An ad campaign about nothing: Microsoft spends $300 million on "jokes"

So Microsoft wants to be cool. Call it "Apple envy." We've seen it before -- companies trying to make hip commericals that look like they were produced by Apple's longtime agency, Chiat/Day. But where does a giant like Microsoft find their creative inspiration? They open up their pocketbooks, grab a $300 million wad, and go begging to the advertising agency most responsible for the existence of this site, Crispin Porter + Bo-fucking-gusky. Ahh, Crispin. Creator of the BK "King," panderer of lazy humor, mover of offices from Miami to Boulder (I guess -- needed to spend all that money?)

But wow, $300 million dollar account.... access to the world's second richest man.... seemingly limitless marketing opportunities. What would Crispin Porter do with all that? Oh, of course! Take ten of that three hundred million and hire a comedian a decade past his prime! Then put him in ads next to laugh-a-minute comedy master Bill Gates! So, hey, how'd that turn out?



Seinfeld: "Shoe Circus. Quality shoes at discount prices. Why pay more?" Bill Gates?

My thoughts exactly. If you're thinking "what the hell am I watching," like I am, you're probably hoping there's a big, tidy pay-off at the end that makes some sense of this situation. Spoiler alert!! There isn't.

Gates: Jerry Seinfeld?

Seinfeld: Churro?

Hmm. Almost a joke. So close here, Jerry. What is it about Jerry Seinfeld in commercials that just drains the humor out of him?

With $10 million spent on Seinfeld alone, I wonder what the cost of this campaign is per joke. Let's keep a tally. This is joke #1.

Seinfeld (helping Gates try on shoes): Is that your toe?

Gates: No.

Seinfeld: What is it?

Gates: Leather.

Joke Count: 2. Granted, Jerry plays straight man here, but we'll give it to him. Also, this is probably the funniest part of the commercial right here.

Seinfeld: You know what I do? I wear (the Conquistador shoes) in the shower. You ever wear clothes in the shower, Bill?

Gates: No.

Seinfeld: You're dressed, and you're clean. Open the door, go about your business.

Joke Count: 4. I'm counting the word "Conquistador" as a kind of throwback "Seinfeld" word joke. I guess kind of like "Festivus" or something. I dunno. Also I'm counting the showering in your clothes bit as a joke. Although, isn't that really odd? Did Seinfeld write this, or a crack-addled Crispin Porter copywriter?

Seinfeld: Guess what Bill, you're a ten (referring to his shoe size).

And we're up to 5 now, with a pun. Yay. If the commercial stopped now (if only!), it'd be just $2 million per joke. And sure, that may seem excessive, but think about this: Don Rickles used to charge $50,000 per insult at the old Friar's Club Roasts. And if it got a big laugh? That was extra. And that's before inflation, folks. (Note: I'm almost certain this is true.) Comedy ain't cheap.

Seinfeld: What do you get with that card (the Clown Club membership card)?

Gates: Big Top points.

Seinfeld sets the pick, and Gates drains the three! We're at 6. Six funny, funny jokes. Oh, and we've learned a lot about Microsoft. Like about the brand, what their products do, Vista. All that important selling stuff -- it's all covered.

Also, I'm not counting the fact that Bill Gates, a bazillionaire, is shopping at a discount shoe shop as a joke. You have to try harder than that to be funny.

Seinfeld: You know, I imagine over the years you've mind-melded your magnum Jupiter brain to those other Saturn-ringed brains at Microsoft.

That's negative one. That is so forced and awkward that, if there's a joke somewhere in there (Jerry's a zombie and wants to eat Bill's delicious brain?), I can't find it in that turgid, tortured sentence. Just abominable. We're back to 5.

Seinfeld: Just wondering, are they ever gonna come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy like cake so we can just eat 'em while we're working.

"Jerry Seinfeld on Salvia," ladies and gentlemen! Listen as he riffs on tasting colors in airplane food... identify with him as he discusses the annoying coworker who always flies inside the refrigerator just as you were going to hear it bleed purple! This Thursday through Saturday at the Orpheum. Tickets going fast!

Joke Count: 6. Just because I kind of pity him now.

Seinfeld: If it's yes, give me a signal -- adjust your shorts.

Gates: (moves ass uncomfortably)

Joke Count: 100,000,000,000,000. I take it all back -- that bit alone is like a hundred trillion jokes. Jerry Seinfeld was worth every penny! I actually just came to after passing out from over-laughing. I'm typing this from an ambulance where I'm being treated for a fractured rib cage -- from laughing way too hard at the inherent comedy in blending observational Jewish humor with PC-based operating system marketing! Wooooooo!

The Future. Delicious. (Windows logo)

So, to recap, here's what I take away from this ad:

1. Microsoft is a shoe company.
2. Even rich people like discounts.
3. Jerry Seinfeld stopped being funny, somehow.
4. Hey, those Mac vs. PC ads are pretty funny, huh?
5. Oh, guess I was wrong on point #1 - Microsoft has something to do with computers, not shoes.
6. The future is delicious.
7. Okay, figured it out -- Microsoft sells churros.
8. I am going to buy a Mac immediately.

One would have to think that Crispin Porter + Bogusky's reign atop the advertising world is coming to an end very soon.

What the hell are you selling?

You may have seen the HP commercials where they show some famous person's hands displaying the features of their laptops. They've used Serena Williams, Vera Wang, Jay-Z and others in the past, and their newest iteration features comedian Jerry Seinfeld. For those of you familiar with his stand up routines and eponymously named television show, you probably remember Seinfeld as being funny -- hilarious, even. Prepare to be surprised:



Seinfeld: Well If I'm going to do one of those HP computer hand commercial things, I gotta be impressive.

Very "meta" here right at the beginning -- referencing the ad campaign you're currently extending. I guess that's one way to go. Perhaps rather than attempting to be "impressive," Seinfeld should have tried to be "funny."

Seinfeld: Here's my newly-designed basketball stadium. Wait, that's not me.

This is the "funny" part. Don't get it? Why, didn't you see and somehow remember every detail in this other HP commercial a few years ago? Now do you understand the hilarity? If you didn't guffaw the first time you heard his joke, I urge you to write a note of apology and send it to Mr. Seinfeld.

Seinfeld: I did a TV show about New York, and now I've made a movie that takes place in New York, except in this, I'm a bee!

Man, can't a guy just watch a 1-minute commercial for a computer company without a million interruptions? Not only do we get a plug for the '90's hit sit-com "Seinfeld," but we also get one for the long-hyped, heroically-publicized "Bee Movie."

Incidentally, "Bee Movie" currently has a 51% positive review rating on Rotten Tomatoes. That = not good.

Seinfeld: Hang on, message from the wife - oh, it's a manuscript for her new cookbook that gets kids eatin' better without them knowing it. There's carrots in there, ya know.

Another non-HP product: Jessica Seinfeld's book, "Deceptively Delicious." Now, this one I'm pretty sure they don't want to be associated with. Turns out the publisher of Seinfeld's book turned down the manuscript for a nearly-identical cookbook called "The Sneaky Chef" half a year before "Deceptively Delicious" came out.

In defending his wife against claims of plagiarism, Seinfeld took the high road -- calling "The Sneaky Chef"'s author a "wacko" and would-be assassin. Comedy gold.

Seinfeld: She's a genius.

Top 5 Smartest Things in History
1. Theory of Relativity
2. "Principia Mathematica"
3. Mapping the Human Genome
4. Baking spinach into brownies, making them incrementally healthier
5. Theory of Natural Selection

Seinfeld: Oh, message from DreamWorks - don't forget, two "Bee Movie" mentions in HP spot.

Another third party mention with the studio name drop. What's worse, plugging your movie in a commercial for an unrelated product, or calling attention to the fact that you mandated that very same plug?

For the record, it's actually three mentions ("Bee Movie" logo appears on-screen at the end.)

Seinfeld: You know what? This is a business lunch.

Oh, don't worry -- we picked up on that. Whatever you're doing, Seinfeld, it's definitely unrelated to comedy.

Announcer: The HP Pavilion Entertainment notebook with Windows Vista Home Premium.

Final non-HP product tally in this HP commercial: "Bee Movie," "Deceptively Delicious," DreamWorks, "Bee Movie" again, Windows, Vista, "Bee Movie" a-fucking-gain.

7 other product mentions in your commercial. And what was it, exactly, that you wanted me to buy, HP?