Repulsion comes standard

How about another supplemental award? This one we'll call The Creepiest, Most Off-Putting CGI Award. And the winner is... Cars.com!



This ad is supposed to be funny and/or appealing.

Salesman: "Have you decided which vehicle you want to go with today?"
[horrifying CGI monstrosity version of the customer emerges from his back; music plays]
CGI horror: [singing] "Hey baby, I want that car / Hey baby, I really want that car / Let's get that car..."
Customer: "Yeah, that's my confidence, it's been coming out of me ever since I went on Cars.com."

I can think of many, many ways to depict someone as being confident. Cars.com has used at least a couple of them in earlier ads. This is... not one of the ones I would have picked.

Customer: "I compared gas mileage using their side-by-side comparison tool, and uh, this one would be great."
CGI horror: "Hoo! Yeah baby, let's get those keys and go!"
Salesman: "I'll get the keys."
CGI horror: "Woo!"

Quivering and I were talking about this earlier, actually. Why is it that so many ads try to be funny and so few of them are? We came to the conclusion that most people who are funny enough to write successful jokes for a national ad campaign probably have better things to do with their joke-writing talent than write commercials. There's a reason why Will Ferrell's Old Milwaukee spots have captured attention, and it has a lot to do with the fact that Will Ferrell is way too talented of a comedian to be doing spots for Old Milwaukee.

This ad thinks it is funny. There's no disputing that. But the only thing in the ad that is supposed to be funny is the horrible "confidence" singing. And it's not. I know that humor for most people follows the old Potter Stewart line about pornography - "I know it when I see it" - and so maybe it's futile for me to ask people who think this is funny (and, amazingly, they are out there) why they think it's funny. But I can't for the life of me figure out why this is funny or how it even is supposed to be. It's a creepy bit of CGI singing in falsetto that it wants a car. Who fucking cares? That's really what passes for a joke here?

Here's Ad Age's take on the spot, which they rated as one of the best of the Super Bowl - for real:

The first response to this commercial, in which a second head is singing that he wants this particular car, will be this: WTF? The second will be, "Wait, let's watch that again." Ultimately, this polarizing ad will push viewers into "love it" or "hate it" land with no room in between. The spot is made by the facial expressions of the main head and the singing of the second head—and that song, which will become this year's "Give me back that Filet of Fish." Me? I'm loving it.

Well, he nailed my initial response. And he was right that this is likely to be a love it or hate it ad, though it's still not clear to me why anyone would love it. But watch it again? I could barely stomach watching it a second time to transcribe it for this post. As for the song becoming this year's "Give me back that Filet of Fish" - apparently that's supposed to be a compliment? That singing fish ad made me want to stick my head in an oven. I guess there's no accounting for taste.

This commercial isn't even sure what it's saying, because it's too busy falling all over itself trying to force a terrible joke. So if you go to Cars.com you'll become confident! And that's a good thing! Except that the "facial expressions of the main head," by which "the spot is made," give every indication of being embarrassed by, and somewhat exasperated with, the "confident" singing head. I'm expected to think the creepy second head is a good thing? I don't.

A lot of ads have this problem. They want to make what they hope will be a funny joke, but then apparently they decide to hedge their bets by having the characters in the ad seem weirded out by, or somehow upset with, the source of the joke. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. If you're going to do this shit, you have to sell it. If you want an ad where a guy feels more confident after going on Cars.com and using their comparison tool - great! Do that. If you want an ad where you just do some wacky shit, fine, I guess. Jamming them together is super pointless. Especially when all the comparison tool told the guy is which car gets better gas mileage, which last time I checked is usually one of the first pieces of information stamped on any showroom car anywhere. All we end up with here is an ad where the guy is really confident for no good reason but seems to feel ashamed of that fact. This was supposed to make sense? This was supposed to sell me on Cars.com? It's a lousy pitch even if this spot didn't feature creepy-ass CGI and a "song" that makes me want to stick knitting needles in my ears.

Last year's Cars.com ad, for those of you lucky enough not to remember it, was four "jokes" in thirty seconds. This year's ad is one joke, and it's even less funny than any of those four, all of which were awful. Give Cars.com some credit: they're getting more efficient at making bad jokes.

Full of the milk of human creepiness

If you think about it, if you only include national advertisements, how many brands do you really see ads for on even a yearly basis? I'm guessing it's less than two hundred. And whenever you see an ad for a brand you've never seen an ad for before - especially if it's a product you had heard of despite not seeing any ads - doesn't it always seem a little strange? Like, "Oh, I guess they're advertising now." That's how I felt about this Muscle Milk ad, right after I got done hating the shit out of it.



No.

Host: "So! All-Star left fielder. What's on your mind?"

We're just dropped into this, so there's really no explanation for why the host is such a complete freak show. But if you pretend for a second this is a real show, would Muscle Milk really want to sponsor it?

Ryan Braun: "A female doctor asked me to take my shirt off yesterday... for an eye exam!"

Ladies and gentlemen, the Friar's Club Roast of Ryan Braun's Pecs! Seriously though, is that a zippy one-liner or what? And delivered with such verve!

Host: "Ryan, a little lesson. Life is like a river. But for guys like us, life is like a river that's also a hot tub!"

At this point he pulls his shirt out and rubs his stomach. The guy is in average shape, I guess you'd say, but I think clearly the idea is that he's supposed to be unappealing. Or is it?

Host: "Now! It's clear to me that you drink Muscle Milk after you work out. And you are just going to have to deal with women trying to get into your hot tub river!"

Cut to the guy in a hot tub with two women. Cut back to the guy on the set making a creepy noise. Fin.

I mean, what the fuck was that? Look, Ryan Braun is clearly not an actor, but if that's all you're going to do with him it seems pointless to even have him in the ad. At least he seems like a likable guy, unlike the actual pitchman, although who wouldn't seem like a cool dude next to this lunatic? (By the way: bargain-basement Ed Helms. Tell me I'm wrong.)

This ad is obviously aimed at men, so they don't really care if their attitude towards women is a little questionable. But who is watching this and thinking, "I want to be like that guy! I bet he's a big success with the ladies." No one. And I don't think this guy is supposed to be cool or attractive. Look how confused Braun looks when the guy starts pulling his shirt out. But with that being the case, WHY IS HE YOUR PRIMARY PITCHMAN???? For a product that is trying to associate itself with being hot and in great shape????

The last couple years have seen a lot of products using really unappealing spokespeople. I didn't get it when Toyota did it, I didn't get it when McDonald's did it, and I don't get it now. I mean, obviously this is just supposed to be funny, but (a) it isn't, (b) it's trying way too hard, and (c) the goal, ultimately, should be to sell product, not just be funny. Aside from making you aware of the product's existence, I don't see how this ad moves product. At least in that McDonald's ad, you could imagine people recognizing the main character as an exaggerated version of how they feel in the morning when they haven't had their coffee. Who is going to identify with this shithead? "Muscle Milk: preferred protein shake of creepy guys with hairy stomachs who make gross throaty sounds to indicate they're happy with something!" Yeah, uh, pass.

The vegetarian's nightmare: sentient produce

Jewel-Osco is the branch of Albertson's that exists here in the Chicagoland area. YouTube suggests that this ad runs in all their markets with the different store names subbed in, but this is the one I've seen so this is the one I'm posting. I'm also posting it because GODDAMN is it creepy.


(NOTE: This is now a version of the ad that was used in Albertson's markets, since the original vanished from YouTube. I haven't otherwise edited the post text.)

Here is what the description says on YouTube (emphasis mine): "By popular request, here is our newest TV commercial featuring our lovable Fruits & Vegetables! Enjoy!"

Okay: I cannot believe that people actually called, or e-mailed, or whatever the fucked Jewel-Osco and demanded that this commercial go up on YouTube. I mean: this commercial? I'm not sure I can think of ten more boring ads in existence. It's not like it's funny, or raunchy, or even particularly interesting - the reason ads usually get posted online. If you read the comments on YouTube, people seem to be talking mostly about how much they like the song - which is appropriate, since it's a cover of "Fresh" by Kool and the Gang, a song that was a top ten hit... in 1985. Of course, it's pretty obvious that most of the people commenting on this ad weren't born yet in 1985, so that probably explains a lot.

Lovable fruits and vegetables, though? That is weird. That is creepy. Some (though certainly not all) vegetarians don't eat meat in part because they can't bear the thought of a living animal being slaughtered for their consumption. What kind of heartless bastard tries to freak them out by making their vegetables (and fruit) into a singing, dancing nightmare straight out of the uncanny valley?

Honestly, look at these things. They're fucking terrifying.

By the way, sloppy bagging job, whoever.

I'm not sure what exactly it is that creeps me out so much, although it might be the lack of noses on the faces of the fruits and vegetables. Or maybe it's just THE FACES ON THE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES. Good Lord. This is a crime against nature.

But is that the weirdest part of the ad? Not quite. It's more the way the fruits and vegetables are gleefully singing about THEIR IMMINENT DEMISE. There are other commercials out there like that (see this post and my comment below it), and sure, it's weirder when it's animals practically begging you to eat them. But this isn't much better. I mean, think about the contrast of some of the shots in this commercial for a second.

"Ba ba ba, we're the singing tomatoes... we're hanging in the store just singing our song..."



"OH DEAR GOD WE'VE BEEN CHOPPED IN HALF AND OUR INSIDES ARE VISIBLE! THIS IS LIKE THE WORST KIND OF MEDIEVAL TORTURE!"



"Peppers / just a bunch of singing peppers / what in this life could be better / than to be a singing pepper..."



"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY THEY CUT OFF THE TOP OF OUR HEADS AND STUFFED US WITH RICE!!! WHAT KIND OF CRUEL GOD ALLOWS THIS TO HAPPEN???"

There's always room for creepiness

I've talked before about how much I hate it when advertisers of products that are really geared toward children try desperately to pitch them to adults instead. Well, it probably shouldn't surprise anyone to see this, since Jell-O is a Kraft brand.



First of all, dude, you're an adult. Buy a big tub of whatever brand of chocolate pudding strikes your fancy and eat out of it to your heart's content. By no means are you confined to eating from tiny little two-ounce or whatever pudding cups.

Second of all, "pudding face" is goddamn horrifying and I can't believe Jell-O built an entire campaign around it in the hopes that this would move product. I first came into contact with this campaign via their series of horrible billboards which, I assure you, are like 500 times creepier than this ad is.



These things are fucking terrifying. This is apparently supposed to represent happiness? Unrestrained joy? Guess what, Crispin Porter + Bogusky (yeah, I know, who would have believed they'd be behind another terrible ad campaign) - that's not what I think of! The guy on the right looks like a serial killer. The kids on the left look like evil ventriloquist dummies from some creepy B-movie.

But hey, we're here to talk about this TV ad. So I guess we might as well.

Daughter: "Didn't we have some Jell-O pudding?"

I know this is just something commercials do, and I can't expect them not to, but: no one says the complete brand name of a product out loud like this. Ever.

Daughter: "Dad? Did you eat my Jell-O pudding?"

Did you buy it with your own money? When did this go from "hey, we had some of this product in the house, right?" to "IT IS MINE WHO TOUCHED IT?"

Dad [unconvincingly]: "No."
[Daughter walks over and pulls the paper away from his face.]
Daughter: "Pudding face!"
Dad: "No... I'm just... happy."
Mom: "Only pudding gives you pudding face."

Fuck you, Kraft, you editorializing pieces of shit. Your shitty products are not this good. Also, this guy? Does not look happy. He looks absolutely miserable, but with a grotesque forced smile wrought across his face. Jell-O pudding is apparently now a Batman villain.

Dad: "I'm sorry."
Son: "You don't look sorry."
Dad: "You're right, I'm not."

"Maybe because I paid for that fucking pudding. You hear me, grade schoolers? If I want your pudding I'm going to eat it and you're not gonna say shit." Honestly, what is Crispin Porter's obsession with trying to turn adults into the Trix rabbit? If, for some reason, adults want to eat the mediocre pudding you've been pitching to children since time immemorial, and if you're trying to sell it to them for that purpose, why is the pitch here seemingly intended to shame the adult for eating a kids' snack? Do you want me to buy it or not, assholes?

Announcer: "Get your pudding face on with oh-so-cool and irresistible Jell-O pudding."

Uh, Jell-O? You don't really get to take credit for the pudding being "cool." That's the refrigerator's job.

Obviously I don't expect Jell-O to under-pitch their product. But when you go way, way overboard, that's just annoying. Of course, that isn't nearly as big of a problem as is the fact that there is nothing even remotely appealing about "pudding face." It sounds awful. The way this spot treats it as a scarlet letter is bizarrely counterintuitive. And, most damningly, it looks awful. This is, seemingly, a condition to which I should aspire! I should want that horrible, contorted grin that looks more like the result of weeks of Clockwork Orange-style torture than the result of eating something delicious to be plastered across my face. I mean, what, was Crispin Porter so upset that Burger King phased out the King that they decided they were going to get something even creepier on the air? If so, I'm scared to think what kind of ads we're going to see when "pudding face" inevitably runs its course.

Worst threesome ever

Oh, the awkwardness of high school reunions. Being forced to make small talk with people you haven't seen in decades... getting hit on by old classmates who are like totally bald now... having old friends surreptitiously unzip your clothes... you know, all the normal stuff.



I think there's a reason we don't normally see Coldwater Creek ads on television.

Man: "Sooo... are you seeing anyone?"
Woman: "I'm married."

Boom! In your face, guy! Guy who has not at all been calculatedly paired to make this already quite-attractive-for-her-mid-40s woman look even better than she does by virtue of being balding and awkward!

Man: "Oh!"
Woman: "Yeah."
Man: "Lucky fella."
Woman: *chuckles patronizingly*

Why is either of them still standing there at this point? Really, why was this entire first exchange even necessary, other than to fill time?

Woman 2: "Oh, my - Jennifer?"
Woman: "Elizabeth?"

"We're wearing nametags that identify us, so I'm not sure why we sound so shocked."

Woman 2: "You look amazing! And this dress, wow! It is so good to see you!"

Then, while distracting Woman 1 with her uncomfortably long hug and thoroughly pat small talk, Woman 2 fucking unzips Woman 1's dress so she can look at the tag to see what brand it is.

I mean, this isn't a thing that happens, right? No one would ever do this. And why would they? You could, you know, ASK WHAT BRAND THE DRESS IS. The person who bought it is right in front of you. Or is that an etiquette faux pas? Even if it is, is it more of an etiquette faux pas than unzipping someone's clothes while they're wearing them? I say no!

And then Woman 2 just walks away without saying anything else, while the guy stands there with a look on his face suggesting he's totally going to be using that hug as the starting point for some furious masturbation in his lonely Holiday Inn Express room later that night.

I guess the ad does an okay job of getting the brand across by the way it just plops it on the screen at the end there, but really this whole thing is just forced and uncomfortable, to say nothing of the fact that it seems like it was pulled directly from an unaired sitcom pilot from the year 1997. The overall pitch - "Hey, 40-something ladies, prepare to wow everyone at your 25th high school reunion" - makes sense enough, but could it have been executed more questionably? I doubt it.

If eating this sub takes longer than four hours, consult a physician

I saw a version of this ad on TV and thought it was dumb, but not horrible. However, I didn't see the version linked by an anonymous commenter on our last post. Dear God.



What is the thinking behind an ad like this? I mean, I guess if you read the YouTube comments there are a lot of people who think it's hilarious, but what awful commercial isn't that true of?

Oven: "Scott, I want you to do something."
Scott: "Not doing that again. That burned."
Oven: "We both enjoyed that."

Hey, how can we shoot this so that it has absolutely no alternate explanation whatsoever? What if Scott were to look down at his crotch as he delivers his line? That should do it.

Oven: "Now I want you to introduce my greatest creation, the new Toasty Torpedo."
Scott: "The new Toasty Torpedo?"

Dude. You are holding one in your hand! You are in the process of eating it! How do you not know what it is? On the other hand, this guy stuck his wang into a 400-degree oven. He's probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Oven: "Yes, Scott. You make one."
Scott: "Me?"

Yeah, pretty stupid. There's no one else around, idiot. And thank God for you there isn't, or you'd probably get fired for ejaculating into a machine used for food preparation.

Oven: "Put it in me, Scott."

Can they even air this? Jesus. This makes that Arby's hat-boner ad look like it was made in 1890s Vienna. Why would you make an ad like this? Most of the people who think it's soooo hilarious probably would have tried the sub anyway; meanwhile, I can tell you that I was tempted to try it... until I saw this ad. Now you can fucking forget it. Because if I'm going out for a sandwich, I don't have any desire to think of my lunch as a surrogate penis. For that matter, I don't want to think of the oven that's heating my lunch as a sentient being that derives sexual pleasure from sandwiches going through it.

Oven: "It's over a foot of Quizno's flavor on slim, sleek ciabatta for only four dollars. Say it, Scott."
Scott: "Only four dollars?"
Oven: "Say it sexy."

God, enough. Real subtle hand pushing the sandwich into the wrapper, also. I'm going to ask again: why do you want me to associate your sandwich with a penis? Is this really going to be good for business?

The version that I saw aired is also the version that you find if you go to the website to "take the test" as the ad dictates. In it, Scott says "I'm not rubbing you with that shammy again," and doesn't look down at his own mangled junk. That's fine. And the oven says "I'm waiting for it" instead, which is still kind of gross but more excusable in context. Even the "say it sexy" line (changed to "say it with passion") might have been forgivable if they'd just done it that way. But no, they had to "get people talking," so they did a whole version in which the sandwich they want you to eat is the product of a filthy, secret relationship between the oven and this dude. No thanks.

Possibly the worst commercial ever made

It's hard to define the "worst commercial ever made." But I think I would suggest that some good qualifications for the title would be (a) being incredibly unfunny; (b) featuring things that no human would ever say; and (c) being really creepy. Congratulations, AT&T: the only way this ad could have been worse is if it were also racist.



Black guy's thumbs: "Funny is knocking at the door, and he wants to partay!"

This is not funny. It is not something anyone would ever say to indicate that they found something funny. And good God, those thumbs with the faces on them are creepy as fuck.

Nerdy white guy's thumbs: "That's insanium in the cranium, dawg!"

Kill me.

Goth girl's thumbs: "I'm laughing on the dark, abysmal inside. Heh heh."

Ugh. Hey, goths like dark things! You knew that, right? Please let this end.

Guy with a hat's thumbs: "Shake your funny-maker. Shake it. Shake it hard."

I would like to shake the person who wrote this ad hard. And slap them across the face a few times.

Blonde woman's thumbs: "If they bottled that kind of funny, I'd buy it! Hilarity, by Daryl."

The bottled version of this ad: "Crippling Head Pain, by AT&T."

Announcer: "How would you say LOL?"

Not any of those ways, not in a million years. And neither would anyone else. Ever.

Announcer: "With a full keyboard, it's easier to text it how you say it."

Oh God. That's the point of this ad? That is all you were using this ridiculous bullshit to sell? Guess what - even with a full keyboard on a computer, when I indicate that something is funny, I might type the onomatopoeia of a laugh. I would not, in a jillion fucking years, write that something funny my friend said was "insanium in the cranium," and anyone who would should immediately be euthanized for the good of humanity.

More importantly, why did they have to use the horrible, creepy talking thumbs? God, they're awful. This ad was written, produced, looked at by probably dozens of people, and apparently not one of them said "This is really awful" or "This isn't funny at all" or "Those thumbs look like garbage and they're terrifying" or anything. Or, which would be worse, these things were said and AT&T just figured that the public at large will laugh at anything. Based on the YouTube comments, it seems like that might be true. Gag.

Ad out of hell

I've got an idea. Let's pitch our product apparently aimed at teenagers by using a parody of a 30-year-old rock song about losing one's virginity.



How long do you think it took Meat Loaf to agree to do this ad? Five seconds? Two seconds? "So, let's see, you'll pay me to appear in the ad, and then I'll also get residuals because you're using a parody of my song? 'Let me sleep on it!!!' Heh, you guys get it? That's a line in the song. I'm just fucking with you, let's make it happen."

I would like to know what Tiffany is doing there. For one thing, she's 24 years younger than Meat Loaf, making her an unlikely candidate to be that kid's mom (although she's 20 years older than the actor, Adam Cagley, which just makes it not really creepy to cast her in that role). For another, why is she there? Okay, they needed a female vocalist, but she has virtually nothing to do in the 30-second version of the spot, which AT&T had to know was the only one that was going to air in any real capacity. Even in the interminable 90-second version that exists online, she basically has one line to sing. You could have paid a session singer to record the line and some extra to mouth it; I'm guessing that would have been cheaper. On the other hand, maybe Tiffany's presence will be used to justify a spinoff ad featuring the parody song "I Want a GoPhone Now."

Here's another question: why is this kid so pissed off? Or, more importantly, why did the writer(s) of this ad make him so pissed off? We've never seen you before, guy. We have no idea how many times you've asked for a GoPhone, nor do we give a shit. Calm down. Really, he just sounds whiny and annoying; this should have been a parody of Caddyshack where Ted Knight growls at him, "You'll get nothing and like it!" (If they can make Fred Astaire dance with a vacuum cleaner, they can drop Ted Knight into this ad rather than exhuming the career of a pop music footnote like Tiffany.)

Finally, the transposition of lyrics in the parody just creeps me out, in particular the kid's promise to love his dad until the end of time - you may recall from the song that this is a promise Meat Loaf makes so that his (presumably virginal) girlfriend will let him fuck her. So yeah, that's totally appropriate. We might need a commercial featuring "I Would Do Anything for a GoPhone (But I Won't Do That)," just to clear things up.

Just when you thought it was safe to wake up in the morning

If you'd asked me, a few weeks ago, if I thought there was any way Burger King could have made their King mascot creepier, I would have told you, "Absolutely no chance whatsoever." You have to admit, the King was already probably the creepiest corporate mascot in television history, so improving upon that would be difficult. But, by God, Burger King took up that challenge, and damned if they didn't succeed with flying colors.



Holy shit. Are you serious? I appreciate that the commercial's protagonist - I use that word as loosely as it can possibly be used - seems to be as weirded out by the King-Bot as I'm sure everyone watching is, but I don't even get the concept behind this, really. What exactly makes cramming a bunch of breakfasty crap into a single wrap so "futuristic"? It seems more like a throwback to the Great Depression. "We can only afford six strips of bacon a month, so we've got to make them last. Let's toss one into this egg-and-potato thing I've got going, and it'll seem like way more food!" Also, smoky cheese sauce for breakfast? I think I'm going to be ill.

Then there's the fact that the King-Bot apparently doubles as some kind of marital aid for Ms. Purple-Hair. Would you want to drink coffee that magically appeared with a point of his finger, armed with that piece of information?

From the makers of Dr. Frankenstein's Throat Lozenges....

Having trouble bringing the deceased back to life? Well, the answer's here: Theraflu.


Hey, it doesn't just clear your sinuses. Check out this info from the Theraflu Warming Relief bottle:

Uses
- temporarily relieves:
- minor aches and pains - headache - runny nose - loss of life - unending purgatory - ancient curse compelling you to walk the streets as a miserable specter for eternity - minor throat pain

Seriously, are we talking about a cold and flu symptom medication, or are we talking about some miracle drug that can raise the dead? And if you are in possession of such a product, do you really keep it in your kitchen cabinet, next to the plates?

It's a curious ad. And at first the image of the demon cat didn't make a lot of sense to me, then I read the bottle label more closely:

Directions
- do not use more than directed
- adults and children 12 years of age or older: take 2 tablespoons
- bring offerings forth to the sacred Red Cat God before ingesting dose
- do not take more than 6 doses in 24 hours (unless Red Cat God decrees it)

Theraflu. Good to be back.... from the fiery depths of Hell!

Chewable aphrodisiac

Some "historical hate" here in the form of a several year-old Dentyne gum ad:



Let me list off what's deeply concerning about this commercial:
1. The idea that cinnamon gum (something you put in your mouth) makes you want to have spontaneous sex
2. Having spontaneous sex (no matter how gum-inspired) in front of your parents
3. Acting nonchalant when your daughter is ripping off her boyfriend's clothes in your living room
4. Getting turned on by the sight of your daughter furiously making out with her boyfriend
5. Having spontaneous sex (no matter how gum-inspired) in front of your kids
6. Patently orgasmic "Oh, Kevin!!" scream at end of commercial

I think if you take those 6 things away, you've got yourself a pretty good commercial. Or at least you have a commercial that isn't fundamentally disturbing.

I did a little digging around on the internets, and I found a proprietary document from the former Dentyne Brand Manager. I probably shouldn't be posting this, and I can't reveal how exactly I found it, but I think this helps explain the commercial for those of us who were left a little confused. Here's the info, from a Word file titled "HowToMakeGoodAdsLikeDentyne's.doc":

9 Steps to Great, Hysterical Commercials
Step 1: Fire ad agency
Step 2: Assemble focus group of 13 year-old boys (suggestion: use beer as payment)
Step 3: Ask boys what they think is funny and/or cool
Step 4: Select very first idea as your "ad concept"
Step 5: Take idea home, drink fifth of whiskey, write commercial script, pass out
Step 6: Wake up on bathroom floor, fish script out of trash
Step 7: Without editing script, drive to shoot, make ad
Step 8: Wait for ad to be uploaded on YouTube, laugh at "hilarious" comments posted by other 13 year-olds who don't necessarily buy your product
Step 9: Once sales have plummeted, find new job, repeat steps 1-8

Illuminating, no? Really helps put my mind at ease. Makes you wonder if the guy(s) who made this Dentyne commercial didn't have a hand in some other ads featured on this site...

Pierce uses everybody.

This is so blatantly manipulative that I'm surprised that it isn't an SNL parody commercial.



If the kid is savvy enough to know that she should whisper the line "He's making a lot more money," I don't for a second believe that she's simperingly naïve enough to refer to the website as "this thing called SalesGenie.com" (which her mommy "gave" to her father) rather than saying "my mommy told my daddy about a website called SalesGenie.com." She's gonna be a sleazy snake oil peddler when she grows up, just like dad!

Does the salesman look familiar to you? Remember this?



Say, little lady, does your mommy know that your daddy is running around on her? Did she see the generic blonde getting out of your daddy's sports car in the last three seconds of the commercial? And to add insult to injury, does your mommy know that your daddy is passing off SalesGenie as his own "work smarter" idea, instead of telling his young protegé that his wife bailed his ass out of the ignominious hell of low-tier salesmanship?

Also, he's just rolled up in a burgundy SUV. Did he sell the sports car to cover his ass? Wait a minute, that white gabled house isn't even the same McMansion we saw in the last commercial! He's got a whole other secret life.

Sorry, I got distracted by the details. Psst, kid, the audience might not have heard how excited you are about the puppies, and that's the money shot. Say it again! "Puppy! Puppy!" Then again, there *are* two of them. Maybe I'm being too cynical and she's just showing off her puppy counting abilities.

1-900-PRICELINE

I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek; William Shatner does almost no unironic acting these days. But even so:



Ew. Sexualizing hotel prices isn't as creepy as sexualizing food, but it's still just awful, no matter how funny it was supposed to be. William Shatner cracking out his bedroom voice? His wizened hand sliding over the woman's as smooth jazz plays? I guess Priceline's secret price-lowering tactic is just to creep hotel staff out until they cave in.

Shatner: So... I got a guy who needs a hotel room.
Clerk: It's $200 a night.
Shatner: You seem a little tense. What if I were to give you a relaxing shoulder massage? Hmm? I brought my own oil...
Clerk: Jesus, okay, $99 a night. Just don't touch me.