I dunno, my BFF Kmart?

If there's one thing we love here at The Ad Wizards, it's when commercials attempt to make up new words that they hope will turn into the argot of the 21st century. Like when Comcast tried to push shit like "phoruption" on us. Or Wendy's and "meatatarian." Did I say love? Sorry, I meant "hate with the fire of a thousand suns." Fortunately, Kmart would never stoop to that level.



Alternately, they would make one of the most painful ads in history, using this mediocre gimmick. Hey, Kmart - you know you're Kmart, right? Do you really think you're going to convince us that you're the cool place where all the hip kids shop?

Teacher: "Your word is 'rockstare.'"

First of all, what is the context here? "Your word is" implies some sort of spelling bee, but we're in a normal classroom, and I'm pretty sure in a spelling bee the other contestants aren't allowed to shout definitions. Also this is retarded.

Boy: "Definition, please?"
Girl 1: "It's that look you get when you dress like a rock star!"

Notice how the bass-heavy music starts playing at this point. Young people, am I right?

Girl 2: "These jeans? Were made for rockstaring."

Stop. We all know this is not a thing. Stop trying to make it happen. Second of all, what are these kids, 12 years old? Do you think there's a chance we could not go to the "showing-off-my-ass" shot? Also, I know we're in an economic downturn and what have you, but $12 jeans are not considered cool by anyone except your mom.

Girl 3: "You put the rock in rockstare." [pops sweatshirt embarrassingly]

And this commercial puts the fake in "That is some seriously fake shit that would never happen anywhere, ever."

Announcer: "Don't just shop back to school, rock back to school, at Kmart!"

And another 12-year-old ass shot, just for good measure. I guess it's hard to display jeans without showing someone's bottom half, but when you move on to this:

Girl 4: "I could rockstare at those jeans all day!"

That's just going nowhere good.

[Girl 4 looks over at a boy in a hoodie.]
Boy 2: "Are you rockstaring at me?"
[Class laughs good-naturedly]

Oh, the world of commercials. Here's how that plays out in real life:

[Girl looks over at boy.]
Boy: Are you rockstaring at me?
Girl: [disgusted] What?
Boy: You know, um, rockstaring? Like, staring at someone because they look like a rock star...
Other Boy: What, did you just make that up?
Boy: No, it's... it was in a commercial...
Girl: You mean that Kmart commercial?
[Entire class laughs derisively; boy bursts into tears]
Girl: Anyway, I was just wondering how long it had been since you took a shower.

Blue Light Bulb: "There's smart... and there's Kmart smart."

"There's annoying... and there's stab myself in the face with a rusty ice pick annoying."

It would be one thing if I thought this ad had any basis in reality, but you know it was just dreamed up by some 35-year-old creative writer who fell asleep with "High School Musical" on the night before.

Of course, this wouldn't be advertising if they only used a horrible idea once.



Teacher: "Your word is 'blingitude.'"
Presumably a Boy: "Definition, please?"

Nice hair, jackass.

Girl 1: "Blingitude is a girl's BFF, AEAE."

Maybe I'm getting old, but I actually had to Google this because I had no idea what the fuck "AEAE" was supposed to be. Apparently it's short for "and ever and ever," which is so utterly useless an addition that it just makes me angry. I wouldn't even mention it except that I found the answer at Yahoo! Answers, and check out the question being asked. Brand recognition FTW!

Girl 2: "My jeans practically invented blingitude."

Has "bling" really already morphed into just meaning "thing that is kind of good"? This is nonsensical.

Girl 3: "When it comes to blingitude, sometimes less is... way more!"

"See, kids, it's totally cool if your outfit only cost ten bucks!" This ad paid for by Moms Incorporated.

Girl 4: "And sometimes, more is more!"

Peace sign with wings: super cool. Super blingy. I remember that episode of MTV's Cribs when they went over to Jay-Z's mansion and he came out wearing a t-shirt with a winged peace sign and was all, "Check this bling out, holla!" (Note: May not have happened.)

More gratuitous middle school ass (this ad now paid for by People Who Have Appeared on To Catch a Predator Incorporated) leads us into the final "joke":

Nerd-Type: "Do I have blingitude?"
[Long pause]
All [in that "We're only saying this to be nice" way]: "...Yeah!"
[Nerd-type seems relieved]

Good thing Kmart is around to break down the social barriers of grade school! By making sure that everyone understands that fat kid + glasses = total dork, whereas the rest of the students, with their trendy bargain outfits and 80-pound, model-thin frames, are the arbiters of cool. Seek that approval, nerds! It's as easy as shopping at Kmart. I suggest bragging constantly that that's where you got your back-to-school outfit; you're sure to be a hit!

Bad things come in threes

So, you're "the new AT&T" (i.e. the old AT&T plus Cingular). You've made two really, really stupid commercials that encourage purchasing an unlimited text messaging plan by pointing out that kids text message a whole hell of a lot and often make no sense as a result. What's your next move? If you said "Making an ad that basically calls people who text a bunch of illiterate morons," you're right!



This concept was stupid the first time out; the second time, it was just painful. But this? I don't even know what to say about this one. First of all, everyone knows what "ROTFL" stands for at this point. It's not 2002 anymore. Second of all, thanks for translating "8 points," in case we weren't sure if that was more "crazy talk!" Also, among the other words on that board is something ending in -YL. Really? Basically the only common English word ending in -YL is "vinyl," but that doesn't look like an N above the Y. In fact, it sort of looks like someone already played "TTYL." Which, if so, the mom has some nerve getting upset about ROTFL when she's apparently been willing to let whatever shit springs to her daughter's head make it to the board up until this point.

At least in this ad, AT&T restricted themselves to terms in common use - as stupid as ONUD sounds, a Google search will confirm that it's actually in use in places other than the heads of the people at AT&T's agency. But the kicker for the ad is when the mother says to the daughter, "I have completely failed you as a parent." What? That's kind of an odd thing to go out on, isn't it? Especially when followed by the daughter's shit-eating grin - "Hooray, Mom can't understand us and thinks we're borderline retarded - isn't this great?" The exaggeration of the generation gap in these ads is so huge I'm surprised they don't show the grandmother screaming about pictures coming to life when someone turns on the TV.

But what's the point behind this ad, anyway? The initial ones were a family where the kids texted all the time, which frustrated the mother because the cell phone bill was huge. So now, I guess, everyone has the unlimited texting plan... which has just encouraged their English to fall even further into a shambles and oddly distanced them from any family gathering. (Would you play Scrabble with three people who were just sitting there texting their friends during the whole game?) I'm confused. Is this a good thing? Is this something I want to strive for? This ad doesn't make me want to get unlimited texting, it makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry for the future of humanity, then go get a vasectomy. There's only two ways this ad can go - either AT&T sides with the daughter and it's just making fun of how out of touch the mother is, or (more likely) they side with the mother. Which means the message of this ad is, "We think people who need this plan are drooling imbeciles, but we'd still like their money, or at least the money of whoever makes the household's communication decisions." Nice.

Stupidmashynameagogo

You know what's funny? Combining the names of places into one big unpronounceable mess. Tee hee. Take that ball and run with it, AT&T!



Guy: "I'm a student. I grew up in Philadelphia."
Mom: "What are you doing, sweetie?"
Guy: "I'm texting, Mom."

"You're probably not familiar with this method of communication, dinosaurs. It involves transmitting words over great distances? Ba-duh." What is this guy even a student of? He looks like he's 35.

Guy: "But I go to school in Delaware."

Wow, Delaware? Hold the phone. All the way from Philadelphia? Distance from Philadelphia to the University of Delaware: 40 miles. That is some coverage plan you've got there.

Guy: "My brother goes to school in Prague."

This is where the commercial gets confusing. Is this guy actually supposed to be spending time in Prague? Or is he just texting his brother? Because a phone that lets you call other places isn't exactly a revolution. I hope it's the former.

Guy: "I got a bunch of friends who study in Chicago!"

Wow. A major American city. Can you believe there's a cell phone that works in Philadelphia and Chicago? I feel like I should be picking it up from the store in my flying car and then letting my robot butler program it for me!

Guy: "So I need a network that works where I live."

I guess he was supposed to be in Prague. A couple points back. Although seriously, if you have relatives who are just studying abroad, how often are you really visiting them? Maybe a couple times a year?

Guy: "A place called 'Phila-ware-Prague-icago.'"

Sigh. AT&T, there is really nothing funny about this. It's just kind of lame. And the whole "other countries" thing is useful, but a phone that works across the US is a phone. I'm not aware of any major provider who has a problem with domestic coverage.

Voice-over: "The new AT&T. Works in more places."

More places than what? This is one of those totally empty statements that commercials are all too prone to using. Does it work in more places than it used to? Does it work in more places than the competitor? What are you saying? Oh, this was just an excuse to build an ad campaign around "funny" mashed-up place names? Well, all right.

The Internet is a series of YouTubes

Here's a fun fact: the Internet sometimes has silly videos on it. Capitalizing on this groundbreaking information is the new series of Geico ads:



I don't understand. Didn't Geico build its market share using the Internet? Why are they acting like they just discovered it yesterday? This is the kind of thing I would expect from a bunch of 60-year-old guys in a room. "Hey, you know what would be great for an ad? Internet videos! The kids seem to love 'em!" Naturally the premise is that there are better things you could do online than watch stupid videos, as though this was a piece of information that anyone was missing. "I know the Internet compiles virtually all the knowledge of the world and near-endless resources for obtaining insurance quotes... but no, I'm going to watch this guy make noises with his mouth for another five minutes."

The whole thing is pretty lame, but it is also unbelievably lazy. The kid pictured is, as best I can tell from YouTube, an actual guy who posts these stupid videos. Geico bought the rights, because I guess that's cheaper than paying an actor to do something similar? The other ad I saw in this series is the exact same case. This is like the reality TV of commercials - why pay actors when you can just dump something "unscripted" onto the airwaves, then sit back and reap the benefits? Given how many bad ideas the marketing geniuses at Geico have foisted on us, though, I guess I shouldn't complain when they just stop trying.

Kids do love yelling

As with most commercials almost undoubtedly conceived and written by fortysomething ad executives, this Dunkin Donuts ad plays like something that was thought up by someone who didn't know any teenagers, but did watch a couple minutes of MTV for research purposes.



Unfortunately for our hypothetical ad exec - let's call him "Fred Harris" - he happened to turn on MTV during their "Run Old Limp Bizkit Videos" hour. Thus, he was left with the following list of things that he thought kids liked:

* Screaming
* Listening to loud music
* Destruction of property

That night at dinner, Fred discussed his commercial idea with his family:

Fred: ...so, based on the ideas I gleaned from that "MTV" channel, I decided that the commercial should center around destroying things by ripping them in half. It's going to be things that humans couldn't normally rip in half, either. That'll show the awesome energy provided by the Sobe Coolatta.
Mary (Fred's wife): I don't know, dear. It seems awfully aggressive. And is that really going to sustain an entire 45-second commercial, just showing things that have been ripped in half?
Fred: Mary, you don't understand the ad business. It's going to be a bunch of different things that have been ripped in half. Mattresses, basketball hoops, cars...
Billy (Fred's 15-year-old son): Dad, that sounds stupid. Me and my friends don't even like Dunkin Donuts.
Fred: Don't you call my job stupid, you little punk. You ever wonder what's putting that food on your plate?
Mary: Fred, calm down.
Billy: I'm just saying, Dad! Limp Bizkit hasn't been popular for like, six years.
Fred: No, you listen to me! This Durst kid is tapping into the spirit of the American teenager, okay? I've seen the future, and its soundtrack is "Break Stuff!" Except that we're going to write a song that's similar to that, called "Rip Things in Half," and use that. A lot cheaper that way.
Billy: Dad, no one even listens to music like that anymore! And speaking of a lot cheaper, why would I shell out for a whole Coolatta when I can just get a bottle of Mountain Dew?
Fred: Because Dew isn't going to help you RIP STUFF IN HALF! That's what kids like! Ripping things in half! Destruction! Yelling!
Billy: God, you're so embarrassing.
Mary: Fred, how many free coolattas did Dunkin Donuts give you at the meeting?
Fred: I don't know, I think I had four or five. Why do you ask?