What if we just grossed everybody out?

You know, it's funny. I went to YouTube to find a new Arby's Roastburger commercial that I thought used some particularly clumsy sex appeal. Instead, I found an Arby's Roastburger commercial that uses some particularly repulsive food appeal. Observe:



The commercial starts off strong -- it's a simple, to-the-point explanation of the new (liberally-named) Arby's "burger" versus the competition's fried burger. That's called "product differentiation," and it's a good way to use your marketing dollars, especially in a competition-clustered industry like QSR. But then at the 15 second mark, Arby's goes awry -- by showing this:


I don't care how good that Roastburger looks in the last couple seconds of the ad, all anybody is going to remember from this commercial is the weird teen noisily slathering the grease from a piece of food into his hair. It's like somebody at Arby's just doesn't understand that showing disgusting shit in your commercial isn't a great way to sell food.

Also, who thinks that Roastburger is really grease-free? Arby's is just a giant grease trap, really -- just walk into one sometime, your clothes won't smell the same the rest of the day. Their potato cakes? Curly fries? Mozzarella sticks? You know, if Arby's employees need to grease themselves up, they don't have to wait until their manager brings in a burger from McDonald's -- they've got plenty of oily crap sitting around.

So, roast beef, bacon, melted cheese, Arby's service staff with a hamburger freshly-rubbed into their coifs... I'm thinking maybe I'm not so hungry after all!

We probably need to discuss this

I assume by now you've already seen this one. Let's talk about it.



Before I'm accused of hating fun again, I should note that this commercial is somewhat funny. The first time or two, anyway; after that it just gets kind of tiresome. But, uh, this is an ad for a kid's meal, right? Someone get Clyde Clemens on the line.

To be fair, most of the song is relatively innocuous considering the source material. And then there's this:

Sir Mix-a-Lot: "Now, Spongebob! I wanna get witcha, 'cause you're makin' me richa!"

The original "Baby Got Back" features Sir Mix-a-Lot rapping about how much an appealingly large ass makes him want to fuck a woman. When he says "Oh, baby, I wanna get witcha," that means he wants to fuck her. Therefore... he wants to fuck Spongebob? This = not good. And then at the end of the ad he declares, "Booty is booty!" Sir Mix-a-Lot, you once said of booty, and I quote, "That butt you got makes me so horny!" I don't even want to know what you're thinking here.

Really, what is with the by now time-honored tradition of taking songs about sex and putting them in really inappropriate contexts? It's not like Sir Mix-a-Lot is famous for anything but this song, and the song is coming up on 20 years old at this point, so Burger King - and no doubt the guys at Crispin Porter, masters of subtlety and class - had to really want to use it. In an ad for a kid's meal. So, what other completely inappropriate songs from my youth can Burger King drag into their next ad?

"Relax, no big deal / When you wanna get a kid's meal / Relax, no big deal / When you wanna sponge"

"Like a kid's meal / Burgers for the very first time / Like a kiiiiid's meal / Got your square pants on my mind"

"I don't want anybody else / When I think of Spongebob I touch myself / Oh oh oh, I don't want anybody else / Kid's meal, kid's meal, kid's meal..."

America shuffles heavily on Dunkin'

Hey! Parents! Are your kids watching too much TV? Get them outside and exercising, am I right? Go have a fun day at the park, toss the frisbee around, whatever! But get the family together for a fun outdoor activity!



Or, stay inside the house eating these frosted tori of fatty, sugary starch! Because that's just good parenting.

Look, Dunkin' Donuts. I'm not offended that you would advertise your product. And I like a good donut now and then. But the concept for this ad just bothers me. Really, that's the best way to get the family together? A box of donuts? That's your magic potion? This is going to be one fat, angry family in ten years.