Friday, May 30, 2008

Fuck like it's 1969

I hate to be dramatic, but -- we've hit the bottom, folks. As a nation, we've scratched the bottom of the barrel of advertising, broken through to the dirt underneath, clawed through layers of clay and bedrock, and kept digging until we hit the molten core. And now here we are -- writhing and screeching in the darkest, most heinous circle of marketing hell. And do you want to know what it looks like? Behold this AMP energy drink commercial:

(This is the full, uncut version. The :30 spot basically takes the most egregious parts of this one and condenses them.)

That's right. It's a paean to the one-night stand. A celebration of casual sex -- and not the sex itself, mind you, but the hungover part afterward that nobody likes.

When you wake up in the morning in an unfamiliar place. / And you can't remember where or when, let alone her face.

So here's the deal -- I'm not going to moralize here. Some people have no problem with casual sex, while others are pretty adamant about saving physical intimacy for a serious/safe relationship (or even marriage.) Two sides to the issue. Fine. But do we need to be so cavalier in our presentation of casual sex? Do we need to show half-naked people in beds talking about not remembering who they fucked the night before on national television? I mean, last time I checked this was America, and we tend to get pretty easily offended by crap that makes it onto TV -- and isn't this pretty goddam objectionable based on our track record?

You cannot find your shoe and your hair smells like a bar

God, that sounds horrible. That would suck, losing a shoe. And who enjoys smelling like a bar? Hey, weren't we trying to sell a drink here? Is this making people thirsty?

Side note: a lot of these actors are pretty f'ugly. And they can't sing worth shit. In my book, that makes this ad not "funny 'cause it's true" but, rather, "hard to watch."

But you kinda feel excited 'cause you got really far

Searching for a rhyme here, eh? Anyway, this guy's going back to his frat house, and, according to this song, the conversation is going to go something like this:

Roommate: Dude, where were you last night?

Shirtless Guy: Heh, long night. Got really far with this chick.

Roommate: Whoa, nice work. Was she hot?

Shirtless Guy: No idea, can't remember.

Roommate: Hmm, what's that smell?

Shirtless Guy: Oh, that's stale bar smoke. Probably got in my hair.

Roommate: Where's your shoe?

Shirtless Guy: Couldn't find it.

Roommate: Sounds like you had a fucking rockin' night, man! High five!

Shirtless Guy: (passes out)

Last night I was sure that I was with a "10" / Then this morning when I saw those cankles, I had to think again / Oh, I will not be ashamed

Man, you have to be shitnammered to think you're sleeping with some hot girl when, in fact, she has cankles. I don't care how many AMPs you slug, you are on a walk of shame. Additional shame points to AMP for trying to be hip by using the word "cankles."

Oh, how I'll push through the day / In my tiny ruffled miniskirt / and some guy's extra large t-shirt

You could change, you know, at some point in the day. You could, like, go home and change out of your slut suit if it's bothering you. Oh, that's right - this is the walk of no shame. You'll wear obviously-slept-in clothes around and be proud of it! Well, I'm convinced.

Also -- I like how, apparently, the entire world is doing a walk of shame. Every single person, save the AMP street vendor, has just had a one-night stand. And not a one of them experiences any remorse, dammit!

Oh, we will not be ashamed


I'm feeling like a greasy mess (holds up AMP can)

Excellent time to show the product here, after "greasy mess."

I try to learn my lesson time and time again / Tomorrow when the clock strikes two, I'm back in love again

Uh-huh. "Love," you say? That is, of course, what this commercial is about. That nasty, sickened feeling you have when you wake up after a night of falling in love.

So, to sum up the message of this commercial: "Do you fuck anything that moves? Awesome. That's a good, healthy thing. You sound like an AMP drinker. Hey, isn't it hilarious when you can't remember what the girl/guy looks like that you drunkenly boned? Hah, that's the best. It'd be even funnier if you contracted an STD or something or got pregnant. But, do you know what helps with that? AMP. Takes the worries and guilt away. Drink it, and keep on sleeping around!"

We learn nothing about the actual AMP product in this commercial, by the way. Or how it somehow helps your feeling of shame go away after faceless intercourse. Basically all we learn is that the lifestyle of the AMP drinker is that of unchecked, dionysian lust.

And then there's this Facebook app that encourages you to write in with your own "walk of no shame story." Okay, if you think this commercial is actually funny, then I encourage you to do this. Please submit your stories. It will be so funny when employers are searching for you on Facebook and see this story -- I'll be right here watching you not get jobs. Or when your future girl/boyfriends are checking you out and see your stories. That will be some excellent schadenfreude. So if you really find this campaign "hilarious" or "lol" or "lololololol" or " i LOVE this. LOVE LOVE LOVE! HAHA ok" (actual YouTube comment), then spare me the comments on this post and just go directly to Facebook and share your story. Share that with the world, folks! What could possibly go wrong?

So, where do we go from here.... What will companies endorse next? Coke parties? Binge and purge weight control? The five finger discount? Murder?!?!? Oh, I can barely wait to see what they'll come up with next!


Quivering P. Landmass said...

Just in case anyone thinks that this is all in good fun and it's just AMP being funny and nobody takes commercials at face value anymore, please read this REAL YouTube comment:

"Omg i remember these nights i always hate the yersterday clothes and smell of sex still on you it sucks and you feel dirty lmao ugh But now when they happened i will have no shame lmao and be proud of my messy self lmao"


Windier E. Megatons said...

When you go out in the evening to an unfamiliar place / And you're looking for a stranger you can punch right in the face / Drag into an alley by his hair and push him down / And start to feel excited as you watch him on the ground / That night you felt that you became a man / Laughing as the blood sprayed up and you sipped from the can

Oh, I will kill a guy / Don't need a reason why / In this alley behind a bar / I'm not looking to just leave scars

Oh, we will kill some guys / I'm feeling like causing death

*product placement!*

I kill a guy as often as I can / And to the police department I say, catch me if you can

"AMP. The drink for the thrill-killer in all of us."

Dana said...

Dude... seriously... Sometimes I think that maybe I should get a TV antenna and watch stuff, until I visit this site and remember why we don't have an antenna. I don't even want to read the YouTube comments. It'll just make me and baby Jesus cry.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I'm simple and can enjoy humor.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

Just want to clarify: I object to this ad not necessarily because of casual sex, but because I think it's a terrible ad. These are my main points:

A) It's poorly executed (painful to watch, as I talked about)

B) It's pandering: "We're a huge corporation (it's owned by Pepsico, by the way), but we understand how much you college kids love getting drunk and fucking!" Come on.

C) Casual sex is depicted and celebrated when the product itself, AMP, has no relation to sex. This would qualify as "shock value" included for "humor's" sake.

D) You can't just show tons of sex and not caveat it with at least SOME form of responsibility. I mean, how about a line about a condom or something? If you really don't have any shame, then you were probably having safe sex. This commercial doesn't even hint at that.

That's all.

Anonymous said...

Casual sex is better than no sex at all. In fact, it's better than marital sex too. Actually, I can't think of anything better than casual sex.

Anonymous said...

Uh ... you think casual sex is on the same level as beating the shit out of someone?!?
Dude, you have issues.
America is the most stuck-up place on the face of the planet when it comes to sex. Gunplay in prime time? Check. Car chases and gratuitous violence? Check. Drug deals and cop beatings? Check. Show a nipple during the Super-Bowl? Hold on just a darn-tootin' minute!!
Get over the whole sex thing, USA. You're really fucking things up for the rest of us. ... You really need to get laid.
It's called satire.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

Dude, shut up. I didn't conflate casual sex with "beating the shit out of someone." I was jokingly asking what other moronic ways companies were going to appeal to undereducated young people.

If you have issues with how this country views sex, take it somewhere else. We don't care. My criticism of this ad is based on the 4 things I listed above.

Man, random people sure seem touchy and defensive about casual sex! I really can't tell you how much I don't care, so please no more comments about this. Comments about ads are, of course, welcome. Thanks in advance.

Anonymous said...

Ah, you were joking (well "windier e. megatons" was - nice handle). Sorta like those dudes who made the commercial were joking? ...

I don't have to take it somewhere else. You Americans are the most fucked up nation on the planet when it comes to attitudes about sex. Guess the truth hurts. Quit whining about it.

Seems like YOU'RE the one touchy and defensive about casual sex. Like most Americans.

You want to put up a blog and try to be funny, then elicit comments - and then complain about it?!


Quivering P. Landmass said...

This AMP commercial isn't ironic. They were dead serious about appealing to people by showing sex. If you can't understand this, then you're not getting the point of the ad. It's not "satire" -- okay?

The rest of your points are have fuck all to do with ad criticism, so I'm ignoring them, since all we do here is ad criticism.

Guess what? We're done with comments on this post. Good night!