Thursday, August 6, 2009


Apparently KGB wasn't getting enough business from offering to retrieve the most easily obtained information in the universe for you. How about you text them asking for a random opinion and they just pull something out of their ass?

Man 1: "Look at that joker."
Man 2: "That is so dumb."
Man 1: "Is there any mascot stupider than an aardvark?"
Man 2: "I don't know. Let's KGB it."

Okay, a few things. First of all, stop trying to make "Let's KGB it!" happen. You are not Google. Second of all, isn't KGB pitching itself as some sort of repository of knowledge? I guess "knowing a lot of mascots and picking out a relatively silly one" is knowledge of a sort, but this isn't exactly answering trivia questions, is it?

KGB Woman: "Is there any mascot more stupid than an aardvark?"
KGB Man: "Well, there's the boll weevil from the University of Arkansas at Monticello..."
KGB Woman: "Boll weevil!"

I guess that's stupid. I don't know. What about the banana slug of UC Santa Cruz, or the geoduck of Evergreen State? A much funnier Arkansas-Monticello factoid, for my money, is the fact that the men's teams are the Boll Weevils and the women's teams are the Cotton Blossoms.

Boll weevil: "I'll show you [bleep]ing stupid!" [tackles the aardvark and begins punching him in the junk]

My only guess: the person who wrote this ad went to Arkansas-Monticello.

Man, that was dumb. Is there any ad stupider than that KGB ad?

Answer: yes. This KGB ad:

Woman: "Hello!"
Guy: "How can I tell my girlfriend's bra size?"

Maybe it's me, but if you're comfortable enough to buy lingerie or undergarments for your girlfriend, shouldn't you know her bra size? And, nice gratuitous cleavage shot. Good to know that even shitty text-message informational services are not above selling their product using sex.

Woman [as if speaking her first words since emerging from a coma]: "Maybe, you should ask, someone."
Guy: "Ah! Good idea!"

You could, say, ask your girlfriend. Too obvious?

KGB Man: "I got this one. You take your hands..."
KGB Woman: "Actually, the best way is to compare them to a piece of fruit. Are they apples, oranges, or grapefruits?"

Yeah, whatever. It just needs to be close, right? Am I right, ladies? (Oh, I guess I'm not.) Granted, this guy isn't buying an actual bra, but then why go that way at all? Other than as a cheap excuse to talk about breasts, show close-ups of breasts, and generally try to make the male audience drool over an otherwise boring ad.

Guy: "They are melons."
Woman: "I have those."

Haw. Melons. Am I right, guys?

KGB Man: "How do you like them apples?"
KGB Woman: "Those are grapefruits."
KGB Man: [leers lasciviously]

"Well, whatever they are, you'll be touching them later in my head!" I'm glad KGB is such a relaxed workplace that they can keep a breast reference model around for the 0.05% of questions that involve breast size and general gawking the other 99.95% of the time. Very progressive.


Quivering P. Landmass said...

Another mascot stupider than an aardvark? The corporate mascot of the "KGB agent."

Allan said...

The people who made these ads need to be put out of their misery. And I detest the actors as well. But furthermore, are either of these questions at all illustrative of what their product is supposed to be? The first one is totally subjective, and the second one is patently absurd.

Anonymous said...

Meh. I masturbated anyway. Time for more Catherine Zeta...