Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Thrice

More traveling..... reading SkyMall again.... fish in a barrel... blah, blah, blah.... let's get to work:

SkyMall.... solutions
This is on the upper right of every fourth page or so throughout the catalog. Are these offerings, in fact, "solutions"? And, if so, solutions to which everyday problems and/or needs? Email me your answers in essay form after you've read the post.

Reason #1 why Will Shortz should not go into interior design:

The World's Largest Crossword Puzzle. Holding a Guinness record for its size, this crossword hangs on a full 7' by 7' of wall space and has 28,000 clues for over 91,000 squares.

It looks like something Rain Man would make in quilting class.

It's a challenge that can take months, even up to a year, to complete.

Who doesn't enjoy a leisurely, year-long puzzle?

For the lone wordsmith, it folds for lap or tabletop solving.

Man #1: Hey dude, whatcha working on?

Man #2: 91,000-square crossword puzzle.

Man #1: (backs away slowly)

Crossword can be taped or tacked to the wall.

Crossword can also be crumpled, spat on, set fire to, and heaved into dumpster.

Remember how you always wanted your home to have that "dusty, decrepit old library" feel?

Wooden CD Cabinet reminiscent of your library's old card catalog. Remember those big wooden card catalogs in your local library, where you searched for books before computers came on the scene?

Yes! I totally remember that! Those were so awesome. I remember thumbing through old index cards, trying to navigate the Dewey decimal system and taking minutes and minutes to find what I was looking for. Now it takes milliseconds with the internet. What a fantastic memory you just brought back! And now I can have that same outmoded symbol of bureaucracy right in my own home.

This sturdy cabinet has that same high-quality appearance, but you'll find your CDs inside, not index cards!

Take that, card catalog! We've repurposed your homely design to store our modern technologies. Are you insulted yet? We've also added a "hand-rubbed espresso finish" - whatever that means. But it involves espresso! Which you probably never heard of because you're from the medieval ages!

Holds up to 88 VHSs

"Our new replica Ticker Tape Machine provides storage for up to 74 8-Tracks!"

This holiday season, get Junior the toy gun that best captures his favorite bodily function:

The Classic Ball-Shooting "Burp" Gun. This toy gun uses the same patented design as the classic toy that entertained children in the 1950s.

I have never heard my parents talking about this gun before. I guess it's classic. I love that they patented it. "Quick! Call the lawyers! Before someone else invents a burp gun!"

Because the air gun is powered by pump action instead of batteries, it provides uninterrupted play.

Parents, rejoice! Save money on batteries! Also, prepare for 4 hours of non-stop belching noises.

Wanted: Wire-haired dachshund for awkward, undignified photo shoot.

The Pet Ramp and Staircase.

Gee, Rover looks so relaxed in that picture. Looks like climbing up on the bed is about to become a breeze!

From the "Seriously, don't wear that in public" section of SkyMall:

The iWear AV920 is the newest mobile video eyewear from Vuzix - formerly Icuiti. Featuring a virtual 62" big-screen and weighing just 2.9 oz, iWear allows for a comforable viewing experience for up to 5 hours.

It's about time somebody capitalized on the hot fashion trend started 20 years ago by LeVar Burton. Those glasses are hip! So hip, in fact, that you can wear them just walking around, hair blown back, backpack casually slung over one shoulder, not a care in the world as to whatever you may be walking into. Hard to imagine 62" of screen being represented while wearing these glasses. Then again, it's hard to imagine anyone actually putting these on unironically.

Does anybody really know what time it is? Not in any house where this clock appears:

The Color Pattern Clock. ... Counting the colored squares in each of the four separate sections reveals the time (12:45 is shown.)

SkyMall Employee #1: Hey, what time is it?

SkyMall Employee #2: It's 5 red dots and 4 blue dots past the 2 green dots!

SkyMall Employee #1: Oh, thanks! (kills self)

Hey, I just had an idea for a new watch. As each minute elapses, a new calculus problem appears on the digital screen. You have 60 seconds to calculate the derivative of y by writing y as an explicit function of x. The result will give you a very near approximation of the correct time. Available in black, red and biscuit.

And finally..... I love that SkyMall says this is "Exclusive":

Improvements! Quick & Clever Problem Solvers!

Holy family Nativity scene

What, exactly, are you implying, SkyMall?!


Anonymous said...

Nothing beats Skymall. Nothing. It's just so many horrible and funny products that it serves as one source of entertainment on a plane. I especially appreciate when they tell you that you can take the magazine. I was planning on stealing it, but now I don't want it anymore. More skymall posts!


Tyler said...

One would think that play with the Burp Gun would eventually be interrupted when it ran out of ping pong balls.

Also, nice to see they've improved on the old "pet stairs on the side of the couch" model. Technology at work!

c12h22o11 said...

This was great. Noisy laughter great.