Sunday, May 25, 2008

I'm having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE

Totino's Pizza Rolls: shitty after-school snack, or greatest food product ever invented? We'll let this panel of 12-year-olds be the judge.



Host Kid [whispering]: "You guys hungry? I'll make Totino's Pizza Rolls."
Loud Kid: "I LOVE TOTIN-"
Host Kid [clamping his hand over Loud Kid's mouth]: "But, we have to be quiet."

Let me first just say that I think it's nice they invited the retarded kid to their sleepover. Usually kids with development issues don't have a lot of friends, and I'm glad this group was inclusive, although really the host kid's mom probably forced him to do it. But this commercial shows why kids don't want the retarded kid hanging out with them.

Loud Kid: [takes a bite of roll] "I LOVE TOTINO'S!!!!"
[other kids start talking loudly, for some reason]

It's kind of hilarious how these adolescent boys all take these super-dainty bites of the pizza rolls, in spite of the fact that they're clearly bite-size snacks. Anyway. Obviously this loud kid is not supposed to be retarded. But with that in mind, what's his excuse? It's one thing if the taste of Totino's is so completely heavenly that he just can't stop himself from vocalizing his affection - although I call bullshit - but dude was yelling at the mere mention of the name. Maybe this is just how he reacts to everything.

Teacher: "All right, class, today we're going to learn about fractions."
Kid: "I LOVE FRACTIONS!!!!!"
Teacher: "...uh, all right, Jimmy. Anyway, open your books to page 240..."
Kid: "I LOVE PAGE 240!!!!!"
Teacher: "Settle down, Jimmy."
Kid: "I LOVE SETTLING DOWN!!!!!"
Teacher: "That's it! Report to the principal's office."
Kid: "I LOVE THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!!!!!"

Bully: "Hey, nerd, give me your lunch money."
Kid: "I LOVE LUNCH MONEY!!!!!"
Bully: "Yeah, well that's a shame. Hand it over."
Kid: "I LOVE HANDING IT OVER!!!!!"
Bully: "Good, let's go, before you get your ass kicked."
Kid: "I LOVE GETTING MY ASS KICKED!!!!!"
Bully: "You asked for it!"
Kid: "I LOVE ASKING FO-"
[merciless pummeling]

The other thing I love/hate about this commercial is how the freezer has about 15 boxes of Totino's Pizza Rolls in it and almost nothing else. Does this kid even have parents? Maybe he wants his friends to be quiet not because they might wake his mom but because any raucous partying will surely draw the attention of the cops, and when they find a 12-year-old living in a house by himself, it will lead to a visit from Child Services, foster care, and no more sleepovers or Totino's Pizza Rolls, ever.

2 comments:

c12h22o11 said...

Who *didn't* know a kid like that.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

What this ad needs is a kid in a donkey shirt.