Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Beer heaven can wait

Unless you're a rowdy drunk in the bleachers at a baseball game, is anyone's idea of heaven a place where the only beer is Miller Lite?

First off, a couple things about the bar itself. I think that having a basketball game playing under your air hockey game would be really distracting. Already this is not seeming very heavenly. Also, the weird reclining chair right at the bar? Beer Heaven needs to hire some better designers.

Announcer: "Only one beer is good enough for Beer Heaven."

"Only one beer - ours, of course - is good enough for a place that only exists inside of an ad that we created to promote that very same beer." This reminds me of those DiSaronno ads where people are inexplicably frequenting bars that stock nothing but amaretto; if you like beer enough that being in "Beer Heaven" is something that might appeal to you, I'm guessing you probably don't like Miller Lite enough for it to be your beer of choice in this eternal bliss. But hey, anything's possible when you make stuff up. Like how Dr. Pepper is the only soft drink served in the legendary city of El Dorado, or how the Purple Grawnaks, an alien race that inhabits a planet in orbit around Betelguese, are suckers for the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Announcer: "Miller Lite - the ultimate light beer."

This may be true, but is it really something worth bragging about? It's kind of like a bag of wet coffee grounds promoting itself as "the ultimate garbage."


Quivering P. Landmass said...

And when this ad fails, Miller Lite will just air the next ad they have in the queue -- and it will be, again, an ad that has no bearing on any that came before it.

That's the joy of beer advertising -- you just do whatever the hell you want do to. If the first thing that pops into your mind is "Hey, what about beer heaven with air hockey on a flatscreen and junk?" then you air it. And then, upon the swift failure of your ad, you just run another one.

Wally MS said...

Clearly the ultimate Beer is Pilsner. Not just any pilsner. Only Pilsner from Pilsner country.
If you understand this and agree, then Fucking eh. Go Riders. To everyone else, go drink your Blue.

Andrew N.P. said...

Wouldn't Beer Heaven, by definition, include every beer ever wrought by man? As things stand, I'm reminded of that one Twilight Zone episode.

"This is the Other Place!"

Windier E. Megatons said...

I was reminded of the old "Got Milk" ad where the asshole businessman gets hit by a bus or whatever, and he ends up in a white room with a big plate of cookies and a voice saying "Welcome to eternity." He assumes he's in heaven until he finds that the giant refrigerator is filled with empty milk cartons, at which point he asks "Wait a minute... where am I?"

"A bar where everyone knows my name, there's an HDTV in the air hockey table, bottles don't break when they fall on the floor... this must be heaven! Bartender, can I get a Guinness?"

"Oh, sorry, Mark. We only have Miller Lite."

"Wait a minute... where am I????"

Anonymous said...

wally. go fuck yourself.

Anonymous said...

now now, no need for expletives.

Anonymous said...

Why isn't anyone commenting on the obvious inuendo of the girl getting down on her knees to pick up the fallen beer bottles? I mean, thats cute and all but isn't it a bit blatent? I least I thought so.