It's nice to know that, as a man, less than nothing is expected of me.
Is there really a man on the planet who would think that "Dear Kim: Your rack is unreal" is an appropriate sentiment to put on a Valentine's Day card? Or any card? Come on. I know this is hyperbole, but surely this guy could have choked out the most basic thing like "I love you," right?
Teleflora's 2009 ad went with the curious tactic of claiming that it didn't do something that none of its competitors was doing either. This year, they're going with just calling their potential customers morons, which I'm sure is always real good for sales. Here's the pitch:
"Teleflora says it beautifully. Because frankly, you can't."
Well, I can't turn into a flower and stuff myself into a vase, but otherwise I'm pretty sure I can get this shit handled, assholes. I don't think you have sonnet writers on staff over there.
Also, so, okay. The guy is already sending flowers; he's just writing a shitty note to go with them. Is the implication, then, that it doesn't even matter what he writes because it's accompanying a bouquet of flowers? Because I would kind of hope that most women would be incrementally more demanding. "Well, this is certainly a stupid and inappropriate thing to send me... but flowers are pretty! All is forgiven!" The gender stereotype exacta of "men like boobs, women like presents" has rarely been so perfectly hit.
Showing posts with label dumbing it down. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dumbing it down. Show all posts
Friday, February 11, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Today in things that don't ever happen
Friend 1: "Nice shape, Jane!"
Jane Krakowski: "Thanks! I've been helping out at a lot of celebrity car washes."
Friend 2: "I think she meant the new Trop50 bottle."
Jane: "Oh. Right."
Oh, right. Because Jane Krakowski invented the new Trop50 bottle and therefore it makes sense for praise for its shape to be directed at her. Or, oh, right, because "Nice shape" is a comment that any native speaker of English would ever make, ever. Or, oh, right, what the fuck is this. Friend 2's smugness is delightful here given that she's treating as an absolute given something no human being would say.
Jane: "Well, you can see how I'd make that mistake."
I can! Well, sort of. If I was carrying a bottle of juice into a room and one of my friends said, "Hey, nice shape," I think my response would be "What the fuck are you even talking about?" And then if they were like, "I meant that the shape of that juice bottle you're carrying is nice," I would have stared at them for a full minute without saying anything, and then never invited them to another of my famous "we're doing nothing but drinking orange juice in my living room" get-togethers.
Jane: "I've never been in better shape!"
[She attempts to preen for her friends, who totally ignore her.]
Friend 3: "Mmm, so good! And it's got 50% less calories!"
Jane: "What do you think?"
Friend 2: "Which makes it gooder!"
Friend 1: "It is gooder!"
Friend 3: "It's better than gooder."
This is really just fucking retarded at this point. What am I supposed to be feeling towards these women? Because I just hate all of them, and by extension the product for which they are shilling by deploying the reverse-engineered grammar of a four-year-old. Also, since the word which conveys the concept that "gooder" does is the word "better," I think I would have tried not to include that word in the copy. Might take some work, but it's not like you haven't already spent 20 seconds hooking a car battery up to the English language's genitals.
Jane: "Ladies, you don't say gooder! There's no such word as gooder!"
You won me back, Jane.
Friend 2: "But Jane, you look gooder."
Jane: "Do I???"
Never mind. "Oh, friends, I don't mind that you're the three dumbest women on the planet. I just want you to acknowledge that I've lost weight!" Incidentally, I am surprised, slash amazed, slash dumbfounded that in a commercial aimed at women, starring women, and featuring a main character bragging about her weight loss and a low-calorie product, that the weight loss and the low-calorie product are not actually tied together. It's like they weren't even trying to make this commercial effective. Or comprehensible. This shit makes those Yoplait ads where the women talk up desserts they're not actually eating look like masterpieces of the craft.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Dear Customers, You are retarded. Love, Wendy's
You're an idiot. Did you know that? You don't understand polysyllabic words or subtlety or anything outside of beef and beer. You're an undereducated, blue collar Joe Sixpack with just enough brains to navigate the local fast food drive-thru. Here, just check out this Wendy's commercial:
On-screen: "The reviews are in:", classical music plays in the background
Welder: Garlic sauteed portobello mushroom caress the taste buds.
On-screen: I love a good mushroom. - Rick, welder
See? This is why you're stupid. Because Wendy's has to translate things for you. You can't comprehend words like "sautee" or "portobello" or "caress" -- just one-, maybe two-syllable words is all your can wrap your tiny heads around. Especially if you're some shit-for-brains welder.
Security Guard: Punctuated by the boundless possibility of hickory-smoked bacon
On-screen: Bacon tastes good. - Stanley, parking security
Oh man, security guards are so stupid! Just like you. Doesn't the phrase "punctuated by the boundless possibility of" just sound awesome? Like Shakespeare wrote it or something? Don't you wish you could understand it? Ah, that's okay, Wendy's translated it again for you. "BACON=GOOD" -- can you at least grasp that? Maybe it would have been better if Wendy's had just shown a 30-second shot of sizzling bacon, then cut to a fat guy giving the camera a "thumbs up," then, boom, Wendy's logo. You know, in case you're completely illiterate.
Office Admin: Fresh beef is the canvas on which this hot and juicy masterpiece is painted.
On-screen: I like fresh beef. - Sonya, administrator
Hahaha. See, it's funny! Just the idea of a secretary being able to talk like that is hilarious. Of course, this woman isn't actually a secretary. She's an actress with two Rhodes Scholarship and eight Fields Medals. Wendy's paid her a lot of money to dress up like a stupid secretary and deliver that line of sheer fucking poetry.
Voiceover: There's a little gourmet in all of us.
Haha. This is another joke, actually. There's not really a gourmet in all of you. Wendy's just wants you to pretend like you have a brain because maybe that would make it easier to buy this burger. Anyway, stop being offended already, and get your fat, stupid ass down to your local Wendy's! Or, as you would say, "ME LIKEY BACON!" Haha. Moron!
On-screen: "The reviews are in:", classical music plays in the background
Welder: Garlic sauteed portobello mushroom caress the taste buds.
On-screen: I love a good mushroom. - Rick, welder
See? This is why you're stupid. Because Wendy's has to translate things for you. You can't comprehend words like "sautee" or "portobello" or "caress" -- just one-, maybe two-syllable words is all your can wrap your tiny heads around. Especially if you're some shit-for-brains welder.
Security Guard: Punctuated by the boundless possibility of hickory-smoked bacon
On-screen: Bacon tastes good. - Stanley, parking security
Oh man, security guards are so stupid! Just like you. Doesn't the phrase "punctuated by the boundless possibility of" just sound awesome? Like Shakespeare wrote it or something? Don't you wish you could understand it? Ah, that's okay, Wendy's translated it again for you. "BACON=GOOD" -- can you at least grasp that? Maybe it would have been better if Wendy's had just shown a 30-second shot of sizzling bacon, then cut to a fat guy giving the camera a "thumbs up," then, boom, Wendy's logo. You know, in case you're completely illiterate.
Office Admin: Fresh beef is the canvas on which this hot and juicy masterpiece is painted.
On-screen: I like fresh beef. - Sonya, administrator
Hahaha. See, it's funny! Just the idea of a secretary being able to talk like that is hilarious. Of course, this woman isn't actually a secretary. She's an actress with two Rhodes Scholarship and eight Fields Medals. Wendy's paid her a lot of money to dress up like a stupid secretary and deliver that line of sheer fucking poetry.
Voiceover: There's a little gourmet in all of us.
Haha. This is another joke, actually. There's not really a gourmet in all of you. Wendy's just wants you to pretend like you have a brain because maybe that would make it easier to buy this burger. Anyway, stop being offended already, and get your fat, stupid ass down to your local Wendy's! Or, as you would say, "ME LIKEY BACON!" Haha. Moron!
Monday, October 27, 2008
You'll love us because other people hate us!
I'm thinking back to my Marketing 101 class in college -- there were the 4 P's, brand positioning demographics, target markets, etc, etc. We covered a lot of theoretical and practical ground. I just can't seem to recall the day we talked about selling a product by showing how much people hate that product. It's a maverick technique, as shown in this commercial for a local steakhouse:
(15 second shot of a piece of a gristly steak being grilled)
This is why good food photographers make a killing. Because when amateurs try to film food, this is what you get: a greasy, rubbery piece of meat bouncing up and down on a grill. My favorite part is when the camera pans completely away from the meat and over to an empty, blurry background. Just makes me chuckle. Was that supposed to be arty in some way? Did a high school photography student direct this? "It's the rule of thirds, man!"
Vegetarians hate us.
"You! Over there! Queer guy who doesn't eat meat! Hey, check out this huge hunk of animal! Hungry yet? Oh yeah, get a whiff of that greasy, bubbling flesh.... Want some? Oh, guess what, you can't have it! Because you choose not to eat meat! Hah -- suck on it!"
There are some kind of weird, good ol' boy undertones to a line like this. I wonder if the meatatarians were behind this one, too. But, yes, I suppose it is true that a group of people who don't eat meat wouldn't be fond of a steak place. What I fail to see, however, is the connection between illustrating that fact about vegetarians and attracting people who do eat meat to your steakhouse.
I mean, is this all they got? Nothing about how they only serve the choicest cuts of meat? Or how they were voted best steakhouse by a local magazine (if that were true)? Or anything unique about the restaurant? No? You just wanted to lash out at a small percentage of the population that doesn't like your product. Got it.
Sorry.
No, you're not sorry! That one lazy copy line was the entire reason for this commercial! Own up to it, dick.
"A Cut Above the Rest"
Just a pet peeve of mine. You don't need fucking quotation marks there! It's your slogan, you're not quoting somebody.
This reminds me of another local ad, a billboard for a conservative radio talk show on WIND 560 AM which read, "Liberals Hate It!" So automatically you've already lost 50% of the population who lean democratic. Now granted you weren't going to get them to listen anyway, but you're trying to woo the other 50% by saying "there's a group of people who think we're assholes!" -- you think that's going to work? Like someone will think to himself, "Well if Al Gore wouldn't listen to it, maybe I should tune in..."
If you're considering running an ad campaign that tries to reach people by saying "Group X hates us" -- then I would suggest you put the kibosh on the whole deal -- the advertising, the product, your business -- everything. You're admitting to everyone that there's so little that's new and great and unique about your product that you can't come up with a single noteworthy thing to say about it. And that, for the record, is a business problem, not just an marketing problem.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Kia knows their history
Have you ever heard the name "Millard Fillmore"? Perhaps in a high school American History class where you were browsing the names of various presidents, his name might have caught your eye. He was the president sandwiched between Zachary Taylor and Franklin Pierce -- an unremarkable trio of minor American leaders, to be sure, but I really thought I knew the identity of Millard Fillmore -- that was, of course, until Kia had the good sense to tell me otherwise:
President Millard Fillmore...
Right! I knew it. He was president.
... best remembered as the first president to have a running water bathtub...
Wrong. Kia -- listen to me, you have to know this is fucking apocryphal. A tiny iota of research will prove this to be true. I mean, aren't there factcheckers you can hire to take a look at your shitty ads? Or maybe this is a "joke"? But, you just look stupid if it's a joke because you make this myth sound real.
The funny thing is, there's a large amount of comedic material about Millard Fillmore that isn't fake. For starters, he was a Whig. Just that very word is funny. Also, he was born in a log cabin. His first job was as a clothmaker. He started the White House library (he was a nerd! That's funny!) He had a third nipple and named it "Professor Milkington" (I just made this up, but it's funnier than the bath tub joke, and that's just a joke stolen from H.L. Mencken.)
The other stupid part about this concept is that there are plenty of more obscure presidents out there they could have used -- presidents that don't have well-known comic strips named after them. William Henry Harrison was president for 31 days. John Tyler didn't do a whole lot, and he was a "Democrat-Republican" (make up your mind for Pete's sake! Am I right?). Zachary Taylor wasn't in office for much more than a year, being the guy who died right before the ever-unheard-of Fillmore.
... he's unheard-of....
See, you say that, but I distinctly recall his name, and something about his being a goddam American president. We're anonymous here at the Ad Wizards, but I will go on record now as saying that my profession is not that of Presidential Historian. And yet, somehow, I'd heard of this guy. I'll grant you that he's an order of magnitude less famous than, say, George Washington, but can we agree that he's not exactly some small town Vermont Alderman from the early 19th century who died of typhus at age 58?
So we're honoring him during Kia's Unheard Of Presidents' Day Sale
Look, it's not that I'm some huge Millard Fillmore fan. Dude signed the Fugitive Slave Act -- that's bad juju. It's just that I think the people who made these ads are really, really stupid, and they've made the terrible assumption, like many advertisers sadly do, that Americans are as dumb as they are. Hey Kia? We're just not that retarded. Sorry.
To commemorate Millard's bathtime, we've created this Millard Fillmore soap-on-a-rope.
Can someone explain to me why this is funny? This simply appears to be more stupid pandering. We're not dumb enough to believe that an American President can truly be "unheard of," and we're not dumb enough to find that kind of goofy, punny humor funny. I can't wait for this to go off the air next week.
So, who wants to go buy a car on Monday?
President Millard Fillmore...
Right! I knew it. He was president.
... best remembered as the first president to have a running water bathtub...
Wrong. Kia -- listen to me, you have to know this is fucking apocryphal. A tiny iota of research will prove this to be true. I mean, aren't there factcheckers you can hire to take a look at your shitty ads? Or maybe this is a "joke"? But, you just look stupid if it's a joke because you make this myth sound real.
The funny thing is, there's a large amount of comedic material about Millard Fillmore that isn't fake. For starters, he was a Whig. Just that very word is funny. Also, he was born in a log cabin. His first job was as a clothmaker. He started the White House library (he was a nerd! That's funny!) He had a third nipple and named it "Professor Milkington" (I just made this up, but it's funnier than the bath tub joke, and that's just a joke stolen from H.L. Mencken.)
The other stupid part about this concept is that there are plenty of more obscure presidents out there they could have used -- presidents that don't have well-known comic strips named after them. William Henry Harrison was president for 31 days. John Tyler didn't do a whole lot, and he was a "Democrat-Republican" (make up your mind for Pete's sake! Am I right?). Zachary Taylor wasn't in office for much more than a year, being the guy who died right before the ever-unheard-of Fillmore.
... he's unheard-of....
See, you say that, but I distinctly recall his name, and something about his being a goddam American president. We're anonymous here at the Ad Wizards, but I will go on record now as saying that my profession is not that of Presidential Historian. And yet, somehow, I'd heard of this guy. I'll grant you that he's an order of magnitude less famous than, say, George Washington, but can we agree that he's not exactly some small town Vermont Alderman from the early 19th century who died of typhus at age 58?
So we're honoring him during Kia's Unheard Of Presidents' Day Sale
Look, it's not that I'm some huge Millard Fillmore fan. Dude signed the Fugitive Slave Act -- that's bad juju. It's just that I think the people who made these ads are really, really stupid, and they've made the terrible assumption, like many advertisers sadly do, that Americans are as dumb as they are. Hey Kia? We're just not that retarded. Sorry.
To commemorate Millard's bathtime, we've created this Millard Fillmore soap-on-a-rope.
Can someone explain to me why this is funny? This simply appears to be more stupid pandering. We're not dumb enough to believe that an American President can truly be "unheard of," and we're not dumb enough to find that kind of goofy, punny humor funny. I can't wait for this to go off the air next week.
So, who wants to go buy a car on Monday?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Fantasy meets reality
Sure, Honda will break the bank on animatronic characters for their ads, but they'll only pay some hack five bucks to crap out a script:
First of all, is no one surprised there's an enormous troll in the middle of the road? Secondly, check out these Q's and A's from the spot:
Troll: Hey, how many people you got in there?
Dad: 8.
Most of them children, not full-grown people. Slightly misleading characterization of the roominess of the SUV?
Troll: Whoa, is that a DVD player?
Girl: Maybe.
Trolls -- notorious for their enthusiasm for high-tech gadgetry. This is well-documented in The Silmarillion.
Troll: Do I smell cookies?
Mom: Hit the gas, that's three.
That's a grand total of one out of three questions actually answered. Why were they allowed to pass? Honda Pilot drivers are cheaters!
Announcer: Beloved by humans, envied by trolls.
Either this is a stupid, cutesy piece of copy, or it's a pretty personal insult to every non-Honda Pilot owner. I am not envious of anyone who paid $32,045 and up for an SUV that costs them $4 to drive 25 miles.
So, quick recap of what Honda wants you, the consumer, to know about their Pilot product: seats 8, envied by hideous fictional characters, may or may not have kids in it who eat cookies. Lease one today!
First of all, is no one surprised there's an enormous troll in the middle of the road? Secondly, check out these Q's and A's from the spot:
Troll: Hey, how many people you got in there?
Dad: 8.
Most of them children, not full-grown people. Slightly misleading characterization of the roominess of the SUV?
Troll: Whoa, is that a DVD player?
Girl: Maybe.
Trolls -- notorious for their enthusiasm for high-tech gadgetry. This is well-documented in The Silmarillion.
Troll: Do I smell cookies?
Mom: Hit the gas, that's three.
That's a grand total of one out of three questions actually answered. Why were they allowed to pass? Honda Pilot drivers are cheaters!
Announcer: Beloved by humans, envied by trolls.
Either this is a stupid, cutesy piece of copy, or it's a pretty personal insult to every non-Honda Pilot owner. I am not envious of anyone who paid $32,045 and up for an SUV that costs them $4 to drive 25 miles.
So, quick recap of what Honda wants you, the consumer, to know about their Pilot product: seats 8, envied by hideous fictional characters, may or may not have kids in it who eat cookies. Lease one today!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Milk that testimonial!
Hey, it's me, Quivering, again. Turns out that pouring all my money into hedge funds was kind of a bust. Toyota really screwed me on that one. So it's back to the ol' making-fun-of-shitty-ads grind.
Let me introduce you to a new series of commercials from perennial maker-of-commercials Apple Computer. Now, historically, Apple deserves a lot of credit. Their 1984 SuperBowl spot is widely heralded as one of the best in advertising history, and possibly the most famous. Their "Think Different" campaign, although inherently ungrammatical, helped differentiate the Mac from PCs in the consumer's mind. And, more recently, their iPod commercials, which utilized a blend of hip, upbeat music and arresting art direction, propelled Apple from a niche computer company to a mainstream music industry titan.
Apple's latest advertising support of the iPhone, their second campaign for the product, takes a significant change in direction. Here's one in the series:
Pilot: We were departing Chicago in route to Newark, New Jersey, and we were told we were going to have a 3-hour delay.
Hey, we've all been there. Airport delays, even those of the 3-hour variety, are fairly commonplace.
Pilot: Three hours. For an hour and forty-one minute flight.
Big deal. Everyone who has ever flown on an airplane has had bad delays. Three hours, four hours, a full day even. Once, I was in Amsterdam, and they delayed the flight because they couldn't get an exit light inside the cabin to turn off. They had to fly in a mechanic from Detroit to fix it, so they put us all up in a Novotel overnight. It was a 30-hour delay. But you don't see me going out and making some shitty commercial because of it!
Pilot: And as we were sitting there with our engines shut down, I turned on my iPhone and went to Weather.com...
Took 12 seconds to mention the product. Not so good.
Pilot: ...and I saw that the rain showers had already passed the field. At which point, we contacted our dispatcher, and dispatch took another look at the weather...
Bullshit. Weather.com is more sophisticated than whatever they use to make takeoff and landing decisions at airports? I'm sorry, I've used Weather.com before, and reliability is not its selling point. I think vacation destination temperature-checking is. If Weather.com is better than what air traffic control is using, I refuse to fly again. (Good thing it's not.)
Pilot: ... and sure enough, about thirty minutes later, Tower called us and said, "You guys are clear to go."
I hope they reminded you to turn off that cell phone before the flight.
Pilot: And everyone was happy and life was good.
What a sophomoric, artificially tidy way to end the commercial. "Life was good"! "Everybody was happy!" They disabled ground radar and replaced it with an iPhone! With the iPhone in charge, everybody's flight got in an hour early! Then the iPhone cured cancer!
This is just one of the several ads featuring this "just a regular person" testimonial format. What's lame about this concept is that it completely abandons the "cool" persona that Apple's cultivated with colorful, fun commercials like those for the iPod. What's painful about this concept is that it's unblushingly egotistical. The iPhone -- better than an air traffic control tower? Really?
Take a look at the professions of two of the other actors featured in these testimonial iPhone ads: a "mobile-blogging" Ballet Dancer and an Off-Broadway Producer. I guess they couldn't get a professional Cuban Cigar Cutter to do an ad? Get off your hundred-foot high horse, Apple. It's like the entire marketing department eats apricot quail sandwiches for lunch every day.
Another person in one of these ads begins by stating, confidently:
One of the greatest advancements in the history of mankind. Without question.
The jury's still out on this, of course, but I think we can all safely say this falls in the "massive, inexcusable hyperbole" camp. Do you think it's okay to have some fawning statement like that in your ad, Apple, because some random guy said it? You still put it in your commercial, and then you aired the thing! Surely someone at Apple or TBWA Chiat Day realizes how obnoxious that sounds.
There's another issue with this whole campaign, and it's this idea of Apple's supposed invention of some futuristic dream device. "It's the internet... on your phone." "It's The New York Times... on your phone." "You can check the weather... on your goddamned phone." It smacks of goofy ads from the sixties about space-age automobiles, or color TVs. The kind of ads that you look at now and laugh.
50 years in the future, some 12-year old kid's grandfather will say to him, "You know, grandson, when I was a youngster, you couldn't reroute a plane on your phone." And the kid will say, "No, way! That's so stone age!" Then he'll whip out his iWatch, which will have already detected the conversation and called up this iPhone ad on its holographic screen. The kid will watch the ad and think to himself, "God, that is retarded. I really hope someone in the past made fun of that pretentious piece of shit."
Don't worry, snarky little 12-year-old from the future, someone did. Oh, yes, someone did.
Let me introduce you to a new series of commercials from perennial maker-of-commercials Apple Computer. Now, historically, Apple deserves a lot of credit. Their 1984 SuperBowl spot is widely heralded as one of the best in advertising history, and possibly the most famous. Their "Think Different" campaign, although inherently ungrammatical, helped differentiate the Mac from PCs in the consumer's mind. And, more recently, their iPod commercials, which utilized a blend of hip, upbeat music and arresting art direction, propelled Apple from a niche computer company to a mainstream music industry titan.
Apple's latest advertising support of the iPhone, their second campaign for the product, takes a significant change in direction. Here's one in the series:
Pilot: We were departing Chicago in route to Newark, New Jersey, and we were told we were going to have a 3-hour delay.
Hey, we've all been there. Airport delays, even those of the 3-hour variety, are fairly commonplace.
Pilot: Three hours. For an hour and forty-one minute flight.
Big deal. Everyone who has ever flown on an airplane has had bad delays. Three hours, four hours, a full day even. Once, I was in Amsterdam, and they delayed the flight because they couldn't get an exit light inside the cabin to turn off. They had to fly in a mechanic from Detroit to fix it, so they put us all up in a Novotel overnight. It was a 30-hour delay. But you don't see me going out and making some shitty commercial because of it!
Pilot: And as we were sitting there with our engines shut down, I turned on my iPhone and went to Weather.com...
Took 12 seconds to mention the product. Not so good.
Pilot: ...and I saw that the rain showers had already passed the field. At which point, we contacted our dispatcher, and dispatch took another look at the weather...
Bullshit. Weather.com is more sophisticated than whatever they use to make takeoff and landing decisions at airports? I'm sorry, I've used Weather.com before, and reliability is not its selling point. I think vacation destination temperature-checking is. If Weather.com is better than what air traffic control is using, I refuse to fly again. (Good thing it's not.)
Pilot: ... and sure enough, about thirty minutes later, Tower called us and said, "You guys are clear to go."
I hope they reminded you to turn off that cell phone before the flight.
Pilot: And everyone was happy and life was good.
What a sophomoric, artificially tidy way to end the commercial. "Life was good"! "Everybody was happy!" They disabled ground radar and replaced it with an iPhone! With the iPhone in charge, everybody's flight got in an hour early! Then the iPhone cured cancer!
This is just one of the several ads featuring this "just a regular person" testimonial format. What's lame about this concept is that it completely abandons the "cool" persona that Apple's cultivated with colorful, fun commercials like those for the iPod. What's painful about this concept is that it's unblushingly egotistical. The iPhone -- better than an air traffic control tower? Really?
Take a look at the professions of two of the other actors featured in these testimonial iPhone ads: a "mobile-blogging" Ballet Dancer and an Off-Broadway Producer. I guess they couldn't get a professional Cuban Cigar Cutter to do an ad? Get off your hundred-foot high horse, Apple. It's like the entire marketing department eats apricot quail sandwiches for lunch every day.
Another person in one of these ads begins by stating, confidently:
One of the greatest advancements in the history of mankind. Without question.
The jury's still out on this, of course, but I think we can all safely say this falls in the "massive, inexcusable hyperbole" camp. Do you think it's okay to have some fawning statement like that in your ad, Apple, because some random guy said it? You still put it in your commercial, and then you aired the thing! Surely someone at Apple or TBWA Chiat Day realizes how obnoxious that sounds.
There's another issue with this whole campaign, and it's this idea of Apple's supposed invention of some futuristic dream device. "It's the internet... on your phone." "It's The New York Times... on your phone." "You can check the weather... on your goddamned phone." It smacks of goofy ads from the sixties about space-age automobiles, or color TVs. The kind of ads that you look at now and laugh.
50 years in the future, some 12-year old kid's grandfather will say to him, "You know, grandson, when I was a youngster, you couldn't reroute a plane on your phone." And the kid will say, "No, way! That's so stone age!" Then he'll whip out his iWatch, which will have already detected the conversation and called up this iPhone ad on its holographic screen. The kid will watch the ad and think to himself, "God, that is retarded. I really hope someone in the past made fun of that pretentious piece of shit."
Don't worry, snarky little 12-year-old from the future, someone did. Oh, yes, someone did.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
What, exactly, IS your point?
Recently I laid out the formulaic outline of a typical car commercial. Toyota, to their credit, doesn't play that game. I just wish they had blazed a more forgivable path:
Mother: 0% APR financing -
The very first words are car commercial boilerplate. Hey, Toyota? The channel has already been changed.
Mother: - on a new Toyota Camry? Wow!
"Financing... on a... car? Unheard of! So, a dealership owner is willing to let me go into debt to charge more money for his car? Oh, my -- the generosity!"
Mother: And when you factor in the 31/mpg rating... well, we're saving a lot.
Seems like every ad I've blogged about recently falls victim to this obnoxious editorializing. SHOW, don't TELL, folks!
Mother: I guess my point is, what should we do with the extra money?
Donate it back to Toyota -- they need the cash to make non-painful commercials.
Kid 1: I'm likin' hedge funds.
Kid 2: What about... emerging markets?
It feels like the kids here even thought these lines were stupid. What, did somebody copy a couple of words down from the "Money" section of USA Today? "Hey, what's like a financial-y sounding word, like 'bank,' but fancier-sounding?"
Mother: (gasps) What's in that cereal?
Good point. This concept might work for a cereal commercial. Because it sure as hell isn't a car commercial.
Announcer: Toyota. A smart way to keep moving forward.
I guess this tagline ties in with the kids saying smart-sounding things. Sort of. Next time, though, Toyota, can you say something about your car that's at least superficially interesting? This commercial was disjointed and pointless.
P.S. Thanks for the financial advice! I just transferred all of my money into hedge funds. If you don't see me post again, it's because I'm partying down in Belize for the rest of my life. Suckers!!
Mother: 0% APR financing -
The very first words are car commercial boilerplate. Hey, Toyota? The channel has already been changed.
Mother: - on a new Toyota Camry? Wow!
"Financing... on a... car? Unheard of! So, a dealership owner is willing to let me go into debt to charge more money for his car? Oh, my -- the generosity!"
Mother: And when you factor in the 31/mpg rating... well, we're saving a lot.
Seems like every ad I've blogged about recently falls victim to this obnoxious editorializing. SHOW, don't TELL, folks!
Mother: I guess my point is, what should we do with the extra money?
Donate it back to Toyota -- they need the cash to make non-painful commercials.
Kid 1: I'm likin' hedge funds.
Kid 2: What about... emerging markets?
It feels like the kids here even thought these lines were stupid. What, did somebody copy a couple of words down from the "Money" section of USA Today? "Hey, what's like a financial-y sounding word, like 'bank,' but fancier-sounding?"
Mother: (gasps) What's in that cereal?
Good point. This concept might work for a cereal commercial. Because it sure as hell isn't a car commercial.
Announcer: Toyota. A smart way to keep moving forward.
I guess this tagline ties in with the kids saying smart-sounding things. Sort of. Next time, though, Toyota, can you say something about your car that's at least superficially interesting? This commercial was disjointed and pointless.
P.S. Thanks for the financial advice! I just transferred all of my money into hedge funds. If you don't see me post again, it's because I'm partying down in Belize for the rest of my life. Suckers!!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Rolling on the floor ranting my ass off
Say you brought Dane Cook, Jay Mohr and Sinbad into a room together, gave them all the weed and booze they wanted, and told them to make jokes for 12 straight hours. You'd probably wind up with a good amount of mediocre-to-dismal comedy. Even their least funny utterance, however, would be a laugh riot compared to this unspeakably rancid ad:
Mother: Beth Ann, 3,000 texts last month?
Beth Ann is kind of a strange name to pick for a :30 spot. Aren't the names supposed to be commonplace, simple and unobtrusive? Anyway, apparently the daughter text messages a lot on her phone. Continue with this premise - I like where it's headed!
Beth Ann: (in mid-text message) NWRUS?
Ahh, people talking as though they were texting! Yes, this was necessary. Someone needed to use this idea on national television. This kind of hilarity was just begging for air time.
Also, "NWRUS" returns just over 1,000 hits on Google. This is not internet slang. This is annoying tripe a copywriter just shat out.
Mother: (to Beth Ann) That wasn't a compliment. (to son) Sean, 1,000 texts?!
Sean: U-G-H.
What? "Ugh" is a motherfreaking word! Sean isn't using text message shorthand, he's just spelling out a regular word. Not that I endorse showcasing obnoxious internet slang as your ad concept, but was there nothing else you could think of that would make sense? Why not just make up something like you did with Beth Ann's line? "Mother: Sean, 1,000 texts?! Sean: HSTASAB (Holy Shit This Ad Sucks Ape Balls)."
Also, is it not doubly offensive that they thought they needed to show "Ugh" in subtitles?
Mother: (to grandma) And you, you're old enough to know better.
Grandma: MYOB, will ya?
Again, thank you for spelling out "will ya" on-screen.
Father: (admonishing) Grandma...
Mother: Mom, who could you be texting?
Grandma: IDK, my BFF Rose?
Now, this line, aside from being the most odious one in the entire spot, is a reference to this other brain-punishing commercial. But take a look at grandma's line there. Read it aloud. Stare at the abbreviations on the screen. Let it fester in your head for a few minutes until you start getting twitchy. Now realize that someone had to find that funny. Someone had to say, "Yep, go ahead and make that commercial." Someone thought, "This is the best possible way to represent our family text plan - by annoying the sweet, living motherfuck out of every human who sees our ad."
On the upside, I believe Cingular is the first company ever to make an ad that utilizes the inherent comedy in "old people humorously doing something normally only young people do."
EDIT: After doing some research, it turns out I was wrong. Cingular is, in fact, the 17,615th brand to use this comedic device in an ad. They were just behind Chicken In A Biskit, but, strangely, beat out PoliGrip.
Announcer: Now get a texting plan the whole family can NJOY.
Again, this is not even a thing! "NJOY"?!? You cannot mix comedic devices like that! You cannot use both real abbreviations and ones-you-just-made-up interchangeably! I hope the hacks who banged this one out could finally retire after this aired.
Announcer: Cingular's name is now AT&T.
Then why do we keep having to suffer Cingular commercials?
Overall, we deserve better than this. America deserves better. I feel bad for my television that it had to show me this ad. I feel bad for myself that I had to sit here and transcribe it. The thing is -- no one enjoys having to text. I think we'd all prefer, if we could, to communicate in a real way. If not in person then at least over the phone. Texting sucks. Texting is something you do when you'd rather be speaking, or you'd rather not be communicating at all with someone. Along with PowerPoint, text messaging has set back the English language to Newspeak levels. This commercial, aside from being shamefully unfunny, only encourages the further acceptance of ludicrous abbreviations and moronic-sounding slang into our language and our culture. We need to fight back! Speak in complete sentences! Read Strunk & White! Google words you don't understand! Mute hacky commercials that try to talk to you like you're stupid!
One day, these poor souls who have commented on this ad on YouTube with crap like "lo lol lol lol lol lol!!!!!!!!" and "'MYOB will ya.' lol so funny!" will watch or read or listen to something that's actually funny. It almost certainly will not be a television commercial. But it will improve their brains to the point where they might think about ads like Cingular's and wonder how they ever humored that kind of garbage at all.
Mother: Beth Ann, 3,000 texts last month?
Beth Ann is kind of a strange name to pick for a :30 spot. Aren't the names supposed to be commonplace, simple and unobtrusive? Anyway, apparently the daughter text messages a lot on her phone. Continue with this premise - I like where it's headed!
Beth Ann: (in mid-text message) NWRUS?
Ahh, people talking as though they were texting! Yes, this was necessary. Someone needed to use this idea on national television. This kind of hilarity was just begging for air time.
Also, "NWRUS" returns just over 1,000 hits on Google. This is not internet slang. This is annoying tripe a copywriter just shat out.
Mother: (to Beth Ann) That wasn't a compliment. (to son) Sean, 1,000 texts?!
Sean: U-G-H.
What? "Ugh" is a motherfreaking word! Sean isn't using text message shorthand, he's just spelling out a regular word. Not that I endorse showcasing obnoxious internet slang as your ad concept, but was there nothing else you could think of that would make sense? Why not just make up something like you did with Beth Ann's line? "Mother: Sean, 1,000 texts?! Sean: HSTASAB (Holy Shit This Ad Sucks Ape Balls)."
Also, is it not doubly offensive that they thought they needed to show "Ugh" in subtitles?
Mother: (to grandma) And you, you're old enough to know better.
Grandma: MYOB, will ya?
Again, thank you for spelling out "will ya" on-screen.
Father: (admonishing) Grandma...
Mother: Mom, who could you be texting?
Grandma: IDK, my BFF Rose?
Now, this line, aside from being the most odious one in the entire spot, is a reference to this other brain-punishing commercial. But take a look at grandma's line there. Read it aloud. Stare at the abbreviations on the screen. Let it fester in your head for a few minutes until you start getting twitchy. Now realize that someone had to find that funny. Someone had to say, "Yep, go ahead and make that commercial." Someone thought, "This is the best possible way to represent our family text plan - by annoying the sweet, living motherfuck out of every human who sees our ad."
On the upside, I believe Cingular is the first company ever to make an ad that utilizes the inherent comedy in "old people humorously doing something normally only young people do."
EDIT: After doing some research, it turns out I was wrong. Cingular is, in fact, the 17,615th brand to use this comedic device in an ad. They were just behind Chicken In A Biskit, but, strangely, beat out PoliGrip.
Announcer: Now get a texting plan the whole family can NJOY.
Again, this is not even a thing! "NJOY"?!? You cannot mix comedic devices like that! You cannot use both real abbreviations and ones-you-just-made-up interchangeably! I hope the hacks who banged this one out could finally retire after this aired.
Announcer: Cingular's name is now AT&T.
Then why do we keep having to suffer Cingular commercials?
Overall, we deserve better than this. America deserves better. I feel bad for my television that it had to show me this ad. I feel bad for myself that I had to sit here and transcribe it. The thing is -- no one enjoys having to text. I think we'd all prefer, if we could, to communicate in a real way. If not in person then at least over the phone. Texting sucks. Texting is something you do when you'd rather be speaking, or you'd rather not be communicating at all with someone. Along with PowerPoint, text messaging has set back the English language to Newspeak levels. This commercial, aside from being shamefully unfunny, only encourages the further acceptance of ludicrous abbreviations and moronic-sounding slang into our language and our culture. We need to fight back! Speak in complete sentences! Read Strunk & White! Google words you don't understand! Mute hacky commercials that try to talk to you like you're stupid!
One day, these poor souls who have commented on this ad on YouTube with crap like "lo lol lol lol lol lol!!!!!!!!" and "'MYOB will ya.' lol so funny!" will watch or read or listen to something that's actually funny. It almost certainly will not be a television commercial. But it will improve their brains to the point where they might think about ads like Cingular's and wonder how they ever humored that kind of garbage at all.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Good grades are overrated!
On a very basic level, I guess I can appreciate what the Foundation for a Better Life is trying to do. Their mission statement, according to their website, is "to encourage adherence to a set of quality values through personal accountability and by raising the level of expectations of performance of all individuals regardless of religion or race." Nothing wrong with that, right?
Here's the problem I have with this: the reason it's not a big deal that Einstein didn't have good grades in grammar school is that he turned out to be Albert Fucking Einstein. I know what they're trying to do with this billboard, but it ends up being counterintuitive - the unintentional message is that there's nothing wrong with getting bad grades, which is of course total horseshit. There is nothing wrong with getting bad grades, I suppose, if you're so much of a genius that you're capable of writing equations that sum up grand, sweeping laws of the universe. To how many people does this actually apply?
Also, "As a student, he was no Einstein" is dumb because of course he was. The reason Einstein didn't always do well in school is because he was far too smart for the teaching methods being used at the schools he attended. It's important to remember that this is almost certainly not true of your kid. Moreover, the amorphous notion of "confidence" has fuck-all to do with it, as I think Einstein himself would probably tell you.
This one just annoys me. "Believe in yourself?" Look, I don't care how many movies they made, Shrek is not a real person. He is a movie character, and everything that happens to him was scripted that way. This isn't like, "Queen Elizabeth was once a lowly maid until she saved a prince's life and he decided to marry her!" Some screenwriter said, "Hey, Shrek is the main character in our kids' movie; do you think, as the hero, he should succeed?" And then the others said, "Of course!" And now it's on a billboard. Sure, it's important to believe in yourself. But we really couldn't find anyone who actually exists in real life to illustrate this point? I'm actually kind of offended that the Foundation thinks a cartoon character is a better illustration of the human spirit than a genuine human being is.
For example, wouldn't "Believe in Yourself" have worked pretty well on this one? Instead they went with the one that makes me laugh in that "going straight to hell" sort of way. "Vision! Pass it on! Seriously, pass it to this guy. Clearly he could use some."
Here's the problem I have with this: the reason it's not a big deal that Einstein didn't have good grades in grammar school is that he turned out to be Albert Fucking Einstein. I know what they're trying to do with this billboard, but it ends up being counterintuitive - the unintentional message is that there's nothing wrong with getting bad grades, which is of course total horseshit. There is nothing wrong with getting bad grades, I suppose, if you're so much of a genius that you're capable of writing equations that sum up grand, sweeping laws of the universe. To how many people does this actually apply?
Also, "As a student, he was no Einstein" is dumb because of course he was. The reason Einstein didn't always do well in school is because he was far too smart for the teaching methods being used at the schools he attended. It's important to remember that this is almost certainly not true of your kid. Moreover, the amorphous notion of "confidence" has fuck-all to do with it, as I think Einstein himself would probably tell you.
This one just annoys me. "Believe in yourself?" Look, I don't care how many movies they made, Shrek is not a real person. He is a movie character, and everything that happens to him was scripted that way. This isn't like, "Queen Elizabeth was once a lowly maid until she saved a prince's life and he decided to marry her!" Some screenwriter said, "Hey, Shrek is the main character in our kids' movie; do you think, as the hero, he should succeed?" And then the others said, "Of course!" And now it's on a billboard. Sure, it's important to believe in yourself. But we really couldn't find anyone who actually exists in real life to illustrate this point? I'm actually kind of offended that the Foundation thinks a cartoon character is a better illustration of the human spirit than a genuine human being is.
For example, wouldn't "Believe in Yourself" have worked pretty well on this one? Instead they went with the one that makes me laugh in that "going straight to hell" sort of way. "Vision! Pass it on! Seriously, pass it to this guy. Clearly he could use some."
Friday, August 10, 2007
Me - advertiser! You - stupid moron consumer!
The Sara Lee Corporation just called your mom ugly. And they said your brother's gay. Oh, and they also think you're a fucking moron. How else can you explain this commercial for their Ballpark Frank line:
New low, everybody. New low. Do I even need to break this one down? A teenage boy has a construction worker's forearm Alien its way out of his chest, grabs what could only be an old, stale hot dog (with mustard artfully squiggled on top), and tries to cram it into the boy's mouth. Then it smacks the kid on the face with a tennis racket (that the boy naturally keeps next to his bed, like every teenage boy does.) This is funny? This is appetizing? This is how you sell food?
Then Sara Lee brings it on home with a little touch of class:
Hunger get what hunger want - big, tasty Ballpark Frank
First off, I like how the tagline is written properly on-screen, "Hunger gets what hunger wants," but then the voiceover delivers it like a caveman would talk, or, presumably, like the people who wrote this ad. Secondly, "Hunger get what hunger want"? Mothers who shop for their families are supposed to respond to this and think "Oh, let me add that to the grocery list"?
They also chose "big" and "tasty" as the only modifiers to describe their product. This is somehow informative? This is differentiating? Here's a shortlist of some other things that are "big" and "tasty":
McDonald's "Big n' Tasty"
Wendy's Biggie Fries
A Large Tasty D-Lite
Wendy's Baconator
Wendy's Biggie Frostie
Pretty much anything from Wendy's except, maybe, like a small salad without dressing
Big Daddy's Tasty BBQ Sauce
Pretty much anything from Burger King except, maybe, a napkin
Sara Lee CMO Kim Feil (hey, she had to green-light this shit, right?)
I wish I could say this commercial was the worst of this series. But then Sara Lee came through in a bigger, tastier way:
Hungry yet? Again, I don't need to explain this one, do I. We can all see why 7-year olds might get a kick out of this (hence the reason for the YouTube comments), but anyone with a adult-sized brain? Why would this sell someone on a food product? A huge man's arm just came out of a boy's stomach, grabbed a spittle-coated ort from a girl's mouth, and fed it to the boy. Then he unblushingly accepts the bit of gnawed meat. Mmmmmm! "Big, juicy, pre-chewed Ballpark Franks!"
I love that the girl reacts to the hot dog morsel being removed from her mouth, but doesn't care that a third arm just sigourneyed out of her boyfriend's stomach. But, hey, at least it's hysterical, right? Just some really, really funny stuff there from Sara Lee. In fact, after all that laughing about how inimitably humorous the Ballpark Frank and Hillshire Farm commercials are, I'm getting a bit peckish. Sometimes I wish a disembodied appendage would just shove some cured hog cheek right up my face.
New low, everybody. New low. Do I even need to break this one down? A teenage boy has a construction worker's forearm Alien its way out of his chest, grabs what could only be an old, stale hot dog (with mustard artfully squiggled on top), and tries to cram it into the boy's mouth. Then it smacks the kid on the face with a tennis racket (that the boy naturally keeps next to his bed, like every teenage boy does.) This is funny? This is appetizing? This is how you sell food?
Then Sara Lee brings it on home with a little touch of class:
Hunger get what hunger want - big, tasty Ballpark Frank
First off, I like how the tagline is written properly on-screen, "Hunger gets what hunger wants," but then the voiceover delivers it like a caveman would talk, or, presumably, like the people who wrote this ad. Secondly, "Hunger get what hunger want"? Mothers who shop for their families are supposed to respond to this and think "Oh, let me add that to the grocery list"?
They also chose "big" and "tasty" as the only modifiers to describe their product. This is somehow informative? This is differentiating? Here's a shortlist of some other things that are "big" and "tasty":
McDonald's "Big n' Tasty"
Wendy's Biggie Fries
A Large Tasty D-Lite
Wendy's Baconator
Wendy's Biggie Frostie
Pretty much anything from Wendy's except, maybe, like a small salad without dressing
Big Daddy's Tasty BBQ Sauce
Pretty much anything from Burger King except, maybe, a napkin
Sara Lee CMO Kim Feil (hey, she had to green-light this shit, right?)
I wish I could say this commercial was the worst of this series. But then Sara Lee came through in a bigger, tastier way:
Hungry yet? Again, I don't need to explain this one, do I. We can all see why 7-year olds might get a kick out of this (hence the reason for the YouTube comments), but anyone with a adult-sized brain? Why would this sell someone on a food product? A huge man's arm just came out of a boy's stomach, grabbed a spittle-coated ort from a girl's mouth, and fed it to the boy. Then he unblushingly accepts the bit of gnawed meat. Mmmmmm! "Big, juicy, pre-chewed Ballpark Franks!"
I love that the girl reacts to the hot dog morsel being removed from her mouth, but doesn't care that a third arm just sigourneyed out of her boyfriend's stomach. But, hey, at least it's hysterical, right? Just some really, really funny stuff there from Sara Lee. In fact, after all that laughing about how inimitably humorous the Ballpark Frank and Hillshire Farm commercials are, I'm getting a bit peckish. Sometimes I wish a disembodied appendage would just shove some cured hog cheek right up my face.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
A confederacy of duh-nces
There are a lot of smug commercials out there, desperate to get you to switch to their product by insinuating that it's the cool or smart thing to do. Very few of them, however, are quite this in-your-face about the viewer's need to clue in.
The "Big Duh" sales event. Someone actually came up with this name, and someone else - indeed, surely an entire room full of people - agreed that it was a great idea and that Hyundai should get started on insulting car buyers by saying that getting a Hyundai is the "duh" thing to do.
The TV ads aren't nearly as bad as the radio ones I've heard, featuring the "World's Smartest Person," an insufferable prick with a British accent whose three claims to fame are his head for not-terribly-obscure trivia, his overwhelming attitude of superiority, and his belief that buying a Hyundai constitutes a "big duh." Fuck that guy right in the ear.
But in the absence of that, the TV versions are plenty bad. First, there's the painful a cappella replacing every note with "duh," as though it's actually easy to distinguish that from any other a cappella note. Fortunately, we have a smarmy voiceover ready to show up at the 12-second mark.
Some self-satisfied dickbag in a recording booth: "The word 'duh.' As in, it's obvious. It's a no-brainer."
This commercial underestimates the viewing public so much that it thinks we need not one but two synonyms for the word "duh," a word (if you can even call it that) of which anyone over the age of five already knows the definition. The guy even sounds like he's talking down to you as he's saying it. And this is Hyundai, for fuck's sake. I would expect this from, I don't know, that guy in the Lexus ads? That guy is a douche.
Dickbag who might, actually, be Kelsey Grammer now that I think about it: "Like a great deal. On a great car."
In J.D. Power and Associates' Initial Quality Study for 2007, Hyundai rated, across the board, "about average." I'm guessing that among the 25 other manufacturers that rated about as good as or better than Hyundai, there are occasionally other great deals to be had. But hell, what do I know?
Dickbag, in somehow even more dickish fashion than before: "Hit the duh switch. The Hyundai Big Duh Sales Event."
Incidentally, are we going to see some proof that Hyundai's cars actually are great, or that their deals are actually good? Most car commercials are endless parades of terms and legalese, and yet Hyundai really just wants you to remember the supposed "Duh"-ness of their deals. Not what they, you know, actually are. But wait, some might actually be coming:
For some reason, a totally different announcer: "Get up to $2000 cash back on a 2007 Hyundai Tucson V6, rated Best in Class vehicle satisfaction by AutoPacific."
I love the term "cash back" because it strikes me as seriously disingenuous. It's a rebate; all that means in the end is that you're being charged a little less. Why not just say "Save $2,000 on a 2007 Hyundai Tucson?" Because people like the idea of "here's some cash!" Also, it makes your cars sound less cheap if you pretend they cost more and then just turn around and hand the money over. It's win-win!
And just why is the Duh Tabernacle Choir singing the Mission: Impossible theme? The cars in this ad are SUVs and compact SUVs. Am I supposed to think that these reliably average cars are somehow sexy or appealing? Come on, Hyundai, everyone knows your niche. Like, duh.
The "Big Duh" sales event. Someone actually came up with this name, and someone else - indeed, surely an entire room full of people - agreed that it was a great idea and that Hyundai should get started on insulting car buyers by saying that getting a Hyundai is the "duh" thing to do.
The TV ads aren't nearly as bad as the radio ones I've heard, featuring the "World's Smartest Person," an insufferable prick with a British accent whose three claims to fame are his head for not-terribly-obscure trivia, his overwhelming attitude of superiority, and his belief that buying a Hyundai constitutes a "big duh." Fuck that guy right in the ear.
But in the absence of that, the TV versions are plenty bad. First, there's the painful a cappella replacing every note with "duh," as though it's actually easy to distinguish that from any other a cappella note. Fortunately, we have a smarmy voiceover ready to show up at the 12-second mark.
Some self-satisfied dickbag in a recording booth: "The word 'duh.' As in, it's obvious. It's a no-brainer."
This commercial underestimates the viewing public so much that it thinks we need not one but two synonyms for the word "duh," a word (if you can even call it that) of which anyone over the age of five already knows the definition. The guy even sounds like he's talking down to you as he's saying it. And this is Hyundai, for fuck's sake. I would expect this from, I don't know, that guy in the Lexus ads? That guy is a douche.
Dickbag who might, actually, be Kelsey Grammer now that I think about it: "Like a great deal. On a great car."
In J.D. Power and Associates' Initial Quality Study for 2007, Hyundai rated, across the board, "about average." I'm guessing that among the 25 other manufacturers that rated about as good as or better than Hyundai, there are occasionally other great deals to be had. But hell, what do I know?
Dickbag, in somehow even more dickish fashion than before: "Hit the duh switch. The Hyundai Big Duh Sales Event."
Incidentally, are we going to see some proof that Hyundai's cars actually are great, or that their deals are actually good? Most car commercials are endless parades of terms and legalese, and yet Hyundai really just wants you to remember the supposed "Duh"-ness of their deals. Not what they, you know, actually are. But wait, some might actually be coming:
For some reason, a totally different announcer: "Get up to $2000 cash back on a 2007 Hyundai Tucson V6, rated Best in Class vehicle satisfaction by AutoPacific."
I love the term "cash back" because it strikes me as seriously disingenuous. It's a rebate; all that means in the end is that you're being charged a little less. Why not just say "Save $2,000 on a 2007 Hyundai Tucson?" Because people like the idea of "here's some cash!" Also, it makes your cars sound less cheap if you pretend they cost more and then just turn around and hand the money over. It's win-win!
And just why is the Duh Tabernacle Choir singing the Mission: Impossible theme? The cars in this ad are SUVs and compact SUVs. Am I supposed to think that these reliably average cars are somehow sexy or appealing? Come on, Hyundai, everyone knows your niche. Like, duh.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Periodic Fable
If you're going to make up something and pretend it's vaguely scientific, you might at least want to consult with someone who passed ninth-grade chemistry class:
The Human Element. Okay, I get the concept, the "human element" is something you should take into consideration when evaluating things, especially business. But the Human Element, in this commercial, is shown as the 8th element in the periodic table. Now, as any high schooler who's ever glanced up at the chalkboard during science class will tell you, the 8th element is oxygen. Not Humanium, or whatever. It's funny because they're obviously aware of the existence of oxygen, since they mention in the ad that water is "hydrogen bonding with oxygen." And yet they refuse to look at a periodic table. How sloppy is this concept?
The rest of this commercial is just a litany of elements, without saying anything about Dow or what it is or what it sells. Can I stop by my local Dow retailer on my way home from work? Could I pick up a couple of cans of Dow at the grocery store this weekend? What the hell is this company?
Dow Chemical is a company that manufactures plastics and performance chemicals and the like (by the way, Dow.com shows the fictional element "Hu" as element 52 - this is also wrong, the 52nd element is Tellurium [Te].) Why do behind-the-scenes companies like Dow bother spending the money to advertise? And advertise so ineffectively? Do you see commercial spots for Procter & Gamble? No, you see commercials for the crap they make - Tide, Charmin, Pringles.
Show me a commercial for one of your products, Dow - maybe I would watch it. What I won't watch? Poorly-conceived, vaguely-smart-sounding-but-ultimately-stupid ads for a company a consumer has no relationship with.
By the way, Dow, element 119 (not yet actually discovered), needs a permanent name. You could have the first-ever corporate-sponsored element. And luckily, "Hu" isn't taken yet! Get on it!
The Human Element. Okay, I get the concept, the "human element" is something you should take into consideration when evaluating things, especially business. But the Human Element, in this commercial, is shown as the 8th element in the periodic table. Now, as any high schooler who's ever glanced up at the chalkboard during science class will tell you, the 8th element is oxygen. Not Humanium, or whatever. It's funny because they're obviously aware of the existence of oxygen, since they mention in the ad that water is "hydrogen bonding with oxygen." And yet they refuse to look at a periodic table. How sloppy is this concept?
The rest of this commercial is just a litany of elements, without saying anything about Dow or what it is or what it sells. Can I stop by my local Dow retailer on my way home from work? Could I pick up a couple of cans of Dow at the grocery store this weekend? What the hell is this company?
Dow Chemical is a company that manufactures plastics and performance chemicals and the like (by the way, Dow.com shows the fictional element "Hu" as element 52 - this is also wrong, the 52nd element is Tellurium [Te].) Why do behind-the-scenes companies like Dow bother spending the money to advertise? And advertise so ineffectively? Do you see commercial spots for Procter & Gamble? No, you see commercials for the crap they make - Tide, Charmin, Pringles.
Show me a commercial for one of your products, Dow - maybe I would watch it. What I won't watch? Poorly-conceived, vaguely-smart-sounding-but-ultimately-stupid ads for a company a consumer has no relationship with.
By the way, Dow, element 119 (not yet actually discovered), needs a permanent name. You could have the first-ever corporate-sponsored element. And luckily, "Hu" isn't taken yet! Get on it!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Look on my workout, ye mighty, and despair
Anyone who ever had to see this ad while innocently attempting to enjoy television, I'm sorry:
It would take a long time to point out everything that's infuriating about this commercial. I want to hit on some key points, though. Firstly, why is this guy my "bud"?
Workout Guy: Hey bud! I just got the new Fall Out Boy song on my VCast phone. It gets me pumped!
Dude, you are not my "bud." What if a girl is watching? Is she your bud? Also, look at this guy's shirt. This is a national ad, so why does he need to have streaky sweat stains all over himself? Sure, he's at a gym, but since when do commercials start showing reality?
Workout Guy: (puts headphones on camera so we can listen to song)
Oh, man, nasty! Those are so sweaty-ass headphones that have your ear wax all over them! Get those the hell away from me. And turn it the hell down!
The ad then plays "This ain't a scene, it's an arms race" by Fall Out Boy for less than 8 seconds. How is an 8 second clip from the middle of a random song going to sell me on anything? And is this an ad for the Fall Out Boy album, or for Verizon?
Informal poll: What's your favorite of this guy's white boy dance moves?
A. The Durst Arm Flap
B. The Finger Twirl (aka The Richard Simmons)
C. Emphatic Finger Point (world premiere of this move)
D. Baboon Bicep Strain
Workout Guy: (takes call, smirks) It's my lady.
Okay, hold it. Stop advertising, everybody. We all need to hold off for just a moment here and catch our breath. Listen up: first thing's first -- we need to find the copywriter who wrote this line. The punishment must be swift and merciless. Next, we need to learn our lesson. We need to take a stand. We need to tell the country that we won't let this kind of hacky, half-assed dialog on the airwaves ever again. Ever. You know it's awful. You know it makes people cringe. You know only 7-year old girls would giggle about it, and you know they aren't in the cell phone market. Just make sure this is the only time this ever happens. Now, you may resume making mediocre advertising.
The payoff joke is, apparently, the guy in the background dropping the weight because Workout Guy, who had been spotting him, leaves to take a call. This is unacceptably unfunny. When you create a massive choad like Workout Guy, you need to make fun of him more than this. You need to explain to people that you're displaying this kind of behavior as ironic, humorous, or whatever. You need to work much, much harder. You owe it to TV viewers, and you owe it to your marketing budget.
This commercial is a new low, Verizon. Go sit in the corner.
Side note: Workout Guy is played by Silas Gaither, of Survivor: Africa non-fame. He placed twelfth and is currently working as a bartender in LA, according to Survivor Wiki. In his spare time he enjoys spotting buds at the gym, looking sweaty, and making people reevaluate their perception of contemporary American media.
It would take a long time to point out everything that's infuriating about this commercial. I want to hit on some key points, though. Firstly, why is this guy my "bud"?
Workout Guy: Hey bud! I just got the new Fall Out Boy song on my VCast phone. It gets me pumped!
Dude, you are not my "bud." What if a girl is watching? Is she your bud? Also, look at this guy's shirt. This is a national ad, so why does he need to have streaky sweat stains all over himself? Sure, he's at a gym, but since when do commercials start showing reality?
Workout Guy: (puts headphones on camera so we can listen to song)
Oh, man, nasty! Those are so sweaty-ass headphones that have your ear wax all over them! Get those the hell away from me. And turn it the hell down!
The ad then plays "This ain't a scene, it's an arms race" by Fall Out Boy for less than 8 seconds. How is an 8 second clip from the middle of a random song going to sell me on anything? And is this an ad for the Fall Out Boy album, or for Verizon?
Informal poll: What's your favorite of this guy's white boy dance moves?
A. The Durst Arm Flap
B. The Finger Twirl (aka The Richard Simmons)
C. Emphatic Finger Point (world premiere of this move)
D. Baboon Bicep Strain
Workout Guy: (takes call, smirks) It's my lady.
Okay, hold it. Stop advertising, everybody. We all need to hold off for just a moment here and catch our breath. Listen up: first thing's first -- we need to find the copywriter who wrote this line. The punishment must be swift and merciless. Next, we need to learn our lesson. We need to take a stand. We need to tell the country that we won't let this kind of hacky, half-assed dialog on the airwaves ever again. Ever. You know it's awful. You know it makes people cringe. You know only 7-year old girls would giggle about it, and you know they aren't in the cell phone market. Just make sure this is the only time this ever happens. Now, you may resume making mediocre advertising.
The payoff joke is, apparently, the guy in the background dropping the weight because Workout Guy, who had been spotting him, leaves to take a call. This is unacceptably unfunny. When you create a massive choad like Workout Guy, you need to make fun of him more than this. You need to explain to people that you're displaying this kind of behavior as ironic, humorous, or whatever. You need to work much, much harder. You owe it to TV viewers, and you owe it to your marketing budget.
This commercial is a new low, Verizon. Go sit in the corner.
Side note: Workout Guy is played by Silas Gaither, of Survivor: Africa non-fame. He placed twelfth and is currently working as a bartender in LA, according to Survivor Wiki. In his spare time he enjoys spotting buds at the gym, looking sweaty, and making people reevaluate their perception of contemporary American media.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
You're stupid AND you can't write
If you've ever watched television in America, you've probably seen commercials for consumer products. If you've ever listened to one of these commercials, you probably know that you're supposed to be a total moron. Sharpie, makers of writing implements designed for professional athletes, has appealed once again to your idiocy:
Voiceover: My infatuation for you over the preceding months has been exponentially increased with each passing of the
No one writes likes this. No one. Not even the worst writer in the world. Not even a computer you programmed to produce the worst writing in the world. This kind of writing does not require a Sharpie to rewrite itself -- it requires remedial, elementary-school writing instruction.
Voiceover: (grunts) (writes "Love ya babe!")
"UGH!... GAH!... (burps)... OOGAH!" This is how a real American talks. We don't have time for messages that take more than 2 seconds to read. In fact, we don't know how to read messages that are longer than three words. Don't you realize that if it takes me 20 seconds to a read a note from my significant other, then I'd only get to see 10 seconds of the next commercial on television? That's simply unacceptable.
Voiceover: Dear Mr. Swinkley, Much as I have enjoyed working a 70-hour week for you over the last two years, the time has -
You're starting a sentence with "much"? Can't you at least properly mock people who write in polysyllabic clauses, Sharpie?
Voiceover: (grunts) (writes "I QUIT!")
"THIS IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF! THIS IS THE WAY PEOPLE SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO WRITE PROFESSIONAL LETTERS OF RESIGNATION! YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU HAVE EXTRA WIDE-RULED PAPER!"
Graphic: Sharpie. WRITE OUT LOUD!
"Sharpie. Double plus good."
Graphic: TM
Damn! They trademarked that slogan! I was totally going to copy it and use it in an ad for my new invention: CAVEMAN MAMMOTH BLOOD PAINT - WRITE OUT LOUD!
For the record, I actually liked the art direction on this one -- the animation with the pencil is cool and kind of minimalist. It's well-executed from a visual standpoint. But, hell, you can dress a hog up in a prom dress -- you'll still have a really ugly date.
Voiceover: My infatuation for you over the preceding months has been exponentially increased with each passing of the
No one writes likes this. No one. Not even the worst writer in the world. Not even a computer you programmed to produce the worst writing in the world. This kind of writing does not require a Sharpie to rewrite itself -- it requires remedial, elementary-school writing instruction.
Voiceover: (grunts) (writes "Love ya babe!")
"UGH!... GAH!... (burps)... OOGAH!" This is how a real American talks. We don't have time for messages that take more than 2 seconds to read. In fact, we don't know how to read messages that are longer than three words. Don't you realize that if it takes me 20 seconds to a read a note from my significant other, then I'd only get to see 10 seconds of the next commercial on television? That's simply unacceptable.
Voiceover: Dear Mr. Swinkley, Much as I have enjoyed working a 70-hour week for you over the last two years, the time has -
You're starting a sentence with "much"? Can't you at least properly mock people who write in polysyllabic clauses, Sharpie?
Voiceover: (grunts) (writes "I QUIT!")
"THIS IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF! THIS IS THE WAY PEOPLE SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO WRITE PROFESSIONAL LETTERS OF RESIGNATION! YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU HAVE EXTRA WIDE-RULED PAPER!"
Graphic: Sharpie. WRITE OUT LOUD!
"Sharpie. Double plus good."
Graphic: TM
Damn! They trademarked that slogan! I was totally going to copy it and use it in an ad for my new invention: CAVEMAN MAMMOTH BLOOD PAINT - WRITE OUT LOUD!
For the record, I actually liked the art direction on this one -- the animation with the pencil is cool and kind of minimalist. It's well-executed from a visual standpoint. But, hell, you can dress a hog up in a prom dress -- you'll still have a really ugly date.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Computers? No thanks, I have my slide rule
Isn't it enough that a pathetic majority of advertisers are talking to us like we're dumb? Now we have Century 21 just flat out telling us we're dumb:
Graphic: Can a computer do it all?
This sounds like one of those pamphlets weirdo fundamentalists pass out on the street, "Humans... descended from monkeys?"
Oh, no! The "Com-put-er"! Demon machine! Boxy, noisy plaything of Satan! Don't let it eat your tiny brain, American television viewer! It's not even helpful, anyway.
Realtor (smugly): Some people think they can do it all on the computer
"Some people. People who think they're smart. People who went to college, or something gay like that. But don't worry, they're just as stupid and helpless as you. Thankfully, there's help -- in the form of a realtor taking a 6% commission."
Realtor (almost indignantly): Find a home, sell a home.
Find a home. Sell a home. Well, there's two things that can be done on a computer, and there's more, believe it or not. Maybe Century 21 is talking about a computer that isn't hooked up to the internet.
Realtor: Except the computer can't do what I do at Century 21.
If finding a home and selling a home are what you do at Century 21, then you're wrong here. That can be done on a computer. It can be done easily. It could be done by someone with a middle school education. It could be done by someone who is barely literate. It could be done by an immigrant from a developing nation who took a computer class through a junior college at night while he worked for $5 an hour for ten hours during the day. In short, it could be done by an American, commonly known to you and other advertisers as a chimpanzee.
Realtor: Understand your needs
My computer doesn't need to understand my needs because I understand my needs, and I'm the one sitting in front of my computer. The computer is not a Turing machine or something where I ask it to complete a task and it gives me one answer. I have the ability to use my own intelligence and judgment while I'm operating the computer to enhance its computational functionality. For instance, when I'm looking for properties I might want to buy, I can tell my computer to ignore anything listed by a Century 21 agent.
Realtor (choppily, as though completely bullshitting): The subtleties of the market, the neighborhood
"Subtleties of the market"! Nice one, girl! You pulled that one out of where the sun don't shine. Sadly, once again, the computer's got that one covered.
The neighborhood? Hmm, you may have stumped me there. Unless it were a Jetsons-style computer that unbundled, expanded, grew wheels and drove you around the neighborhood.... oh wait, what? We don't need that? You mean we have web sites, map tools, detailed map tools, and even more, detaileder map tools that border on violating the right to privacy?
Realtor: The schools, the process
Schools? Wrong. The process? Whatever, you'll need a lawyer anyway, and s/he will know the process cold. Alternatively, there are web sites that can walk you through how to make an offer, or a counter-offer, sign a mortgage, or whatever.
Realtor: To watch your eyes when you walk into a home and know right away that you're in love with it.
(Walking up to a listed house with a Century 21 agent)
Agent: So, this next house I really think you're going to like. Especially since, as a Century 21 realtor, I understand your needs.
Buyer: Hmm, thanks. Strangely, I also understand my needs. And do all Century 21 realtors talk like that?
Agent: I would describe the market as riddled with subtleties right now.
Buyer: Not really, it's just a down market while we're coming out of a massive, unchecked housing bo-
Agent: The neighborhood here is really nice, too.
Buyer: I know. I looked it up at home on my compu-
Agent: The schools here are great. Take my word for it.
Buyer: Actually, I checked out the district on the internet, and the ISAT test scores were below state aver-
Agent: Let me talk to you about the process...
(Entering home.)
Buyer (looks at home for first time): Hmm, this is kind of nic-
Agent: You're in love with it! I knew that right away! I can do this thing? Where I watch your eyes, and I can tell right away when you're in love with a house!
Buyer: Why are you even here?
Realtor: No computer can do that.
Man, the luddites at Century 21 better have their baseball bats ready this fall when IBM introduces the new InstaProperty-Approval Retinal Scantron DX. They're gonna be pissed.
Graphic: Can a computer do it all?
This sounds like one of those pamphlets weirdo fundamentalists pass out on the street, "Humans... descended from monkeys?"
Oh, no! The "Com-put-er"! Demon machine! Boxy, noisy plaything of Satan! Don't let it eat your tiny brain, American television viewer! It's not even helpful, anyway.
Realtor (smugly): Some people think they can do it all on the computer
"Some people. People who think they're smart. People who went to college, or something gay like that. But don't worry, they're just as stupid and helpless as you. Thankfully, there's help -- in the form of a realtor taking a 6% commission."
Realtor (almost indignantly): Find a home, sell a home.
Find a home. Sell a home. Well, there's two things that can be done on a computer, and there's more, believe it or not. Maybe Century 21 is talking about a computer that isn't hooked up to the internet.
Realtor: Except the computer can't do what I do at Century 21.
If finding a home and selling a home are what you do at Century 21, then you're wrong here. That can be done on a computer. It can be done easily. It could be done by someone with a middle school education. It could be done by someone who is barely literate. It could be done by an immigrant from a developing nation who took a computer class through a junior college at night while he worked for $5 an hour for ten hours during the day. In short, it could be done by an American, commonly known to you and other advertisers as a chimpanzee.
Realtor: Understand your needs
My computer doesn't need to understand my needs because I understand my needs, and I'm the one sitting in front of my computer. The computer is not a Turing machine or something where I ask it to complete a task and it gives me one answer. I have the ability to use my own intelligence and judgment while I'm operating the computer to enhance its computational functionality. For instance, when I'm looking for properties I might want to buy, I can tell my computer to ignore anything listed by a Century 21 agent.
Realtor (choppily, as though completely bullshitting): The subtleties of the market, the neighborhood
"Subtleties of the market"! Nice one, girl! You pulled that one out of where the sun don't shine. Sadly, once again, the computer's got that one covered.
The neighborhood? Hmm, you may have stumped me there. Unless it were a Jetsons-style computer that unbundled, expanded, grew wheels and drove you around the neighborhood.... oh wait, what? We don't need that? You mean we have web sites, map tools, detailed map tools, and even more, detaileder map tools that border on violating the right to privacy?
Realtor: The schools, the process
Schools? Wrong. The process? Whatever, you'll need a lawyer anyway, and s/he will know the process cold. Alternatively, there are web sites that can walk you through how to make an offer, or a counter-offer, sign a mortgage, or whatever.
Realtor: To watch your eyes when you walk into a home and know right away that you're in love with it.
(Walking up to a listed house with a Century 21 agent)
Agent: So, this next house I really think you're going to like. Especially since, as a Century 21 realtor, I understand your needs.
Buyer: Hmm, thanks. Strangely, I also understand my needs. And do all Century 21 realtors talk like that?
Agent: I would describe the market as riddled with subtleties right now.
Buyer: Not really, it's just a down market while we're coming out of a massive, unchecked housing bo-
Agent: The neighborhood here is really nice, too.
Buyer: I know. I looked it up at home on my compu-
Agent: The schools here are great. Take my word for it.
Buyer: Actually, I checked out the district on the internet, and the ISAT test scores were below state aver-
Agent: Let me talk to you about the process...
(Entering home.)
Buyer (looks at home for first time): Hmm, this is kind of nic-
Agent: You're in love with it! I knew that right away! I can do this thing? Where I watch your eyes, and I can tell right away when you're in love with a house!
Buyer: Why are you even here?
Realtor: No computer can do that.
Man, the luddites at Century 21 better have their baseball bats ready this fall when IBM introduces the new InstaProperty-Approval Retinal Scantron DX. They're gonna be pissed.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Where's the non-crap?
The fact that this commercial is a minute long offends my sensibilities.
I assume that most iterations of this ad airing on TV are only 30 seconds, but even so. This is a full minute that no one is getting back. Let's break it down:
0:00 - 0:08: Tree kicking
No wonder this isn't a 30-second ad; it would already be more than a quarter over and all we've seen so far is... well, whatever this is supposed to be. Certainly the tree-kicking is supposed to be a metaphor for "routine" or something like that, but... tree-kicking? Really? We couldn't think of anything even slightly less inane to fill this time?
Guy with Wendy's Hair: "Wait a minute... this feels all wrong."
Okay, this guy has Wendy's hair. The accidental implication here is that Wendy's used to use frozen beef and now doesn't, even though that's not the case. But if the guy represents someone who is "thinking Wendy's," to co-opt a competitor's slogan, why is he kicking trees in the first place? Even aside from the "fresh, never frozen" deal, I think Wendy's already has a pretty good claim to being the fast food chain with the best overall quality. Given the ubiquity of McDonald's, of course, they're going to want to talk up their differences. But I have to think there was a better way to do it than what follows.
[fully fifteen fucking seconds of voice-over that add about three seconds of information to the ad]
That's how you pad a commercial out, kids. Learn from the best. The only salient point in there: "Why eat a hamburger made from frozen beef? It'll be all dry." Everything else in that bit is either said or shown elsewhere in the ad.
Guy: "I deserve a hot juicy burger! That's right, you heard me!"
I don't know, dude. I don't think we heard you. Could you say it, like, a hundred more times?
Guy: "I deserve a hot juicy burger!"
There's one.
Guy: "And not because I can tear a phone book with my bare hands, no!"
Yeah, uh, what? Did that have anything to do with anything, or was it just two more seconds you had to fill? Jesus, why is this ad a minute long???
Guy: "I deserve a hot juicy burger..."
Two.
Guy: "...because I have a mouth. And it wants one."
Well, I guess you can't attack the message any more simply than that. Wendy's: Cram one in your face!
Guy: "And so do you. And so do you!"
Is there anything this guy won't repeat?
Guy: "Hot juicy burger! Hot juicy burger! Hot juicy burger!" et fucking cetera
Well, maybe it wasn't a hundred. But it might as well have been. Have we really been reduced to this point as a culture, where the most effective method of advertising is just to scream some buzzwords over and over again?
Guy: "That's right!"
And here we are, dumbing it down even more. The previous Wendy's slogan, you may recall, was "Do what tastes right." This is like that slogan for three-year-olds. It's not quite "Yay!", but it's right up there. Wendy's apparently went to the new slogan because recent ad campaigns failed to connect: everyone hated Mr. Wendy (try and guess why) and "Do what tastes right" was not "emotional" enough. So is that why this guy practically chokes up while stating how badly he wants a hamburger? If this is the direction things are going, allow me to suggest the next Wendy's ad campaign:
Ah, feel the emotion. That one's for free, Wendy's.
I assume that most iterations of this ad airing on TV are only 30 seconds, but even so. This is a full minute that no one is getting back. Let's break it down:
0:00 - 0:08: Tree kicking
No wonder this isn't a 30-second ad; it would already be more than a quarter over and all we've seen so far is... well, whatever this is supposed to be. Certainly the tree-kicking is supposed to be a metaphor for "routine" or something like that, but... tree-kicking? Really? We couldn't think of anything even slightly less inane to fill this time?
Guy with Wendy's Hair: "Wait a minute... this feels all wrong."
Okay, this guy has Wendy's hair. The accidental implication here is that Wendy's used to use frozen beef and now doesn't, even though that's not the case. But if the guy represents someone who is "thinking Wendy's," to co-opt a competitor's slogan, why is he kicking trees in the first place? Even aside from the "fresh, never frozen" deal, I think Wendy's already has a pretty good claim to being the fast food chain with the best overall quality. Given the ubiquity of McDonald's, of course, they're going to want to talk up their differences. But I have to think there was a better way to do it than what follows.
[fully fifteen fucking seconds of voice-over that add about three seconds of information to the ad]
That's how you pad a commercial out, kids. Learn from the best. The only salient point in there: "Why eat a hamburger made from frozen beef? It'll be all dry." Everything else in that bit is either said or shown elsewhere in the ad.
Guy: "I deserve a hot juicy burger! That's right, you heard me!"
I don't know, dude. I don't think we heard you. Could you say it, like, a hundred more times?
Guy: "I deserve a hot juicy burger!"
There's one.
Guy: "And not because I can tear a phone book with my bare hands, no!"
Yeah, uh, what? Did that have anything to do with anything, or was it just two more seconds you had to fill? Jesus, why is this ad a minute long???
Guy: "I deserve a hot juicy burger..."
Two.
Guy: "...because I have a mouth. And it wants one."
Well, I guess you can't attack the message any more simply than that. Wendy's: Cram one in your face!
Guy: "And so do you. And so do you!"
Is there anything this guy won't repeat?
Guy: "Hot juicy burger! Hot juicy burger! Hot juicy burger!" et fucking cetera
Well, maybe it wasn't a hundred. But it might as well have been. Have we really been reduced to this point as a culture, where the most effective method of advertising is just to scream some buzzwords over and over again?
Guy: "That's right!"
And here we are, dumbing it down even more. The previous Wendy's slogan, you may recall, was "Do what tastes right." This is like that slogan for three-year-olds. It's not quite "Yay!", but it's right up there. Wendy's apparently went to the new slogan because recent ad campaigns failed to connect: everyone hated Mr. Wendy (try and guess why) and "Do what tastes right" was not "emotional" enough. So is that why this guy practically chokes up while stating how badly he wants a hamburger? If this is the direction things are going, allow me to suggest the next Wendy's ad campaign:
[Quick fade up on the dining room of a Wendy's restaurant. A man is sitting at a table, holding a Wendy's hamburger. He takes a bite, chews, swallows, and begins to cry.]
Man: [sobbing]
[Other people in the restaurant begin to look at him. He takes another bite and sobs even harder.]
Man: [continued sobbing]
[The above two paragraphs repeat approximately nineteen times. Finally, a Wendy's employee approaches.]
Employee: Is everything okay, sir?
Man [through tears, of course]: This burger... [sniffles] ...was it made with fresh, not frozen, beef?
Employee: Of course, sir. That's how we do it at Wendy's.
Man [starts to cry even harder, but chokes out the following]: So great.
[Wendy's logo slaps on the screen, followed by the slogan as it is spoken.]
Commanding Male Voice-over: Wendy's! So great!
Ah, feel the emotion. That one's for free, Wendy's.
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