Saturday, October 20, 2007

Meta-meta editorializing

Proof that advertising copywriters have big-time crushes on themselves:

Bespectacled Ice Breakers Man: New Ice Breakers Wellness gum has antioxidants from Vitamin C. Pretty cool!

This whole commercial sounds like the characters are reading stage directions. When you're talking about your product, just say what you have to say. Don't tell me how I'm supposed to react. If I think something's "pretty cool," I'll say it to myself.

Also, your product has antioxidants from Vitamin C. So? Lots of stupid, fake crap has Vitamin C in it.

Juggling-for-some-reason Ice Breakers Man: Really? Just "pretty cool"? It's antioxidants! In your gum! How about "stellar" or "phenomenal"?

How desperate are these people? And how obsessively proud of themselves are they? "Look, ladies and gentlemen, the Ice Breakers company just turned the gum world on its fucking ear. We took regular, boring, non-stellar gum, and then we added this new wonder compound called Vitamin frickin' C. Sounds crazy, right? Well, prepare to be shocked -- Vitamin C, it turns out, has anti-motherflippin'-oxidants!! Totally nuts! Totally phenomenal!!"

Also, whoever wrote this ad, congratulations on knowing two moderately big words.

Bespectacled Ice Breakers Man: Not bad. Let's schedule a sit-down with Marketing.

Scene: (Dusk falls on the skyline of Manhattan. In a dimly-lit 16th floor window office of a Madison Avenue skyscraper, an aging copywriter rests his hands on the keyboard of a 1999 Dell OptiPlex as he gazes up at motivational posters on his wall. Three empty bottles of Green Apple Smirnoff Ice sit on a desk.)

Dramatic Personae:
Frank, middle-aged copywriting hack
John, slightly younger copywriting hack apprentice

John (entering): Got anything yet? It's almost 8 o'clock -- I want to go home soon.

Frank (pushing bottles into trash bin): Oh, hey. Yeah, I've been thinking about something. How about a scene where two wannabe copywriters are sitting around talking about how great this gum is, trying to describe it.

John: Hmm. I like it. It's identifiable -- everyone wishes they could write ads, because they see what an awesome job we do of it. But, what about instead of people, it were the gum itself talking!

Frank: Ohh, man! I'm smelling a promotion!

John: Yeah, so this gum is sitting around. The first gum says... I dunno, whatever the fuck about Ice Breakers. What's something we know about this stuff?

Frank: (checks label of gum for first time) Um... it has trace amounts of Vitamin C?

John: Perfect! So the first gum says that it's "pretty cool." Then the second gum is like "Pretty cool? More like -- " .... I dunno, what's another word for "cool"?

Frank: (checks Thesaurus for first time) ...... "Stellar"? "Phenomenal"?

John: Sure! Why not? It's like we're showing people how we write commercials, in a commercial! Now how do we pay it all off...

Frank: Hey, remember how everyone wants to be ad writers?! How about we say something like "Not bad, let's schedule a sit-down with Marketing"?

John: Yes! That's it! God, our jobs are awesome.

Frank: Seriously, writing ads is the coolest job ever.

John: We get to say whatever we think of first, pretend we're funny, and make references to ourselves all the time!

Frank: Hey, wanna go have sex with our portfolios in front of a mirror?

John: Totally. Don't forget your Prozac!


1 comment:

Windier E. Megatons said...

Meanwhile, that "Lift" gum clearly contains cocaine instead of antioxidants. Or perhaps in addition to antioxidants. Stellar!!!!!!