Saturday, July 5, 2008

Ass-bear-ger's Syndrome

Is Charmin going to make more bad commercials? Does a bear shit in the woods?

Please, Charmin. I'm begging you to stop doing this.

Bear: "Down... set... YIKES!"

First of all, I wish they would decide whether or not the bears' mouths move when they speak. Second of all... the thing that the bear is worried about here is not something that would ever happen to a human. Because we wear pants. And underwear. If I were bending over in front of you to snap a football and you could see pieces of toilet paper sticking to my ass, there would be a much bigger problem going on than that.

Voiceover: "No one likes a bath tissue that leaves little white pieces behind!"

I mean, I guess. It's not really that big of a deal, is it? Oh, apparently it is. So much so that we needed to devote an entire product to the idea.

Voiceover: "Fortunately, there's Charmin Extra Strong!"

That just sounds... problematic. But give that bear a pom-pom! This is very exciting!

Voiceover: "Only Charmin Extra Strong has FlexWeave, uniquely woven fibers with extra strength!"

Wow, Extra Strong Charmin has extra strength? I'm glad you were willing to clear that up. Seriously, buy a fucking thesaurus.

Voiceover: "Extra strength, so when compared to the ultra rippled brand, it holds up better!"

Hey, say "extra strength" again. I'm not able to parse "extra strong" from adjective form into noun form all by myself. Also, I suppose I get the point of this demonstration, but somehow showing a three-pound weight dragging a piece of wet toilet paper across a table doesn't totally sell me on the paper's real use.

Voiceover: "Fewer pieces left behind, plus all the softness you expect from Charmin!"

Is it? Is it really? Or is it like wiping your ass with a paper towel? Because I actually looked at this stuff at the store recently and it looks exactly like a paper towel. And "extra strong" just sounds kind of unpleasant, really.

Voiceover: "Charmin Extra Strong. Look for it in the red package."

This explains a lot. The reason this ad makes a big deal about something that bears should be most concerned about is that this ad is actually aimed at bears. Why else would they assume that the viewer can't read and would need to remember the color of the package? (And yes, bears can see color.) Maybe Lowe's and Charmin could do some kind of cross-promotion. "How do you like your ass, Bill? 'Rawr?' Rubbed raw by extra strong Charmin? Check."

Seriously, how gross are these commercials? I know that it's hard to advertise a product like this, but couldn't they go the Metamucil route and dance around it? Sure, that sucks, but it sucks less than cartoon pieces of cartoon toilet paper on cartoon bears' asses. I think we can all be thankful that, unlike our animal friends, we don't live in a world where the issues revolving around other people's toilet paper problems are on constant public display.


Quivering P. Landmass said...

Gotta love showing functionality unrelated to the purpose of the product. That scene with the 3 lb weights on the TP reminds me of those Maytag commercials where they show tennis balls being smacked against the front of a washer. Like someone would buy an appliance based on how solidly built the exterior was, "Hey, check out that machine withstand balls being hit at it. Who cares how well it washes clothes, let's buy it already!"

It's great that the toilet paper can handle a 3 lb weight, but what about a hand rubbing it hard against something? I'm not asking them to show an actual human rectum, but something more analogous would have been nice.

T said...

I really wish toilet paper ads would go all-out and just tell us how well the product can wipe an ass. "Now with 83% increased wiping efficiency!" Perhaps they could go the paper towel route where to demonstrate the strength of a sheet, they wipe something up, wring it out and wipe something else up just as easily.

Seriously though, butt-comfort enthusiast Cottonelle puppy is light years better than some creepy bears who use toilet paper despite, y'know, being BEARS. Not to mention Cottonelle makes a better product.

Windier E. Megatons said...

I don't think I want to see a toilet paper ad where they use it to wipe something up, wring it out, and then use it again...

Anonymous said...

The primary buyer of these products (women) don't just use it to wipe their butt. And they *do* care about little pieces of paper that remain on their body parts.

Anonymous said...

And hey, some guys use toilet paper for applications where we DO want little pieces of paper remaining on our body parts. As in when we cut ourselves shaving our faces.