You've probably seen other ads in this series, wherein the brooms and mops try to win the women back (only women do housework, by the way) with flowers and candy. The woman in this ad, however, apparently used to use that broom for more than just sweeping up dust.
Voiceover: "Once you switch to Swiffer Sweeper Vac, you'll never go back to your old broom again."
Next on Maury: "You're no good (at picking up dirt), so I'm leaving you (for a Swiffer Sweeper Vac)!"
[the woman sees a trail of rose petals leading outside]
It was kind of stupid of the broom to make a mess on the floor that would demonstrate how much better the Swiffer Sweeper Vac was, right? What a fool for love.
[the woman looks outside; the broom is sitting in a candle-ringed hot tub; "Baby Come Back" starts playing]
God, this is so gross. It's one thing to have a broom sending flowers; you can just write that off as "the broom is trying to win back her attention by doing something nice." But there is no way to interpret this ad other than "the broom wants her to hop into that hot tub for a nice, bristly makeout session."
[the woman gives a "Really? I don't think so" look, then closes the door]
How did the broom manage to set all that stuff up, given his lack of hands? Also, how did he light all those candles, considering that his head is extremely flammable?
Voiceover: "Swiffer Sweeper Vac does it all. Its powerful vacuum picks up the big stuff, and Swiffer dry cloths trap and lock dirt and dust better than a broom, or your money back! Guaranteed."
Right on. Last chance, broom.
[the woman stands by the sliding door; the broom is outside in a towel; in the last second of the ad, the towel drops to the floor]
How can they get away with showing this filthy broom nudity to our children during prime time?
Historically, broom handles have had some association with female masturbation. (In his book The Botany of Desire, Michael Pollan suggests that the association between witches and flight on broomsticks comes from witches using the end of a broomstick to vaginally apply a special hallucinogenic plant mixture that enabled them to "fly" metaphorically.) So, really, what is the fucking deal with this ad? Implying a past sexual relationship between a woman and her broom is creepy territory for an ad, but perhaps the biggest problem is that it's not quite as farfetched as all that. Does the broom want her to "remember the good times" (when they used to get it on in the hot tub) or is he trying to "win her back" (by getting it on in the hot tub)? Either way, even the most cursory amount of analysis leads to nothing good. This honestly didn't occur to anyone at the agency?
Also, if an actual ex-boyfriend did anything like what this broom is doing, how fast would the cops be called? Five seconds after she looked out the door the first time?
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Square one
Oh, Wendy's. When you mercifully abandoned the red wig campaign, I was right there with you. And when you introduced your new ad campaign and some people didn't like it, I backed you up. But here you are, backsliding into the realm of lazy comedy. If you can even call what follows "comedy."
[Wendy sticks an "I *heart* BACON" button on the screen]
Is anyone else sensing the crushing irony here?
Woman: "This salad is really good, you want a bite?"
All right! Score a point for Wendy's. They have salads, which are actually pretty decent alternatives from a health standpoint if you find yourself with little more than fast food options for lunch. In fact, the healthy-living site SparkPeople recently posted an article about healthy choices at the major fast-food joints and specifically cited Wendy's Mandarin Chicken Salad. But I'm confused - why the bacon button to lead a commercial about healthy salads? Uh oh.
Man: "No, no, thank you, I'm a meatatarian."
This isn't The OED Wizards, so I'm going to ignore the improper etymological construction of that fake word (except to note it here so everyone can see how smart I am) and focus more on the fact that Wendy's thinks this is funny. What a concept! A guy who - I'm going to presume before even transcribing any more of the ad - only eats meat, and consequently rejects vegetables. Wendy's: We may have really good salads... if you're some kind of girl. By the way, if this concept seems a bit familiar, that's because it kind of is.
Woman: [extremely long pause, during which she isn't sure whether to be incredulous or disgusted and opts instead for near-total blankness]: "A what?"
Man: "A meatatarian? I only eat meat - beef, bacon? You know, meatatarian?"
I hate you. What is it with Wendy's and these horrible smug pitchmen? Really, I hate the entire trope - recognizable from those appalling Comcast ads - of pretending that a word you just made up is actually a common English word and that the person in the ad who doesn't recognize it is a moron. It's a lazy joke and insults the intelligence of the audience. Plus the dialogue here isn't tremendously logical - the guy clearly eats cheese and wheat, two things that are not meat products. And when he says "I only eat meat - beef, bacon," is it because those are the only two meats he eats, because he thinks those are the only two meats in existence, or because he thinks the woman is so stupid that she needs examples of meat listed off for her? For that matter, why don't they just have the guy say he's a Baconatarian if they're going to do it this way? For that matter, this guy is a fucking jerkoff.
Woman: "...oh."
Man: "It's a personal choice. You have to commit to it, you know?"
Yeah, by all means, commit to eating 830 calories in sandwich form at every meal. We can also see that he has fries and a drink on the table (two other things that are not meat). Assuming that's a medium fries and a medium Sprite, he has 1450 calories in front of him, 71 grams of fat (26 saturated), 142 grams of carbohydrates and 2,290 milligrams of sodium. Recommended intakes vary, but that's around 100% of your fat (and saturated fat) and sodium, and between 60 and 70 percent of your calories. In one sitting. Then, of course, you have to have dinner. The meatatarian's dinner? Another Baconator, presumably. I guess this is all right if you're Don Gorske, but that's 2900 calories from two square-burger meals (haw!), far too much for the average adult.
Other things that this guy should commit to:
* An exercise program
* Saving up for quintuple-bypass surgery
* Making out his will
Wendy: "The Wendy's Baconator. Six strips of hickory smoked bacon, on two quarter-pound patties of fresh, never frozen beef. It's waaaay better than fast food. It's Wendy's."
I guess if you're going to be eating this horribly, you might as well do it at Wendy's. That's not exactly an endorsement.
Wendy: "Have a way better shake way later. Enjoy a hand-spun Frosty shake late at night."
Top off that Baconator with a chocolate shake! Even the small is another 410 calories. I know that railing against how bad fast food is for you is pretty old at this point, and not exactly the mission of this site, but even the stupidest ads that are just stupid aren't as offensive as the kind that pitch 1500-calorie meals as a "lifestyle choice," even if it's intended as humor. (It's not like Wendy's doesn't want you eating at Wendy's all the time. "What are you, here for another Baconator? I don't think so, pal. Go home and have some fresh fruit." And given that they effectively mocked their own healthier choices within this ad... well, it makes you wonder, doesn't it?)
To get back to straight ad criticism, the animated Wendy's hand reaching for the for-real shake really creeps me the fuck out, especially because she's wearing an outfit that today is only seen on circus clowns.
[Wendy sticks an "I *heart* BACON" button on the screen]
Is anyone else sensing the crushing irony here?
Woman: "This salad is really good, you want a bite?"
All right! Score a point for Wendy's. They have salads, which are actually pretty decent alternatives from a health standpoint if you find yourself with little more than fast food options for lunch. In fact, the healthy-living site SparkPeople recently posted an article about healthy choices at the major fast-food joints and specifically cited Wendy's Mandarin Chicken Salad. But I'm confused - why the bacon button to lead a commercial about healthy salads? Uh oh.
Man: "No, no, thank you, I'm a meatatarian."
This isn't The OED Wizards, so I'm going to ignore the improper etymological construction of that fake word (except to note it here so everyone can see how smart I am) and focus more on the fact that Wendy's thinks this is funny. What a concept! A guy who - I'm going to presume before even transcribing any more of the ad - only eats meat, and consequently rejects vegetables. Wendy's: We may have really good salads... if you're some kind of girl. By the way, if this concept seems a bit familiar, that's because it kind of is.
Woman: [extremely long pause, during which she isn't sure whether to be incredulous or disgusted and opts instead for near-total blankness]: "A what?"
Man: "A meatatarian? I only eat meat - beef, bacon? You know, meatatarian?"
I hate you. What is it with Wendy's and these horrible smug pitchmen? Really, I hate the entire trope - recognizable from those appalling Comcast ads - of pretending that a word you just made up is actually a common English word and that the person in the ad who doesn't recognize it is a moron. It's a lazy joke and insults the intelligence of the audience. Plus the dialogue here isn't tremendously logical - the guy clearly eats cheese and wheat, two things that are not meat products. And when he says "I only eat meat - beef, bacon," is it because those are the only two meats he eats, because he thinks those are the only two meats in existence, or because he thinks the woman is so stupid that she needs examples of meat listed off for her? For that matter, why don't they just have the guy say he's a Baconatarian if they're going to do it this way? For that matter, this guy is a fucking jerkoff.
Woman: "...oh."
Man: "It's a personal choice. You have to commit to it, you know?"
Yeah, by all means, commit to eating 830 calories in sandwich form at every meal. We can also see that he has fries and a drink on the table (two other things that are not meat). Assuming that's a medium fries and a medium Sprite, he has 1450 calories in front of him, 71 grams of fat (26 saturated), 142 grams of carbohydrates and 2,290 milligrams of sodium. Recommended intakes vary, but that's around 100% of your fat (and saturated fat) and sodium, and between 60 and 70 percent of your calories. In one sitting. Then, of course, you have to have dinner. The meatatarian's dinner? Another Baconator, presumably. I guess this is all right if you're Don Gorske, but that's 2900 calories from two square-burger meals (haw!), far too much for the average adult.
Other things that this guy should commit to:
* An exercise program
* Saving up for quintuple-bypass surgery
* Making out his will
Wendy: "The Wendy's Baconator. Six strips of hickory smoked bacon, on two quarter-pound patties of fresh, never frozen beef. It's waaaay better than fast food. It's Wendy's."
I guess if you're going to be eating this horribly, you might as well do it at Wendy's. That's not exactly an endorsement.
Wendy: "Have a way better shake way later. Enjoy a hand-spun Frosty shake late at night."
Top off that Baconator with a chocolate shake! Even the small is another 410 calories. I know that railing against how bad fast food is for you is pretty old at this point, and not exactly the mission of this site, but even the stupidest ads that are just stupid aren't as offensive as the kind that pitch 1500-calorie meals as a "lifestyle choice," even if it's intended as humor. (It's not like Wendy's doesn't want you eating at Wendy's all the time. "What are you, here for another Baconator? I don't think so, pal. Go home and have some fresh fruit." And given that they effectively mocked their own healthier choices within this ad... well, it makes you wonder, doesn't it?)
To get back to straight ad criticism, the animated Wendy's hand reaching for the for-real shake really creeps me the fuck out, especially because she's wearing an outfit that today is only seen on circus clowns.
An ad campaign about nothing: Microsoft spends $300 million on "jokes"
So Microsoft wants to be cool. Call it "Apple envy." We've seen it before -- companies trying to make hip commericals that look like they were produced by Apple's longtime agency, Chiat/Day. But where does a giant like Microsoft find their creative inspiration? They open up their pocketbooks, grab a $300 million wad, and go begging to the advertising agency most responsible for the existence of this site, Crispin Porter + Bo-fucking-gusky. Ahh, Crispin. Creator of the BK "King," panderer of lazy humor, mover of offices from Miami to Boulder (I guess -- needed to spend all that money?)
But wow, $300 million dollar account.... access to the world's second richest man.... seemingly limitless marketing opportunities. What would Crispin Porter do with all that? Oh, of course! Take ten of that three hundred million and hire a comedian a decade past his prime! Then put him in ads next to laugh-a-minute comedy master Bill Gates! So, hey, how'd that turn out?
Seinfeld: "Shoe Circus. Quality shoes at discount prices. Why pay more?" Bill Gates?
My thoughts exactly. If you're thinking "what the hell am I watching," like I am, you're probably hoping there's a big, tidy pay-off at the end that makes some sense of this situation. Spoiler alert!! There isn't.
Gates: Jerry Seinfeld?
Seinfeld: Churro?
Hmm. Almost a joke. So close here, Jerry. What is it about Jerry Seinfeld in commercials that just drains the humor out of him?
With $10 million spent on Seinfeld alone, I wonder what the cost of this campaign is per joke. Let's keep a tally. This is joke #1.
Seinfeld (helping Gates try on shoes): Is that your toe?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: What is it?
Gates: Leather.
Joke Count: 2. Granted, Jerry plays straight man here, but we'll give it to him. Also, this is probably the funniest part of the commercial right here.
Seinfeld: You know what I do? I wear (the Conquistador shoes) in the shower. You ever wear clothes in the shower, Bill?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: You're dressed, and you're clean. Open the door, go about your business.
Joke Count: 4. I'm counting the word "Conquistador" as a kind of throwback "Seinfeld" word joke. I guess kind of like "Festivus" or something. I dunno. Also I'm counting the showering in your clothes bit as a joke. Although, isn't that really odd? Did Seinfeld write this, or a crack-addled Crispin Porter copywriter?
Seinfeld: Guess what Bill, you're a ten (referring to his shoe size).
And we're up to 5 now, with a pun. Yay. If the commercial stopped now (if only!), it'd be just $2 million per joke. And sure, that may seem excessive, but think about this: Don Rickles used to charge $50,000 per insult at the old Friar's Club Roasts. And if it got a big laugh? That was extra. And that's before inflation, folks. (Note: I'm almost certain this is true.) Comedy ain't cheap.
Seinfeld: What do you get with that card (the Clown Club membership card)?
Gates: Big Top points.
Seinfeld sets the pick, and Gates drains the three! We're at 6. Six funny, funny jokes. Oh, and we've learned a lot about Microsoft. Like about the brand, what their products do, Vista. All that important selling stuff -- it's all covered.
Also, I'm not counting the fact that Bill Gates, a bazillionaire, is shopping at a discount shoe shop as a joke. You have to try harder than that to be funny.
Seinfeld: You know, I imagine over the years you've mind-melded your magnum Jupiter brain to those other Saturn-ringed brains at Microsoft.
That's negative one. That is so forced and awkward that, if there's a joke somewhere in there (Jerry's a zombie and wants to eat Bill's delicious brain?), I can't find it in that turgid, tortured sentence. Just abominable. We're back to 5.
Seinfeld: Just wondering, are they ever gonna come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy like cake so we can just eat 'em while we're working.
"Jerry Seinfeld on Salvia," ladies and gentlemen! Listen as he riffs on tasting colors in airplane food... identify with him as he discusses the annoying coworker who always flies inside the refrigerator just as you were going to hear it bleed purple! This Thursday through Saturday at the Orpheum. Tickets going fast!
Joke Count: 6. Just because I kind of pity him now.
Seinfeld: If it's yes, give me a signal -- adjust your shorts.
Gates: (moves ass uncomfortably)
Joke Count: 100,000,000,000,000. I take it all back -- that bit alone is like a hundred trillion jokes. Jerry Seinfeld was worth every penny! I actually just came to after passing out from over-laughing. I'm typing this from an ambulance where I'm being treated for a fractured rib cage -- from laughing way too hard at the inherent comedy in blending observational Jewish humor with PC-based operating system marketing! Wooooooo!
The Future. Delicious. (Windows logo)
So, to recap, here's what I take away from this ad:
1. Microsoft is a shoe company.
2. Even rich people like discounts.
3. Jerry Seinfeld stopped being funny, somehow.
4. Hey, those Mac vs. PC ads are pretty funny, huh?
5. Oh, guess I was wrong on point #1 - Microsoft has something to do with computers, not shoes.
6. The future is delicious.
7. Okay, figured it out -- Microsoft sells churros.
8. I am going to buy a Mac immediately.
One would have to think that Crispin Porter + Bogusky's reign atop the advertising world is coming to an end very soon.
But wow, $300 million dollar account.... access to the world's second richest man.... seemingly limitless marketing opportunities. What would Crispin Porter do with all that? Oh, of course! Take ten of that three hundred million and hire a comedian a decade past his prime! Then put him in ads next to laugh-a-minute comedy master Bill Gates! So, hey, how'd that turn out?
Seinfeld: "Shoe Circus. Quality shoes at discount prices. Why pay more?" Bill Gates?
My thoughts exactly. If you're thinking "what the hell am I watching," like I am, you're probably hoping there's a big, tidy pay-off at the end that makes some sense of this situation. Spoiler alert!! There isn't.
Gates: Jerry Seinfeld?
Seinfeld: Churro?
Hmm. Almost a joke. So close here, Jerry. What is it about Jerry Seinfeld in commercials that just drains the humor out of him?
With $10 million spent on Seinfeld alone, I wonder what the cost of this campaign is per joke. Let's keep a tally. This is joke #1.
Seinfeld (helping Gates try on shoes): Is that your toe?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: What is it?
Gates: Leather.
Joke Count: 2. Granted, Jerry plays straight man here, but we'll give it to him. Also, this is probably the funniest part of the commercial right here.
Seinfeld: You know what I do? I wear (the Conquistador shoes) in the shower. You ever wear clothes in the shower, Bill?
Gates: No.
Seinfeld: You're dressed, and you're clean. Open the door, go about your business.
Joke Count: 4. I'm counting the word "Conquistador" as a kind of throwback "Seinfeld" word joke. I guess kind of like "Festivus" or something. I dunno. Also I'm counting the showering in your clothes bit as a joke. Although, isn't that really odd? Did Seinfeld write this, or a crack-addled Crispin Porter copywriter?
Seinfeld: Guess what Bill, you're a ten (referring to his shoe size).
And we're up to 5 now, with a pun. Yay. If the commercial stopped now (if only!), it'd be just $2 million per joke. And sure, that may seem excessive, but think about this: Don Rickles used to charge $50,000 per insult at the old Friar's Club Roasts. And if it got a big laugh? That was extra. And that's before inflation, folks. (Note: I'm almost certain this is true.) Comedy ain't cheap.
Seinfeld: What do you get with that card (the Clown Club membership card)?
Gates: Big Top points.
Seinfeld sets the pick, and Gates drains the three! We're at 6. Six funny, funny jokes. Oh, and we've learned a lot about Microsoft. Like about the brand, what their products do, Vista. All that important selling stuff -- it's all covered.
Also, I'm not counting the fact that Bill Gates, a bazillionaire, is shopping at a discount shoe shop as a joke. You have to try harder than that to be funny.
Seinfeld: You know, I imagine over the years you've mind-melded your magnum Jupiter brain to those other Saturn-ringed brains at Microsoft.
That's negative one. That is so forced and awkward that, if there's a joke somewhere in there (Jerry's a zombie and wants to eat Bill's delicious brain?), I can't find it in that turgid, tortured sentence. Just abominable. We're back to 5.
Seinfeld: Just wondering, are they ever gonna come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy like cake so we can just eat 'em while we're working.
"Jerry Seinfeld on Salvia," ladies and gentlemen! Listen as he riffs on tasting colors in airplane food... identify with him as he discusses the annoying coworker who always flies inside the refrigerator just as you were going to hear it bleed purple! This Thursday through Saturday at the Orpheum. Tickets going fast!
Joke Count: 6. Just because I kind of pity him now.
Seinfeld: If it's yes, give me a signal -- adjust your shorts.
Gates: (moves ass uncomfortably)
Joke Count: 100,000,000,000,000. I take it all back -- that bit alone is like a hundred trillion jokes. Jerry Seinfeld was worth every penny! I actually just came to after passing out from over-laughing. I'm typing this from an ambulance where I'm being treated for a fractured rib cage -- from laughing way too hard at the inherent comedy in blending observational Jewish humor with PC-based operating system marketing! Wooooooo!
The Future. Delicious. (Windows logo)
So, to recap, here's what I take away from this ad:
1. Microsoft is a shoe company.
2. Even rich people like discounts.
3. Jerry Seinfeld stopped being funny, somehow.
4. Hey, those Mac vs. PC ads are pretty funny, huh?
5. Oh, guess I was wrong on point #1 - Microsoft has something to do with computers, not shoes.
6. The future is delicious.
7. Okay, figured it out -- Microsoft sells churros.
8. I am going to buy a Mac immediately.
One would have to think that Crispin Porter + Bogusky's reign atop the advertising world is coming to an end very soon.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
There will be a test later.
Pop quiz. How many of you can name at least one of the jackass things this woman was doing as she was walking down the street? Would you ever aspire to be like, hang around with, or smell like this woman?
Now, Question #2. Given that the ad is ostensibly all about the five reasons that make this product so unique and effective, how many of you can name at least one of them? I can't. That's because they were all in moderately-sized print at the top, away from the center of the screen, where our eyes are being drawn by (again) the jackass things this woman was doing as she was walking down the street. And the reasons are not recapped or summarized at the end- there's just a large graphic reminding you that the five reasons exist. As good as any of those characteristics of the deodorant might be, all I can take away from the commercial is how much I hate it and the character in it and, by association, the product.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Bust in translation - Taiwan edition
I've been on some long plane rides again, and rather than post about easily lampoonable SkyMall copy, this time I'm taking on easily lampoonable mistranslations. The following signage I found along my recent visit to the country of Taiwan, or the Republic of China (not to be confused with the People's Republic of China.) Taipei, the capital of Taiwan, is a beautiful place -- a bustling international city nestled in the middle of lush sub-tropical hills. The people are friendly, the city is clean, accessible and easily navigated, but, as happens in most places in Asia, they have a little trouble with the English.
How hard can it be to run something through a translation service? You have to wonder how people just settle on using Babel Fish or whatever to translate lines that are going to appear across a city of millions of people. So, here are a few examples that caught my eye as I was walking around:
These personal care stores were everywhere in Taipei....
Only curious women need makeup and deodorant, apparently.
Why, exactly, is love power? I can't read Mandarin, but it's hard to imagine that statement being explained here. Also, why do the mother and daughter have books over the heads? Because love... is.... power?
Only curious women need makeup and deodorant, apparently.
***
Here's a sign I kept seeing on the subway (MRT) for the Chinese Christian Relief Association:
Why, exactly, is love power? I can't read Mandarin, but it's hard to imagine that statement being explained here. Also, why do the mother and daughter have books over the heads? Because love... is.... power?***
This was outside an Italian restaurant...
Possibility #1: They mean "Midnight 12:00" but the "1" fell off.
Possibility #2: They mean "Midnight to 2:00," and they have really weird hours.
Possibility #3: They think "Midnight" means "2:00am," and they were misinformed.
This was outside an Italian restaurant...
Possibility #1: They mean "Midnight 12:00" but the "1" fell off.Possibility #2: They mean "Midnight to 2:00," and they have really weird hours.
Possibility #3: They think "Midnight" means "2:00am," and they were misinformed.
Possibility: #4: They are crazy.
***
A clothing store was having a sale. This is how they advertised it:
"I *heart* final" and "I *heart* sale"?! That's the best anyone could come up with? Here's the crazy thing, originally I had thought this was your run-of-the-mill silly translation error. Then I looked this store up, it's in the US, too, and they have the same damn ads. I'd love to see someone walking around with a button that says "I *heart* final." Because, why not? That makes sense out of context, right?
A clothing store was having a sale. This is how they advertised it:
"I *heart* final" and "I *heart* sale"?! That's the best anyone could come up with? Here's the crazy thing, originally I had thought this was your run-of-the-mill silly translation error. Then I looked this store up, it's in the US, too, and they have the same damn ads. I'd love to see someone walking around with a button that says "I *heart* final." Because, why not? That makes sense out of context, right?***
And finally, straight from the Taipei 101 subway station....
The only English you see on this entire thing, which was a huge poster, is "Castrated Chicken." It may spoil it slightly to learn that's the English title of a Taiwanese play, but it's still pretty excellent. I really wanted it to be a restaurant, not a play. Or maybe a clinic.
The only English you see on this entire thing, which was a huge poster, is "Castrated Chicken." It may spoil it slightly to learn that's the English title of a Taiwanese play, but it's still pretty excellent. I really wanted it to be a restaurant, not a play. Or maybe a clinic.So, Taiwan certainly has better English signage than, say, mainland China. And, in their defense, they recently switched to a different form of Romanization (Hanyu Pinyin instead of Wade-Giles), so there are about 8 different ways to spell everything. All things considered, not too bad. But, still enough craziness to amuse an American traveler/meta-critical ad blogger abroad.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Money well spent
Oh, Hyundai. Why didn't you just hire Maria Sharapova, tennis champion?
(Skip ahead to 0:17, since the first part of the video is just some bumper that precedes the ad.)
Salesman: [yammers about features on the car, then says] "Plus, right now you can get $2000 cash back!"
Customer: [sounding utterly unimpressed] "Pretty impressive."
This should have been followed by a massive, cartoonish yawn take. Am I right?
Larry Winget, Best-Selling Author of You're Broke Because You Want to Be, Who Is Creepily Hiding in the Back Seat: "Pretty impressive?"
Customer: "Larry Winget? Best-selling author of You're Broke Because You Want to Be?"
First of all, bullshit. No one outside of the Winget family knows Larry Winget on sight. Second of all, if Larry Winget were famous enough to justify an appearance in this ad, you wouldn't need to mention both his name and the book he's "known" for having written. I also love how the customer still sounds totally underwhelmed. Did they spend too much money getting Larry Winget, Best-Selling Author of You're Broke Because You Want to Be for the ad and not have enough left over to hire an actor who could modulate his voice?
LW, B-SAOYBBYWTB, WICHITBS: "Take the money you'll save and pay down your credit card debt."
I love that this is what passes for sage financial advice. It's not Larry Winget's fault that the American public is so stupid with credit, I guess, but really? "Hey, maybe pay off some of your credit card debt?" Good call, financial guru. Also, if you're that serious about needing to pay off your debt, maybe don't buy a new car, much less a gas-guzzling SUV (17 mpg city, 24 mpg highway). Larry? Maybe? I bet if you asked him when Hyundai wasn't paying him, he'd tell you the same thing.
Customer: "Probably should."
LW, B-SAOYBBYWTB, WICHITBS: "Did he just say probably?"
Customer: "Definitely. [sotto voce] Probably." [flatlines]
God, you are so boring. This is what passes for a joke in this clunker of an ad, by the way.
I kind of feel like if Larry Winget gave financial advice to large corporations, he would take Hyundai to task for wasting their money on a pitchman who is so not famous that he has to be addressed by his full name and what he's (not actually) famous for doing. "Hell, what are you guys thinking? Is my appearance in this ad really any more convincing than any random actor saying the same lines? You could have taken the money you saved by not hiring me and bought a pool table for the company break room to boost morale!"
(Skip ahead to 0:17, since the first part of the video is just some bumper that precedes the ad.)
Salesman: [yammers about features on the car, then says] "Plus, right now you can get $2000 cash back!"
Customer: [sounding utterly unimpressed] "Pretty impressive."
This should have been followed by a massive, cartoonish yawn take. Am I right?
Larry Winget, Best-Selling Author of You're Broke Because You Want to Be, Who Is Creepily Hiding in the Back Seat: "Pretty impressive?"
Customer: "Larry Winget? Best-selling author of You're Broke Because You Want to Be?"
First of all, bullshit. No one outside of the Winget family knows Larry Winget on sight. Second of all, if Larry Winget were famous enough to justify an appearance in this ad, you wouldn't need to mention both his name and the book he's "known" for having written. I also love how the customer still sounds totally underwhelmed. Did they spend too much money getting Larry Winget, Best-Selling Author of You're Broke Because You Want to Be for the ad and not have enough left over to hire an actor who could modulate his voice?
LW, B-SAOYBBYWTB, WICHITBS: "Take the money you'll save and pay down your credit card debt."
I love that this is what passes for sage financial advice. It's not Larry Winget's fault that the American public is so stupid with credit, I guess, but really? "Hey, maybe pay off some of your credit card debt?" Good call, financial guru. Also, if you're that serious about needing to pay off your debt, maybe don't buy a new car, much less a gas-guzzling SUV (17 mpg city, 24 mpg highway). Larry? Maybe? I bet if you asked him when Hyundai wasn't paying him, he'd tell you the same thing.
Customer: "Probably should."
LW, B-SAOYBBYWTB, WICHITBS: "Did he just say probably?"
Customer: "Definitely. [sotto voce] Probably." [flatlines]
God, you are so boring. This is what passes for a joke in this clunker of an ad, by the way.
I kind of feel like if Larry Winget gave financial advice to large corporations, he would take Hyundai to task for wasting their money on a pitchman who is so not famous that he has to be addressed by his full name and what he's (not actually) famous for doing. "Hell, what are you guys thinking? Is my appearance in this ad really any more convincing than any random actor saying the same lines? You could have taken the money you saved by not hiring me and bought a pool table for the company break room to boost morale!"
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The F team
There's a famous story about Brandon Tartikoff, an executive at NBC in the 80s. Apparently he was pitching an idea that turned out to be The A-Team, and the last part of the pitch was simply, "Did you ever see Rocky III, with that guy Mr. T? Well, Mr. T drives the car." I'm guessing that was most of the pitch for this Snickers ad.
As I understand it, this was made for British television, but it's already been pulled over complaints about it that rolled in when it hit the internet. Not hard to see why, is it?
[A speedwalker walks speedily down the street. Mr. T, driving an enormous truck, bursts from a house and pulls up alongside him.]
Mr. T: "Speedwalking? I pity you, fool!"
I'm sure Mr. T doesn't mind saying this line because of all the money it's made him, but doesn't he have to feel like "The 'I Didn't Do It' Boy" at this point? "I pity the fool" was just another line in Rocky III - his calling card could just as easily be "Prediction: pain" or "I'm the baddest man in the world" or "I'm gonna crucify him" or "Hey, woman!" Most of those lines would work in this ad's context, wouldn't they?
Mr. T: "You a disgrace to the man race!"
Man: not a race. Of course, Mr. T isn't an ethnologist.
Mr. T: "It's time to run like a real man!"
Well, why would anyone complain about this ad? It's just a delightful, old-fashioned, queer-harassin' romp! Snickers really has a problem with being even remotely effeminate; remember their Super Bowl ad from a couple years ago where the guys rip out their chest hair to prove their masculinity after accidentally kissing? What's next, a flamboyant guy gets curb-stomped by a Snickers-eating mob?
[Mr. T fires Snickers bars at the speedwalker's legs in order to make him run]
Mr. T: "Take that, speedwalker! Do it again, sucker, and there's gonna be trouble! With a capital Mr. T!"
I'm thinking this curb-stomping ad I mentioned isn't too far off the mark of what would happen if this spot had a sequel. I mean, what's Mr. T going to do to this guy that's worse than firing at him with a giant candy bar machine gun? It's really down to "beat the shit out of him" or "kill him," isn't it?
Mr. T: "Snickers! Get some nuts!"
He's just talking about peanuts, right? I mean, I don't see any other way to interpret that slogan.
You're a candy bar, Snickers. Chocolate, beloved of women everywhere, is a main ingredient of your product. Is there really something so hyper-masculine about peanuts that you have to make "You'd better eat Snickers, you fucking pussy" ads all the time? Also, isn't it sort of odd that an ad so disdainful of men with insufficient masculinity would actually focus the camera on the speedwalker's gyrating ass in the opening seconds?
As I understand it, this was made for British television, but it's already been pulled over complaints about it that rolled in when it hit the internet. Not hard to see why, is it?
[A speedwalker walks speedily down the street. Mr. T, driving an enormous truck, bursts from a house and pulls up alongside him.]
Mr. T: "Speedwalking? I pity you, fool!"
I'm sure Mr. T doesn't mind saying this line because of all the money it's made him, but doesn't he have to feel like "The 'I Didn't Do It' Boy" at this point? "I pity the fool" was just another line in Rocky III - his calling card could just as easily be "Prediction: pain" or "I'm the baddest man in the world" or "I'm gonna crucify him" or "Hey, woman!" Most of those lines would work in this ad's context, wouldn't they?
Mr. T: "You a disgrace to the man race!"
Man: not a race. Of course, Mr. T isn't an ethnologist.
Mr. T: "It's time to run like a real man!"
Well, why would anyone complain about this ad? It's just a delightful, old-fashioned, queer-harassin' romp! Snickers really has a problem with being even remotely effeminate; remember their Super Bowl ad from a couple years ago where the guys rip out their chest hair to prove their masculinity after accidentally kissing? What's next, a flamboyant guy gets curb-stomped by a Snickers-eating mob?
[Mr. T fires Snickers bars at the speedwalker's legs in order to make him run]
Mr. T: "Take that, speedwalker! Do it again, sucker, and there's gonna be trouble! With a capital Mr. T!"
I'm thinking this curb-stomping ad I mentioned isn't too far off the mark of what would happen if this spot had a sequel. I mean, what's Mr. T going to do to this guy that's worse than firing at him with a giant candy bar machine gun? It's really down to "beat the shit out of him" or "kill him," isn't it?
Mr. T: "Snickers! Get some nuts!"
He's just talking about peanuts, right? I mean, I don't see any other way to interpret that slogan.
You're a candy bar, Snickers. Chocolate, beloved of women everywhere, is a main ingredient of your product. Is there really something so hyper-masculine about peanuts that you have to make "You'd better eat Snickers, you fucking pussy" ads all the time? Also, isn't it sort of odd that an ad so disdainful of men with insufficient masculinity would actually focus the camera on the speedwalker's gyrating ass in the opening seconds?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
So stupid people may think BK thinks you're stupid
Is there any point in going after Burger King commercials any more? It's pretty clear that the 2% of the television audience BK is speaking to seems to like what they do. On the other hand, it's really painful for the rest of us to have to sit through it all. So in the spirit of attacking things that aren't targeted towards me, why don't we check out one more Burger King ad:
Guy #1: The Steakhouse from Burger King? What'd you do to deserve a burger this special?
Why does anyone need to do something to eat a BK burger, aside from, I suppose, pay for it? Isn't this kind of an absurd concept for a company with the slogan "Have It Your Way"? Isn't the whole BK spirit "We'll get you whatever you want"? I fail to see how "you need to be awesome to eat our burgers" fits in with the brand.
Scientist #1 (dramatically smug): I just discovered a moon orbiting Regulus 279 in the Crab Nebula. It may support life.
So you need to discover a moon to earn that burger. Got it.
Also, don't think for a second that the copywriters at Crispin Porter + Bogusky did even an iota of research before writing this ad. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about when it comes to astronomy (btw, that site's super nerdy, but I think one of the issues is that a moon wouldn't be ordering a star like Regulus, or it'd be called a planet. Also, I'm not so sure Regulus 279 even exists.)
Guy #1: And you?
If such a "moon" could ever be found, I think it would be a big enough deal that the #2 guy finding it would be deserving of a fast food burger as well.
Guy #1: You helped. You either discover a star or you don't. You arrogant punk.
Were you even listening to the commercial you're filming, Guy #1? He said it was a fucking moon, not a star, you ass-tard. I mean, this commercial is just so pock-marked with stupidity, you have to wonder how something like this even sees the air? Can't you just see some asshole copywriter jotting the dialogue down on the margin of a crossword puzzle and then handing it over like "There you go! There's your new commercial!" And then when somebody dares to suggest a slight rewrite to, you know, make the spot make sense, the copywriter would get all pissy and refuse to alter a single word.
Announcer: The new Steakhouse.... so special, people may think you think you're special.
I've written before about how simplicity is paramount when you're trying to convey a message in under 30 seconds to a ADD audience watching loud, colorful TV shows, so I won't bother to repeat myself. Suffice it to say, when you have to decode a slogan to this degree, I think it may be time to consider an alternate option. I had a couple ideas:
"The new Steakhouse: So special people may not care how bad your commercials are."
"The new Steakhouse: So special you might get some really special heart disease from eating it."
"The new Steakhouse: Oh my God that looks disgusting... and what the hell are those, like little French fries you're putting on top? Wow that's nasty."
Guy #1: The Steakhouse from Burger King? What'd you do to deserve a burger this special?
Why does anyone need to do something to eat a BK burger, aside from, I suppose, pay for it? Isn't this kind of an absurd concept for a company with the slogan "Have It Your Way"? Isn't the whole BK spirit "We'll get you whatever you want"? I fail to see how "you need to be awesome to eat our burgers" fits in with the brand.
Scientist #1 (dramatically smug): I just discovered a moon orbiting Regulus 279 in the Crab Nebula. It may support life.
So you need to discover a moon to earn that burger. Got it.
Also, don't think for a second that the copywriters at Crispin Porter + Bogusky did even an iota of research before writing this ad. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about when it comes to astronomy (btw, that site's super nerdy, but I think one of the issues is that a moon wouldn't be ordering a star like Regulus, or it'd be called a planet. Also, I'm not so sure Regulus 279 even exists.)
Guy #1: And you?
Scientist #2: I helped.
If such a "moon" could ever be found, I think it would be a big enough deal that the #2 guy finding it would be deserving of a fast food burger as well.
Guy #1: You helped. You either discover a star or you don't. You arrogant punk.
Were you even listening to the commercial you're filming, Guy #1? He said it was a fucking moon, not a star, you ass-tard. I mean, this commercial is just so pock-marked with stupidity, you have to wonder how something like this even sees the air? Can't you just see some asshole copywriter jotting the dialogue down on the margin of a crossword puzzle and then handing it over like "There you go! There's your new commercial!" And then when somebody dares to suggest a slight rewrite to, you know, make the spot make sense, the copywriter would get all pissy and refuse to alter a single word.
Announcer: The new Steakhouse.... so special, people may think you think you're special.
I've written before about how simplicity is paramount when you're trying to convey a message in under 30 seconds to a ADD audience watching loud, colorful TV shows, so I won't bother to repeat myself. Suffice it to say, when you have to decode a slogan to this degree, I think it may be time to consider an alternate option. I had a couple ideas:
"The new Steakhouse: So special people may not care how bad your commercials are."
"The new Steakhouse: So special you might get some really special heart disease from eating it."
"The new Steakhouse: Do you get the sense we're using 'special' as a euphemism for 'retarded'?"
"The new Steakhouse: Oh my God that looks disgusting... and what the hell are those, like little French fries you're putting on top? Wow that's nasty."
Monday, July 28, 2008
Dare to be stupid
I sure hope Raisin Bran Crunch is seeing its sales shoot through the roof, because I can't think of a single other legitimate reason why you'd want to bring back these characters for yet another go-round.
Giving your product "superfans" does not strike me as a terribly effective marketing gimmick. First of all, no one thinks these guys are real; we know you made them up. Second of all, superfans are not indicative of quality - look at the cult that exists around something like Spam, for fuck's sake. And third of all... why would you consciously make an ad campaign in which the only people who go ga-ga over your product are total fucking retards?
Dim Bulb 1: "So, if you work here, do you get free Raisin Bran Crunch?"
I believe this is a follow-up to another ad we didn't bother to take on, in which our motley crew of imbeciles tours the Raisin Bran Crunch plant. I'm a little surprised they were even let in the door. And I assume this guy's acting notes were, "Use your hands as much as possible?"
Dim Bulb 2: "Hey guys! I got the marketing director on the phone!"
I don't work in advertising, as I think I make clear often enough, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works.
Raisin Bran Crunch Marketing Director: Yes, Betty, who is it?
Betty: Sir, I have three members of the general public on the line.
RBCMD: I see...
Betty: I believe they want to pitch some taglines for the cereal.
RBCMD: Betty, you realize that we have an entire staff of people dedicated to thinking up taglines for Raisin Bran Crunch.
Betty: I'll just put them through, sir...
Dim Bulb Gang: Hello?
RBCMD: Note to self: fire Betty.
Dim Bulb 2: "It's time to pitch the taglines."
Dim Bulb 3: "The crunch is so great, it makes me salivate."
DB2: "Raisin Bran Crunch? More like Amazin' Bran Crunch."
DB3: "You'll really enjoy this cereal." [goofy, self-satisfied look]
DB1: "Raisin Bran Crunch - buy me some, Mom!"
[DB2 and DB3 stare at DB1]
This is basically exactly the same punchline as the first ad from this series that we talked about, wherein Dim Bulb 1 - referred to in that post as "Tool #3" - ends up the commercial by saying something so dumb/crazy/pathetic that his friends, who I think we can say are established as being pretty dumb/crazy/pathetic themselves, end up staring at him with these "I can't believe you just said that" looks.
But these are your characters. It's one thing in an initial ad where maybe this is just some goofy joke one-off. But we're now at the point where these guys are the Raisin Bran Crunch spokespeople. And maybe, just maybe, you don't want your spokespeople to be three guys who were deemed too embarrassing even to play the "Sales Guys" in an Alltel ad. I mean, here's Raisin Bran Crunch even resorting to the hoary old "mother's basement" cliché - while depicting a guy who loves Raisin Bran Crunch! Are they insulting the people who buy their cereal? Are they just idiots looking for a cheap laugh? Hey, why can't it be both?
Come to think of it, if this is really the best the ad wizards at Raisin Bran Crunch can come up with, maybe they should be taking unsolicited suggestions from slightly deranged members of the general public. I assume we'll be seeing the marketing director's phone number at the bottom of the next ad.
Giving your product "superfans" does not strike me as a terribly effective marketing gimmick. First of all, no one thinks these guys are real; we know you made them up. Second of all, superfans are not indicative of quality - look at the cult that exists around something like Spam, for fuck's sake. And third of all... why would you consciously make an ad campaign in which the only people who go ga-ga over your product are total fucking retards?
Dim Bulb 1: "So, if you work here, do you get free Raisin Bran Crunch?"
I believe this is a follow-up to another ad we didn't bother to take on, in which our motley crew of imbeciles tours the Raisin Bran Crunch plant. I'm a little surprised they were even let in the door. And I assume this guy's acting notes were, "Use your hands as much as possible?"
Dim Bulb 2: "Hey guys! I got the marketing director on the phone!"
I don't work in advertising, as I think I make clear often enough, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works.
Raisin Bran Crunch Marketing Director: Yes, Betty, who is it?
Betty: Sir, I have three members of the general public on the line.
RBCMD: I see...
Betty: I believe they want to pitch some taglines for the cereal.
RBCMD: Betty, you realize that we have an entire staff of people dedicated to thinking up taglines for Raisin Bran Crunch.
Betty: I'll just put them through, sir...
Dim Bulb Gang: Hello?
RBCMD: Note to self: fire Betty.
Dim Bulb 2: "It's time to pitch the taglines."
Dim Bulb 3: "The crunch is so great, it makes me salivate."
DB2: "Raisin Bran Crunch? More like Amazin' Bran Crunch."
DB3: "You'll really enjoy this cereal." [goofy, self-satisfied look]
DB1: "Raisin Bran Crunch - buy me some, Mom!"
[DB2 and DB3 stare at DB1]
This is basically exactly the same punchline as the first ad from this series that we talked about, wherein Dim Bulb 1 - referred to in that post as "Tool #3" - ends up the commercial by saying something so dumb/crazy/pathetic that his friends, who I think we can say are established as being pretty dumb/crazy/pathetic themselves, end up staring at him with these "I can't believe you just said that" looks.
But these are your characters. It's one thing in an initial ad where maybe this is just some goofy joke one-off. But we're now at the point where these guys are the Raisin Bran Crunch spokespeople. And maybe, just maybe, you don't want your spokespeople to be three guys who were deemed too embarrassing even to play the "Sales Guys" in an Alltel ad. I mean, here's Raisin Bran Crunch even resorting to the hoary old "mother's basement" cliché - while depicting a guy who loves Raisin Bran Crunch! Are they insulting the people who buy their cereal? Are they just idiots looking for a cheap laugh? Hey, why can't it be both?
Come to think of it, if this is really the best the ad wizards at Raisin Bran Crunch can come up with, maybe they should be taking unsolicited suggestions from slightly deranged members of the general public. I assume we'll be seeing the marketing director's phone number at the bottom of the next ad.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Gray's anathema
Move over, SalesGenie "Puppies" ad. I think we may have a new winner for "Most Revoltingly Manipulative Ad Involving Children."
It's a slight departure from Just for Men's usual pitch, which tends to be much more blatantly "Get rid of that gray hair if you want to get laid, Grandpa." But I'm not sure it's a good departure.
Older Daughter [shoving the younger daughter forward]: "Let's go."
Man, take some responsibility. You know she's pushing the younger kid forward just in case Dad hates what they're about to say. "Dad, you need to dye your hair." "WHAT???" "It was Kaitlyn's idea! And she says you should punish her by giving me her allowance!"
Older Daughter: "Dad?"
Dad: "Hm?"
Older Daughter: "It's time."
So far this could be about anything. Old Yeller needs to be put down?
Younger Daughter [with the most nauseatingly cute line reading in history]: "You'd be a really nice catch for somebody!"
"Anybody. Seriously. We don't care who, as long as they can cook. I've eaten Hot Pockets every night for the last two years and it's gotta stop."
I love the shocked/horrified look the dad gives as he lowers the paper. It's like he thinks they're here to drag him off to Carousel or something. Which, in a way, they sort of are.
Daughters [producing a package of Just for Men]: "Pleeeeease?"
God, the music in this ad. Is this a Just for Men commercial or an episode of The Waltons?
Announcer: "Just for Men takes five easy minutes, targets only the gray hair, and can start... something great."
Just for the record, I don't think I believe that it "targets only the gray hair." How the hell would it know? Just for Men doesn't contain tiny gnomes with paint brushes... or does it? (No.)
Dad [taking picture of himself with woman]: "For my girls."
"Hey, uh, no pressure, lady, but they're expecting a new mommy. Be prepared for a full and intense scrutiny of your looks, demeanor, and overall parenting skills until they leave for college."
Daughters [upon seeing photo]: "Yes!!" [high five]
Um, did he leave those kids home alone? The older one can't be older than, what, 10 or 11? Was she really left in charge? No wonder this guy needs a woman so badly; he clearly has the worst parental decision-making skills in history. "Okay, girls, while I'm off on my date you be good. Lindsey, there's some chicken in the fridge; I wrote down how to operate the fryer. Remember, if a grease fire starts, you can't pour water on it, okay? Love you!"
Older Daughter: "I'm glad we did it!"
The "Yes!" and high-five weren't enough of a tip-off, apparently. Is this commercial even aimed at men, or is it aimed at nosy little girls looking for hair dye products for Dad? "I'm glad we did it - and you could be glad too, other nine-year-olds! If your dad's getting laid, he'll probably buy you more toys! I mean, I'm a little girl and apparently I have a cell phone!"
Announcer: "Just for Men." [tagline: "Stay in the game."]
For the record, the guy they used in this ad didn't exactly seem to have the grayest hair in the world. But either way, I've always hated the way the Just for Men ads imply that gray hair is somehow appalling and repulsive. There's another one of these ads out now where a guy is forced to dye his hair to get a better job so he can spend more time with his kid - also incredibly manipulative - and most of them focus on how women are going to reject any guy with gray hair. Which is why it kills me that they're now advertising "Just for Men Touch of Gray," the ad for which shows guys with gray hair doing all the things that every other Just for Men ad would tell you can't be done by guys with gray hair. Make up your fucking mind, Just for Men. Is gray hair so pathetic and embarrassing that your daughters have to shame you into getting rid of it so you can get a date, or is it cool and hip and watch me on this surfboard? Say... you wouldn't be crassly pandering to both sides of the issue, would you?
I do have one good thing to say about these new Just for Men ads, though: at least Keith Hernandez and Walt "Clyde" Frazier are nowhere near them.
It's a slight departure from Just for Men's usual pitch, which tends to be much more blatantly "Get rid of that gray hair if you want to get laid, Grandpa." But I'm not sure it's a good departure.
Older Daughter [shoving the younger daughter forward]: "Let's go."
Man, take some responsibility. You know she's pushing the younger kid forward just in case Dad hates what they're about to say. "Dad, you need to dye your hair." "WHAT???" "It was Kaitlyn's idea! And she says you should punish her by giving me her allowance!"
Older Daughter: "Dad?"
Dad: "Hm?"
Older Daughter: "It's time."
So far this could be about anything. Old Yeller needs to be put down?
Younger Daughter [with the most nauseatingly cute line reading in history]: "You'd be a really nice catch for somebody!"
"Anybody. Seriously. We don't care who, as long as they can cook. I've eaten Hot Pockets every night for the last two years and it's gotta stop."
I love the shocked/horrified look the dad gives as he lowers the paper. It's like he thinks they're here to drag him off to Carousel or something. Which, in a way, they sort of are.
Daughters [producing a package of Just for Men]: "Pleeeeease?"
God, the music in this ad. Is this a Just for Men commercial or an episode of The Waltons?
Announcer: "Just for Men takes five easy minutes, targets only the gray hair, and can start... something great."
Just for the record, I don't think I believe that it "targets only the gray hair." How the hell would it know? Just for Men doesn't contain tiny gnomes with paint brushes... or does it? (No.)
Dad [taking picture of himself with woman]: "For my girls."
"Hey, uh, no pressure, lady, but they're expecting a new mommy. Be prepared for a full and intense scrutiny of your looks, demeanor, and overall parenting skills until they leave for college."
Daughters [upon seeing photo]: "Yes!!" [high five]
Um, did he leave those kids home alone? The older one can't be older than, what, 10 or 11? Was she really left in charge? No wonder this guy needs a woman so badly; he clearly has the worst parental decision-making skills in history. "Okay, girls, while I'm off on my date you be good. Lindsey, there's some chicken in the fridge; I wrote down how to operate the fryer. Remember, if a grease fire starts, you can't pour water on it, okay? Love you!"
Older Daughter: "I'm glad we did it!"
The "Yes!" and high-five weren't enough of a tip-off, apparently. Is this commercial even aimed at men, or is it aimed at nosy little girls looking for hair dye products for Dad? "I'm glad we did it - and you could be glad too, other nine-year-olds! If your dad's getting laid, he'll probably buy you more toys! I mean, I'm a little girl and apparently I have a cell phone!"
Announcer: "Just for Men." [tagline: "Stay in the game."]
For the record, the guy they used in this ad didn't exactly seem to have the grayest hair in the world. But either way, I've always hated the way the Just for Men ads imply that gray hair is somehow appalling and repulsive. There's another one of these ads out now where a guy is forced to dye his hair to get a better job so he can spend more time with his kid - also incredibly manipulative - and most of them focus on how women are going to reject any guy with gray hair. Which is why it kills me that they're now advertising "Just for Men Touch of Gray," the ad for which shows guys with gray hair doing all the things that every other Just for Men ad would tell you can't be done by guys with gray hair. Make up your fucking mind, Just for Men. Is gray hair so pathetic and embarrassing that your daughters have to shame you into getting rid of it so you can get a date, or is it cool and hip and watch me on this surfboard? Say... you wouldn't be crassly pandering to both sides of the issue, would you?
I do have one good thing to say about these new Just for Men ads, though: at least Keith Hernandez and Walt "Clyde" Frazier are nowhere near them.
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