If you're anything like us, you probably watched the Super Bowl this year trying to figure out which of the awful ads were the responsibility of our favorite whipping boys, Crispin Porter + Bogusky. Amazingly, according to the Ad Age listing of the game's ads, the only CP+B offering on the entire broadcast was the Best Buy ad with all the designers. It was a fairly bland ad (though the Alec Baldwin joke drew my only chuckle of the entire broadcast) and it ends awkwardly, but it certainly was the opposite of what we usually associate CP+B with - nonsensical high-concept premises and over-the-top editorializing of the company's products.
This latest Domino's ad, while perhaps not as grating as much of the CP+B fare previously discussed on this blog, settles squarely in the latter camp.
That's right: Domino's is PROUD to have come up with this product.
Domino's CEO Patrick Doyle: "At a big company, new ideas don't usually come from the local store level."
I just want to interrupt for a second here. Do you not totally hate this camerawork? The obsession with handheld is one thing if you're shooting some movie that you want to look like cinéma vérité, but this is a Domino's commercial. I don't need the little zoom on Patrick Doyle's face while he's talking to me (by which I mean someone JUST to the left of the cameraman), thanks.
Doyle: "But a great idea can come from anywhere."
And so can this one!
Brian Edler: "I'm Brian Edler, and I created the new Domino's Parmesan Bread Bites. They're freshly baked pieces of bread with garlic and parmesan."
So... they're breadsticks. Only you chopped them up. Is there any way that the idea didn't come to Brian in something like this fashion: "Hmm... we've got all these bits of dough left at the end of the pizza and breadstick-making processes. We could just throw them away, but that's wasteful. We could refine our process so we don't end up with these extra bits... nah. I know! We'll toss them in the oven, then coat them with oil and cheese when they come out, and call that another side dish! Someone get corporate on the phone, because I am a FUCKING GENIUS."
Bob: "The test kitchens at Domino's haven't come up with this, but the guy in Findlay, Ohio did. That's what's awesome about this."
Is anything awesome about this? I guess it's nice that Domino's is willing to solicit new ideas from the local store level, but who wouldn't do that if it were a sufficiently good idea? It doesn't seem like this really puts Domino's on the absolute vanguard. Especially since this product is fucking stupid.
Lauryn: "You know, I think Brian should be the CEO of Domino's."
Doyle: [laughs for a couple seconds] "...no."
Really nice of them to flatter this guy for his brilliant idea, then take a total shit on him at the end. I mean, obviously there's no way he should be the CEO of Domino's, least of all just for coming up with this shitty product, but was this part really necessary?
Announcer: "Get 16 Parmesan Bread Bites for just a dollar..."
I love how they're asking you to buy what is effectively scraps and acting like it's such a deal that they're only charging a dollar.
Announcer: "Share your ideas at ThinkOven.com."
Whoa. WHOA. Are you serious, Domino's? This is what you're doing now? You're actively going to ask members of the public to just hand over ideas for you to steal? This is ridiculous.
And yes, they are EXTREMELY serious:
I feel really bad for the intern who has to comb through the "Idea Box" submissions looking for the one or two that are even remotely usable. But this whole concept is a joke. I don't know what the "reward" they're handing out for ideas is, but somehow I get the feeling that it's a lot less than what a really good idea might make Domino's in profits, and probably a lot less than what it costs to pay the salary of an R&D guy. This is the most brazen attempt to get the consumer to do a company's job for them since AT+T thought people might be willing to pay for a t-shirt with a stupid mashed-up place name on it, you know, like those retarded commercials they used to have. (Can you imagine being the person who actually bought one of those and now having to explain it to people every time you wear it? I really hope no one was that stupid.)
Asking people what they like and don't like about your company and its products is one thing. That's obviously the way Domino's decided their old pizza was crap and changed the recipe, and then made a whole series of ads making a big deal about how they did that. But saying, "You know, we're kind of out of ideas over here at Domino's... do you think you could maybe... tell us what we should do? Please?" That's really just kind of sad.
Showing posts with label crispin porter must die. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crispin porter must die. Show all posts
Friday, February 10, 2012
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
There's always room for creepiness
I've talked before about how much I hate it when advertisers of products that are really geared toward children try desperately to pitch them to adults instead. Well, it probably shouldn't surprise anyone to see this, since Jell-O is a Kraft brand.
First of all, dude, you're an adult. Buy a big tub of whatever brand of chocolate pudding strikes your fancy and eat out of it to your heart's content. By no means are you confined to eating from tiny little two-ounce or whatever pudding cups.
Second of all, "pudding face" is goddamn horrifying and I can't believe Jell-O built an entire campaign around it in the hopes that this would move product. I first came into contact with this campaign via their series of horrible billboards which, I assure you, are like 500 times creepier than this ad is.
These things are fucking terrifying. This is apparently supposed to represent happiness? Unrestrained joy? Guess what, Crispin Porter + Bogusky (yeah, I know, who would have believed they'd be behind another terrible ad campaign) - that's not what I think of! The guy on the right looks like a serial killer. The kids on the left look like evil ventriloquist dummies from some creepy B-movie.
But hey, we're here to talk about this TV ad. So I guess we might as well.
Daughter: "Didn't we have some Jell-O pudding?"
I know this is just something commercials do, and I can't expect them not to, but: no one says the complete brand name of a product out loud like this. Ever.
Daughter: "Dad? Did you eat my Jell-O pudding?"
Did you buy it with your own money? When did this go from "hey, we had some of this product in the house, right?" to "IT IS MINE WHO TOUCHED IT?"
Dad [unconvincingly]: "No."
[Daughter walks over and pulls the paper away from his face.]
Daughter: "Pudding face!"
Dad: "No... I'm just... happy."
Mom: "Only pudding gives you pudding face."
Fuck you, Kraft, you editorializing pieces of shit. Your shitty products are not this good. Also, this guy? Does not look happy. He looks absolutely miserable, but with a grotesque forced smile wrought across his face. Jell-O pudding is apparently now a Batman villain.
Dad: "I'm sorry."
Son: "You don't look sorry."
Dad: "You're right, I'm not."
"Maybe because I paid for that fucking pudding. You hear me, grade schoolers? If I want your pudding I'm going to eat it and you're not gonna say shit." Honestly, what is Crispin Porter's obsession with trying to turn adults into the Trix rabbit? If, for some reason, adults want to eat the mediocre pudding you've been pitching to children since time immemorial, and if you're trying to sell it to them for that purpose, why is the pitch here seemingly intended to shame the adult for eating a kids' snack? Do you want me to buy it or not, assholes?
Announcer: "Get your pudding face on with oh-so-cool and irresistible Jell-O pudding."
Uh, Jell-O? You don't really get to take credit for the pudding being "cool." That's the refrigerator's job.
Obviously I don't expect Jell-O to under-pitch their product. But when you go way, way overboard, that's just annoying. Of course, that isn't nearly as big of a problem as is the fact that there is nothing even remotely appealing about "pudding face." It sounds awful. The way this spot treats it as a scarlet letter is bizarrely counterintuitive. And, most damningly, it looks awful. This is, seemingly, a condition to which I should aspire! I should want that horrible, contorted grin that looks more like the result of weeks of Clockwork Orange-style torture than the result of eating something delicious to be plastered across my face. I mean, what, was Crispin Porter so upset that Burger King phased out the King that they decided they were going to get something even creepier on the air? If so, I'm scared to think what kind of ads we're going to see when "pudding face" inevitably runs its course.
First of all, dude, you're an adult. Buy a big tub of whatever brand of chocolate pudding strikes your fancy and eat out of it to your heart's content. By no means are you confined to eating from tiny little two-ounce or whatever pudding cups.
Second of all, "pudding face" is goddamn horrifying and I can't believe Jell-O built an entire campaign around it in the hopes that this would move product. I first came into contact with this campaign via their series of horrible billboards which, I assure you, are like 500 times creepier than this ad is.
These things are fucking terrifying. This is apparently supposed to represent happiness? Unrestrained joy? Guess what, Crispin Porter + Bogusky (yeah, I know, who would have believed they'd be behind another terrible ad campaign) - that's not what I think of! The guy on the right looks like a serial killer. The kids on the left look like evil ventriloquist dummies from some creepy B-movie.
But hey, we're here to talk about this TV ad. So I guess we might as well.
Daughter: "Didn't we have some Jell-O pudding?"
I know this is just something commercials do, and I can't expect them not to, but: no one says the complete brand name of a product out loud like this. Ever.
Daughter: "Dad? Did you eat my Jell-O pudding?"
Did you buy it with your own money? When did this go from "hey, we had some of this product in the house, right?" to "IT IS MINE WHO TOUCHED IT?"
Dad [unconvincingly]: "No."
[Daughter walks over and pulls the paper away from his face.]
Daughter: "Pudding face!"
Dad: "No... I'm just... happy."
Mom: "Only pudding gives you pudding face."
Fuck you, Kraft, you editorializing pieces of shit. Your shitty products are not this good. Also, this guy? Does not look happy. He looks absolutely miserable, but with a grotesque forced smile wrought across his face. Jell-O pudding is apparently now a Batman villain.
Dad: "I'm sorry."
Son: "You don't look sorry."
Dad: "You're right, I'm not."
"Maybe because I paid for that fucking pudding. You hear me, grade schoolers? If I want your pudding I'm going to eat it and you're not gonna say shit." Honestly, what is Crispin Porter's obsession with trying to turn adults into the Trix rabbit? If, for some reason, adults want to eat the mediocre pudding you've been pitching to children since time immemorial, and if you're trying to sell it to them for that purpose, why is the pitch here seemingly intended to shame the adult for eating a kids' snack? Do you want me to buy it or not, assholes?
Announcer: "Get your pudding face on with oh-so-cool and irresistible Jell-O pudding."
Uh, Jell-O? You don't really get to take credit for the pudding being "cool." That's the refrigerator's job.
Obviously I don't expect Jell-O to under-pitch their product. But when you go way, way overboard, that's just annoying. Of course, that isn't nearly as big of a problem as is the fact that there is nothing even remotely appealing about "pudding face." It sounds awful. The way this spot treats it as a scarlet letter is bizarrely counterintuitive. And, most damningly, it looks awful. This is, seemingly, a condition to which I should aspire! I should want that horrible, contorted grin that looks more like the result of weeks of Clockwork Orange-style torture than the result of eating something delicious to be plastered across my face. I mean, what, was Crispin Porter so upset that Burger King phased out the King that they decided they were going to get something even creepier on the air? If so, I'm scared to think what kind of ads we're going to see when "pudding face" inevitably runs its course.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A piece of Kraft
I decided to look into the Crispin Porter + Bogusky oeuvre to see what else they'd done, because in spite of our hate for the Groupon and Best Buy ads, and our historical hate for their Burger King and Microsoft campaigns, surely, surely they must not exclusively produce crap ads, right?
I'm still looking.
You know what I don't love? Ads that take a product traditionally aimed at children and try to pretend that it's something that is or should be beloved by adults. I've never been able to turn up proof of this, but I'm quite sure that sometime in the early to mid-1990s Cookie Crisp started running ads suggesting that adults could also eat it as kind of a snack food. It was ridiculous then, and it's ridiculous now.
If you've ever had real macaroni and cheese - I mean made from scratch - you know that Kraft's equivalent is like mixing baker's chocolate with Splenda and calling it a Belgian truffle. It is not good. And sure, each to his own taste, but it's objectively of lower quality, even if you still like it. There's no way this dad is so obsessed with it that he's just standing there cramming it into his stupid face.
Of course, that ad is more annoying than truly terrible. Don't worry. It gets worse.
I hate nearly everything about this one.
Girl: "So get this. Kraft Mac and Cheese, but it's in a bag."
Everyone was familiar with the fact that it came in a box, right? And cared?
Girl: "And you bake it. In the oven."
Thereby taking away the only real reason to eat Kraft Mac and Cheese in the first place, which is that it takes slightly less time to make than to make real macaroni and cheese from scratch.
Girl: "Whatever happened to Cheeseasaurus Rex? I love that guy!"
WARNING: MASSIVE EDITORIALIZING OF OUR OWN ADS! "Hey, remember our shitty old mascot we just got rid of? He was totally super popular!" I'm surprised CP+B's recent Domino's ads didn't have people demanding the return of the Noid, too. Also, what's this kid, 9? How long has it been since Cheeseasaurus Rex was actually named in the Kraft ads?
Girl: "Well, Kraft Corporation, I'm on to you. Going after the grownups and trying to muscle me out?"
Revealing your marketing strategy in your copy: super edgy.
Girl: "But I'm not going anywhere."
Yeah, Kraft Mac and Cheese is likely to still be more enjoyed by kids than adults. What was the point of this ad?
As the mac and cheese is pulled out of the oven, pay close attention to the fine print, which states: "Optional oven finish." So basically you're trying to make it look classy on TV, but the fact is that most people are not going to bother to do that extra work as though bread crumbs will make you think your grandma made this.
Announcer: "New Kraft Homestyle Macaroni and Cheese. Cheesy noodles topped with golden brown bread crumbs."
So macaroni and cheese. Only not as good.
Announcer: "You know you love it."
I loathe this tagline. Absolutely hate it. Why is this the pitch? Seems to me the idea is that adults secretly love Kraft Mac and Cheese but refuse to admit it because it's supposed to be for kids. As though, being adults, we don't have the option to buy whatever the fuck we want. If I want to buy Kraft Mac and Cheese, I will. But I don't, because it sucks, no matter how many bread crumbs you sprinkle on it. Don't try to tell me what I love and don't love, Kraft, you assholes. I will make my own grocery buying decisions and you will like it. Fuck you.
And here's the latest one.
Is that the same girl? She looks pretty similar. If so, did her mom recently suffer some sort of brain injury that caused her to forget about Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? (Wouldn't that be the life.)
Let's say that it's either a different girl or is supposed to be. How does this ad make sense? If the mom has never purchased Kraft, then the kid has never had it; if the kid has never had it, how does she know to want it? Even if you assume it's because she saw an ad for it, she seems really certain of how good it's going to taste for someone who's never eaten it.
I'm also no fan of the disdain with which this ad treats the mother's cooking. Okay, so Kraft is trying to "eliminate its competition" or whatever, something common enough in the ad world. But this seems questionable at best. "Hey! Parents! You know the food you're cooking and serving to your kids? Yeah, they fucking hate it. Get with the program and start making them pasta from a bag, and maybe when the revolution comes you won't be the first against the wall. Kraft: We Will Destroy You. I mean, You Know You Love It."
Guess what, Kraft. I didn't like it when Pizza Hut took this angle and I don't like it now. You make shitty processed pasta in a bag and/or box. This is no one's idea of a wonder meal (well, maybe this guy's). Unless someone is a particularly bad cook, it probably does not outclass something they made from scratch, and the idea that we should all just stop making real food and settle for pre-packaged crap is obnoxious at best. Or, why not go the other way and just make the tagline that much clearer?
Kraft: You Know You Can't Cook
Kraft: You Know Your Kids Hate You
Kraft: Stop Embarrassing Yourself
Kraft: Fuck You and the Casserole You Rode In On
I'm still looking.
You know what I don't love? Ads that take a product traditionally aimed at children and try to pretend that it's something that is or should be beloved by adults. I've never been able to turn up proof of this, but I'm quite sure that sometime in the early to mid-1990s Cookie Crisp started running ads suggesting that adults could also eat it as kind of a snack food. It was ridiculous then, and it's ridiculous now.
If you've ever had real macaroni and cheese - I mean made from scratch - you know that Kraft's equivalent is like mixing baker's chocolate with Splenda and calling it a Belgian truffle. It is not good. And sure, each to his own taste, but it's objectively of lower quality, even if you still like it. There's no way this dad is so obsessed with it that he's just standing there cramming it into his stupid face.
Of course, that ad is more annoying than truly terrible. Don't worry. It gets worse.
I hate nearly everything about this one.
Girl: "So get this. Kraft Mac and Cheese, but it's in a bag."
Everyone was familiar with the fact that it came in a box, right? And cared?
Girl: "And you bake it. In the oven."
Thereby taking away the only real reason to eat Kraft Mac and Cheese in the first place, which is that it takes slightly less time to make than to make real macaroni and cheese from scratch.
Girl: "Whatever happened to Cheeseasaurus Rex? I love that guy!"
WARNING: MASSIVE EDITORIALIZING OF OUR OWN ADS! "Hey, remember our shitty old mascot we just got rid of? He was totally super popular!" I'm surprised CP+B's recent Domino's ads didn't have people demanding the return of the Noid, too. Also, what's this kid, 9? How long has it been since Cheeseasaurus Rex was actually named in the Kraft ads?
Girl: "Well, Kraft Corporation, I'm on to you. Going after the grownups and trying to muscle me out?"
Revealing your marketing strategy in your copy: super edgy.
Girl: "But I'm not going anywhere."
Yeah, Kraft Mac and Cheese is likely to still be more enjoyed by kids than adults. What was the point of this ad?
As the mac and cheese is pulled out of the oven, pay close attention to the fine print, which states: "Optional oven finish." So basically you're trying to make it look classy on TV, but the fact is that most people are not going to bother to do that extra work as though bread crumbs will make you think your grandma made this.
Announcer: "New Kraft Homestyle Macaroni and Cheese. Cheesy noodles topped with golden brown bread crumbs."
So macaroni and cheese. Only not as good.
Announcer: "You know you love it."
I loathe this tagline. Absolutely hate it. Why is this the pitch? Seems to me the idea is that adults secretly love Kraft Mac and Cheese but refuse to admit it because it's supposed to be for kids. As though, being adults, we don't have the option to buy whatever the fuck we want. If I want to buy Kraft Mac and Cheese, I will. But I don't, because it sucks, no matter how many bread crumbs you sprinkle on it. Don't try to tell me what I love and don't love, Kraft, you assholes. I will make my own grocery buying decisions and you will like it. Fuck you.
And here's the latest one.
Is that the same girl? She looks pretty similar. If so, did her mom recently suffer some sort of brain injury that caused her to forget about Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? (Wouldn't that be the life.)
Let's say that it's either a different girl or is supposed to be. How does this ad make sense? If the mom has never purchased Kraft, then the kid has never had it; if the kid has never had it, how does she know to want it? Even if you assume it's because she saw an ad for it, she seems really certain of how good it's going to taste for someone who's never eaten it.
I'm also no fan of the disdain with which this ad treats the mother's cooking. Okay, so Kraft is trying to "eliminate its competition" or whatever, something common enough in the ad world. But this seems questionable at best. "Hey! Parents! You know the food you're cooking and serving to your kids? Yeah, they fucking hate it. Get with the program and start making them pasta from a bag, and maybe when the revolution comes you won't be the first against the wall. Kraft: We Will Destroy You. I mean, You Know You Love It."
Guess what, Kraft. I didn't like it when Pizza Hut took this angle and I don't like it now. You make shitty processed pasta in a bag and/or box. This is no one's idea of a wonder meal (well, maybe this guy's). Unless someone is a particularly bad cook, it probably does not outclass something they made from scratch, and the idea that we should all just stop making real food and settle for pre-packaged crap is obnoxious at best. Or, why not go the other way and just make the tagline that much clearer?
Kraft: You Know You Can't Cook
Kraft: You Know Your Kids Hate You
Kraft: Stop Embarrassing Yourself
Kraft: Fuck You and the Casserole You Rode In On
Thursday, April 23, 2009
We probably need to discuss this
I assume by now you've already seen this one. Let's talk about it.
Before I'm accused of hating fun again, I should note that this commercial is somewhat funny. The first time or two, anyway; after that it just gets kind of tiresome. But, uh, this is an ad for a kid's meal, right? Someone get Clyde Clemens on the line.
To be fair, most of the song is relatively innocuous considering the source material. And then there's this:
Sir Mix-a-Lot: "Now, Spongebob! I wanna get witcha, 'cause you're makin' me richa!"
The original "Baby Got Back" features Sir Mix-a-Lot rapping about how much an appealingly large ass makes him want to fuck a woman. When he says "Oh, baby, I wanna get witcha," that means he wants to fuck her. Therefore... he wants to fuck Spongebob? This = not good. And then at the end of the ad he declares, "Booty is booty!" Sir Mix-a-Lot, you once said of booty, and I quote, "That butt you got makes me so horny!" I don't even want to know what you're thinking here.
Really, what is with the by now time-honored tradition of taking songs about sex and putting them in really inappropriate contexts? It's not like Sir Mix-a-Lot is famous for anything but this song, and the song is coming up on 20 years old at this point, so Burger King - and no doubt the guys at Crispin Porter, masters of subtlety and class - had to really want to use it. In an ad for a kid's meal. So, what other completely inappropriate songs from my youth can Burger King drag into their next ad?
"Relax, no big deal / When you wanna get a kid's meal / Relax, no big deal / When you wanna sponge"
"Like a kid's meal / Burgers for the very first time / Like a kiiiiid's meal / Got your square pants on my mind"
"I don't want anybody else / When I think of Spongebob I touch myself / Oh oh oh, I don't want anybody else / Kid's meal, kid's meal, kid's meal..."
Before I'm accused of hating fun again, I should note that this commercial is somewhat funny. The first time or two, anyway; after that it just gets kind of tiresome. But, uh, this is an ad for a kid's meal, right? Someone get Clyde Clemens on the line.
To be fair, most of the song is relatively innocuous considering the source material. And then there's this:
Sir Mix-a-Lot: "Now, Spongebob! I wanna get witcha, 'cause you're makin' me richa!"
The original "Baby Got Back" features Sir Mix-a-Lot rapping about how much an appealingly large ass makes him want to fuck a woman. When he says "Oh, baby, I wanna get witcha," that means he wants to fuck her. Therefore... he wants to fuck Spongebob? This = not good. And then at the end of the ad he declares, "Booty is booty!" Sir Mix-a-Lot, you once said of booty, and I quote, "That butt you got makes me so horny!" I don't even want to know what you're thinking here.
Really, what is with the by now time-honored tradition of taking songs about sex and putting them in really inappropriate contexts? It's not like Sir Mix-a-Lot is famous for anything but this song, and the song is coming up on 20 years old at this point, so Burger King - and no doubt the guys at Crispin Porter, masters of subtlety and class - had to really want to use it. In an ad for a kid's meal. So, what other completely inappropriate songs from my youth can Burger King drag into their next ad?
"Relax, no big deal / When you wanna get a kid's meal / Relax, no big deal / When you wanna sponge"
"Like a kid's meal / Burgers for the very first time / Like a kiiiiid's meal / Got your square pants on my mind"
"I don't want anybody else / When I think of Spongebob I touch myself / Oh oh oh, I don't want anybody else / Kid's meal, kid's meal, kid's meal..."
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I once got busy in a Burger King dining room
If you read this blog regularly, you'll know by now that ads by the agency Crispin Porter + Bogusky - specifically their ads for Burger King - have a tendency to get our goat. Why? Well, there's just something about an agency that seems to focus on every unpalatable aspect of television advertising - and seems to refrain from actually selling a product whenever possible - that really gets under our skin. Unsurprisingly, their Whopper Junior ads are not what you would call an exception to this rule.
Yes, that is all the Whopper Junior ads in one go. I had hoped only to write about one in particular, which I saw on TV the other night and which profoundly disgusted me, but I couldn't find it individually and hey, it's not like the other ads in the series were any better. Let's go.
Whopper Dad: "You can't sell yourself for a buck, Junior."
Whopper Jr.: "Why not?"
Whopper Dad: "Because as long as you live in my house, you'll live by my rules, you got it?"
[Mom sighs heavily while the daughter disinterestedly pokes at her cell phone]
Whopper Jr.: "I thought Burger King was the home of the Whopper."
Whopper Dad: "Oh, what is that supposed to mean?"
Whopper Jr.: "All my life you've been off being America's favorite burger, and now you want to come home and be Dad? No!"
Whopper Dad: "You get back here! Get back here!"
Whopper Jr.: "I wish I'd never been broiled!"
Mmmm. Nothing makes me hungrier for a hamburger than, uh, a nice awkward family tiff. (The 15-second version, which airs much more frequently, conveniently edits out almost all of that nonsense.) Also, does it seem odd that the "you are a talking hamburger instead of a person" gene appears to be resident on the Y chromosome? How exactly did this work that a hamburger and a woman had a male hamburger kid and a female human kid? (Ridiculous nitpicking? Maybe. But how hard would it have been to scrounge up two more hamburger costumes?) And shame on this ad for making me think about hamburger sex (although - spoiler alert - it only gets worse from here).
Also, the "America's Favorite Burger" claim dates back to a 1999 survey in which 33% of 700 respondents said the Whopper was their favorite burger. 700 people? Is that enough to proclaim yourself America's Favorite Burger when McDonald's leads in market share? Whatever. Next ad.
Whopper Jr.: "I'm just saying that with me, you always have it your way."
Girl: [giggles]
Whopper Jr.: "'Cause girl, I am made to order."
[Whopper Dad bursts in]
Whopper Jr.: "What the- Dad! Don't you knock?"
Whopper Dad: "What's going on? First you're selling yourself for a buck, and now this?"
Was that girl going to devour him, or have sex with him? And did he sell himself to her for a buck? Whopper Jr.: adding some prostitution to the BK value menu.
Whopper Jr.: "Stop treating me like I'm on the kids menu!"
Whopper Dad: "You get your buns downstairs right now!"
Whopper Jr.: "Eat me."
Oh, the hilarious plays on words that result when you are a hamburger and also kind of a person. Next.
Whopper Dad: "Junior, now that you're selling yourself for a buck, you're going to meet a lot of girls."
For the record, this was the one that I found really, really gross. Also, another allusion to male prostitution here, I'd say.
Whopper Jr.: "What?"
Whopper Dad: "When a Whopper loves a woman, they... boy... mix up their... sauces and stuff..."
Whopper Jr.: "Oh, Dad, please, stop!"
My sentiments exactly. What? They mix up their sauces? That imagery is revolting. What is this woman doing with that hamburger? "Ooh, the Whopper - I just love to cram it in my hoo-ha." If they had only done the earlier ad where you see that the female members of the family are humans, I would have picked the nit as I did and not really thought about it again. Now they're actively making us think about how a Whopper would have sex with a woman. Which, again, is in no way making me hungry. It's making me want to be sure I never, ever have mayonnaise on a hamburger again.
Whopper Dad: "Here, take this."
Whopper Jr.: "What's this?"
Whopper Dad: "It's an extra napkin, put it in your wallet."
No. Jesus Christ, no. If there's one thing even worse than trying to describe how hamburgers go about fucking human females, it's the idea that a napkin also constitutes some form of hamburger birth control. "Quick, wipe off that ketchup before it goes anywhere!" Hey, new slogan idea, BK: "The Whopper Jr.: It'll knock up your mouth!" You know, to be really sure that no one ever wants to order another one.
Whopper Jr.: "Yeah, thanks, 'Dr. Love.'"
Whopper Dad: "Don't mention it."
"By the way, they give those out for free at Planned Burgerhood."
This, to me, is just lazy advertising at its finest. It goes for cheap, vaguely shocking jokes while virtually ignoring the product it's trying to sell (what food product couldn't you have plugged into that ad?). And honestly, respond if you disagree, but how does this kind of weird food-having-sex association make anyone want that food? Remember a few years ago when some clueless admen on the McDonald's account gave us the "I'd Hit It!" banner ads that got laughed off the web? How is this different? How is it not much, much worse? Yes, CPB is clearly aware of what they're doing, whereas the extent to which McDonald's was out of touch was pretty hilarious on its own terms. But the association of food with sex is so much more direct and that much more distasteful in the BK ads. We've talked about this a number of times on this site and it doesn't get any less creepy the more I see it happen. CPB wants brand awareness and thinks hilarious burger-condom jokes are the way to go. I say brand awareness is no good when I am forever put off the brand because of your nasty burger-condom jokes. Maybe I'm crazy.
Okay, last one.
Whopper Dad: "Listen, I don't care if you want to sell yourself for less, but a buck?"
Whopper Jr.: "People are psyched about this, Dad! You'd know that if you'd pull your head out of your bun."
Whopper Dad: "Watch it, burger boy."
And another hilarious "burger things that sound like human things" joke rears its head. Given that there were only four ads in this sequence, what does it say for CPB's creativity that they managed to have fully half of them end with jokes in which "bun" is used in reference to its human meaning? Couldn't think of anywhere else to go with that?
That slogan also kills me: "Bringing some attitude to the BK value menu." What? Attitude? It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger, in fact, that is identical to its larger version in every way but size. That's "attitude"? I'd buy this tack with the Angry Whopper or something, but come on. Also, as I've pointed out before, I'm not sure how portraying a menu item as an obnoxious teenager is supposed to sell hamburgers. Still, if they hadn't forced me to think about burger sex, all might have been forgiven. Instead I'm just left wondering what Crispin Porter won't do in the name of being "edgy" or whatever the fuck.
Yes, that is all the Whopper Junior ads in one go. I had hoped only to write about one in particular, which I saw on TV the other night and which profoundly disgusted me, but I couldn't find it individually and hey, it's not like the other ads in the series were any better. Let's go.
Whopper Dad: "You can't sell yourself for a buck, Junior."
Whopper Jr.: "Why not?"
Whopper Dad: "Because as long as you live in my house, you'll live by my rules, you got it?"
[Mom sighs heavily while the daughter disinterestedly pokes at her cell phone]
Whopper Jr.: "I thought Burger King was the home of the Whopper."
Whopper Dad: "Oh, what is that supposed to mean?"
Whopper Jr.: "All my life you've been off being America's favorite burger, and now you want to come home and be Dad? No!"
Whopper Dad: "You get back here! Get back here!"
Whopper Jr.: "I wish I'd never been broiled!"
Mmmm. Nothing makes me hungrier for a hamburger than, uh, a nice awkward family tiff. (The 15-second version, which airs much more frequently, conveniently edits out almost all of that nonsense.) Also, does it seem odd that the "you are a talking hamburger instead of a person" gene appears to be resident on the Y chromosome? How exactly did this work that a hamburger and a woman had a male hamburger kid and a female human kid? (Ridiculous nitpicking? Maybe. But how hard would it have been to scrounge up two more hamburger costumes?) And shame on this ad for making me think about hamburger sex (although - spoiler alert - it only gets worse from here).
Also, the "America's Favorite Burger" claim dates back to a 1999 survey in which 33% of 700 respondents said the Whopper was their favorite burger. 700 people? Is that enough to proclaim yourself America's Favorite Burger when McDonald's leads in market share? Whatever. Next ad.
Whopper Jr.: "I'm just saying that with me, you always have it your way."
Girl: [giggles]
Whopper Jr.: "'Cause girl, I am made to order."
[Whopper Dad bursts in]
Whopper Jr.: "What the- Dad! Don't you knock?"
Whopper Dad: "What's going on? First you're selling yourself for a buck, and now this?"
Was that girl going to devour him, or have sex with him? And did he sell himself to her for a buck? Whopper Jr.: adding some prostitution to the BK value menu.
Whopper Jr.: "Stop treating me like I'm on the kids menu!"
Whopper Dad: "You get your buns downstairs right now!"
Whopper Jr.: "Eat me."
Oh, the hilarious plays on words that result when you are a hamburger and also kind of a person. Next.
Whopper Dad: "Junior, now that you're selling yourself for a buck, you're going to meet a lot of girls."
For the record, this was the one that I found really, really gross. Also, another allusion to male prostitution here, I'd say.
Whopper Jr.: "What?"
Whopper Dad: "When a Whopper loves a woman, they... boy... mix up their... sauces and stuff..."
Whopper Jr.: "Oh, Dad, please, stop!"
My sentiments exactly. What? They mix up their sauces? That imagery is revolting. What is this woman doing with that hamburger? "Ooh, the Whopper - I just love to cram it in my hoo-ha." If they had only done the earlier ad where you see that the female members of the family are humans, I would have picked the nit as I did and not really thought about it again. Now they're actively making us think about how a Whopper would have sex with a woman. Which, again, is in no way making me hungry. It's making me want to be sure I never, ever have mayonnaise on a hamburger again.
Whopper Dad: "Here, take this."
Whopper Jr.: "What's this?"
Whopper Dad: "It's an extra napkin, put it in your wallet."
No. Jesus Christ, no. If there's one thing even worse than trying to describe how hamburgers go about fucking human females, it's the idea that a napkin also constitutes some form of hamburger birth control. "Quick, wipe off that ketchup before it goes anywhere!" Hey, new slogan idea, BK: "The Whopper Jr.: It'll knock up your mouth!" You know, to be really sure that no one ever wants to order another one.
Whopper Jr.: "Yeah, thanks, 'Dr. Love.'"
Whopper Dad: "Don't mention it."
"By the way, they give those out for free at Planned Burgerhood."
This, to me, is just lazy advertising at its finest. It goes for cheap, vaguely shocking jokes while virtually ignoring the product it's trying to sell (what food product couldn't you have plugged into that ad?). And honestly, respond if you disagree, but how does this kind of weird food-having-sex association make anyone want that food? Remember a few years ago when some clueless admen on the McDonald's account gave us the "I'd Hit It!" banner ads that got laughed off the web? How is this different? How is it not much, much worse? Yes, CPB is clearly aware of what they're doing, whereas the extent to which McDonald's was out of touch was pretty hilarious on its own terms. But the association of food with sex is so much more direct and that much more distasteful in the BK ads. We've talked about this a number of times on this site and it doesn't get any less creepy the more I see it happen. CPB wants brand awareness and thinks hilarious burger-condom jokes are the way to go. I say brand awareness is no good when I am forever put off the brand because of your nasty burger-condom jokes. Maybe I'm crazy.
Okay, last one.
Whopper Dad: "Listen, I don't care if you want to sell yourself for less, but a buck?"
Whopper Jr.: "People are psyched about this, Dad! You'd know that if you'd pull your head out of your bun."
Whopper Dad: "Watch it, burger boy."
And another hilarious "burger things that sound like human things" joke rears its head. Given that there were only four ads in this sequence, what does it say for CPB's creativity that they managed to have fully half of them end with jokes in which "bun" is used in reference to its human meaning? Couldn't think of anywhere else to go with that?
That slogan also kills me: "Bringing some attitude to the BK value menu." What? Attitude? It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger, in fact, that is identical to its larger version in every way but size. That's "attitude"? I'd buy this tack with the Angry Whopper or something, but come on. Also, as I've pointed out before, I'm not sure how portraying a menu item as an obnoxious teenager is supposed to sell hamburgers. Still, if they hadn't forced me to think about burger sex, all might have been forgiven. Instead I'm just left wondering what Crispin Porter won't do in the name of being "edgy" or whatever the fuck.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Whopper Virgins deflowered
About a month ago I posted about Burger King's new Whopper Virgins campaign. They were airing a teaser commercial that showed how they traveled to remote places (Thailand countryside, Greenland, Romania, etc.) and asked locals who have never eaten a burger whether they preferred a Whopper or a McDonald's Big Mac. Unsurprisingly, the initial spots incited unease and even anger -- which is what tends to happen when you use poor, isolated peoples as guinea pigs for your fast food products and then put them in your commercials rather than, you know, helping them not starve to death.
So the new ads are way toned down. Here's one example:
Announcer: This woman is a Whopper virgin.
The commercial I really wanted wasn't on YouTube, but it shows a Transylvanian farmer donning an amusing traditional outfit and tiny hat, and the voiceover asks him, "Was it good for you?" Ahh, unnecessary sexuality shoe-horned into a commercial for food. That could only be the hackish work of... Crispin Porter + Bogusky! (To summarize my feelings on that agency, just know that the authors of this site are probably not going to get jobs over there any time soon.)
At least there's no outright, creepy sexuality in this spot -- aside from calling a middle-aged Inuit woman a virgin of some kind.
She's never eaten a burger.
That reminds me. I need someone who doesn't know how to read to tell me if they like this blog or not. I'll publish the results at the top of the page next week.
Will she prefer the Whopper or the Big Mac?
The tension is killing me, Burger King! Just tell me, already, which burger did she like?! Will it possibly be the one you're promoting in this commercial?!?!!!?1111!?
Inuit Woman's translation: "I like this one."
Announcer: It appears she's got a taste for flame-broiled beef.
Well, that settles that! One out of one Inuit people who have no concept of burgers prefers the Whopper! Uh, McDonald's? Might as well close those 14,000 stores, my friends. You've been discredited.... all thanks to the crack research team over at Crispin Porter + Bogusky!
Of course all this didn't stop Crispin Porter from being voted agency of the year by Adweek. In their defense, yes, they won a ton of business this year -- including that huge Microsoft account with the confounding Bill Gates spot. On the other hand, give me a fucking break. Here's an exceprt from that article:
With the Gates-Seinfeld spots coming and going in a flash, it was widely assumed Microsoft pulled them early, in a tacit admission they had flopped. Not the case, says Rob Reilly, Crispin's co-ecd, who, along with co-chairman Alex Bogusky, led the creative pitch for the estimated $300 million Windows assignment in late 2007.
"The point of the Bill and Jerry stuff was to get people thinking about Microsoft in a different way," says Reilly. "So, when 'I'm a PC' came, you were ready for something different. It was always designed to be two weeks. It did exactly what it was supposed to do."
I'm sorry, what? You guys gave Seinfeld ten million dollars, remember? You wanted to pay him ten million just to use him in two commercials? And the result was "exactly" what it was supposed to be? Fuck off.
There's just so much bullshit with the attention whores at CP+B, and no one ever calls their work what it is -- vapid noise. Here's what they do for your brand -- they get publicity, at the expense of everything your brand stands for. Take that Whopper Virgins campaign -- loads of press. But was it good press? There simply is such a thing as bad publicity, especially when you're trying to sell products. Even the response from the normally sympathetic BK audience was tepid -- those commercials on YouTube were getting like 2.5 and 3 stars on average. With the grade inflation on YouTube that's like getting an F. I even saw one comment (not from me, I promise), that said "I'm done with Burger King."
Once again I have to ask -- when will marketers in America end their regrettable love affair with Crispin Porter?
So the new ads are way toned down. Here's one example:
Announcer: This woman is a Whopper virgin.
The commercial I really wanted wasn't on YouTube, but it shows a Transylvanian farmer donning an amusing traditional outfit and tiny hat, and the voiceover asks him, "Was it good for you?" Ahh, unnecessary sexuality shoe-horned into a commercial for food. That could only be the hackish work of... Crispin Porter + Bogusky! (To summarize my feelings on that agency, just know that the authors of this site are probably not going to get jobs over there any time soon.)
At least there's no outright, creepy sexuality in this spot -- aside from calling a middle-aged Inuit woman a virgin of some kind.
She's never eaten a burger.
That reminds me. I need someone who doesn't know how to read to tell me if they like this blog or not. I'll publish the results at the top of the page next week.
Will she prefer the Whopper or the Big Mac?
The tension is killing me, Burger King! Just tell me, already, which burger did she like?! Will it possibly be the one you're promoting in this commercial?!?!!!?1111!?
Inuit Woman's translation: "I like this one."
Announcer: It appears she's got a taste for flame-broiled beef.
Well, that settles that! One out of one Inuit people who have no concept of burgers prefers the Whopper! Uh, McDonald's? Might as well close those 14,000 stores, my friends. You've been discredited.... all thanks to the crack research team over at Crispin Porter + Bogusky!
Of course all this didn't stop Crispin Porter from being voted agency of the year by Adweek. In their defense, yes, they won a ton of business this year -- including that huge Microsoft account with the confounding Bill Gates spot. On the other hand, give me a fucking break. Here's an exceprt from that article:
With the Gates-Seinfeld spots coming and going in a flash, it was widely assumed Microsoft pulled them early, in a tacit admission they had flopped. Not the case, says Rob Reilly, Crispin's co-ecd, who, along with co-chairman Alex Bogusky, led the creative pitch for the estimated $300 million Windows assignment in late 2007.
"The point of the Bill and Jerry stuff was to get people thinking about Microsoft in a different way," says Reilly. "So, when 'I'm a PC' came, you were ready for something different. It was always designed to be two weeks. It did exactly what it was supposed to do."
I'm sorry, what? You guys gave Seinfeld ten million dollars, remember? You wanted to pay him ten million just to use him in two commercials? And the result was "exactly" what it was supposed to be? Fuck off.
There's just so much bullshit with the attention whores at CP+B, and no one ever calls their work what it is -- vapid noise. Here's what they do for your brand -- they get publicity, at the expense of everything your brand stands for. Take that Whopper Virgins campaign -- loads of press. But was it good press? There simply is such a thing as bad publicity, especially when you're trying to sell products. Even the response from the normally sympathetic BK audience was tepid -- those commercials on YouTube were getting like 2.5 and 3 stars on average. With the grade inflation on YouTube that's like getting an F. I even saw one comment (not from me, I promise), that said "I'm done with Burger King."
Once again I have to ask -- when will marketers in America end their regrettable love affair with Crispin Porter?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Whopper Virgins: More Pain from Crispin Porter & BK
About a year ago, Burger King launched themselves into the reality TV landscape with a commercial that utilized a classic marketing "deprivation exercise." The central premise of the ad was, "Hey, what if we stopped selling the one thing people come here to buy?" and the result ended up being, "It turns out people don't like it when they can't buy the one thing they came here for!" Because of this daring commercial experiment, the entire theory of human psychology was thrown into chaos, textbooks were rewritten, and legions of top research professors resigned in disgrace. Almost. Actually what happened was the exact thing that anyone with a brain would have predicted: people get angry when they can't buy a Whopper at a Burger King.
Funny thing: BK, and their stalwart marketing partner Crispin Porter + Bo-fucking-Gusky, aren't quite finished exploring the realm of ill thought-out reality advertising:
What happens when you take remote Chiang Mai villagers...
Man, BK. You've gone pretty low before -- low humor, low class, low accountability -- but now you're forcing destitute people in developing countries (and Thailand is, right now, wildly unstable and dangerous) to do your advertising? What, are they there for your amusement? How much does a Thai villager get paid to eat a burger?
Who've never seen a burger, who don't even have a word for "burger"...
Gee, people who don't know what good burgers are? Sounds like an excellent audience to judge burgers.
"You've never had blood cake before? Okay, try this pig blood cake. Now try this yak blood cake. Which was less disgusting? Oh dude! Yak blood cake totally beats the shit out of pig blood cake!!"
And ask them to compare Whopper versus Big Mac in the world's purest taste test...
Define "purest." This is beginning to sound like BK wants to take up the white man's burden here.
The Whopper is America's favorite, but what will these people choose
"These people"!!
"Yeah, I know you don't know what they are. They're burgers. Burgers. Just eat them. Okay, now pick one. No, pick the other one. Great, thanks. Now get back to your hut, or wherever you people live."
The Whopper Virgins will decide.
And when you go to the site you will find out they they will air a "documentary" in a week or so and reveal what the disenfranchised, burger-less peoples of the third world decided regarding Whoppers and Big Macs. Now what do you suppose they chose? It would be pretty embarrassing if Burger King spent all this money to advertise this, and it turned out that the Virgins picked Big Mac!
In his most recent post, Windier posited some criteria regarding the "worst commercial ever made." Let's evaluate the "Whopper Virgins" spot here: (a) being incredibly unfunny? Check. (b) featuring things that no human would ever say? In a way, yes -- certainly eating a Whopper is not something a Thai villager would ever do. (c) being really creepy. Oh yes. (d) Racist. Big check mark. And then I might also add (e) saying absolutely nothing useful or differentiating about the product. When you're asking people who lack the experience and interest to effectively evaluate your product to compare it against a competitor's, you're essentially admitting that you just have nothing worthwhile to talk about. I mean, you don't see NetJets asking me if I prefer owning a share of a private jet or owning my own jet outright. You know why? Because I have no way of judging between those two. I am not in their target audience.
Once again I ask: When will Burger King and Crispin Porter stop? Hey, why not call BK's customer relations (1-305-378-3535) and let them know how you feel?
Funny thing: BK, and their stalwart marketing partner Crispin Porter + Bo-fucking-Gusky, aren't quite finished exploring the realm of ill thought-out reality advertising:
What happens when you take remote Chiang Mai villagers...
Man, BK. You've gone pretty low before -- low humor, low class, low accountability -- but now you're forcing destitute people in developing countries (and Thailand is, right now, wildly unstable and dangerous) to do your advertising? What, are they there for your amusement? How much does a Thai villager get paid to eat a burger?
Who've never seen a burger, who don't even have a word for "burger"...
Gee, people who don't know what good burgers are? Sounds like an excellent audience to judge burgers.
"You've never had blood cake before? Okay, try this pig blood cake. Now try this yak blood cake. Which was less disgusting? Oh dude! Yak blood cake totally beats the shit out of pig blood cake!!"
And ask them to compare Whopper versus Big Mac in the world's purest taste test...
Define "purest." This is beginning to sound like BK wants to take up the white man's burden here.
The Whopper is America's favorite, but what will these people choose
"These people"!!
"Yeah, I know you don't know what they are. They're burgers. Burgers. Just eat them. Okay, now pick one. No, pick the other one. Great, thanks. Now get back to your hut, or wherever you people live."
The Whopper Virgins will decide.
And when you go to the site you will find out they they will air a "documentary" in a week or so and reveal what the disenfranchised, burger-less peoples of the third world decided regarding Whoppers and Big Macs. Now what do you suppose they chose? It would be pretty embarrassing if Burger King spent all this money to advertise this, and it turned out that the Virgins picked Big Mac!
In his most recent post, Windier posited some criteria regarding the "worst commercial ever made." Let's evaluate the "Whopper Virgins" spot here: (a) being incredibly unfunny? Check. (b) featuring things that no human would ever say? In a way, yes -- certainly eating a Whopper is not something a Thai villager would ever do. (c) being really creepy. Oh yes. (d) Racist. Big check mark. And then I might also add (e) saying absolutely nothing useful or differentiating about the product. When you're asking people who lack the experience and interest to effectively evaluate your product to compare it against a competitor's, you're essentially admitting that you just have nothing worthwhile to talk about. I mean, you don't see NetJets asking me if I prefer owning a share of a private jet or owning my own jet outright. You know why? Because I have no way of judging between those two. I am not in their target audience.
Once again I ask: When will Burger King and Crispin Porter stop? Hey, why not call BK's customer relations (1-305-378-3535) and let them know how you feel?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
In which the blogger continues his campaign against Crispin Porter
Here at the Ad Wizards, we think most of the commercials we see on television could be a lot better. But then there's the work of one agency in particular that just makes our typin' fingers all red and itchy -- that would be the unwatchable oeuvre of Crispin Porter & Bogusky. Here we take a look at their latest effort to market the Volkswagen Routan:
Talking VW Beetle: Ahh, velcome Brooke Shields! Vat's on your mind?
Brooke Shields: Well, there's an epidemic sweeping the nation. Women everywhere are having babies just to get the new Volkswagen Routan.
The talking car isn't new -- they've used that in some recent work. Brooke Shields, however, is new. You know, it's hard to sell cars in a recession -- aren't we making it harder on the few consumers who do want to buy cars, by making them sift through peripheral weirdness like Beetles with German accents and B-Listers talking about some made-up, car-related baby boom?
Brooke Shields: Christine here is so seduced by German engineering, she's having a baby just to get it.
"And as soon as that baby is born, Christine is going to ship it off to an Engineering Boarding school in Hamburg, never to see her child again."
So I guess Crispin Porter's clever idea here is that "couples love the Routan minivan so much, they're going to get pregnant to justify buying one." That's such a bizarre, stupid idea, you have to wonder how they got there. Maybe they got an email from Volkswagen Marketing that looked like this:
Assignment:
Develop a new commercial for the Routan
Objective:
Weird people out. Also, decrease sales of Routan by 50%
Target:
Pregnant couples, ages 25-40
Insight:
German engineering is awesome. Everybody wants it. That's the number one thing people look for in automobiles -- "Was this made by Germans? Because the Japanese, Americans and Koreans all suck at making cars"
Mandatories:
Talking car, German accent, random 3-piece band, use slogan that translates to "The Car"
Brooke Shields: Don't be like Christine -- have a baby for love, not for German engineering.
How is this funny? Or informational? Or memorable, even? Here's a test -- watch this ad twice, then come back to this site in 3 days and see if you remember the name of the car. I bet you won't. What you will remember? Brooke Shields annoying you.
Brooke Shields: Learn what I'm doing to help -- at Routanboom.org
Hey, do you want to see about five more minutes of this same commercial? Then you should really check out RoutanBoom.org.
This car just launched -- a joint venture with Chrysler -- so no sales news yet. But with commercials like this one, you just have to wonder why companies continue to let Crispin Porter + Bogusky reshape their brands into creepy piles of shit.
SIDE NOTE: And by the way, here's an example of the way Volkswagen commercials used to be. Arnold Communications handled the account back then, before Crispin Porter could take a huge dump on it.
Anyone like this Pink Moon spot just a little bit more than the nonsensical zaniness of Brooke Shields railing against procreation?
Talking VW Beetle: Ahh, velcome Brooke Shields! Vat's on your mind?
Brooke Shields: Well, there's an epidemic sweeping the nation. Women everywhere are having babies just to get the new Volkswagen Routan.
The talking car isn't new -- they've used that in some recent work. Brooke Shields, however, is new. You know, it's hard to sell cars in a recession -- aren't we making it harder on the few consumers who do want to buy cars, by making them sift through peripheral weirdness like Beetles with German accents and B-Listers talking about some made-up, car-related baby boom?
Brooke Shields: Christine here is so seduced by German engineering, she's having a baby just to get it.
"And as soon as that baby is born, Christine is going to ship it off to an Engineering Boarding school in Hamburg, never to see her child again."
So I guess Crispin Porter's clever idea here is that "couples love the Routan minivan so much, they're going to get pregnant to justify buying one." That's such a bizarre, stupid idea, you have to wonder how they got there. Maybe they got an email from Volkswagen Marketing that looked like this:
Assignment:
Develop a new commercial for the Routan
Objective:
Weird people out. Also, decrease sales of Routan by 50%
Target:
Pregnant couples, ages 25-40
Insight:
German engineering is awesome. Everybody wants it. That's the number one thing people look for in automobiles -- "Was this made by Germans? Because the Japanese, Americans and Koreans all suck at making cars"
Mandatories:
Talking car, German accent, random 3-piece band, use slogan that translates to "The Car"
Brooke Shields: Don't be like Christine -- have a baby for love, not for German engineering.
How is this funny? Or informational? Or memorable, even? Here's a test -- watch this ad twice, then come back to this site in 3 days and see if you remember the name of the car. I bet you won't. What you will remember? Brooke Shields annoying you.
Brooke Shields: Learn what I'm doing to help -- at Routanboom.org
Hey, do you want to see about five more minutes of this same commercial? Then you should really check out RoutanBoom.org.
This car just launched -- a joint venture with Chrysler -- so no sales news yet. But with commercials like this one, you just have to wonder why companies continue to let Crispin Porter + Bogusky reshape their brands into creepy piles of shit.
SIDE NOTE: And by the way, here's an example of the way Volkswagen commercials used to be. Arnold Communications handled the account back then, before Crispin Porter could take a huge dump on it.
Anyone like this Pink Moon spot just a little bit more than the nonsensical zaniness of Brooke Shields railing against procreation?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
An ad campaign about nothing: Microsoft spends $300 million on "jokes"
So Microsoft wants to be cool. Call it "Apple envy." We've seen it before -- companies trying to make hip commericals that look like they were produced by Apple's longtime agency, Chiat/Day. But where does a giant like Microsoft find their creative inspiration? They open up their pocketbooks, grab a $300 million wad, and go begging to the advertising agency most responsible for the existence of this site, Crispin Porter + Bo-fucking-gusky. Ahh, Crispin. Creator of the BK "King," panderer of lazy humor, mover of offices from Miami to Boulder (I guess -- needed to spend all that money?)
But wow, $300 million dollar account.... access to the world's second richest man.... seemingly limitless marketing opportunities. What would Crispin Porter do with all that? Oh, of course! Take ten of that three hundred million and hire a comedian a decade past his prime! Then put him in ads next to laugh-a-minute comedy master Bill Gates! So, hey, how'd that turn out?
Seinfeld: "Shoe Circus. Quality shoes at discount prices. Why pay more?" Bill Gates?
My thoughts exactly. If you're thinking "what the hell am I watching," like I am, you're probably hoping there's a big, tidy pay-off at the end that makes some sense of this situation. Spoiler alert!! There isn't.
Gates: Jerry Seinfeld?
Seinfeld: Churro?
Hmm. Almost a joke. So close here, Jerry. What is it about Jerry Seinfeld in commercials that just drains the humor out of him?
With $10 million spent on Seinfeld alone, I wonder what the cost of this campaign is per joke. Let's keep a tally. This is joke #1.
Seinfeld (helping Gates try on shoes): Is that your toe?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: What is it?
Gates: Leather.
Joke Count: 2. Granted, Jerry plays straight man here, but we'll give it to him. Also, this is probably the funniest part of the commercial right here.
Seinfeld: You know what I do? I wear (the Conquistador shoes) in the shower. You ever wear clothes in the shower, Bill?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: You're dressed, and you're clean. Open the door, go about your business.
Joke Count: 4. I'm counting the word "Conquistador" as a kind of throwback "Seinfeld" word joke. I guess kind of like "Festivus" or something. I dunno. Also I'm counting the showering in your clothes bit as a joke. Although, isn't that really odd? Did Seinfeld write this, or a crack-addled Crispin Porter copywriter?
Seinfeld: Guess what Bill, you're a ten (referring to his shoe size).
And we're up to 5 now, with a pun. Yay. If the commercial stopped now (if only!), it'd be just $2 million per joke. And sure, that may seem excessive, but think about this: Don Rickles used to charge $50,000 per insult at the old Friar's Club Roasts. And if it got a big laugh? That was extra. And that's before inflation, folks. (Note: I'm almost certain this is true.) Comedy ain't cheap.
Seinfeld: What do you get with that card (the Clown Club membership card)?
Gates: Big Top points.
Seinfeld sets the pick, and Gates drains the three! We're at 6. Six funny, funny jokes. Oh, and we've learned a lot about Microsoft. Like about the brand, what their products do, Vista. All that important selling stuff -- it's all covered.
Also, I'm not counting the fact that Bill Gates, a bazillionaire, is shopping at a discount shoe shop as a joke. You have to try harder than that to be funny.
Seinfeld: You know, I imagine over the years you've mind-melded your magnum Jupiter brain to those other Saturn-ringed brains at Microsoft.
That's negative one. That is so forced and awkward that, if there's a joke somewhere in there (Jerry's a zombie and wants to eat Bill's delicious brain?), I can't find it in that turgid, tortured sentence. Just abominable. We're back to 5.
Seinfeld: Just wondering, are they ever gonna come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy like cake so we can just eat 'em while we're working.
"Jerry Seinfeld on Salvia," ladies and gentlemen! Listen as he riffs on tasting colors in airplane food... identify with him as he discusses the annoying coworker who always flies inside the refrigerator just as you were going to hear it bleed purple! This Thursday through Saturday at the Orpheum. Tickets going fast!
Joke Count: 6. Just because I kind of pity him now.
Seinfeld: If it's yes, give me a signal -- adjust your shorts.
Gates: (moves ass uncomfortably)
Joke Count: 100,000,000,000,000. I take it all back -- that bit alone is like a hundred trillion jokes. Jerry Seinfeld was worth every penny! I actually just came to after passing out from over-laughing. I'm typing this from an ambulance where I'm being treated for a fractured rib cage -- from laughing way too hard at the inherent comedy in blending observational Jewish humor with PC-based operating system marketing! Wooooooo!
The Future. Delicious. (Windows logo)
So, to recap, here's what I take away from this ad:
1. Microsoft is a shoe company.
2. Even rich people like discounts.
3. Jerry Seinfeld stopped being funny, somehow.
4. Hey, those Mac vs. PC ads are pretty funny, huh?
5. Oh, guess I was wrong on point #1 - Microsoft has something to do with computers, not shoes.
6. The future is delicious.
7. Okay, figured it out -- Microsoft sells churros.
8. I am going to buy a Mac immediately.
One would have to think that Crispin Porter + Bogusky's reign atop the advertising world is coming to an end very soon.
But wow, $300 million dollar account.... access to the world's second richest man.... seemingly limitless marketing opportunities. What would Crispin Porter do with all that? Oh, of course! Take ten of that three hundred million and hire a comedian a decade past his prime! Then put him in ads next to laugh-a-minute comedy master Bill Gates! So, hey, how'd that turn out?
Seinfeld: "Shoe Circus. Quality shoes at discount prices. Why pay more?" Bill Gates?
My thoughts exactly. If you're thinking "what the hell am I watching," like I am, you're probably hoping there's a big, tidy pay-off at the end that makes some sense of this situation. Spoiler alert!! There isn't.
Gates: Jerry Seinfeld?
Seinfeld: Churro?
Hmm. Almost a joke. So close here, Jerry. What is it about Jerry Seinfeld in commercials that just drains the humor out of him?
With $10 million spent on Seinfeld alone, I wonder what the cost of this campaign is per joke. Let's keep a tally. This is joke #1.
Seinfeld (helping Gates try on shoes): Is that your toe?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: What is it?
Gates: Leather.
Joke Count: 2. Granted, Jerry plays straight man here, but we'll give it to him. Also, this is probably the funniest part of the commercial right here.
Seinfeld: You know what I do? I wear (the Conquistador shoes) in the shower. You ever wear clothes in the shower, Bill?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: You're dressed, and you're clean. Open the door, go about your business.
Joke Count: 4. I'm counting the word "Conquistador" as a kind of throwback "Seinfeld" word joke. I guess kind of like "Festivus" or something. I dunno. Also I'm counting the showering in your clothes bit as a joke. Although, isn't that really odd? Did Seinfeld write this, or a crack-addled Crispin Porter copywriter?
Seinfeld: Guess what Bill, you're a ten (referring to his shoe size).
And we're up to 5 now, with a pun. Yay. If the commercial stopped now (if only!), it'd be just $2 million per joke. And sure, that may seem excessive, but think about this: Don Rickles used to charge $50,000 per insult at the old Friar's Club Roasts. And if it got a big laugh? That was extra. And that's before inflation, folks. (Note: I'm almost certain this is true.) Comedy ain't cheap.
Seinfeld: What do you get with that card (the Clown Club membership card)?
Gates: Big Top points.
Seinfeld sets the pick, and Gates drains the three! We're at 6. Six funny, funny jokes. Oh, and we've learned a lot about Microsoft. Like about the brand, what their products do, Vista. All that important selling stuff -- it's all covered.
Also, I'm not counting the fact that Bill Gates, a bazillionaire, is shopping at a discount shoe shop as a joke. You have to try harder than that to be funny.
Seinfeld: You know, I imagine over the years you've mind-melded your magnum Jupiter brain to those other Saturn-ringed brains at Microsoft.
That's negative one. That is so forced and awkward that, if there's a joke somewhere in there (Jerry's a zombie and wants to eat Bill's delicious brain?), I can't find it in that turgid, tortured sentence. Just abominable. We're back to 5.
Seinfeld: Just wondering, are they ever gonna come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy like cake so we can just eat 'em while we're working.
"Jerry Seinfeld on Salvia," ladies and gentlemen! Listen as he riffs on tasting colors in airplane food... identify with him as he discusses the annoying coworker who always flies inside the refrigerator just as you were going to hear it bleed purple! This Thursday through Saturday at the Orpheum. Tickets going fast!
Joke Count: 6. Just because I kind of pity him now.
Seinfeld: If it's yes, give me a signal -- adjust your shorts.
Gates: (moves ass uncomfortably)
Joke Count: 100,000,000,000,000. I take it all back -- that bit alone is like a hundred trillion jokes. Jerry Seinfeld was worth every penny! I actually just came to after passing out from over-laughing. I'm typing this from an ambulance where I'm being treated for a fractured rib cage -- from laughing way too hard at the inherent comedy in blending observational Jewish humor with PC-based operating system marketing! Wooooooo!
The Future. Delicious. (Windows logo)
So, to recap, here's what I take away from this ad:
1. Microsoft is a shoe company.
2. Even rich people like discounts.
3. Jerry Seinfeld stopped being funny, somehow.
4. Hey, those Mac vs. PC ads are pretty funny, huh?
5. Oh, guess I was wrong on point #1 - Microsoft has something to do with computers, not shoes.
6. The future is delicious.
7. Okay, figured it out -- Microsoft sells churros.
8. I am going to buy a Mac immediately.
One would have to think that Crispin Porter + Bogusky's reign atop the advertising world is coming to an end very soon.
Monday, December 31, 2007
All that yelling made me hungry
Crispin Porter + Bogusky is one of those too-cool-for-school ad shops that happens to be remarkably visible right now. Their clients are huge and well-advertised, so their work is difficult to ignore. Burger King, one of their biggest clients, has been a routine offender on this site, so it should come as no surprise that we think Crispin Porter + Bogusky should fuck off. If you'd like to read a nicely-written critique of the agency, check out this Slate article. If you'd like to look at their latest pile of total crapola on the airwaves, watch this video and read below:
Announcer: We stopped selling the Whopper for one day to see what would happen.
This is, for the record, actual footage of real people. Real people getting irked when they find out a fast food store has stopped selling their marquee product. Their reactions make sense, and it's obvious to predict what would happen. So why they bothered setting the commercial up as a faux science experiment is beyond me.
There are various embarrassing scenes of normal people yelling at the actors in this Burger King, most of which make everyone look insane. In the extended cut (I'm not going to bother linking to it since I don't want anyone to waste 7 minutes of their lives like I did), the people actually seem more reasonable and less bitchy. For instance, the lady who says "I want your manager" says "please" in the full version. So editing the commercial this way just makes people look like bigger idiots than they are -- a cheap shot by both Burger King and Crispin Porter.
Announcer: What happened was, people freaked.
Right, not shocking. This is what everybody expected (thanks for using the very adult word "freaked" by the way.) So what does this commercial tell us about Burger King? Well, they have something called the Whopper, and it's popular. So popular, in fact, that if you took it away, people would get kind of belligerent if you edited their reactions in a certain unfair, dickish way. Beyond that, all this says is the patently obvious.
What would happen if McDonald's took their Big Mac away? What would happen if the Coca-Cola Co. took Sprite away? What would happen if Crispin Porter + Bogusky took their Shitball Broadcast Commercial Department away? Is there a less interesting advertising concept than this?
In the extended version of this hidden camera bit, they have a scene where they put a McDonald's hamburger in the bag of someone who had ordered a Whopper. When the customer complains, the employee/actor says something about how BK couldn't have put that McDonald's hamburger in there because McDonald's (and Wendy's) fries their burgers, and Burger King only has flame broilers. Now that's interesting. That's differentiating. That might even be good enough to make a commercial out of. At the very least you could use that claim to set yourself apart. Instead, we get rough-hewn, dull advertising that's packaged like it's cutting edge. This is not unique. This is not creative. And for the record, seeing people freak out isn't exactly a universal appetite enhancer.
Announcer: We stopped selling the Whopper for one day to see what would happen.
This is, for the record, actual footage of real people. Real people getting irked when they find out a fast food store has stopped selling their marquee product. Their reactions make sense, and it's obvious to predict what would happen. So why they bothered setting the commercial up as a faux science experiment is beyond me.
There are various embarrassing scenes of normal people yelling at the actors in this Burger King, most of which make everyone look insane. In the extended cut (I'm not going to bother linking to it since I don't want anyone to waste 7 minutes of their lives like I did), the people actually seem more reasonable and less bitchy. For instance, the lady who says "I want your manager" says "please" in the full version. So editing the commercial this way just makes people look like bigger idiots than they are -- a cheap shot by both Burger King and Crispin Porter.
Announcer: What happened was, people freaked.
Right, not shocking. This is what everybody expected (thanks for using the very adult word "freaked" by the way.) So what does this commercial tell us about Burger King? Well, they have something called the Whopper, and it's popular. So popular, in fact, that if you took it away, people would get kind of belligerent if you edited their reactions in a certain unfair, dickish way. Beyond that, all this says is the patently obvious.
What would happen if McDonald's took their Big Mac away? What would happen if the Coca-Cola Co. took Sprite away? What would happen if Crispin Porter + Bogusky took their Shitball Broadcast Commercial Department away? Is there a less interesting advertising concept than this?
In the extended version of this hidden camera bit, they have a scene where they put a McDonald's hamburger in the bag of someone who had ordered a Whopper. When the customer complains, the employee/actor says something about how BK couldn't have put that McDonald's hamburger in there because McDonald's (and Wendy's) fries their burgers, and Burger King only has flame broilers. Now that's interesting. That's differentiating. That might even be good enough to make a commercial out of. At the very least you could use that claim to set yourself apart. Instead, we get rough-hewn, dull advertising that's packaged like it's cutting edge. This is not unique. This is not creative. And for the record, seeing people freak out isn't exactly a universal appetite enhancer.
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