"I ran around the store to make sure there was nobody in there."
No! That's not what you do! You greet the bear with, "Hello, welcome to Circuit City." Then you show him where the grills are. Or, computers, in your case. Or circuits. Or whatever.
"My first thing was just 'Freak out.'"
Man, is this the very first bear you've ever sold a piece of electronics to? Sheesh! Everyone knows you remain calm, give him a shopping cart, and attempt to up-sell him on some name-brand merchandise using a lot of stupid bear-related puns.
Then you can freak out. Freak out because you've just dreamed up a totally radical concept for a commercial!!
Is Charmin going to make more bad commercials? Does a bear shit in the woods?
Please, Charmin. I'm begging you to stop doing this.
Bear: "Down... set... YIKES!"
First of all, I wish they would decide whether or not the bears' mouths move when they speak. Second of all... the thing that the bear is worried about here is not something that would ever happen to a human. Because we wear pants. And underwear. If I were bending over in front of you to snap a football and you could see pieces of toilet paper sticking to my ass, there would be a much bigger problem going on than that.
Voiceover: "No one likes a bath tissue that leaves little white pieces behind!"
I mean, I guess. It's not really that big of a deal, is it? Oh, apparently it is. So much so that we needed to devote an entire product to the idea.
Voiceover: "Fortunately, there's Charmin Extra Strong!"
That just sounds... problematic. But give that bear a pom-pom! This is very exciting!
Voiceover: "Only Charmin Extra Strong has FlexWeave, uniquely woven fibers with extra strength!"
Wow, Extra Strong Charmin has extra strength? I'm glad you were willing to clear that up. Seriously, buy a fucking thesaurus.
Voiceover: "Extra strength, so when compared to the ultra rippled brand, it holds up better!"
Hey, say "extra strength" again. I'm not able to parse "extra strong" from adjective form into noun form all by myself. Also, I suppose I get the point of this demonstration, but somehow showing a three-pound weight dragging a piece of wet toilet paper across a table doesn't totally sell me on the paper's real use.
Voiceover: "Fewer pieces left behind, plus all the softness you expect from Charmin!"
Is it? Is it really? Or is it like wiping your ass with a paper towel? Because I actually looked at this stuff at the store recently and it looks exactly like a paper towel. And "extra strong" just sounds kind of unpleasant, really.
Voiceover: "Charmin Extra Strong. Look for it in the red package."
This explains a lot. The reason this ad makes a big deal about something that bears should be most concerned about is that this ad is actually aimed at bears. Why else would they assume that the viewer can't read and would need to remember the color of the package? (And yes, bears can see color.) Maybe Lowe's and Charmin could do some kind of cross-promotion. "How do you like your ass, Bill? 'Rawr?' Rubbed raw by extra strong Charmin? Check."
Seriously, how gross are these commercials? I know that it's hard to advertise a product like this, but couldn't they go the Metamucil route and dance around it? Sure, that sucks, but it sucks less than cartoon pieces of cartoon toilet paper on cartoon bears' asses. I think we can all be thankful that, unlike our animal friends, we don't live in a world where the issues revolving around other people's toilet paper problems are on constant public display.
What do you get when you mix the hilarity of predictable puns with the glitz of low-budget CGI? You end up with a sparkling gem like this (EDIT: The :60 disappeared, so here's the :30 that's not as egregious, but gives you a taste of how bad this commercial truly was. Also, I know now that they used an actual bear on a greenscreen, not CGI. Man, bears are weird looking.):
A grizzly bear walks into a Lowe's
Whoa, is anyone familiar with bear safety? What these folks need to be doing right now is crouching down, avoiding eye contact, and walking away slowly from this enormous wild animal. Grizzlies are the largest land predators on Earth. What the Lowe's people don't need to be doing is trying to sell this thing a grill.
Salesman (to bear): Hello, welcome to Lowe's. Grills? Grills are right over here.
No, you idiot! Get out your bear mace, play dead, and tell everyone else to walk calmly out of the store!
Salesman: Can you say "grilled salmon"? I can.
So now we've gone from selling a bear a grill to making stupid bear puns?
And let me put this out there -- how is it that a bear can walk into a Lowe's and instantly find a sales associate? Every time I've been to a Lowe's, there's like one guy out on the floor, and he's usually selling washers and dryers to somebody with a huge line queuing behind him.
Salesman: I think you're a big eater, am I wrong?
Please eat the salesman, bear. Please. Do us all a favor.
Salesman (imitating bear grunts): Ow.... ow..... outdoor furniture, right this way -- come on.
Oh, why didn't you just eat his face, bear...
I wonder if there is something that is professionally made that is clumsier and more retarded than this hack-tastic segue. And if there is, I don't know that I could even bring myself to blog about it. This is comedy at its most insipid and most demoralizing.
Salesman: Oh, you like this? Go ahead, sniff it.
Please get to the point. We're like 30 seconds into this and we just do not get the concept. What is the objective of putting the stupid bear in this ad?
Salesman: Is there a Mrs. Bear? Because we haven't talked about that. Couple cubs?
Are you hitting on the grizzly bear? Because that's what it sounds like. Is Lowe's a cover for a creepy bestiality ring or something?
I love the "we haven't talk about that" line. Spare me, Lowe's. You do not chummily converse with Lowe's sales associates (assuming you can find one) -- there's like one per store and you're lucky if you get 10 seconds to spit out your question.
Salesman (to bear who's looking at decking wood): Oh, I see you're looking at the Trex. Trex is the way to go. Yeah.
This is the only manufacturer plug in the commercial, and it's for a brand of wood. Do most people insist on trading up to name brand wood? Oh, and, hey sales guy -- any particular reason why Trex is the "way to go"? Remember, this isn't just an absurd 1-minute comedy about a bear buying shit at a store, it's also a commercial -- don't be afraid to sell me on something.
Voiceover: Time to come out of hibernation and head over for all your outdoor living needs.
Finally, we get to the point. It was just a man who was in hibernation! And he was dressed as a bear, or something. Or maybe he actually was a bear and then transformed into a human, like a weird Ovid poem. But, I generally get the idea. Finally.
Anyway, flimsy concept. What Lowe's was trying to say was, "It's Spring! Time to head to Lowe's to buy what you need to spruce up your outdoor space!" Instead, they went with, "It's Spring! You know what's funny? Bears! Here, we spent a bunch of money to poorly animate one walking through our store! Hope you like cornball puns!!"
Bear turned Man (to neighbor who is now a bear): How do you like your steak? (bear growls)Rawr? Oh, rare.
Oh man!Another pun! Everybody wins! That's almost as good as the "Ow...outdoor furniture" one! How do you guys come up with this stuff?!
So, you may not learn a single interesting thing about Lowe's or what they sell from this commercial, but I will give Lowe's this much: they really hit hard on the bear message. Their bear marketing sense is top-fucking-notch. That is a bear no one is soon to forget. What is it, I wonder, about a cheaply-animated bear that makes an ad so... incombearable?
