The advertising strategy for Totino's Pizza Rolls is kind of weird, right? They're basically portrayed as a product that kids are totally obsessed with. Yet would such a product need to advertise? And assuming their claims to be true and bearing in mind that I saw the following ad appearing on the evening news just tonight, you kind of wonder why parents would be excited to buy their kids some snack food that isn't especially healthy and on which they have a disturbing fixation.
Who thought this was a good idea?
Girl 1: "There's nothing we love more than listening to our favorite songs!"
Girl 2: [overlapping] "There's nothing we love more than listening to our favorite songs!"
Girl 1: "But our favorite thing is eating Totino's Pizza Rolls!"
Girl 2: "But our favorite thing is eating Totino's Pizza Rolls!"
And then we get one line of the most wimpy-sounding version of "Kids in America" ever, just for good measure.
This commercial is conceptual crib death. The idea never had any chance of not being annoying - I'm guessing if you asked most parents of pre-teens they would tell you that trying to talk to a kid who has music blasting in her headphones is one of the most aggravating experiences on earth. So what does Totino's do? They try to sell you their product by recreating an impossibly obnoxious experience. As if that weren't enough, there's the awful repetition, which only points up the fact that neither of the girls is listening to anything going on around them. I suppose kids could find this funny, but if your target market is middle schoolers then you really need to be selling to their parents. And this ad just seems like parent kryptonite.
In this vein, here are some potential future ad concepts for Totino's:
* Kids in the back seat of a car tell us that they love violating each other's personal space and saying "I'm not touching you!" but that their favorite thing is eating Totino's Pizza Rolls.
* A four-year-old at the mall tells us how he loves to throw himself on the ground and scream if he doesn't get his way, but his favorite thing is eating Totino's Pizza Rolls.
* A 14-year-old girl halfway out her bedroom window tells us how she loves to sneak out late at night to meet her older boyfriend for some third-base action, but her favorite thing is eating Totino's Pizza Rolls.
* Through a telephone handset at the visitor's window, Lyle and Erik Menendez tell us that their favorite thing is eating Totino's Pizza Rolls.
Showing posts with label annoyingly annoying children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoyingly annoying children. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
It's the cost that counts
So you want the most expensive thing in the store and your parents won't buy it for you. Instead, they offer you a lower-cost option that is pretty similar. What does this make them? That's right: inconsiderate assholes.
[Kid admiring undoubtedly expensive electric train set]
Mom: "How about this one? It's almost the same thing."
Kid: [insufferably] "No. It's not."
Fuck this kid, am I right? Your parents aren't obligated to buy you anything, you ungrateful little bastard.
Dad: "This one's great! It's just as good as the one you wanted."
Kid: "No... it's not."
This just makes me feel really bad for the dad. Listen to how he sells that first line. The mom seemed kind of noncommittal - "Eh, this other one seems okay, right?" - but the dad sounds legitimately invested in the quality of the guitar he's holding, and Flock of Seagulls just shits all over him. How much do you suppose that kid even knows about guitars? "Uh, hello, Dad? This guitar looks cooler and is five times more expensive, therefore it's better."
Guy: "That's the one."
Salesman: "Great choice."
Voiceover: "Don't settle for a copy when you can have the original."
If you can afford it, sure. I'm fairly certain that if Seagulls' dad was swimming in cash he'd have been happy to buy his obnoxious son whatever expensive guitar he wanted - so clearly he wasn't, meaning what we have is this douchebag kid griping every year because his middle-class parents can't and/or won't cater to his every whim. Great message, BMW. Hey, did your parents buy you exactly what you wanted for Christmas every year, no matter the price point? They didn't? Well, fuck them - treat yourself with a $40,000 luxury car this Christmas! Can you afford that? Who the fuck cares? You're an adult now and you don't settle for copies, whatever that means. Also, your kids eat cookies and ice cream for dinner and stay up as late as they want, because you're just the kind of guy who follows through on all the whiny shit he said as a ten-year-old when he didn't get his way.
[Kid admiring undoubtedly expensive electric train set]
Mom: "How about this one? It's almost the same thing."
Kid: [insufferably] "No. It's not."
Fuck this kid, am I right? Your parents aren't obligated to buy you anything, you ungrateful little bastard.
Dad: "This one's great! It's just as good as the one you wanted."
Kid: "No... it's not."
This just makes me feel really bad for the dad. Listen to how he sells that first line. The mom seemed kind of noncommittal - "Eh, this other one seems okay, right?" - but the dad sounds legitimately invested in the quality of the guitar he's holding, and Flock of Seagulls just shits all over him. How much do you suppose that kid even knows about guitars? "Uh, hello, Dad? This guitar looks cooler and is five times more expensive, therefore it's better."
Guy: "That's the one."
Salesman: "Great choice."
Voiceover: "Don't settle for a copy when you can have the original."
If you can afford it, sure. I'm fairly certain that if Seagulls' dad was swimming in cash he'd have been happy to buy his obnoxious son whatever expensive guitar he wanted - so clearly he wasn't, meaning what we have is this douchebag kid griping every year because his middle-class parents can't and/or won't cater to his every whim. Great message, BMW. Hey, did your parents buy you exactly what you wanted for Christmas every year, no matter the price point? They didn't? Well, fuck them - treat yourself with a $40,000 luxury car this Christmas! Can you afford that? Who the fuck cares? You're an adult now and you don't settle for copies, whatever that means. Also, your kids eat cookies and ice cream for dinner and stay up as late as they want, because you're just the kind of guy who follows through on all the whiny shit he said as a ten-year-old when he didn't get his way.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Gray's anathema
Move over, SalesGenie "Puppies" ad. I think we may have a new winner for "Most Revoltingly Manipulative Ad Involving Children."
It's a slight departure from Just for Men's usual pitch, which tends to be much more blatantly "Get rid of that gray hair if you want to get laid, Grandpa." But I'm not sure it's a good departure.
Older Daughter [shoving the younger daughter forward]: "Let's go."
Man, take some responsibility. You know she's pushing the younger kid forward just in case Dad hates what they're about to say. "Dad, you need to dye your hair." "WHAT???" "It was Kaitlyn's idea! And she says you should punish her by giving me her allowance!"
Older Daughter: "Dad?"
Dad: "Hm?"
Older Daughter: "It's time."
So far this could be about anything. Old Yeller needs to be put down?
Younger Daughter [with the most nauseatingly cute line reading in history]: "You'd be a really nice catch for somebody!"
"Anybody. Seriously. We don't care who, as long as they can cook. I've eaten Hot Pockets every night for the last two years and it's gotta stop."
I love the shocked/horrified look the dad gives as he lowers the paper. It's like he thinks they're here to drag him off to Carousel or something. Which, in a way, they sort of are.
Daughters [producing a package of Just for Men]: "Pleeeeease?"
God, the music in this ad. Is this a Just for Men commercial or an episode of The Waltons?
Announcer: "Just for Men takes five easy minutes, targets only the gray hair, and can start... something great."
Just for the record, I don't think I believe that it "targets only the gray hair." How the hell would it know? Just for Men doesn't contain tiny gnomes with paint brushes... or does it? (No.)
Dad [taking picture of himself with woman]: "For my girls."
"Hey, uh, no pressure, lady, but they're expecting a new mommy. Be prepared for a full and intense scrutiny of your looks, demeanor, and overall parenting skills until they leave for college."
Daughters [upon seeing photo]: "Yes!!" [high five]
Um, did he leave those kids home alone? The older one can't be older than, what, 10 or 11? Was she really left in charge? No wonder this guy needs a woman so badly; he clearly has the worst parental decision-making skills in history. "Okay, girls, while I'm off on my date you be good. Lindsey, there's some chicken in the fridge; I wrote down how to operate the fryer. Remember, if a grease fire starts, you can't pour water on it, okay? Love you!"
Older Daughter: "I'm glad we did it!"
The "Yes!" and high-five weren't enough of a tip-off, apparently. Is this commercial even aimed at men, or is it aimed at nosy little girls looking for hair dye products for Dad? "I'm glad we did it - and you could be glad too, other nine-year-olds! If your dad's getting laid, he'll probably buy you more toys! I mean, I'm a little girl and apparently I have a cell phone!"
Announcer: "Just for Men." [tagline: "Stay in the game."]
For the record, the guy they used in this ad didn't exactly seem to have the grayest hair in the world. But either way, I've always hated the way the Just for Men ads imply that gray hair is somehow appalling and repulsive. There's another one of these ads out now where a guy is forced to dye his hair to get a better job so he can spend more time with his kid - also incredibly manipulative - and most of them focus on how women are going to reject any guy with gray hair. Which is why it kills me that they're now advertising "Just for Men Touch of Gray," the ad for which shows guys with gray hair doing all the things that every other Just for Men ad would tell you can't be done by guys with gray hair. Make up your fucking mind, Just for Men. Is gray hair so pathetic and embarrassing that your daughters have to shame you into getting rid of it so you can get a date, or is it cool and hip and watch me on this surfboard? Say... you wouldn't be crassly pandering to both sides of the issue, would you?
I do have one good thing to say about these new Just for Men ads, though: at least Keith Hernandez and Walt "Clyde" Frazier are nowhere near them.
It's a slight departure from Just for Men's usual pitch, which tends to be much more blatantly "Get rid of that gray hair if you want to get laid, Grandpa." But I'm not sure it's a good departure.
Older Daughter [shoving the younger daughter forward]: "Let's go."
Man, take some responsibility. You know she's pushing the younger kid forward just in case Dad hates what they're about to say. "Dad, you need to dye your hair." "WHAT???" "It was Kaitlyn's idea! And she says you should punish her by giving me her allowance!"
Older Daughter: "Dad?"
Dad: "Hm?"
Older Daughter: "It's time."
So far this could be about anything. Old Yeller needs to be put down?
Younger Daughter [with the most nauseatingly cute line reading in history]: "You'd be a really nice catch for somebody!"
"Anybody. Seriously. We don't care who, as long as they can cook. I've eaten Hot Pockets every night for the last two years and it's gotta stop."
I love the shocked/horrified look the dad gives as he lowers the paper. It's like he thinks they're here to drag him off to Carousel or something. Which, in a way, they sort of are.
Daughters [producing a package of Just for Men]: "Pleeeeease?"
God, the music in this ad. Is this a Just for Men commercial or an episode of The Waltons?
Announcer: "Just for Men takes five easy minutes, targets only the gray hair, and can start... something great."
Just for the record, I don't think I believe that it "targets only the gray hair." How the hell would it know? Just for Men doesn't contain tiny gnomes with paint brushes... or does it? (No.)
Dad [taking picture of himself with woman]: "For my girls."
"Hey, uh, no pressure, lady, but they're expecting a new mommy. Be prepared for a full and intense scrutiny of your looks, demeanor, and overall parenting skills until they leave for college."
Daughters [upon seeing photo]: "Yes!!" [high five]
Um, did he leave those kids home alone? The older one can't be older than, what, 10 or 11? Was she really left in charge? No wonder this guy needs a woman so badly; he clearly has the worst parental decision-making skills in history. "Okay, girls, while I'm off on my date you be good. Lindsey, there's some chicken in the fridge; I wrote down how to operate the fryer. Remember, if a grease fire starts, you can't pour water on it, okay? Love you!"
Older Daughter: "I'm glad we did it!"
The "Yes!" and high-five weren't enough of a tip-off, apparently. Is this commercial even aimed at men, or is it aimed at nosy little girls looking for hair dye products for Dad? "I'm glad we did it - and you could be glad too, other nine-year-olds! If your dad's getting laid, he'll probably buy you more toys! I mean, I'm a little girl and apparently I have a cell phone!"
Announcer: "Just for Men." [tagline: "Stay in the game."]
For the record, the guy they used in this ad didn't exactly seem to have the grayest hair in the world. But either way, I've always hated the way the Just for Men ads imply that gray hair is somehow appalling and repulsive. There's another one of these ads out now where a guy is forced to dye his hair to get a better job so he can spend more time with his kid - also incredibly manipulative - and most of them focus on how women are going to reject any guy with gray hair. Which is why it kills me that they're now advertising "Just for Men Touch of Gray," the ad for which shows guys with gray hair doing all the things that every other Just for Men ad would tell you can't be done by guys with gray hair. Make up your fucking mind, Just for Men. Is gray hair so pathetic and embarrassing that your daughters have to shame you into getting rid of it so you can get a date, or is it cool and hip and watch me on this surfboard? Say... you wouldn't be crassly pandering to both sides of the issue, would you?
I do have one good thing to say about these new Just for Men ads, though: at least Keith Hernandez and Walt "Clyde" Frazier are nowhere near them.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I'm having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE
Totino's Pizza Rolls: shitty after-school snack, or greatest food product ever invented? We'll let this panel of 12-year-olds be the judge.
Host Kid [whispering]: "You guys hungry? I'll make Totino's Pizza Rolls."
Loud Kid: "I LOVE TOTIN-"
Host Kid [clamping his hand over Loud Kid's mouth]: "But, we have to be quiet."
Let me first just say that I think it's nice they invited the retarded kid to their sleepover. Usually kids with development issues don't have a lot of friends, and I'm glad this group was inclusive, although really the host kid's mom probably forced him to do it. But this commercial shows why kids don't want the retarded kid hanging out with them.
Loud Kid: [takes a bite of roll] "I LOVE TOTINO'S!!!!"
[other kids start talking loudly, for some reason]
It's kind of hilarious how these adolescent boys all take these super-dainty bites of the pizza rolls, in spite of the fact that they're clearly bite-size snacks. Anyway. Obviously this loud kid is not supposed to be retarded. But with that in mind, what's his excuse? It's one thing if the taste of Totino's is so completely heavenly that he just can't stop himself from vocalizing his affection - although I call bullshit - but dude was yelling at the mere mention of the name. Maybe this is just how he reacts to everything.
Teacher: "All right, class, today we're going to learn about fractions."
Kid: "I LOVE FRACTIONS!!!!!"
Teacher: "...uh, all right, Jimmy. Anyway, open your books to page 240..."
Kid: "I LOVE PAGE 240!!!!!"
Teacher: "Settle down, Jimmy."
Kid: "I LOVE SETTLING DOWN!!!!!"
Teacher: "That's it! Report to the principal's office."
Kid: "I LOVE THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!!!!!"
Bully: "Hey, nerd, give me your lunch money."
Kid: "I LOVE LUNCH MONEY!!!!!"
Bully: "Yeah, well that's a shame. Hand it over."
Kid: "I LOVE HANDING IT OVER!!!!!"
Bully: "Good, let's go, before you get your ass kicked."
Kid: "I LOVE GETTING MY ASS KICKED!!!!!"
Bully: "You asked for it!"
Kid: "I LOVE ASKING FO-"
[merciless pummeling]
The other thing I love/hate about this commercial is how the freezer has about 15 boxes of Totino's Pizza Rolls in it and almost nothing else. Does this kid even have parents? Maybe he wants his friends to be quiet not because they might wake his mom but because any raucous partying will surely draw the attention of the cops, and when they find a 12-year-old living in a house by himself, it will lead to a visit from Child Services, foster care, and no more sleepovers or Totino's Pizza Rolls, ever.
Host Kid [whispering]: "You guys hungry? I'll make Totino's Pizza Rolls."
Loud Kid: "I LOVE TOTIN-"
Host Kid [clamping his hand over Loud Kid's mouth]: "But, we have to be quiet."
Let me first just say that I think it's nice they invited the retarded kid to their sleepover. Usually kids with development issues don't have a lot of friends, and I'm glad this group was inclusive, although really the host kid's mom probably forced him to do it. But this commercial shows why kids don't want the retarded kid hanging out with them.
Loud Kid: [takes a bite of roll] "I LOVE TOTINO'S!!!!"
[other kids start talking loudly, for some reason]
It's kind of hilarious how these adolescent boys all take these super-dainty bites of the pizza rolls, in spite of the fact that they're clearly bite-size snacks. Anyway. Obviously this loud kid is not supposed to be retarded. But with that in mind, what's his excuse? It's one thing if the taste of Totino's is so completely heavenly that he just can't stop himself from vocalizing his affection - although I call bullshit - but dude was yelling at the mere mention of the name. Maybe this is just how he reacts to everything.
Teacher: "All right, class, today we're going to learn about fractions."
Kid: "I LOVE FRACTIONS!!!!!"
Teacher: "...uh, all right, Jimmy. Anyway, open your books to page 240..."
Kid: "I LOVE PAGE 240!!!!!"
Teacher: "Settle down, Jimmy."
Kid: "I LOVE SETTLING DOWN!!!!!"
Teacher: "That's it! Report to the principal's office."
Kid: "I LOVE THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!!!!!"
Bully: "Hey, nerd, give me your lunch money."
Kid: "I LOVE LUNCH MONEY!!!!!"
Bully: "Yeah, well that's a shame. Hand it over."
Kid: "I LOVE HANDING IT OVER!!!!!"
Bully: "Good, let's go, before you get your ass kicked."
Kid: "I LOVE GETTING MY ASS KICKED!!!!!"
Bully: "You asked for it!"
Kid: "I LOVE ASKING FO-"
[merciless pummeling]
The other thing I love/hate about this commercial is how the freezer has about 15 boxes of Totino's Pizza Rolls in it and almost nothing else. Does this kid even have parents? Maybe he wants his friends to be quiet not because they might wake his mom but because any raucous partying will surely draw the attention of the cops, and when they find a 12-year-old living in a house by himself, it will lead to a visit from Child Services, foster care, and no more sleepovers or Totino's Pizza Rolls, ever.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Fantasy meets reality
Sure, Honda will break the bank on animatronic characters for their ads, but they'll only pay some hack five bucks to crap out a script:
First of all, is no one surprised there's an enormous troll in the middle of the road? Secondly, check out these Q's and A's from the spot:
Troll: Hey, how many people you got in there?
Dad: 8.
Most of them children, not full-grown people. Slightly misleading characterization of the roominess of the SUV?
Troll: Whoa, is that a DVD player?
Girl: Maybe.
Trolls -- notorious for their enthusiasm for high-tech gadgetry. This is well-documented in The Silmarillion.
Troll: Do I smell cookies?
Mom: Hit the gas, that's three.
That's a grand total of one out of three questions actually answered. Why were they allowed to pass? Honda Pilot drivers are cheaters!
Announcer: Beloved by humans, envied by trolls.
Either this is a stupid, cutesy piece of copy, or it's a pretty personal insult to every non-Honda Pilot owner. I am not envious of anyone who paid $32,045 and up for an SUV that costs them $4 to drive 25 miles.
So, quick recap of what Honda wants you, the consumer, to know about their Pilot product: seats 8, envied by hideous fictional characters, may or may not have kids in it who eat cookies. Lease one today!
First of all, is no one surprised there's an enormous troll in the middle of the road? Secondly, check out these Q's and A's from the spot:
Troll: Hey, how many people you got in there?
Dad: 8.
Most of them children, not full-grown people. Slightly misleading characterization of the roominess of the SUV?
Troll: Whoa, is that a DVD player?
Girl: Maybe.
Trolls -- notorious for their enthusiasm for high-tech gadgetry. This is well-documented in The Silmarillion.
Troll: Do I smell cookies?
Mom: Hit the gas, that's three.
That's a grand total of one out of three questions actually answered. Why were they allowed to pass? Honda Pilot drivers are cheaters!
Announcer: Beloved by humans, envied by trolls.
Either this is a stupid, cutesy piece of copy, or it's a pretty personal insult to every non-Honda Pilot owner. I am not envious of anyone who paid $32,045 and up for an SUV that costs them $4 to drive 25 miles.
So, quick recap of what Honda wants you, the consumer, to know about their Pilot product: seats 8, envied by hideous fictional characters, may or may not have kids in it who eat cookies. Lease one today!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
How incredibly distinguishing
First of all, I would want to smack that kid if he was taking up the entire soda fountain in front of me with this shit. Second of all, how is that going to be good? He appears to be mixing literally everything at the fountain together. Does that really classify as a "concoction" or something that deserves the title of "master"? Oh boy, Diet Coke, Fanta Orange and Hi-C! That'll go great with pizza. Did his brother double-dog dare him or something?
Third of all, what does this have to do with the product CiCi's is selling? I'll give you a hint: nothing. The description of CiCi's key selling point - a very inexpensive all-you-can-eat pizza, pasta, salad and dessert buffet - is saved for the last five seconds of the ad, while the first ten are spent bragging about a feature possessed by every fast food restaurant in existence. "Unlimited fountain soda? It's like some kind of beautiful dream!"
Unrelated to the quality of the ad: does anyone else think that the low cost for the product being offered suggests that the food pretty much sucks? Either way, thanks for making it even easier for the average American to eat 3500 calories in one sitting, CiCi's. You're doing God's work out there.
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