Friday, September 24, 2010

You gotta have balls

Balls, everyone. BALLS! Hey, is this the funniest post you've ever read yet? It's not? BALLS. I don't think you understand. Balls.

Voiceover: "Mankind has asked many questions, but few as profound as this."

Why do bad things happen to good people? If God is righteous and all-powerful, why is there evil in the world? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Which is cheaper, using Axe products every day or just getting a tattoo of the word "douchebag" on your forehead once?

Woman: "How can guys clean their balls so that they're more enjoyable to play with?"

Ha-HA! Balls! It means one thing but also another!

Jaime Pressly: "Well, there's finally a tool that can really get the job done: the Axe Detailer."

Or, like, a washcloth? I cannot say I've ever had an experience with ball-grime (sorry) that was so caked on (sorry again) that I would have needed some sort of ball-safe Brillo pad while showering. Also, if I had to guess, most women probably aren't that excited to play with a guy's balls no matter how sparkling clean they are.

Pressly: "This can make any ball sparkly and new."

The fine print here says "Take care when using on sensitive areas." So, it might be a little rough for sensitive areas? Well, it's a good thing you designed it exclusively to be used on the single most sensitive area of the male anatomy.

Pressly: "Go ahead and play with those clean balls, Denese."

Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls.

Woman: "Magical."
Voiceover: "Abracadabra."

This is retarded.

In the online version - which is 2:45 long - Denese juggles the golf balls in her hand for, I shit you not, fifteen straight seconds. Unsurprisingly, there are also oodles more predictable and unfunny ball-themed jokes, some of which were presumably deemed a little "too hot for TV."

I don't know. I mean, is this really a problem? Is this a complaint that a lot of guys have, that it's difficult to clean one's scrotum? Because I can't say I've found it to be an issue - and as such I just look at an ad like this as a bunch of cheap jokes to make teenagers snicker, kind of like the Bud Light ad that they weren't allowed to run during the 2008 Super Bowl because it liked its fart jokes just a little too much. Surely even Axe is not required to play to the absolute lowest common denominator. I'd take the sheer inanity of "Double Pits to Chesty" any day over this mess.


Kerrie T. said...

In answer to your douchebag question: I'd say the tattoo. Great post!

Rev. Maynard Brainard said...


capewood said...

Is it just my imagination or is it only recently that it has been acceptable to say balls on TV? I mean other than during a ballgame? I watched the first episode of $hi! (or however they spell it) My Dad Says (which was terrible by the way) and balls were mentioned in the first minute of the show.

Anonymous said...

What next? Balsamic vinegar?