SLIM JIM: IT'S (not) DISGUSTING!

Many, many years ago, back in the deep time of this blog, my old compatriot Quivering P. Landmass wrote a post about a dumbass Beck's commercial where they talk about how their beer doesn't have helium. Quivering referenced an old saying from David Ogilvy about avoiding the use of negatives in ads. Slim Jim apparently hasn't heard this saying.



(That's two 15-second ads, of which we're only dealing with the first, though the second is, I assure you, nearly as idiotic.)

Think about this commercial for a second. I'm not going to go through it with a stopwatch, but given that it's only fifteen seconds long I'd say it spends CLOSE TO as much time on the horrifying male guts as it does on the attractive female midriffs. And that is an ENORMOUS problem. In another post from way back when, we discussed the most nauseating ads we've ever seen on TV. The embedded Starburst ad has gone missing, but don't worry: it's right here. (Note: do not watch that.) I really can't think of a worse thing to include in your ad than something intended to gross out the audience. Are you hoping I change the channel before I have a chance to get your product name drilled into my head?

The issue with the Slim Jim ad in particular is this: aside from the packaging, Slim Jims look EXACTLY THE SAME as whatever other meat stick serves as their competition. And since they don't name that competition in the ad, the only name you're getting from the ad - the ad in which meat sticks are seen being directly correlated with images we are INTENDED to find disgusting - is Slim Jim. Good work, fellas! You've successfully ensured that whenever I see Slim Jims, I will think of this ad, which uses half its allotted time showing me images of bloated male torsos that I am SUPPOSED to be grossed out by. And I definitely will not think of a "tummy party" with two attractive women, because no one in their right mind could possibly believe that Slim Jim will do anything to get them laid.

Honestly. I never liked the "Eat me" Slim Jim ads either - the one at that link, which suggests that eating a Slim Jim will cause you to drown, is particularly moronic - but they're masterpieces of the craft next to this pile of shit.

Go home, Klondike, you're embarrassing yourself.

Remember Klondike's iconic jingle? "What would you doooo for a Klondike bar?"



The commercials were silly, but I get the message: Klondike bars are delicious. There's no need to sell this product any harder- chocolate and vanilla ice cream? That's a combination that never fails, unlike the combination of Klondike Bars and desperation. This includes a round-the-clock broadcast of Michael Ian Black harassing potential Klondike Bar customers who are walking, talking examples of "don't be this guy."

Do you want this guy to be your "bro"?



Klondike's grand plan to rebrand itself also includes a repulsive old-school type video game entitled "The Adventures of Khaki Pants Pete" on their "ironic" website. Jezebel rescues you from having to play the actual game by showing you screencaps here. As the embodiment of a Klondike Bar aficionado, Pete avoids his wife, shirks childcare responsibilities, hits on the babysitter, heads to a porn shop, dreams of his glory days as the frattiest gadabout in town, and then hits a bachelor party that involves interactive pudding wrestling. Oh, I'm sorry, "pudding freakin' wrestling."

Klondike, you are not beer. You're not an extreme sports drink. You're not hot wings. You're not beef jerky, jello shooters, corn chips, or Axe Body Spray. What you are is a nostalgic, cold, delicious treat for all kinds of people- men and women, children and grandparents. Why in the hell are you trying so hard to cut yourself off from a universal demographic?

Drink up!

Well, this is just incredibly disgusting.



"Mentos Gum! Women will come right up to you and drink all the saliva out of your mouth!"

Is it even possible to sell gum or candy anymore without being creepy or disgusting? I'm starting to think not.

Under no circumstances should you even think about "doing one"

I'm glad that Dairy Queen didn't use their "Do one" tagline for this ad. I can't say that makes it much less horrible, though.



Okay, seriously. How old are those kids - eight? This is appalling. "Don't worry about getting two sundaes, Mom. I'm just going to flirt with that boy over there. Tee hee!" This isn't a damn singles bar. And why is the mom's response just a look that verges problematically between astonishment and being impressed, rather than dragging her daughter out of the place by the ear, which is what should be happening?

Where did that sundae come from, anyway? It shows up in like five seconds! I'm supposed to believe that kid paid for that thing, even though he doesn't seem to ever get up? Does he have a tab? Is he like that skeevy drunk who sits at the end of the bar and sends a cosmopolitan to any halfway attractive girl who glances in his direction? God. The only way this could be worse would be if he sent her a banana split and they showed her eating the banana. "Jeez, Mom, I'm almost nine. I know how to eat a banana."

Now I kind of feel like I'm going to go into a Dairy Queen and Chris Hansen is going to be behind the counter to ask me what I'm doing there. But aside from that awful creepiness, A+, Dairy Queen.

First you think of an idea that has already been done, then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like

You know what I like a lot? Cheese. I really, really enjoy cheese. Swiss, cheddar, parmesan, provolone... cheese is pretty awesome.

You know what I don't like? This presentation of it:



First of all, "Melt With You" was used in a Burger King commercial, like, ten years ago. Am I saying that it can never be used in another ad again? Well, the fact that I remember the BK ad means it was probably fairly memorable (although, granted, I co-write this blog so I probably remember ads longer than most people). So yes. Yes, I am saying that.

More importantly, is it me or is this commercial really kind of disgusting? I just can't see those people stretching that cheese to hideous lengths without thinking of some sort of mucus is being pulled out of their mouths. Honestly, I can't even watch this thing anymore. And what kind of name is "Cheesy Beefy Melt"? Did the CEO's five-year-old daughter come up with that one? "Cheesy" is one thing. "Beefy" is not an adjective I have ever heard applied to food, except in those old Beefaroni commercials that annoyed me even as a kid. "Beefy" is used to describe heavyset guys, not food I'm planning on consuming. This is probably top five worst names for a fast food item ever.

Also, I think the whole "cautionary fine print" craze is going a bit too far when we need a "Professional skateboarders! Do not attempt!" warning for a shot that simply has skateboarders in it. As pointed out in the YouTube comments for the video, what exactly is anyone in that shot doing? Going down a couple steps, and while wearing appropriate safety gear? Oh NO! You would have to be crazy to try a stunt like that! By the way, I didn't even notice there was any skateboarding in that shot until the comments mentioned it. But I appreciate how zealous the Taco Bell lawyers are, inserting that text just in case some kid is watching the backgrounds of commercials looking for unsafe things to attempt. I get the feeling eating a couple Cheesy Beefy Melts is way more problematic for your body than falling off a skateboard while wearing a helmet and kneepads.

Spot the hidden message!

The message of any given deodorant ad is "This product will get you laid." See if you can spot the subtle ways in which Old Spice has chosen to deliver this information:



Woman: "I waited too long to try an Old Spice man."

(Sexually.)

Woman: "The Old Spice man performs great."

(Sexually.)

Woman: "Plus he's really long-lasting."

(Sexually.)

What's with the horse in this ad? The guy appears to be checking it out while the woman is talking. And then there's that uncomfortable neighing at the end. Was Mr. Hands an Old Spice man, too?

You can use sex to sell anything, right? Right?

...Right??

See "Chocolate Sauce" and "Trail."

My first question: That's frigging nasty. Okay, that wasn't really a question. My next question: How come the waffle bowl is a person, and the ice cream is a person, but the chocolate sauce is really chocolate sauce and the whipped cream is really whipped cream? So it's too far to have a threesome, but it's totally okay to eat two things that just had sex with each other. Just so we know we've got our priorities straight.