Saturday, September 22, 2007

Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Second

More travel recently, which means more time spent thumbing through my favorite source of utter nonsense -- SkyMall. I know this is basically fish in a barrel, but I can't resist delving into some of the more unforgivably stupid offerings in this catalog.

What matter of man are you if you don't own a Chair Valet?

Every gentleman deserves a personal Valet at his service...this one even offers a Chair!

Offers a chair? It is a chair. In fact, that's basically all it is.

Unique valet includes a 16.5" x 16" padded leather chair you can sit on while putting socks and shoes on!

Finally! Someone invents a chair I can sit on. I've been doing hand-stands on my chairs for far too long. And are you telling me I no longer need to put socks and shoes on while levitating? Sold!

Tie, belt or suspenders hang at the sides on two extendable posts.

Sweet. I do enjoy transferring accessories that are already hanging in my closet somewhere else where I can rehang them.

Includes a 4.5"-deep drawer beneath the seat for additional storage.

Can I puke into the drawer, too, when I realize how insane this chair is that I just bought?

Please specify light walnut or dark mahogany finish.

There is no way anyone buying this could possibly care about matching wood shades.


Hahahaha. Good Lord.

Under most circumstances, I would respect a product called the Hot Diggity Dogger. Shows a sense of humor. This, however, is going a bit too far...

Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker

Hey, sometimes a pop-up hot dog cooker is just a pop-up hot dog cooker.

Simply drop hot dogs in the center basket, and the buns in the two warming chambers

Gee, that does sound simple. Also, delicious.

on either side: the 660-watt heating coil has time settings so you can heat to your taste preference.

My taste prefernce is usually "cooked." I know there are roughly 14,560 wrong things with this "unique kitchen appliance" (appliance!?), but is anyone else completely skeeved by the fact that a toaster is cooking both a meat tube and a bread product together? Also, you better be a ballpark concessionaire or be some kind of teenage hot dog-hoarding ogre in order to make this product worth the $50.

Somewhere, Auguste Rodin is weeping...

Thinking Out of the Box

Isn't the phrase "thinking outside the box"?

Only those who see the invisible can do the impossible.

You know what makes me brainstorm my best ideas? Hackneyed, fortune cookie-quality aphorisms. The only reason I called this product out specifically is -- look at that thing! That is one of the most poorly-rendered ... anything... I've ever seen. I could have created a better likeness of The Thinker with a coat hanger and a refrigerator magnet.

Finally, let's bring it on home with some myopic motivational bullshit...

Determination (Grand Slam)

Ahh yeah... a picture of a hitter putting some serious wood on that ball. "Outta here!" Hah ha -- yes! Just one thing, though -- what if you're a pitcher?

Next post I promise to take an especially bad, big budget television commercial to task.


Windier E. Megatons said...

That "Chair Valet" is almost offensively stupid. Couldn't you hang stuff on the back of any normal chair? The only thing that seems to set it apart is the ability to put your feet up while tying shoes, but I'm not sure that's worth almost 200 bucks when you could just stack a couple phone books or, alternately, just bend over incrementally further.

Tyler said...

I eagerly await your take on Basho, SkyMall's giant decorative sumo wrestler statue.