I hope they serve Bud Light Golden Wheat in hell

I don't know where exactly to put the blame for this, because it's an epidemic that's really been going around over the last couple years. White Castle compared eating its barbecue pork slider to attending a burlesque show in which a human in pig costume is drenched in barbecue sauce à la Flashdance. Burger King suggested that Whopper Juniors are produced when a hamburger has sex with a human woman. Even the typically sedate Reese's opted for an ad implying that its peanut butter eggs were the result of amorous behavior between a chocolate bunny and a jar of PB. Leave it to Bud Light not just to continue this trend but to somehow up the ante.



You might have seen this ad during the recent Saturday Night Live episode in which Bud Light bought almost all of the ad space to pimp its new Golden Wheat variety. And then, if you died of a heart attack later that night and went to hell, you probably saw it on the big screen down there, played at a volume loud enough to drown out the wails of the damned.

Stodgy Boss Type: "Bud Light and Golden Wheat? I thought that was never gonna happen."

Woman 1: "Of course it was going to happen."

Woman 2: "She practically threw herself at him."

Before I go any further, let me just clear this up: yes, I get the joke. Bud Light and Golden Wheat! It's like they're people! Hilarious! The problem is that the joke is (a) terrible and (b) ultimately rather disgusting.

Dude-Bro 1: "Ask her out, I told him. You're America's favorite beer."

Some Other Guy: "You could see he wanted her... we all wanted her."

I'm sorry, you all wanted... to have sex with a vaguely anthropomorphic sheaf of wheat? I guess the problem there is it would merely have resulted in Golden Wheat Urine, which as a beverage ranks at least one notch below Bud Light.

Dude-Bro 1: "Bud Light sealed the deal."

[Scene of Bud Light and Golden Wheat getting it on in the elevator]

Because, I mean, that's what I want to think happened. Do I want to be told about the taste of the beer? Of course not! What I want to know is, if this beer's existence could have been the result of sexual activity, what two things would have fucked to produce it? The answer, of course: golden wheat, and regular Bud Light. (I would also have accepted Budweiser and light golden wheat. As if that would ever happen.)

Security Guard: "Oh... that's nice."

No. It is not.

Announcer: "Introducing Bud Light Golden Wheat. Light beer, huge-"

Huge penis? Huge erection? Huge double-D-cup wheat boobs?

Announcer: "-flavor."

Boring.

Announcer: "They hooked up, and you're gonna fall in love."

I'm going to "fall in love" with my toilet bowl, at any rate. Lord. It isn't funny, and it isn't appetizing. If you insist on using sex to sell things, can't it be regular human sex? Why is the food always doing the procreating?

I know what you're thinking. "There's no way it gets worse than that." But you're wrong!

Oh yeah.

Woman 1: "At first we were against it."

Mostly because the idea of beer having sex with a cereal crop was just head-spinning.

Woman 2: "He's so not your type."

Woman 1: "He goes out, like, every night!"

[Shot of a human woman grinding against Bud Light in a club]

Is this a metaphor? I don't even know anymore. I guess we've already opened up the possibility of humans having sex with either of these anthropomorphic monstrosities in the other ad.

Woman 3 (2 again?): "You know, eventually he took to what she liked, learned about her..."

Woman 1: "He really made an effort."

Thank God! I was worried this beer I was drinking was the result of a sweaty, lust-fueled elevator hookup. But maybe it had more to do with monogamous relationship sex. America!

Woman 1: "But there really is a fine line between romance and stalking."

That's right, ladies. If you're not interested in a guy, you don't need to put up with him serenading you from outside your window. That's called stalking.

Woman 3 and/or 2: "Yeah, but he walked it like a pro."

Just kidding! If a man climbs to your window on a ladder, it just means he wants you so much that it's your feminine duty to submit to his advances! Good thing we have beer commercials to teach us important lessons like this.

For good measure, we get another wheat/beer sex scene, or whatever that's supposed to be. It's not like Bud Light's non-sex ads for Golden Wheat tell you all that much about the beer - the thesis of this one boils down to "Wheat: probably tasty" - and I guess Bud Light sells itself for the most part, but man. The whole campaign just strikes me as a ploy aimed squarely at the post-frat audience - hey, you like beer, right? Do you also like sex and jokes about sex? Well, we've got a new beer flavor and we're advertising it with sex and/or sex jokes! And just in case anyone was unclear on the target, here's a joke about how stalking can be easily construed as romance, right out of the Tucker Max handbook.

The irony of all this is that wheat beer strikes me as more of a specialty thing, not exactly the drink of choice for guys heading off to the bar to pound six Bud Lights. (Also, it's somewhat hilarious that Bud Light is going with the tagline "Huge flavor!" when wheat beer is known to be light on account of the fact that "wheat contributes very little flavor to a beer." Good call there!) Wheat beer is not the drink of choice for the typical Bud Light crowd, and somehow I doubt that even they have the power to make it so. On the other hand, that beer totally fucked that wheat. Get two, bro! This oughta be good.

I dunno, my BFF Kmart?

If there's one thing we love here at The Ad Wizards, it's when commercials attempt to make up new words that they hope will turn into the argot of the 21st century. Like when Comcast tried to push shit like "phoruption" on us. Or Wendy's and "meatatarian." Did I say love? Sorry, I meant "hate with the fire of a thousand suns." Fortunately, Kmart would never stoop to that level.



Alternately, they would make one of the most painful ads in history, using this mediocre gimmick. Hey, Kmart - you know you're Kmart, right? Do you really think you're going to convince us that you're the cool place where all the hip kids shop?

Teacher: "Your word is 'rockstare.'"

First of all, what is the context here? "Your word is" implies some sort of spelling bee, but we're in a normal classroom, and I'm pretty sure in a spelling bee the other contestants aren't allowed to shout definitions. Also this is retarded.

Boy: "Definition, please?"
Girl 1: "It's that look you get when you dress like a rock star!"

Notice how the bass-heavy music starts playing at this point. Young people, am I right?

Girl 2: "These jeans? Were made for rockstaring."

Stop. We all know this is not a thing. Stop trying to make it happen. Second of all, what are these kids, 12 years old? Do you think there's a chance we could not go to the "showing-off-my-ass" shot? Also, I know we're in an economic downturn and what have you, but $12 jeans are not considered cool by anyone except your mom.

Girl 3: "You put the rock in rockstare." [pops sweatshirt embarrassingly]

And this commercial puts the fake in "That is some seriously fake shit that would never happen anywhere, ever."

Announcer: "Don't just shop back to school, rock back to school, at Kmart!"

And another 12-year-old ass shot, just for good measure. I guess it's hard to display jeans without showing someone's bottom half, but when you move on to this:

Girl 4: "I could rockstare at those jeans all day!"

That's just going nowhere good.

[Girl 4 looks over at a boy in a hoodie.]
Boy 2: "Are you rockstaring at me?"
[Class laughs good-naturedly]

Oh, the world of commercials. Here's how that plays out in real life:

[Girl looks over at boy.]
Boy: Are you rockstaring at me?
Girl: [disgusted] What?
Boy: You know, um, rockstaring? Like, staring at someone because they look like a rock star...
Other Boy: What, did you just make that up?
Boy: No, it's... it was in a commercial...
Girl: You mean that Kmart commercial?
[Entire class laughs derisively; boy bursts into tears]
Girl: Anyway, I was just wondering how long it had been since you took a shower.

Blue Light Bulb: "There's smart... and there's Kmart smart."

"There's annoying... and there's stab myself in the face with a rusty ice pick annoying."

It would be one thing if I thought this ad had any basis in reality, but you know it was just dreamed up by some 35-year-old creative writer who fell asleep with "High School Musical" on the night before.

Of course, this wouldn't be advertising if they only used a horrible idea once.



Teacher: "Your word is 'blingitude.'"
Presumably a Boy: "Definition, please?"

Nice hair, jackass.

Girl 1: "Blingitude is a girl's BFF, AEAE."

Maybe I'm getting old, but I actually had to Google this because I had no idea what the fuck "AEAE" was supposed to be. Apparently it's short for "and ever and ever," which is so utterly useless an addition that it just makes me angry. I wouldn't even mention it except that I found the answer at Yahoo! Answers, and check out the question being asked. Brand recognition FTW!

Girl 2: "My jeans practically invented blingitude."

Has "bling" really already morphed into just meaning "thing that is kind of good"? This is nonsensical.

Girl 3: "When it comes to blingitude, sometimes less is... way more!"

"See, kids, it's totally cool if your outfit only cost ten bucks!" This ad paid for by Moms Incorporated.

Girl 4: "And sometimes, more is more!"

Peace sign with wings: super cool. Super blingy. I remember that episode of MTV's Cribs when they went over to Jay-Z's mansion and he came out wearing a t-shirt with a winged peace sign and was all, "Check this bling out, holla!" (Note: May not have happened.)

More gratuitous middle school ass (this ad now paid for by People Who Have Appeared on To Catch a Predator Incorporated) leads us into the final "joke":

Nerd-Type: "Do I have blingitude?"
[Long pause]
All [in that "We're only saying this to be nice" way]: "...Yeah!"
[Nerd-type seems relieved]

Good thing Kmart is around to break down the social barriers of grade school! By making sure that everyone understands that fat kid + glasses = total dork, whereas the rest of the students, with their trendy bargain outfits and 80-pound, model-thin frames, are the arbiters of cool. Seek that approval, nerds! It's as easy as shopping at Kmart. I suggest bragging constantly that that's where you got your back-to-school outfit; you're sure to be a hit!

Go home, Klondike, you're embarrassing yourself.

Remember Klondike's iconic jingle? "What would you doooo for a Klondike bar?"



The commercials were silly, but I get the message: Klondike bars are delicious. There's no need to sell this product any harder- chocolate and vanilla ice cream? That's a combination that never fails, unlike the combination of Klondike Bars and desperation. This includes a round-the-clock broadcast of Michael Ian Black harassing potential Klondike Bar customers who are walking, talking examples of "don't be this guy."

Do you want this guy to be your "bro"?



Klondike's grand plan to rebrand itself also includes a repulsive old-school type video game entitled "The Adventures of Khaki Pants Pete" on their "ironic" website. Jezebel rescues you from having to play the actual game by showing you screencaps here. As the embodiment of a Klondike Bar aficionado, Pete avoids his wife, shirks childcare responsibilities, hits on the babysitter, heads to a porn shop, dreams of his glory days as the frattiest gadabout in town, and then hits a bachelor party that involves interactive pudding wrestling. Oh, I'm sorry, "pudding freakin' wrestling."

Klondike, you are not beer. You're not an extreme sports drink. You're not hot wings. You're not beef jerky, jello shooters, corn chips, or Axe Body Spray. What you are is a nostalgic, cold, delicious treat for all kinds of people- men and women, children and grandparents. Why in the hell are you trying so hard to cut yourself off from a universal demographic?

I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey

Hey, dummy. Are you too stupid to understand the concept of a computer virus? Well, what if Norton did a dopey, drawn-out commercial that used a nonsensical analogy? Would that help?



Yeah, I didn't think so.

Announcer: "Imagine this chicken is your hard drive, and the 80s metal band Dokken is a computer virus."

Was this commercial written by the same manatees who produce the jokes for Family Guy? Dokken? Has anyone even thought about them in the last 20 years? Let's just say I'm not surprised they were available.

Announcer: "Dokken does not like chicken, and wants to destroy it. The chicken, not knowing Dokken's intentions, doesn't really have any feelings either way."

I love that the analogy already runs off the rails here, since computer viruses are ultimately just bits of executable code, and are not capable of liking or disliking things. Also, I would suggest that the worst computer viruses are the ones that look to mine your hard drive for personal data, rather than ones that simply seek to maliciously destroy your data for sport. But whatever makes the most sense. Oh, right - nothing in this ad makes sense.

Announcer: "Now you have a choice. Would you like to allow Dokken to have its way with your chicken, unleashing a wrath the likes of which the chicken has never seen? Or would you like to deny it?"

Uh, Norton doesn't actually have a "Nah, let that virus run rampant" option in its software, right?

[The chicken pulls a knife on Dokken.]
Don Dokken: "Whoa. Take it easy, bro!"

A perfect allegory for the workings of antivirus software. Well, if they'd used Glass Tiger instead it would have been perfect. But this is pretty close.

Don Dokken: "This ain't over."
Announcer: "Protect your chicken from Dokken."

Alternate slogans for this ad campaign:

"Protect your inner tube from Welshmen"

"Protect your self-esteem from pandas"

"Protect your wet-dry vacuum from Annette Funicello"

"Protect your sourdough roll from Halley's Comet"

"Protect your gravy boat from ? and the Mysterians"

"Protect your mason jar from the Caspian Sea"

Sadly, all of these were deemed far too comprehensible to work.

Articles killed the radio star

Please tell me this is actually an official renaming, and not a painful attempt at "hip" rebranding.



First of all, way to break the bank on that ad. Second of all, no one calls you that (I guess Radio Shack doesn't have friends?). Third of all... no. Just no. There are companies that can pull this off - such as McDonald's drilling down to "Mickey D's" (although that always made me want to stab myself in the ear) - but Radio Shack? You are not one of those companies.

Now, if this is actually part of a move to completely rename the company "The Shack," because your name has gotten kind of obsolete in the modern era... well, it's still kind of stupid. But at least it's much less stupid. So I hope, for your sake, that that's the story here.

EDIT: Looks like it is. However, I refuse to withdraw my gripe entirely, seeing as how the print ad on that Gizmodo page is the worst kind of "please whore yourself out for our benefit" faux-viral nonsense that companies routinely spin these days. Anyone who actually follows those instructions deserves to be slapped in the face.

KGBoobs

Apparently KGB wasn't getting enough business from offering to retrieve the most easily obtained information in the universe for you. How about you text them asking for a random opinion and they just pull something out of their ass?



Man 1: "Look at that joker."
Man 2: "That is so dumb."
Man 1: "Is there any mascot stupider than an aardvark?"
Man 2: "I don't know. Let's KGB it."

Okay, a few things. First of all, stop trying to make "Let's KGB it!" happen. You are not Google. Second of all, isn't KGB pitching itself as some sort of repository of knowledge? I guess "knowing a lot of mascots and picking out a relatively silly one" is knowledge of a sort, but this isn't exactly answering trivia questions, is it?

KGB Woman: "Is there any mascot more stupid than an aardvark?"

KGB Man: "Well, there's the boll weevil from the University of Arkansas at Monticello..."

KGB Woman: "Boll weevil!"

I guess that's stupid. I don't know. What about the banana slug of UC Santa Cruz, or the geoduck of Evergreen State? A much funnier Arkansas-Monticello factoid, for my money, is the fact that the men's teams are the Boll Weevils and the women's teams are the Cotton Blossoms.

Boll weevil: "I'll show you [bleep]ing stupid!" [tackles the aardvark and begins punching him in the junk]

My only guess: the person who wrote this ad went to Arkansas-Monticello.

Man, that was dumb. Is there any ad stupider than that KGB ad?

Answer: yes. This KGB ad:

Woman: "Hello!"
Guy: "How can I tell my girlfriend's bra size?"

Maybe it's me, but if you're comfortable enough to buy lingerie or undergarments for your girlfriend, shouldn't you know her bra size? And, nice gratuitous cleavage shot. Good to know that even shitty text-message informational services are not above selling their product using sex.

Woman [as if speaking her first words since emerging from a coma]: "Maybe, you should ask, someone."

Guy: "Ah! Good idea!"

You could, say, ask your girlfriend. Too obvious?

KGB Man: "I got this one. You take your hands..."

KGB Woman: "Actually, the best way is to compare them to a piece of fruit. Are they apples, oranges, or grapefruits?"

Yeah, whatever. It just needs to be close, right? Am I right, ladies? (Oh, I guess I'm not.) Granted, this guy isn't buying an actual bra, but then why go that way at all? Other than as a cheap excuse to talk about breasts, show close-ups of breasts, and generally try to make the male audience drool over an otherwise boring ad.

Guy: "They are melons."

Woman: "I have those."

Haw. Melons. Am I right, guys?

KGB Man: "How do you like them apples?"

KGB Woman: "Those are grapefruits."

KGB Man: [leers lasciviously]

"Well, whatever they are, you'll be touching them later in my head!" I'm glad KGB is such a relaxed workplace that they can keep a breast reference model around for the 0.05% of questions that involve breast size and general gawking the other 99.95% of the time. Very progressive.

Catherine, Catherine, Catherine, can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me

I guess this is one way to sell a product.



I'd like her to cover my need at the price I want! Hi-yo!

Seriously, that's actually an ad. "Here's the pitch: Catherine Zeta-Jones is going to kind of explain that T-Mobile can save you money, but mostly the commercial will be about how this nerdy kid wants to fuck her." Pure gold, I tells ya! Wait, though: it gets worse. Much worse.



"Okay, Tim, you're playing the husband. Can you play this as skeevy as possible? You can? Awesome."

CZJ: "So, let's go online and give you a mobile makeover!"
Wife: "Great."
Husband: "I like it when you say things."

First of all, do people really need Catherine Zeta-Jones to come to their house and help them use the computer? Whatever. I'm guessing it wasn't that hard to drag her back onto the set of another commercial when the premise was "Every man in the world thinks Catherine Zeta-Jones is the hottest thing ever, to the point of being horrible in front of their wives."

CZJ: "Right... so, looks like you'll get great coverage and save money with T-Mobile."

Not at all vague information about the product! Back to the creepy dude.

Husband: "And my wife'll like that."
Wife: "I'm right here."
Husband [not looking at her, still staring at CZJ]: "That's my wife Jen. We're married. Technically."

You're not going to be married much longer, pal.

You know what this kind of reminds me of? The Rachael Ray Dunkin' Donuts ad that was clearly at least as much an ad for Rachael Ray as it was Dunkin' Donuts. Here are the messages I took from these T-Mobile ads, in order of perceived importance:

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones is so, so hot.
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones' hotness turns boys into men and brings men to their knees.
3. When Catherine Zeta-Jones is in the room, your wife all but ceases to exist.
4. Catherine Zeta-Jones' breasts could bring about world peace.
5. T-Mobile can maybe save you money, somehow.

The Summer of Condiments

Oh dear.



[Twentysomethings hang out at a party while the announcer talks. Edgy, animated text matches his words on the screen.]
Announcer: "Don't go unnoticed. Don't blend in. Don't be ordinary, boring or bland. In other words..."

Now, if I just showed you the first nineteen seconds of that ad, what would you think it was for? Some sort of hip clothing company? The latest premium malt beverage? Granted, it's kind of a lame ad regardless, but it's when we get to the product that things go completely to hell.

Announcer: "...don't be so mayo."

Honestly, the first time I saw this ad I still didn't figure it out, even after this line. Mostly because I never expected to see an ad for a condiment that looked like an ad for Smirnoff Ice.

Announcer: "We are our own unique one of a kind flavor. We are Miracle Whip, and we will not tone it down."

That's the entire ad. You will not "tone it down"? Someone wanted Miracle Whip to "tone it down"? If the tone on Miracle Whip were any lower it would be sub-zero. I understand the pitch - "Miracle Whip! We're not mayonnaise! We taste different, you guys!" - but this was the best angle they had? The official mediocre condiment of rebellious youth?

You know what this ad is like? Imagine you're a teenager and your dad shows up at a party of yours, dressed in contemporary clothes he can't possibly pull off, and saying things like "I was hoping I could chill with you dawgs for a while," putting all the emphasis on the "cool" words that clearly even he knows he really shouldn't be saying. Now, if that happened, you'd be embarrassed both by and for him, right? Well, that's how I feel after seeing this ad.

You're not cool, Miracle Whip. You're not cool and you never will be. You just make me sad.

Could I be any worse of an ad?

I'll take "attacking things your competitors don't do" for $200, Alex.



Wife: "Hey, did you ever find tickets to Hawaii?"
Husband: "Hawaii Five-O! Book 'em, Dano! Aloha! Mele Kalikimaka! Surf lingo! Brah, I was stoked when I caught that tasty barrel!"

I mean, fine, I guess this is supposed to be hyperbole. But it's hyperbole so extreme that it just means nothing. Go to Google and type in "tickets to Hawaii," not that anyone would ever type in so vague a term when they specifically were looking for airline tickets. The first two results are Cheap Tickets and Orbitz, both of which will sell you plane tickets to Hawaii. In case you meant something else, you're also presented on the first page with other links where they sell tickets for University of Hawaii sporting events. Type in "plane tickets to Hawaii" and you get a bunch of sites that sell you plane tickets to Hawaii. I don't know how far you'd have to go in the results for "tickets to Hawaii" to find "Book 'em, Dano," but I'm guessing it's pretty far. Even if you're the kind of idiot who just types in "Hawaii," three of the first four results are tourism-related.

Wife: "Seriously, did you price out tickets?"
Husband: "How to beat a traffic ticket! Ten proven methods traffic courts don't want you to know!"
Wife: "What are you talking about?"
Husband: "Talk turkey!"
Wife: "What?"
Husband: "Talk live with hot singles in your area! They're waiting."
Wife: "Who's waiting?"
Slogan on screen: "What has search overload done to us?"

Uh... nothing? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this commercial? Just for the hell of it, I also typed "tickets to Hawaii" into Yahoo and Ask.com and got similar results to Google - Yahoo even had all of their top results relating to flights. Then I typed it into Bing.com's engine, and got basically the same results (although fewer of theirs seemed to deal with flights, which is vaguely hilarious).

I realize that not everyone in the world is an internet expert; I'm old enough to remember a time without the internet, but young enough that it's been a major part of most of my life (and certainly my entire adult life). But COME ON. If you know enough to access the internet, I fail to see what Bing.com is doing for you that every other search engine can't. It's like they're trying to trick old people into thinking that this is how Google works. "Hey, boomers! Use Bing.com! Did you know that Google will vomit a stream of tangentially related non-sequiturs like a mental patient if you search using it? It's true! Uh, don't bother trying to verify that, it's just going to lull you into a false sense of security with a successful initial search..." Their use of the term "decision engine" only plays this up all the more. "Are you too old and computer illiterate to browse through a page of search results? We'll decide for you!" Never mind that I've used Bing a couple times now and fail to see where it's "deciding" any more than Google when it gives you... a page of search results. At least Google has the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

This ad is the rough equivalent of Burger King making an ad in which they claim that if you go into a McDonald's and order a hamburger, you'll get a bag of diseased muskrats. (Not that I'd put that past Crispin Porter + Bogusky.) It's also exactly as effective. Anyone who knows anything about the internet knows you're full of shit, Microsoft, and this commercial is enough to send me lunging for the remote every time.

You call it: Toyota Prius "Harmony" commercial.

I totally get what Toyota is trying to do with this commercial, and as far as getting the content, imagery and music to be in sync with their product image and philosophy, they knocked it out of the park. Given that my beef is frequently with one or more of these things not hanging together, what could there be to complain about?



Well, that I find this commercial inexplicably creepy. All the undulating and people popping out of nowhere and the idea of the sun being a big ball of folks tied together at the ankle for all eternity... for me, it's just unsettling. There is a second commercial, involving people climbing upwards to create trees, that doesn't bother me as much (potentially because they're clearly people and not unexplained Soylent Scenery™). It doesn't appear to bother either Windier or Quivering anywhere near as much. So let's hear from the readers. What do you say for this one- yea or nay?