Would you like mawkish sentiment with that?

You'll sometimes hear it said that certain companies or products are so ingrained in the cultural consciousness that they don't need to advertise. That's probably true to some extent, but logically, if it were really true, those companies wouldn't be among the most prominent in the ad world, would they? Coke is one that comes to mind - what's the longest you've ever gone without seeing a Coke ad on TV? McDonald's is another. There are thousands of McDonald's locations all over the country. Do they need to advertise? Maybe not. But they ALSO don't need to do shit like this. And yet here they are doing it anyway.



Let me pre-empt the lovefest by getting this out of the way: McDonald's does not give a fuck about you, except inasmuch as you are a person with money.

Cashier: "Hi, welcome to McDonald's, how can I help you?"
Guy in Knit Cap: "Two hash browns and a small coffee?"
Cashier: "You know what, for your payment today - do you have your cell phone with you?"
Guy [warily]: "Yeah."

That guy is right to be suspicious, IMO. How often do you go to some store and they want your e-mail so they can send you coupons every day for the rest of eternity? He's probably expecting them to be like "Do you have your cell phone with you? Well if you install our app you can save EIGHT CENTS on this order!"

Cashier: "Dial up your mom, tell her you love her."

Dude continues to stare at the cashier. And he's correct to! Because this is weird.

Here's a question I have about this. It does seem like these might be real people. But what weird Stage McDonald's are they walking into where all the cashiers are these super-peppy, good-at-selling-this-bizarre-concept non-sullen-teenagers? Maybe this was shot in Los Angeles where every McDonald's is probably stacked to the brim with Juilliard graduates.

[Twinkly piano music starts.]
Guy in vest: "Excuse me?"

That guy actually seems like he might be a little pissed. "My mom died two years ago, you fuckhead! Just give me my damn hash browns!"

Woman in coat: "Hey mom, just wanted to let you know that I love you..."

"Hey mom, just wanted to let you know that I would never have made this call if I weren't being forced to do so by a multinational corporation pretending it cares about family values!" Seriously, how pissed must that woman's mother have been when she saw this commercial for the first time? "Wait a second! I thought that was just a spontaneous call from Megan! It was so sweet! And she really only did it to get a free hamburger? GOD DAMN IT."

Guy [looking vaguely embarrassed]: "Te quiero mucho."
Old guy: "How about you just tell me how much it is?"
Cashier: "That is how much it is! Boom!

What percentage of the time was that the initial response? "Quit fucking around and just give me the total, man."

Female cashier: "Your payment today will be... tell me what you love about your son."

Starts to get a little suspicious here. How was this arranged? They're acting like they're reading it off the screen, but it's not like the screen is going to know that the person who just walked up has a son, much less that he's conveniently standing there. If this was improvised because these cashiers are really actors, then I somehow doubt - even if McDonald's legitimately runs this promotion across the United States - that your experience will match this one. (Also, McDonald's is franchised. I wonder if a lot of franchise owners - who can pretty much do whatever the fuck they want within reason, as evidenced by the recent revelation that the McPizza is still being sold at two stores in the Ohio River valley - are lining up to give away free shit by telling their 16-year-old register drones to ask every 500th customer to hug their kids or whatever. Remember, prices and participation may vary!)

Mom: "I love... his compassion for other people."
[Other patrons applaud]

Oh come on. This didn't fucking happen. Unless McDonald's is treating this like waiters at a chain restaurant announcing a birthday. "Attention McDonald's guests! We know you had to pay for your food, but up front here we have Cheryl, and we've decided to let her pay using a sappy challenge question! Cheryl... name something you love about your son!" And the other diners are... happy she loves her son? Really pleased they got to partake in this spectacle? Or... taking direction from the person who brought all the cameras into the restaurant? I'm thinking it's that one. If I were just sitting in a McDonald's you can bet I wouldn't start clapping for ANYTHING that happened, not least because I'd be too busy feeling pissed off that I had to eat at a McDonald's.

Other female cashier: "The total says that she has to dance, right now!"
Women: "No!"

I hear ya, ladies. Oh, and then you see several cashiers dancing with the customers, and again you hear cheers and applause in the background. McDonald's REALLY wanted people to know this was happening. Or, more likely, everyone there knew a commercial was being shot. Much like that Bud Light ad from last night, it's almost impressive how quickly we go from "hidden cameras" trying to make the whole thing seem as real as possible to some obviously fake, scripted bullshit. Even if the people in this ad are real people who happened to walk into a McDonald's that day, and even if they didn't know they were going to get free food for embarrassing themselves on national television, I'm pretty sure they had some idea they were on camera.

Other female cashier: "That strawberry sundae's waiting on you!
Raising the roof guy: "Strawberry sundae!"

And again, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE. "Hey, we gave away one of our cheapest items! LOVE US."

Other female cashier: "You paid with lovin', that's all we need."

And finally we get to the point of this gross, cynical campaign. "Pay with lovin'." There's an onscreen graphic right after this which says, "Through February 14, McDonald's will randomly select customers to Pay with Lovin'." Wow, less than two weeks. You spoil us. (The fine print, which states that no purchase or order is necessary, is curious. I suppose that's a legal necessity but how would that even work? I walk into a McDonald's and go "Hey, can I get some free food if I hug my family? No? THEN I'M FUCKIN' OUTTA HERE.") What's "lovin'" about raising the roof anyway? Did they try asking that guy to tell various family members he loves them and he just kept going "Dead. They're dead. She's dead too. Can I just have my sundae?"

Female cashier: "Your total is one big family hug."

Sorry, but if you need McDonald's to inspire you to display any affection towards your family members, you've got way bigger things to worry about than the three bucks you're saving on your free Big Mac.

Let's be clear here: McDonald's does not care about you. They don't care if you love your mom. They don't care if you hug your kids. They care about your money. This ad campaign/promotion, by suggesting that they DO care if you love your mom and DON'T care about your money, is the most revolting kind of calculated, manipulative bullshit there is. It's true that McDonald's isn't going to worry too much about your money on a single trip. They can afford to give away a few thousand orders, or however many are going to fall under this 12-day promotion. What they want is for you to associate them with "lovin'." If hugging your mom gets you free food at McDonald's, that just might encourage you to go back to McDonald's! Because (a) you might get something free again (spoiler: you won't) and (b) you feel like McDonald's cares somehow. They don't. This whole campaign is basically a social psychology experiment with your money as the dependent variable.

Why should McDonald's care about you, of course? They're a company, and they have a bottom line. Getting you to come in and spend money there is part of that bottom line. And that's fine. But it's the WAY they want to get you in the door that I have a problem with. As annoying as I found ads like "The Quarter Pounder with Cheese knows you're eye-fucking it" - oh, did I ever - at least those dealt with McDonald's products. The only products even mentioned in this ad: hash browns, coffee, and a strawberry sundae. Because for the purposes of this ad, it is irrelevant what McDonald's sells. They could be a fucking hardware store for all we care. This is about manipulating the consumer. This is about getting you in the door not because you really like the product but because you've formed certain mental associations about the people behind the product. Yeah, advertising is all about social psychology in a lot of ways. But it's rarely quite this craven.

Just remember, this is the same corporation that is run on the backs of people who it even admits will need a second job just to make ends meet. (If you've ever wondered why McDonald's is staffed largely by teenagers, it's because only people who don't pay rent can afford to fucking work there.) Maybe instead of giving away food to people who, having walked into the restaurant with the intent of ordering and paying, can obviously afford it, they could use that money to pay their employees a living wage. Sure, it's not as warm and fuzzy as two weeks of food for hugs, but it would sure do a lot more to show "lovin'" in the long run. Oh, but if they started paying people more they'd probably have to do that forever! And that, unlike manipulating you into going to McDonald's more often, is going to cut into profits. Oh well!

Mensa membership guaranteed!

I really wish I could find the longer version of this commercial, which is AGGRESSIVELY TERRIBLE while this one is merely stupid and annoying.  But you work with what you have.


So.  The reason I would rather have shown you the longer version is that in that one, I think it's pretty clear that both of these people are insufferable, rather than basically just the dude.

[Guy is sitting looking at a statue]
Woman: "Are you a fan of DeMoissier?"
Guy's Internal Monologue: "DeMoissi-who?  Okay, you know you're smart.  You just ordered a premium roast coffee and a savory Sausage McMuffin for only a dollar each off McDonald's Dollar Menu at breakfast, so..."

Please note: if it takes you this many seconds to come up with what is at best a halfway coherent response, everyone will know you're full of shit.  Look at the woman - she's already gotten bored of waiting for an answer and is writing something down in her planner, presumably "Do not ever, ever fuck this guy."

Guy: "He has a certain... je ne sais quoi."

Fuck you.  Since when does "being smart" have to equate to "having heard of, and formed an opinion on, every modern sculpture artist in existence?"  This is the kind of shit someone who thinks they are extremely smart came up with.  Ooh, and French!  The language of smart people, right?  That's what I heard.

In the extended version of this commercial, the woman replies, "Oh, tu parles français!"  Let's be clear here: "Je ne sais quoi" is a well-enough-known phrase in English that I don't believe for a second that someone who actually spoke French as a second language would hear it and assume that the person they were talking to was bilingual.  Also, as someone who actually does parle un peu de français, it's pretty shitty for that woman to immediately use the singular tu form of the second-person rather than the plural vous form, which is more typically used in formal address, like, you know, when you're speaking to some stranger in the park.  Perhaps she's just being patronizing because she recognizes he's full of shit, but I don't think that's the intent.  Although if you type "Oh, you speak French" into Google Translate, it (properly) gives you the more formal "vous parlez français" form.  I guess this ad was written by someone who took French, but just not since sophomore year of high school.

Oh, the guy's response to that, by the way, is "Oh yeah, all the time," which is just a continued stream of bullshit.  McDonald's: it won't make you smarter, but it'll sure make you feel like you have to pretend to be a genius everywhere you go!  But this really is a commercial all about behaving weirdly in front of strangers.  The guy feels intimidated by the woman's seeming intellect and has to try and impress her even though she's a total stranger because, I don't know, smart woman in business suits are inherently emasculating, right, fellas?  But meanwhile, the woman is sort of a bitch here, between assuming the guy just chilling on a park bench must be a fan of modern art, assuming he speaks French for no good reason (forcing him to keep bullshitting), and using tu like she's talking to a five-year-old.  Other than that, though, a couple of winning characters here, McDonald's.  Maybe we could have a whole series of ads where the guy has to keep feigning expertise to avoid looking like a schmuck, while internally feeling confident in his own intelligence because hey, he didn't buy a seven-dollar Sausage McMuffin at the artisanal breakfast co-op like some sucker.

Most delightful aspect of this ad: the supremely awkward way the guy is required to hold the cup of coffee just so the "McCafe" logo is not obscured by his hand.  In case you're deaf and wanted to know what this was an ad for, I guess.

I'm really, really hating it

For a long time, McDonald's was not just the unquestioned leader in its industry, it was also responsible for a lot of memorable ads. The last couple of years... not so much. First we had this ridiculousness, then we had the biggest asshole in commercial history, and then we had... hand dancing. Oh, did we ever have hand dancing.

Yet overall I would still have said that McDonald's was probably the least offensive ad maker in its cohort, if only because of sheer volume - yeah, the coffee guy is a huge asshole, but it's not like that was the only ad McDonald's was running. Recently, though, they've just gone completely off the rails.

For instance, what the hell is this?



Let me say right off the bat that I LOATHE the entire "the simple joy of X" campaign. I hate everything about it. The "simple joy" of cheap, shitty food cranked out by minimum-wagers on behalf of a multinational corporation? Fuck off. But that's just the start of the indignities perpetrated by this series of ads.

Husband: "I'm home! ...oh."
Wife: "Where were you?"
Husband: "Uh, I was just in the car."
Wife: "The car? What's that on your collar?"
Husband: "Hm? Oh... tie?"
Wife: "Why do you seem happy?"
Husband: "I'm not..."
Wife: "Come here."
Husband: "Okay."
Wife: [smells him] "Mint. Wow."
Husband: "I had a Shamrock Shake."
Wife: "I hate you."
Husband: "And I got one for you, too..."
Wife: "I love you!"

This is deranged. This is mental patient level shit. The wife almost certainly has some sort of personality disorder, probably something in Cluster B. Also, she mouths "I love you" at the shake as she walks away. She has PROBLEMS. But McDonald's doesn't seem to see anything wrong here. To them, this is perfectly acceptable behavior where the Shamrock Shake is concerned. See:

Announcer: "The magical minty flavor you'll covet with all your heart."

GET. THE. FUCK. OVER. YOURSELVES. I guess it's probably hard not to be supremely arrogant and self-centered when you're a company like McDonald's. They are the dominant global force in fast food. In 2010, McDonald's had revenues of more than $24 billion, a figure greater than the gross domestic products of nearly 100 countries. So, you could argue, McDonald's doesn't really have anything left to sell. They could never run another ad and they'd probably do just fine. And when they run ads implying that people are functionally addicted to their food, I guess they have the sales figures to back that up. But FUCK is it annoying.

What's really grating is the straight-facedness of it all. These commercials seem designed to appeal to a younger crowd, and they have the vibe of post-modern ads that are all about joking and almost playfully undermining the product. But if there's one thing McDonald's does not do, it's undermine its products. No, McDonald's inflates them to almost godlike statures.



THIS IS ANNOYING. It is annoying and terrible. This is a lot like that "bigger than the Big Mac" ad from five years ago that was actually the first McDonald's ad to make this site. See, McDonald's, here's the thing. You're really famous. Everyone recognizes the arches, everyone knows the Big Mac song in spite of the fact that it hasn't been the centerpiece of a campaign in like decades. But NO ONE uses your food as a reference point. NO ONE. "It's the Egg McMuffin of X" is not something that ANYONE has EVER said in ANY context, outside of the actors during the filming of this commercial. And are there really even people who think of the Egg McMuffin as the most delicious food item ever invented, such that this ad would begin to make a lick of sense? I feel sad for them, if so.

You can't even claim it's tongue in cheek. It's not tongue in cheek. McDonald's has the clout to say that their products are fantastic and addictive and world-defining, and they are totally serious about it. Maybe they're not wrong. But it's extremely obnoxious.

My two least favorite McDonald's ads at the moment, of course, I can't find on YouTube (not copies worth posting, anyway). If anyone can turn up a decent copy of the ad with the two old guys or the "I've been around" ad, let me know.

What is this I don't even

Speaking of a lack of creativity...



See, McDonald's, here is the problem. You hired an ad agency to make a commercial for your new McCafe drink. And then the person on your account forgot about the presentation until the morning of, and just grabbed something he found on YouTube.

The bigger problem, though, is that hand dancing is annoying. I'm sorry to all you hand dancers out there - it is. Well, let me qualify that. If I decided to go to a hand dancing show (I'm assuming such things exist? I have no idea, since until I saw this commercial I was not aware that hand dancing was a thing at all), then fine, I know what I'm getting into. This commercial, however, posits that I would like to see a hand dancing show spontaneously break out in the middle of a McDonald's at like 9 in the morning. Look at all the editorial bullshit that gets worked into this ad in just 15 seconds: multiple people look over and smile, and one dude even whips out his smart phone for a little video. Can you imagine reacting like that if you were there? I'm fairly sure I would leave at the first opportunity and stare a hole in them up until that point. Because that is fucking annoying as all get-out.

These two are also revoltingly proud of themselves - look at the way they finish, like they're concluding the gold medal pairs skate at the Winter Olympics. Of course, if I put up a video of my more or less useless talent on YouTube and the world's biggest restaurant chain paid me thousands of dollars to do it in a commercial, I'd probably be all smug too. Doesn't make it less obnoxious. Things aren't helped by the ridiculous song - there are multiple YouTube comments that are like "I love this song, do you know the title?" Are you fucking kidding me? If you "love the song" surely you must have been able to understand the lyrics, which as far as I can tell go like this:

"Is there chocolate / is there whipped cream / is there caramel / in espresso they're mixing"

The end part was a little harder to pick up but it's something like that. Whatever. The first three parts are certainly right. The chances that there was an existing song that just happened to describe a caramel mocha espresso are roughly 975 quadrillion to one against. Who would think this was a real song? Also, real or not, it sucks. (And is it me or do those whipped cream toppings fail to move at any point during the commercial? I call bullshit.)

You know what this reminds me of? 80s movies. In the 80s, no matter how lame your sport or activity, no matter how unable it was to sustain a movie for two hours, there was still a movie for absolutely everything. Breakdancing? Hell, there was Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. BMX biking? Rad. Skateboarding? Gleaming the Cube. Arm wrestling? Over the Top. Gymkata? Gymkata. Were all these movies shitty? Of course they were! And one reason why is because a movie should never have been based around a niche activity in the first place. Granted, this is a 15-second commercial and not a two-hour movie... but hand dancing is way less interesting than any of those other things. The point is that just because someone has a YouTube video does not mean you have to put them in a commercial. Are you listening, Wonderful Pistachios and Geico?

I'm lovin' being an antisocial jackass

Fun fact: I don't know anyone who likes this commercial.



I can honestly say I don't have the slightest idea what McDonald's was thinking with this one. I know in the last post I talked about going for "funny" characters at the expense of "likable" characters, but this guy isn't funny and it's not clear to me that McDonald's is really trying to be funny. It just thinks... well, I don't know what.

Roommate: "Hey dude, you gotta-"
Asshole: "Please, don't even talk to me until I've had my coffee."
Roommate: "Okay..."

Fun fact: they sell coffee in stores. They sell coffee machines in stores. If you're an enormous douchebag until you've had coffee, consider brewing some yourself before you leave the house. Also, is this the first time this ever happened? You'd think the guy's roommate, at least, would know the drill by now.

Neighbor: "Oh, hey, Tim, how's it-"
Asshole: "Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet."
Dog: [barks]
Asshole: "No."

If dog speak could be translated, I'm pretty sure that dog would be saying "Fuck you."

Woman on Bus: "Morning!"
Asshole: [stares, but at least manages not to say anything obnoxious]

There are like eleven million McDonald's on the planet and like fifteen million places to get Starbucks. Why the fuck has this asshole not just gone and gotten some fucking coffee yet?

McDonald's employee: "Welcome to McDonald's! Can I interest you in a-"
Asshole: "Not before I've had my coffee."

Okay, officially, WHAT THE FUCK. Who the fuck is this fucking asshole and why is he the centerpiece of a commercial? Hey, douchebag: WHY DID YOU EVEN GO INTO THE MCDONALD'S??? I assume you knew they had coffee there, and I saw you just looking at the menu - WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Order some coffee or shut the fuck up, you fucking knob.

McDonald's employee: "-premium roast coffee for just a dollar?"
Asshole: "Talk to me!"

He looks surprised. Seriously, why were you in there at all? There is only one reason why you'd go into a McDonald's while in an "I can't talk to anyone until I've had coffee!" stupor, and that is to get some fucking coffee. This guy's an asshole and an idiot.

After taking one sip of coffee he then proceeds to talk to multiple people on the sidewalk. They walk right past him, and they should, because he's an asshole. I love the triumphant music McDonald's plays during the coffee-pouring shot like they're really pleased with themselves. "Hey, caffeine zombies! Have we got the place for you!" If you're not just trying to be hilarious (and really, even if you are), shouldn't your ad's main character be trying to stand in for your customers in some way? Who would want to think of themselves as this kind of jackass? "Oh yeah, ha ha, that's totally me! God, I'm such an annoying asshole. Well, time to hook this IV of coffee to my vein lest I fail to have caffeine for ten seconds and start to snap!"

Not to get all preachy, by the way, but does it seem odd that you can have a commercial like this, where a character is basically saying "Sorry, I need my morning injection of drugs in order to function properly?" That's called habituation, people, and it indicates that maybe this douche should consider cutting back his caffeine intake just slightly.

Just as an aside: here, via a video I found on YouTube while searching for this ad, is what would happen if anyone behaved like this in real life. Yet more proof that everyone hates this ad.

Imitation is the sincerest form of fattery

Say this much for Burger King - very few companies would make a commercial in which they come right out and say, "We're ripping off the product of our closest competitor."



Of course, you also have to consider that Burger King is apparently so stupid that they can't figure out how to make a Sausage McMuffin with Egg without stealing "blueprints" for it, even though all the ingredients are in the name.

I'll give the ad this: it gets the point across. "Hey, you like the McDonald's breakfast? We've got the exact same thing - seriously, it's pretty much identical - but we'll sell it to you for a dollar." McDonald's typically sells the same item for $2.49, a fairly significant difference.

Still, it strikes me as odd. Doesn't this pitch sort of smack of giving up? BK will always be the little brother to McDonald's, but this really just feels like "I'll show you! I'll start my own lemonade stand and I'll only charge ten cents a glass!" Has Burger King just decided they can't win on the merits of their food and is resorting to "we'll sell you McDonald's food for less than McDonald's will"? What's next, standing outside McDonald's restaurants with free sample trays?

That's the money you could be saving by not eating a lousy hamburger

While it's not like we've never featured McDonald's on this blog, they're not usually responsible for commercials quite this... let's say obnoxiously stupid. Maybe it's just a Quarter Pounder with Cheese thing.



Oh boy.

Voiceover: "The Quarter Pounder with Cheese knows you're looking at it."

No, it does not. Because it doesn't have eyes or a brain capable of processing sensory input (much less translating that input into thought). And if it did, it would probably be too busy focusing on the fact that it was getting devoured.

Voiceover: "And it's looking right back at you."

We just went over this: no eyes. At least Geico had the decency to put googly eyes on a stack of money when they ran an ad with what is, by the way, basically the exact same concept as the first 25 seconds of this spot.

Voiceover: "It knows how great it tastes. If you can't help but stare at its 100% pure beefy cheesiness..."

Was this commercial written by a 12-year-old? I must confess I do not understand, at all, this impulse to write such utterly dumbed-down, annoying copy.

Voiceover: "...that's your deal."

Hey, idiot. You're in a McDonald's. You want a fucking Quarter Pounder, dig into your pocket for what, two bucks, go up to the counter and order one. No need to stare at some poor slob who's just trying to choke down an extremely mediocre lunch.

Voiceover: "It's available. You know that."

Yeah, I just said that. Go order one, dummy, if you want it so much. Though I don't know why you would. Look at the burger that guy's holding. He's actually eating it, so it can't be one of the fake burgers they use in promo shots that look good because they're held together with pins, and the grill marks are painted on, and shit like that. It appears to be a real burger. And doesn't it kind of look like shit? Is that damp gray burger and limp, neon yellow cheese really making anyone hungry? I might have tried a little harder to actually push the burger, rather than just be like, "Hey, you know you want one." Because I pretty well know that I do not want one.

Voiceover: "The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. It's cheese, and beef, and cheese. And that's what's up."

First of all, Quarter Pounder sales must really be in the tank if McDonald's felt the need to build an entire ad campaign around a single menu item that isn't even brand new. Second of all, I can see why - is there a restaurant on the planet where I can't get a significantly more appealing 1/4-pound cheeseburger? Third of all, fuck this commercial. If your product really sold itself, guess what? You wouldn't need to advertise. Ads like this make me even less likely to buy something, not that I had any plans to eat a Quarter Pounder regardless.

Quarter Pounder with Lawsuit

McDonald's has launched a website to remind us of one of their longtime products, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. There's a picture of a grease-covered burger, and some different "Lessons in Confidence" you can click on. Would you care to know how a cheeseburger with 70% of your saturated fat intake and 49% of your sodium can help you fight a bear, waterski among piranhas and win a slam dunk contest? Oh, well then read on, friends!

How to deal with a North American black bear
When you encounter a black bear in the wild, it's important to muster the confidence of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Sometimes I think this site should be called "Who Are the Corporate Attorneys Who Approved THAT One?" I mean, come on -- this is the company that gets sued when someone spills coffee on themselves in the drive thru. And loses. And here they are actively encouraging people to fight a bear. And fight one using a fucking cheeseburger. That is one potentially expensive not-that-funny joke, McDonald's. How much do you want to bet they get some nasty phonecalls from parents on this one?

1. Stand your ground. Running away makes you fun to chase. Plus, black bears usually bluff when attacking. Your bluff just needs to be better.

Jesus, this is amateurish. I realize McDonald's isn't trying to be a wilderness guide, but since I've hiked in bear country before, I feel it necessary to link to an informative bear safety site.

2. Fight back. When a black bear sees that their (sic) opponent is ready to go for broke, they'll ease up. But you've got to really sell it. During the whoopin', don't forget to stop and realize how killer it is that you're totally schooling a black bear.

Uh huh. Because a human would win in a fight against a charging black bear in the wild. I don't care how many QPCs you had for breakfast, you are not winning a fight against a bear.

Also, what 22-year old faux hipster wrote this shit? This is like late-90's high school yearbook-level copywriting. "Whoopin'"? "Schooling"? "Killer"? Maybe Diablo Cody is moonlighting for McDonald's. Wait! This just inspired me to come up with the best, totally non-outdated new slogan for McDonald's:

"I'm McLovin' it!"

3. Enjoy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. You deserve it.

I love the pencil graphic of the guy all beaten up eating a Quarter Pounder. Is there a more appetizing image that someone who just got mauled by a wild animal?

There are some other painfully over-written "lessons in confidence." Because, apparently, the inanimate Quarter Pounder with Cheese is somehow endowed with personality traits. Check out this one:

How to buy a big ticket item with only change
Do you have what it takes to make a purchase with nothing but full metal coinage? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese does.

Okay, A. No, it does not. Since it's a piece of fried beef smothered in fake cheese on a 2-cent bun. And B. "Full metal coinage?" Who are you, Jack Black? This is the work of a hack. This kind of copywriting was shat out by someone at 10pm on a Sunday night after polishing off a seventh Smirnoff Ice, and then turned in on Monday morning, riddled with typos, 5 minutes before it had to be sent to the client. This is soul-crushing copywriting. Whoever wrote this lacks human emotion.

1. Act natural. You know you're carrying around a pillowcase full of change, you don't need any nasty looks to tell you that. So just hold your head high and go with it.

2. Don't take no for an answer. No matter how much they complain or how many people are in line behind you, don't back down. It's real money. They have to accept it.

Funny thing. No they don't. I love when shit is just factually inaccurate. Isn't that the best when people don't even spend two minutes to look something up?

So, not only would a person paying with a pillowcase full of change in front of a huge line of people be a complete dick, but s/he would also be legally wrong to force the retailer to accept the coins. Oh well, at least this "Lesson in Confidence" is laugh-til-you-cry hilarious, right?

3. Drop a bag of coin on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. You're worth it.

Oh my gosh, you guys. Let's all totally do this!!! Go into a McD tomorrow and be like, "I'm paying for this Quarter Pounder with 400 pennies." Or, if you wanted to talk like the hack who wrote this website, you could be all, "Wassup, peeps!! Hook me up with a fly QPC. Now let me lay down some sweet Lincoln heads for y'all! 23 Skidoo!"

Wouldn't you love to be the person at McDonald's getting the calls from the franchisees after this? "I just had four assholes pay for their Quarter Pounders with a jar of change! And they made me take it because that retarded McDonald's web site told them to!!" Seems like a smart move on McDonald's part.

Oh, there are more lessons, but they're all equally moronic. Owning a slam dunk contest ("Dunk like whoa"), fleecing a car salesman, becoming a reality TV star. Some of these are so awful they're almost depressing. But I think the last part of the "waterskiing with piranhas" lesson sums up the essence of the whole goofy campaign:

You're awesome. You know what else is awesome? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese. So, get one.

"Awesome. Awesome. Product name. Call-to-action."

Did you just fall asleep reading that? If you did, you missed what is perhaps the laziest, clumsiest, hackiest line of copy ever written. For anything. Congratulations, McDonald's.

Oh, and if you're a recently laid-off lawyer -- you may want to look into positions at McDonald's. I bet they'll be hiring soon.

My arteries are clogged with yellow gold!

During this year's Olympics, the ads were actually surprisingly palatable... for the most part. Then there was this one.



Many people have noted the silliness of having the world's best-conditioned athletes shilling for products like McDonald's and Coca-Cola, but if you remember what Michael Phelps' daily diet looked like, it might not be the most ridiculous thing in the world. And I get the joke that we're supposed to think they're talking about a gold medal when they're actually talking about a chicken sandwich. But here's the part that really bugged me:

Weightlifter: "I've been dreaming about it..."
Boxer: "...since I was a kid."
Soccer player: "The perfect chicken sandwich."

They've been dreaming about it since they were kids? What? Were you dreaming about this exact combination of herbs and spices in the breading? Really?

Announcer: "Introducing McDonald's new Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich."
Boxer: "It's perfectly seasoned."
Gymnast: "It's juicy."
Fencer: "It's just how I like it!"

What? It's just how you like it? How the fuck is that possible? Did your mom used to make chicken sandwiches just like this? This makes no sense, at least until you consider that the Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich is basically an enormous ripoff of Chick-Fil-A's basic chicken sandwich. So maybe if you grew up in the South and went to Chick-Fil-A all the time, this sandwich actually would be "perfectly seasoned" and "just how you like it."

Announcer: "All-white meat chicken served warm with pickles on a steamed, buttery-tasting bun."

Served warm? Well, thank God. There's nothing I hate more than ice-cold chicken sandwiches. Also, the bun is "buttery-tasting"? So, I assume there isn't actually any butter on it?

Track athlete: "Why settle for silver..."
Gymnast: "...when you can get gold?"

I'm starting to wonder just how tongue-in-cheek the medal comparison is really meant to be. Also, what is "silver" in this case? Did Burger King introduce a Nevada Prospector Melt while I wasn't looking? Maybe we should be looking forward to Crispin Porter's next offering, in which the King, dressed as William Jennings Bryan, gives a speech about how McDonald's is not going to crucify mankind on a cross of Southern-style chicken.

Winner, winner, burger dinner

So, McDonald's. You know you're not some kind of expensive restaurant, right? That's kind of your thing, isn't it?



Come on. Really? I mean, those green-shirted kids seem like a bunch of dicks, and I'd love to see them get it shoved in their face. But Happy Meals? Why, where could those kids ever get a Happy Meal of their own? Maybe at one of 31,000 McDonald's locations worldwide? I mean, are you kidding me? McDonald's are fucking everywhere. That's like what they're known for. Unless these kids somehow bought the last eleven of them, I think there's going to be plenty down the street to go around.

Come to think of it, this might make a better commercial for, I don't know, NetJets or something. "Hey, you won that stupid trophy? Guess what? We're all flying off to Zurich in 40 minutes, motherfuckers!"

Can't make your mortgage payments? Try a double cheeseburger!

You may be familiar with the phrase "laugh to keep from crying," but this McDonald's ad seems curiously blasé about the national economic crisis, don't you think?



"The economy is in freefall! It's two dollars to every euro, the housing market is a wreck, we're headed for a recession... say, is that a one-dollar cheeseburger? Never mind!"

Obviously no one wants to be reminded by some random McDonald's ad of the sinking position of America in the world economy, but I don't know how smart the "Just kidding, everything's fine!" play is, even as a joke. The characters in this ad represent one of the key problems with American economics - the inability of people to see more than a few feet in front of them. "Well, if I can still get a cheeseburger for a dollar, things must not be that bad!" Or maybe McDonald's had costs of less than a dollar per cheeseburger to begin with (I certainly wouldn't be surprised), or maybe it's because they're a multinational corporation that makes billions of dollars a year. I'm not Alan Greenspan or anything, but I do know that I hate this commercial.

McDonald's: We're way better than this company we just made up

Companies that are second or third in market share often advertise their products from the angle of bashing their #1 competitor, hoping that that will drive sales. Pepsi does it to Coke, Macs do it to PCs, etc. But what do you do if you're McDonald's and you're already the #1 company in your corner of the market? Apparently, you invent other companies to bash.



If you were the founder of a website, why would you compare your company to the Big Mac? Wouldn't you say something like, "It's gonna be bigger than Yahoo" or "It's gonna be bigger than Google"? Wouldn't that just make a lot more sense? You also have to love the way in which this ad actually positions the Gofbot.com founders as smug assholes - particularly in the split screen interview about halfway through - so that it will make McDonald's itself seem less smug when it tears down this company that it invented for this ad at the end.

Does McDonald's know how web counters work? What's with the numbers shuffling around like it's generating a random sequence? "Wait, did we get 67 million hits? Oh, only three? Well, those numbers are very close together, I can see how we got confused!" Also, the very idea of a website getting only three hits upon its launch - especially one that had been promoted in a national television interview - is fucking retarded. I'm amazed anyone at McDonald's knew enough about the internet to actually get the corresponding site up in real life.

So here's the voiceover at the end of the ad:

"With 100% beef, nothing tops the Big Mac."

Yeah! Take that, Gofbot! What were you thinking only using 87% beef? That's why you shouldn't try competing with a massive hamburger chain, you fake web company, you! I mean, why even invoke the name as an offhand comparison if you weren't going to back it up? You deserve to have this thrown back in your imaginary faces by having some douchebag walk up and confirm that it's not as big as the Big Mac, in this totally fake, impossible, didn't happen, will never happen scenario that we made up for you! Don't fuck with McDonald's!