Sunday, January 20, 2008

Your mom thinks you're special.

Click here and view the commercial to the left of the screen.

What this commercial for the Buxton Over-the-Shoulder Organizer reminds me of is a grade school Invention Fair, where starry-eyed eight year olds show you two ketchup bottles and a salt shaker taped together, convinced that they've achieved the pinnacle of condiment engineering.

[ring ring]

Ohhhhhh nooooo! Can't find your phone in that cluttered handbag? Searching for those house keys again! Do you have to dig and dump to find what you're looking for?

Oh ho ho boy! This must be that over-the-shoulder expandable organizer I've heard so much about! It sounds so innovative! Will it be a hybrid wallet and vertical file system with color-coded tabs? And zippers! Zippers that you can label! I'm right, right?

Then you need the over-the-shoulder expandable organizer! From Buxton, makers of fine leather goods since 1898!

Okay, so what you're actually pushing here is a purse. A purse with pockets. Very nice, Billy. You get a gold star.

It's the biggest, little bag ever! [inappropriate comma placement theirs] That holds it all, and keeps it organized! [sentence fragment, also theirs] So you find what you need, in a flash! Crafted of supple, gen-you-WINE leather!

I like it when purses are hawked to me by carnival barkers.

The Buxton organizer has this outer pouch for your phone! You'll never miss a call again! Don't lug around a heavy tote! Watch!! As the Buxton organizer turns this jumbled mess into an organized success!

I don't think you need to have taken a chemistry class to understand that you're not making the bag any lighter than the "heavy tote," unless the argument is that a leather handbag is lighter than a canvas tote bag. All you're doing is rearranging your mess into a differently-shaped mess.

And it's expandable! Store two regular sized water bottles, AND an umbrella!

This'll be great for when I go on safari!

Amazing! With the Buxton organizer, you're hands-free, making travel a breeze and shopping a pleasure!

If there's anything that women hate, it's shopping. Thank god this purse came along to change all that. I mean, this over-the-shoulder expandable organizer.

Look! A regular handbag can get stolen! But, with Buxton organizer's adjustable shoulder strap, it's always secure!

Any bag can get stolen. The only difference here is that the woman is still wearing the handbag while she sits at the table (very comfortable) rather than hanging it on the back of her chair. This is a change in behavior, not a magic handbag. If she didn't leave her purse hanging behind her where she couldn't see it, like a dumbass, she wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.

There's a special wallet compartment for easy reach, and handy slots for your credit cards!

At this point, the commercial lists all of the things that you could put into pockets. Credit cards, business cards, parking stubs, appointment cards, coupons, driver's license, social security card. Why stop there? Three nickels! Five cigarettes! A pack of gum! Your dignity!

By the way, social security card in your everyday purse is a no-no. Take that piece of advice as a freebie from the AdWizards, Buxton.

You'll be so organized, you can even find what you need with a blindfold! You could pay over a hundred dollars for a similar designer bag! Get the Buxton organizer in gen-you-WINE leather for only $19.95!

Wow, lady, that cheap-ass purse sure goes great with your BUSINESS SUIT.

There's more! [promo for a digital voice recorder, which incidentally retails two for $9.99 at your neighborhood Walgreens]

My point is, if it's a great purse, by all means just tell us it's a great purse, which happens to have a bunch of pockets and an an adjustable strap that can be worn over the shoulder or cross-body. You haven't reinvented the wheel, so you damn sure didn't need to take four times as a long as a regular commercial to promote your product.


Quivering P. Landmass said...

Do you really need a digital voice recorder to remember 3 things at the grocery store? Those of us who grew up with Sesame Street don't seem to have a problem:

Andrew N.P. said...

The sad part is, this is a nice purse. It could even be the handiest handbag you'll ever buy. (And I'm copyrighting that phrase.) But because they never call it what it is, I feel like Buxton is trying to deceive me somehow, like there's some reason they can't legally call it a purse.

c12h22o11 said...

If you copyright that phrase, I'd like the handbag to be shaped like an actual hand.

Anonymous said...

I actually bought the Buxton over the shoulder organizer. It is black and is the worst purse investment that I have ever made. It is poorly designed. The bottom of the purse easily expands but the opening is so small that almost nothing fits into it with ease. Well, it is actually a little better now that I ripped out the cheap lining that has the holders for my social security card and birth certificate...Now I can at least get something in it without getting caught on them. As for the 2 bottles of water and the umbrella...prove it! Mine does not fit jack sh*t in it. Can barley fit my hands into it to retrieve anything that you happen to get in it. The check book holder only works if you do not have a cover on it. The outside pocket does open easily that you could say it is automatic. Every time that I open my purse, the outside pocket unzips itself and everything easily falls out. Basically, it could be said....this purse sucks! If you want to try one for free, you can have mine, just pay shipping. I could not imagine charging anyone for this thing. I did not get the handy little message recorder so you will have to either buy one or learn how to write yourself a list.

c12h22o11 said...

Wow, that sounds like a disappointing purchase :\ It honestly looked okay in and of itself in the ad.