If there's one thing DirecTV knows, it's how to sell television services. And that way is... clips of movies from the mid-80s.
This commercial is useless. It contains one legitimate piece of information in a 30-second span. Even worse, that piece of information is something that doesn't even exist yet!
Doc Brown: "Great Scott! I forgot to tell Marty when he gets back to the future, he needs to get DirecTV HD!"
The "future" in Back to the Future is 1985, so this would be a pretty impressive feat on Marty's part. I also like the way Doc works in the movie's title (just in case you're one of the five people who hasn't seen it), not to mention the way that Doc goes from 1985 Christopher Lloyd to 2007 Christopher Lloyd and DirecTV apparently thinks we won't notice. Hopefully they don't run this commercial on any HD channels, lest viewers get caught up in endless liver-spot counting games.
Doc: "They already have all the best channels..."
Does this mean anything? No. It means nothing. Are there cable systems that don't have "the best channels," even in HD? Also, I'm still not convinced we're at the point where there are enough HDTV channels to justify spending thousands on an actual set, unless you're one of those gotta-have-it early adopters.
Doc: "...and soon they'll have three times more HD capacity than cable!"
So, uh, when is that going to be exactly? Oh. Soon. Well, that clears it all up.
Would you like to know an advantage of cable? Everyone can get it. DirecTV, on the other hand, doesn't work in some places because of the satellite signal (although estimates vary rather widely on how many households are incapable of getting it). But when you have a 20 percent share of the multichannel market like DirecTV, I guess you have to resort to... um... ads that talk up something you will eventually have.
Doc: "It's impossible? Ha! That's what they said about my flux capacitor!"
I'm not sure, but I don't know if you want to be comparing your high-tech gadgetry to time travel. Maybe you could have worked in, I don't know, another actual claim about your product, rather than pointing out how claiming more HD channels is impossible is akin to claiming time machines are impossible. Especially since that second part? Totally accurate. Although who knows, we might have time machines soon.
Announcer who sounds oddly pleased with himself: "For a future of 150 HD channels, get DirecTV."
Awesome! Too bad we have no idea when DirecTV will have all those channels. Nor do I think DirecTV can be sure that cable won't also be increasing its HD capacity in the near future - am I really supposed to believe that there will be 100 DirecTV-only HD channels? DirecTV has 16.2 million subscribers, which is certainly a robust number but dwarfed by the 60 million households with regular cable. And yet, there will be 150 HD channels on DirecTV and 50 on cable? Who is going to be producing these 100 channels? The math makes no sense. Are 80 of the 100 going to be HD closeups of fish tanks?
The dumbest thing about this series of ads is that most of them feature scenes pulled out of movies; I think I've seen four movie-derived ones and two TV-derived ones - and even then, one of the TV-based spots featured a show that's been off the air for years (Baywatch). Because what's more awesome than watching 20-year-old movies on cable? Watching 20-year-old movies on satellite, bitches! DirecTV! More movies you already own on DVD anyway than cable!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Multimedia presentation
We focus primarily on television advertising here, and rightly so. However, print and radio ads (the latter in particular) can sometimes be even more abhorrent; they're just harder to reproduce. In this case, however, I happened to be driving through Ohio and noticed this sign outside the men's room at a rest area.
It may be hard to read that smaller text, but basically it's using the larger words to make full sentences, like "you JUST have to see it to believe it." Whatever. Kind of a lame device, but not what makes this stupid.
Let me reiterate: this was outside the men's room. "Can you just hold it for 30 more minutes?" Um, why is that necessary? I'm about to walk into the men's room. I'm pretty sure the family can wait 30 seconds before we decide to randomly interrupt our scheduled trip to stop off at a waterpark. Who is this ad marketing to? Are there people who drive around with their swim trunks on in case they should happen to find themselves in waterpark country? Don't you sort of have to want to go to one in the first place? Also, take very careful note of the message: "Hold your urine for 30 more minutes, until you arrive at our waterpark!" Can't spell "waterpark" without "p," can you?
I don't know. Am I expecting too much out of a waterpark that names itself after one of the world's largest deserts?
It may be hard to read that smaller text, but basically it's using the larger words to make full sentences, like "you JUST have to see it to believe it." Whatever. Kind of a lame device, but not what makes this stupid.
Let me reiterate: this was outside the men's room. "Can you just hold it for 30 more minutes?" Um, why is that necessary? I'm about to walk into the men's room. I'm pretty sure the family can wait 30 seconds before we decide to randomly interrupt our scheduled trip to stop off at a waterpark. Who is this ad marketing to? Are there people who drive around with their swim trunks on in case they should happen to find themselves in waterpark country? Don't you sort of have to want to go to one in the first place? Also, take very careful note of the message: "Hold your urine for 30 more minutes, until you arrive at our waterpark!" Can't spell "waterpark" without "p," can you?
I don't know. Am I expecting too much out of a waterpark that names itself after one of the world's largest deserts?
Periodic Fable
If you're going to make up something and pretend it's vaguely scientific, you might at least want to consult with someone who passed ninth-grade chemistry class:
The Human Element. Okay, I get the concept, the "human element" is something you should take into consideration when evaluating things, especially business. But the Human Element, in this commercial, is shown as the 8th element in the periodic table. Now, as any high schooler who's ever glanced up at the chalkboard during science class will tell you, the 8th element is oxygen. Not Humanium, or whatever. It's funny because they're obviously aware of the existence of oxygen, since they mention in the ad that water is "hydrogen bonding with oxygen." And yet they refuse to look at a periodic table. How sloppy is this concept?
The rest of this commercial is just a litany of elements, without saying anything about Dow or what it is or what it sells. Can I stop by my local Dow retailer on my way home from work? Could I pick up a couple of cans of Dow at the grocery store this weekend? What the hell is this company?
Dow Chemical is a company that manufactures plastics and performance chemicals and the like (by the way, Dow.com shows the fictional element "Hu" as element 52 - this is also wrong, the 52nd element is Tellurium [Te].) Why do behind-the-scenes companies like Dow bother spending the money to advertise? And advertise so ineffectively? Do you see commercial spots for Procter & Gamble? No, you see commercials for the crap they make - Tide, Charmin, Pringles.
Show me a commercial for one of your products, Dow - maybe I would watch it. What I won't watch? Poorly-conceived, vaguely-smart-sounding-but-ultimately-stupid ads for a company a consumer has no relationship with.
By the way, Dow, element 119 (not yet actually discovered), needs a permanent name. You could have the first-ever corporate-sponsored element. And luckily, "Hu" isn't taken yet! Get on it!
The Human Element. Okay, I get the concept, the "human element" is something you should take into consideration when evaluating things, especially business. But the Human Element, in this commercial, is shown as the 8th element in the periodic table. Now, as any high schooler who's ever glanced up at the chalkboard during science class will tell you, the 8th element is oxygen. Not Humanium, or whatever. It's funny because they're obviously aware of the existence of oxygen, since they mention in the ad that water is "hydrogen bonding with oxygen." And yet they refuse to look at a periodic table. How sloppy is this concept?
The rest of this commercial is just a litany of elements, without saying anything about Dow or what it is or what it sells. Can I stop by my local Dow retailer on my way home from work? Could I pick up a couple of cans of Dow at the grocery store this weekend? What the hell is this company?
Dow Chemical is a company that manufactures plastics and performance chemicals and the like (by the way, Dow.com shows the fictional element "Hu" as element 52 - this is also wrong, the 52nd element is Tellurium [Te].) Why do behind-the-scenes companies like Dow bother spending the money to advertise? And advertise so ineffectively? Do you see commercial spots for Procter & Gamble? No, you see commercials for the crap they make - Tide, Charmin, Pringles.
Show me a commercial for one of your products, Dow - maybe I would watch it. What I won't watch? Poorly-conceived, vaguely-smart-sounding-but-ultimately-stupid ads for a company a consumer has no relationship with.
By the way, Dow, element 119 (not yet actually discovered), needs a permanent name. You could have the first-ever corporate-sponsored element. And luckily, "Hu" isn't taken yet! Get on it!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Shopping Mall Cowboys
Your typical diamond commercial usually pressures men into buying jewelry for sexual benefit, best illustrated in cartoon form here. Zales' Valentine's Day spot from last year takes a different, more indirect approach:
Are these guys supposed to be men's men? Because that is the weakest, most delicate-sounding high five ever caught on tape. Consider this: these guys are high fiving each other because they saw the other one carrying a tiny black plastic bag. I guess the first guy was thinking, "Dude, that guy totally got his wife something at Zales, too! What should I do? Kiss him right on the face? Nah, a little too obvious. Maybe I'll give him just a vaguely homoerotic wave, then slap him some skin in front of a crowded mall for apparently no reason."
I also love when retailers make an ad that tries to sell just one particular product, in this case the relatively tacky Diamond Heart Pendant. Basically what this commercial is trying to say is:
"Have no idea what to get your lady friend for Valentine's Day? Want to spend a lot of money without having to think about stuff? Get something with a lot of shitty-quality diamonds that's shaped like a heart. Hearts mean you love her!"
I mean, yeah, it's diamonds, but it's $200 worth of diamonds. Who would buy something like that? A rugged, stubbly, high-fivin', mini-bag-carryin' manly man, that's who.
"Zales - Yee-haw."
Are these guys supposed to be men's men? Because that is the weakest, most delicate-sounding high five ever caught on tape. Consider this: these guys are high fiving each other because they saw the other one carrying a tiny black plastic bag. I guess the first guy was thinking, "Dude, that guy totally got his wife something at Zales, too! What should I do? Kiss him right on the face? Nah, a little too obvious. Maybe I'll give him just a vaguely homoerotic wave, then slap him some skin in front of a crowded mall for apparently no reason."
I also love when retailers make an ad that tries to sell just one particular product, in this case the relatively tacky Diamond Heart Pendant. Basically what this commercial is trying to say is:
"Have no idea what to get your lady friend for Valentine's Day? Want to spend a lot of money without having to think about stuff? Get something with a lot of shitty-quality diamonds that's shaped like a heart. Hearts mean you love her!"
I mean, yeah, it's diamonds, but it's $200 worth of diamonds. Who would buy something like that? A rugged, stubbly, high-fivin', mini-bag-carryin' manly man, that's who.
"Zales - Yee-haw."
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Having trouble sleeping?
Why don't you watch a non-profit/educational financial services ad?
This commercial is so unremittingly boring, it makes you wonder if TIAA-CREF forgot they were shooting a non-profit/educational financial services ad. That's some yawn-inducing subject matter -- spice it up a little! First order of business would be picking a song that isn't in a comatose tempo. Alternatively, use the same song ("Somewhere" by Bernstein/Sondheim), but pick a version of it that isn't mind-numbingly dull.
There isn't much else to interest the viewer. Visually, this is a wasteland. Here are the scenes depicted in the commercial:
Slow motion shot of a man clutching a sample of something in storage area
Slow motion shot of a woman painting stage scenery
Slow motion shot of a man tuning a piano
Slow motion shot of a man teaching students in a dimly-lit lecture hall
Why are all these filmed in slow motion? Is it supposed to be like "Check out these heroes"? These four people look like they're just praying for retirement, "Please make the piano tuning stop.... I can barely move my back, and my ears throb with poorly-done West Side Story covers every night." They all look sad and pained. Combined with the monotone, verbose voiceover, it really is a forgettable commercial.
But just when you were about to drift off, the tagline:
Financial Services for the Greater Good
Really? You're going with "the greater good"? TIAA-CREF is a massive company, with $406 billion in assets. That's "billion" as in "fucking billion." Does $406 billion sound "greater good"-y to you? Is the "greater good" really their mission? Or is it just their client base they use to make money? If they were truly about the "greater good," why were they picketed in 2005? Why would they pay their CEO a significant chunk of that $406 billion? Maybe it's not so much the general "greater good" as it is the company's "greater good."
It's bad enough TIAA-CREF had to run such a genuinely bad series of ads, but to make a bad and disingenuous series of ads? Well, that's just wrong. And that's why this site is here.
This commercial is so unremittingly boring, it makes you wonder if TIAA-CREF forgot they were shooting a non-profit/educational financial services ad. That's some yawn-inducing subject matter -- spice it up a little! First order of business would be picking a song that isn't in a comatose tempo. Alternatively, use the same song ("Somewhere" by Bernstein/Sondheim), but pick a version of it that isn't mind-numbingly dull.
There isn't much else to interest the viewer. Visually, this is a wasteland. Here are the scenes depicted in the commercial:
Slow motion shot of a man clutching a sample of something in storage area
Slow motion shot of a woman painting stage scenery
Slow motion shot of a man tuning a piano
Slow motion shot of a man teaching students in a dimly-lit lecture hall
Why are all these filmed in slow motion? Is it supposed to be like "Check out these heroes"? These four people look like they're just praying for retirement, "Please make the piano tuning stop.... I can barely move my back, and my ears throb with poorly-done West Side Story covers every night." They all look sad and pained. Combined with the monotone, verbose voiceover, it really is a forgettable commercial.
But just when you were about to drift off, the tagline:
Financial Services for the Greater Good
Really? You're going with "the greater good"? TIAA-CREF is a massive company, with $406 billion in assets. That's "billion" as in "fucking billion." Does $406 billion sound "greater good"-y to you? Is the "greater good" really their mission? Or is it just their client base they use to make money? If they were truly about the "greater good," why were they picketed in 2005? Why would they pay their CEO a significant chunk of that $406 billion? Maybe it's not so much the general "greater good" as it is the company's "greater good."
It's bad enough TIAA-CREF had to run such a genuinely bad series of ads, but to make a bad and disingenuous series of ads? Well, that's just wrong. And that's why this site is here.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Dance, Dance Revulsion
So you want some crazy dancing in your commercial. Understandable. That concept worked out pretty well for Apple. But is there a limit to how crazy the dancing can get? That question is answered by Intel's ad for their new computer processors:
Yes. That dancing is too crazy. It borders on laughable. The first dancer looks like Eminem on meth -- why do you want a guy who looks like that in your commercial? But I'd like to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe in real life this guy doesn't totally suck. Maybe it's the fault of the commercial environment - the client, the director, the agency guys. Here's how I like to think the scene went down during the shooting of the commercial:
Director: Okay, cue the music. Dancer #1, let's go! Wait, fix your collar. Okay, now do some Hokey Pokey. Great! All right, now pull yourself through the picture. Yes! Just like that. Okay, give me a half Shoulder Shrug. Nice. Do something spazzy with your arms - perfect. Pull yourself through the pict - wait! No, you just did that. How about a Duck Tilt. Yes! Now bring it home with a Full Elvis. And cut.
Ok, bring out the K-Fed lookalike. Sweet hat, dude. Okay, let's see what you got. Cue the music again! Nice entrance. Okay, give me some Ray Charles. That's it, play that piano! Do some Thriller Dance, don't make it too obvious, though. Bingo. Okay, now finish it off with an extended Don Knotts. Nice... walk it, baby! Walk straight on through Mayberry! Annnnddd cut! We got it - wrap!!
Amazingly, Intel extended this concept into a full campaign. You can view the other components here and here. If you don't want to waste a minute of your life, I'll just describe them for you in one sentence fragment: Same eurotrash-style music, different freaky dance moves.
What's the lesson? Don't copy ideas from other ads unless you can execute a variation with the same level of excellence. Intel just comes off looking cheap, like they can't come up with their own advertising concepts. Oh, and Intel? Don't expect Apple to invite you to their next rave in Cupertino - they know how to move on a dance floor over there.
Yes. That dancing is too crazy. It borders on laughable. The first dancer looks like Eminem on meth -- why do you want a guy who looks like that in your commercial? But I'd like to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe in real life this guy doesn't totally suck. Maybe it's the fault of the commercial environment - the client, the director, the agency guys. Here's how I like to think the scene went down during the shooting of the commercial:
Director: Okay, cue the music. Dancer #1, let's go! Wait, fix your collar. Okay, now do some Hokey Pokey. Great! All right, now pull yourself through the picture. Yes! Just like that. Okay, give me a half Shoulder Shrug. Nice. Do something spazzy with your arms - perfect. Pull yourself through the pict - wait! No, you just did that. How about a Duck Tilt. Yes! Now bring it home with a Full Elvis. And cut.
Ok, bring out the K-Fed lookalike. Sweet hat, dude. Okay, let's see what you got. Cue the music again! Nice entrance. Okay, give me some Ray Charles. That's it, play that piano! Do some Thriller Dance, don't make it too obvious, though. Bingo. Okay, now finish it off with an extended Don Knotts. Nice... walk it, baby! Walk straight on through Mayberry! Annnnddd cut! We got it - wrap!!
Amazingly, Intel extended this concept into a full campaign. You can view the other components here and here. If you don't want to waste a minute of your life, I'll just describe them for you in one sentence fragment: Same eurotrash-style music, different freaky dance moves.
What's the lesson? Don't copy ideas from other ads unless you can execute a variation with the same level of excellence. Intel just comes off looking cheap, like they can't come up with their own advertising concepts. Oh, and Intel? Don't expect Apple to invite you to their next rave in Cupertino - they know how to move on a dance floor over there.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Look on my workout, ye mighty, and despair
Anyone who ever had to see this ad while innocently attempting to enjoy television, I'm sorry:
It would take a long time to point out everything that's infuriating about this commercial. I want to hit on some key points, though. Firstly, why is this guy my "bud"?
Workout Guy: Hey bud! I just got the new Fall Out Boy song on my VCast phone. It gets me pumped!
Dude, you are not my "bud." What if a girl is watching? Is she your bud? Also, look at this guy's shirt. This is a national ad, so why does he need to have streaky sweat stains all over himself? Sure, he's at a gym, but since when do commercials start showing reality?
Workout Guy: (puts headphones on camera so we can listen to song)
Oh, man, nasty! Those are so sweaty-ass headphones that have your ear wax all over them! Get those the hell away from me. And turn it the hell down!
The ad then plays "This ain't a scene, it's an arms race" by Fall Out Boy for less than 8 seconds. How is an 8 second clip from the middle of a random song going to sell me on anything? And is this an ad for the Fall Out Boy album, or for Verizon?
Informal poll: What's your favorite of this guy's white boy dance moves?
A. The Durst Arm Flap
B. The Finger Twirl (aka The Richard Simmons)
C. Emphatic Finger Point (world premiere of this move)
D. Baboon Bicep Strain
Workout Guy: (takes call, smirks) It's my lady.
Okay, hold it. Stop advertising, everybody. We all need to hold off for just a moment here and catch our breath. Listen up: first thing's first -- we need to find the copywriter who wrote this line. The punishment must be swift and merciless. Next, we need to learn our lesson. We need to take a stand. We need to tell the country that we won't let this kind of hacky, half-assed dialog on the airwaves ever again. Ever. You know it's awful. You know it makes people cringe. You know only 7-year old girls would giggle about it, and you know they aren't in the cell phone market. Just make sure this is the only time this ever happens. Now, you may resume making mediocre advertising.
The payoff joke is, apparently, the guy in the background dropping the weight because Workout Guy, who had been spotting him, leaves to take a call. This is unacceptably unfunny. When you create a massive choad like Workout Guy, you need to make fun of him more than this. You need to explain to people that you're displaying this kind of behavior as ironic, humorous, or whatever. You need to work much, much harder. You owe it to TV viewers, and you owe it to your marketing budget.
This commercial is a new low, Verizon. Go sit in the corner.
Side note: Workout Guy is played by Silas Gaither, of Survivor: Africa non-fame. He placed twelfth and is currently working as a bartender in LA, according to Survivor Wiki. In his spare time he enjoys spotting buds at the gym, looking sweaty, and making people reevaluate their perception of contemporary American media.
It would take a long time to point out everything that's infuriating about this commercial. I want to hit on some key points, though. Firstly, why is this guy my "bud"?
Workout Guy: Hey bud! I just got the new Fall Out Boy song on my VCast phone. It gets me pumped!
Dude, you are not my "bud." What if a girl is watching? Is she your bud? Also, look at this guy's shirt. This is a national ad, so why does he need to have streaky sweat stains all over himself? Sure, he's at a gym, but since when do commercials start showing reality?
Workout Guy: (puts headphones on camera so we can listen to song)
Oh, man, nasty! Those are so sweaty-ass headphones that have your ear wax all over them! Get those the hell away from me. And turn it the hell down!
The ad then plays "This ain't a scene, it's an arms race" by Fall Out Boy for less than 8 seconds. How is an 8 second clip from the middle of a random song going to sell me on anything? And is this an ad for the Fall Out Boy album, or for Verizon?
Informal poll: What's your favorite of this guy's white boy dance moves?
A. The Durst Arm Flap
B. The Finger Twirl (aka The Richard Simmons)
C. Emphatic Finger Point (world premiere of this move)
D. Baboon Bicep Strain
Workout Guy: (takes call, smirks) It's my lady.
Okay, hold it. Stop advertising, everybody. We all need to hold off for just a moment here and catch our breath. Listen up: first thing's first -- we need to find the copywriter who wrote this line. The punishment must be swift and merciless. Next, we need to learn our lesson. We need to take a stand. We need to tell the country that we won't let this kind of hacky, half-assed dialog on the airwaves ever again. Ever. You know it's awful. You know it makes people cringe. You know only 7-year old girls would giggle about it, and you know they aren't in the cell phone market. Just make sure this is the only time this ever happens. Now, you may resume making mediocre advertising.
The payoff joke is, apparently, the guy in the background dropping the weight because Workout Guy, who had been spotting him, leaves to take a call. This is unacceptably unfunny. When you create a massive choad like Workout Guy, you need to make fun of him more than this. You need to explain to people that you're displaying this kind of behavior as ironic, humorous, or whatever. You need to work much, much harder. You owe it to TV viewers, and you owe it to your marketing budget.
This commercial is a new low, Verizon. Go sit in the corner.
Side note: Workout Guy is played by Silas Gaither, of Survivor: Africa non-fame. He placed twelfth and is currently working as a bartender in LA, according to Survivor Wiki. In his spare time he enjoys spotting buds at the gym, looking sweaty, and making people reevaluate their perception of contemporary American media.
Silliness or Laziness?
SoBe is making some questionable commercials. This brief 15 second offering sadly fits right into their realm of the bizarre and silly:
Lunchlady: We got fried eggs, fried cheese, fried beans, fried potatoes, fried bacon...
Ok, we get it, there's some unhealthy food served out there. Particularly during school lunches. But I really don't think they're serving mozzarella sticks at school cafeterias. "Fried potatoes" are usually called fries, and "fried bacon" is a little bit redundant (unless you're baking it, or using the microwaveable variety.) But these are small quibbles, and this list is mostly reasonable.
Lunchlady: ... fried butter
Fried butter? Seriously? I mean, come on, Americans eat a lot of fatty shit, but not even the most backwoods sippy hole race has a "Fried Butter" concession stand.
This would be like PowerBar running an ad that went, "Sick of eating Crisco straight from the tub? Try a PowerBar!" Hey, SoBe Life Water - you're a fluid health product. You do not get to pretend like you're a substitute good for a greasy solid food product, much less one that you just made up and is completely disgusting.
Voiceover: Find your healthy place (girl jumps into giant bottle of tangerine Life Water.)
Good lord - I really hope that's amniotic fluid inside that bottle, or she is going to drown. I don't care how much she enjoys fluttering around in there, that image really claustrophobes me the hell out. Imagine, in your last seconds, gallons of undoubtedly fake-tasting tangerine death water rushing into your lungs, staring at the backside of a SoBe logo - what if the last thing that went through your mind was kids ripping mattresses in half?
Voiceover: SoBe Life Water. Rich in antioxidants.
What do antioxidants have to do with the rest of this commercial? Isn't it oddly specific considering how sloppy and disjointed the set-up is? Antioxidants are useful in helping to prevent cancer and heart disease. I think what you might need after chowing down on some state fair-grade fried butter is Tums, or something to settle your stomach. In fact, you don't even need to gorge on fried foods to feel queasy - just watching a SoBe commercial seems to do the trick.
Lunchlady: We got fried eggs, fried cheese, fried beans, fried potatoes, fried bacon...
Ok, we get it, there's some unhealthy food served out there. Particularly during school lunches. But I really don't think they're serving mozzarella sticks at school cafeterias. "Fried potatoes" are usually called fries, and "fried bacon" is a little bit redundant (unless you're baking it, or using the microwaveable variety.) But these are small quibbles, and this list is mostly reasonable.
Lunchlady: ... fried butter
Fried butter? Seriously? I mean, come on, Americans eat a lot of fatty shit, but not even the most backwoods sippy hole race has a "Fried Butter" concession stand.
This would be like PowerBar running an ad that went, "Sick of eating Crisco straight from the tub? Try a PowerBar!" Hey, SoBe Life Water - you're a fluid health product. You do not get to pretend like you're a substitute good for a greasy solid food product, much less one that you just made up and is completely disgusting.
Voiceover: Find your healthy place (girl jumps into giant bottle of tangerine Life Water.)
Good lord - I really hope that's amniotic fluid inside that bottle, or she is going to drown. I don't care how much she enjoys fluttering around in there, that image really claustrophobes me the hell out. Imagine, in your last seconds, gallons of undoubtedly fake-tasting tangerine death water rushing into your lungs, staring at the backside of a SoBe logo - what if the last thing that went through your mind was kids ripping mattresses in half?
Voiceover: SoBe Life Water. Rich in antioxidants.
What do antioxidants have to do with the rest of this commercial? Isn't it oddly specific considering how sloppy and disjointed the set-up is? Antioxidants are useful in helping to prevent cancer and heart disease. I think what you might need after chowing down on some state fair-grade fried butter is Tums, or something to settle your stomach. In fact, you don't even need to gorge on fried foods to feel queasy - just watching a SoBe commercial seems to do the trick.
Friday, July 13, 2007
I'm free, to do what my bank wants
The Rolling Stones make good music. Chase makes good music painful:
Okay, so that's Fatboy Slim's remix of the Stones song "I'm Free," but it's still a nauseatingly repetitive bore-fest. You know what sells me on a product? One musical lick, played over and over again, until I feel like I've just been brainwashed Clockwork Orange-style. That makes me want to do whatever the commercial tells me.
Then, there's the product message:
It's time to feel free. With the new Chase Freedom.
I'm free to do what I want, y'all! I'm free to choose "Cash Back", or, alternatively, I'm free to choose "travel." Man, you mean with this credit card I get to choose one thing or another thing? Next you're going to tell me I'm free to choose among three options, or, and this is really insane, four options. My god, imagine having to make a choice. Imagine having more than one option within a decision set. Where would I even begin? Is there anything else I'm free to do with this new Jeffersonian credit card?
Well, apparently I'm free to pay 14.24% variable APR for Elite Pricing on my balance. I'm also free to pay 28.24% variable APR on cash advances. Awesome. Those are the kinds of unalienable freedoms this country was built on. Someone put a call into the ACLU -- Chase deserves some kind of freedom medal.
That's freedom. That's Chase Freedom.
If "Chase Freedom" means "Channel Changing Freedom," I'm with you.
Okay, so that's Fatboy Slim's remix of the Stones song "I'm Free," but it's still a nauseatingly repetitive bore-fest. You know what sells me on a product? One musical lick, played over and over again, until I feel like I've just been brainwashed Clockwork Orange-style. That makes me want to do whatever the commercial tells me.
Then, there's the product message:
It's time to feel free. With the new Chase Freedom.
I'm free to do what I want, y'all! I'm free to choose "Cash Back", or, alternatively, I'm free to choose "travel." Man, you mean with this credit card I get to choose one thing or another thing? Next you're going to tell me I'm free to choose among three options, or, and this is really insane, four options. My god, imagine having to make a choice. Imagine having more than one option within a decision set. Where would I even begin? Is there anything else I'm free to do with this new Jeffersonian credit card?
Well, apparently I'm free to pay 14.24% variable APR for Elite Pricing on my balance. I'm also free to pay 28.24% variable APR on cash advances. Awesome. Those are the kinds of unalienable freedoms this country was built on. Someone put a call into the ACLU -- Chase deserves some kind of freedom medal.
That's freedom. That's Chase Freedom.
If "Chase Freedom" means "Channel Changing Freedom," I'm with you.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Internet is a series of YouTubes
Here's a fun fact: the Internet sometimes has silly videos on it. Capitalizing on this groundbreaking information is the new series of Geico ads:
I don't understand. Didn't Geico build its market share using the Internet? Why are they acting like they just discovered it yesterday? This is the kind of thing I would expect from a bunch of 60-year-old guys in a room. "Hey, you know what would be great for an ad? Internet videos! The kids seem to love 'em!" Naturally the premise is that there are better things you could do online than watch stupid videos, as though this was a piece of information that anyone was missing. "I know the Internet compiles virtually all the knowledge of the world and near-endless resources for obtaining insurance quotes... but no, I'm going to watch this guy make noises with his mouth for another five minutes."
The whole thing is pretty lame, but it is also unbelievably lazy. The kid pictured is, as best I can tell from YouTube, an actual guy who posts these stupid videos. Geico bought the rights, because I guess that's cheaper than paying an actor to do something similar? The other ad I saw in this series is the exact same case. This is like the reality TV of commercials - why pay actors when you can just dump something "unscripted" onto the airwaves, then sit back and reap the benefits? Given how many bad ideas the marketing geniuses at Geico have foisted on us, though, I guess I shouldn't complain when they just stop trying.
I don't understand. Didn't Geico build its market share using the Internet? Why are they acting like they just discovered it yesterday? This is the kind of thing I would expect from a bunch of 60-year-old guys in a room. "Hey, you know what would be great for an ad? Internet videos! The kids seem to love 'em!" Naturally the premise is that there are better things you could do online than watch stupid videos, as though this was a piece of information that anyone was missing. "I know the Internet compiles virtually all the knowledge of the world and near-endless resources for obtaining insurance quotes... but no, I'm going to watch this guy make noises with his mouth for another five minutes."
The whole thing is pretty lame, but it is also unbelievably lazy. The kid pictured is, as best I can tell from YouTube, an actual guy who posts these stupid videos. Geico bought the rights, because I guess that's cheaper than paying an actor to do something similar? The other ad I saw in this series is the exact same case. This is like the reality TV of commercials - why pay actors when you can just dump something "unscripted" onto the airwaves, then sit back and reap the benefits? Given how many bad ideas the marketing geniuses at Geico have foisted on us, though, I guess I shouldn't complain when they just stop trying.
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