One of our Twitter followers, @Telos09, brought the following ad to my attention a couple weeks ago. It's been a while since we've taken a "request," for lack of a better term, so let's get into it.
Painful.
Woman: "Uh, what's the Loaded Baked Potato Skillet like?"
Let me stop right here. Are there really people who go into Denny's and start asking the waitstaff to give opinions on what the food is like? This is the kind of thing you do at a real restaurant, where maybe you're not sure if the preparation is going to be what you want. Is a dish too spicy? How's the meat prepared? That kind of thing. At Denny's this is not an issue. What's the Loaded Baked Potato Skillet like? Uh, it's like we threw some potatoes and other shit into a pan and then cooked it for five minutes.
Waitress: "It's like, uh..." [makes sizzle sounds]
Kid in nearby booth: "No, it's more like:" [makes sizzle sounds]
Douchebag at a nearby table: "If you have prime rib, it's like:" [makes sizzle sounds]
Okay, everyone just shut the fuck up. And I know Denny's is just trying to work all the skillets into this ad, but prime rib? Who the fuck asked you about prime rib, dude? We're talking about the Loaded Baked Potato Skillet at the moment. Fuck off.
Old lady: "The Western Skillet's like:" [makes sizzle sounds]
NO ONE CARES.
The ad then cuts between all the people doing their stupid sounds in a way that reminded me immediately of the original Budweiser "Wassup" commercial from, God, what, a decade ago? On the one hand, probably just a coincidence. On the other hand, my mind went there IMMEDIATELY. I don't know. Whatever.
Woman: "Oh, that sounds good, I'll have one of those, please!"
I get the joke. It's not funny.
Guy: "I'll get the:" [makes sizzle sounds]
Die.
We then see the actual skillets, and man do they just look gross. They don't quite reach Famous Bowl levels, but they really do just look like a bunch of shit tossed into a pan. Yeah, just throw all that shit in there, and then drizzle some other shit on top of it. I am not getting hungry.
Showing posts with label this is why Americans are fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label this is why Americans are fat. Show all posts
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday, September 27, 2010
I'll just stand, thanks
The three and a half years of this blog have seen more than a couple entrants into the field of "most disgusting fast food sandwich," from the BK Stacker to the Baconator to the Bacon Double Homestyle Melt. This one, though, has been notorious ever since it was first announced. KFC, to their credit (maybe?), seems to have embraced the notoriety. But that doesn't really improve things.
Construction Worker: "Today is the day."
Skateboarder: "The day I ignore the voice of reason."
Seriously, that's the pitch? "You know that little voice in the back of your mind telling you that this food item is disgusting and awful? Just block that shit out." I could use the same logic to justify eating a package of Mallomars and washing it down with turkey gravy. You know, in theory.
Office Type: "The day I talk to the girl from accounting."
Not much of a comparable. Unless - is she riddled with STDs? Okay, you win, KFC. This is exactly like working up the nerve to eat your horrible sandwich.
Dude with classic car, for some reason: "The day I ditch the bun."
Okay, not bad - the Atkins diet isn't for everyone, but leaving off a fast food bun, which is a lot of refined white flour, will save you a fair number of calories...
Douchebag on couch: "And demand two meaty fillets!"
Uh oh.
Random guy on street: "Two slices of cheese!"
Guy walking indoors: "And two pieces of bacon."
"And two more notches on your belt." I love how they act like there was actually "demand" for this, like they didn't want to make the Double Down but Joe Back-Fat forced their hand. Does anyone really believe there was some focus group where KFC was testing out a new sandwich, and they kept getting the response "Would be better with entire second chicken fillet and without bun?"
Office Type: "Yeah. I said bacon."
Oh, bacon? Never heard of it. I assume this is some rare ingredient that no one would ever think to put on a fast food sandwich, and thus your extreme emphasis and pride here is not at all mispla- no, no, I'm being told that in fact bacon is quite popular and probably appears on more fast food sandwiches these days than does ketchup.
Construction Worker: "Today's the day... I double down."
And tomorrow is the day you get a stent put in. No, make that two stents! See what I did there?
Voiceover: "The KFC Double Down! Double meat, double cheese, double bacon, double awesome."
Bacon is meat. And this thing really just looks gross. Oh, but it's also in grilled! Sweet, I was worried that two chicken breast fillets plus bacon and cheese might be a smidge too many calories. You do save all of 60 calories (still 480), although astonishingly the grilled version has significantly more cholesterol than the original recipe.
Voiceover: "Get yours today."
Pass.
Douchebag on couch: "So good."
I really don't like this guy. Why is he trying to eye-fuck the camera and only speaking out of one side of his mouth? Fuck him. I have no interest in anything he likes. Anyway, in case you missed him saying "So good," here comes a really obnoxious jingle to spell it out for you. No, seriously:
Jingle: "So S-O, G-Double-O-D Good!"
What the fuck is that stupid bullshit? First of all, "so good" itself is barely an acceptable slogan. Second of all, that is the best you could do for a song? "Hey, let's say the exact same thing twice, except in between the two words we'll spell the whole thing!" Who had to bill KFC for the thirty seconds it took them to write and compose that piece of shit?
This really is the evolution of fatness in America, isn't it? Sure, compared to some other products, the Double Down really isn't that bad - 540 calories and 32 grams of fat in 241 grams, which is absolutely dwarfed by that BK Homestyle Melt (810, 58, 221). But we've gone from "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of these vegetables!" to "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of this worthless bun!", which is just kind of ridiculous. Can you really even still call it a sandwich if it lacks a bun? And what's next? A chicken fillet with bacon and cheese jammed between two hamburger patties? A whole pork belly between two pieces of chicken? A turducken wrapped in bacon? A chicken fillet in between two entire roast pigs? Don't forget the melted butter for dipping!
Construction Worker: "Today is the day."
Skateboarder: "The day I ignore the voice of reason."
Seriously, that's the pitch? "You know that little voice in the back of your mind telling you that this food item is disgusting and awful? Just block that shit out." I could use the same logic to justify eating a package of Mallomars and washing it down with turkey gravy. You know, in theory.
Office Type: "The day I talk to the girl from accounting."
Not much of a comparable. Unless - is she riddled with STDs? Okay, you win, KFC. This is exactly like working up the nerve to eat your horrible sandwich.
Dude with classic car, for some reason: "The day I ditch the bun."
Okay, not bad - the Atkins diet isn't for everyone, but leaving off a fast food bun, which is a lot of refined white flour, will save you a fair number of calories...
Douchebag on couch: "And demand two meaty fillets!"
Uh oh.
Random guy on street: "Two slices of cheese!"
Guy walking indoors: "And two pieces of bacon."
"And two more notches on your belt." I love how they act like there was actually "demand" for this, like they didn't want to make the Double Down but Joe Back-Fat forced their hand. Does anyone really believe there was some focus group where KFC was testing out a new sandwich, and they kept getting the response "Would be better with entire second chicken fillet and without bun?"
Office Type: "Yeah. I said bacon."
Oh, bacon? Never heard of it. I assume this is some rare ingredient that no one would ever think to put on a fast food sandwich, and thus your extreme emphasis and pride here is not at all mispla- no, no, I'm being told that in fact bacon is quite popular and probably appears on more fast food sandwiches these days than does ketchup.
Construction Worker: "Today's the day... I double down."
And tomorrow is the day you get a stent put in. No, make that two stents! See what I did there?
Voiceover: "The KFC Double Down! Double meat, double cheese, double bacon, double awesome."
Bacon is meat. And this thing really just looks gross. Oh, but it's also in grilled! Sweet, I was worried that two chicken breast fillets plus bacon and cheese might be a smidge too many calories. You do save all of 60 calories (still 480), although astonishingly the grilled version has significantly more cholesterol than the original recipe.
Voiceover: "Get yours today."
Pass.
Douchebag on couch: "So good."
I really don't like this guy. Why is he trying to eye-fuck the camera and only speaking out of one side of his mouth? Fuck him. I have no interest in anything he likes. Anyway, in case you missed him saying "So good," here comes a really obnoxious jingle to spell it out for you. No, seriously:
Jingle: "So S-O, G-Double-O-D Good!"
What the fuck is that stupid bullshit? First of all, "so good" itself is barely an acceptable slogan. Second of all, that is the best you could do for a song? "Hey, let's say the exact same thing twice, except in between the two words we'll spell the whole thing!" Who had to bill KFC for the thirty seconds it took them to write and compose that piece of shit?
This really is the evolution of fatness in America, isn't it? Sure, compared to some other products, the Double Down really isn't that bad - 540 calories and 32 grams of fat in 241 grams, which is absolutely dwarfed by that BK Homestyle Melt (810, 58, 221). But we've gone from "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of these vegetables!" to "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of this worthless bun!", which is just kind of ridiculous. Can you really even still call it a sandwich if it lacks a bun? And what's next? A chicken fillet with bacon and cheese jammed between two hamburger patties? A whole pork belly between two pieces of chicken? A turducken wrapped in bacon? A chicken fillet in between two entire roast pigs? Don't forget the melted butter for dipping!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
America shuffles heavily on Dunkin'
Hey! Parents! Are your kids watching too much TV? Get them outside and exercising, am I right? Go have a fun day at the park, toss the frisbee around, whatever! But get the family together for a fun outdoor activity!
Or, stay inside the house eating these frosted tori of fatty, sugary starch! Because that's just good parenting.
Look, Dunkin' Donuts. I'm not offended that you would advertise your product. And I like a good donut now and then. But the concept for this ad just bothers me. Really, that's the best way to get the family together? A box of donuts? That's your magic potion? This is going to be one fat, angry family in ten years.
Or, stay inside the house eating these frosted tori of fatty, sugary starch! Because that's just good parenting.
Look, Dunkin' Donuts. I'm not offended that you would advertise your product. And I like a good donut now and then. But the concept for this ad just bothers me. Really, that's the best way to get the family together? A box of donuts? That's your magic potion? This is going to be one fat, angry family in ten years.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Whopper Virgins deflowered
About a month ago I posted about Burger King's new Whopper Virgins campaign. They were airing a teaser commercial that showed how they traveled to remote places (Thailand countryside, Greenland, Romania, etc.) and asked locals who have never eaten a burger whether they preferred a Whopper or a McDonald's Big Mac. Unsurprisingly, the initial spots incited unease and even anger -- which is what tends to happen when you use poor, isolated peoples as guinea pigs for your fast food products and then put them in your commercials rather than, you know, helping them not starve to death.
So the new ads are way toned down. Here's one example:
Announcer: This woman is a Whopper virgin.
The commercial I really wanted wasn't on YouTube, but it shows a Transylvanian farmer donning an amusing traditional outfit and tiny hat, and the voiceover asks him, "Was it good for you?" Ahh, unnecessary sexuality shoe-horned into a commercial for food. That could only be the hackish work of... Crispin Porter + Bogusky! (To summarize my feelings on that agency, just know that the authors of this site are probably not going to get jobs over there any time soon.)
At least there's no outright, creepy sexuality in this spot -- aside from calling a middle-aged Inuit woman a virgin of some kind.
She's never eaten a burger.
That reminds me. I need someone who doesn't know how to read to tell me if they like this blog or not. I'll publish the results at the top of the page next week.
Will she prefer the Whopper or the Big Mac?
The tension is killing me, Burger King! Just tell me, already, which burger did she like?! Will it possibly be the one you're promoting in this commercial?!?!!!?1111!?
Inuit Woman's translation: "I like this one."
Announcer: It appears she's got a taste for flame-broiled beef.
Well, that settles that! One out of one Inuit people who have no concept of burgers prefers the Whopper! Uh, McDonald's? Might as well close those 14,000 stores, my friends. You've been discredited.... all thanks to the crack research team over at Crispin Porter + Bogusky!
Of course all this didn't stop Crispin Porter from being voted agency of the year by Adweek. In their defense, yes, they won a ton of business this year -- including that huge Microsoft account with the confounding Bill Gates spot. On the other hand, give me a fucking break. Here's an exceprt from that article:
With the Gates-Seinfeld spots coming and going in a flash, it was widely assumed Microsoft pulled them early, in a tacit admission they had flopped. Not the case, says Rob Reilly, Crispin's co-ecd, who, along with co-chairman Alex Bogusky, led the creative pitch for the estimated $300 million Windows assignment in late 2007.
"The point of the Bill and Jerry stuff was to get people thinking about Microsoft in a different way," says Reilly. "So, when 'I'm a PC' came, you were ready for something different. It was always designed to be two weeks. It did exactly what it was supposed to do."
I'm sorry, what? You guys gave Seinfeld ten million dollars, remember? You wanted to pay him ten million just to use him in two commercials? And the result was "exactly" what it was supposed to be? Fuck off.
There's just so much bullshit with the attention whores at CP+B, and no one ever calls their work what it is -- vapid noise. Here's what they do for your brand -- they get publicity, at the expense of everything your brand stands for. Take that Whopper Virgins campaign -- loads of press. But was it good press? There simply is such a thing as bad publicity, especially when you're trying to sell products. Even the response from the normally sympathetic BK audience was tepid -- those commercials on YouTube were getting like 2.5 and 3 stars on average. With the grade inflation on YouTube that's like getting an F. I even saw one comment (not from me, I promise), that said "I'm done with Burger King."
Once again I have to ask -- when will marketers in America end their regrettable love affair with Crispin Porter?
So the new ads are way toned down. Here's one example:
Announcer: This woman is a Whopper virgin.
The commercial I really wanted wasn't on YouTube, but it shows a Transylvanian farmer donning an amusing traditional outfit and tiny hat, and the voiceover asks him, "Was it good for you?" Ahh, unnecessary sexuality shoe-horned into a commercial for food. That could only be the hackish work of... Crispin Porter + Bogusky! (To summarize my feelings on that agency, just know that the authors of this site are probably not going to get jobs over there any time soon.)
At least there's no outright, creepy sexuality in this spot -- aside from calling a middle-aged Inuit woman a virgin of some kind.
She's never eaten a burger.
That reminds me. I need someone who doesn't know how to read to tell me if they like this blog or not. I'll publish the results at the top of the page next week.
Will she prefer the Whopper or the Big Mac?
The tension is killing me, Burger King! Just tell me, already, which burger did she like?! Will it possibly be the one you're promoting in this commercial?!?!!!?1111!?
Inuit Woman's translation: "I like this one."
Announcer: It appears she's got a taste for flame-broiled beef.
Well, that settles that! One out of one Inuit people who have no concept of burgers prefers the Whopper! Uh, McDonald's? Might as well close those 14,000 stores, my friends. You've been discredited.... all thanks to the crack research team over at Crispin Porter + Bogusky!
Of course all this didn't stop Crispin Porter from being voted agency of the year by Adweek. In their defense, yes, they won a ton of business this year -- including that huge Microsoft account with the confounding Bill Gates spot. On the other hand, give me a fucking break. Here's an exceprt from that article:
With the Gates-Seinfeld spots coming and going in a flash, it was widely assumed Microsoft pulled them early, in a tacit admission they had flopped. Not the case, says Rob Reilly, Crispin's co-ecd, who, along with co-chairman Alex Bogusky, led the creative pitch for the estimated $300 million Windows assignment in late 2007.
"The point of the Bill and Jerry stuff was to get people thinking about Microsoft in a different way," says Reilly. "So, when 'I'm a PC' came, you were ready for something different. It was always designed to be two weeks. It did exactly what it was supposed to do."
I'm sorry, what? You guys gave Seinfeld ten million dollars, remember? You wanted to pay him ten million just to use him in two commercials? And the result was "exactly" what it was supposed to be? Fuck off.
There's just so much bullshit with the attention whores at CP+B, and no one ever calls their work what it is -- vapid noise. Here's what they do for your brand -- they get publicity, at the expense of everything your brand stands for. Take that Whopper Virgins campaign -- loads of press. But was it good press? There simply is such a thing as bad publicity, especially when you're trying to sell products. Even the response from the normally sympathetic BK audience was tepid -- those commercials on YouTube were getting like 2.5 and 3 stars on average. With the grade inflation on YouTube that's like getting an F. I even saw one comment (not from me, I promise), that said "I'm done with Burger King."
Once again I have to ask -- when will marketers in America end their regrettable love affair with Crispin Porter?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Whopper Virgins: More Pain from Crispin Porter & BK
About a year ago, Burger King launched themselves into the reality TV landscape with a commercial that utilized a classic marketing "deprivation exercise." The central premise of the ad was, "Hey, what if we stopped selling the one thing people come here to buy?" and the result ended up being, "It turns out people don't like it when they can't buy the one thing they came here for!" Because of this daring commercial experiment, the entire theory of human psychology was thrown into chaos, textbooks were rewritten, and legions of top research professors resigned in disgrace. Almost. Actually what happened was the exact thing that anyone with a brain would have predicted: people get angry when they can't buy a Whopper at a Burger King.
Funny thing: BK, and their stalwart marketing partner Crispin Porter + Bo-fucking-Gusky, aren't quite finished exploring the realm of ill thought-out reality advertising:
What happens when you take remote Chiang Mai villagers...
Man, BK. You've gone pretty low before -- low humor, low class, low accountability -- but now you're forcing destitute people in developing countries (and Thailand is, right now, wildly unstable and dangerous) to do your advertising? What, are they there for your amusement? How much does a Thai villager get paid to eat a burger?
Who've never seen a burger, who don't even have a word for "burger"...
Gee, people who don't know what good burgers are? Sounds like an excellent audience to judge burgers.
"You've never had blood cake before? Okay, try this pig blood cake. Now try this yak blood cake. Which was less disgusting? Oh dude! Yak blood cake totally beats the shit out of pig blood cake!!"
And ask them to compare Whopper versus Big Mac in the world's purest taste test...
Define "purest." This is beginning to sound like BK wants to take up the white man's burden here.
The Whopper is America's favorite, but what will these people choose
"These people"!!
"Yeah, I know you don't know what they are. They're burgers. Burgers. Just eat them. Okay, now pick one. No, pick the other one. Great, thanks. Now get back to your hut, or wherever you people live."
The Whopper Virgins will decide.
And when you go to the site you will find out they they will air a "documentary" in a week or so and reveal what the disenfranchised, burger-less peoples of the third world decided regarding Whoppers and Big Macs. Now what do you suppose they chose? It would be pretty embarrassing if Burger King spent all this money to advertise this, and it turned out that the Virgins picked Big Mac!
In his most recent post, Windier posited some criteria regarding the "worst commercial ever made." Let's evaluate the "Whopper Virgins" spot here: (a) being incredibly unfunny? Check. (b) featuring things that no human would ever say? In a way, yes -- certainly eating a Whopper is not something a Thai villager would ever do. (c) being really creepy. Oh yes. (d) Racist. Big check mark. And then I might also add (e) saying absolutely nothing useful or differentiating about the product. When you're asking people who lack the experience and interest to effectively evaluate your product to compare it against a competitor's, you're essentially admitting that you just have nothing worthwhile to talk about. I mean, you don't see NetJets asking me if I prefer owning a share of a private jet or owning my own jet outright. You know why? Because I have no way of judging between those two. I am not in their target audience.
Once again I ask: When will Burger King and Crispin Porter stop? Hey, why not call BK's customer relations (1-305-378-3535) and let them know how you feel?
Funny thing: BK, and their stalwart marketing partner Crispin Porter + Bo-fucking-Gusky, aren't quite finished exploring the realm of ill thought-out reality advertising:
What happens when you take remote Chiang Mai villagers...
Man, BK. You've gone pretty low before -- low humor, low class, low accountability -- but now you're forcing destitute people in developing countries (and Thailand is, right now, wildly unstable and dangerous) to do your advertising? What, are they there for your amusement? How much does a Thai villager get paid to eat a burger?
Who've never seen a burger, who don't even have a word for "burger"...
Gee, people who don't know what good burgers are? Sounds like an excellent audience to judge burgers.
"You've never had blood cake before? Okay, try this pig blood cake. Now try this yak blood cake. Which was less disgusting? Oh dude! Yak blood cake totally beats the shit out of pig blood cake!!"
And ask them to compare Whopper versus Big Mac in the world's purest taste test...
Define "purest." This is beginning to sound like BK wants to take up the white man's burden here.
The Whopper is America's favorite, but what will these people choose
"These people"!!
"Yeah, I know you don't know what they are. They're burgers. Burgers. Just eat them. Okay, now pick one. No, pick the other one. Great, thanks. Now get back to your hut, or wherever you people live."
The Whopper Virgins will decide.
And when you go to the site you will find out they they will air a "documentary" in a week or so and reveal what the disenfranchised, burger-less peoples of the third world decided regarding Whoppers and Big Macs. Now what do you suppose they chose? It would be pretty embarrassing if Burger King spent all this money to advertise this, and it turned out that the Virgins picked Big Mac!
In his most recent post, Windier posited some criteria regarding the "worst commercial ever made." Let's evaluate the "Whopper Virgins" spot here: (a) being incredibly unfunny? Check. (b) featuring things that no human would ever say? In a way, yes -- certainly eating a Whopper is not something a Thai villager would ever do. (c) being really creepy. Oh yes. (d) Racist. Big check mark. And then I might also add (e) saying absolutely nothing useful or differentiating about the product. When you're asking people who lack the experience and interest to effectively evaluate your product to compare it against a competitor's, you're essentially admitting that you just have nothing worthwhile to talk about. I mean, you don't see NetJets asking me if I prefer owning a share of a private jet or owning my own jet outright. You know why? Because I have no way of judging between those two. I am not in their target audience.
Once again I ask: When will Burger King and Crispin Porter stop? Hey, why not call BK's customer relations (1-305-378-3535) and let them know how you feel?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Take our word for it -- our product is good for you!
Forget everything you know about high fructose corn syrup. Now watch this ad and see if you think it's safe:
Now, I'm not a nutritionist (summary: corn syrup has stronger links to obesity and various diseases than sugar), and I'm not an environmental expert (summary: along with ethanol, corn syrup discourages crop diversity and requires more use of pesticides) -- so let's just look at the commercial itself to see if it really serves to sway opinion.
Mom #1: (looking at the unlabeled jug of red juice being poured at kids birthday party) Wow, you don't care what the kids eat, huh?
Mom #2: Excuse me?
Mom #1: That has high fructose corn syrup in it.
Mom #2: And?
AND it's murdering your children, lady! That liquid just bubbled up from Hell!! You're serving your children sweet, syrupy death juice!!!
I mean come on -- just blithely dismissing the notion that a chemical might, might, be dangerous to your child's health? I think the public deserves a little bit more information than a character in a commercial just being like "So? There's a weird chemical in my kid's food? Who gives a shit? He ain't dead yet, okay?"
Mom #1: You know what they say about it.
Mom #2: (still smugly pouring sweetened juice) Like what?
Mom #1: I mea-- uh....
Apparently corn syrup critics are also the stupidest, least informed people in the universe.... according to the Corn Refiner's Association.
Mom #2: (arrogantly and profusely patronizing) That's it's made from corn?
And the potent narcotic opium is made from poppies. Your point?
Mom #2: Doesn't have artificial ingredients....
Nothing from nature has ever killed anybody, right?
Mom #2: ... and like sugar, it's fine in moderation?
Mom #1: (picks up glass of corn syrup liquid, takes swig)
Apparently corn syrup critics are also the most easily persuaded people in the universe... according to the Corn Refiner's Assocation.
So, did you think corn syrup was somehow bad for you before you saw this ad? Yeah? Well I bet you feel like a complete asshole now! If you want to be talked down to some more, and see more complete dummies like you suggest that corn syrup isn't the single greatest ingredient on Planet fucking Earth, then check out Sweet Surprise.com here. Because there are two more ads that follow this exact template, each more patronizing and insulting than the next!
Here's the thing about this commercial -- besides being a misleading, information-less vamp, does it really do anything to quell people's misgivings about corn syrup? Say you knew nothing about corn syrup when you saw the ad -- wouldn't this obvious snow job make you awfully suspicious? Wouldn't you want to do some digging to find out more (and by digging around I mean going to places other than SweetSurprise.com)?
"High Fructose Corn Syrup: What do you mean you've heard it's unhealthy and environmentally destructive? Haven't you seen our ad?!?"
Now, I'm not a nutritionist (summary: corn syrup has stronger links to obesity and various diseases than sugar), and I'm not an environmental expert (summary: along with ethanol, corn syrup discourages crop diversity and requires more use of pesticides) -- so let's just look at the commercial itself to see if it really serves to sway opinion.
Mom #1: (looking at the unlabeled jug of red juice being poured at kids birthday party) Wow, you don't care what the kids eat, huh?
Mom #2: Excuse me?
Mom #1: That has high fructose corn syrup in it.
Mom #2: And?
AND it's murdering your children, lady! That liquid just bubbled up from Hell!! You're serving your children sweet, syrupy death juice!!!
I mean come on -- just blithely dismissing the notion that a chemical might, might, be dangerous to your child's health? I think the public deserves a little bit more information than a character in a commercial just being like "So? There's a weird chemical in my kid's food? Who gives a shit? He ain't dead yet, okay?"
Mom #1: You know what they say about it.
Mom #2: (still smugly pouring sweetened juice) Like what?
Mom #1: I mea-- uh....
Apparently corn syrup critics are also the stupidest, least informed people in the universe.... according to the Corn Refiner's Association.
Mom #2: (arrogantly and profusely patronizing) That's it's made from corn?
And the potent narcotic opium is made from poppies. Your point?
Mom #2: Doesn't have artificial ingredients....
Nothing from nature has ever killed anybody, right?
Mom #2: ... and like sugar, it's fine in moderation?
Mom #1: (picks up glass of corn syrup liquid, takes swig)
Apparently corn syrup critics are also the most easily persuaded people in the universe... according to the Corn Refiner's Assocation.
So, did you think corn syrup was somehow bad for you before you saw this ad? Yeah? Well I bet you feel like a complete asshole now! If you want to be talked down to some more, and see more complete dummies like you suggest that corn syrup isn't the single greatest ingredient on Planet fucking Earth, then check out Sweet Surprise.com here. Because there are two more ads that follow this exact template, each more patronizing and insulting than the next!
Here's the thing about this commercial -- besides being a misleading, information-less vamp, does it really do anything to quell people's misgivings about corn syrup? Say you knew nothing about corn syrup when you saw the ad -- wouldn't this obvious snow job make you awfully suspicious? Wouldn't you want to do some digging to find out more (and by digging around I mean going to places other than SweetSurprise.com)?
"High Fructose Corn Syrup: What do you mean you've heard it's unhealthy and environmentally destructive? Haven't you seen our ad?!?"
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My arteries are clogged with yellow gold!
During this year's Olympics, the ads were actually surprisingly palatable... for the most part. Then there was this one.
Many people have noted the silliness of having the world's best-conditioned athletes shilling for products like McDonald's and Coca-Cola, but if you remember what Michael Phelps' daily diet looked like, it might not be the most ridiculous thing in the world. And I get the joke that we're supposed to think they're talking about a gold medal when they're actually talking about a chicken sandwich. But here's the part that really bugged me:
Weightlifter: "I've been dreaming about it..."
Boxer: "...since I was a kid."
Soccer player: "The perfect chicken sandwich."
They've been dreaming about it since they were kids? What? Were you dreaming about this exact combination of herbs and spices in the breading? Really?
Announcer: "Introducing McDonald's new Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich."
Boxer: "It's perfectly seasoned."
Gymnast: "It's juicy."
Fencer: "It's just how I like it!"
What? It's just how you like it? How the fuck is that possible? Did your mom used to make chicken sandwiches just like this? This makes no sense, at least until you consider that the Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich is basically an enormous ripoff of Chick-Fil-A's basic chicken sandwich. So maybe if you grew up in the South and went to Chick-Fil-A all the time, this sandwich actually would be "perfectly seasoned" and "just how you like it."
Announcer: "All-white meat chicken served warm with pickles on a steamed, buttery-tasting bun."
Served warm? Well, thank God. There's nothing I hate more than ice-cold chicken sandwiches. Also, the bun is "buttery-tasting"? So, I assume there isn't actually any butter on it?
Track athlete: "Why settle for silver..."
Gymnast: "...when you can get gold?"
I'm starting to wonder just how tongue-in-cheek the medal comparison is really meant to be. Also, what is "silver" in this case? Did Burger King introduce a Nevada Prospector Melt while I wasn't looking? Maybe we should be looking forward to Crispin Porter's next offering, in which the King, dressed as William Jennings Bryan, gives a speech about how McDonald's is not going to crucify mankind on a cross of Southern-style chicken.
Many people have noted the silliness of having the world's best-conditioned athletes shilling for products like McDonald's and Coca-Cola, but if you remember what Michael Phelps' daily diet looked like, it might not be the most ridiculous thing in the world. And I get the joke that we're supposed to think they're talking about a gold medal when they're actually talking about a chicken sandwich. But here's the part that really bugged me:
Weightlifter: "I've been dreaming about it..."
Boxer: "...since I was a kid."
Soccer player: "The perfect chicken sandwich."
They've been dreaming about it since they were kids? What? Were you dreaming about this exact combination of herbs and spices in the breading? Really?
Announcer: "Introducing McDonald's new Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich."
Boxer: "It's perfectly seasoned."
Gymnast: "It's juicy."
Fencer: "It's just how I like it!"
What? It's just how you like it? How the fuck is that possible? Did your mom used to make chicken sandwiches just like this? This makes no sense, at least until you consider that the Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich is basically an enormous ripoff of Chick-Fil-A's basic chicken sandwich. So maybe if you grew up in the South and went to Chick-Fil-A all the time, this sandwich actually would be "perfectly seasoned" and "just how you like it."
Announcer: "All-white meat chicken served warm with pickles on a steamed, buttery-tasting bun."
Served warm? Well, thank God. There's nothing I hate more than ice-cold chicken sandwiches. Also, the bun is "buttery-tasting"? So, I assume there isn't actually any butter on it?
Track athlete: "Why settle for silver..."
Gymnast: "...when you can get gold?"
I'm starting to wonder just how tongue-in-cheek the medal comparison is really meant to be. Also, what is "silver" in this case? Did Burger King introduce a Nevada Prospector Melt while I wasn't looking? Maybe we should be looking forward to Crispin Porter's next offering, in which the King, dressed as William Jennings Bryan, gives a speech about how McDonald's is not going to crucify mankind on a cross of Southern-style chicken.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Square one
Oh, Wendy's. When you mercifully abandoned the red wig campaign, I was right there with you. And when you introduced your new ad campaign and some people didn't like it, I backed you up. But here you are, backsliding into the realm of lazy comedy. If you can even call what follows "comedy."
[Wendy sticks an "I *heart* BACON" button on the screen]
Is anyone else sensing the crushing irony here?
Woman: "This salad is really good, you want a bite?"
All right! Score a point for Wendy's. They have salads, which are actually pretty decent alternatives from a health standpoint if you find yourself with little more than fast food options for lunch. In fact, the healthy-living site SparkPeople recently posted an article about healthy choices at the major fast-food joints and specifically cited Wendy's Mandarin Chicken Salad. But I'm confused - why the bacon button to lead a commercial about healthy salads? Uh oh.
Man: "No, no, thank you, I'm a meatatarian."
This isn't The OED Wizards, so I'm going to ignore the improper etymological construction of that fake word (except to note it here so everyone can see how smart I am) and focus more on the fact that Wendy's thinks this is funny. What a concept! A guy who - I'm going to presume before even transcribing any more of the ad - only eats meat, and consequently rejects vegetables. Wendy's: We may have really good salads... if you're some kind of girl. By the way, if this concept seems a bit familiar, that's because it kind of is.
Woman: [extremely long pause, during which she isn't sure whether to be incredulous or disgusted and opts instead for near-total blankness]: "A what?"
Man: "A meatatarian? I only eat meat - beef, bacon? You know, meatatarian?"
I hate you. What is it with Wendy's and these horrible smug pitchmen? Really, I hate the entire trope - recognizable from those appalling Comcast ads - of pretending that a word you just made up is actually a common English word and that the person in the ad who doesn't recognize it is a moron. It's a lazy joke and insults the intelligence of the audience. Plus the dialogue here isn't tremendously logical - the guy clearly eats cheese and wheat, two things that are not meat products. And when he says "I only eat meat - beef, bacon," is it because those are the only two meats he eats, because he thinks those are the only two meats in existence, or because he thinks the woman is so stupid that she needs examples of meat listed off for her? For that matter, why don't they just have the guy say he's a Baconatarian if they're going to do it this way? For that matter, this guy is a fucking jerkoff.
Woman: "...oh."
Man: "It's a personal choice. You have to commit to it, you know?"
Yeah, by all means, commit to eating 830 calories in sandwich form at every meal. We can also see that he has fries and a drink on the table (two other things that are not meat). Assuming that's a medium fries and a medium Sprite, he has 1450 calories in front of him, 71 grams of fat (26 saturated), 142 grams of carbohydrates and 2,290 milligrams of sodium. Recommended intakes vary, but that's around 100% of your fat (and saturated fat) and sodium, and between 60 and 70 percent of your calories. In one sitting. Then, of course, you have to have dinner. The meatatarian's dinner? Another Baconator, presumably. I guess this is all right if you're Don Gorske, but that's 2900 calories from two square-burger meals (haw!), far too much for the average adult.
Other things that this guy should commit to:
* An exercise program
* Saving up for quintuple-bypass surgery
* Making out his will
Wendy: "The Wendy's Baconator. Six strips of hickory smoked bacon, on two quarter-pound patties of fresh, never frozen beef. It's waaaay better than fast food. It's Wendy's."
I guess if you're going to be eating this horribly, you might as well do it at Wendy's. That's not exactly an endorsement.
Wendy: "Have a way better shake way later. Enjoy a hand-spun Frosty shake late at night."
Top off that Baconator with a chocolate shake! Even the small is another 410 calories. I know that railing against how bad fast food is for you is pretty old at this point, and not exactly the mission of this site, but even the stupidest ads that are just stupid aren't as offensive as the kind that pitch 1500-calorie meals as a "lifestyle choice," even if it's intended as humor. (It's not like Wendy's doesn't want you eating at Wendy's all the time. "What are you, here for another Baconator? I don't think so, pal. Go home and have some fresh fruit." And given that they effectively mocked their own healthier choices within this ad... well, it makes you wonder, doesn't it?)
To get back to straight ad criticism, the animated Wendy's hand reaching for the for-real shake really creeps me the fuck out, especially because she's wearing an outfit that today is only seen on circus clowns.
[Wendy sticks an "I *heart* BACON" button on the screen]
Is anyone else sensing the crushing irony here?
Woman: "This salad is really good, you want a bite?"
All right! Score a point for Wendy's. They have salads, which are actually pretty decent alternatives from a health standpoint if you find yourself with little more than fast food options for lunch. In fact, the healthy-living site SparkPeople recently posted an article about healthy choices at the major fast-food joints and specifically cited Wendy's Mandarin Chicken Salad. But I'm confused - why the bacon button to lead a commercial about healthy salads? Uh oh.
Man: "No, no, thank you, I'm a meatatarian."
This isn't The OED Wizards, so I'm going to ignore the improper etymological construction of that fake word (except to note it here so everyone can see how smart I am) and focus more on the fact that Wendy's thinks this is funny. What a concept! A guy who - I'm going to presume before even transcribing any more of the ad - only eats meat, and consequently rejects vegetables. Wendy's: We may have really good salads... if you're some kind of girl. By the way, if this concept seems a bit familiar, that's because it kind of is.
Woman: [extremely long pause, during which she isn't sure whether to be incredulous or disgusted and opts instead for near-total blankness]: "A what?"
Man: "A meatatarian? I only eat meat - beef, bacon? You know, meatatarian?"
I hate you. What is it with Wendy's and these horrible smug pitchmen? Really, I hate the entire trope - recognizable from those appalling Comcast ads - of pretending that a word you just made up is actually a common English word and that the person in the ad who doesn't recognize it is a moron. It's a lazy joke and insults the intelligence of the audience. Plus the dialogue here isn't tremendously logical - the guy clearly eats cheese and wheat, two things that are not meat products. And when he says "I only eat meat - beef, bacon," is it because those are the only two meats he eats, because he thinks those are the only two meats in existence, or because he thinks the woman is so stupid that she needs examples of meat listed off for her? For that matter, why don't they just have the guy say he's a Baconatarian if they're going to do it this way? For that matter, this guy is a fucking jerkoff.
Woman: "...oh."
Man: "It's a personal choice. You have to commit to it, you know?"
Yeah, by all means, commit to eating 830 calories in sandwich form at every meal. We can also see that he has fries and a drink on the table (two other things that are not meat). Assuming that's a medium fries and a medium Sprite, he has 1450 calories in front of him, 71 grams of fat (26 saturated), 142 grams of carbohydrates and 2,290 milligrams of sodium. Recommended intakes vary, but that's around 100% of your fat (and saturated fat) and sodium, and between 60 and 70 percent of your calories. In one sitting. Then, of course, you have to have dinner. The meatatarian's dinner? Another Baconator, presumably. I guess this is all right if you're Don Gorske, but that's 2900 calories from two square-burger meals (haw!), far too much for the average adult.
Other things that this guy should commit to:
* An exercise program
* Saving up for quintuple-bypass surgery
* Making out his will
Wendy: "The Wendy's Baconator. Six strips of hickory smoked bacon, on two quarter-pound patties of fresh, never frozen beef. It's waaaay better than fast food. It's Wendy's."
I guess if you're going to be eating this horribly, you might as well do it at Wendy's. That's not exactly an endorsement.
Wendy: "Have a way better shake way later. Enjoy a hand-spun Frosty shake late at night."
Top off that Baconator with a chocolate shake! Even the small is another 410 calories. I know that railing against how bad fast food is for you is pretty old at this point, and not exactly the mission of this site, but even the stupidest ads that are just stupid aren't as offensive as the kind that pitch 1500-calorie meals as a "lifestyle choice," even if it's intended as humor. (It's not like Wendy's doesn't want you eating at Wendy's all the time. "What are you, here for another Baconator? I don't think so, pal. Go home and have some fresh fruit." And given that they effectively mocked their own healthier choices within this ad... well, it makes you wonder, doesn't it?)
To get back to straight ad criticism, the animated Wendy's hand reaching for the for-real shake really creeps me the fuck out, especially because she's wearing an outfit that today is only seen on circus clowns.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
So stupid people may think BK thinks you're stupid
Is there any point in going after Burger King commercials any more? It's pretty clear that the 2% of the television audience BK is speaking to seems to like what they do. On the other hand, it's really painful for the rest of us to have to sit through it all. So in the spirit of attacking things that aren't targeted towards me, why don't we check out one more Burger King ad:
Guy #1: The Steakhouse from Burger King? What'd you do to deserve a burger this special?
Why does anyone need to do something to eat a BK burger, aside from, I suppose, pay for it? Isn't this kind of an absurd concept for a company with the slogan "Have It Your Way"? Isn't the whole BK spirit "We'll get you whatever you want"? I fail to see how "you need to be awesome to eat our burgers" fits in with the brand.
Scientist #1 (dramatically smug): I just discovered a moon orbiting Regulus 279 in the Crab Nebula. It may support life.
So you need to discover a moon to earn that burger. Got it.
Also, don't think for a second that the copywriters at Crispin Porter + Bogusky did even an iota of research before writing this ad. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about when it comes to astronomy (btw, that site's super nerdy, but I think one of the issues is that a moon wouldn't be ordering a star like Regulus, or it'd be called a planet. Also, I'm not so sure Regulus 279 even exists.)
Guy #1: And you?
If such a "moon" could ever be found, I think it would be a big enough deal that the #2 guy finding it would be deserving of a fast food burger as well.
Guy #1: You helped. You either discover a star or you don't. You arrogant punk.
Were you even listening to the commercial you're filming, Guy #1? He said it was a fucking moon, not a star, you ass-tard. I mean, this commercial is just so pock-marked with stupidity, you have to wonder how something like this even sees the air? Can't you just see some asshole copywriter jotting the dialogue down on the margin of a crossword puzzle and then handing it over like "There you go! There's your new commercial!" And then when somebody dares to suggest a slight rewrite to, you know, make the spot make sense, the copywriter would get all pissy and refuse to alter a single word.
Announcer: The new Steakhouse.... so special, people may think you think you're special.
I've written before about how simplicity is paramount when you're trying to convey a message in under 30 seconds to a ADD audience watching loud, colorful TV shows, so I won't bother to repeat myself. Suffice it to say, when you have to decode a slogan to this degree, I think it may be time to consider an alternate option. I had a couple ideas:
"The new Steakhouse: So special people may not care how bad your commercials are."
"The new Steakhouse: So special you might get some really special heart disease from eating it."
"The new Steakhouse: Oh my God that looks disgusting... and what the hell are those, like little French fries you're putting on top? Wow that's nasty."
Guy #1: The Steakhouse from Burger King? What'd you do to deserve a burger this special?
Why does anyone need to do something to eat a BK burger, aside from, I suppose, pay for it? Isn't this kind of an absurd concept for a company with the slogan "Have It Your Way"? Isn't the whole BK spirit "We'll get you whatever you want"? I fail to see how "you need to be awesome to eat our burgers" fits in with the brand.
Scientist #1 (dramatically smug): I just discovered a moon orbiting Regulus 279 in the Crab Nebula. It may support life.
So you need to discover a moon to earn that burger. Got it.
Also, don't think for a second that the copywriters at Crispin Porter + Bogusky did even an iota of research before writing this ad. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about when it comes to astronomy (btw, that site's super nerdy, but I think one of the issues is that a moon wouldn't be ordering a star like Regulus, or it'd be called a planet. Also, I'm not so sure Regulus 279 even exists.)
Guy #1: And you?
Scientist #2: I helped.
If such a "moon" could ever be found, I think it would be a big enough deal that the #2 guy finding it would be deserving of a fast food burger as well.
Guy #1: You helped. You either discover a star or you don't. You arrogant punk.
Were you even listening to the commercial you're filming, Guy #1? He said it was a fucking moon, not a star, you ass-tard. I mean, this commercial is just so pock-marked with stupidity, you have to wonder how something like this even sees the air? Can't you just see some asshole copywriter jotting the dialogue down on the margin of a crossword puzzle and then handing it over like "There you go! There's your new commercial!" And then when somebody dares to suggest a slight rewrite to, you know, make the spot make sense, the copywriter would get all pissy and refuse to alter a single word.
Announcer: The new Steakhouse.... so special, people may think you think you're special.
I've written before about how simplicity is paramount when you're trying to convey a message in under 30 seconds to a ADD audience watching loud, colorful TV shows, so I won't bother to repeat myself. Suffice it to say, when you have to decode a slogan to this degree, I think it may be time to consider an alternate option. I had a couple ideas:
"The new Steakhouse: So special people may not care how bad your commercials are."
"The new Steakhouse: So special you might get some really special heart disease from eating it."
"The new Steakhouse: Do you get the sense we're using 'special' as a euphemism for 'retarded'?"
"The new Steakhouse: Oh my God that looks disgusting... and what the hell are those, like little French fries you're putting on top? Wow that's nasty."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
And for dessert, a triple bypass
This ad from Pizza Hut is probably a year old. But since they're still airing it, I thought I should post about it. About 5 or so years ago, Pizza Hut first launched the P'zone, a kind of amateurish, overly processed calzone stuffed with nasty pizza toppings. Windier and I were still in college at the time, and we kept seeing these Tommy Davidson commercials talking about the "P'zone revolution." Mildly intrigued, but mostly bored, we set out one night to track down a P'zone for ourselves (only Papa Johns delivered in town). When we finally got around to tasting the P'zone, I quickly decided that it would be the last new Pizza Hut product I'd ever try.
P'zone? We meet again:
Boys: Yo Mooch.
This guy is a such a pain that his nickname is "mooch"? You guys gotta get some new friends.
Mooch: What you boys got there?
Guy: It's a P'zone.
Mooch: It's huge.... so, uh...
Boys: No!
Even the description on the YouTube video said this was the "lamest commercial ever made." While I appreciate the enthusiasm, I've certainly seen some lamer comedy in commercials. But yes, this blows. This is just a sad, tired attempt at humor. Anyway, let's cut to the meat of this commercial....
Announcer: It's back, the Pizza Hut P'zone is yours alone. Over one pound -
?!...!!...?!
- of melted cheese and tasty toppings baked in a pizza crust. A big eat for the tiny price of $5.99.
Over one pound! That's sick! Who needs a pound of food? They might as well package this with a flask of Everclear and a money-saving coupon for a carton of cigarettes.
How many of these could one person eat, you may find yourself asking. Luckily, Pizza Hut's figured that out for you. The answer is four and a half. And that record is set by the best competitive eater in the world. A guy who once ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. That ought to tell you something about these P'zones -- 1 P'zone=14.5 hot dogs. Of course, that doesn't stop Pizza Hut from inviting you to try to competitively eat your own P'zones, as it says on its website, "Think you can do better? Then order a P'zone or two right now and hold your own challenge!" What a fun home game for the kids!
And that brings up the question about how healthy it might be to stuff your face with one (or two!) big, meaty P'zone(s) (you know this can't be good):
1 Meaty P'zone -- Calories: 1380. Fat: 58g (90% of daily value.) Sodium: 3460 mg (142% of daily value.)
"Okay, so after I polish off my P'zone I can still have 10% of my daily fat intake left. Perfect. Just enough for a lowfat yogurt and some pita. But, I'll have to wait until mid-day tomorrow before I eat any salt. All in all, a small price to pay for enjoying what looks like a deflated football filled with sebaceous fluid."
Guy: Hey, Mooch, you want one?
Mooch: Yeah!
Guy: Order up! (tosses phone.)
Maybe the YouTube video description was right. This has brought lame comedy to a new.... whatever the superlative of lame comedy is. Doesn't leave me wanting more. Or any to begin with.
P'zone? We meet again:
Boys: Yo Mooch.
This guy is a such a pain that his nickname is "mooch"? You guys gotta get some new friends.
Mooch: What you boys got there?
Guy: It's a P'zone.
Mooch: It's huge.... so, uh...
Boys: No!
Even the description on the YouTube video said this was the "lamest commercial ever made." While I appreciate the enthusiasm, I've certainly seen some lamer comedy in commercials. But yes, this blows. This is just a sad, tired attempt at humor. Anyway, let's cut to the meat of this commercial....
Announcer: It's back, the Pizza Hut P'zone is yours alone. Over one pound -
?!...!!...?!
- of melted cheese and tasty toppings baked in a pizza crust. A big eat for the tiny price of $5.99.
Over one pound! That's sick! Who needs a pound of food? They might as well package this with a flask of Everclear and a money-saving coupon for a carton of cigarettes.
How many of these could one person eat, you may find yourself asking. Luckily, Pizza Hut's figured that out for you. The answer is four and a half. And that record is set by the best competitive eater in the world. A guy who once ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. That ought to tell you something about these P'zones -- 1 P'zone=14.5 hot dogs. Of course, that doesn't stop Pizza Hut from inviting you to try to competitively eat your own P'zones, as it says on its website, "Think you can do better? Then order a P'zone or two right now and hold your own challenge!" What a fun home game for the kids!
And that brings up the question about how healthy it might be to stuff your face with one (or two!) big, meaty P'zone(s) (you know this can't be good):
1 Meaty P'zone -- Calories: 1380. Fat: 58g (90% of daily value.) Sodium: 3460 mg (142% of daily value.)
"Okay, so after I polish off my P'zone I can still have 10% of my daily fat intake left. Perfect. Just enough for a lowfat yogurt and some pita. But, I'll have to wait until mid-day tomorrow before I eat any salt. All in all, a small price to pay for enjoying what looks like a deflated football filled with sebaceous fluid."
Guy: Hey, Mooch, you want one?
Mooch: Yeah!
Guy: Order up! (tosses phone.)
Maybe the YouTube video description was right. This has brought lame comedy to a new.... whatever the superlative of lame comedy is. Doesn't leave me wanting more. Or any to begin with.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Whatever
I have a feeling SkyMall knows how easy it is to make fun of them. Other sites lampoon their products, too. So, I don't feel bad about these kind of posts. Without further ado....
Ohhh. Yes, please do. Let's take a look at some of these catalog items to see what we can use that thoughtful gift certificate on....
***
Do you crave the delicious taste of convenience store food without the inconvenient drive?
So glad this is finally available. I often cook 8 hot dogs at a time and think to myself, "Why can't there be a easier, goofier way to do this?"
1950s diner-style dogs roll in from the past!
So... this is some kind of culinary time machine, too? Or does it come with relic hot dogs from the 1950's?
***
Do you suffer from muscle tension? Try our patented Neckpro Traction Device, new from Kevorkian Home Solutions Enterprises....
"Noooo! Don't significantly reduce neck pain, Harold! You have so much to live for!"
***
SkyMall has delivered us from the indignity of getting hammered on luke-warm alcohol....
Nothing goes down smoother than an ice-cold shot of your favorite liquor.
Nothing. That shot's going down smoother than a Sig Ep's pickup line. Even mineral water is going to taste like hot tar compared to fifteen-degree SoCo, baby.
Features LED illumination for an eye-catching bottle display.
And you'll be too shit-faced to notice that the eye-catching bottle display is upside down.
Simply attach your bottle of choice and let the liquor drop to a temperature colder than ice
Gee, sounds even simpler than placing your bottle of choice into your freezer, which would have the same effect.
Does the name "Lil' Chill Shot" sounds a little too like a Polly Pocket toy for something that could dispense 190-proof Everclear at a frat party?
***
Reality check: This man is unironically wearing a neon electric guitar-emblazoned jump suit....
Day-omn. That dude is getting the lad-ies! I hope they have baby blue Smurf Jammerz in adult sizes, too.
***
For the high-street man-about-town with more than one, but fewer than six, designer timepieces....
Protect Your Expensive Watches...
.... by placing them in this easy-to-steal, convenient carrying case for the burglar with an eye for fine wrist-wear.
Looks great on dresser, too.
Sometimes even SkyMall simply runs out of things to say. "Looks great next to clarinet case in late afternoon sunlight on a windowsill of a Connecticut farm house."
***
So, still not sure what to do with that SkyMall gift certificate? When faced with the choice between worthless crap, and hilarious worthless crap, I think the only thing to do is: regift the gift certificate.
Ohhh. Yes, please do. Let's take a look at some of these catalog items to see what we can use that thoughtful gift certificate on....***
Do you crave the delicious taste of convenience store food without the inconvenient drive?
So glad this is finally available. I often cook 8 hot dogs at a time and think to myself, "Why can't there be a easier, goofier way to do this?"1950s diner-style dogs roll in from the past!
So... this is some kind of culinary time machine, too? Or does it come with relic hot dogs from the 1950's?
***
Do you suffer from muscle tension? Try our patented Neckpro Traction Device, new from Kevorkian Home Solutions Enterprises....
"Noooo! Don't significantly reduce neck pain, Harold! You have so much to live for!"***
SkyMall has delivered us from the indignity of getting hammered on luke-warm alcohol....
Nothing goes down smoother than an ice-cold shot of your favorite liquor.Nothing. That shot's going down smoother than a Sig Ep's pickup line. Even mineral water is going to taste like hot tar compared to fifteen-degree SoCo, baby.
Features LED illumination for an eye-catching bottle display.
And you'll be too shit-faced to notice that the eye-catching bottle display is upside down.
Simply attach your bottle of choice and let the liquor drop to a temperature colder than ice
Gee, sounds even simpler than placing your bottle of choice into your freezer, which would have the same effect.
Does the name "Lil' Chill Shot" sounds a little too like a Polly Pocket toy for something that could dispense 190-proof Everclear at a frat party?
***
Reality check: This man is unironically wearing a neon electric guitar-emblazoned jump suit....
Day-omn. That dude is getting the lad-ies! I hope they have baby blue Smurf Jammerz in adult sizes, too.***
For the high-street man-about-town with more than one, but fewer than six, designer timepieces....
Protect Your Expensive Watches....... by placing them in this easy-to-steal, convenient carrying case for the burglar with an eye for fine wrist-wear.
Looks great on dresser, too.
Sometimes even SkyMall simply runs out of things to say. "Looks great next to clarinet case in late afternoon sunlight on a windowsill of a Connecticut farm house."
***
So, still not sure what to do with that SkyMall gift certificate? When faced with the choice between worthless crap, and hilarious worthless crap, I think the only thing to do is: regift the gift certificate.
Monday, December 31, 2007
All that yelling made me hungry
Crispin Porter + Bogusky is one of those too-cool-for-school ad shops that happens to be remarkably visible right now. Their clients are huge and well-advertised, so their work is difficult to ignore. Burger King, one of their biggest clients, has been a routine offender on this site, so it should come as no surprise that we think Crispin Porter + Bogusky should fuck off. If you'd like to read a nicely-written critique of the agency, check out this Slate article. If you'd like to look at their latest pile of total crapola on the airwaves, watch this video and read below:
Announcer: We stopped selling the Whopper for one day to see what would happen.
This is, for the record, actual footage of real people. Real people getting irked when they find out a fast food store has stopped selling their marquee product. Their reactions make sense, and it's obvious to predict what would happen. So why they bothered setting the commercial up as a faux science experiment is beyond me.
There are various embarrassing scenes of normal people yelling at the actors in this Burger King, most of which make everyone look insane. In the extended cut (I'm not going to bother linking to it since I don't want anyone to waste 7 minutes of their lives like I did), the people actually seem more reasonable and less bitchy. For instance, the lady who says "I want your manager" says "please" in the full version. So editing the commercial this way just makes people look like bigger idiots than they are -- a cheap shot by both Burger King and Crispin Porter.
Announcer: What happened was, people freaked.
Right, not shocking. This is what everybody expected (thanks for using the very adult word "freaked" by the way.) So what does this commercial tell us about Burger King? Well, they have something called the Whopper, and it's popular. So popular, in fact, that if you took it away, people would get kind of belligerent if you edited their reactions in a certain unfair, dickish way. Beyond that, all this says is the patently obvious.
What would happen if McDonald's took their Big Mac away? What would happen if the Coca-Cola Co. took Sprite away? What would happen if Crispin Porter + Bogusky took their Shitball Broadcast Commercial Department away? Is there a less interesting advertising concept than this?
In the extended version of this hidden camera bit, they have a scene where they put a McDonald's hamburger in the bag of someone who had ordered a Whopper. When the customer complains, the employee/actor says something about how BK couldn't have put that McDonald's hamburger in there because McDonald's (and Wendy's) fries their burgers, and Burger King only has flame broilers. Now that's interesting. That's differentiating. That might even be good enough to make a commercial out of. At the very least you could use that claim to set yourself apart. Instead, we get rough-hewn, dull advertising that's packaged like it's cutting edge. This is not unique. This is not creative. And for the record, seeing people freak out isn't exactly a universal appetite enhancer.
Announcer: We stopped selling the Whopper for one day to see what would happen.
This is, for the record, actual footage of real people. Real people getting irked when they find out a fast food store has stopped selling their marquee product. Their reactions make sense, and it's obvious to predict what would happen. So why they bothered setting the commercial up as a faux science experiment is beyond me.
There are various embarrassing scenes of normal people yelling at the actors in this Burger King, most of which make everyone look insane. In the extended cut (I'm not going to bother linking to it since I don't want anyone to waste 7 minutes of their lives like I did), the people actually seem more reasonable and less bitchy. For instance, the lady who says "I want your manager" says "please" in the full version. So editing the commercial this way just makes people look like bigger idiots than they are -- a cheap shot by both Burger King and Crispin Porter.
Announcer: What happened was, people freaked.
Right, not shocking. This is what everybody expected (thanks for using the very adult word "freaked" by the way.) So what does this commercial tell us about Burger King? Well, they have something called the Whopper, and it's popular. So popular, in fact, that if you took it away, people would get kind of belligerent if you edited their reactions in a certain unfair, dickish way. Beyond that, all this says is the patently obvious.
What would happen if McDonald's took their Big Mac away? What would happen if the Coca-Cola Co. took Sprite away? What would happen if Crispin Porter + Bogusky took their Shitball Broadcast Commercial Department away? Is there a less interesting advertising concept than this?
In the extended version of this hidden camera bit, they have a scene where they put a McDonald's hamburger in the bag of someone who had ordered a Whopper. When the customer complains, the employee/actor says something about how BK couldn't have put that McDonald's hamburger in there because McDonald's (and Wendy's) fries their burgers, and Burger King only has flame broilers. Now that's interesting. That's differentiating. That might even be good enough to make a commercial out of. At the very least you could use that claim to set yourself apart. Instead, we get rough-hewn, dull advertising that's packaged like it's cutting edge. This is not unique. This is not creative. And for the record, seeing people freak out isn't exactly a universal appetite enhancer.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Real men hate lettuce!
The abject horror of the Bacon Double Homestyle Melt from yesterday reminded me of another Burger King ad and product, rolled out in 2006, that made my hair stand on end.
It's hard to know where to begin with this one, isn't it? Personally, I'm pretty repulsed by the product itself - just look at the BK Quad Stacker, the burger on the right at the end of the ad. First of all, how do you even get your mouth around that thing? And my God, just look at it. Sauce, bacon, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef. No one needs a burger this size. Burger King claims it's 1000 calories - and frankly I'm a little doubtful of that math since included in that is the claim that eight strips of bacon are a mere 110 calories - which is already getting up near the halfway mark for recommended calorie intake, and that's before you tack on fries (let's say large, another 500 calories) and a large soda. You're at 1800 calories and it's not even 1 pm. This is definitely the kind of eating behavior we want to encourage in this country.
Of course, the sandwich is bad enough. But it's the attitude behind the sandwich - No Vegetables Allowed, like it's some sort of hamburger clubhouse - that really irks me. It's a fucking tomato, which, to get pedantic for a second, isn't even a damn vegetable. But never mind. It's a tomato. Oh, a tomato? You mean, something that's like 95% water? Hey, how about a few strands of iceberg lettuce? It's not like you're holding the broccoli here. The American use of vegetables in children's diets is so minimal it led the USDA to classify ketchup as a vegetable in the early 1980s, and now you're actively promoting removing all vegetables from adult-oriented food as well? Brilliant. And not just removing them. Vegetables are for wimps. Huge stacks of beef are for "tough guys."
As for why the ad itself is bad, well, how about the casual sexism of "early bun delivery," though at least we didn't get a gratuitous BK employee ass shot. The foreman does get his comeuppance for having said that, but if you're not endorsing the sexism, then you've just made your main pitchman a cretin. Sometimes I wonder if any of the people at whatever agency foists these things upon us even took a marketing class in college.
It's hard to know where to begin with this one, isn't it? Personally, I'm pretty repulsed by the product itself - just look at the BK Quad Stacker, the burger on the right at the end of the ad. First of all, how do you even get your mouth around that thing? And my God, just look at it. Sauce, bacon, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef. No one needs a burger this size. Burger King claims it's 1000 calories - and frankly I'm a little doubtful of that math since included in that is the claim that eight strips of bacon are a mere 110 calories - which is already getting up near the halfway mark for recommended calorie intake, and that's before you tack on fries (let's say large, another 500 calories) and a large soda. You're at 1800 calories and it's not even 1 pm. This is definitely the kind of eating behavior we want to encourage in this country.
Of course, the sandwich is bad enough. But it's the attitude behind the sandwich - No Vegetables Allowed, like it's some sort of hamburger clubhouse - that really irks me. It's a fucking tomato, which, to get pedantic for a second, isn't even a damn vegetable. But never mind. It's a tomato. Oh, a tomato? You mean, something that's like 95% water? Hey, how about a few strands of iceberg lettuce? It's not like you're holding the broccoli here. The American use of vegetables in children's diets is so minimal it led the USDA to classify ketchup as a vegetable in the early 1980s, and now you're actively promoting removing all vegetables from adult-oriented food as well? Brilliant. And not just removing them. Vegetables are for wimps. Huge stacks of beef are for "tough guys."
As for why the ad itself is bad, well, how about the casual sexism of "early bun delivery," though at least we didn't get a gratuitous BK employee ass shot. The foreman does get his comeuppance for having said that, but if you're not endorsing the sexism, then you've just made your main pitchman a cretin. Sometimes I wonder if any of the people at whatever agency foists these things upon us even took a marketing class in college.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Mascot tortures don't upset us
Perhaps this is Burger King's cheeky way of acknowledging the fact that most people are creeped out by the Burger King mascot, but I think even those people were not rooting for him to be murdered.
Long before you get to the point where Burger King is using the contract killing of its corporate mascot for comedy purposes, there are a lot of reasons to despise this ad. Although that's a pretty good one, really.
The graphic "HITMOMS" flashes on the screen
While I will admit to not being sure, I was under the impression that this was the first ad in the series. If that's the case, trying to create a catchy name for these characters is ridiculous. Even if it's not, though, doesn't it seem a little odd to be giving them a cutesy name? "Tee hee! It's funny because seeing 40-something women order a hit is so incongruous! Laffs galore!"
Sally: "You Rick?"
Rick: "Let's not use names."
Sally: "I'm Sally... Jenny... Maggie."
I think she's supposed to be making up pseudonyms. Again, is this something we were supposed to know? I'm forced to assume at this point that this is not in fact the first ad in this series, but it's the first one I've seen, which means Burger King took a risk with this joke; it only makes sense if you've seen previous ads in which names were stated, though I'm now assuming they exist when they might not. Maybe the mom is just supposed to be a dumb broad. Ha ha! She gave their names! Don't send a woman to do a man's job, am I right, fellas?
Rick: "So you wanna whack the King, huh?"
Maggie: "He's got a new Homestyle Melt, on soft buttery bread."
Oh no! Not soft buttery bread! I'm sure it's going to be genuinely soft, and pleasantly buttery - as opposed to "soaked in butter, then left to harden" - because that's how food usually comes off the fast food assembly line, right? How can a homemade sandwich compare with something slapped together by a high school kid making minimum wage that costs three bucks and forces me to drive to get it? Mmmm. Then again, who makes fast-food-style sandwiches at home? Have you ever, in your life, eaten something resembling an Egg McMuffin that wasn't an Egg McMuffin? My mom doesn't have anything in her repertoire that would even begin to resemble the monstrosity advertised here, although there are a lot of different reasons for that.
Rick: "You want it quick and clean, or slow and painful?"
Rick is awfully nonchalant considering how famous his target is, don't you think? Maybe he's secretly an FBI informant. "Yeah, Chief, something about soft buttery bread. I don't know, these bitches are crazy."
Sally: "Take your time."
Score! Aw yeah! The King is going to have his toenails pulled out, you guys!
I mean, why is this funny? Why did Burger King give the green light when their ad agency suggested a campaign based around women who want to see the Burger King get tortured and killed? It seems just a little excessive - not to mention a wee bit distasteful in the current political climate, not to get all Crossfire on you. Although come to think of it, wouldn't a great follow-up ad be one where the King gets waterboarded? Or maybe Sally could slice off the King's ear while "Stuck in the Middle with You" plays in the background. You know, stuff that's funny!
And say there, what exactly is on that sandwich? Oh, it's garlic cheese sauce, bacon, cheese, beef, cheese, beef again, and then yet more cheese at the bottom. Well, I can see why the moms are so angry - they wanted to be the ones to kill their husbands with an 810-calorie sandwich. "It should have been my 58 grams of fat lining his arteries! The King must pay!" That's all in a 221-gram package, by the way. That's right - 26% of this sandwich's weight is fat. Hell, the Baconator is only 18.5% fat! Did Burger King think Wendy's was issuing some kind of "just how fucking disgusting of a sandwich can you make" challenge? Because if so, I think they won. Congratulations, Burger King: you've invented the suitcase nuke of food. I think I might actually want to see the King get tortured now, just for inflicting this thing on the public. Probably not what BK was going for when they ran with the concept.
Long before you get to the point where Burger King is using the contract killing of its corporate mascot for comedy purposes, there are a lot of reasons to despise this ad. Although that's a pretty good one, really.
The graphic "HITMOMS" flashes on the screen
While I will admit to not being sure, I was under the impression that this was the first ad in the series. If that's the case, trying to create a catchy name for these characters is ridiculous. Even if it's not, though, doesn't it seem a little odd to be giving them a cutesy name? "Tee hee! It's funny because seeing 40-something women order a hit is so incongruous! Laffs galore!"
Sally: "You Rick?"
Rick: "Let's not use names."
Sally: "I'm Sally... Jenny... Maggie."
I think she's supposed to be making up pseudonyms. Again, is this something we were supposed to know? I'm forced to assume at this point that this is not in fact the first ad in this series, but it's the first one I've seen, which means Burger King took a risk with this joke; it only makes sense if you've seen previous ads in which names were stated, though I'm now assuming they exist when they might not. Maybe the mom is just supposed to be a dumb broad. Ha ha! She gave their names! Don't send a woman to do a man's job, am I right, fellas?
Rick: "So you wanna whack the King, huh?"
Maggie: "He's got a new Homestyle Melt, on soft buttery bread."
Oh no! Not soft buttery bread! I'm sure it's going to be genuinely soft, and pleasantly buttery - as opposed to "soaked in butter, then left to harden" - because that's how food usually comes off the fast food assembly line, right? How can a homemade sandwich compare with something slapped together by a high school kid making minimum wage that costs three bucks and forces me to drive to get it? Mmmm. Then again, who makes fast-food-style sandwiches at home? Have you ever, in your life, eaten something resembling an Egg McMuffin that wasn't an Egg McMuffin? My mom doesn't have anything in her repertoire that would even begin to resemble the monstrosity advertised here, although there are a lot of different reasons for that.
Rick: "You want it quick and clean, or slow and painful?"
Rick is awfully nonchalant considering how famous his target is, don't you think? Maybe he's secretly an FBI informant. "Yeah, Chief, something about soft buttery bread. I don't know, these bitches are crazy."
Sally: "Take your time."
Score! Aw yeah! The King is going to have his toenails pulled out, you guys!
I mean, why is this funny? Why did Burger King give the green light when their ad agency suggested a campaign based around women who want to see the Burger King get tortured and killed? It seems just a little excessive - not to mention a wee bit distasteful in the current political climate, not to get all Crossfire on you. Although come to think of it, wouldn't a great follow-up ad be one where the King gets waterboarded? Or maybe Sally could slice off the King's ear while "Stuck in the Middle with You" plays in the background. You know, stuff that's funny!
And say there, what exactly is on that sandwich? Oh, it's garlic cheese sauce, bacon, cheese, beef, cheese, beef again, and then yet more cheese at the bottom. Well, I can see why the moms are so angry - they wanted to be the ones to kill their husbands with an 810-calorie sandwich. "It should have been my 58 grams of fat lining his arteries! The King must pay!" That's all in a 221-gram package, by the way. That's right - 26% of this sandwich's weight is fat. Hell, the Baconator is only 18.5% fat! Did Burger King think Wendy's was issuing some kind of "just how fucking disgusting of a sandwich can you make" challenge? Because if so, I think they won. Congratulations, Burger King: you've invented the suitcase nuke of food. I think I might actually want to see the King get tortured now, just for inflicting this thing on the public. Probably not what BK was going for when they ran with the concept.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
The apple of no one's eye
Casual dining restaurants are inessential in many ways - you're paying out the nose for something you could often make a close enough facsimile of at home, and you're certainly not saving much time in the process. So it's not surprising that such restaurants would position themselves in advertising as gathering places, not just as vendors of food. Check out any ad for, say, TGI Friday's, or the Olive Garden.
Leave it to Applebee's - whose previous ad campaigns went as far as to take credit for community bonding and not just mere social bonding - to provide me with a new reason to be annoyed.
[Three members of a family sit around a room. The son is playing video games, the father is on a laptop, and the daughter is doing something difficult to see at this resolution. Possibly texting or reading a book. Who gives a shit, really.]
Spokesapple: "You call this a family room?"
Yeah, but I'm old-fashioned like that. I call things what they are. Maybe I'm crazy, although I'm not the one whose new spokesperson is a sentient apple voiced by Wanda Sykes.
[Cut to the entire family, with now-present Mom in tow, sitting in a booth.]
Spokesapple: "This is a family room! Full of the flavors that bring people together!"
I don't know what to feel right now. Applebee's is taking credit for bringing families together? I'll grant that the family was not having a group hug or driving around solving mysteries like the Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan, but for God's sake, at least they were all in the same damn room. That's a pretty close family by modern standards. Either way, what is happening at Applebee's that wasn't going to happen at the dinner table in their own house? "Say, did you ever notice we talk more at dinner while we're all facing each other than at other times when we're all occupied with other stimuli?" Applebee's really wants families to stare at each other from across a cramped booth, I guess. That's togetherness. For a mere fifteen dollars a person.
[Actual information about the current dinner specials]
The family that consumes 2500 calories in one sitting together, stays together. I think I heard that somewhere.
Spokesapple: "Applebee's! Get it together, baby!"
Oh, Wanda Sykes, you're so sassy. And hip. You use "baby" like it's punctuation. You are also saying a different slogan from what Applebee's has put right up there on the screen. Speaking of things that don't match, what is with the mom's reaction here? What is she laughing at? Am I supposed to believe that the spokesapple's line is overdubbed, and the "real" apple on the set was actually telling a joke or something? Why did they use this footage? Look how the mom is just looking, and then forces a laugh when the apple says "Applebee's!" Maybe that was a punchline to a joke she (it?) was telling off-camera.
Spokesapple: All right, I've been working on this material all day. Ready?
Mom: Okay, shoot.
Spokesapple: Okay, what kind of insects do you get the sweetest honey from?
Mom: I don't know, what kind?
Spokesapple: You don't have a guess?
Mom: Was I supposed to- I mean, I just thought you were going to say the punchline.
Spokesapple: Shit. Okay, can we start over?
Mom: Okay.
Spokesapple: So this time you're just gonna say-
Mom: I'll just say I don't know. So you can say the punchline.
Spokesapple: Okay.
Mom: Okay. Go ahead.
Spokesapple: Okay. So, what kind of insects do you get the sweetest honey from?
Mom: I don't know, what kind?
Spokesapple: Applebee's!
Mom: *mirthless chuckle*
Spokesapple: Oh, you can just go fuck yourself.
By the way, if you thought the "spokesapple" is a term I invented for this post... you would be wrong. If you want to spend the rest of the day punching yourself in the face, check out this YouTube channel. Yet another of those desperate attempts at viral marketing by a big company that really doesn't know much about being cool or interesting. And watch the first 20 seconds of the "Spokesapple Revealed" video. A sentient apple that talks and moves under its own power is strange, but an apple that eats and enjoys onion rings despite conspicuously lacking a mouth? That's just insane.
Leave it to Applebee's - whose previous ad campaigns went as far as to take credit for community bonding and not just mere social bonding - to provide me with a new reason to be annoyed.
[Three members of a family sit around a room. The son is playing video games, the father is on a laptop, and the daughter is doing something difficult to see at this resolution. Possibly texting or reading a book. Who gives a shit, really.]
Spokesapple: "You call this a family room?"
Yeah, but I'm old-fashioned like that. I call things what they are. Maybe I'm crazy, although I'm not the one whose new spokesperson is a sentient apple voiced by Wanda Sykes.
[Cut to the entire family, with now-present Mom in tow, sitting in a booth.]
Spokesapple: "This is a family room! Full of the flavors that bring people together!"
I don't know what to feel right now. Applebee's is taking credit for bringing families together? I'll grant that the family was not having a group hug or driving around solving mysteries like the Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan, but for God's sake, at least they were all in the same damn room. That's a pretty close family by modern standards. Either way, what is happening at Applebee's that wasn't going to happen at the dinner table in their own house? "Say, did you ever notice we talk more at dinner while we're all facing each other than at other times when we're all occupied with other stimuli?" Applebee's really wants families to stare at each other from across a cramped booth, I guess. That's togetherness. For a mere fifteen dollars a person.
[Actual information about the current dinner specials]
The family that consumes 2500 calories in one sitting together, stays together. I think I heard that somewhere.
Spokesapple: "Applebee's! Get it together, baby!"
Oh, Wanda Sykes, you're so sassy. And hip. You use "baby" like it's punctuation. You are also saying a different slogan from what Applebee's has put right up there on the screen. Speaking of things that don't match, what is with the mom's reaction here? What is she laughing at? Am I supposed to believe that the spokesapple's line is overdubbed, and the "real" apple on the set was actually telling a joke or something? Why did they use this footage? Look how the mom is just looking, and then forces a laugh when the apple says "Applebee's!" Maybe that was a punchline to a joke she (it?) was telling off-camera.
Spokesapple: All right, I've been working on this material all day. Ready?
Mom: Okay, shoot.
Spokesapple: Okay, what kind of insects do you get the sweetest honey from?
Mom: I don't know, what kind?
Spokesapple: You don't have a guess?
Mom: Was I supposed to- I mean, I just thought you were going to say the punchline.
Spokesapple: Shit. Okay, can we start over?
Mom: Okay.
Spokesapple: So this time you're just gonna say-
Mom: I'll just say I don't know. So you can say the punchline.
Spokesapple: Okay.
Mom: Okay. Go ahead.
Spokesapple: Okay. So, what kind of insects do you get the sweetest honey from?
Mom: I don't know, what kind?
Spokesapple: Applebee's!
Mom: *mirthless chuckle*
Spokesapple: Oh, you can just go fuck yourself.
By the way, if you thought the "spokesapple" is a term I invented for this post... you would be wrong. If you want to spend the rest of the day punching yourself in the face, check out this YouTube channel. Yet another of those desperate attempts at viral marketing by a big company that really doesn't know much about being cool or interesting. And watch the first 20 seconds of the "Spokesapple Revealed" video. A sentient apple that talks and moves under its own power is strange, but an apple that eats and enjoys onion rings despite conspicuously lacking a mouth? That's just insane.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
How incredibly distinguishing
First of all, I would want to smack that kid if he was taking up the entire soda fountain in front of me with this shit. Second of all, how is that going to be good? He appears to be mixing literally everything at the fountain together. Does that really classify as a "concoction" or something that deserves the title of "master"? Oh boy, Diet Coke, Fanta Orange and Hi-C! That'll go great with pizza. Did his brother double-dog dare him or something?
Third of all, what does this have to do with the product CiCi's is selling? I'll give you a hint: nothing. The description of CiCi's key selling point - a very inexpensive all-you-can-eat pizza, pasta, salad and dessert buffet - is saved for the last five seconds of the ad, while the first ten are spent bragging about a feature possessed by every fast food restaurant in existence. "Unlimited fountain soda? It's like some kind of beautiful dream!"
Unrelated to the quality of the ad: does anyone else think that the low cost for the product being offered suggests that the food pretty much sucks? Either way, thanks for making it even easier for the average American to eat 3500 calories in one sitting, CiCi's. You're doing God's work out there.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Is there a doctor in the pancake house?
The International House of Pancakes, not known for epic storytelling in their advertising, has disgorged a shockingly complex :15 spot. It's a tale of suspense, disappointment, elation, sumptuous climax, and denouement with a surprising medical twist. Take a look:
Setting: A doctor's waiting room.
Well, I'm hungry. Big beige room, dull, forgettable corporate art on the walls, medical journals strewn about, graphic anatomy posters. Man, you know what sounds good right now? French toast and a side of hash browns.
Nurse: Desmond!
Desmond and People in Waiting Room: (hold up forks)
It's like Paula Deen guest-directed an episode of ER. Obviously, this scene is unspeakably stupid. But the strangest thing to me is, why does everyone get excited when the nurse calls out Desmond's name? They're all hoping the nurse confuses them with Desmond?
Nurse: - the doctor will see you now.
Ahh, okay. The pancake doctor. Making more sense now.
Announcer: It's Fruit Crepe Fever.
People suffering from fruit crepe fever have come to the IHOP Clinic to see the waffle doctor. That is the concept of this commercial. Read it one more time. That is the motherhumping concept of this commercial. Think of all the people who had to see this ad before it saw air time -- ad agency people, IHOP people, film production people, actors, actresses, Desmond, media buying people, lawyers, general pancake practitioners. No one, not even a quality control person, said "Wait a second, this commercial is like Luis Bunuel-absurd" or "This makes me embarrassed to be alive" or "People will sue IHOP when their eyes fall out after watching this."
NOTE: For purposes of this close-reading of IHOP's ad, I'm ignoring the mispronunciation of "crepe." CRAPE is, sadly, the accepted Americanized way to pronounce "crepe," as seen, for instance, in the GE Cafe Range "webisode," so I'm not going to bother harping on it.
Announcer: Sweet cream cheese, luscious fruit and delectable crepes
It bothers me when ads editorialize like this, especially food ads. Why can't you say "Cream cheese, fruit and golden crepes" or something less salesman-like? The audience can ascertain that the fruit is luscious and the crepes delectable from your presentation of them in the video. Just be sensible, and let your viewers think for themselves for a while...
Aw, fuck it --
"Jaw-droppingly delicious, extra-thick creamy cream cheese, tongue-strokingly flavorful, mouth-gushing, ambrosia-like fruit, all wrapped up in a bacchanalian, syrup-drunk, tooth-ramming crepe orgy."
Announcer: Served with all your favorites, only at IHOP. (Desmond's temperature is checked by the IHOP waitress/doctor and nurse.)
So this man's medical treatment by the aforementioned "doctor" is a pile of fruit and cream cheese crepes, a breakfast plate of hash browns, eggs, and three kinds of meat (bacon, ham and sausage), a pot of coffee, a jug of OJ, and a pitcher of water, presumably all to himself. Doesn't it go beyond just stupid to downright wrong to even suggest that a trip to IHOP might be medically beneficial? I probably don't need to convince you that that meal is a coronary, and that's a good thing -- because I have no nutritional info. For some reason, fast food companies are required to post things like fat, calories and the like for all of their products, but a company that claims it serves 700 million pancakes a year gets a free nutritional pass. Here I quote from ihop.com:
» Is nutritional information available?
IHOP offers a wide variety of food that should allow most people to choose a meal that suits their dietary needs. We do not maintain nutritional data on our food.
That is not right.
From what I can gather on other diet sites, one 2oz crepe, with no butter, syrup, sweet cream chesse or luscious fruit is 120 calories and 6 grams of fat. Now add in the other ingredients. Now multiply it by three. Now combine that with all the other food and drink they showed on Desmond's table. Now vomit.
There exist people out there in America who lack the resources to know how bad that meal is for them, because IHOP won't tell anyone. Because they do not maintain nutritional data on their food.
"Dear Acme Poison Co., is safety information available?"
"Acme Poison Co. offers a wide variety of poison that should allow most people to choose a poison that suits their safety needs. We do not maintain safety data on our poison."
Announcer: Come hungry, leave happy.
And remember, folks: a cream-filled pancake drenched-in-sugar a day keeps the doctor away!
Setting: A doctor's waiting room.
Well, I'm hungry. Big beige room, dull, forgettable corporate art on the walls, medical journals strewn about, graphic anatomy posters. Man, you know what sounds good right now? French toast and a side of hash browns.
Nurse: Desmond!
Desmond and People in Waiting Room: (hold up forks)
It's like Paula Deen guest-directed an episode of ER. Obviously, this scene is unspeakably stupid. But the strangest thing to me is, why does everyone get excited when the nurse calls out Desmond's name? They're all hoping the nurse confuses them with Desmond?
Nurse: - the doctor will see you now.
Ahh, okay. The pancake doctor. Making more sense now.
Announcer: It's Fruit Crepe Fever.
People suffering from fruit crepe fever have come to the IHOP Clinic to see the waffle doctor. That is the concept of this commercial. Read it one more time. That is the motherhumping concept of this commercial. Think of all the people who had to see this ad before it saw air time -- ad agency people, IHOP people, film production people, actors, actresses, Desmond, media buying people, lawyers, general pancake practitioners. No one, not even a quality control person, said "Wait a second, this commercial is like Luis Bunuel-absurd" or "This makes me embarrassed to be alive" or "People will sue IHOP when their eyes fall out after watching this."
NOTE: For purposes of this close-reading of IHOP's ad, I'm ignoring the mispronunciation of "crepe." CRAPE is, sadly, the accepted Americanized way to pronounce "crepe," as seen, for instance, in the GE Cafe Range "webisode," so I'm not going to bother harping on it.
Announcer: Sweet cream cheese, luscious fruit and delectable crepes
It bothers me when ads editorialize like this, especially food ads. Why can't you say "Cream cheese, fruit and golden crepes" or something less salesman-like? The audience can ascertain that the fruit is luscious and the crepes delectable from your presentation of them in the video. Just be sensible, and let your viewers think for themselves for a while...
Aw, fuck it --
"Jaw-droppingly delicious, extra-thick creamy cream cheese, tongue-strokingly flavorful, mouth-gushing, ambrosia-like fruit, all wrapped up in a bacchanalian, syrup-drunk, tooth-ramming crepe orgy."
Announcer: Served with all your favorites, only at IHOP. (Desmond's temperature is checked by the IHOP waitress/doctor and nurse.)
So this man's medical treatment by the aforementioned "doctor" is a pile of fruit and cream cheese crepes, a breakfast plate of hash browns, eggs, and three kinds of meat (bacon, ham and sausage), a pot of coffee, a jug of OJ, and a pitcher of water, presumably all to himself. Doesn't it go beyond just stupid to downright wrong to even suggest that a trip to IHOP might be medically beneficial? I probably don't need to convince you that that meal is a coronary, and that's a good thing -- because I have no nutritional info. For some reason, fast food companies are required to post things like fat, calories and the like for all of their products, but a company that claims it serves 700 million pancakes a year gets a free nutritional pass. Here I quote from ihop.com:
» Is nutritional information available?
IHOP offers a wide variety of food that should allow most people to choose a meal that suits their dietary needs. We do not maintain nutritional data on our food.
That is not right.
From what I can gather on other diet sites, one 2oz crepe, with no butter, syrup, sweet cream chesse or luscious fruit is 120 calories and 6 grams of fat. Now add in the other ingredients. Now multiply it by three. Now combine that with all the other food and drink they showed on Desmond's table. Now vomit.
There exist people out there in America who lack the resources to know how bad that meal is for them, because IHOP won't tell anyone. Because they do not maintain nutritional data on their food.
"Dear Acme Poison Co., is safety information available?"
"Acme Poison Co. offers a wide variety of poison that should allow most people to choose a poison that suits their safety needs. We do not maintain safety data on our poison."
Announcer: Come hungry, leave happy.
And remember, folks: a cream-filled pancake drenched-in-sugar a day keeps the doctor away!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
A man in the kitchen? What is this, Opposite Day?
Watch enough family-oriented fast food commercials and the endlessly repetitive world of advertising will drill two things into your head: men can't cook, and they'll always cover this up by ordering fast food.
Older daughter: "Dad's making dinner?"
Younger daughter: [scoffs disgustedly]
Dad's making dinner? Oh no. Sweet merciful crap. God, why have you forsaken us? You see, our father is a staggering incompetent, incapable of even the most rudimentary culinary achievements, such as boiling water. Men, huh? Am I right, ladies?
Wife: "Oh, it'll be fine! Maybe."
Say, question: if the entire rest of the family has such little confidence in Dad's cooking skills, why do they leave him in charge of it?
Kids: "Yes! No way! Wow!" etc.
No way? No way??? "Holy shit, this is unbelievable! Pizza, here in our house! I thought a feast of such staggering proportions - not one but two pizzas, breadsticks, two liters of soda - was available only to the richest Americans, but now I discover that our family can also live the life of Riley! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Pizza Hut!"
Husband: "Who's the man?"
Let me just check "use of severely dated catchphrase that has moved into unironic use by middle-aged white men and therefore should immediately be retired" off my list of Ten Trademark Signs You're Watching a Shitty Commercial.
Wife: "I love you!"
Wait until you see the four false starts at meatloaf he left in the kitchen for you to clean up. Because men can't cook! Wa ha ha! They earn their wives' love by having pizza delivered!
Announcer: "Pizza Hut's Family Value Meal is easy!"
"Forget the significantly healthier meal you could put together at half the price! Call now and we'll throw in a couple Doughy Fat-Starch Balls for just $1.99!"
Dad: "Who says I can't cook?"
A host of lazy, hackneyed, unfunny ads like this one.
Older daughter: "Dad's making dinner?"
Younger daughter: [scoffs disgustedly]
Dad's making dinner? Oh no. Sweet merciful crap. God, why have you forsaken us? You see, our father is a staggering incompetent, incapable of even the most rudimentary culinary achievements, such as boiling water. Men, huh? Am I right, ladies?
Wife: "Oh, it'll be fine! Maybe."
Say, question: if the entire rest of the family has such little confidence in Dad's cooking skills, why do they leave him in charge of it?
Kids: "Yes! No way! Wow!" etc.
No way? No way??? "Holy shit, this is unbelievable! Pizza, here in our house! I thought a feast of such staggering proportions - not one but two pizzas, breadsticks, two liters of soda - was available only to the richest Americans, but now I discover that our family can also live the life of Riley! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Pizza Hut!"
Husband: "Who's the man?"
Let me just check "use of severely dated catchphrase that has moved into unironic use by middle-aged white men and therefore should immediately be retired" off my list of Ten Trademark Signs You're Watching a Shitty Commercial.
Wife: "I love you!"
Wait until you see the four false starts at meatloaf he left in the kitchen for you to clean up. Because men can't cook! Wa ha ha! They earn their wives' love by having pizza delivered!
Announcer: "Pizza Hut's Family Value Meal is easy!"
"Forget the significantly healthier meal you could put together at half the price! Call now and we'll throw in a couple Doughy Fat-Starch Balls for just $1.99!"
Dad: "Who says I can't cook?"
A host of lazy, hackneyed, unfunny ads like this one.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Second
More travel recently, which means more time spent thumbing through my favorite source of utter nonsense -- SkyMall. I know this is basically fish in a barrel, but I can't resist delving into some of the more unforgivably stupid offerings in this catalog.
What matter of man are you if you don't own a Chair Valet?
Every gentleman deserves a personal Valet at his service...this one even offers a Chair!
Offers a chair? It is a chair. In fact, that's basically all it is.
Unique valet includes a 16.5" x 16" padded leather chair you can sit on while putting socks and shoes on!
Finally! Someone invents a chair I can sit on. I've been doing hand-stands on my chairs for far too long. And are you telling me I no longer need to put socks and shoes on while levitating? Sold!
Tie, belt or suspenders hang at the sides on two extendable posts.
Sweet. I do enjoy transferring accessories that are already hanging in my closet somewhere else where I can rehang them.
Includes a 4.5"-deep drawer beneath the seat for additional storage.
Can I puke into the drawer, too, when I realize how insane this chair is that I just bought?
Please specify light walnut or dark mahogany finish.
There is no way anyone buying this could possibly care about matching wood shades.
$189.99
Hahahaha. Good Lord.
Under most circumstances, I would respect a product called the Hot Diggity Dogger. Shows a sense of humor. This, however, is going a bit too far...
Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker
Hey, sometimes a pop-up hot dog cooker is just a pop-up hot dog cooker.
Simply drop hot dogs in the center basket, and the buns in the two warming chambers
Gee, that does sound simple. Also, delicious.
on either side: the 660-watt heating coil has time settings so you can heat to your taste preference.
My taste prefernce is usually "cooked." I know there are roughly 14,560 wrong things with this "unique kitchen appliance" (appliance!?), but is anyone else completely skeeved by the fact that a toaster is cooking both a meat tube and a bread product together? Also, you better be a ballpark concessionaire or be some kind of teenage hot dog-hoarding ogre in order to make this product worth the $50.
Somewhere, Auguste Rodin is weeping...
Thinking Out of the Box
Isn't the phrase "thinking outside the box"?
Only those who see the invisible can do the impossible.
You know what makes me brainstorm my best ideas? Hackneyed, fortune cookie-quality aphorisms. The only reason I called this product out specifically is -- look at that thing! That is one of the most poorly-rendered ... anything... I've ever seen. I could have created a better likeness of The Thinker with a coat hanger and a refrigerator magnet.
Finally, let's bring it on home with some myopic motivational bullshit...
Determination (Grand Slam)
Ahh yeah... a picture of a hitter putting some serious wood on that ball. "Outta here!" Hah ha -- yes! Just one thing, though -- what if you're a pitcher?
Next post I promise to take an especially bad, big budget television commercial to task.
What matter of man are you if you don't own a Chair Valet?
Every gentleman deserves a personal Valet at his service...this one even offers a Chair!
Offers a chair? It is a chair. In fact, that's basically all it is.
Unique valet includes a 16.5" x 16" padded leather chair you can sit on while putting socks and shoes on!
Finally! Someone invents a chair I can sit on. I've been doing hand-stands on my chairs for far too long. And are you telling me I no longer need to put socks and shoes on while levitating? Sold!
Tie, belt or suspenders hang at the sides on two extendable posts.
Sweet. I do enjoy transferring accessories that are already hanging in my closet somewhere else where I can rehang them.
Includes a 4.5"-deep drawer beneath the seat for additional storage.
Can I puke into the drawer, too, when I realize how insane this chair is that I just bought?
Please specify light walnut or dark mahogany finish.
There is no way anyone buying this could possibly care about matching wood shades.
$189.99
Hahahaha. Good Lord.
Under most circumstances, I would respect a product called the Hot Diggity Dogger. Shows a sense of humor. This, however, is going a bit too far...
Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker
Hey, sometimes a pop-up hot dog cooker is just a pop-up hot dog cooker.
Simply drop hot dogs in the center basket, and the buns in the two warming chambers
Gee, that does sound simple. Also, delicious.
on either side: the 660-watt heating coil has time settings so you can heat to your taste preference.
My taste prefernce is usually "cooked." I know there are roughly 14,560 wrong things with this "unique kitchen appliance" (appliance!?), but is anyone else completely skeeved by the fact that a toaster is cooking both a meat tube and a bread product together? Also, you better be a ballpark concessionaire or be some kind of teenage hot dog-hoarding ogre in order to make this product worth the $50.
Somewhere, Auguste Rodin is weeping...
Thinking Out of the Box
Isn't the phrase "thinking outside the box"?
Only those who see the invisible can do the impossible.
You know what makes me brainstorm my best ideas? Hackneyed, fortune cookie-quality aphorisms. The only reason I called this product out specifically is -- look at that thing! That is one of the most poorly-rendered ... anything... I've ever seen. I could have created a better likeness of The Thinker with a coat hanger and a refrigerator magnet.
Finally, let's bring it on home with some myopic motivational bullshit...
Determination (Grand Slam)
Ahh yeah... a picture of a hitter putting some serious wood on that ball. "Outta here!" Hah ha -- yes! Just one thing, though -- what if you're a pitcher?
Next post I promise to take an especially bad, big budget television commercial to task.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Me - advertiser! You - stupid moron consumer!
The Sara Lee Corporation just called your mom ugly. And they said your brother's gay. Oh, and they also think you're a fucking moron. How else can you explain this commercial for their Ballpark Frank line:
New low, everybody. New low. Do I even need to break this one down? A teenage boy has a construction worker's forearm Alien its way out of his chest, grabs what could only be an old, stale hot dog (with mustard artfully squiggled on top), and tries to cram it into the boy's mouth. Then it smacks the kid on the face with a tennis racket (that the boy naturally keeps next to his bed, like every teenage boy does.) This is funny? This is appetizing? This is how you sell food?
Then Sara Lee brings it on home with a little touch of class:
Hunger get what hunger want - big, tasty Ballpark Frank
First off, I like how the tagline is written properly on-screen, "Hunger gets what hunger wants," but then the voiceover delivers it like a caveman would talk, or, presumably, like the people who wrote this ad. Secondly, "Hunger get what hunger want"? Mothers who shop for their families are supposed to respond to this and think "Oh, let me add that to the grocery list"?
They also chose "big" and "tasty" as the only modifiers to describe their product. This is somehow informative? This is differentiating? Here's a shortlist of some other things that are "big" and "tasty":
McDonald's "Big n' Tasty"
Wendy's Biggie Fries
A Large Tasty D-Lite
Wendy's Baconator
Wendy's Biggie Frostie
Pretty much anything from Wendy's except, maybe, like a small salad without dressing
Big Daddy's Tasty BBQ Sauce
Pretty much anything from Burger King except, maybe, a napkin
Sara Lee CMO Kim Feil (hey, she had to green-light this shit, right?)
I wish I could say this commercial was the worst of this series. But then Sara Lee came through in a bigger, tastier way:
Hungry yet? Again, I don't need to explain this one, do I. We can all see why 7-year olds might get a kick out of this (hence the reason for the YouTube comments), but anyone with a adult-sized brain? Why would this sell someone on a food product? A huge man's arm just came out of a boy's stomach, grabbed a spittle-coated ort from a girl's mouth, and fed it to the boy. Then he unblushingly accepts the bit of gnawed meat. Mmmmmm! "Big, juicy, pre-chewed Ballpark Franks!"
I love that the girl reacts to the hot dog morsel being removed from her mouth, but doesn't care that a third arm just sigourneyed out of her boyfriend's stomach. But, hey, at least it's hysterical, right? Just some really, really funny stuff there from Sara Lee. In fact, after all that laughing about how inimitably humorous the Ballpark Frank and Hillshire Farm commercials are, I'm getting a bit peckish. Sometimes I wish a disembodied appendage would just shove some cured hog cheek right up my face.
New low, everybody. New low. Do I even need to break this one down? A teenage boy has a construction worker's forearm Alien its way out of his chest, grabs what could only be an old, stale hot dog (with mustard artfully squiggled on top), and tries to cram it into the boy's mouth. Then it smacks the kid on the face with a tennis racket (that the boy naturally keeps next to his bed, like every teenage boy does.) This is funny? This is appetizing? This is how you sell food?
Then Sara Lee brings it on home with a little touch of class:
Hunger get what hunger want - big, tasty Ballpark Frank
First off, I like how the tagline is written properly on-screen, "Hunger gets what hunger wants," but then the voiceover delivers it like a caveman would talk, or, presumably, like the people who wrote this ad. Secondly, "Hunger get what hunger want"? Mothers who shop for their families are supposed to respond to this and think "Oh, let me add that to the grocery list"?
They also chose "big" and "tasty" as the only modifiers to describe their product. This is somehow informative? This is differentiating? Here's a shortlist of some other things that are "big" and "tasty":
McDonald's "Big n' Tasty"
Wendy's Biggie Fries
A Large Tasty D-Lite
Wendy's Baconator
Wendy's Biggie Frostie
Pretty much anything from Wendy's except, maybe, like a small salad without dressing
Big Daddy's Tasty BBQ Sauce
Pretty much anything from Burger King except, maybe, a napkin
Sara Lee CMO Kim Feil (hey, she had to green-light this shit, right?)
I wish I could say this commercial was the worst of this series. But then Sara Lee came through in a bigger, tastier way:
Hungry yet? Again, I don't need to explain this one, do I. We can all see why 7-year olds might get a kick out of this (hence the reason for the YouTube comments), but anyone with a adult-sized brain? Why would this sell someone on a food product? A huge man's arm just came out of a boy's stomach, grabbed a spittle-coated ort from a girl's mouth, and fed it to the boy. Then he unblushingly accepts the bit of gnawed meat. Mmmmmm! "Big, juicy, pre-chewed Ballpark Franks!"
I love that the girl reacts to the hot dog morsel being removed from her mouth, but doesn't care that a third arm just sigourneyed out of her boyfriend's stomach. But, hey, at least it's hysterical, right? Just some really, really funny stuff there from Sara Lee. In fact, after all that laughing about how inimitably humorous the Ballpark Frank and Hillshire Farm commercials are, I'm getting a bit peckish. Sometimes I wish a disembodied appendage would just shove some cured hog cheek right up my face.
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