Thursday, November 22, 2007


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I know that SkyMall posts are kind of Quivering's thing, but he's not the only one who gets on a plane from time to time. And SkyMall posts are so easy - there's fish in a barrel, and then there's frozen fish fillets that you get at the supermarket, take into your backyard, allow to defrost, then drop on the ground and blast with a shotgun. That's SkyMall.

Jesus, finally. You know how many times I've been setting up a puppet show and thinking, "This bulky wooden theater requires too large a dedicated space and definitely too extensive a setup?" Put it this way: if I had a nickel for every time that happened, I'd have something on the order of zero nickels. But those days are history thanks to this incredibly useful product, which in no way appeals to only ten people on the entire planet. I love how they open with "This is the puppet theater that fits into a doorway as small as 28" in seconds." The puppet theater. "Oh yeah, I heard about that! It was the lead story on the news last week - someone finally invented a puppet theater that fits into a doorway as small as 28" in seconds! And this is the puppet theater they were talking about! I can't believe SkyMall got the rights to it!"

I guess I would believe that children will find a way to spill onto just about anything, but the placement of this forkful of spaghetti and meatballs really has me wondering. Wasn't the kid sitting on the chair? How on earth did that food end up in a location that should have been, I don't know, directly underneath the kid's butt?

Mom: Gosh, it only just occurred to me, Paul - we could probably save a lot of messes if we actually allowed the kids to sit on the chairs, rather than eating their dinner while standing over them.
Dad: No need, Diane. I got these 12-dollar pieces of plastic from SkyMall. We're eating just how we always eat.
Mom: Oh, Paul! I love you!

I'm pretty sure that "no need to leave your case of wine behind when traveling" refers to people who buy wine while on trips and have a hard time getting it home, but I think it's a lot funnier - since it's not especially clear - to read it the other way.

Businessman 1: If you think I'm going on this business trip without my twelve bottles of wine, you're crazy.
Businessman 2: Wait, Jim! Check out this SkyMall catalog!
Businessman 1: Well, it's about time someone met my embarrassing, drunken needs! San Diego Airport Hilton, here we come!

There is a serious problem with the scale in this picture. If the machine is actually next to the pile of what I'm taking to be regular-sized donuts at the left, then the mini-donuts at the right are probably about the size of a fingernail. You're going to sell these?

Kid: Mister! Mister! Want to support my basketball team by buying this Ziploc bag full of donuts?
Man: You mean those twelve tiny donuts that are each about the size of a dime? Uh, okay, how much?
Kid: Four dollars. ... Hey, where are you going?

This one kills me, because it's been in the SkyMall catalog for years and either no one has noticed the mistake or they just refuse to admit it's wrong.

Jackson apostrophe S. That's right. Apostrophe S. No! That is not how it works! Multiple Jacksons live at 1735 Highland Blvd, clearly. Either you want just The Jacksons, or to indicate possession you want The Jacksons'. The Jackson's doesn't mean anything unless one person lives there and his name is The Jackson. Which I really doubt. And it's not like SkyMall just hasn't changed the picture - I saw one of these signs in real life a few weeks ago and it had the misplaced apostrophe just like in the picture. Ye gods. Spellcheck is sending this country's grammar to hell in a handbasket.

Infomercial Straight Man: I love cats, but they're so much work. Can't I get all the benefits of owning a cat - food and veterinary expenses, nasty litterbox smells, hair all over the furniture - without any of the hassle of playing with one?
Infomercial Pitch Man: Now you can, with the revolutionary Safe Laser Beam Toy! It'll keep your cat busy playing for hours, freeing you to do other things until the next time you have to bend over and scoop his shit into a bag.
Infomercial Straight Man: Finally, a product that works for me! [gives camera a thumbs-up]

1 comment:

Quivering P. Landmass said...

I think there's one Jackson who lives there and he owns "Highland Blvd."

I'm flying back on Sunday, and you better believe I'll be checking out crisp, new SkyMall.