Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Funf

Here's what gets me about SkyMall product descriptions: no matter how insane or useless something is, the writers are unwaveringly earnest. They have zero sense of humor - they just try to sell, sell, sell.

So, who's the bigger fool, the one who writes stupid copy for SkyMall, or the one who snarkily blogs about them? I guess you can decide for yourself.

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Here's a new one for those of you who enjoy the lack of self-respect that comes with wearing a muumuu, but wish there were something that kept you a little warmer....

Yes, someone has created a product called a "Slanket." Before anyone gets any ideas, that name is already trademarked. Apparently the Slanket people have chosen for their model the nerdiest man on the planet, and they pictured him hanging out completely alone, possibly talking to himself, at what appears to be Fenway Park. I know they're illustrating the "outdoor use," but can you see someone wearing that in front of tens of thousands of people?

Also, when you give your product a name like "Slanket," I think you cannot reasonably expect consumers to order it in colors like "Blue Limoges," "Moss Green," or "Pink Lavender." Those are a little haughty even for Martha Stewart.

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I like candy, but sometimes I really want to feel like I've earned it....

Everybody Loves The Arcade "Claw" Machine!

Oh, yeah. Everybody loved that thing. That's what the kids were lining up for at Chuck E. Cheese. Wasting quarter after quarter not winning prizes? That was so much more fun than, like, actual video games that lasted more than five seconds.

Maneuver the claw to grab a treat and move it to the chute before the music stops!

It sounds like so much fun! I love games where I maneuver claws and drop things down chutes under a time limit.

Teachers and parents love to use it to reward a job well done.

Or, if The Sweet Machine is anything like actual arcade claw machines, NOT reward a job well done.

Simply the best gift idea ever!

Simply the most comically absurd overstatement from SkyMall ever!

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This next item is up for the championship round in an online SkyMall Madness useless product tournament. Not hard to see why....

When you only need to know what day it is

Let me tell you something. If you're someone who only needs to know what day it is, you're going to need a lot more than a Day Clock. Like, for instance, a Month Clock. Or a clock that tells you who's President. Or maybe a clock that tells you if you're a man or a woman. This kind of stuff can all be easy to forget.

I'd like to know what kind of pot-addled high-school dropout uses this Day Clock. How would it come into play? "Oh man, what day... is -- oh, wait, it's only Tuesday? Dude, I wasn't planning on waking up until Friday..."

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I believe in fire safety, but I need my fire escapes to be convenient and discreet....

"Be careful jumping the windowsill onto that flimsy rope ladder, three year-old daughter! Mommy will be safely on the ground waiting for you!"

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Designed for the horticulture-inclined Cryptozoologist...

Reader Tyler also pointed out this gem. What's key about Big Foot Garden Sculpture is not its unblushing ugliness, but rather the fact that it's two feet tall. Who cares if it has big feet at that point? This is a pygmy Yeti!

Finely hand-painted for startling realism

Startling realism if you lack depth perception. And what is there to finely hand-paint here? It's all ape-brown!

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Hey, if Barbie can use a toy bank card, then so can responsible adults!

Sound effects make it fun to save money!

Yep. That's my main motivation for having savings. Awesome sound effects.

When coins or bills are deposited, this savings bank adds them up!

Does it also add up the interest you're not getting by keeping your money in a plastic piggy bank rather than a savings account?

Like a real bank, it won't allow overdraws, and the "vault" is protected by a combination lock.

Except that most real banks allow overdraws (they just charge you a massive fee for them), and their vaults are protected by laser security systems, cameras and armed guards.

The best part about this product was that it was nowhere near the kids section in the catalog. This is seriously marketed towards grown adults. I wonder how many ATM Bank owners have ever kept more money inside the "vault" than the $30 they spent on the product itself ?

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I hope I don't have to fly anywhere again soon. I think the Spring SkyMall is about to be issued, and I just don't think I can handle it.