're playing a joke on her? It would certainly explain how they know her name in spite of the fact that she never says it. Either that or they just made it up to fit their rhyme scheme.

Front Seat Douche: "89 cent Cheesy Double Beef Burrito / Why pay more, that's big and cheap, yo!"

First of all, that barely rhymes. Second of all, I can't be the only one who's utterly sick of ads that pretend to be viral when they're really just shilling exactly the same as any other ads. Taco Bell would love to have you believe that a couple dudes just pulled up outside one of their drive-thrus and busted out this paean to the Cheesy Double Beef Burrito. "Why pay more, indeed, young man?" you'll muse to yourself, making a run for the nearest border forthwith.

Of course, here's the irony - this isn't exactly "thinking outside the bun" on Taco Bell's part. In fact, it's thinking pretty much directly inside the bun, since there have been amateur fast-food video raps all over YouTube for well over a year now. There's one for McDonald's (which appears to be the original), there's one for Wendy's, and - surprise! - there's even one for Taco Bell. Now, these all make me want to die and I can't say I recommend clicking on any of those links, but if you did you would notice that the latest upload date on those three is April 18, 2007; meanwhile, I only noticed Taco Bell's commercials "borrowing" the concept within the past couple weeks. The upload date on the embedded video above is from late February, but that still puts them more than nine months behind (and it's not like it would take more than a couple hours to shit out a commercial like this).

To be fair, it wouldn't have been any better if Taco Bell had gone the Geico route and just outright used the original video. But given that the concept is so obviously unoriginal - and by this point, pretty dated by internet standards - why did they bother to steal it at all? Is this ad really selling burritos? What about it is pointing anyone towards the Taco Bell? Note that in the videos, the people seem to consider what they're doing to be a prank or similar. So the guys who are, in this spot, the pitchmen for Taco Bell are actually pulling a prank on Taco Bell. Well done.

I guess the ad gets across the message - the Cheesy Double Beef Burrito is 89 cents - except that every time this ad starts I lunge for the mute button, so it's not exactly getting rammed home. Yet more proof for the theory that while making obnoxious ads might make people remember you, it's not necessarily true that there's no such thing as bad publicity.

I'm having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE

Totino's Pizza Rolls: shitty after-school snack, or greatest food product ever invented? We'll let this panel of 12-year-olds be the judge.



Host Kid [whispering]: "You guys hungry? I'll make Totino's Pizza Rolls."
Loud Kid: "I LOVE TOTIN-"
Host Kid [clamping his hand over Loud Kid's mouth]: "But, we have to be quiet."

Let me first just say that I think it's nice they invited the retarded kid to their sleepover. Usually kids with development issues don't have a lot of friends, and I'm glad this group was inclusive, although really the host kid's mom probably forced him to do it. But this commercial shows why kids don't want the retarded kid hanging out with them.

Loud Kid: [takes a bite of roll] "I LOVE TOTINO'S!!!!"
[other kids start talking loudly, for some reason]

It's kind of hilarious how these adolescent boys all take these super-dainty bites of the pizza rolls, in spite of the fact that they're clearly bite-size snacks. Anyway. Obviously this loud kid is not supposed to be retarded. But with that in mind, what's his excuse? It's one thing if the taste of Totino's is so completely heavenly that he just can't stop himself from vocalizing his affection - although I call bullshit - but dude was yelling at the mere mention of the name. Maybe this is just how he reacts to everything.

Teacher: "All right, class, today we're going to learn about fractions."
Kid: "I LOVE FRACTIONS!!!!!"
Teacher: "...uh, all right, Jimmy. Anyway, open your books to page 240..."
Kid: "I LOVE PAGE 240!!!!!"
Teacher: "Settle down, Jimmy."
Kid: "I LOVE SETTLING DOWN!!!!!"
Teacher: "That's it! Report to the principal's office."
Kid: "I LOVE THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!!!!!"

Bully: "Hey, nerd, give me your lunch money."
Kid: "I LOVE LUNCH MONEY!!!!!"
Bully: "Yeah, well that's a shame. Hand it over."
Kid: "I LOVE HANDING IT OVER!!!!!"
Bully: "Good, let's go, before you get your ass kicked."
Kid: "I LOVE GETTING MY ASS KICKED!!!!!"
Bully: "You asked for it!"
Kid: "I LOVE ASKING FO-"
[merciless pummeling]

The other thing I love/hate about this commercial is how the freezer has about 15 boxes of Totino's Pizza Rolls in it and almost nothing else. Does this kid even have parents? Maybe he wants his friends to be quiet not because they might wake his mom but because any raucous partying will surely draw the attention of the cops, and when they find a 12-year-old living in a house by himself, it will lead to a visit from Child Services, foster care, and no more sleepovers or Totino's Pizza Rolls, ever.

They might be sellouts

When I first found out that They Might Be Giants had done the terrible song for the Dunkin' Donuts "Fritalian" ad, I was disappointed. I'm not some huge TMBG fan or anything, but I like some of their stuff, and the song was, to put it bluntly, idiotic. But it's "Stairway to Heaven" compared to their follow-up work for Patriotic Donuts Ltd.



Fun fact: They Might Be Giants only wrote the music for this ad. The words were written by Mrs. Henderson's fourth-grade class. Look, I know they only had about 15 seconds to write for, but why even bother? These aren't even songs, they're just sentences that are sung in the hopes that they'll get stuck in people's heads. I know that's the entire point of advertising, but I always find ads like this annoying. If you're making up your own song to sing in your ads, you need more justification than this, I think. Also: this song blows ass. Do you think They Might Be Giants were even trying? If you told me that every song in this ad campaign had been written in the car on the way to the pitch meeting, I would not be even remotely surprised.

Also, you are not going to convince me that Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee is the go-to pick-me-up for 21-year-old sorority girls, or whatever and however old the women in this ad are supposed to be. You might as well show them eating bowls of Grape Nuts, that delicious breakfast treat beloved by all college kids.

Let's get back to those "songs" for a minute, though. They really are awful. Here are the lyrics for this one:

Last night was very fun
This morning, less so
Whose left shoe is this?
Does anybody know?
Cleaning up after an all-night blowout

Shockingly bad. "Last night was very fun?" I'm not kidding. Fourth-graders. Maybe not even. It kind of sounds like that choppy, stilted writing you see in a six-year-old's journal about going to the circus. "Yesterday was very fun. We went to the circus. I saw clowns and bears. I got to have cotton candy. It was a fun thing to do."

This is hardly the only ad to brutally misuse the talents that I would otherwise have told you They Might Be Giants possess. There's also this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one.

Dear God. This series has evidently been running since 2006, and guess what? It just keeps getting worse. My favorite part is how in each ad the voice-over has to repeat what the song just said, in case you're blind and also have a certain type of brain damage where you can't understand any words if they're sung to a tune. "Wait, what's been going on for the last 20 seconds? Oh, cleaning up after an all-night blowout. Thanks, announcer dude!"

When I think iced coffee, I think 30-something cubicle-dwelling types, though maybe I'm crazy. With that demo in mind, however, I've come up with a few little jingles that I think might make some more sense for this series.

I hate my job so much
Think I'll go smoke a cigarette
And then maybe I'll get an iced coffee
And hide from my boss until five
Killing... time... till the weekend...
"Delicious Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee! Grab one, and kill time till the weekend."

I thought I'd get that promotion
But they gave it to Johnson instead
Time to drown my sorrows in booze
But if I mix it well enough they won't notice
Drinking at work... again
"Secretly drink at work by emptying your flask into a delicious Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee, and forget all about that promotion you didn't get."

My wife's a frigid bitch
My kids are annoying as hell
For a couple hundred bucks I can forget about all that
Nailing a hooker... at the airport motel
"Fuel up with delicious Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee, and really get your money's worth from that prostitute at the airport motel. America runs on Dunkin'."

When the crave hits, you may notice your arm starts tingling

This commercial isn't really all that terrible, though I've never been much of a fan of the implication that anyone besides stoners gets actual "cravings" for White Castle. But I wonder if White Castle really thought about the message they were sending with this one.



"Sack of ten, dude? Thanks for making my job easier!"

Also, if a White Castle burger called you, wouldn't you just hang up? Even in their commercials - a setting, I'd think, in which the product would be made to look as good as possible - those cheeseburgers always look pretty disgusting to me.

"Hello?"
[burger silence]
"Who the fuck is this?"
[burger silence]
"Ew, seriously? Look, three-way in a bottle of Pepto and maybe we can talk."
[burger silence]
"Yeah, I gotta go. I just had a craving not to use a whole roll of toilet paper tonight."

Under no circumstances should you even think about "doing one"

I'm glad that Dairy Queen didn't use their "Do one" tagline for this ad. I can't say that makes it much less horrible, though.



Okay, seriously. How old are those kids - eight? This is appalling. "Don't worry about getting two sundaes, Mom. I'm just going to flirt with that boy over there. Tee hee!" This isn't a damn singles bar. And why is the mom's response just a look that verges problematically between astonishment and being impressed, rather than dragging her daughter out of the place by the ear, which is what should be happening?

Where did that sundae come from, anyway? It shows up in like five seconds! I'm supposed to believe that kid paid for that thing, even though he doesn't seem to ever get up? Does he have a tab? Is he like that skeevy drunk who sits at the end of the bar and sends a cosmopolitan to any halfway attractive girl who glances in his direction? God. The only way this could be worse would be if he sent her a banana split and they showed her eating the banana. "Jeez, Mom, I'm almost nine. I know how to eat a banana."

Now I kind of feel like I'm going to go into a Dairy Queen and Chris Hansen is going to be behind the counter to ask me what I'm doing there. But aside from that awful creepiness, A+, Dairy Queen.

"Raisin Bran Crunch? I hate Raisin Bran Crunch!"

I've said it before and I'll say it again - is the intelligent pitch for a product one in which two of your three spokespeople hate one aspect of the product and the third is a moron?



Obnoxious Loser #1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well designed!"

That'll get 'em running out to the stores, I'm sure. "Did you see that latest RBC ad?" (I understand that this is what all the kids call Raisin Bran Crunch.) "Yeah, man, I'm down with that design too! Let's score a couple boxes!"

OL1: "I mean, it totally communicates the raisin."
OL2: "It's designed to protect the granola clusters and the flakes. [shakes box] Hear that crunchy conga?"

I've already talked about this series of ads using language that no one in human history has ever used, nor would ever use. "Hear that crunchy conga?" isn't quite as appalling as "That's the money right there," but come on.

OL1: "Hmm, maybe you haven't heard it - 'two scoops of crun-'... no. Two scoops of raisins."

And, once again, the idea of these guys fighting over the good part of Raisin Bran Crunch just makes me sad. You are promoting a cereal that contains raisins and bran crunch. You're not a 20-year-old Miller Lite ad, which means there is no excuse for this "Tastes Great/Less Filling" style of debate. Especially since your guys aren't even arguing over the best thing about it, but more like the only good thing. Note how Obnoxious Loser #2 implies that the raisins - the first word in the cereal's name! - are little more than glorified packing peanuts. Now I'm ready for some fucking breakfast.

OL2: "The only reason the raisins are in there is like, to be little tiny shock absorbers for the flakes."

Did I say "implies" just now? Never mind. He actually just says it. Get me a bowl and some milk, Ma, and pour me a heapin' helping of Styrofoam Crisp!

OL3 [out of nowhere, as usual]: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!" [flashes idiotic goofy smile]

Raisin Bran Crunch is, in fact, fortified with 25% of your vitamin B12 requirement per serving. And now, I will send 500 bucks to anyone reading this blog who knows off the top of their head what benefits vitamin B12 provides, aside from serving as the setup to unfunny, non-sequitur puns.

That last line seems like it came out of the blue, but it served an important purpose in the commercial before the script was rewritten - namely, to help defuse the overwhelming tension between Obnoxious Losers 1 and 2 in the original script, which was a lot more vicious than in the finished, aired version.

OL1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well-designed!"
OL2: "Yeah, because the word 'Crunch' is in the biggest letters."
OL1: "Excuse me?"
OL2: "You heard me, you raisin-loving queer. We all know this cereal would be a thousand times better if it contained only flakes and granola clusters."
OL1: "I hate to break it to you, asshole, but raisins are the foundation of this cereal. And every time I bite into a granola cluster? It feels like a bird just shit right into my open mouth."
OL2: "I'd sooner be forced at gunpoint to drink a gallon of my own urine than eat one more fucking raisin!!!"
OL1: "EVERY TIME MY TONGUE TOUCHES A BRAN FLAKE IT FEELS LIKE SATAN HIMSELF IS DRIVING A CACTUS INTO MY EYE SOCKET WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!!"
[OL2 lunges at OL1 and they begin to roll on the ground punching each other]
OL3: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!"

Is that an exploding geyser in your pocket, or are you just happy to be staying at the Westin?

Advertising has some history with phallic imagery. Camel cigarettes, for instance, made a name for themselves with their penile corporate mascot Joe Camel (about whom Norm MacDonald once quipped, "subliminally he was a camel.") But that was back in the day when it was okay to sell smokes to kids, and advertising has since cleaned up its act. Right? Well, not if Westin Hotels has anything to say about it -- check out their latest print ad (this is from The New Yorker):



Pressure
Releasing tension has never been easier with our signature Heavenly® experience.

Uh huh. You show a skyrocketing, frothy white geyser, and we're supposed to think that's "releasing tension"? Please. I mean, was the subliminal ejaculation here intentional, or did it truly not occur to anyone that "Hey, maybe a soaring explosion of white liquid might make people think we're selling rooms for sexual rendez-vous..."

And do these guys really own a trademark on the word "Heavenly"? Those beds better be comfortable beyond all reasonable belief.

Start letting go at Westin.com

Westin seems to go back and forth over whether they want people to think "ejaculation" or "urination" here.

This is how it should feel. Westin Hotels & Resorts.

"This is how it should feel, boys. Staying in one of our rooms is like one voluminous, unending orgasm. Just shooting it non-stop, all-night -- an unfettered, fantastic disgorgement. Come blow your load here at the Westin -- go ahead, anywhere you want. This is how it should feel."

This isn't as bad as Joe Camel shilling tobacco to children, but it sure seems grosser.

Viva Via- oh, sorry

Here's what I took away from this ad: "Viagra may help you have sex, but it can't help you last longer than five seconds."

Ad out of hell

I've got an idea. Let's pitch our product apparently aimed at teenagers by using a parody of a 30-year-old rock song about losing one's virginity.



How long do you think it took Meat Loaf to agree to do this ad? Five seconds? Two seconds? "So, let's see, you'll pay me to appear in the ad, and then I'll also get residuals because you're using a parody of my song? 'Let me sleep on it!!!' Heh, you guys get it? That's a line in the song. I'm just fucking with you, let's make it happen."

I would like to know what Tiffany is doing there. For one thing, she's 24 years younger than Meat Loaf, making her an unlikely candidate to be that kid's mom (although she's 20 years older than the actor, Adam Cagley, which just makes it not really creepy to cast her in that role). For another, why is she there? Okay, they needed a female vocalist, but she has virtually nothing to do in the 30-second version of the spot, which AT&T had to know was the only one that was going to air in any real capacity. Even in the interminable 90-second version that exists online, she basically has one line to sing. You could have paid a session singer to record the line and some extra to mouth it; I'm guessing that would have been cheaper. On the other hand, maybe Tiffany's presence will be used to justify a spinoff ad featuring the parody song "I Want a GoPhone Now."

Here's another question: why is this kid so pissed off? Or, more importantly, why did the writer(s) of this ad make him so pissed off? We've never seen you before, guy. We have no idea how many times you've asked for a GoPhone, nor do we give a shit. Calm down. Really, he just sounds whiny and annoying; this should have been a parody of Caddyshack where Ted Knight growls at him, "You'll get nothing and like it!" (If they can make Fred Astaire dance with a vacuum cleaner, they can drop Ted Knight into this ad rather than exhuming the career of a pop music footnote like Tiffany.)

Finally, the transposition of lyrics in the parody just creeps me out, in particular the kid's promise to love his dad until the end of time - you may recall from the song that this is a promise Meat Loaf makes so that his (presumably virginal) girlfriend will let him fuck her. So yeah, that's totally appropriate. We might need a commercial featuring "I Would Do Anything for a GoPhone (But I Won't Do That)," just to clear things up.