Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey

Hey, dummy. Are you too stupid to understand the concept of a computer virus? Well, what if Norton did a dopey, drawn-out commercial that used a nonsensical analogy? Would that help?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Announcer: "Imagine this chicken is your hard drive, and the 80s metal band Dokken is a computer virus."

Was this commercial written by the same manatees who produce the jokes for Family Guy? Dokken? Has anyone even thought about them in the last 20 years? Let's just say I'm not surprised they were available.

Announcer: "Dokken does not like chicken, and wants to destroy it. The chicken, not knowing Dokken's intentions, doesn't really have any feelings either way."

I love that the analogy already runs off the rails here, since computer viruses are ultimately just bits of executable code, and are not capable of liking or disliking things. Also, I would suggest that the worst computer viruses are the ones that look to mine your hard drive for personal data, rather than ones that simply seek to maliciously destroy your data for sport. But whatever makes the most sense. Oh, right - nothing in this ad makes sense.

Announcer: "Now you have a choice. Would you like to allow Dokken to have its way with your chicken, unleashing a wrath the likes of which the chicken has never seen? Or would you like to deny it?"

Uh, Norton doesn't actually have a "Nah, let that virus run rampant" option in its software, right?

[The chicken pulls a knife on Dokken.]
Don Dokken: "Whoa. Take it easy, bro!"

A perfect allegory for the workings of antivirus software. Well, if they'd used Glass Tiger instead it would have been perfect. But this is pretty close.

Don Dokken: "This ain't over."
Announcer: "Protect your chicken from Dokken."

Alternate slogans for this ad campaign:

"Protect your inner tube from Welshmen"

"Protect your self-esteem from pandas"

"Protect your wet-dry vacuum from Annette Funicello"

"Protect your sourdough roll from Halley's Comet"

"Protect your gravy boat from ? and the Mysterians"

"Protect your mason jar from the Caspian Sea"

Sadly, all of these were deemed far too comprehensible to work.


Richard H. said...

Where have I read that Family Guy reference in regards to this ad before? Oh yeah: AdWeek. This borders on plagiarism.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

No one here reads AdWeek, Richard H. The staleness of the jokes and the shoehorned 80's reference made me think of Family Guy, too, even before I read Windier's breakdown.

Why is Norton even advertising on television? Seems like their marketing dollars would be better spent just creating internet ads and the like.

Windier E. Megatons said...

I don't read AdWeek. And in fact when I went there just now just to see how similar the references were (because Family Guy is an obscure little show that two people couldn't possibly think to reference on their own), I couldn't even find anything on this ad, despite (a) searching the site for both "Norton" and "Dokken," (b) looking at the first page in the "News by client" section, and (c) looking in every section under the "creative" heading. So I still haven't seen this thing that supposedly I was ripping off, but good assumption. While I know we haven't posted much lately, do you really think I'm so desperate for content that I'd steal a joke? Especially when I could have left it out just as easily, since it's hardly the keystone of the post?

Richard H. said...

Windier E. Megatons said...

I don't read that blog and I've never seen that post before. In fact, I make it a point not to read advertising blogs in general, in part because I don't want to accidentally absorb someone else's idea and then use it here later (and in part because I don't particularly care what anyone else thinks about ads). It is an amusing coincidence that we not only both used the same reference but also both linked to the same Wikipedia article by way of explanation, but it is just that: coincidence.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to believe Dokken had to stoop to this. I will always love their music from a certain sepia-toned era where hot whore girlfriends were always In my dreams and crossing the line in the circle of fire. Norton, AFAIK, stinks, and no one I know uses it.

Anonymous said...

Ad makes no sense. If the user has to manually choose whether to allow or deny a program where does Norton come in?