Geico has always been somewhat unusual among advertisers in that they tend to run multiple campaigns at once. Even today, you can see Geico spots that still feature the gecko, the "everybody knows that" spots, the weirdly earnest animated ones that seem aimed at the Esurance crowd, and the "it's what you do" ads. Like this one:
Even by the standards of marketers whose idea of brilliance is "We thought of four things you can push, and Salt-N-Pepa are on line two," this is stupendously lazy. I don't really know who was the chicken and who was the egg here, but remember the Super Bowl? Remember how there were not one but TWO spots featuring beloved (?) Internet sensation (??) "goats that scream like humans?" Yeah. There were TWO. Sprint did one that might not even feature a goat (looks more like a sheep). And then Discover also did one. It's like every time two movie studios release nearly identical movies within six months of each other and you're like "Did we even need ONE movie about Steve Prefontaine?"
In some ways, Geico's ad is the best of these three, since the other two really have no jokes other than the screams themselves, which I hasten to add are not jokes. Geico, God bless 'em, actually kind of tried. But come on. All that setup, this complicated factory set, for a joke about how the word "scapegoat" has the word "goat" in it? Hey, what if a scapegoat were a REAL goat? I mean, there's literally no actual joke there, because that's where the word scapegoat FUCKING COMES FROM. I don't expect the Geico ad people to be Biblical scholars - or scholars of anything, really, up to and including ads - but Googling "scapegoat" and finding out that it's not a coincidence takes two seconds. The alternative is that they knew that "scapegoat" had something to do with actual goats in the first place and didn't care because it was such a "great" setup to get that goat scream in there. In which case, fuck them.
It doesn't help matters that this is at least the fourth ad in the "it's what you do" series. Geico is known for draining every last drop of life and humor from their campaigns, and this is no exception. I think the horror movie spot was the first in this series, and it wasn't terrible, as these things go. The Salt-N-Pepa one is okay, I guess. Then you got the camel one, which...
I mean, holy shit, right? It's bad enough that Geico can't stop reusing concepts - now they have to (a) reference their own old ads and (b) editorialize that everyone remembers and loves them? (I suppose I might buy that a few yahoos have screamed "Guess what day it is" at zoo camels in the years since that ad first aired, but literally everyone at the zoo? Also, no one is so intimately familiar with that ad that they're referencing throwaway lines like "Mike Mike Mike!") But then, when most of the purpose behind running five hundred different ads at one time is to see what sticks with people, and then reusing that over and over again, I guess I can't be surprised that anything that had any kind of legs was ridden to death. Like this:
I'm glad for Ickey Woods that he's getting a few paychecks after playing his last NFL game in 1991, but it's kind of amazing that Geico went with this reference at all. I guess when you run as many ads as Geico, you can afford to have one of your five simultaneous campaigns focus on a 25-year-old athletic footnote. And then make all your ads in that campaign about his legendary (???) love of cold cuts. (Woods' Wikipedia page claims that he has been a sales representative for a meat company during his post-NFL career, so maybe this is the weirdest kind of cross-promotion?) I mean, the initial Woods ad, like many initial Geico ads, was mildly amusing. But seriously, go on YouTube and look at all the shit they've got him in. There are literally four different "What's Cooking" videos like the one above, ALL OF WHICH ARE JUST COLD CUTS JOKES. For real. Or there are EIGHT "Ickey Reflections" videos. The main 30-second one, again, isn't awful. I would probably have chuckled to see it on TV:
That's a reasonable follow-up to the initial Ickey ad. This, however, is not:
ERROR 404: JOKE NOT FOUND
Geico has had some funny ads over the years. But given how many they put out, it tends to make them look more like a blind squirrel than a squad of hilarious jokesters. I'm sure we're all excited to see what quarter-century-old reference they can exhume next, though! Here are some suggestions:
"When you're Wilson Phillips, you tell people to hold on. It's what you do."
"When you're Dan Quayle, you add letters to the end of words. It's what you do."
"When you're Macaulay Culkin, you booby-trap your house against burglars. It's what you do."
"When you're the Berlin Wall, you get torn down. It's what you do."
Showing posts with label jokes that still aren't funny no matter how many ads you build around them. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes that still aren't funny no matter how many ads you build around them. Show all posts
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Yogurt, lies and videotape
I know this ad is a few years old. Is it ever too late to write about a total piece of shit? (Answer: no.)
First things first. Is there some compelling reason why this woman would be lying to her friend on the phone about her diet? I mean, once you've stated you're, you know, on a diet, it's kind of already out there. Why then go on to pretend that you're some sort of magical person who can eat a million desserts and lose weight?
The counterargument, I guess, is that she's not lying - the friend knows she's naming Yoplait flavors and it's just the dumb, sweets-craving husband who's confused. But if that's the case, why does she describe apple turnovers as "sort of my weakness?" Really, one random flavor of this 100-calorie cup of yogurt is your weakness? Come on.
Woman: "My diet? Well, yesterday I had an apple turnover. Mm-hmm. I know, it's sort of my weakness."
I mean, if the friend knows she's talking about yogurt, what could POSSIBLY fill the gaps in that conversation?
Woman: "My diet? Well, yesterday I had an apple turnover."
Friend: "You mean a cup of Yoplait yogurt flavored like an apple turnover, whatever that means beyond just 'tastes like an apple, more or less?'"
Woman: "Mm-hmm."
Friend: "Good for you, I guess?"
Woman: "I know, it's sort of my weakness."
Friend: "Am I even part of this conversation? God, shut up."
Woman: "I always keep it in the house."
The use of "it" here is, I suppose, evidence that the friend knows she's talking about yogurt, because it's a weird pronoun choice to refer to apple turnovers, in my opinion. But it's more likely that it's evidence that this ad was sloppily written, as if we needed much more of that.
Woman: "Well, that, and Boston cream pie, white chocolate strawberries - yeah, yeah! - and, mmm, key lime pie."
I honestly have no idea what to make of the "yeah, yeah!" part, which really could go either way as far as proof of what she is supposed to be talking about. But I've also lost interest because there isn't enough evidence to discount my original theory, and based on my original theory, fuck this woman.
By the way, check the bottom of the screen at this point in the ad for some truly awesome fine print.
Woman: "Yeah! Mm-hmm, I've already lost some weight!"
Fine print: "As part of a reduced calorie diet and regular exercise."
So basically what you're telling me is that the yogurt has effectively nothing to do with it. Good to know!
This series only gets worse, by the way, and the people in it only get more obviously full of lies. Check out this piece of shit:
Am I supposed to like the main character of this ad?
Woman: "Could you take all of these in for me, please?"
Seamstress: "All of them?"
Woman: "Well, it's the Boston cream pie, and the apple turnovers, and the white chocolate strawberries, and the key lime pie."
Didn't you say you have fourteen flavors? FUCK YOU for using the same four in every ad.
Seamstress: "So you need them let out."
Woman: "No, no, in."
Seamstress: "Out."
Woman: "Uh, in."
This goes on forever, while wacky French music plays in the background. Seriously, though: am I supposed to like this woman? She's a bitch. She goes into this shop, lies like she's been eating a lot of desserts, then treats the seamstress like a fucking moron for being "confused" about the issue. For good measure, this ad ends with a "joke" so bad I'm not even going to repeat it here. I can't believe someone got paid to write this and that it was filmed and aired. It's awful.
There are other ads in this series, like a follow-up to the first one where the husband is busy bragging to someone about all the desserts he's eating and yet staying thin, and the lying becomes more and more blatant. What's Yoplait's angle? "Our product is so bad you'll want to lie about eating it?" "See if these flavor compounds can distract you from the fact that you're eating a soul-crushing cup of diet yogurt?" Yoplait: It is so not worth telling anyone you ate it.
First things first. Is there some compelling reason why this woman would be lying to her friend on the phone about her diet? I mean, once you've stated you're, you know, on a diet, it's kind of already out there. Why then go on to pretend that you're some sort of magical person who can eat a million desserts and lose weight?
The counterargument, I guess, is that she's not lying - the friend knows she's naming Yoplait flavors and it's just the dumb, sweets-craving husband who's confused. But if that's the case, why does she describe apple turnovers as "sort of my weakness?" Really, one random flavor of this 100-calorie cup of yogurt is your weakness? Come on.
Woman: "My diet? Well, yesterday I had an apple turnover. Mm-hmm. I know, it's sort of my weakness."
I mean, if the friend knows she's talking about yogurt, what could POSSIBLY fill the gaps in that conversation?
Woman: "My diet? Well, yesterday I had an apple turnover."
Friend: "You mean a cup of Yoplait yogurt flavored like an apple turnover, whatever that means beyond just 'tastes like an apple, more or less?'"
Woman: "Mm-hmm."
Friend: "Good for you, I guess?"
Woman: "I know, it's sort of my weakness."
Friend: "Am I even part of this conversation? God, shut up."
Woman: "I always keep it in the house."
The use of "it" here is, I suppose, evidence that the friend knows she's talking about yogurt, because it's a weird pronoun choice to refer to apple turnovers, in my opinion. But it's more likely that it's evidence that this ad was sloppily written, as if we needed much more of that.
Woman: "Well, that, and Boston cream pie, white chocolate strawberries - yeah, yeah! - and, mmm, key lime pie."
I honestly have no idea what to make of the "yeah, yeah!" part, which really could go either way as far as proof of what she is supposed to be talking about. But I've also lost interest because there isn't enough evidence to discount my original theory, and based on my original theory, fuck this woman.
By the way, check the bottom of the screen at this point in the ad for some truly awesome fine print.
Woman: "Yeah! Mm-hmm, I've already lost some weight!"
Fine print: "As part of a reduced calorie diet and regular exercise."
So basically what you're telling me is that the yogurt has effectively nothing to do with it. Good to know!
This series only gets worse, by the way, and the people in it only get more obviously full of lies. Check out this piece of shit:
Am I supposed to like the main character of this ad?
Woman: "Could you take all of these in for me, please?"
Seamstress: "All of them?"
Woman: "Well, it's the Boston cream pie, and the apple turnovers, and the white chocolate strawberries, and the key lime pie."
Didn't you say you have fourteen flavors? FUCK YOU for using the same four in every ad.
Seamstress: "So you need them let out."
Woman: "No, no, in."
Seamstress: "Out."
Woman: "Uh, in."
This goes on forever, while wacky French music plays in the background. Seriously, though: am I supposed to like this woman? She's a bitch. She goes into this shop, lies like she's been eating a lot of desserts, then treats the seamstress like a fucking moron for being "confused" about the issue. For good measure, this ad ends with a "joke" so bad I'm not even going to repeat it here. I can't believe someone got paid to write this and that it was filmed and aired. It's awful.
There are other ads in this series, like a follow-up to the first one where the husband is busy bragging to someone about all the desserts he's eating and yet staying thin, and the lying becomes more and more blatant. What's Yoplait's angle? "Our product is so bad you'll want to lie about eating it?" "See if these flavor compounds can distract you from the fact that you're eating a soul-crushing cup of diet yogurt?" Yoplait: It is so not worth telling anyone you ate it.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wow! That's an awful commercial!
By this point I'm sure you've all seen that god-awful Staples "Wow, that's a low price" ad. You haven't? But you'd like to punish yourself? Well, okay.
That commercial, however, is not why we're here. We're here because of this one:
That's veteran character actor Joey Slotnick (I did not have to look this up in any way. Is that weird?) as the audience surrogate. And if you saw a guy doing that in a Staples, you would, in fact, probably react exactly as Slotnick does here - with grimaces and eventual sarcasm. But Staples isn't here to bury its ridiculous yelling pitchman. No, he wins this little duel, by smugly pointing to a price that is, in fact, so low that it would apparently cause anyone to go apeshit.
What is really the point here? This is easily one of the five most annoying pitchmen in history. That seems like exaggeration, but think about it. How many characters can you name off the top of your head who are more hateable? I might be able to come up with a handful, but even after I did that, I would have to concede that most of those characters at least have some sort of personality. This is just crazed yelling by an escaped mental patient. Not only is it obnoxious, it's some of the laziest writing you'll ever come across. Bear in mind that this ad is ostensibly supposed to be funny. So where's the joke?
And that was just the first ad. The fact that Staples had the gall to put this second commercial on the air shows that they recognize how stupid and annoying the first ad was. Here, they're admitting that they quite frankly don't give a shit. Why? Because for every reasonable person who hates these ads, there are apparently two who think it's hilarious to recreate them and post it to YouTube. This may not be the single laziest major-corporation, nationally-televised ad campaign in recent memory, but I can't think of any that are markedly lazier.
And the second ad is worse than the first. The first ad, while thoroughly unfunny, at least attempts a punchline.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Female Employee: "How many products do we carry?"
Male Employee: "Seven thousand."
Female Employee: "I'll get him a cart."
[more crazed yelling]
Painfully bad. However, it does follow the basic structure of a joke. The second ad? Not so much.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Man [sarcastically]: "I'm sorry, did you say something about a low price?"
[Lunatic points smugly]
Man: "Wow! That's a low price!"
Lunatic: "I know!"
As McBain might say, dat's de joke. In the first commercial, there's a bad joke surrounded by obnoxious yelling. In the second ad, Staples basically says, "Hey, we know you hated that first ad. So guess what? Now we're not even going to pretend there's anything else going on! We don't care what you think. We're going to shove this awful shit down your throat until you choke on it."
A couple posts ago I talked about those awful Toyota Sienna ads and how I didn't understand why you'd make an ad in which the presumed protagonists and pitchmen are so loathsome. But this really is what we've come to in advertising, isn't it? The point of this ad isn't really to be funny. Not even Staples could possibly think this ad was legitimately funny. But while it's unfunny and stupid and annoying... it is distinctive. In those Sienna ads, that family is awful and I have no desire to emulate them. But I did remember the ad. I personally don't believe the old adage "There's no such thing as bad publicity" - there have been ad campaigns that have led me to stop using a product because I hated them so much. But I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm shouting into the wind here.
If there's one thing I've learned in three years on this blog it's that corporations, almost to the last, are simply not interested in making good advertisements. They're interested in making money, and if Jay Leno, Jersey Shore and the Transformers films have taught us anything it's that in mass culture, there is no prerequisite of quality or value for success. Why does Staples make an ad like this? Because it's cheaper than making a good one and because they don't think it matters. And the sad part is they're probably right.
This is probably reading like a sign-off at this point, and it's not. We're not closing the blog, and in fact I've added a Twitter account - you can follow @windiermegatons if you want - so that I can throw up the occasional bite-sized thought on ads that annoy me but don't quite merit a full post (although sometimes, as with Buffalo Wild Wings, I get there eventually). But I'll be honest: this ad is so bad it's pushed me to the edge of the abyss.
That commercial, however, is not why we're here. We're here because of this one:
That's veteran character actor Joey Slotnick (I did not have to look this up in any way. Is that weird?) as the audience surrogate. And if you saw a guy doing that in a Staples, you would, in fact, probably react exactly as Slotnick does here - with grimaces and eventual sarcasm. But Staples isn't here to bury its ridiculous yelling pitchman. No, he wins this little duel, by smugly pointing to a price that is, in fact, so low that it would apparently cause anyone to go apeshit.
What is really the point here? This is easily one of the five most annoying pitchmen in history. That seems like exaggeration, but think about it. How many characters can you name off the top of your head who are more hateable? I might be able to come up with a handful, but even after I did that, I would have to concede that most of those characters at least have some sort of personality. This is just crazed yelling by an escaped mental patient. Not only is it obnoxious, it's some of the laziest writing you'll ever come across. Bear in mind that this ad is ostensibly supposed to be funny. So where's the joke?
And that was just the first ad. The fact that Staples had the gall to put this second commercial on the air shows that they recognize how stupid and annoying the first ad was. Here, they're admitting that they quite frankly don't give a shit. Why? Because for every reasonable person who hates these ads, there are apparently two who think it's hilarious to recreate them and post it to YouTube. This may not be the single laziest major-corporation, nationally-televised ad campaign in recent memory, but I can't think of any that are markedly lazier.
And the second ad is worse than the first. The first ad, while thoroughly unfunny, at least attempts a punchline.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Female Employee: "How many products do we carry?"
Male Employee: "Seven thousand."
Female Employee: "I'll get him a cart."
[more crazed yelling]
Painfully bad. However, it does follow the basic structure of a joke. The second ad? Not so much.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Man [sarcastically]: "I'm sorry, did you say something about a low price?"
[Lunatic points smugly]
Man: "Wow! That's a low price!"
Lunatic: "I know!"
As McBain might say, dat's de joke. In the first commercial, there's a bad joke surrounded by obnoxious yelling. In the second ad, Staples basically says, "Hey, we know you hated that first ad. So guess what? Now we're not even going to pretend there's anything else going on! We don't care what you think. We're going to shove this awful shit down your throat until you choke on it."
A couple posts ago I talked about those awful Toyota Sienna ads and how I didn't understand why you'd make an ad in which the presumed protagonists and pitchmen are so loathsome. But this really is what we've come to in advertising, isn't it? The point of this ad isn't really to be funny. Not even Staples could possibly think this ad was legitimately funny. But while it's unfunny and stupid and annoying... it is distinctive. In those Sienna ads, that family is awful and I have no desire to emulate them. But I did remember the ad. I personally don't believe the old adage "There's no such thing as bad publicity" - there have been ad campaigns that have led me to stop using a product because I hated them so much. But I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm shouting into the wind here.
If there's one thing I've learned in three years on this blog it's that corporations, almost to the last, are simply not interested in making good advertisements. They're interested in making money, and if Jay Leno, Jersey Shore and the Transformers films have taught us anything it's that in mass culture, there is no prerequisite of quality or value for success. Why does Staples make an ad like this? Because it's cheaper than making a good one and because they don't think it matters. And the sad part is they're probably right.
This is probably reading like a sign-off at this point, and it's not. We're not closing the blog, and in fact I've added a Twitter account - you can follow @windiermegatons if you want - so that I can throw up the occasional bite-sized thought on ads that annoy me but don't quite merit a full post (although sometimes, as with Buffalo Wild Wings, I get there eventually). But I'll be honest: this ad is so bad it's pushed me to the edge of the abyss.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Keep dusting it off
It's fitting that this spot talks about antiques, given that AT&T has now dragged out the same joke so many times that they've forgotten to use it in a context that even makes sense.
What? Look, I get the joke here - "ha ha, these minutes are so old!" - but it was never more than mildly amusing to begin with, and now it's just tiresome. In addition, the garage sale context is nonsense, because you can't sell your old minutes to other people. That isn't how phones work. I don't think AT&T is trying to suggest that you can... but would it have been difficult to make another ad that used a premise that, you know, works? I guess they couldn't have gotten away with showing the kid wiping his ass with the old minutes, but I'm pretty sure there are other possibilities.
Negative bonus points for a cringe-inducing reference to the current economic climate in terms so generic that AT&T will no doubt pull this one out of the archives for each of the next five recessions. Maybe their next ad can cover every last base for the next century:
Mom: Junior, what are you doing?
Kid: Aw, Mom, I'm just getting rid of these old credits for my personal communication device!
Mom: Don't you dare, Mister - we exchanged something for those old credits and with AT&T, we can continue to use them on our communication devices even now!
Delightfully non-specific. And then you can always just edit in a final scene that refers to whichever alien civilization is invading at the time.
What? Look, I get the joke here - "ha ha, these minutes are so old!" - but it was never more than mildly amusing to begin with, and now it's just tiresome. In addition, the garage sale context is nonsense, because you can't sell your old minutes to other people. That isn't how phones work. I don't think AT&T is trying to suggest that you can... but would it have been difficult to make another ad that used a premise that, you know, works? I guess they couldn't have gotten away with showing the kid wiping his ass with the old minutes, but I'm pretty sure there are other possibilities.
Negative bonus points for a cringe-inducing reference to the current economic climate in terms so generic that AT&T will no doubt pull this one out of the archives for each of the next five recessions. Maybe their next ad can cover every last base for the next century:
Mom: Junior, what are you doing?
Kid: Aw, Mom, I'm just getting rid of these old credits for my personal communication device!
Mom: Don't you dare, Mister - we exchanged something for those old credits and with AT&T, we can continue to use them on our communication devices even now!
Delightfully non-specific. And then you can always just edit in a final scene that refers to whichever alien civilization is invading at the time.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Dare to be stupid
I sure hope Raisin Bran Crunch is seeing its sales shoot through the roof, because I can't think of a single other legitimate reason why you'd want to bring back these characters for yet another go-round.
Giving your product "superfans" does not strike me as a terribly effective marketing gimmick. First of all, no one thinks these guys are real; we know you made them up. Second of all, superfans are not indicative of quality - look at the cult that exists around something like Spam, for fuck's sake. And third of all... why would you consciously make an ad campaign in which the only people who go ga-ga over your product are total fucking retards?
Dim Bulb 1: "So, if you work here, do you get free Raisin Bran Crunch?"
I believe this is a follow-up to another ad we didn't bother to take on, in which our motley crew of imbeciles tours the Raisin Bran Crunch plant. I'm a little surprised they were even let in the door. And I assume this guy's acting notes were, "Use your hands as much as possible?"
Dim Bulb 2: "Hey guys! I got the marketing director on the phone!"
I don't work in advertising, as I think I make clear often enough, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works.
Raisin Bran Crunch Marketing Director: Yes, Betty, who is it?
Betty: Sir, I have three members of the general public on the line.
RBCMD: I see...
Betty: I believe they want to pitch some taglines for the cereal.
RBCMD: Betty, you realize that we have an entire staff of people dedicated to thinking up taglines for Raisin Bran Crunch.
Betty: I'll just put them through, sir...
Dim Bulb Gang: Hello?
RBCMD: Note to self: fire Betty.
Dim Bulb 2: "It's time to pitch the taglines."
Dim Bulb 3: "The crunch is so great, it makes me salivate."
DB2: "Raisin Bran Crunch? More like Amazin' Bran Crunch."
DB3: "You'll really enjoy this cereal." [goofy, self-satisfied look]
DB1: "Raisin Bran Crunch - buy me some, Mom!"
[DB2 and DB3 stare at DB1]
This is basically exactly the same punchline as the first ad from this series that we talked about, wherein Dim Bulb 1 - referred to in that post as "Tool #3" - ends up the commercial by saying something so dumb/crazy/pathetic that his friends, who I think we can say are established as being pretty dumb/crazy/pathetic themselves, end up staring at him with these "I can't believe you just said that" looks.
But these are your characters. It's one thing in an initial ad where maybe this is just some goofy joke one-off. But we're now at the point where these guys are the Raisin Bran Crunch spokespeople. And maybe, just maybe, you don't want your spokespeople to be three guys who were deemed too embarrassing even to play the "Sales Guys" in an Alltel ad. I mean, here's Raisin Bran Crunch even resorting to the hoary old "mother's basement" cliché - while depicting a guy who loves Raisin Bran Crunch! Are they insulting the people who buy their cereal? Are they just idiots looking for a cheap laugh? Hey, why can't it be both?
Come to think of it, if this is really the best the ad wizards at Raisin Bran Crunch can come up with, maybe they should be taking unsolicited suggestions from slightly deranged members of the general public. I assume we'll be seeing the marketing director's phone number at the bottom of the next ad.
Giving your product "superfans" does not strike me as a terribly effective marketing gimmick. First of all, no one thinks these guys are real; we know you made them up. Second of all, superfans are not indicative of quality - look at the cult that exists around something like Spam, for fuck's sake. And third of all... why would you consciously make an ad campaign in which the only people who go ga-ga over your product are total fucking retards?
Dim Bulb 1: "So, if you work here, do you get free Raisin Bran Crunch?"
I believe this is a follow-up to another ad we didn't bother to take on, in which our motley crew of imbeciles tours the Raisin Bran Crunch plant. I'm a little surprised they were even let in the door. And I assume this guy's acting notes were, "Use your hands as much as possible?"
Dim Bulb 2: "Hey guys! I got the marketing director on the phone!"
I don't work in advertising, as I think I make clear often enough, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works.
Raisin Bran Crunch Marketing Director: Yes, Betty, who is it?
Betty: Sir, I have three members of the general public on the line.
RBCMD: I see...
Betty: I believe they want to pitch some taglines for the cereal.
RBCMD: Betty, you realize that we have an entire staff of people dedicated to thinking up taglines for Raisin Bran Crunch.
Betty: I'll just put them through, sir...
Dim Bulb Gang: Hello?
RBCMD: Note to self: fire Betty.
Dim Bulb 2: "It's time to pitch the taglines."
Dim Bulb 3: "The crunch is so great, it makes me salivate."
DB2: "Raisin Bran Crunch? More like Amazin' Bran Crunch."
DB3: "You'll really enjoy this cereal." [goofy, self-satisfied look]
DB1: "Raisin Bran Crunch - buy me some, Mom!"
[DB2 and DB3 stare at DB1]
This is basically exactly the same punchline as the first ad from this series that we talked about, wherein Dim Bulb 1 - referred to in that post as "Tool #3" - ends up the commercial by saying something so dumb/crazy/pathetic that his friends, who I think we can say are established as being pretty dumb/crazy/pathetic themselves, end up staring at him with these "I can't believe you just said that" looks.
But these are your characters. It's one thing in an initial ad where maybe this is just some goofy joke one-off. But we're now at the point where these guys are the Raisin Bran Crunch spokespeople. And maybe, just maybe, you don't want your spokespeople to be three guys who were deemed too embarrassing even to play the "Sales Guys" in an Alltel ad. I mean, here's Raisin Bran Crunch even resorting to the hoary old "mother's basement" cliché - while depicting a guy who loves Raisin Bran Crunch! Are they insulting the people who buy their cereal? Are they just idiots looking for a cheap laugh? Hey, why can't it be both?
Come to think of it, if this is really the best the ad wizards at Raisin Bran Crunch can come up with, maybe they should be taking unsolicited suggestions from slightly deranged members of the general public. I assume we'll be seeing the marketing director's phone number at the bottom of the next ad.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
"Raisin Bran Crunch? I hate Raisin Bran Crunch!"
I've said it before and I'll say it again - is the intelligent pitch for a product one in which two of your three spokespeople hate one aspect of the product and the third is a moron?
Obnoxious Loser #1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well designed!"
That'll get 'em running out to the stores, I'm sure. "Did you see that latest RBC ad?" (I understand that this is what all the kids call Raisin Bran Crunch.) "Yeah, man, I'm down with that design too! Let's score a couple boxes!"
OL1: "I mean, it totally communicates the raisin."
OL2: "It's designed to protect the granola clusters and the flakes. [shakes box] Hear that crunchy conga?"
I've already talked about this series of ads using language that no one in human history has ever used, nor would ever use. "Hear that crunchy conga?" isn't quite as appalling as "That's the money right there," but come on.
OL1: "Hmm, maybe you haven't heard it - 'two scoops of crun-'... no. Two scoops of raisins."
And, once again, the idea of these guys fighting over the good part of Raisin Bran Crunch just makes me sad. You are promoting a cereal that contains raisins and bran crunch. You're not a 20-year-old Miller Lite ad, which means there is no excuse for this "Tastes Great/Less Filling" style of debate. Especially since your guys aren't even arguing over the best thing about it, but more like the only good thing. Note how Obnoxious Loser #2 implies that the raisins - the first word in the cereal's name! - are little more than glorified packing peanuts. Now I'm ready for some fucking breakfast.
OL2: "The only reason the raisins are in there is like, to be little tiny shock absorbers for the flakes."
Did I say "implies" just now? Never mind. He actually just says it. Get me a bowl and some milk, Ma, and pour me a heapin' helping of Styrofoam Crisp!
OL3 [out of nowhere, as usual]: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!" [flashes idiotic goofy smile]
Raisin Bran Crunch is, in fact, fortified with 25% of your vitamin B12 requirement per serving. And now, I will send 500 bucks to anyone reading this blog who knows off the top of their head what benefits vitamin B12 provides, aside from serving as the setup to unfunny, non-sequitur puns.
That last line seems like it came out of the blue, but it served an important purpose in the commercial before the script was rewritten - namely, to help defuse the overwhelming tension between Obnoxious Losers 1 and 2 in the original script, which was a lot more vicious than in the finished, aired version.
OL1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well-designed!"
OL2: "Yeah, because the word 'Crunch' is in the biggest letters."
OL1: "Excuse me?"
OL2: "You heard me, you raisin-loving queer. We all know this cereal would be a thousand times better if it contained only flakes and granola clusters."
OL1: "I hate to break it to you, asshole, but raisins are the foundation of this cereal. And every time I bite into a granola cluster? It feels like a bird just shit right into my open mouth."
OL2: "I'd sooner be forced at gunpoint to drink a gallon of my own urine than eat one more fucking raisin!!!"
OL1: "EVERY TIME MY TONGUE TOUCHES A BRAN FLAKE IT FEELS LIKE SATAN HIMSELF IS DRIVING A CACTUS INTO MY EYE SOCKET WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!!"
[OL2 lunges at OL1 and they begin to roll on the ground punching each other]
OL3: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!"
Obnoxious Loser #1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well designed!"
That'll get 'em running out to the stores, I'm sure. "Did you see that latest RBC ad?" (I understand that this is what all the kids call Raisin Bran Crunch.) "Yeah, man, I'm down with that design too! Let's score a couple boxes!"
OL1: "I mean, it totally communicates the raisin."
OL2: "It's designed to protect the granola clusters and the flakes. [shakes box] Hear that crunchy conga?"
I've already talked about this series of ads using language that no one in human history has ever used, nor would ever use. "Hear that crunchy conga?" isn't quite as appalling as "That's the money right there," but come on.
OL1: "Hmm, maybe you haven't heard it - 'two scoops of crun-'... no. Two scoops of raisins."
And, once again, the idea of these guys fighting over the good part of Raisin Bran Crunch just makes me sad. You are promoting a cereal that contains raisins and bran crunch. You're not a 20-year-old Miller Lite ad, which means there is no excuse for this "Tastes Great/Less Filling" style of debate. Especially since your guys aren't even arguing over the best thing about it, but more like the only good thing. Note how Obnoxious Loser #2 implies that the raisins - the first word in the cereal's name! - are little more than glorified packing peanuts. Now I'm ready for some fucking breakfast.
OL2: "The only reason the raisins are in there is like, to be little tiny shock absorbers for the flakes."
Did I say "implies" just now? Never mind. He actually just says it. Get me a bowl and some milk, Ma, and pour me a heapin' helping of Styrofoam Crisp!
OL3 [out of nowhere, as usual]: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!" [flashes idiotic goofy smile]
Raisin Bran Crunch is, in fact, fortified with 25% of your vitamin B12 requirement per serving. And now, I will send 500 bucks to anyone reading this blog who knows off the top of their head what benefits vitamin B12 provides, aside from serving as the setup to unfunny, non-sequitur puns.
That last line seems like it came out of the blue, but it served an important purpose in the commercial before the script was rewritten - namely, to help defuse the overwhelming tension between Obnoxious Losers 1 and 2 in the original script, which was a lot more vicious than in the finished, aired version.
OL1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well-designed!"
OL2: "Yeah, because the word 'Crunch' is in the biggest letters."
OL1: "Excuse me?"
OL2: "You heard me, you raisin-loving queer. We all know this cereal would be a thousand times better if it contained only flakes and granola clusters."
OL1: "I hate to break it to you, asshole, but raisins are the foundation of this cereal. And every time I bite into a granola cluster? It feels like a bird just shit right into my open mouth."
OL2: "I'd sooner be forced at gunpoint to drink a gallon of my own urine than eat one more fucking raisin!!!"
OL1: "EVERY TIME MY TONGUE TOUCHES A BRAN FLAKE IT FEELS LIKE SATAN HIMSELF IS DRIVING A CACTUS INTO MY EYE SOCKET WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!!"
[OL2 lunges at OL1 and they begin to roll on the ground punching each other]
OL3: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!"
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Bad things come in threes
So, you're "the new AT&T" (i.e. the old AT&T plus Cingular). You've made two really, really stupid commercials that encourage purchasing an unlimited text messaging plan by pointing out that kids text message a whole hell of a lot and often make no sense as a result. What's your next move? If you said "Making an ad that basically calls people who text a bunch of illiterate morons," you're right!
This concept was stupid the first time out; the second time, it was just painful. But this? I don't even know what to say about this one. First of all, everyone knows what "ROTFL" stands for at this point. It's not 2002 anymore. Second of all, thanks for translating "8 points," in case we weren't sure if that was more "crazy talk!" Also, among the other words on that board is something ending in -YL. Really? Basically the only common English word ending in -YL is "vinyl," but that doesn't look like an N above the Y. In fact, it sort of looks like someone already played "TTYL." Which, if so, the mom has some nerve getting upset about ROTFL when she's apparently been willing to let whatever shit springs to her daughter's head make it to the board up until this point.
At least in this ad, AT&T restricted themselves to terms in common use - as stupid as ONUD sounds, a Google search will confirm that it's actually in use in places other than the heads of the people at AT&T's agency. But the kicker for the ad is when the mother says to the daughter, "I have completely failed you as a parent." What? That's kind of an odd thing to go out on, isn't it? Especially when followed by the daughter's shit-eating grin - "Hooray, Mom can't understand us and thinks we're borderline retarded - isn't this great?" The exaggeration of the generation gap in these ads is so huge I'm surprised they don't show the grandmother screaming about pictures coming to life when someone turns on the TV.
But what's the point behind this ad, anyway? The initial ones were a family where the kids texted all the time, which frustrated the mother because the cell phone bill was huge. So now, I guess, everyone has the unlimited texting plan... which has just encouraged their English to fall even further into a shambles and oddly distanced them from any family gathering. (Would you play Scrabble with three people who were just sitting there texting their friends during the whole game?) I'm confused. Is this a good thing? Is this something I want to strive for? This ad doesn't make me want to get unlimited texting, it makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry for the future of humanity, then go get a vasectomy. There's only two ways this ad can go - either AT&T sides with the daughter and it's just making fun of how out of touch the mother is, or (more likely) they side with the mother. Which means the message of this ad is, "We think people who need this plan are drooling imbeciles, but we'd still like their money, or at least the money of whoever makes the household's communication decisions." Nice.
This concept was stupid the first time out; the second time, it was just painful. But this? I don't even know what to say about this one. First of all, everyone knows what "ROTFL" stands for at this point. It's not 2002 anymore. Second of all, thanks for translating "8 points," in case we weren't sure if that was more "crazy talk!" Also, among the other words on that board is something ending in -YL. Really? Basically the only common English word ending in -YL is "vinyl," but that doesn't look like an N above the Y. In fact, it sort of looks like someone already played "TTYL." Which, if so, the mom has some nerve getting upset about ROTFL when she's apparently been willing to let whatever shit springs to her daughter's head make it to the board up until this point.
At least in this ad, AT&T restricted themselves to terms in common use - as stupid as ONUD sounds, a Google search will confirm that it's actually in use in places other than the heads of the people at AT&T's agency. But the kicker for the ad is when the mother says to the daughter, "I have completely failed you as a parent." What? That's kind of an odd thing to go out on, isn't it? Especially when followed by the daughter's shit-eating grin - "Hooray, Mom can't understand us and thinks we're borderline retarded - isn't this great?" The exaggeration of the generation gap in these ads is so huge I'm surprised they don't show the grandmother screaming about pictures coming to life when someone turns on the TV.
But what's the point behind this ad, anyway? The initial ones were a family where the kids texted all the time, which frustrated the mother because the cell phone bill was huge. So now, I guess, everyone has the unlimited texting plan... which has just encouraged their English to fall even further into a shambles and oddly distanced them from any family gathering. (Would you play Scrabble with three people who were just sitting there texting their friends during the whole game?) I'm confused. Is this a good thing? Is this something I want to strive for? This ad doesn't make me want to get unlimited texting, it makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry for the future of humanity, then go get a vasectomy. There's only two ways this ad can go - either AT&T sides with the daughter and it's just making fun of how out of touch the mother is, or (more likely) they side with the mother. Which means the message of this ad is, "We think people who need this plan are drooling imbeciles, but we'd still like their money, or at least the money of whoever makes the household's communication decisions." Nice.
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