SLIM JIM: IT'S (not) DISGUSTING!

Many, many years ago, back in the deep time of this blog, my old compatriot Quivering P. Landmass wrote a post about a dumbass Beck's commercial where they talk about how their beer doesn't have helium. Quivering referenced an old saying from David Ogilvy about avoiding the use of negatives in ads. Slim Jim apparently hasn't heard this saying.



(That's two 15-second ads, of which we're only dealing with the first, though the second is, I assure you, nearly as idiotic.)

Think about this commercial for a second. I'm not going to go through it with a stopwatch, but given that it's only fifteen seconds long I'd say it spends CLOSE TO as much time on the horrifying male guts as it does on the attractive female midriffs. And that is an ENORMOUS problem. In another post from way back when, we discussed the most nauseating ads we've ever seen on TV. The embedded Starburst ad has gone missing, but don't worry: it's right here. (Note: do not watch that.) I really can't think of a worse thing to include in your ad than something intended to gross out the audience. Are you hoping I change the channel before I have a chance to get your product name drilled into my head?

The issue with the Slim Jim ad in particular is this: aside from the packaging, Slim Jims look EXACTLY THE SAME as whatever other meat stick serves as their competition. And since they don't name that competition in the ad, the only name you're getting from the ad - the ad in which meat sticks are seen being directly correlated with images we are INTENDED to find disgusting - is Slim Jim. Good work, fellas! You've successfully ensured that whenever I see Slim Jims, I will think of this ad, which uses half its allotted time showing me images of bloated male torsos that I am SUPPOSED to be grossed out by. And I definitely will not think of a "tummy party" with two attractive women, because no one in their right mind could possibly believe that Slim Jim will do anything to get them laid.

Honestly. I never liked the "Eat me" Slim Jim ads either - the one at that link, which suggests that eating a Slim Jim will cause you to drown, is particularly moronic - but they're masterpieces of the craft next to this pile of shit.

I'll just stand, thanks

The three and a half years of this blog have seen more than a couple entrants into the field of "most disgusting fast food sandwich," from the BK Stacker to the Baconator to the Bacon Double Homestyle Melt. This one, though, has been notorious ever since it was first announced. KFC, to their credit (maybe?), seems to have embraced the notoriety. But that doesn't really improve things.



Construction Worker: "Today is the day."
Skateboarder: "The day I ignore the voice of reason."

Seriously, that's the pitch? "You know that little voice in the back of your mind telling you that this food item is disgusting and awful? Just block that shit out." I could use the same logic to justify eating a package of Mallomars and washing it down with turkey gravy. You know, in theory.

Office Type: "The day I talk to the girl from accounting."

Not much of a comparable. Unless - is she riddled with STDs? Okay, you win, KFC. This is exactly like working up the nerve to eat your horrible sandwich.

Dude with classic car, for some reason: "The day I ditch the bun."

Okay, not bad - the Atkins diet isn't for everyone, but leaving off a fast food bun, which is a lot of refined white flour, will save you a fair number of calories...

Douchebag on couch: "And demand two meaty fillets!"

Uh oh.

Random guy on street: "Two slices of cheese!"
Guy walking indoors: "And two pieces of bacon."

"And two more notches on your belt." I love how they act like there was actually "demand" for this, like they didn't want to make the Double Down but Joe Back-Fat forced their hand. Does anyone really believe there was some focus group where KFC was testing out a new sandwich, and they kept getting the response "Would be better with entire second chicken fillet and without bun?"

Office Type: "Yeah. I said bacon."

Oh, bacon? Never heard of it. I assume this is some rare ingredient that no one would ever think to put on a fast food sandwich, and thus your extreme emphasis and pride here is not at all mispla- no, no, I'm being told that in fact bacon is quite popular and probably appears on more fast food sandwiches these days than does ketchup.

Construction Worker: "Today's the day... I double down."

And tomorrow is the day you get a stent put in. No, make that two stents! See what I did there?

Voiceover: "The KFC Double Down! Double meat, double cheese, double bacon, double awesome."

Bacon is meat. And this thing really just looks gross. Oh, but it's also in grilled! Sweet, I was worried that two chicken breast fillets plus bacon and cheese might be a smidge too many calories. You do save all of 60 calories (still 480), although astonishingly the grilled version has significantly more cholesterol than the original recipe.

Voiceover: "Get yours today."

Pass.

Douchebag on couch: "So good."

I really don't like this guy. Why is he trying to eye-fuck the camera and only speaking out of one side of his mouth? Fuck him. I have no interest in anything he likes. Anyway, in case you missed him saying "So good," here comes a really obnoxious jingle to spell it out for you. No, seriously:

Jingle: "So S-O, G-Double-O-D Good!"

What the fuck is that stupid bullshit? First of all, "so good" itself is barely an acceptable slogan. Second of all, that is the best you could do for a song? "Hey, let's say the exact same thing twice, except in between the two words we'll spell the whole thing!" Who had to bill KFC for the thirty seconds it took them to write and compose that piece of shit?

This really is the evolution of fatness in America, isn't it? Sure, compared to some other products, the Double Down really isn't that bad - 540 calories and 32 grams of fat in 241 grams, which is absolutely dwarfed by that BK Homestyle Melt (810, 58, 221). But we've gone from "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of these vegetables!" to "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of this worthless bun!", which is just kind of ridiculous. Can you really even still call it a sandwich if it lacks a bun? And what's next? A chicken fillet with bacon and cheese jammed between two hamburger patties? A whole pork belly between two pieces of chicken? A turducken wrapped in bacon? A chicken fillet in between two entire roast pigs? Don't forget the melted butter for dipping!

What if we just grossed everybody out?

You know, it's funny. I went to YouTube to find a new Arby's Roastburger commercial that I thought used some particularly clumsy sex appeal. Instead, I found an Arby's Roastburger commercial that uses some particularly repulsive food appeal. Observe:



The commercial starts off strong -- it's a simple, to-the-point explanation of the new (liberally-named) Arby's "burger" versus the competition's fried burger. That's called "product differentiation," and it's a good way to use your marketing dollars, especially in a competition-clustered industry like QSR. But then at the 15 second mark, Arby's goes awry -- by showing this:


I don't care how good that Roastburger looks in the last couple seconds of the ad, all anybody is going to remember from this commercial is the weird teen noisily slathering the grease from a piece of food into his hair. It's like somebody at Arby's just doesn't understand that showing disgusting shit in your commercial isn't a great way to sell food.

Also, who thinks that Roastburger is really grease-free? Arby's is just a giant grease trap, really -- just walk into one sometime, your clothes won't smell the same the rest of the day. Their potato cakes? Curly fries? Mozzarella sticks? You know, if Arby's employees need to grease themselves up, they don't have to wait until their manager brings in a burger from McDonald's -- they've got plenty of oily crap sitting around.

So, roast beef, bacon, melted cheese, Arby's service staff with a hamburger freshly-rubbed into their coifs... I'm thinking maybe I'm not so hungry after all!