Gray's anathema

Move over, SalesGenie "Puppies" ad. I think we may have a new winner for "Most Revoltingly Manipulative Ad Involving Children."



It's a slight departure from Just for Men's usual pitch, which tends to be much more blatantly "Get rid of that gray hair if you want to get laid, Grandpa." But I'm not sure it's a good departure.

Older Daughter [shoving the younger daughter forward]: "Let's go."

Man, take some responsibility. You know she's pushing the younger kid forward just in case Dad hates what they're about to say. "Dad, you need to dye your hair." "WHAT???" "It was Kaitlyn's idea! And she says you should punish her by giving me her allowance!"

Older Daughter: "Dad?"
Dad: "Hm?"
Older Daughter: "It's time."

So far this could be about anything. Old Yeller needs to be put down?

Younger Daughter [with the most nauseatingly cute line reading in history]: "You'd be a really nice catch for somebody!"

"Anybody. Seriously. We don't care who, as long as they can cook. I've eaten Hot Pockets every night for the last two years and it's gotta stop."

I love the shocked/horrified look the dad gives as he lowers the paper. It's like he thinks they're here to drag him off to Carousel or something. Which, in a way, they sort of are.

Daughters [producing a package of Just for Men]: "Pleeeeease?"

God, the music in this ad. Is this a Just for Men commercial or an episode of The Waltons?

Announcer: "Just for Men takes five easy minutes, targets only the gray hair, and can start... something great."

Just for the record, I don't think I believe that it "targets only the gray hair." How the hell would it know? Just for Men doesn't contain tiny gnomes with paint brushes... or does it? (No.)

Dad [taking picture of himself with woman]: "For my girls."

"Hey, uh, no pressure, lady, but they're expecting a new mommy. Be prepared for a full and intense scrutiny of your looks, demeanor, and overall parenting skills until they leave for college."

Daughters [upon seeing photo]: "Yes!!" [high five]

Um, did he leave those kids home alone? The older one can't be older than, what, 10 or 11? Was she really left in charge? No wonder this guy needs a woman so badly; he clearly has the worst parental decision-making skills in history. "Okay, girls, while I'm off on my date you be good. Lindsey, there's some chicken in the fridge; I wrote down how to operate the fryer. Remember, if a grease fire starts, you can't pour water on it, okay? Love you!"

Older Daughter: "I'm glad we did it!"

The "Yes!" and high-five weren't enough of a tip-off, apparently. Is this commercial even aimed at men, or is it aimed at nosy little girls looking for hair dye products for Dad? "I'm glad we did it - and you could be glad too, other nine-year-olds! If your dad's getting laid, he'll probably buy you more toys! I mean, I'm a little girl and apparently I have a cell phone!"

Announcer: "Just for Men." [tagline: "Stay in the game."]

For the record, the guy they used in this ad didn't exactly seem to have the grayest hair in the world. But either way, I've always hated the way the Just for Men ads imply that gray hair is somehow appalling and repulsive. There's another one of these ads out now where a guy is forced to dye his hair to get a better job so he can spend more time with his kid - also incredibly manipulative - and most of them focus on how women are going to reject any guy with gray hair. Which is why it kills me that they're now advertising "Just for Men Touch of Gray," the ad for which shows guys with gray hair doing all the things that every other Just for Men ad would tell you can't be done by guys with gray hair. Make up your fucking mind, Just for Men. Is gray hair so pathetic and embarrassing that your daughters have to shame you into getting rid of it so you can get a date, or is it cool and hip and watch me on this surfboard? Say... you wouldn't be crassly pandering to both sides of the issue, would you?

I do have one good thing to say about these new Just for Men ads, though: at least Keith Hernandez and Walt "Clyde" Frazier are nowhere near them.

Lose some weight, ladies!

Who doesn't love a good cheeseburger now and then? Sure, all that meat and cheese can't be very good for you, but hey, it's not like we can't handle a few of them. Right?



This is part of Subway's by now rather lengthy campaign to embarrass fast food chains by saying that their products lead to things like "saddlebags" and "a paunch". But there's a difference between saying that eating high-calorie fast food will make you fat and enumerating exaggerated consequences of that potential weight gain... right? Let's let the dialogue speak for itself:

Cashier: "Bloated feeling, regret, remorse, a bigger waist, loss of self-esteem..."

So, okay, fine. We would probably all be better off eating Subway than eating McDonald's, at least if you had to do one or the other on a regular basis. But isn't perpetuating the idea that people should feel bad about themselves for being a bit overweight slightly problematic? I'm not saying that people should be fat, just that it's probably not the best idea to have everyone in the world obsessed with dropping ten pounds.

Cashier: "...loss of boyfriend..."

This line is the real reason this ad is in here. Loss of boyfriend! "Be careful not to put on any weight, ladies! Your man will dump your fat ass like that." I'm okay with encouraging healthy eating, but lines like this make the ad play more like a threat. "Eat that cheeseburger and you'll die alone. And probably years earlier, fat stuff." There's a definite difference between eating right and being unhealthily weight-conscious; it's not clear to me that Subway is recognizing that.

Cashier: "...shame, years of therapy, fries and a shake."

Years of therapy? For eating one cheeseburger? Hell, even if you ate one every day! Years of therapy? You're a fucking sandwich shop, Subway, not some panacea for the world's ills.

The thing I don't get about this is why Subway suddenly feels a need to resort to ads that bully rather than just sell their product. Entrepreneur Magazine ranks Subway the #2 franchise in the United States, #1 American-based franchise in the world, and #3 fastest-growing franchise (after having been #1 in three of the last four years). Within a few more years, if not sooner, there will be 30,000 Subway restaurants worldwide; McDonald's, the world's single most visible restaurant brand, has around 31,000. Subway has been phenomenally successful and is showing few signs of slowing down. So what is the fucking deal? Why does the advertising have to get so harsh? "Eating anywhere else will result in loss of self-esteem and years of therapy?" Really, Subway? Fucking really? I know it's supposed to be a humorous ad, but let's be real here - Subway is not actually kidding. Clearly they want everyone to go to Subway instead of competing fast food chains, and that's fine; I would expect them to. But a series of ads that basically attempt to shame the viewer into doing so? Maybe it's me, but that just seems counterproductive. When was the last time you bought anything out of guilt?

She'll pretty much have to

It's the holiday season, which means it must be time for an overload of the two types of commercials I hate possibly more than any others: luxury car ads where people walk into their driveway to find a Lexus with a bow on it, and ads for diamonds which suggest that literally the only way to appropriately express love for your girlfriend or wife is to shower her in expensive jewelry.



(There are far, far more egregious examples of bad diamond jewelry advertising, but I've been having a hard time finding them online, so this will have to do.)

I know that you always want a gift to be a surprise, but could this guy really not have found a better time to deliver this present than at a traffic light? This is a holiday ad - what's wrong with setting it in a living room like a normal person would? Or, you know, somewhere where the resulting show of affection wouldn't bother other people? Maybe I'm crazy.

Mercifully, this ad doesn't go anywhere near the all-too-frequent trope in diamond advertising of suggesting that anything less than an enormous rock is virtually cause for divorce. But it certainly does suggest that (a) there is no present better than a diamond of some sort (it doesn't even matter what! Engagement ring? Perfect! Necklace? Great! Odd-looking circle pendant? Whatever, it has diamonds on it!) and (b) diamonds = love. Remember, this is the industry that brainwashed a generation of television viewers into thinking that an engagement ring should cost two months' salary. Because nothing says "I love you" like "I just compromised our future financial security by spending 17% of my entire year's wages on this one ring," right?

Just look at slogans like "Every kiss begins with Kay." I mean, how fucking despicable is that? "If you want her to love you, or at least to show it, diamonds to the rescue!" Or the "He went to Jared" ads where men are shamed not for failing to buy diamonds but for failing to buy diamonds that are awesome enough for the status-hungry women they're dating or married to. Recently I've heard radio ads in which a woman tells her husband that if he's going to buy her a diamond, he'd better make sure he talks to an expert. Diamonds: When it's no longer the thought that counts! And of course let's not forget that even though "a diamond is forever," it should apparently be replaced with a newer, more expensive model every couple of years. Diamonds: When saying "I love you" isn't good enough, give her the shiny, costly gift she can brag to her friends about. Sickening.

Pierce uses everybody.

This is so blatantly manipulative that I'm surprised that it isn't an SNL parody commercial.



If the kid is savvy enough to know that she should whisper the line "He's making a lot more money," I don't for a second believe that she's simperingly naïve enough to refer to the website as "this thing called SalesGenie.com" (which her mommy "gave" to her father) rather than saying "my mommy told my daddy about a website called SalesGenie.com." She's gonna be a sleazy snake oil peddler when she grows up, just like dad!

Does the salesman look familiar to you? Remember this?



Say, little lady, does your mommy know that your daddy is running around on her? Did she see the generic blonde getting out of your daddy's sports car in the last three seconds of the commercial? And to add insult to injury, does your mommy know that your daddy is passing off SalesGenie as his own "work smarter" idea, instead of telling his young protegé that his wife bailed his ass out of the ignominious hell of low-tier salesmanship?

Also, he's just rolled up in a burgundy SUV. Did he sell the sports car to cover his ass? Wait a minute, that white gabled house isn't even the same McMansion we saw in the last commercial! He's got a whole other secret life.

Sorry, I got distracted by the details. Psst, kid, the audience might not have heard how excited you are about the puppies, and that's the money shot. Say it again! "Puppy! Puppy!" Then again, there *are* two of them. Maybe I'm being too cynical and she's just showing off her puppy counting abilities.

Do *you* come with the body spray?

It's hard to believe that a world in which Axe and Tag exist has room for another body spray with an ad campaign worse than either of those, but here's the proof:



Axe has stupid ads, but at least they're tongue-in-cheek. The geniuses behind the RGX campaign have bought wholeheartedly into the hype. Rather than a slew of largely faceless women throwing themselves at the guy as in most Axe ads, the RGX ads feature a lone woman, posing seductively for the viewer, leaning on the idea that if he uses RGX, this is the class of woman he will be able to attract. One of the viewer comments on the YouTube page for this video about says it all: "If this body spray could get me one date with that woman I would probably buy a lifetime supply!" Of course that's what Right Guard is counting on. The whole premise reminds me of the Simpsons episode where they go to the auto show and the woman is posing on the "Win a free car!" car. First 15 seconds of this video:



Advertisers think men are troglodytes with poor handles on causality. That's why there are so many ads for male-oriented products - beer, snack foods, deodorant - that lean so heavily on the idea that use of this product means more sex.

Woman: "Don't act, don't assume, don't presume, don't fake. Just be yourself. You know how to do that. Don't you?"

Apparently by spraying on a mass-produced aerosol deodorant to cover up your nasty man-odor. There are four whole scents! So on average, you should only smell like 25% of the other bar patrons!

By the way, did the writer of this commercial look up "assume" and "presume" in the dictionary before he wrote it? Because they basically mean the exact same fucking thing. While we're at it, "don't act" and "don't fake" pretty much mean the same thing in this context too. Was it really that hard to come up with two other verbs that a guy shouldn't do on the date he's never going to have with this woman? (For that matter, what the crap is he "assuming?" This ad doesn't make a lick of sense.)

Woman: "Are you ready to step up?"

Yeah, nothing says stepping up like masking your horrible sweaty smell with a cheap, generic scent you picked up at the 7-11 on the way to your date! Man, this woman likes her some classy dates. I can't wait to get my RGX so I can nail her.

Life takes carelessness with your finances

Perhaps the worst of bad commercials are the ones that promote a product to the potential detriment of consumers. Mix in some unrelenting smugness and, well, this is just one of the worst ones ever.



It's a shame, because the first 30-40 seconds of this ad are pretty good. Sure, they mean nothing without the "punchline," which sucks, but the choreography is decent. Unfortunately, then we have the end of the ad, which makes Apple's ad campaigns look like an ad for Paxil.

Oh no! Cash! Not cash! Not actual bank notes! Paper money is the currency of the dinosaur! Only jerks and poor people still carry cash. And I mean, keeping track of your expenses? That's for losers. Receipts are for assholes who want to slow down the rest of the world. Here's a conversation between the annoyed old guy behind our cash-carrying friend and the cashier, once Mr. Cash has moved on:

Old Guy: Jesus, can you believe that asshole? Carrying cash. He just wasted at least three seconds of my day. This food isn't going to wolf itself down so I have time to smoke a cigarette before my break's over.
Cashier: Ugh, I know. I mean, the nerve of that guy to make me actually do my job. If only everyone used the Visa Check Card, I could be rendered totally obsolete and have to find another thankless, low-paying job to supplement my writing income. But that's okay - I almost sold an article to Harper's last week!
Old Guy: Wait a minute - why are we even having this conversation? I don't have time for human interaction, let alone five seconds of actual financial accountability!
Cashier: Good point. So, your total is -
Old Guy: Doesn't matter. [swipes card] Bye!

It's bad enough that we live in a society that hands out credit cards to college students willy-nilly, encouraging them to run up sizable debts that they'll be paying down for years. Or one where customers are pressured to sign up for credit cards to get discounts at department stores. Remember, credit card companies aren't giving you huge lines of credit out of the goodness of their hearts; they're doing it in the hope that you get stuck paying exorbitant interest fees for years, lining their pockets. To be fair, this isn't the same problem with check cards; the money is withdrawn directly from the purchaser's bank account, taking away the middleman issues that create such problems with credit for many people. But check cards (and other debit cards) have an entirely different problem: because there is often a delay in posting, someone using their check card a lot and with a relatively low bank balance on the linked account might not realize that they've overdrawn their checking account until it's too late - and overdrawing can be an even bigger problem than maxing out one's credit card.

All this is what makes ads like this one so dangerous. Most debit cards still require a PIN if not a signature, but Visa is promoting their check card as "swipe it and you're done," because what the world needs is "faster money." Because there's so much fucking difference between a two-second transaction and a seven-second transaction. And what's with the look the cashier gives the guy? Is she afraid her dark secret - that she doesn't actually know how to count - will be exposed now that someone is actually paying with cash?

It's a super-smug commercial, to be sure - which is weird, because it's not like Visa is some upstart company taking aim at the conglomerate Big Dollar - but the real crime lies in its social irresponsibility. People should not be encouraged to be freewheeling spenders who don't keep track of their finances. (Okay, they're buying lunch, not plasma-screen TVs, but it's the principle of the thing.) And I just don't get the idea behind "people who carry cash are outdated fools." It's cash! What is the big fucking deal?

Yes, there are people out there perfectly capable of having a Visa Check Card and keeping track of their finances. I'm not worried about them. I'm worried about the millions of people who can't handle it. And believe me, they're out there - if this country weren't full of people who were careless with money, the credit card companies wouldn't even still be in business. The idea of encouraging the entire country to switch to fully digital money just scares me - a world with no hard currency is a world where people have shakier and shakier handles on their day-to-day financial situations. And the more careless people are with their money, the better things are for companies like Visa.

So, well done, Visa. Not only is your ad insufferably smug, it's also reprehensibly dangerous. Couldn't you just have endorsed your product in a reasonable manner? Something like, "When you can't get to an ATM, the Visa Check Card is as good as cash?" Or, "Some places don't take checks, but since you may not want to use a credit card, the Visa Check Card is as good as a check?" Oh, yeah, you did that second one. (And I'm pretty sure the first one too, I just can't find an example on YouTube.) Can I safely presume, since you've moved on to making commercial about the shitty, stupid people who use checks and cash, that you haven't made the inroads you've wanted with the check card? Maybe, in spite of what you want to happen, people are willing to just use cash, keeping their spending in better check? Is that possible? I guess the next series of ads will just have to feature someone getting shot in a robbery because they were slowed down by their cash. "Visa Check Card: You do want to live, don't you?"

Glengenie Glen Ross

Ah, the time-honored method of advertising: using our product will make you more successful and attractive to the opposite sex.



Generic Blonde: "Pierce, what's with the new sports car? How 'bout a ride?"

What's with the new sports car? It's going to be revealed momentarily that Pierce is phenomenally successful at his sales job. I wonder how he affords cars like that? Maybe it's all those commissions he gets from selling things, which he does frequently? Does this woman even work at this company?

Pierce: "Maybe!"

"Lindsey in Finance offered a quickie in the supply closet, but I'll give you the chance to top that!"

Note the obvious implication here that Pierce is single. So the commercial is pitched at men in their late-40s (at least; this guy clearly dyes his hair and looks old enough to be that woman's dad), by promising them extravagant wealth plus the advances of their younger, sluttier coworkers. Who could resist? (Also, pay attention to the emphasis the woman puts on "ride." Total skank.)

Pierce: "Walter! Let's play some golf this afternoon!"
Walter: "Sorry, I haven't sold anything all month."

The trustiest subliminal message in any commercial: the guy who doesn't use your product is less attractive than the one who does. Of course, since the star of this ad is Leathery Grandpa Pierce, his foil has to be Bald Schlumpy Walter, the overworked loser whose failure to exploit a sales lead service has the wolf at his door. What'll it be, salesmen? Chestnut hair dye and a tee time, or outstanding water bills and a cueball? That's what I thought.

Boss: "Pierce, come in here. Hey - you're doing great. Wanna come to my house for dinner tonight?"
Pierce [much too loudly]: "Absolutely!"

"Rub elbows with the bigwigs! Earn your way into upper management!" Or brown-nose your way there. You know, whatever. Perhaps Pierce has been selling so well that the boss is preparing to offer his first-born son to him, and the dinner is just where the formal handover will take place. Either way, Pierce seems almost cartoonishly excited. Maybe it's all the cocaine that's been keeping him in peak sales form.

Generic Slacker Guy: "Dude, how do you do it? You've sold three million dollars this quarter already!"

Give the brains at whatever back-alley ad agency foisted this steamer on the public SalesGenie some credit: they've managed to work a lot of character development into these two sentences. For example, we know that this guy is probably lazy and/or bad at his job, because he starts questions with "Dude." But more importantly, the guy is the office expositor. It's his job to state facts that are obvious to the person he's talking to, just in case some unseen audience happens to be listening in. "Dude, how do you do it? You're beating gold diggers off with a stick, unintentionally driving Walter closer to suicide, and you're going to receive a surprising sexual proposition from Mr. Henderson in four hours. All that and your tie has diagonal stripes!"

Pierce: "Motley (?), only fools work hard. I work smart. I use SalesGenie.com. I get just the right sales leads."

I guess my question here is, how much less hard does a person really have to work if they use SalesGenie? Sure, it's probably more reliable a database of names than, say, the phone book, but on the other hand, the phone book doesn't cost anything. In fact, the SalesGenie website even states things like:

If you mail 100 pieces using our lists, it’s not unusual for 8-10 pieces to come back undeliverable. If you are making phone calls, you can expect 10% of the calls will not be completed. ... We suggest that you verify the list you get from us and build a more valuable prospecting database for yourself. ... Our lists are only one factor in the success of any promotion. You must also have a good product, competitive pricing, quality service, attractive marketing pieces, and an effective marketing plan.

I especially like the middle one. "Save time by buying leads from SalesGenie! (Note: Please spend time verifying all leads; also, get your own.)" I imagine that most of this disclaimer is only there because SalesGenie is legally required to point out that they aren't exactly selling 100% foolproof money makers here. Remember, you must also be selling something worthwhile! So don't blame SalesGenie when your homemade trash sculptures fail to find an audience. Seriously, though - I don't have access to SalesGenie's database, but I imagine that the biggest difference between it and the phone book is that the people in the database have way more magazine subscriptions.

Announcer: "For 100 free sales leads, go to SalesGenie.com."

Check out who's getting out of the car in the last shot - that's right, it's the slutty coworker from the opening scene! Pierce's success has driven her wild with passion! The passion to be his cocktail-swilling trophy wife.

EDIT: Unbeknownst to me when I wrote this post, this ad was named the worst ad of the 2007 Super Bowl during a viewer poll. Nevertheless, its message - use us and be successful and/or sexually active - apparently worked. Proof once more that companies are going to keep running stupid, shitty ads as long as consumers keep falling for them.