Monday, April 28, 2008

How about we just annoy the hell out of everybody?

Predictable stereotypes... Insipid music... Ham-fisted acting... Poor computer animation. All things we look for in today's TV commercials here at The Ad Wizards. But is there a company out there, you ask, with the vision and the fortitude to combine all of these qualities and distill them into one 30-second uber-commercial? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Dr Pepper...

Setting: A colorless college lecture hall.

OMG, school=teh gay. How BORING is class, right?! You nailed it, Dr Pepper! School is beyond dull. I can't believe no one's ever capitalized on this sentiment before.

Professor: Today we'll explore multiple personalities.

Prepare yourselves for a pretense so flimsy and delicate, Dr Pepper had to buy out Flavor Flav to make it work.

(a dude pops open can of Dr Pepper) (can comes alive through shitty CGI and begins to sing) Yeeeeaaa boi! You know I'm flava-flava-licious, explore my flavor before you miss it!

I like how the stoner character's head perks up from a sleeping state when the can starts singing. Didn't class just start? Oh right, I forgot it was school -- it's just that boring without Dr Pepper.

If the commercial ended here, with this embarrassing bit of corporate rap laid down by an animated pop can, it would be bad enough. But, no, they had to delve deeper into this "multiple personality" concept...

(can now starts singing about flavors in cheesy Mexican-style pop music) (then can sings in a toned-down metal band style about flavors) (the Professor dances) (a nerdy girl gives the can a devil horn sign)

Please stop. Please, please stop, Dr Pepper. Don't ever record music for your commercials again. It's soooooo bad. It's soooooooooooooo bad. And it's definitely not "so bad it's good" -- it's just flat out, unmitigated, no-holds-barred, lay-it-all-on-the-line donkey ass.

And is there a hackier scene in the history of cinema than "the curmudgeony old guy dances to loud music" or "the nerdy girl secretly shows her wild side"? It's not that I demand originality in each and every ad, it's just -- if you're going to use old material, can you at least execute it well?

23 Flavors, more to explore

Here's where they bring it all together. These "multiple personalities" (sorry for the fancy terminology, I hope I didn't put any Psychology 101 students to sleep right there!) are, in fact, the different flavors of Dr Pepper. Take one sip, and it tastes like Flavor Flav's rap music (whatever that would taste like)! Take another, and it's like having a mariachi band in your mouth! Take another -- hey, it's Fred Durst -- mmmmm... tangy!

Who experiences Dr Pepper like this, with this odd form of synesthesia? I'll acknowledge that it's definitely a unique flavor, and difficult to describe. But every sip tastes about the same to me, as long as I'm not on PCP at the time or something. So they claim to have "23 Flavors" -- problem is, no one knows what the hell those 23 flavors are. Wouldn't those flavors combine to form a relatively stable overall taste throughout the Dr Pepper drinking process?

This commercial is just an insane mash-up of little annoyances. Bad music, bad acting, bad concept, bad everything. But I am left wondering what, exactly, would Flavor Flav's music taste like? Maybe a little cherry mixed with some clove, a hint of dandelion, and an over-sized clock necklace aftertaste.

1 comment:

Windier E. Megatons said...

I think Flavor Flav's music would taste like crab juice, if you get me.