Saturday, July 7, 2007

Get behind me, donuts

Rachael Ray provides an interesting test for the average male. On the one hand, she's a relatively attractive woman; on the other hand, she's quite clearly Satan.

It's almost physically painful how lame this ad is.

Trainee: "What is that?" [brushes futilely at marks on floor]
Manager: "You'll see."

Oh man, I sense the setup to a hilarious joke. Let's all see together!

[hilariously, the marks are from Rachael Ray's skidding heels as she stops at the counter!]
Manager: "Hey, Rachael. The usual?"
Rachael Ray: "Yep, coffee and a bagel!"

Is it some surprise that Dunkin' Donuts has coffee and bagels? Why did she need to state what "the usual" was for a guy who clearly knows?

[Rachael turns around and sees the trainee]
Rachael Ray: "Hey!"
[close-up shot of a bagel being placed in a bag, in case you still didn't believe they carried bagels at Dunkin' Donuts]
Rachael Ray: "Who's that?"
Manager [in oddly condescending fashion]: "That's the new guy."

If I were the kid, I would probably quit immediately. Ohh, the new guy! The new guy. The new embarrassing guy who clearly has only worked here for 20 minutes since he has no idea about the Rachael Ray skidmarks. What a pathetic loser.

Rachael Ray: "Hey new guy!"

What a sunny, warm woman of the people! Does she have a talk show I could watch?

Announcer: "TV host and author Rachael Ray doesn't stop for much."

Rachael Ray got famous for hosting a cooking show. I don't know how many cooking shows you've watched, but the bulk of them feature the host standing behind a counter, rarely going more than a couple of feet from side to side. TV host Rachael Ray doesn't move for much.

Announcer: "But she always makes time to stop at Dunkin' Donuts!"

Yeah, I'm sure the host of a nationally syndicated talk show spends a lot of time fetching her own coffee and bagels. Heck, just last week I was standing behind Oprah Winfrey at Jamba Juice. (She got a Strawberry Surf Rider, if you must know.)

Rachael Ray: "Delish!"

I hate you. Dropping syllables from words does not make them cute. It's fucking annoying.

Rachael Ray: "Thanks!" [dashes out]
Trainee: "Whoa."

Thanks, Keanu Jr. How is it possible to have the two lines you had and deliver them both like crap?

What was this commercial even selling? I don't believe for a minute that coffee and a bagel need Rachael Ray to sell them, or anyone else for that matter. It's fucking coffee and a bagel. The commercial is as much an ad for Ray as it is for anything; the "new guy" represents people thus far unaware of Ray, who are then supposed to be in awe of her energy. There's as much mention of her accomplishments - as "TV host and author" - as there is of the actual product ("coffee and a bagel!"). Cross-promotion is usually painful (see just about every Transformers-related ad currently airing), but this is especially egregious. I sure hope Dunkin' Donuts got some sweet product placement on Ray's talk show in exchange for this shill job. Like she holds up an iced coffee at the beginning of the show and goes "Yum-o!" and gives her big Joker smile. And then she does three lines of coke right off the kitchen counter, because we all know that it's not coffee that keeps Rachael Ray going.


Windier E. Megatons said...

I'm really hoping that the inclusion of the phrase "Rachael Ray skidmarks" is going to draw a lot of Google traffic from absolute perverts.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

I really enjoy that a cooking show host agreed to appear in ads for a fast food place -- "30 Second Meals."

Tyler said...

I am afraid at the amount of cream cheese that is on that bagel. It looks like an ice cream sandwich.