I'll take "attacking things your competitors don't do" for $200, Alex.
Wife: "Hey, did you ever find tickets to Hawaii?"
Husband: "Hawaii Five-O! Book 'em, Dano! Aloha! Mele Kalikimaka! Surf lingo! Brah, I was stoked when I caught that tasty barrel!"
I mean, fine, I guess this is supposed to be hyperbole. But it's hyperbole so extreme that it just means nothing. Go to Google and type in "tickets to Hawaii," not that anyone would ever type in so vague a term when they specifically were looking for airline tickets. The first two results are Cheap Tickets and Orbitz, both of which will sell you plane tickets to Hawaii. In case you meant something else, you're also presented on the first page with other links where they sell tickets for University of Hawaii sporting events. Type in "plane tickets to Hawaii" and you get a bunch of sites that sell you plane tickets to Hawaii. I don't know how far you'd have to go in the results for "tickets to Hawaii" to find "Book 'em, Dano," but I'm guessing it's pretty far. Even if you're the kind of idiot who just types in "Hawaii," three of the first four results are tourism-related.
Wife: "Seriously, did you price out tickets?"
Husband: "How to beat a traffic ticket! Ten proven methods traffic courts don't want you to know!"
Wife: "What are you talking about?"
Husband: "Talk turkey!"
Wife: "What?"
Husband: "Talk live with hot singles in your area! They're waiting."
Wife: "Who's waiting?"
Slogan on screen: "What has search overload done to us?"
Uh... nothing? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this commercial? Just for the hell of it, I also typed "tickets to Hawaii" into Yahoo and Ask.com and got similar results to Google - Yahoo even had all of their top results relating to flights. Then I typed it into Bing.com's engine, and got basically the same results (although fewer of theirs seemed to deal with flights, which is vaguely hilarious).
I realize that not everyone in the world is an internet expert; I'm old enough to remember a time without the internet, but young enough that it's been a major part of most of my life (and certainly my entire adult life). But COME ON. If you know enough to access the internet, I fail to see what Bing.com is doing for you that every other search engine can't. It's like they're trying to trick old people into thinking that this is how Google works. "Hey, boomers! Use Bing.com! Did you know that Google will vomit a stream of tangentially related non-sequiturs like a mental patient if you search using it? It's true! Uh, don't bother trying to verify that, it's just going to lull you into a false sense of security with a successful initial search..." Their use of the term "decision engine" only plays this up all the more. "Are you too old and computer illiterate to browse through a page of search results? We'll decide for you!" Never mind that I've used Bing a couple times now and fail to see where it's "deciding" any more than Google when it gives you... a page of search results. At least Google has the "I'm feeling lucky" button.
This ad is the rough equivalent of Burger King making an ad in which they claim that if you go into a McDonald's and order a hamburger, you'll get a bag of diseased muskrats. (Not that I'd put that past Crispin Porter + Bogusky.) It's also exactly as effective. Anyone who knows anything about the internet knows you're full of shit, Microsoft, and this commercial is enough to send me lunging for the remote every time.
Showing posts with label shocking stupidity even by ad standards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shocking stupidity even by ad standards. Show all posts
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Money well flushed
Trashing a marketing campaign as a waste of resources is a pretty easy, even facile, argument in most businesses' cases. When it comes to financial services companies in the recessionary year of 2009, however, I think a strong case can be made. Especially when rotoscoping is involved. So, here's brokerage house Charles Schwab pretending like they understand (and weren't partly the cause of) your financial predicament:
Man: When I think of the mess we're in right now, it's just not right.
I love the vague generalizations throughout this ad about the recession. No one comes out and says "When I think about the fact that we're in a recession" or "When I think about how the Dow has lost half its value in less than two years." I get that they aren't buying commercial time to bum people out, but this just rings hollow to me.
Graphic: Last year over 225,000 people didn't just accept it.
"They pulled the money they were losing in their retirement funds and lost it with us instead."
Face it, unless Charles Schwab offers a money market account, anyone trading stocks with Schwab lost money. Everyone has lost money in the stock market, except Warren Buffet and like three other people. It wasn't just investment bankers losing that cash, it was regular people making trades online, too.
Woman: We had our whole retirement in place and then it just went boom. You know, just up in smoke.
Where was that retirement money that went "boom" invested? The stock market. Where does Charles Schwab want you to put it? The stock market. Ahh -- logic!
Graphic: They did something about it.
"It's so much more fun when you control where your money goes down the drain!"
Man: Well I'm still being nickled and dimed, you know, like I, like I haven't lost enough already.
To me, this is the only strong part of this commercial. Charles Schwab is a lot cheaper than most places if you want to be a hands-on investor. This is probably the biggest selling point for their business in this economy.
I'm not a financial guru in any way, but it strikes me as irresponsible to appeal to people's anger at the financial industry and convince them to reinvest by themselves. This is a wildly volatile market, and if most investment firms can't read it, why would normal, non I-banker people fare any better?
Woman: One of my friends are (sic) still kind of having a hard time, and instead of dwelling on the past, I think it's time to move forward.
Utterly vapid. Truly, you have to wonder why this particular, meaningless comment was worth rotoscoping. And using up 5 seconds of air time. Also, only "one" of your friends is having a hard time? And you somehow came out totally unscathed from the financial turmoil? Maybe we should be investing with you, and not Charles Schwab.
Graphic: DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
"DUMP YOUR MONEY INTO THE STOCK MARKET RIGHT NOW! IT CAN'T GET ANY LOWER!! Unless of course it does, in which case, we totally ran an ad telling you to buy bonds."
I wonder if there's a publicly traded rotoscoping studio I could buy some shares of....
Man: When I think of the mess we're in right now, it's just not right.
I love the vague generalizations throughout this ad about the recession. No one comes out and says "When I think about the fact that we're in a recession" or "When I think about how the Dow has lost half its value in less than two years." I get that they aren't buying commercial time to bum people out, but this just rings hollow to me.
Graphic: Last year over 225,000 people didn't just accept it.
"They pulled the money they were losing in their retirement funds and lost it with us instead."
Face it, unless Charles Schwab offers a money market account, anyone trading stocks with Schwab lost money. Everyone has lost money in the stock market, except Warren Buffet and like three other people. It wasn't just investment bankers losing that cash, it was regular people making trades online, too.
Woman: We had our whole retirement in place and then it just went boom. You know, just up in smoke.
Where was that retirement money that went "boom" invested? The stock market. Where does Charles Schwab want you to put it? The stock market. Ahh -- logic!
Graphic: They did something about it.
"It's so much more fun when you control where your money goes down the drain!"
Man: Well I'm still being nickled and dimed, you know, like I, like I haven't lost enough already.
To me, this is the only strong part of this commercial. Charles Schwab is a lot cheaper than most places if you want to be a hands-on investor. This is probably the biggest selling point for their business in this economy.
I'm not a financial guru in any way, but it strikes me as irresponsible to appeal to people's anger at the financial industry and convince them to reinvest by themselves. This is a wildly volatile market, and if most investment firms can't read it, why would normal, non I-banker people fare any better?
Woman: One of my friends are (sic) still kind of having a hard time, and instead of dwelling on the past, I think it's time to move forward.
Utterly vapid. Truly, you have to wonder why this particular, meaningless comment was worth rotoscoping. And using up 5 seconds of air time. Also, only "one" of your friends is having a hard time? And you somehow came out totally unscathed from the financial turmoil? Maybe we should be investing with you, and not Charles Schwab.
Graphic: DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
"DUMP YOUR MONEY INTO THE STOCK MARKET RIGHT NOW! IT CAN'T GET ANY LOWER!! Unless of course it does, in which case, we totally ran an ad telling you to buy bonds."
I wonder if there's a publicly traded rotoscoping studio I could buy some shares of....
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Quarter Pounder with Lawsuit
McDonald's has launched a website to remind us of one of their longtime products, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. There's a picture of a grease-covered burger, and some different "Lessons in Confidence" you can click on. Would you care to know how a cheeseburger with 70% of your saturated fat intake and 49% of your sodium can help you fight a bear, waterski among piranhas and win a slam dunk contest? Oh, well then read on, friends!
How to deal with a North American black bear
When you encounter a black bear in the wild, it's important to muster the confidence of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Sometimes I think this site should be called "Who Are the Corporate Attorneys Who Approved THAT One?" I mean, come on -- this is the company that gets sued when someone spills coffee on themselves in the drive thru. And loses. And here they are actively encouraging people to fight a bear. And fight one using a fucking cheeseburger. That is one potentially expensive not-that-funny joke, McDonald's. How much do you want to bet they get some nasty phonecalls from parents on this one?
1. Stand your ground. Running away makes you fun to chase. Plus, black bears usually bluff when attacking. Your bluff just needs to be better.
Jesus, this is amateurish. I realize McDonald's isn't trying to be a wilderness guide, but since I've hiked in bear country before, I feel it necessary to link to an informative bear safety site.
2. Fight back. When a black bear sees that their (sic) opponent is ready to go for broke, they'll ease up. But you've got to really sell it. During the whoopin', don't forget to stop and realize how killer it is that you're totally schooling a black bear.
Uh huh. Because a human would win in a fight against a charging black bear in the wild. I don't care how many QPCs you had for breakfast, you are not winning a fight against a bear.
Also, what 22-year old faux hipster wrote this shit? This is like late-90's high school yearbook-level copywriting. "Whoopin'"? "Schooling"? "Killer"? Maybe Diablo Cody is moonlighting for McDonald's. Wait! This just inspired me to come up with the best, totally non-outdated new slogan for McDonald's:
"I'm McLovin' it!"
3. Enjoy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. You deserve it.
I love the pencil graphic of the guy all beaten up eating a Quarter Pounder. Is there a more appetizing image that someone who just got mauled by a wild animal?
There are some other painfully over-written "lessons in confidence." Because, apparently, the inanimate Quarter Pounder with Cheese is somehow endowed with personality traits. Check out this one:
How to buy a big ticket item with only change
Do you have what it takes to make a purchase with nothing but full metal coinage? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese does.
Okay, A. No, it does not. Since it's a piece of fried beef smothered in fake cheese on a 2-cent bun. And B. "Full metal coinage?" Who are you, Jack Black? This is the work of a hack. This kind of copywriting was shat out by someone at 10pm on a Sunday night after polishing off a seventh Smirnoff Ice, and then turned in on Monday morning, riddled with typos, 5 minutes before it had to be sent to the client. This is soul-crushing copywriting. Whoever wrote this lacks human emotion.
1. Act natural. You know you're carrying around a pillowcase full of change, you don't need any nasty looks to tell you that. So just hold your head high and go with it.
2. Don't take no for an answer. No matter how much they complain or how many people are in line behind you, don't back down. It's real money. They have to accept it.
Funny thing. No they don't. I love when shit is just factually inaccurate. Isn't that the best when people don't even spend two minutes to look something up?
So, not only would a person paying with a pillowcase full of change in front of a huge line of people be a complete dick, but s/he would also be legally wrong to force the retailer to accept the coins. Oh well, at least this "Lesson in Confidence" is laugh-til-you-cry hilarious, right?
3. Drop a bag of coin on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. You're worth it.
Oh my gosh, you guys. Let's all totally do this!!! Go into a McD tomorrow and be like, "I'm paying for this Quarter Pounder with 400 pennies." Or, if you wanted to talk like the hack who wrote this website, you could be all, "Wassup, peeps!! Hook me up with a fly QPC. Now let me lay down some sweet Lincoln heads for y'all! 23 Skidoo!"
Wouldn't you love to be the person at McDonald's getting the calls from the franchisees after this? "I just had four assholes pay for their Quarter Pounders with a jar of change! And they made me take it because that retarded McDonald's web site told them to!!" Seems like a smart move on McDonald's part.
Oh, there are more lessons, but they're all equally moronic. Owning a slam dunk contest ("Dunk like whoa"), fleecing a car salesman, becoming a reality TV star. Some of these are so awful they're almost depressing. But I think the last part of the "waterskiing with piranhas" lesson sums up the essence of the whole goofy campaign:
You're awesome. You know what else is awesome? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese. So, get one.
"Awesome. Awesome. Product name. Call-to-action."
Did you just fall asleep reading that? If you did, you missed what is perhaps the laziest, clumsiest, hackiest line of copy ever written. For anything. Congratulations, McDonald's.
Oh, and if you're a recently laid-off lawyer -- you may want to look into positions at McDonald's. I bet they'll be hiring soon.
How to deal with a North American black bearWhen you encounter a black bear in the wild, it's important to muster the confidence of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Sometimes I think this site should be called "Who Are the Corporate Attorneys Who Approved THAT One?" I mean, come on -- this is the company that gets sued when someone spills coffee on themselves in the drive thru. And loses. And here they are actively encouraging people to fight a bear. And fight one using a fucking cheeseburger. That is one potentially expensive not-that-funny joke, McDonald's. How much do you want to bet they get some nasty phonecalls from parents on this one?
1. Stand your ground. Running away makes you fun to chase. Plus, black bears usually bluff when attacking. Your bluff just needs to be better.
Jesus, this is amateurish. I realize McDonald's isn't trying to be a wilderness guide, but since I've hiked in bear country before, I feel it necessary to link to an informative bear safety site.
2. Fight back. When a black bear sees that their (sic) opponent is ready to go for broke, they'll ease up. But you've got to really sell it. During the whoopin', don't forget to stop and realize how killer it is that you're totally schooling a black bear.
Uh huh. Because a human would win in a fight against a charging black bear in the wild. I don't care how many QPCs you had for breakfast, you are not winning a fight against a bear.
Also, what 22-year old faux hipster wrote this shit? This is like late-90's high school yearbook-level copywriting. "Whoopin'"? "Schooling"? "Killer"? Maybe Diablo Cody is moonlighting for McDonald's. Wait! This just inspired me to come up with the best, totally non-outdated new slogan for McDonald's:
"I'm McLovin' it!"
3. Enjoy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. You deserve it.
I love the pencil graphic of the guy all beaten up eating a Quarter Pounder. Is there a more appetizing image that someone who just got mauled by a wild animal?
There are some other painfully over-written "lessons in confidence." Because, apparently, the inanimate Quarter Pounder with Cheese is somehow endowed with personality traits. Check out this one:
How to buy a big ticket item with only change
Do you have what it takes to make a purchase with nothing but full metal coinage? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese does.
Okay, A. No, it does not. Since it's a piece of fried beef smothered in fake cheese on a 2-cent bun. And B. "Full metal coinage?" Who are you, Jack Black? This is the work of a hack. This kind of copywriting was shat out by someone at 10pm on a Sunday night after polishing off a seventh Smirnoff Ice, and then turned in on Monday morning, riddled with typos, 5 minutes before it had to be sent to the client. This is soul-crushing copywriting. Whoever wrote this lacks human emotion.
1. Act natural. You know you're carrying around a pillowcase full of change, you don't need any nasty looks to tell you that. So just hold your head high and go with it.
2. Don't take no for an answer. No matter how much they complain or how many people are in line behind you, don't back down. It's real money. They have to accept it.
Funny thing. No they don't. I love when shit is just factually inaccurate. Isn't that the best when people don't even spend two minutes to look something up?
So, not only would a person paying with a pillowcase full of change in front of a huge line of people be a complete dick, but s/he would also be legally wrong to force the retailer to accept the coins. Oh well, at least this "Lesson in Confidence" is laugh-til-you-cry hilarious, right?
3. Drop a bag of coin on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. You're worth it.
Oh my gosh, you guys. Let's all totally do this!!! Go into a McD tomorrow and be like, "I'm paying for this Quarter Pounder with 400 pennies." Or, if you wanted to talk like the hack who wrote this website, you could be all, "Wassup, peeps!! Hook me up with a fly QPC. Now let me lay down some sweet Lincoln heads for y'all! 23 Skidoo!"
Wouldn't you love to be the person at McDonald's getting the calls from the franchisees after this? "I just had four assholes pay for their Quarter Pounders with a jar of change! And they made me take it because that retarded McDonald's web site told them to!!" Seems like a smart move on McDonald's part.
Oh, there are more lessons, but they're all equally moronic. Owning a slam dunk contest ("Dunk like whoa"), fleecing a car salesman, becoming a reality TV star. Some of these are so awful they're almost depressing. But I think the last part of the "waterskiing with piranhas" lesson sums up the essence of the whole goofy campaign:
You're awesome. You know what else is awesome? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese. So, get one.
"Awesome. Awesome. Product name. Call-to-action."
Did you just fall asleep reading that? If you did, you missed what is perhaps the laziest, clumsiest, hackiest line of copy ever written. For anything. Congratulations, McDonald's.
Oh, and if you're a recently laid-off lawyer -- you may want to look into positions at McDonald's. I bet they'll be hiring soon.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Tonton Macoutes of the Mind
Thanks to an anonymous commenter who reminded me that I'd wanted to write something about this stupid ad campaign.
Gee, that's... dumb. I'm reminded of those awful Hyundai radio ads, which unfortunately (or, fortunately, depending on your viewpoint) I've never found in a linkable online form, starring the "Smartest Man in the World" whose two main characteristics are knowing trivial bits of information that a lot of people know, and being an annoying shill for Hyundai. Do you get the feeling that the people who wrote this ad have never looked up anything online in their lives?
Graphic: "Knowledge Generation Bureau... KGB."
For instance, a quick Google search of KGB would have reminded everyone that the first returning hit is the Wikipedia article on, you know, the fucking KGB, the Soviet intelligence service-cum-secret police which operated prior to the fall of Communism. I find it hard to believe that this KGB Mark II is really hoping that people make that kind of connection - the KGB isn't necessarily that popular an entity - so what are they going for? That tiny frisson of recognition that people get when they know they've heard something before but can't remember where? "Say, the KGB... where do I know that name from? Well, I know the name creates terrifying associations of power abuses in my mind... I wonder if they can tell me how many pounds of rice China exports on a yearly basis?"
Boss Guy: "We expect the best, Miss."
Recruit: "I am the best."
Boss Guy: "Well, we'll see. What's the capital of New Zealand?"
Not difficult. I know that without looking it up (Wellington), but either way, typing "capital of New Zealand" into Google gets you not only the answer but also Wellington's latitude and longitude, and that's before all the links that you can visit for more information.
Boss Guy: "The 17th Fibonacci number."
Recruit: "1597."
Also easily answerable via a Google search, although what are the odds you would ever need to know this on the spur of the moment?
[Setting: a pub in the east end of London. Two rough-looking working-class types, each represented by a half-finished pint at the bar, are staring each other down.]
Tough 1: The 17th Fibonacci number's 1597, you wanker!
Tough 2: Bollocks! It's 987 and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise!
[They scuffle. The bartender quickly fires off a text to KGB, which returns him the answer.]
Bartender: Lads! Lads! It's 1597.
Tough 2: Blimey, I feel a right git.
Tough 1: No hard feelings, mate.
Bartender: KGB, you've done it again!
And scene.
Boss Guy: "Who was Queen Elizabeth's husband?"
Elizabeth I (the queen he turns out to be asking about) was pretty famously known as the "Virgin Queen," to the point that an entire American colony, Virginia, was named for her. Again, I didn't need to look this up. The point here is not to brag about how much trivia I know - although honestly I am pretty good with trivia - but to point out that in a commercial like this, maybe stuff that isn't ridiculously common knowledge or findable via a three-second Google search should be used. It's the same reason those Hyundai ads were so dumb - am I really supposed to be impressed that the smartest man in the world knows the capital of New Zealand? Shouldn't the actual smartest man in the world be out trying to solve the credit crisis? At least KGB makes minimal bones about the fact that they only exist to answer trivia questions.
Boss Guy: "Define 'bootylicious.'"
Not really a word. And really not something I would imagine anyone needs defined. This was clearly an attempt at being funny and/or hip; fail.
Boss Guy: "Who sang 'Sugar, Sugar?'"
Again... not really that hard. Also easily found via a 0.5-second Google search.
Boss Guy: "Best cheesesteak in Philly."
Recruit: "Geno's."
At least answering that question would be a service other than answering mere trivia. Google also performs this service - while it doesn't just spit out a single answer, it certainly gives you plenty of webpage resources, including Citysearch Philadelphia's top ten, in which Geno's is #8.
Boss Guy: "How many hamsters, standing on each other's shoulders, would it take to reach the moon?"
Recruit: "What kind of hamsters, Syrian or Russian?"
Boss Guy: "Well, let's say Syrian."
Recruit: [after a moment] "2,282,764,988. And a half."
"You're hired based on that impressive display of answering a question no one would ever, ever ask in a million years!"
Boss Guy: "Which is which?"
Recruit: "The one on the right is Shine-Ola."
Am I supposed to text them pictures of my shiny surfaces for identification? What?
Boss Guy: "You'll do. Welcome to the Knowledge Generation Bureau."
Please explain what knowledge you are generating. Knowledge Retrieval Bureau? This just proves that they, for some reason, really, really wanted to call themselves the KGB. I would have gone with "Somebody Texts and Somebody Informs," or Stasi for short. What? It's just this cool-sounding abbreviation I thought of.
So KGB is, I guess, this service that provides information. Google with a narrower focus? Or Google with a way less effective mode of delivery? You be the judge.
Boss Guy: "Welcome to the Knowledge Generation Bureau."
"In case you forgot where you had just been hired in the 15 seconds it took us to walk down here. And that seems like a nitpicky criticism except the name was on the screen just now, so for whose benefit was I saying this?"
Stats: "You wanna know the only NFL player to score two safeties in one game?"
Boss Guy: "That's Stats. You need a RBI, or ERA, or a PPG - he'll get it to you PDQ."
Haw. A sequence of abbreviations - classic. Never seen that one before.
Boss Guy: "Over there's Trivia - good man to know on a pop quiz."
Most pop quizzes do not let you consult websites or text messages. Also, what percentage of KGB's mission statement as far as we've seen so far doesn't involve trivia?
Boss Guy: "That lady there is Mechanics, behind her is Quantum Mechanics."
"The people who wrote this ad don't know anything about either of those areas, but they sounded smart. Let's just move on."
Boss Guy: "The man with the contemplative air is Philosophy."
So wait - can I text these guys and get answers to profound, mystical questions? Shit! I'll be right back.
Okay, you guys. Apparently the meaning of life is "You do not have enough credits to send this message." Makes you think, right? In a way, none of us have enough credits...
Boss Guy: "And back there are the twins, Movie Times and Train Times."
Whatever.
Boss Guy: "And this will be your new partner."
Partner: "Hey."
Recruit: "Hey."
Partner: "Wanna grapple? It's a cross between-"
Recruit: "A grape and an apple. I know. And it's pronounced 'grape-el.'"
You're kind of a bitch, aren't you? Jesus. Also, writers of this ad, a grapple is not "a cross between a grape and an apple." It's a regular apple that's had grape flavor injected into it. You would know this if you had spent literally ten seconds Googling it.
Recruit: "Who's your friend?"
Partner: "Him? He works on the imponderables."
Recruit: "Like the Hodge conjecture?"
Congrats on actually working something difficult into one of your ads. Although given that there is a $1,000,000 prize associated with proving the Hodge conjecture, I'm guessing no one is going to be texting me the answer to that one.
Partner: "No, the really hard stuff, like what does a woman want."
Boss Guy: "Poor sap."
[Recruit attempts to stare a hole in Partner's forehead.]
Ah ha ha ha ha! Oh my GOD! I see no one who works for this bureau specializes in "jokes under four hundred years old."
Graphic: "Got a question? Text 542542 (KGBKGB)."
Seriously, have you ever seen anything more inessential? Why on earth would anyone need to wait for a texted answer when Google exists? I guess maybe if you're not near a computer and you just have to know right away, or however long it would take to get a reply, but I don't often have pressing quantum mechanics questions strike me as I'm walking down the street.
Here's a question I got - what job are this woman and her partner (who by the way seems way too dumb to be working for this company) going to be doing? Every essential position appears to be filled, particularly Trivia, clearly her only forte.
One more.
Guy: "Does anyone have the winning lottery numbers?"
Weird Guy: "Tonight's or next week's?"
Can I text in and get next week's lottery numbers? I take it all back, KGB is awesome.
Guy 2: "Is the Museum of Art-"
Weird Guy: "No, it's closed on Tuesdays."
Why are these people working here if the only solution they have to getting a simple question with a single, fact-based answer is to yell it out randomly?
Guy 3: "Where's the nearest-"
Weird Guy: "On Bleecker and West 4th."
Fun New York City fact: Bleecker Street and West 4th Street do not intersect; in fact, they mostly run parallel to each other. This took me 30 seconds to look up.
Guy 4: "What is a dendrobiu-"
Weird Guy: "It's a type of orchid."
Woman: "What was the name of the si-"
Weird Guy [singing annoyingly]: "Charles in Charge!"
Recruit: "Wow, that guy's amazing."
Amazingly annoying.
Recruit: "What's his-"
Weird Guy: "Horoscopes, ma'am, at your service."
"Actually, I was going to ask 'What's his fucking problem,' but thanks anyway."
At this point I'm beginning to doubt if the people who wrote these ads know anything about anything. Do you conceptualize horoscopes as:
(a) Vague, fortune-like predictions along the lines of "You will have a change at work this week" that could easily "come true" because they're so generic, or
(b) Factual information delivered by a psychic, teleportation-capable guru holding all the knowledge of the world
Although, come to think of it, this was my horoscope today:
"A strain appears in one of your relationships when the theme song to Charles in Charge becomes a bone of contention. Mend the rift with a trip to the art museum (although not on Tuesdays, when it's closed) or a bouquet of Dendrobium kingianum. Also, here are next week's winning lottery numbers: 5, 12, 29, 34, 48 and 7 on the mega ball."
Seriously, what the fuck. This is not what horoscopes are, to say nothing of the fact that most people could not possibly give a shit about horoscopes and anyone who really cares about them isn't going to need to obtain them via text message. Other than that, this service is extremely useful.
I guess I can see where KGB could have its uses, assuming it works properly, but in any normal situation it's no more valuable - and factoring in time concerns, less - than sitting in front of a computer that's hooked up to the internet. All that and these commercials are annoying, stupid, and give just the barest hint of what this service might be good for (unless it really doesn't do any more than these three ads suggest, in which case it's virtually useless). And it has a terrible name that somebody already used. Wait, I've got another one they can use instead: "Red Guards of Knowledge." No?
Gee, that's... dumb. I'm reminded of those awful Hyundai radio ads, which unfortunately (or, fortunately, depending on your viewpoint) I've never found in a linkable online form, starring the "Smartest Man in the World" whose two main characteristics are knowing trivial bits of information that a lot of people know, and being an annoying shill for Hyundai. Do you get the feeling that the people who wrote this ad have never looked up anything online in their lives?
Graphic: "Knowledge Generation Bureau... KGB."
For instance, a quick Google search of KGB would have reminded everyone that the first returning hit is the Wikipedia article on, you know, the fucking KGB, the Soviet intelligence service-cum-secret police which operated prior to the fall of Communism. I find it hard to believe that this KGB Mark II is really hoping that people make that kind of connection - the KGB isn't necessarily that popular an entity - so what are they going for? That tiny frisson of recognition that people get when they know they've heard something before but can't remember where? "Say, the KGB... where do I know that name from? Well, I know the name creates terrifying associations of power abuses in my mind... I wonder if they can tell me how many pounds of rice China exports on a yearly basis?"
Boss Guy: "We expect the best, Miss."
Recruit: "I am the best."
Boss Guy: "Well, we'll see. What's the capital of New Zealand?"
Not difficult. I know that without looking it up (Wellington), but either way, typing "capital of New Zealand" into Google gets you not only the answer but also Wellington's latitude and longitude, and that's before all the links that you can visit for more information.
Boss Guy: "The 17th Fibonacci number."
Recruit: "1597."
Also easily answerable via a Google search, although what are the odds you would ever need to know this on the spur of the moment?
[Setting: a pub in the east end of London. Two rough-looking working-class types, each represented by a half-finished pint at the bar, are staring each other down.]
Tough 1: The 17th Fibonacci number's 1597, you wanker!
Tough 2: Bollocks! It's 987 and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise!
[They scuffle. The bartender quickly fires off a text to KGB, which returns him the answer.]
Bartender: Lads! Lads! It's 1597.
Tough 2: Blimey, I feel a right git.
Tough 1: No hard feelings, mate.
Bartender: KGB, you've done it again!
And scene.
Boss Guy: "Who was Queen Elizabeth's husband?"
Elizabeth I (the queen he turns out to be asking about) was pretty famously known as the "Virgin Queen," to the point that an entire American colony, Virginia, was named for her. Again, I didn't need to look this up. The point here is not to brag about how much trivia I know - although honestly I am pretty good with trivia - but to point out that in a commercial like this, maybe stuff that isn't ridiculously common knowledge or findable via a three-second Google search should be used. It's the same reason those Hyundai ads were so dumb - am I really supposed to be impressed that the smartest man in the world knows the capital of New Zealand? Shouldn't the actual smartest man in the world be out trying to solve the credit crisis? At least KGB makes minimal bones about the fact that they only exist to answer trivia questions.
Boss Guy: "Define 'bootylicious.'"
Not really a word. And really not something I would imagine anyone needs defined. This was clearly an attempt at being funny and/or hip; fail.
Boss Guy: "Who sang 'Sugar, Sugar?'"
Again... not really that hard. Also easily found via a 0.5-second Google search.
Boss Guy: "Best cheesesteak in Philly."
Recruit: "Geno's."
At least answering that question would be a service other than answering mere trivia. Google also performs this service - while it doesn't just spit out a single answer, it certainly gives you plenty of webpage resources, including Citysearch Philadelphia's top ten, in which Geno's is #8.
Boss Guy: "How many hamsters, standing on each other's shoulders, would it take to reach the moon?"
Recruit: "What kind of hamsters, Syrian or Russian?"
Boss Guy: "Well, let's say Syrian."
Recruit: [after a moment] "2,282,764,988. And a half."
"You're hired based on that impressive display of answering a question no one would ever, ever ask in a million years!"
Boss Guy: "Which is which?"
Recruit: "The one on the right is Shine-Ola."
Am I supposed to text them pictures of my shiny surfaces for identification? What?
Boss Guy: "You'll do. Welcome to the Knowledge Generation Bureau."
Please explain what knowledge you are generating. Knowledge Retrieval Bureau? This just proves that they, for some reason, really, really wanted to call themselves the KGB. I would have gone with "Somebody Texts and Somebody Informs," or Stasi for short. What? It's just this cool-sounding abbreviation I thought of.
So KGB is, I guess, this service that provides information. Google with a narrower focus? Or Google with a way less effective mode of delivery? You be the judge.
Boss Guy: "Welcome to the Knowledge Generation Bureau."
"In case you forgot where you had just been hired in the 15 seconds it took us to walk down here. And that seems like a nitpicky criticism except the name was on the screen just now, so for whose benefit was I saying this?"
Stats: "You wanna know the only NFL player to score two safeties in one game?"
Boss Guy: "That's Stats. You need a RBI, or ERA, or a PPG - he'll get it to you PDQ."
Haw. A sequence of abbreviations - classic. Never seen that one before.
Boss Guy: "Over there's Trivia - good man to know on a pop quiz."
Most pop quizzes do not let you consult websites or text messages. Also, what percentage of KGB's mission statement as far as we've seen so far doesn't involve trivia?
Boss Guy: "That lady there is Mechanics, behind her is Quantum Mechanics."
"The people who wrote this ad don't know anything about either of those areas, but they sounded smart. Let's just move on."
Boss Guy: "The man with the contemplative air is Philosophy."
So wait - can I text these guys and get answers to profound, mystical questions? Shit! I'll be right back.
Okay, you guys. Apparently the meaning of life is "You do not have enough credits to send this message." Makes you think, right? In a way, none of us have enough credits...
Boss Guy: "And back there are the twins, Movie Times and Train Times."
Whatever.
Boss Guy: "And this will be your new partner."
Partner: "Hey."
Recruit: "Hey."
Partner: "Wanna grapple? It's a cross between-"
Recruit: "A grape and an apple. I know. And it's pronounced 'grape-el.'"
You're kind of a bitch, aren't you? Jesus. Also, writers of this ad, a grapple is not "a cross between a grape and an apple." It's a regular apple that's had grape flavor injected into it. You would know this if you had spent literally ten seconds Googling it.
Recruit: "Who's your friend?"
Partner: "Him? He works on the imponderables."
Recruit: "Like the Hodge conjecture?"
Congrats on actually working something difficult into one of your ads. Although given that there is a $1,000,000 prize associated with proving the Hodge conjecture, I'm guessing no one is going to be texting me the answer to that one.
Partner: "No, the really hard stuff, like what does a woman want."
Boss Guy: "Poor sap."
[Recruit attempts to stare a hole in Partner's forehead.]
Ah ha ha ha ha! Oh my GOD! I see no one who works for this bureau specializes in "jokes under four hundred years old."
Graphic: "Got a question? Text 542542 (KGBKGB)."
Seriously, have you ever seen anything more inessential? Why on earth would anyone need to wait for a texted answer when Google exists? I guess maybe if you're not near a computer and you just have to know right away, or however long it would take to get a reply, but I don't often have pressing quantum mechanics questions strike me as I'm walking down the street.
Here's a question I got - what job are this woman and her partner (who by the way seems way too dumb to be working for this company) going to be doing? Every essential position appears to be filled, particularly Trivia, clearly her only forte.
One more.
Guy: "Does anyone have the winning lottery numbers?"
Weird Guy: "Tonight's or next week's?"
Can I text in and get next week's lottery numbers? I take it all back, KGB is awesome.
Guy 2: "Is the Museum of Art-"
Weird Guy: "No, it's closed on Tuesdays."
Why are these people working here if the only solution they have to getting a simple question with a single, fact-based answer is to yell it out randomly?
Guy 3: "Where's the nearest-"
Weird Guy: "On Bleecker and West 4th."
Fun New York City fact: Bleecker Street and West 4th Street do not intersect; in fact, they mostly run parallel to each other. This took me 30 seconds to look up.
Guy 4: "What is a dendrobiu-"
Weird Guy: "It's a type of orchid."
Woman: "What was the name of the si-"
Weird Guy [singing annoyingly]: "Charles in Charge!"
Recruit: "Wow, that guy's amazing."
Amazingly annoying.
Recruit: "What's his-"
Weird Guy: "Horoscopes, ma'am, at your service."
"Actually, I was going to ask 'What's his fucking problem,' but thanks anyway."
At this point I'm beginning to doubt if the people who wrote these ads know anything about anything. Do you conceptualize horoscopes as:
(a) Vague, fortune-like predictions along the lines of "You will have a change at work this week" that could easily "come true" because they're so generic, or
(b) Factual information delivered by a psychic, teleportation-capable guru holding all the knowledge of the world
Although, come to think of it, this was my horoscope today:
"A strain appears in one of your relationships when the theme song to Charles in Charge becomes a bone of contention. Mend the rift with a trip to the art museum (although not on Tuesdays, when it's closed) or a bouquet of Dendrobium kingianum. Also, here are next week's winning lottery numbers: 5, 12, 29, 34, 48 and 7 on the mega ball."
Seriously, what the fuck. This is not what horoscopes are, to say nothing of the fact that most people could not possibly give a shit about horoscopes and anyone who really cares about them isn't going to need to obtain them via text message. Other than that, this service is extremely useful.
I guess I can see where KGB could have its uses, assuming it works properly, but in any normal situation it's no more valuable - and factoring in time concerns, less - than sitting in front of a computer that's hooked up to the internet. All that and these commercials are annoying, stupid, and give just the barest hint of what this service might be good for (unless it really doesn't do any more than these three ads suggest, in which case it's virtually useless). And it has a terrible name that somebody already used. Wait, I've got another one they can use instead: "Red Guards of Knowledge." No?
Friday, October 31, 2008
I'll take "Tortured Premises" for $200, Alex
This ad doesn't seriously offend me or anything, but it just strikes me as yet one more example of how little most ad writers think about what they're writing.
You can see the basic idea of the ad there - "Guy who works at sub shop prefers Domino's oven-baked subs to his own employer's product" - and you can also see where it totally went off the rails. There's humor, and then there's this, where in taking the easiest possible path to the "joke" the writer(s) conveniently ignored that the path makes no sense.
Why did this guy order the sandwich to be sent to the sub shop at which he works? Why did he order it during business hours? Why did he give his real name? Why did he talk so loudly about it in front of his co-workers, making it thoroughly clear that he did in fact order it? "Why would I order a DOMINO'S OVEN-BAKED SANDWICH?" He even looks back into the shop as he says it! This makes no sense at all. No one would ever do this. The only reason to do something so incredibly nonsensical in your ad is if it's hilariously awesome. This is not hilariously awesome. This is what happens when your script for the ad is so lame that the director of the spot doesn't know to tell his lead actor that his delivery is totally off-base. Either that or Domino's wants you to think that only complete morons who are incapable of even the most basic subterfuge like their product.
Here is a better premise, which it took me ten seconds to think of: the Submart guy gets caught at Domino's by his manager and claims to be "scoping out the competition." Or, you know, anything else that might come close to happening in real life. I guess maybe that's not as side-splittingly hilarious a punchline as "Poor guy was lost!", though. Right? I mean, that's such a hilarious joke that we had to absolutely torture our basic premise just to get to it, right?
Unrelated note: Why are "Mike & Mike" doing the voice-over at the end? What the hell is the point of that?
You can see the basic idea of the ad there - "Guy who works at sub shop prefers Domino's oven-baked subs to his own employer's product" - and you can also see where it totally went off the rails. There's humor, and then there's this, where in taking the easiest possible path to the "joke" the writer(s) conveniently ignored that the path makes no sense.
Why did this guy order the sandwich to be sent to the sub shop at which he works? Why did he order it during business hours? Why did he give his real name? Why did he talk so loudly about it in front of his co-workers, making it thoroughly clear that he did in fact order it? "Why would I order a DOMINO'S OVEN-BAKED SANDWICH?" He even looks back into the shop as he says it! This makes no sense at all. No one would ever do this. The only reason to do something so incredibly nonsensical in your ad is if it's hilariously awesome. This is not hilariously awesome. This is what happens when your script for the ad is so lame that the director of the spot doesn't know to tell his lead actor that his delivery is totally off-base. Either that or Domino's wants you to think that only complete morons who are incapable of even the most basic subterfuge like their product.
Here is a better premise, which it took me ten seconds to think of: the Submart guy gets caught at Domino's by his manager and claims to be "scoping out the competition." Or, you know, anything else that might come close to happening in real life. I guess maybe that's not as side-splittingly hilarious a punchline as "Poor guy was lost!", though. Right? I mean, that's such a hilarious joke that we had to absolutely torture our basic premise just to get to it, right?
Unrelated note: Why are "Mike & Mike" doing the voice-over at the end? What the hell is the point of that?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The American Dream Pasta
The folks at Ronzoni have come up with a new 90-second instant pasta, and they want you to buy it. So they've cobbled together a commercial that combines the element of hilarious overstatement with the fun of inane non-sequitur. Take it away, Ronzoni:
Man: New Ronzoni Bistro.
Woman: Yeah! Delicious pasta meals in 90 seconds.
Man: (in awe) Bistro pasta in 90 seconds...
Why is this man shocked? He apparently knew what the product was, and that it was new, before he even asked. This is the most easily amazed man in the world.
Man: Whoa, will my other dream come true? (shot of him on the White House lawn)
So, wait -- you had two dreams: one was to become President of the United States. And the other was for someone to create 90-second instant pasta from a bag? Are you sure there wasn't a third dream -- to one day eat a bag lunch in an office breakroom by yourself?
Secret Service Agent: He's not the President! (Man is tackled)
Even in this man's Presidential fantasy -- one of only two dreams he's ever had -- he fails. Someone get this man an imagination!
Also, what does this have to do with selling pasta?
Voiceover: At least you can have your dream lunch.
Thankfully, most humans aren't like the aspiration-less man in this commercial. And that means that our dream lunch isn't instant pasta from a dry bag. I guess when I think about my dream lunch, I picture something hot and fresh, and not a bag of dehydrated crap I picked off the grocery store shelf for 99 cents a week before.
So, remember everybody: Ronzoni Bistro Pasta -- it's the dream lunch -- for people who are dead inside. 90 seconds to personal failure!
Man: New Ronzoni Bistro.
Woman: Yeah! Delicious pasta meals in 90 seconds.
Man: (in awe) Bistro pasta in 90 seconds...
Why is this man shocked? He apparently knew what the product was, and that it was new, before he even asked. This is the most easily amazed man in the world.
Man: Whoa, will my other dream come true? (shot of him on the White House lawn)
So, wait -- you had two dreams: one was to become President of the United States. And the other was for someone to create 90-second instant pasta from a bag? Are you sure there wasn't a third dream -- to one day eat a bag lunch in an office breakroom by yourself?
Secret Service Agent: He's not the President! (Man is tackled)
Even in this man's Presidential fantasy -- one of only two dreams he's ever had -- he fails. Someone get this man an imagination!
Also, what does this have to do with selling pasta?
Voiceover: At least you can have your dream lunch.
Thankfully, most humans aren't like the aspiration-less man in this commercial. And that means that our dream lunch isn't instant pasta from a dry bag. I guess when I think about my dream lunch, I picture something hot and fresh, and not a bag of dehydrated crap I picked off the grocery store shelf for 99 cents a week before.
So, remember everybody: Ronzoni Bistro Pasta -- it's the dream lunch -- for people who are dead inside. 90 seconds to personal failure!
Monday, October 27, 2008
You'll love us because other people hate us!
I'm thinking back to my Marketing 101 class in college -- there were the 4 P's, brand positioning demographics, target markets, etc, etc. We covered a lot of theoretical and practical ground. I just can't seem to recall the day we talked about selling a product by showing how much people hate that product. It's a maverick technique, as shown in this commercial for a local steakhouse:
(15 second shot of a piece of a gristly steak being grilled)
This is why good food photographers make a killing. Because when amateurs try to film food, this is what you get: a greasy, rubbery piece of meat bouncing up and down on a grill. My favorite part is when the camera pans completely away from the meat and over to an empty, blurry background. Just makes me chuckle. Was that supposed to be arty in some way? Did a high school photography student direct this? "It's the rule of thirds, man!"
Vegetarians hate us.
"You! Over there! Queer guy who doesn't eat meat! Hey, check out this huge hunk of animal! Hungry yet? Oh yeah, get a whiff of that greasy, bubbling flesh.... Want some? Oh, guess what, you can't have it! Because you choose not to eat meat! Hah -- suck on it!"
There are some kind of weird, good ol' boy undertones to a line like this. I wonder if the meatatarians were behind this one, too. But, yes, I suppose it is true that a group of people who don't eat meat wouldn't be fond of a steak place. What I fail to see, however, is the connection between illustrating that fact about vegetarians and attracting people who do eat meat to your steakhouse.
I mean, is this all they got? Nothing about how they only serve the choicest cuts of meat? Or how they were voted best steakhouse by a local magazine (if that were true)? Or anything unique about the restaurant? No? You just wanted to lash out at a small percentage of the population that doesn't like your product. Got it.
Sorry.
No, you're not sorry! That one lazy copy line was the entire reason for this commercial! Own up to it, dick.
"A Cut Above the Rest"
Just a pet peeve of mine. You don't need fucking quotation marks there! It's your slogan, you're not quoting somebody.
This reminds me of another local ad, a billboard for a conservative radio talk show on WIND 560 AM which read, "Liberals Hate It!" So automatically you've already lost 50% of the population who lean democratic. Now granted you weren't going to get them to listen anyway, but you're trying to woo the other 50% by saying "there's a group of people who think we're assholes!" -- you think that's going to work? Like someone will think to himself, "Well if Al Gore wouldn't listen to it, maybe I should tune in..."
If you're considering running an ad campaign that tries to reach people by saying "Group X hates us" -- then I would suggest you put the kibosh on the whole deal -- the advertising, the product, your business -- everything. You're admitting to everyone that there's so little that's new and great and unique about your product that you can't come up with a single noteworthy thing to say about it. And that, for the record, is a business problem, not just an marketing problem.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Dare to be stupid
I sure hope Raisin Bran Crunch is seeing its sales shoot through the roof, because I can't think of a single other legitimate reason why you'd want to bring back these characters for yet another go-round.
Giving your product "superfans" does not strike me as a terribly effective marketing gimmick. First of all, no one thinks these guys are real; we know you made them up. Second of all, superfans are not indicative of quality - look at the cult that exists around something like Spam, for fuck's sake. And third of all... why would you consciously make an ad campaign in which the only people who go ga-ga over your product are total fucking retards?
Dim Bulb 1: "So, if you work here, do you get free Raisin Bran Crunch?"
I believe this is a follow-up to another ad we didn't bother to take on, in which our motley crew of imbeciles tours the Raisin Bran Crunch plant. I'm a little surprised they were even let in the door. And I assume this guy's acting notes were, "Use your hands as much as possible?"
Dim Bulb 2: "Hey guys! I got the marketing director on the phone!"
I don't work in advertising, as I think I make clear often enough, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works.
Raisin Bran Crunch Marketing Director: Yes, Betty, who is it?
Betty: Sir, I have three members of the general public on the line.
RBCMD: I see...
Betty: I believe they want to pitch some taglines for the cereal.
RBCMD: Betty, you realize that we have an entire staff of people dedicated to thinking up taglines for Raisin Bran Crunch.
Betty: I'll just put them through, sir...
Dim Bulb Gang: Hello?
RBCMD: Note to self: fire Betty.
Dim Bulb 2: "It's time to pitch the taglines."
Dim Bulb 3: "The crunch is so great, it makes me salivate."
DB2: "Raisin Bran Crunch? More like Amazin' Bran Crunch."
DB3: "You'll really enjoy this cereal." [goofy, self-satisfied look]
DB1: "Raisin Bran Crunch - buy me some, Mom!"
[DB2 and DB3 stare at DB1]
This is basically exactly the same punchline as the first ad from this series that we talked about, wherein Dim Bulb 1 - referred to in that post as "Tool #3" - ends up the commercial by saying something so dumb/crazy/pathetic that his friends, who I think we can say are established as being pretty dumb/crazy/pathetic themselves, end up staring at him with these "I can't believe you just said that" looks.
But these are your characters. It's one thing in an initial ad where maybe this is just some goofy joke one-off. But we're now at the point where these guys are the Raisin Bran Crunch spokespeople. And maybe, just maybe, you don't want your spokespeople to be three guys who were deemed too embarrassing even to play the "Sales Guys" in an Alltel ad. I mean, here's Raisin Bran Crunch even resorting to the hoary old "mother's basement" cliché - while depicting a guy who loves Raisin Bran Crunch! Are they insulting the people who buy their cereal? Are they just idiots looking for a cheap laugh? Hey, why can't it be both?
Come to think of it, if this is really the best the ad wizards at Raisin Bran Crunch can come up with, maybe they should be taking unsolicited suggestions from slightly deranged members of the general public. I assume we'll be seeing the marketing director's phone number at the bottom of the next ad.
Giving your product "superfans" does not strike me as a terribly effective marketing gimmick. First of all, no one thinks these guys are real; we know you made them up. Second of all, superfans are not indicative of quality - look at the cult that exists around something like Spam, for fuck's sake. And third of all... why would you consciously make an ad campaign in which the only people who go ga-ga over your product are total fucking retards?
Dim Bulb 1: "So, if you work here, do you get free Raisin Bran Crunch?"
I believe this is a follow-up to another ad we didn't bother to take on, in which our motley crew of imbeciles tours the Raisin Bran Crunch plant. I'm a little surprised they were even let in the door. And I assume this guy's acting notes were, "Use your hands as much as possible?"
Dim Bulb 2: "Hey guys! I got the marketing director on the phone!"
I don't work in advertising, as I think I make clear often enough, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works.
Raisin Bran Crunch Marketing Director: Yes, Betty, who is it?
Betty: Sir, I have three members of the general public on the line.
RBCMD: I see...
Betty: I believe they want to pitch some taglines for the cereal.
RBCMD: Betty, you realize that we have an entire staff of people dedicated to thinking up taglines for Raisin Bran Crunch.
Betty: I'll just put them through, sir...
Dim Bulb Gang: Hello?
RBCMD: Note to self: fire Betty.
Dim Bulb 2: "It's time to pitch the taglines."
Dim Bulb 3: "The crunch is so great, it makes me salivate."
DB2: "Raisin Bran Crunch? More like Amazin' Bran Crunch."
DB3: "You'll really enjoy this cereal." [goofy, self-satisfied look]
DB1: "Raisin Bran Crunch - buy me some, Mom!"
[DB2 and DB3 stare at DB1]
This is basically exactly the same punchline as the first ad from this series that we talked about, wherein Dim Bulb 1 - referred to in that post as "Tool #3" - ends up the commercial by saying something so dumb/crazy/pathetic that his friends, who I think we can say are established as being pretty dumb/crazy/pathetic themselves, end up staring at him with these "I can't believe you just said that" looks.
But these are your characters. It's one thing in an initial ad where maybe this is just some goofy joke one-off. But we're now at the point where these guys are the Raisin Bran Crunch spokespeople. And maybe, just maybe, you don't want your spokespeople to be three guys who were deemed too embarrassing even to play the "Sales Guys" in an Alltel ad. I mean, here's Raisin Bran Crunch even resorting to the hoary old "mother's basement" cliché - while depicting a guy who loves Raisin Bran Crunch! Are they insulting the people who buy their cereal? Are they just idiots looking for a cheap laugh? Hey, why can't it be both?
Come to think of it, if this is really the best the ad wizards at Raisin Bran Crunch can come up with, maybe they should be taking unsolicited suggestions from slightly deranged members of the general public. I assume we'll be seeing the marketing director's phone number at the bottom of the next ad.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
You can never have too much bad commercial
Apparently we just got this California-based convenience store chain here in Chicago. The only reason I know this is because I can't get away from this commercial:
Wait a second -- a store that serves junk food? Why didn't I think of that?! Finally, a place where ol' Johnny Paycheck can shop after work and buy candy or chips or hot dogs that have been sitting on steel rollers under a heat lamp since the night before.
I'm not sure why we need another c-store chain. I'm also unclear as to how, exactly, am-pm is different than, say, 7-11. Maybe these lyrics will lend some insight:
When I get up or when I'm on my way home
Time to go 'cause I'm wanna have fun
The first guy we see is in a bathrobe - presumably he just "got up" and wanted to "have fun." So naturally he came to a convenience store to get soda.... in his bathrobe. I dunno, so far the clientele isn't exactly wowing me.
Now I'm in the zone, and it's no wonder
Gonna pick me up some fun and share with everyone that you know
"In the zone"?? How can you be "in the zone" when you're shopping at a convenience store? This isn't the NBA playoffs, it's filling up an enormous container with different types of soda. "He goes for the Mr. Pibb -- he pushes it... can he mix it with the grape Fanta? Wait for it -- Yes! Nails it! He's in the zone! He has created the most delicious soda combination in the history of snack shops."
Also, we see one of these guys putting ketchup on a hot dog. Uh, this commercial is specific to Chicago, right? Putting ketchup on a hot dog in Chicago could get you punched in the face at some establishments. It's a big no-no, and pretty inexcusable in an ad introducing a junk food hawker to Chicagoland.
(Question: is it just me, or is there a surprisingly loud and almost flatulent squirting sound when someone dumps a nameless condiment into some kind of bag? The quality of this video is so bad that I can't quite confirm that. If that is indeed a squirting sound, why they hell would they put that in there? "Humor"?)
Hey hey, go go, man, you can't beat this feeling
This good stuff's got me thinking
Nonsense. These lyrics are totally meaningless, and plus -- this whole song just reminds me of this brilliant South Park ditty. I'd say the lyrics are pretty much on par.
You can never have too much good stuff, Chicago
But we can definitely have too much junk food. That's definitely true. I mean, that's why they call it junk food, because it's terrible for you and you can most certainly have too much of it.
Overall, what's appetizing or appealing about the presentation of the food in this commercial? It's just heaps of colorful wrappers all mish-mashed together. And people doing stupid dances that aren't funny, or middle aged men making a soda cocktail, or waving a corndog in the air, or a fat guy carrying home his trashy haul in a baby's stroller. I think back to my college years, my junk food prime, and I just don't see this resonating with me. It's just weird and gross.
How about trying to make food look good? Or showing a nice close-up food shot? Or doing anything that makes am-pm seem at all different from about a thousand other stores that sell the same kind of crap?
Wait a second -- a store that serves junk food? Why didn't I think of that?! Finally, a place where ol' Johnny Paycheck can shop after work and buy candy or chips or hot dogs that have been sitting on steel rollers under a heat lamp since the night before.
I'm not sure why we need another c-store chain. I'm also unclear as to how, exactly, am-pm is different than, say, 7-11. Maybe these lyrics will lend some insight:
When I get up or when I'm on my way home
Time to go 'cause I'm wanna have fun
The first guy we see is in a bathrobe - presumably he just "got up" and wanted to "have fun." So naturally he came to a convenience store to get soda.... in his bathrobe. I dunno, so far the clientele isn't exactly wowing me.
Now I'm in the zone, and it's no wonder
Gonna pick me up some fun and share with everyone that you know
"In the zone"?? How can you be "in the zone" when you're shopping at a convenience store? This isn't the NBA playoffs, it's filling up an enormous container with different types of soda. "He goes for the Mr. Pibb -- he pushes it... can he mix it with the grape Fanta? Wait for it -- Yes! Nails it! He's in the zone! He has created the most delicious soda combination in the history of snack shops."
Also, we see one of these guys putting ketchup on a hot dog. Uh, this commercial is specific to Chicago, right? Putting ketchup on a hot dog in Chicago could get you punched in the face at some establishments. It's a big no-no, and pretty inexcusable in an ad introducing a junk food hawker to Chicagoland.
(Question: is it just me, or is there a surprisingly loud and almost flatulent squirting sound when someone dumps a nameless condiment into some kind of bag? The quality of this video is so bad that I can't quite confirm that. If that is indeed a squirting sound, why they hell would they put that in there? "Humor"?)
Hey hey, go go, man, you can't beat this feeling
This good stuff's got me thinking
Nonsense. These lyrics are totally meaningless, and plus -- this whole song just reminds me of this brilliant South Park ditty. I'd say the lyrics are pretty much on par.
You can never have too much good stuff, Chicago
But we can definitely have too much junk food. That's definitely true. I mean, that's why they call it junk food, because it's terrible for you and you can most certainly have too much of it.
Overall, what's appetizing or appealing about the presentation of the food in this commercial? It's just heaps of colorful wrappers all mish-mashed together. And people doing stupid dances that aren't funny, or middle aged men making a soda cocktail, or waving a corndog in the air, or a fat guy carrying home his trashy haul in a baby's stroller. I think back to my college years, my junk food prime, and I just don't see this resonating with me. It's just weird and gross.
How about trying to make food look good? Or showing a nice close-up food shot? Or doing anything that makes am-pm seem at all different from about a thousand other stores that sell the same kind of crap?
Monday, April 28, 2008
How about we just annoy the hell out of everybody?
Predictable stereotypes... Insipid music... Ham-fisted acting... Poor computer animation. All things we look for in today's TV commercials here at The Ad Wizards. But is there a company out there, you ask, with the vision and the fortitude to combine all of these qualities and distill them into one 30-second uber-commercial? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Dr Pepper...
Setting: A colorless college lecture hall.
OMG, school=teh gay. How BORING is class, right?! You nailed it, Dr Pepper! School is beyond dull. I can't believe no one's ever capitalized on this sentiment before.
Professor: Today we'll explore multiple personalities.
Prepare yourselves for a pretense so flimsy and delicate, Dr Pepper had to buy out Flavor Flav to make it work.
(a dude pops open can of Dr Pepper) (can comes alive through shitty CGI and begins to sing) Yeeeeaaa boi! You know I'm flava-flava-licious, explore my flavor before you miss it!
I like how the stoner character's head perks up from a sleeping state when the can starts singing. Didn't class just start? Oh right, I forgot it was school -- it's just that boring without Dr Pepper.
If the commercial ended here, with this embarrassing bit of corporate rap laid down by an animated pop can, it would be bad enough. But, no, they had to delve deeper into this "multiple personality" concept...
(can now starts singing about flavors in cheesy Mexican-style pop music) (then can sings in a toned-down metal band style about flavors) (the Professor dances) (a nerdy girl gives the can a devil horn sign)
Please stop. Please, please stop, Dr Pepper. Don't ever record music for your commercials again. It's soooooo bad. It's soooooooooooooo bad. And it's definitely not "so bad it's good" -- it's just flat out, unmitigated, no-holds-barred, lay-it-all-on-the-line donkey ass.
And is there a hackier scene in the history of cinema than "the curmudgeony old guy dances to loud music" or "the nerdy girl secretly shows her wild side"? It's not that I demand originality in each and every ad, it's just -- if you're going to use old material, can you at least execute it well?
23 Flavors, more to explore
Here's where they bring it all together. These "multiple personalities" (sorry for the fancy terminology, I hope I didn't put any Psychology 101 students to sleep right there!) are, in fact, the different flavors of Dr Pepper. Take one sip, and it tastes like Flavor Flav's rap music (whatever that would taste like)! Take another, and it's like having a mariachi band in your mouth! Take another -- hey, it's Fred Durst -- mmmmm... tangy!
Who experiences Dr Pepper like this, with this odd form of synesthesia? I'll acknowledge that it's definitely a unique flavor, and difficult to describe. But every sip tastes about the same to me, as long as I'm not on PCP at the time or something. So they claim to have "23 Flavors" -- problem is, no one knows what the hell those 23 flavors are. Wouldn't those flavors combine to form a relatively stable overall taste throughout the Dr Pepper drinking process?
This commercial is just an insane mash-up of little annoyances. Bad music, bad acting, bad concept, bad everything. But I am left wondering what, exactly, would Flavor Flav's music taste like? Maybe a little cherry mixed with some clove, a hint of dandelion, and an over-sized clock necklace aftertaste.
Setting: A colorless college lecture hall.
OMG, school=teh gay. How BORING is class, right?! You nailed it, Dr Pepper! School is beyond dull. I can't believe no one's ever capitalized on this sentiment before.
Professor: Today we'll explore multiple personalities.
Prepare yourselves for a pretense so flimsy and delicate, Dr Pepper had to buy out Flavor Flav to make it work.
(a dude pops open can of Dr Pepper) (can comes alive through shitty CGI and begins to sing) Yeeeeaaa boi! You know I'm flava-flava-licious, explore my flavor before you miss it!
I like how the stoner character's head perks up from a sleeping state when the can starts singing. Didn't class just start? Oh right, I forgot it was school -- it's just that boring without Dr Pepper.
If the commercial ended here, with this embarrassing bit of corporate rap laid down by an animated pop can, it would be bad enough. But, no, they had to delve deeper into this "multiple personality" concept...
(can now starts singing about flavors in cheesy Mexican-style pop music) (then can sings in a toned-down metal band style about flavors) (the Professor dances) (a nerdy girl gives the can a devil horn sign)
Please stop. Please, please stop, Dr Pepper. Don't ever record music for your commercials again. It's soooooo bad. It's soooooooooooooo bad. And it's definitely not "so bad it's good" -- it's just flat out, unmitigated, no-holds-barred, lay-it-all-on-the-line donkey ass.
And is there a hackier scene in the history of cinema than "the curmudgeony old guy dances to loud music" or "the nerdy girl secretly shows her wild side"? It's not that I demand originality in each and every ad, it's just -- if you're going to use old material, can you at least execute it well?
23 Flavors, more to explore
Here's where they bring it all together. These "multiple personalities" (sorry for the fancy terminology, I hope I didn't put any Psychology 101 students to sleep right there!) are, in fact, the different flavors of Dr Pepper. Take one sip, and it tastes like Flavor Flav's rap music (whatever that would taste like)! Take another, and it's like having a mariachi band in your mouth! Take another -- hey, it's Fred Durst -- mmmmm... tangy!
Who experiences Dr Pepper like this, with this odd form of synesthesia? I'll acknowledge that it's definitely a unique flavor, and difficult to describe. But every sip tastes about the same to me, as long as I'm not on PCP at the time or something. So they claim to have "23 Flavors" -- problem is, no one knows what the hell those 23 flavors are. Wouldn't those flavors combine to form a relatively stable overall taste throughout the Dr Pepper drinking process?
This commercial is just an insane mash-up of little annoyances. Bad music, bad acting, bad concept, bad everything. But I am left wondering what, exactly, would Flavor Flav's music taste like? Maybe a little cherry mixed with some clove, a hint of dandelion, and an over-sized clock necklace aftertaste.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Man, that's some good carpet
Anyone who has lived in the Chicagoland area is familiar with the advertising phenomenon that is Luna Flooring. Their phone number, along with fellow Chicago carpet maker Empire Today's, is forever embedded in everyone's brain, "7-7-3, 2-Oh-2.... (beep beep beep beep) LUNA!" They also make bad, bad, low-budget commercials. Their latest offering, however, might be their most inexplicably imbecile yet. Observe:
Wife: I love you. You're so gorgeous and warm.
Hmm, who is she talking to? A baby maybe. Or a pet perhaps? Or maybe she's cheating on her husband, and she just got caught! Or maybe....
Wife: I feel so comfortable around you. (sees husband) Oh, hi sweetie!
..... Oh. She was talking to the carpet. Because this is something people do, apparently. Also, she should be far more embarrassed to have someone walk in on her while she's having a conversation with carpeting.
Not that anyone who's not employed by a carpet manufacturer would know, but the use of both "comfortable" and "warm" in this commercial are puns -- carpet being more "comfortable" and "warm underfoot" than, say, hardwood flooring. The lesson is: goofy industry jokes don't really work in 30 second spots.
Husband: Are you talking to our new carpet again?
She's done this before? If this is a regular occurrence around the house, then it's gone beyond "cute, kinda weird behavior" to "all-out insanity." Please consider psychiatric help.
Wife: I'm so glad I chose you. And you were free!
It was only free if it was the "second room," whatever that means. So this part is a little misleading.
Husband: (shakes head in amused disbelief)
I'm telling you, dude, psychiatric help. That's what you need in this situation. It's not just an eccentricity, it's a medical problem.
"Luna Flooring: we lace our carpets with jimson weed and ecstasy so that you'll really love your floors."
Wife: I love you. You're so gorgeous and warm.
Hmm, who is she talking to? A baby maybe. Or a pet perhaps? Or maybe she's cheating on her husband, and she just got caught! Or maybe....
Wife: I feel so comfortable around you. (sees husband) Oh, hi sweetie!
..... Oh. She was talking to the carpet. Because this is something people do, apparently. Also, she should be far more embarrassed to have someone walk in on her while she's having a conversation with carpeting.
Not that anyone who's not employed by a carpet manufacturer would know, but the use of both "comfortable" and "warm" in this commercial are puns -- carpet being more "comfortable" and "warm underfoot" than, say, hardwood flooring. The lesson is: goofy industry jokes don't really work in 30 second spots.
Husband: Are you talking to our new carpet again?
She's done this before? If this is a regular occurrence around the house, then it's gone beyond "cute, kinda weird behavior" to "all-out insanity." Please consider psychiatric help.
Wife: I'm so glad I chose you. And you were free!
It was only free if it was the "second room," whatever that means. So this part is a little misleading.
Husband: (shakes head in amused disbelief)
I'm telling you, dude, psychiatric help. That's what you need in this situation. It's not just an eccentricity, it's a medical problem.
"Luna Flooring: we lace our carpets with jimson weed and ecstasy so that you'll really love your floors."
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Flunkin' Donuts
Here's another sorry attempt at being clever from Dunkin' Donuts (and the ubiquitous and effervescent Rachael Ray):
Visual: Little men approach gigantic, packaged Dunkin' Donuts breakfast menu items clad in welding uniforms. They turn on their torches, the camera pans back to reveal.... it was all going on inside an industrial microwave!
(gasps) (looks around in astonishment) "Who saw that comin'!?" (faints) (in dream, recalls Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness") (regains consciousness) My God! (sits down to come to terms with what was just seen)
Rachael Ray: That is not how they toast these.
Some Woman: Well, something amazing is going on in that oven.
Oh, you mean toasting? You mean the act of heated coils raising the temperature of food items inside an oven? Yeah, that is amazing... I guess. It's amazing if you find the incredibly mundane to be "amazing."
Rachael Ray (extra-raspily): Well, you got that right.
And we bring the absurdity on home with some folksy Rachael Ray charm. I guess I expected more from the ending of this commercial than just some throw-away cliché. You go from miniature dudes heating up food inside an oven to a conversation between Rachael Ray and a random person, and then there's basically no ending. No payoff, no unique tagline -- nothing.
Basically what Dunkin' Donuts wants us, the consumers, to think about their breakfast is: they use ovens to heat up their food. Mm. They don't want us to know what new items they're offering, how early they open, how tasty their food is, or how affordable their products are. They just want us to think "Food Hot, Rachael Ray Cute. Me Go Now To Dunkin' Donuts."
/Fail
Visual: Little men approach gigantic, packaged Dunkin' Donuts breakfast menu items clad in welding uniforms. They turn on their torches, the camera pans back to reveal.... it was all going on inside an industrial microwave!
(gasps) (looks around in astonishment) "Who saw that comin'!?" (faints) (in dream, recalls Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness") (regains consciousness) My God! (sits down to come to terms with what was just seen)
Rachael Ray: That is not how they toast these.
Some Woman: Well, something amazing is going on in that oven.
Oh, you mean toasting? You mean the act of heated coils raising the temperature of food items inside an oven? Yeah, that is amazing... I guess. It's amazing if you find the incredibly mundane to be "amazing."
Rachael Ray (extra-raspily): Well, you got that right.
And we bring the absurdity on home with some folksy Rachael Ray charm. I guess I expected more from the ending of this commercial than just some throw-away cliché. You go from miniature dudes heating up food inside an oven to a conversation between Rachael Ray and a random person, and then there's basically no ending. No payoff, no unique tagline -- nothing.
Basically what Dunkin' Donuts wants us, the consumers, to think about their breakfast is: they use ovens to heat up their food. Mm. They don't want us to know what new items they're offering, how early they open, how tasty their food is, or how affordable their products are. They just want us to think "Food Hot, Rachael Ray Cute. Me Go Now To Dunkin' Donuts."
/Fail
Monday, February 25, 2008
Forget about make sense
In the spirit of Windier's SalesGenie.com write-up yesterday, I'd like to add on to the list of advertisers who value "cuteness" and "presentation" over "being clear" and "grammar." Behold a print ad from Quaker Oats that will confound the ages:
"Forget about use your words.
I know he likes it."
First of all, what the fuck are you trying to say. This is the opposite of a "quick read," which is what you'd want if you're trying to grab the attention of someone thumbing through ads in Real Simple magazine. I'm thinking maybe this ad was originally made in Finnish, and the Quaker US team just Babelfished the copy into English and ran with it. Is this ad truly comprehensible without someone walking you through it?
Let me take a shot at rewriting this ad to what I think Quaker was trying to say:
Forget about "use your words."
I know he likes it.
Here's a free lesson on quotation marks: they don't go around every headline. It's so much clearer when you just use them around a colloquialism or phrase, like "use your words." Now, you can argue whether or not "use your words" is still a common phrase. I know my mother never said it to me. I guess the concept here is that this oatmeal is so good, a child can communicate his preference with the elegant gesture of holding up an empty bowl. It's a weak, tired idea as is, but when it's veiled in an ungrammatical clusterfuck of quoted words, it's damn near impossible to understand.
The visuals aren't stimulating, either. What is appetizing, I ask you, about an empty, dirty cereal bowl that takes up half the page? What about that makes me want to buy oatmeal? And, is that little boy wearing eye shadow?
Quaker, you get an "F" on this one-- "F" as in, "Forget about make ads. I know you're ignorant clods."
"Forget about use your words.
I know he likes it."
First of all, what the fuck are you trying to say. This is the opposite of a "quick read," which is what you'd want if you're trying to grab the attention of someone thumbing through ads in Real Simple magazine. I'm thinking maybe this ad was originally made in Finnish, and the Quaker US team just Babelfished the copy into English and ran with it. Is this ad truly comprehensible without someone walking you through it?
Let me take a shot at rewriting this ad to what I think Quaker was trying to say:
Forget about "use your words."
I know he likes it.
Here's a free lesson on quotation marks: they don't go around every headline. It's so much clearer when you just use them around a colloquialism or phrase, like "use your words." Now, you can argue whether or not "use your words" is still a common phrase. I know my mother never said it to me. I guess the concept here is that this oatmeal is so good, a child can communicate his preference with the elegant gesture of holding up an empty bowl. It's a weak, tired idea as is, but when it's veiled in an ungrammatical clusterfuck of quoted words, it's damn near impossible to understand.
The visuals aren't stimulating, either. What is appetizing, I ask you, about an empty, dirty cereal bowl that takes up half the page? What about that makes me want to buy oatmeal? And, is that little boy wearing eye shadow?
Quaker, you get an "F" on this one-- "F" as in, "Forget about make ads. I know you're ignorant clods."
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Meta-meta editorializing
Proof that advertising copywriters have big-time crushes on themselves:
Bespectacled Ice Breakers Man: New Ice Breakers Wellness gum has antioxidants from Vitamin C. Pretty cool!
This whole commercial sounds like the characters are reading stage directions. When you're talking about your product, just say what you have to say. Don't tell me how I'm supposed to react. If I think something's "pretty cool," I'll say it to myself.
Also, your product has antioxidants from Vitamin C. So? Lots of stupid, fake crap has Vitamin C in it.
Juggling-for-some-reason Ice Breakers Man: Really? Just "pretty cool"? It's antioxidants! In your gum! How about "stellar" or "phenomenal"?
How desperate are these people? And how obsessively proud of themselves are they? "Look, ladies and gentlemen, the Ice Breakers company just turned the gum world on its fucking ear. We took regular, boring, non-stellar gum, and then we added this new wonder compound called Vitamin frickin' C. Sounds crazy, right? Well, prepare to be shocked -- Vitamin C, it turns out, has anti-motherflippin'-oxidants!! Totally nuts! Totally phenomenal!!"
Also, whoever wrote this ad, congratulations on knowing two moderately big words.
Bespectacled Ice Breakers Man: Not bad. Let's schedule a sit-down with Marketing.
Scene: (Dusk falls on the skyline of Manhattan. In a dimly-lit 16th floor window office of a Madison Avenue skyscraper, an aging copywriter rests his hands on the keyboard of a 1999 Dell OptiPlex as he gazes up at motivational posters on his wall. Three empty bottles of Green Apple Smirnoff Ice sit on a desk.)
Dramatic Personae:
Frank, middle-aged copywriting hack
John, slightly younger copywriting hack apprentice
John (entering): Got anything yet? It's almost 8 o'clock -- I want to go home soon.
Frank (pushing bottles into trash bin): Oh, hey. Yeah, I've been thinking about something. How about a scene where two wannabe copywriters are sitting around talking about how great this gum is, trying to describe it.
John: Hmm. I like it. It's identifiable -- everyone wishes they could write ads, because they see what an awesome job we do of it. But, what about instead of people, it were the gum itself talking!
Frank: Ohh, man! I'm smelling a promotion!
John: Yeah, so this gum is sitting around. The first gum says... I dunno, whatever the fuck about Ice Breakers. What's something we know about this stuff?
Frank: (checks label of gum for first time) Um... it has trace amounts of Vitamin C?
John: Perfect! So the first gum says that it's "pretty cool." Then the second gum is like "Pretty cool? More like -- " .... I dunno, what's another word for "cool"?
Frank: (checks Thesaurus for first time) ...... "Stellar"? "Phenomenal"?
John: Sure! Why not? It's like we're showing people how we write commercials, in a commercial! Now how do we pay it all off...
Frank: Hey, remember how everyone wants to be ad writers?! How about we say something like "Not bad, let's schedule a sit-down with Marketing"?
John: Yes! That's it! God, our jobs are awesome.
Frank: Seriously, writing ads is the coolest job ever.
John: We get to say whatever we think of first, pretend we're funny, and make references to ourselves all the time!
Frank: Hey, wanna go have sex with our portfolios in front of a mirror?
John: Totally. Don't forget your Prozac!
FIN
Bespectacled Ice Breakers Man: New Ice Breakers Wellness gum has antioxidants from Vitamin C. Pretty cool!
This whole commercial sounds like the characters are reading stage directions. When you're talking about your product, just say what you have to say. Don't tell me how I'm supposed to react. If I think something's "pretty cool," I'll say it to myself.
Also, your product has antioxidants from Vitamin C. So? Lots of stupid, fake crap has Vitamin C in it.
Juggling-for-some-reason Ice Breakers Man: Really? Just "pretty cool"? It's antioxidants! In your gum! How about "stellar" or "phenomenal"?
How desperate are these people? And how obsessively proud of themselves are they? "Look, ladies and gentlemen, the Ice Breakers company just turned the gum world on its fucking ear. We took regular, boring, non-stellar gum, and then we added this new wonder compound called Vitamin frickin' C. Sounds crazy, right? Well, prepare to be shocked -- Vitamin C, it turns out, has anti-motherflippin'-oxidants!! Totally nuts! Totally phenomenal!!"
Also, whoever wrote this ad, congratulations on knowing two moderately big words.
Bespectacled Ice Breakers Man: Not bad. Let's schedule a sit-down with Marketing.
Scene: (Dusk falls on the skyline of Manhattan. In a dimly-lit 16th floor window office of a Madison Avenue skyscraper, an aging copywriter rests his hands on the keyboard of a 1999 Dell OptiPlex as he gazes up at motivational posters on his wall. Three empty bottles of Green Apple Smirnoff Ice sit on a desk.)
Dramatic Personae:
Frank, middle-aged copywriting hack
John, slightly younger copywriting hack apprentice
John (entering): Got anything yet? It's almost 8 o'clock -- I want to go home soon.
Frank (pushing bottles into trash bin): Oh, hey. Yeah, I've been thinking about something. How about a scene where two wannabe copywriters are sitting around talking about how great this gum is, trying to describe it.
John: Hmm. I like it. It's identifiable -- everyone wishes they could write ads, because they see what an awesome job we do of it. But, what about instead of people, it were the gum itself talking!
Frank: Ohh, man! I'm smelling a promotion!
John: Yeah, so this gum is sitting around. The first gum says... I dunno, whatever the fuck about Ice Breakers. What's something we know about this stuff?
Frank: (checks label of gum for first time) Um... it has trace amounts of Vitamin C?
John: Perfect! So the first gum says that it's "pretty cool." Then the second gum is like "Pretty cool? More like -- " .... I dunno, what's another word for "cool"?
Frank: (checks Thesaurus for first time) ...... "Stellar"? "Phenomenal"?
John: Sure! Why not? It's like we're showing people how we write commercials, in a commercial! Now how do we pay it all off...
Frank: Hey, remember how everyone wants to be ad writers?! How about we say something like "Not bad, let's schedule a sit-down with Marketing"?
John: Yes! That's it! God, our jobs are awesome.
Frank: Seriously, writing ads is the coolest job ever.
John: We get to say whatever we think of first, pretend we're funny, and make references to ourselves all the time!
Frank: Hey, wanna go have sex with our portfolios in front of a mirror?
John: Totally. Don't forget your Prozac!
FIN
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Is there a doctor in the pancake house?
The International House of Pancakes, not known for epic storytelling in their advertising, has disgorged a shockingly complex :15 spot. It's a tale of suspense, disappointment, elation, sumptuous climax, and denouement with a surprising medical twist. Take a look:
Setting: A doctor's waiting room.
Well, I'm hungry. Big beige room, dull, forgettable corporate art on the walls, medical journals strewn about, graphic anatomy posters. Man, you know what sounds good right now? French toast and a side of hash browns.
Nurse: Desmond!
Desmond and People in Waiting Room: (hold up forks)
It's like Paula Deen guest-directed an episode of ER. Obviously, this scene is unspeakably stupid. But the strangest thing to me is, why does everyone get excited when the nurse calls out Desmond's name? They're all hoping the nurse confuses them with Desmond?
Nurse: - the doctor will see you now.
Ahh, okay. The pancake doctor. Making more sense now.
Announcer: It's Fruit Crepe Fever.
People suffering from fruit crepe fever have come to the IHOP Clinic to see the waffle doctor. That is the concept of this commercial. Read it one more time. That is the motherhumping concept of this commercial. Think of all the people who had to see this ad before it saw air time -- ad agency people, IHOP people, film production people, actors, actresses, Desmond, media buying people, lawyers, general pancake practitioners. No one, not even a quality control person, said "Wait a second, this commercial is like Luis Bunuel-absurd" or "This makes me embarrassed to be alive" or "People will sue IHOP when their eyes fall out after watching this."
NOTE: For purposes of this close-reading of IHOP's ad, I'm ignoring the mispronunciation of "crepe." CRAPE is, sadly, the accepted Americanized way to pronounce "crepe," as seen, for instance, in the GE Cafe Range "webisode," so I'm not going to bother harping on it.
Announcer: Sweet cream cheese, luscious fruit and delectable crepes
It bothers me when ads editorialize like this, especially food ads. Why can't you say "Cream cheese, fruit and golden crepes" or something less salesman-like? The audience can ascertain that the fruit is luscious and the crepes delectable from your presentation of them in the video. Just be sensible, and let your viewers think for themselves for a while...
Aw, fuck it --
"Jaw-droppingly delicious, extra-thick creamy cream cheese, tongue-strokingly flavorful, mouth-gushing, ambrosia-like fruit, all wrapped up in a bacchanalian, syrup-drunk, tooth-ramming crepe orgy."
Announcer: Served with all your favorites, only at IHOP. (Desmond's temperature is checked by the IHOP waitress/doctor and nurse.)
So this man's medical treatment by the aforementioned "doctor" is a pile of fruit and cream cheese crepes, a breakfast plate of hash browns, eggs, and three kinds of meat (bacon, ham and sausage), a pot of coffee, a jug of OJ, and a pitcher of water, presumably all to himself. Doesn't it go beyond just stupid to downright wrong to even suggest that a trip to IHOP might be medically beneficial? I probably don't need to convince you that that meal is a coronary, and that's a good thing -- because I have no nutritional info. For some reason, fast food companies are required to post things like fat, calories and the like for all of their products, but a company that claims it serves 700 million pancakes a year gets a free nutritional pass. Here I quote from ihop.com:
» Is nutritional information available?
IHOP offers a wide variety of food that should allow most people to choose a meal that suits their dietary needs. We do not maintain nutritional data on our food.
That is not right.
From what I can gather on other diet sites, one 2oz crepe, with no butter, syrup, sweet cream chesse or luscious fruit is 120 calories and 6 grams of fat. Now add in the other ingredients. Now multiply it by three. Now combine that with all the other food and drink they showed on Desmond's table. Now vomit.
There exist people out there in America who lack the resources to know how bad that meal is for them, because IHOP won't tell anyone. Because they do not maintain nutritional data on their food.
"Dear Acme Poison Co., is safety information available?"
"Acme Poison Co. offers a wide variety of poison that should allow most people to choose a poison that suits their safety needs. We do not maintain safety data on our poison."
Announcer: Come hungry, leave happy.
And remember, folks: a cream-filled pancake drenched-in-sugar a day keeps the doctor away!
Setting: A doctor's waiting room.
Well, I'm hungry. Big beige room, dull, forgettable corporate art on the walls, medical journals strewn about, graphic anatomy posters. Man, you know what sounds good right now? French toast and a side of hash browns.
Nurse: Desmond!
Desmond and People in Waiting Room: (hold up forks)
It's like Paula Deen guest-directed an episode of ER. Obviously, this scene is unspeakably stupid. But the strangest thing to me is, why does everyone get excited when the nurse calls out Desmond's name? They're all hoping the nurse confuses them with Desmond?
Nurse: - the doctor will see you now.
Ahh, okay. The pancake doctor. Making more sense now.
Announcer: It's Fruit Crepe Fever.
People suffering from fruit crepe fever have come to the IHOP Clinic to see the waffle doctor. That is the concept of this commercial. Read it one more time. That is the motherhumping concept of this commercial. Think of all the people who had to see this ad before it saw air time -- ad agency people, IHOP people, film production people, actors, actresses, Desmond, media buying people, lawyers, general pancake practitioners. No one, not even a quality control person, said "Wait a second, this commercial is like Luis Bunuel-absurd" or "This makes me embarrassed to be alive" or "People will sue IHOP when their eyes fall out after watching this."
NOTE: For purposes of this close-reading of IHOP's ad, I'm ignoring the mispronunciation of "crepe." CRAPE is, sadly, the accepted Americanized way to pronounce "crepe," as seen, for instance, in the GE Cafe Range "webisode," so I'm not going to bother harping on it.
Announcer: Sweet cream cheese, luscious fruit and delectable crepes
It bothers me when ads editorialize like this, especially food ads. Why can't you say "Cream cheese, fruit and golden crepes" or something less salesman-like? The audience can ascertain that the fruit is luscious and the crepes delectable from your presentation of them in the video. Just be sensible, and let your viewers think for themselves for a while...
Aw, fuck it --
"Jaw-droppingly delicious, extra-thick creamy cream cheese, tongue-strokingly flavorful, mouth-gushing, ambrosia-like fruit, all wrapped up in a bacchanalian, syrup-drunk, tooth-ramming crepe orgy."
Announcer: Served with all your favorites, only at IHOP. (Desmond's temperature is checked by the IHOP waitress/doctor and nurse.)
So this man's medical treatment by the aforementioned "doctor" is a pile of fruit and cream cheese crepes, a breakfast plate of hash browns, eggs, and three kinds of meat (bacon, ham and sausage), a pot of coffee, a jug of OJ, and a pitcher of water, presumably all to himself. Doesn't it go beyond just stupid to downright wrong to even suggest that a trip to IHOP might be medically beneficial? I probably don't need to convince you that that meal is a coronary, and that's a good thing -- because I have no nutritional info. For some reason, fast food companies are required to post things like fat, calories and the like for all of their products, but a company that claims it serves 700 million pancakes a year gets a free nutritional pass. Here I quote from ihop.com:
» Is nutritional information available?
IHOP offers a wide variety of food that should allow most people to choose a meal that suits their dietary needs. We do not maintain nutritional data on our food.
That is not right.
From what I can gather on other diet sites, one 2oz crepe, with no butter, syrup, sweet cream chesse or luscious fruit is 120 calories and 6 grams of fat. Now add in the other ingredients. Now multiply it by three. Now combine that with all the other food and drink they showed on Desmond's table. Now vomit.
There exist people out there in America who lack the resources to know how bad that meal is for them, because IHOP won't tell anyone. Because they do not maintain nutritional data on their food.
"Dear Acme Poison Co., is safety information available?"
"Acme Poison Co. offers a wide variety of poison that should allow most people to choose a poison that suits their safety needs. We do not maintain safety data on our poison."
Announcer: Come hungry, leave happy.
And remember, folks: a cream-filled pancake drenched-in-sugar a day keeps the doctor away!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Rich Hall must be rolling around in his grave
Hey, remember Sniglets? You know, "words that should be in the dictionary, but aren't?" I can't tell if Comcast is hoping you do or hoping you don't:
Oh man, Comcast. Let me see if I can identify all the reasons this commercial is absolutely retarded:
1) It fails to get to the point for the first 23 seconds of a 30 second ad. Instead, we get treated to a discussion of "cankles" - also a Sniglet of sorts! - and a guy looking annoyed because, you know, women and the way they talk on the phone to other women right when something manly like a big movie explosion is about to happen.
2) It becomes approximately the 45,372,986th ad in history to use a ludicrously broad stereotype of one sex or the other for laughs. (I'm sorry, "laffs.")
3) It suggests that the ability to use a TV and phone at the same time is somehow a feature that is only made possible by Comcast service. Here are some other things besides the Comcast Triple Play that I'm pretty sure will get the "entertainment + communication" job done, however:
* DVD player, cell phone
* VCR, rotary phone
* Betamax, tin cans with a string between them
* Zoopraxiscope, Aldis lamp
Those wacky females! Always tapping away on the telegraph while I'm attempting to watch the latest Edison short! Worse still, the pause button won't be invented for nearly a century! I'm never going to find out whether the moon gets that rocket out of its face or not.
4) The ad was clearly written by someone with a minimal grasp of the rules of English. Let's take a look at what's on that definition screen:
Phoruption (phor•up•shen) v.
1. Pausing an On Demand movie to take a phone call.
The only problem One of the many problems, but the most glaring when it comes to the fact that the entire commercial is building itself around this faux dictionary definition, is that "phoruption," if it were a real word, would not be a verb. The obvious basis for this is the word "interruption," which, in case you didn't pass third grade, is a fucking noun. Then, of course, the definition is worded as if for a verb. Would it have been that hard to make this "phorupting" instead? What about this was difficult? Don't college graduates work in advertising?
Oddly, this may be the least obnoxious ad of the three I've seen in this campaign, if only because they don't try to actually have the actors work the fake word into conversation as though it were some interesting new bit of slang.
Haw haw! We crammed the three products we offer into one awkward word that's so long and clunky no one would ever, ever use it in real life! We're geniuses! Note that in this ad, they don't even list a part of speech, like they couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be and were unwilling to risk a wrong guess. Maybe the slightly smarter people at the agency worked on that one.
Please also note the Youtube username that posted these clips: "comcastslanguage." These aren't just goofy one-offs. They would seriously love it if people started using these fake, stupid-sounding, unfunny and unnecessary words to describe the wholly mundane activities in which they can partake due to - unusually! - having a television, computer, and phone in their house. Maybe we should coin a new word to describe such awkward attempts at hipness. I'd say it's a tossup between "lamebarrassing" and "stupathetarded."
Oh man, Comcast. Let me see if I can identify all the reasons this commercial is absolutely retarded:
1) It fails to get to the point for the first 23 seconds of a 30 second ad. Instead, we get treated to a discussion of "cankles" - also a Sniglet of sorts! - and a guy looking annoyed because, you know, women and the way they talk on the phone to other women right when something manly like a big movie explosion is about to happen.
2) It becomes approximately the 45,372,986th ad in history to use a ludicrously broad stereotype of one sex or the other for laughs. (I'm sorry, "laffs.")
3) It suggests that the ability to use a TV and phone at the same time is somehow a feature that is only made possible by Comcast service. Here are some other things besides the Comcast Triple Play that I'm pretty sure will get the "entertainment + communication" job done, however:
* DVD player, cell phone
* VCR, rotary phone
* Betamax, tin cans with a string between them
* Zoopraxiscope, Aldis lamp
Those wacky females! Always tapping away on the telegraph while I'm attempting to watch the latest Edison short! Worse still, the pause button won't be invented for nearly a century! I'm never going to find out whether the moon gets that rocket out of its face or not.
4) The ad was clearly written by someone with a minimal grasp of the rules of English. Let's take a look at what's on that definition screen:
Phoruption (phor•up•shen) v.
1. Pausing an On Demand movie to take a phone call.
Oddly, this may be the least obnoxious ad of the three I've seen in this campaign, if only because they don't try to actually have the actors work the fake word into conversation as though it were some interesting new bit of slang.
Haw haw! We crammed the three products we offer into one awkward word that's so long and clunky no one would ever, ever use it in real life! We're geniuses! Note that in this ad, they don't even list a part of speech, like they couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be and were unwilling to risk a wrong guess. Maybe the slightly smarter people at the agency worked on that one.
Please also note the Youtube username that posted these clips: "comcastslanguage." These aren't just goofy one-offs. They would seriously love it if people started using these fake, stupid-sounding, unfunny and unnecessary words to describe the wholly mundane activities in which they can partake due to - unusually! - having a television, computer, and phone in their house. Maybe we should coin a new word to describe such awkward attempts at hipness. I'd say it's a tossup between "lamebarrassing" and "stupathetarded."
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Multimedia presentation
We focus primarily on television advertising here, and rightly so. However, print and radio ads (the latter in particular) can sometimes be even more abhorrent; they're just harder to reproduce. In this case, however, I happened to be driving through Ohio and noticed this sign outside the men's room at a rest area.
It may be hard to read that smaller text, but basically it's using the larger words to make full sentences, like "you JUST have to see it to believe it." Whatever. Kind of a lame device, but not what makes this stupid.
Let me reiterate: this was outside the men's room. "Can you just hold it for 30 more minutes?" Um, why is that necessary? I'm about to walk into the men's room. I'm pretty sure the family can wait 30 seconds before we decide to randomly interrupt our scheduled trip to stop off at a waterpark. Who is this ad marketing to? Are there people who drive around with their swim trunks on in case they should happen to find themselves in waterpark country? Don't you sort of have to want to go to one in the first place? Also, take very careful note of the message: "Hold your urine for 30 more minutes, until you arrive at our waterpark!" Can't spell "waterpark" without "p," can you?
I don't know. Am I expecting too much out of a waterpark that names itself after one of the world's largest deserts?
It may be hard to read that smaller text, but basically it's using the larger words to make full sentences, like "you JUST have to see it to believe it." Whatever. Kind of a lame device, but not what makes this stupid.
Let me reiterate: this was outside the men's room. "Can you just hold it for 30 more minutes?" Um, why is that necessary? I'm about to walk into the men's room. I'm pretty sure the family can wait 30 seconds before we decide to randomly interrupt our scheduled trip to stop off at a waterpark. Who is this ad marketing to? Are there people who drive around with their swim trunks on in case they should happen to find themselves in waterpark country? Don't you sort of have to want to go to one in the first place? Also, take very careful note of the message: "Hold your urine for 30 more minutes, until you arrive at our waterpark!" Can't spell "waterpark" without "p," can you?
I don't know. Am I expecting too much out of a waterpark that names itself after one of the world's largest deserts?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Shopping Mall Cowboys
Your typical diamond commercial usually pressures men into buying jewelry for sexual benefit, best illustrated in cartoon form here. Zales' Valentine's Day spot from last year takes a different, more indirect approach:
Are these guys supposed to be men's men? Because that is the weakest, most delicate-sounding high five ever caught on tape. Consider this: these guys are high fiving each other because they saw the other one carrying a tiny black plastic bag. I guess the first guy was thinking, "Dude, that guy totally got his wife something at Zales, too! What should I do? Kiss him right on the face? Nah, a little too obvious. Maybe I'll give him just a vaguely homoerotic wave, then slap him some skin in front of a crowded mall for apparently no reason."
I also love when retailers make an ad that tries to sell just one particular product, in this case the relatively tacky Diamond Heart Pendant. Basically what this commercial is trying to say is:
"Have no idea what to get your lady friend for Valentine's Day? Want to spend a lot of money without having to think about stuff? Get something with a lot of shitty-quality diamonds that's shaped like a heart. Hearts mean you love her!"
I mean, yeah, it's diamonds, but it's $200 worth of diamonds. Who would buy something like that? A rugged, stubbly, high-fivin', mini-bag-carryin' manly man, that's who.
"Zales - Yee-haw."
Are these guys supposed to be men's men? Because that is the weakest, most delicate-sounding high five ever caught on tape. Consider this: these guys are high fiving each other because they saw the other one carrying a tiny black plastic bag. I guess the first guy was thinking, "Dude, that guy totally got his wife something at Zales, too! What should I do? Kiss him right on the face? Nah, a little too obvious. Maybe I'll give him just a vaguely homoerotic wave, then slap him some skin in front of a crowded mall for apparently no reason."
I also love when retailers make an ad that tries to sell just one particular product, in this case the relatively tacky Diamond Heart Pendant. Basically what this commercial is trying to say is:
"Have no idea what to get your lady friend for Valentine's Day? Want to spend a lot of money without having to think about stuff? Get something with a lot of shitty-quality diamonds that's shaped like a heart. Hearts mean you love her!"
I mean, yeah, it's diamonds, but it's $200 worth of diamonds. Who would buy something like that? A rugged, stubbly, high-fivin', mini-bag-carryin' manly man, that's who.
"Zales - Yee-haw."
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Al Qaeda runs on Starbucks
It's a rare treat to get a truly xenophobic ad. But fortunately, the good people at Dunkin' Donuts were able to fit one into their busy schedule of shitty ad making.
Nice to see the first 23 seconds of a 30-second ad taken up by this pathetic excuse for a song. It doesn't seem to have very many chords, but whatever the number, they've led to an embarrassingly monotone delivery by the singers. You could probably argue that this was intentional, but that just makes it a bad choice. If you're using a song to sell a product, even one that's really just trying to tear down a competitor, couldn't you make it a little more listenable than this? Never mind that some of the things in the song aren't even from other languages (half-caf is an English-language abbreviation, you stupid shits), or for that matter that the people singing are obviously able to pronounce each and every one of the words they suggest are unpronounceable.
Of course the song is far from the commercial's greatest offense. That would be John Goodman's ensuing voiceover:
"Delicious lattes from Dunkin' Donuts. You order them in English, not Fritalian."
Crimes:
(1) implying that using words borrowed from other languages is a bad thing, despite the fact that modern English makes heavy use of loan words
(2) suggesting that Americans have some kind of sacred responsibility to speak English and English alone
(3) forgetting that the word "latte" is itself a "Fritalian" word, even though they included it in their song 20 seconds earlier
Just let the irony of #3 sink in. Ordering lattes in English! Hate to ruin the party, Department of Homeland Donuts, but latte is a shortened version of caffè latte, which is Italian for coffee with milk. Read it and weep, bitches. You can't order a motherfucking latte in English. The person who wrote this ad has an IQ of 38.
Do you think if I go into Dunkin' Donuts and order a "large iced hazelnut milk," that they'll get confused? Because they shouldn't! I'm just ordering in English, like all right-thinking, non-pinko coffee-drinking Americans! If the terrorists want coffee, they can just go to CommieBucks and get their venti mocha half-caf whatevers with all the other beret-wearing, baguette-carrying traitors. America runs on Dunkin!
Nice to see the first 23 seconds of a 30-second ad taken up by this pathetic excuse for a song. It doesn't seem to have very many chords, but whatever the number, they've led to an embarrassingly monotone delivery by the singers. You could probably argue that this was intentional, but that just makes it a bad choice. If you're using a song to sell a product, even one that's really just trying to tear down a competitor, couldn't you make it a little more listenable than this? Never mind that some of the things in the song aren't even from other languages (half-caf is an English-language abbreviation, you stupid shits), or for that matter that the people singing are obviously able to pronounce each and every one of the words they suggest are unpronounceable.
Of course the song is far from the commercial's greatest offense. That would be John Goodman's ensuing voiceover:
"Delicious lattes from Dunkin' Donuts. You order them in English, not Fritalian."
Crimes:
(1) implying that using words borrowed from other languages is a bad thing, despite the fact that modern English makes heavy use of loan words
(2) suggesting that Americans have some kind of sacred responsibility to speak English and English alone
(3) forgetting that the word "latte" is itself a "Fritalian" word, even though they included it in their song 20 seconds earlier
Just let the irony of #3 sink in. Ordering lattes in English! Hate to ruin the party, Department of Homeland Donuts, but latte is a shortened version of caffè latte, which is Italian for coffee with milk. Read it and weep, bitches. You can't order a motherfucking latte in English. The person who wrote this ad has an IQ of 38.
Do you think if I go into Dunkin' Donuts and order a "large iced hazelnut milk," that they'll get confused? Because they shouldn't! I'm just ordering in English, like all right-thinking, non-pinko coffee-drinking Americans! If the terrorists want coffee, they can just go to CommieBucks and get their venti mocha half-caf whatevers with all the other beret-wearing, baguette-carrying traitors. America runs on Dunkin!
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