All right, Dodge. Your American Revolution ad was ridiculous. You've got 30 more seconds to sell me on the Challenger. And... go.
Sigh.
It doesn't take a genius to elucidate the reasons this ad is stupid, but let's cover them.
Voiceover: "When people see a UFO, they never say, 'I wonder what those consumer review sites would think about that thing.'"
Uh... what? I can think of about 500 reasons not only why no one would do that, but why no one would ever think that anyone would do that, including, but not limited to:
* No one is planning on buying a UFO, hence the lack of a need to see product reviews
* No one thinks consumer review sites would have information on a UFO
* What in blue fuck is wrong with you
Voiceover: "They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO!'"
First of all, I don't care how cool you think your car looks. It is not analogous to alien spacecraft technology. Second of all, I think anyone with half a brain can see the half-assed snow job Dodge is attempting to pull. This is like putting out a shitty movie, refusing to screen it for critics, then running ads that say, "When people see a beautiful sunset, they don't say, 'I wonder if Roger Ebert would give this sunset a thumbs-up.'" Dodge is basically saying, "Hey, this 30-second slow-motion shot of our car driving ten feet? That's all you need to see. What? Shut up. Stop asking questions. The Car Fox doesn't work here." It's nothing more than basic misdirection, an attempt to get you to focus on the one thing they're apparently actually proud of - the car's design - at the expense of anything else. I mean, don't most car ads have pricing, or some listing of features, or even just some legal boilerplate? Not this one. But it compares the car to a UFO, so hey, there's that.
Other copy that Dodge rejected for the ad:
"When people see a UFO, they never say, 'I wonder what kind of gas mileage that thing gets.' They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO.'"
"When people see a UFO, they never say, 'What do you suppose that costs? I sure would be interested in seeing some lease information.' They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO.'"
"When people see a UFO, they never say, 'Yeah, but the UFOs made in the Vega system are cheaper, safer and more reliable. I'm just not sure I want to buy an Andromedan UFO this time.' They say, 'Dude, that's a freaking UFO.'"
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Battle of Car-atoga
A couple years ago, I made a post about a Pepsi ad that implied that a young Jimi Hendrix was inspired to play guitar because of his love for Pepsi. In it, I joked that Pepsi rejected a script suggesting that Pepsi also inspired Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence. As it happens, there are two commercials out right now that took that ball and ran with it. I couldn't find one online, so here's the other.
To say that Dodge has been going a bit over the top with its ad campaign lately is probably understating it. First, they mocked you alternately for being a big pussy who drives a minivan and for being a big pussy who doesn't drive a minivan. (Can't win with these guys.) Now... well, look, I know this ad is not seriously suggesting that George Washington drove a Dodge Challenger. But what is it suggesting?
The takeaway association is that Dodge, as a company, is somehow emblematic of the American spirit. America got freedom right, and we, Dodge, got cars right! At the risk of appearing humorless, I just find this ad kind of crass. It's one thing to be a goofy local ad where some guy dressed as George Washington says, "I cannot tell a lie - Discount Warehouse has great deals!" It's quite another to be a major corporation running a straight-faced ad implying that Washington would have approved of your business model.
The more annoying thing, of course, is that this is the only pitch. Anything to say about the car? No. Totally fake scenario in which the car is being awesome? Sure, I guess. It's not like this is even an impressive driving shot or something like so many car commercials feature. And I dare you to take your Dodge Challenger out into some random field and see how it does.
Also, we're allies with the British, people. Maybe we don't need to run an ad which depicts them as initially oppressive and then cowardly in the face of our superior automobiles? I picture David Cameron seeing this and then changing the channel while muttering darkly, "Bloody hell, Yanks, it was 230 years ago! Let it go!"
To say that Dodge has been going a bit over the top with its ad campaign lately is probably understating it. First, they mocked you alternately for being a big pussy who drives a minivan and for being a big pussy who doesn't drive a minivan. (Can't win with these guys.) Now... well, look, I know this ad is not seriously suggesting that George Washington drove a Dodge Challenger. But what is it suggesting?
The takeaway association is that Dodge, as a company, is somehow emblematic of the American spirit. America got freedom right, and we, Dodge, got cars right! At the risk of appearing humorless, I just find this ad kind of crass. It's one thing to be a goofy local ad where some guy dressed as George Washington says, "I cannot tell a lie - Discount Warehouse has great deals!" It's quite another to be a major corporation running a straight-faced ad implying that Washington would have approved of your business model.
The more annoying thing, of course, is that this is the only pitch. Anything to say about the car? No. Totally fake scenario in which the car is being awesome? Sure, I guess. It's not like this is even an impressive driving shot or something like so many car commercials feature. And I dare you to take your Dodge Challenger out into some random field and see how it does.
Also, we're allies with the British, people. Maybe we don't need to run an ad which depicts them as initially oppressive and then cowardly in the face of our superior automobiles? I picture David Cameron seeing this and then changing the channel while muttering darkly, "Bloody hell, Yanks, it was 230 years ago! Let it go!"
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I'm lovin' being an antisocial jackass
Fun fact: I don't know anyone who likes this commercial.
I can honestly say I don't have the slightest idea what McDonald's was thinking with this one. I know in the last post I talked about going for "funny" characters at the expense of "likable" characters, but this guy isn't funny and it's not clear to me that McDonald's is really trying to be funny. It just thinks... well, I don't know what.
Roommate: "Hey dude, you gotta-"
Asshole: "Please, don't even talk to me until I've had my coffee."
Roommate: "Okay..."
Fun fact: they sell coffee in stores. They sell coffee machines in stores. If you're an enormous douchebag until you've had coffee, consider brewing some yourself before you leave the house. Also, is this the first time this ever happened? You'd think the guy's roommate, at least, would know the drill by now.
Neighbor: "Oh, hey, Tim, how's it-"
Asshole: "Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet."
Dog: [barks]
Asshole: "No."
If dog speak could be translated, I'm pretty sure that dog would be saying "Fuck you."
Woman on Bus: "Morning!"
Asshole: [stares, but at least manages not to say anything obnoxious]
There are like eleven million McDonald's on the planet and like fifteen million places to get Starbucks. Why the fuck has this asshole not just gone and gotten some fucking coffee yet?
McDonald's employee: "Welcome to McDonald's! Can I interest you in a-"
Asshole: "Not before I've had my coffee."
Okay, officially, WHAT THE FUCK. Who the fuck is this fucking asshole and why is he the centerpiece of a commercial? Hey, douchebag: WHY DID YOU EVEN GO INTO THE MCDONALD'S??? I assume you knew they had coffee there, and I saw you just looking at the menu - WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Order some coffee or shut the fuck up, you fucking knob.
McDonald's employee: "-premium roast coffee for just a dollar?"
Asshole: "Talk to me!"
He looks surprised. Seriously, why were you in there at all? There is only one reason why you'd go into a McDonald's while in an "I can't talk to anyone until I've had coffee!" stupor, and that is to get some fucking coffee. This guy's an asshole and an idiot.
After taking one sip of coffee he then proceeds to talk to multiple people on the sidewalk. They walk right past him, and they should, because he's an asshole. I love the triumphant music McDonald's plays during the coffee-pouring shot like they're really pleased with themselves. "Hey, caffeine zombies! Have we got the place for you!" If you're not just trying to be hilarious (and really, even if you are), shouldn't your ad's main character be trying to stand in for your customers in some way? Who would want to think of themselves as this kind of jackass? "Oh yeah, ha ha, that's totally me! God, I'm such an annoying asshole. Well, time to hook this IV of coffee to my vein lest I fail to have caffeine for ten seconds and start to snap!"
Not to get all preachy, by the way, but does it seem odd that you can have a commercial like this, where a character is basically saying "Sorry, I need my morning injection of drugs in order to function properly?" That's called habituation, people, and it indicates that maybe this douche should consider cutting back his caffeine intake just slightly.
Just as an aside: here, via a video I found on YouTube while searching for this ad, is what would happen if anyone behaved like this in real life. Yet more proof that everyone hates this ad.
I can honestly say I don't have the slightest idea what McDonald's was thinking with this one. I know in the last post I talked about going for "funny" characters at the expense of "likable" characters, but this guy isn't funny and it's not clear to me that McDonald's is really trying to be funny. It just thinks... well, I don't know what.
Roommate: "Hey dude, you gotta-"
Asshole: "Please, don't even talk to me until I've had my coffee."
Roommate: "Okay..."
Fun fact: they sell coffee in stores. They sell coffee machines in stores. If you're an enormous douchebag until you've had coffee, consider brewing some yourself before you leave the house. Also, is this the first time this ever happened? You'd think the guy's roommate, at least, would know the drill by now.
Neighbor: "Oh, hey, Tim, how's it-"
Asshole: "Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet."
Dog: [barks]
Asshole: "No."
If dog speak could be translated, I'm pretty sure that dog would be saying "Fuck you."
Woman on Bus: "Morning!"
Asshole: [stares, but at least manages not to say anything obnoxious]
There are like eleven million McDonald's on the planet and like fifteen million places to get Starbucks. Why the fuck has this asshole not just gone and gotten some fucking coffee yet?
McDonald's employee: "Welcome to McDonald's! Can I interest you in a-"
Asshole: "Not before I've had my coffee."
Okay, officially, WHAT THE FUCK. Who the fuck is this fucking asshole and why is he the centerpiece of a commercial? Hey, douchebag: WHY DID YOU EVEN GO INTO THE MCDONALD'S??? I assume you knew they had coffee there, and I saw you just looking at the menu - WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Order some coffee or shut the fuck up, you fucking knob.
McDonald's employee: "-premium roast coffee for just a dollar?"
Asshole: "Talk to me!"
He looks surprised. Seriously, why were you in there at all? There is only one reason why you'd go into a McDonald's while in an "I can't talk to anyone until I've had coffee!" stupor, and that is to get some fucking coffee. This guy's an asshole and an idiot.
After taking one sip of coffee he then proceeds to talk to multiple people on the sidewalk. They walk right past him, and they should, because he's an asshole. I love the triumphant music McDonald's plays during the coffee-pouring shot like they're really pleased with themselves. "Hey, caffeine zombies! Have we got the place for you!" If you're not just trying to be hilarious (and really, even if you are), shouldn't your ad's main character be trying to stand in for your customers in some way? Who would want to think of themselves as this kind of jackass? "Oh yeah, ha ha, that's totally me! God, I'm such an annoying asshole. Well, time to hook this IV of coffee to my vein lest I fail to have caffeine for ten seconds and start to snap!"
Not to get all preachy, by the way, but does it seem odd that you can have a commercial like this, where a character is basically saying "Sorry, I need my morning injection of drugs in order to function properly?" That's called habituation, people, and it indicates that maybe this douche should consider cutting back his caffeine intake just slightly.
Just as an aside: here, via a video I found on YouTube while searching for this ad, is what would happen if anyone behaved like this in real life. Yet more proof that everyone hates this ad.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wow! That's an awful commercial!
By this point I'm sure you've all seen that god-awful Staples "Wow, that's a low price" ad. You haven't? But you'd like to punish yourself? Well, okay.
That commercial, however, is not why we're here. We're here because of this one:
That's veteran character actor Joey Slotnick (I did not have to look this up in any way. Is that weird?) as the audience surrogate. And if you saw a guy doing that in a Staples, you would, in fact, probably react exactly as Slotnick does here - with grimaces and eventual sarcasm. But Staples isn't here to bury its ridiculous yelling pitchman. No, he wins this little duel, by smugly pointing to a price that is, in fact, so low that it would apparently cause anyone to go apeshit.
What is really the point here? This is easily one of the five most annoying pitchmen in history. That seems like exaggeration, but think about it. How many characters can you name off the top of your head who are more hateable? I might be able to come up with a handful, but even after I did that, I would have to concede that most of those characters at least have some sort of personality. This is just crazed yelling by an escaped mental patient. Not only is it obnoxious, it's some of the laziest writing you'll ever come across. Bear in mind that this ad is ostensibly supposed to be funny. So where's the joke?
And that was just the first ad. The fact that Staples had the gall to put this second commercial on the air shows that they recognize how stupid and annoying the first ad was. Here, they're admitting that they quite frankly don't give a shit. Why? Because for every reasonable person who hates these ads, there are apparently two who think it's hilarious to recreate them and post it to YouTube. This may not be the single laziest major-corporation, nationally-televised ad campaign in recent memory, but I can't think of any that are markedly lazier.
And the second ad is worse than the first. The first ad, while thoroughly unfunny, at least attempts a punchline.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Female Employee: "How many products do we carry?"
Male Employee: "Seven thousand."
Female Employee: "I'll get him a cart."
[more crazed yelling]
Painfully bad. However, it does follow the basic structure of a joke. The second ad? Not so much.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Man [sarcastically]: "I'm sorry, did you say something about a low price?"
[Lunatic points smugly]
Man: "Wow! That's a low price!"
Lunatic: "I know!"
As McBain might say, dat's de joke. In the first commercial, there's a bad joke surrounded by obnoxious yelling. In the second ad, Staples basically says, "Hey, we know you hated that first ad. So guess what? Now we're not even going to pretend there's anything else going on! We don't care what you think. We're going to shove this awful shit down your throat until you choke on it."
A couple posts ago I talked about those awful Toyota Sienna ads and how I didn't understand why you'd make an ad in which the presumed protagonists and pitchmen are so loathsome. But this really is what we've come to in advertising, isn't it? The point of this ad isn't really to be funny. Not even Staples could possibly think this ad was legitimately funny. But while it's unfunny and stupid and annoying... it is distinctive. In those Sienna ads, that family is awful and I have no desire to emulate them. But I did remember the ad. I personally don't believe the old adage "There's no such thing as bad publicity" - there have been ad campaigns that have led me to stop using a product because I hated them so much. But I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm shouting into the wind here.
If there's one thing I've learned in three years on this blog it's that corporations, almost to the last, are simply not interested in making good advertisements. They're interested in making money, and if Jay Leno, Jersey Shore and the Transformers films have taught us anything it's that in mass culture, there is no prerequisite of quality or value for success. Why does Staples make an ad like this? Because it's cheaper than making a good one and because they don't think it matters. And the sad part is they're probably right.
This is probably reading like a sign-off at this point, and it's not. We're not closing the blog, and in fact I've added a Twitter account - you can follow @windiermegatons if you want - so that I can throw up the occasional bite-sized thought on ads that annoy me but don't quite merit a full post (although sometimes, as with Buffalo Wild Wings, I get there eventually). But I'll be honest: this ad is so bad it's pushed me to the edge of the abyss.
That commercial, however, is not why we're here. We're here because of this one:
That's veteran character actor Joey Slotnick (I did not have to look this up in any way. Is that weird?) as the audience surrogate. And if you saw a guy doing that in a Staples, you would, in fact, probably react exactly as Slotnick does here - with grimaces and eventual sarcasm. But Staples isn't here to bury its ridiculous yelling pitchman. No, he wins this little duel, by smugly pointing to a price that is, in fact, so low that it would apparently cause anyone to go apeshit.
What is really the point here? This is easily one of the five most annoying pitchmen in history. That seems like exaggeration, but think about it. How many characters can you name off the top of your head who are more hateable? I might be able to come up with a handful, but even after I did that, I would have to concede that most of those characters at least have some sort of personality. This is just crazed yelling by an escaped mental patient. Not only is it obnoxious, it's some of the laziest writing you'll ever come across. Bear in mind that this ad is ostensibly supposed to be funny. So where's the joke?
And that was just the first ad. The fact that Staples had the gall to put this second commercial on the air shows that they recognize how stupid and annoying the first ad was. Here, they're admitting that they quite frankly don't give a shit. Why? Because for every reasonable person who hates these ads, there are apparently two who think it's hilarious to recreate them and post it to YouTube. This may not be the single laziest major-corporation, nationally-televised ad campaign in recent memory, but I can't think of any that are markedly lazier.
And the second ad is worse than the first. The first ad, while thoroughly unfunny, at least attempts a punchline.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Female Employee: "How many products do we carry?"
Male Employee: "Seven thousand."
Female Employee: "I'll get him a cart."
[more crazed yelling]
Painfully bad. However, it does follow the basic structure of a joke. The second ad? Not so much.
Lunatic: "Wow! That's a low price!" [x3]
Man [sarcastically]: "I'm sorry, did you say something about a low price?"
[Lunatic points smugly]
Man: "Wow! That's a low price!"
Lunatic: "I know!"
As McBain might say, dat's de joke. In the first commercial, there's a bad joke surrounded by obnoxious yelling. In the second ad, Staples basically says, "Hey, we know you hated that first ad. So guess what? Now we're not even going to pretend there's anything else going on! We don't care what you think. We're going to shove this awful shit down your throat until you choke on it."
A couple posts ago I talked about those awful Toyota Sienna ads and how I didn't understand why you'd make an ad in which the presumed protagonists and pitchmen are so loathsome. But this really is what we've come to in advertising, isn't it? The point of this ad isn't really to be funny. Not even Staples could possibly think this ad was legitimately funny. But while it's unfunny and stupid and annoying... it is distinctive. In those Sienna ads, that family is awful and I have no desire to emulate them. But I did remember the ad. I personally don't believe the old adage "There's no such thing as bad publicity" - there have been ad campaigns that have led me to stop using a product because I hated them so much. But I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm shouting into the wind here.
If there's one thing I've learned in three years on this blog it's that corporations, almost to the last, are simply not interested in making good advertisements. They're interested in making money, and if Jay Leno, Jersey Shore and the Transformers films have taught us anything it's that in mass culture, there is no prerequisite of quality or value for success. Why does Staples make an ad like this? Because it's cheaper than making a good one and because they don't think it matters. And the sad part is they're probably right.
This is probably reading like a sign-off at this point, and it's not. We're not closing the blog, and in fact I've added a Twitter account - you can follow @windiermegatons if you want - so that I can throw up the occasional bite-sized thought on ads that annoy me but don't quite merit a full post (although sometimes, as with Buffalo Wild Wings, I get there eventually). But I'll be honest: this ad is so bad it's pushed me to the edge of the abyss.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
You have to be kidding me
We talk about unrealistic ads on here all the time, but it's almost unthinkable how bad this one is.
Let me preface this by saying I've never been to a Buffalo Wild Wings. But I sort of assumed from the name that they were some sort of buffalo wing restaurant. And yet, in all the commercials I've seen of theirs - and during the NCAA tournament there have been more than a few - I cannot once recall seeing anyone eat, or even hold, an actual chicken wing.
In fact, the commercials that do air make Buffalo Wild Wings seem like the Trilateral Commission's private sports bar. A panel that enables them to fix the outcomes of sporting events? Referees in their back pocket? Truly this is a frightening vision of the New World Order.
These ads annoy me for a number of reasons, not least because "You have to be here" is such a ridiculous tagline. Why do I have to be there? It seems to be just like any other sports bar. And the idea of people in a sports bar not wanting to leave just kind of depresses me. How miserable is your life if you're all, "Oh, please let this game continue! When I'm inside the protective sanctuary of Buffalo Wild Wings, all my cares melt away! I simply can't face harsh reality again so soon!" If that sounds familiar, you've got bigger problems than whether or not this game goes into overtime.
In addition, this ad substantially misrepresents what it's like to be a fan of a sports team, as I think anyone who actually is (a group which apparently does not include anyone at Buffalo Wild Wings' ad agency, who seem to view sports as something they once heard of) would easily recognize. I mean, let's talk about what exactly is happening in the basketball game being watched in this ad:
1. New York and Boston are playing.
2. New York has just tied the game at 102 on a dunk with less than six seconds to play.
3. The entire bar, including any number of people in Boston apparel, cheers this result.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????
I don't care how great a time you're having at Buffalo Wild Wings, eating chicken wings (I assume) and drinking probably shitty beer. If you are a real sports fan, you want your team to win. A situation in which they somehow give up a wide-open, game-tying dunk with six seconds left is not something to be applauded. Further applauding when your team is going to win the game but is unable to do so because the player is blinded by a camera flash is complete lunacy.
But who cares if your team wins, right? You're just a fan of, you know, watching sports. In a general sense. It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you get to sit in a Buffalo Wild Wings for an additional 15 minutes. Because you just have to be there.
Let me preface this by saying I've never been to a Buffalo Wild Wings. But I sort of assumed from the name that they were some sort of buffalo wing restaurant. And yet, in all the commercials I've seen of theirs - and during the NCAA tournament there have been more than a few - I cannot once recall seeing anyone eat, or even hold, an actual chicken wing.
In fact, the commercials that do air make Buffalo Wild Wings seem like the Trilateral Commission's private sports bar. A panel that enables them to fix the outcomes of sporting events? Referees in their back pocket? Truly this is a frightening vision of the New World Order.
These ads annoy me for a number of reasons, not least because "You have to be here" is such a ridiculous tagline. Why do I have to be there? It seems to be just like any other sports bar. And the idea of people in a sports bar not wanting to leave just kind of depresses me. How miserable is your life if you're all, "Oh, please let this game continue! When I'm inside the protective sanctuary of Buffalo Wild Wings, all my cares melt away! I simply can't face harsh reality again so soon!" If that sounds familiar, you've got bigger problems than whether or not this game goes into overtime.
In addition, this ad substantially misrepresents what it's like to be a fan of a sports team, as I think anyone who actually is (a group which apparently does not include anyone at Buffalo Wild Wings' ad agency, who seem to view sports as something they once heard of) would easily recognize. I mean, let's talk about what exactly is happening in the basketball game being watched in this ad:
1. New York and Boston are playing.
2. New York has just tied the game at 102 on a dunk with less than six seconds to play.
3. The entire bar, including any number of people in Boston apparel, cheers this result.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????
I don't care how great a time you're having at Buffalo Wild Wings, eating chicken wings (I assume) and drinking probably shitty beer. If you are a real sports fan, you want your team to win. A situation in which they somehow give up a wide-open, game-tying dunk with six seconds left is not something to be applauded. Further applauding when your team is going to win the game but is unable to do so because the player is blinded by a camera flash is complete lunacy.
But who cares if your team wins, right? You're just a fan of, you know, watching sports. In a general sense. It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you get to sit in a Buffalo Wild Wings for an additional 15 minutes. Because you just have to be there.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Better pizza, bigger annoyance
I'm sure you've seen the ads that Domino's has been running recently, in which they show focus groups talking about how shitty their pizza is, and then they go back to those same people and go, "Hey, we fixed it! Do you love us now?" And those people are like, "Yeah, this pizza is now totally great!" Although at least some of them basically admitted that they might not have been so critical had they known Domino's was actually going to look at the video, and so maybe they're just saying it's great because they're ON FUCKING TELEVISION THIS TIME but whatever. Maybe it's great now. (If you haven't seen the ads, they were mostly chopped down out of this big fucker.)
I'm just saying: if you've just run an ad campaign talking about how your pizza was super terrible to the point that you had to completely fix the recipe, I'm not sure I'd make this my next move.
Domino's Chef: "For years, Papa John's has been telling us they have 'Better ingredients, better pizza. But when challenged in this court, they stated their slogan is 'puffery.'"
Yeah, uh, question for the pizza chef. Are you telling me that Domino's actually took Papa John's to motherfucking court over the wording of their slogan? Because that seems like some kind of ridiculous bullshit.
Chef: "What's puffery? Scott, you're a lawyer."
Scott: "Puffery: 'An exaggerated statement based on opinion. Not fact.'"
Chef: [shrugs dramatically]
Look, if you want to be all serious about this, it's very easy to argue that "better" is ill-defined and that Papa John's is not necessarily claiming to be literally better - whatever that would entail - than other pizza chains. But also, during the "years" when Papa John's was claiming this, Domino's pizza was apparently complete shit. You guys just ran ads telling us how your pizza used to be awful, and apparently you only fixed it in December. Are you mad because Papa John's didn't change their slogan immediately after you changed your recipe? Because it doesn't seem like there's any real impetus on them to do that. Unless you took them to court over it like total douchebags. (And if you didn't really take them to court and you're just saying that to make a more "interesting" commercial... well, that's just puffery, my friends.)
Chef: "Here's what's not puffery. Our new hand-tossed sausage, extra cheese and pepperoni pizzas just beat Papa John's in a national taste test."
Okay, good for you, but again, I'm assuming this just happened since your new pizza is still, you know, new. So what were you criticizing them for? This is like if after Barack Obama was inaugurated, he made some speech that was like, "For years we've heard George Bush give speeches like he was the president. But I just checked and it turns out I'm the president right now! George Bush should stop calling himself the president." And then everyone would have been like, "Wow, we just elected the dumbest man alive." Honestly, Domino's, do you just have no concept of time passing? Is your ad agency run by dogs? What is happening here?"
Chef: "Our pizzas taste better and that's not puffery. That's proven."
I mean, I guess. You'll forgive me if I don't necessarily take a bunch of nobodies' opinions on the taste of pizza as some sort of gospel truth. Also, see everything I already wrote, you stupid asshole. Does Domino's really think that behaving like some nitpicky douchebags is going to win them any friends? Do they think that people take advertising slogans so seriously that this was in any way needed? Are there people who would actually be like, "I don't know, Domino's, you say this new pizza of yours is good, but I just saw a Papa John's ad and they specifically said, 'Better pizza.' So, whatever, that clearly must be true." Because if there are, I'm really afraid.
I'm just saying: if you've just run an ad campaign talking about how your pizza was super terrible to the point that you had to completely fix the recipe, I'm not sure I'd make this my next move.
Domino's Chef: "For years, Papa John's has been telling us they have 'Better ingredients, better pizza. But when challenged in this court, they stated their slogan is 'puffery.'"
Yeah, uh, question for the pizza chef. Are you telling me that Domino's actually took Papa John's to motherfucking court over the wording of their slogan? Because that seems like some kind of ridiculous bullshit.
Chef: "What's puffery? Scott, you're a lawyer."
Scott: "Puffery: 'An exaggerated statement based on opinion. Not fact.'"
Chef: [shrugs dramatically]
Look, if you want to be all serious about this, it's very easy to argue that "better" is ill-defined and that Papa John's is not necessarily claiming to be literally better - whatever that would entail - than other pizza chains. But also, during the "years" when Papa John's was claiming this, Domino's pizza was apparently complete shit. You guys just ran ads telling us how your pizza used to be awful, and apparently you only fixed it in December. Are you mad because Papa John's didn't change their slogan immediately after you changed your recipe? Because it doesn't seem like there's any real impetus on them to do that. Unless you took them to court over it like total douchebags. (And if you didn't really take them to court and you're just saying that to make a more "interesting" commercial... well, that's just puffery, my friends.)
Chef: "Here's what's not puffery. Our new hand-tossed sausage, extra cheese and pepperoni pizzas just beat Papa John's in a national taste test."
Okay, good for you, but again, I'm assuming this just happened since your new pizza is still, you know, new. So what were you criticizing them for? This is like if after Barack Obama was inaugurated, he made some speech that was like, "For years we've heard George Bush give speeches like he was the president. But I just checked and it turns out I'm the president right now! George Bush should stop calling himself the president." And then everyone would have been like, "Wow, we just elected the dumbest man alive." Honestly, Domino's, do you just have no concept of time passing? Is your ad agency run by dogs? What is happening here?"
Chef: "Our pizzas taste better and that's not puffery. That's proven."
I mean, I guess. You'll forgive me if I don't necessarily take a bunch of nobodies' opinions on the taste of pizza as some sort of gospel truth. Also, see everything I already wrote, you stupid asshole. Does Domino's really think that behaving like some nitpicky douchebags is going to win them any friends? Do they think that people take advertising slogans so seriously that this was in any way needed? Are there people who would actually be like, "I don't know, Domino's, you say this new pizza of yours is good, but I just saw a Papa John's ad and they specifically said, 'Better pizza.' So, whatever, that clearly must be true." Because if there are, I'm really afraid.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Burnt Sienna
Remember when Dodge insinuated that minivans were for pussies, then immediately turned around and tried to sell you a minivan? (It was like three posts ago.) Well, Toyota's taking a different tactic in the minivan war. A different annoying tactic.
You know who has great commercials? Sonic! What if we basically copied those commercials and then made them about the car the people are sitting in and not what they're eating? Get that one actor too. He's hilarious.
Husband: "Well, we got a minivan, for the kids."
You know, you can put kids into cars that aren't minivans. Are minivans good for kids? Sure, I guess. But if you really have the antipathy for minivans that's implied here... you don't have to get a minivan. See: 8 million horrible soccer moms driving like fucking Ford Expeditions or whatever.
Wife: "Right."
Husband: "But we got a Sienna... to match how awesome we are."
As if the Office-like pseudo-confessional wasn't obvious enough, how about this guy just totally channels Ed Helms? I mean, I'm sure Ed Helms is not the only guy in the world to ever do a character like that, but it is the exact vibe I get here.
Husband: "I like to call it the Swagger Wagon."
If these people existed, and were as earnest in their douchebaggery as this couple is, how many friends would they have? Zero? Some sort of imaginary number?
Wife: "It's actually a lot like our family. Stylish, modern, super good-looking."
It feels like I've been asking this for years now. (In fact, I have been asking this for years now.) Why do companies insist on selling their products with obnoxious assholes as the spokespeople? Didn't it used to be the other way around? Think about how Camel had to stop using Joe Camel because, basically, he was too cool, which made kids want to smoke. Think about various celebrity endorsements. The idea was supposed to be that other people who used the product were cool, attractive, and pretty much everything the viewer wanted to be. I know we're in a jaded, postmodern age, but we've gone through the looking glass if the ideal spokesperson for a product is someone who isn't cool or attractive but just thinks they are, and announces this to everyone in grating, self-absorbed fashion.
Husband: "You know, sometimes when we roll up in our Swagger Wagon, and people see our style... uh, I don't want to say that they get jealous..."
Wife: "Yeah you do."
Husband: "Yes I do."
As if this weren't annoying enough on its own, the ad flashes "Daddy Like" and "Mommy Like" on the screen during this section. This is actually supposed to be the campaign's slogan, and let me tell you, it's so fucking terrible that I would rather buy a Prius I knew to be malfunctioning than buy a Sienna and take the risk that someone would think I thought this ad was even remotely tolerable. Holy fuck.
Announcer: "Meet the family, and the new Sienna, on YouTube."
I've met the family. They've been met. And if you think that this ad made me want to spend one more fucking second in their presence, Toyota, you are sorely mistaken.
Okay, I did watch a few of the others. But if I didn't write for this blog? Not a chance. I'll spare you the agony of going through any of them, but suffice it to say they're exactly as awful as you'd think. If you're interested in torturing yourself, start with this one, in which we are asked to believe that the Sienna is so great you can use it as some sort of spa. Really.
You know who has great commercials? Sonic! What if we basically copied those commercials and then made them about the car the people are sitting in and not what they're eating? Get that one actor too. He's hilarious.
Husband: "Well, we got a minivan, for the kids."
You know, you can put kids into cars that aren't minivans. Are minivans good for kids? Sure, I guess. But if you really have the antipathy for minivans that's implied here... you don't have to get a minivan. See: 8 million horrible soccer moms driving like fucking Ford Expeditions or whatever.
Wife: "Right."
Husband: "But we got a Sienna... to match how awesome we are."
As if the Office-like pseudo-confessional wasn't obvious enough, how about this guy just totally channels Ed Helms? I mean, I'm sure Ed Helms is not the only guy in the world to ever do a character like that, but it is the exact vibe I get here.
Husband: "I like to call it the Swagger Wagon."
If these people existed, and were as earnest in their douchebaggery as this couple is, how many friends would they have? Zero? Some sort of imaginary number?
Wife: "It's actually a lot like our family. Stylish, modern, super good-looking."
It feels like I've been asking this for years now. (In fact, I have been asking this for years now.) Why do companies insist on selling their products with obnoxious assholes as the spokespeople? Didn't it used to be the other way around? Think about how Camel had to stop using Joe Camel because, basically, he was too cool, which made kids want to smoke. Think about various celebrity endorsements. The idea was supposed to be that other people who used the product were cool, attractive, and pretty much everything the viewer wanted to be. I know we're in a jaded, postmodern age, but we've gone through the looking glass if the ideal spokesperson for a product is someone who isn't cool or attractive but just thinks they are, and announces this to everyone in grating, self-absorbed fashion.
Husband: "You know, sometimes when we roll up in our Swagger Wagon, and people see our style... uh, I don't want to say that they get jealous..."
Wife: "Yeah you do."
Husband: "Yes I do."
As if this weren't annoying enough on its own, the ad flashes "Daddy Like" and "Mommy Like" on the screen during this section. This is actually supposed to be the campaign's slogan, and let me tell you, it's so fucking terrible that I would rather buy a Prius I knew to be malfunctioning than buy a Sienna and take the risk that someone would think I thought this ad was even remotely tolerable. Holy fuck.
Announcer: "Meet the family, and the new Sienna, on YouTube."
I've met the family. They've been met. And if you think that this ad made me want to spend one more fucking second in their presence, Toyota, you are sorely mistaken.
Okay, I did watch a few of the others. But if I didn't write for this blog? Not a chance. I'll spare you the agony of going through any of them, but suffice it to say they're exactly as awful as you'd think. If you're interested in torturing yourself, start with this one, in which we are asked to believe that the Sienna is so great you can use it as some sort of spa. Really.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Annoying. So annoying.
Hotels.com's ads used to be... well, stupid. But in a sort of affable way. Like this:
See? Stupid. I see this and think "Reviews from people like me? How much of a weirdo do you think I am?" Nevertheless, there's a kind of good-humored air about it, like they're implicitly admitting that they're just trying to have a good time with their advertising.
Not so anymore.
Fuck this ad. Okay? Fuck it.
First of all, the question is thoroughly begged when you name your main character "Smart." What is that, even? Last name? Nickname? Ah, who the fuck cares.
Woman: "What's up, Smart?"
Smart: "Being smart."
Fuck you.
Smart: "Yep, just booked my tenth night on Hotels.com, sooo... I get a night free."
Oh my God, you super-genius, you! You... took advantage of a company's offer! I hope you needed all those ten nights. Otherwise you're like moms who come home with three 12-packs of Coke because it was on sale, even though no one in the house drinks Coke. As it is you're like someone bragging because he got the final stamp on his Subway Club card. No one cares, douchebag.
Smart: "You, me, getaway."
"Sexual harassment. So sexual harassment."
Woman: "Really? Where?"
Smart: "Anywhere you want."
Woman: "A bed and breakfast?"
Smart: "Bed and breakfast? Check."
Woman: "A place by the beach?"
Smart: "A place by awesome."
Again, fuck you. Also, that second place is clearly not a bed and breakfast. What are the odds she was changing her request entirely as opposed to modifying it to "a bed and breakfast by the beach?" Some fucking smart guy you are.
Woman: "Oh! You are smart."
Sound the editorializing alarm! Also, why the fuck is he smart? I guess taking advantage of a rewards program is smarter than not doing so - assuming you already have reason to be booking a significant number of hotel rooms - but it hardly makes you a super-genius, any more than clipping detergent coupons out of the Sunday paper qualifies you to run NASA. It's not that I think Hotels.com should talk about their product in an equivocal fashion, but how about not giving us a pitchman at the apex of obnoxious douchiness? (I also love that even in Claymation that woman is clearly way too hot for him.)
Announcer: "Accumulate ten nights and get a night free. Welcome Rewards from Hotels.com. Smart. So smart."
Again, I'm not saying this isn't a good deal. But do you have to pose it in so smarmy a fashion? This is maybe one rung above Hyundai's "Big Duh" sales event of 2007. Is it really so hard to suggest that something is a good idea without insulting the audience's intelligence?
In conclusion... fuck this thing.
See? Stupid. I see this and think "Reviews from people like me? How much of a weirdo do you think I am?" Nevertheless, there's a kind of good-humored air about it, like they're implicitly admitting that they're just trying to have a good time with their advertising.
Not so anymore.
Fuck this ad. Okay? Fuck it.
First of all, the question is thoroughly begged when you name your main character "Smart." What is that, even? Last name? Nickname? Ah, who the fuck cares.
Woman: "What's up, Smart?"
Smart: "Being smart."
Fuck you.
Smart: "Yep, just booked my tenth night on Hotels.com, sooo... I get a night free."
Oh my God, you super-genius, you! You... took advantage of a company's offer! I hope you needed all those ten nights. Otherwise you're like moms who come home with three 12-packs of Coke because it was on sale, even though no one in the house drinks Coke. As it is you're like someone bragging because he got the final stamp on his Subway Club card. No one cares, douchebag.
Smart: "You, me, getaway."
"Sexual harassment. So sexual harassment."
Woman: "Really? Where?"
Smart: "Anywhere you want."
Woman: "A bed and breakfast?"
Smart: "Bed and breakfast? Check."
Woman: "A place by the beach?"
Smart: "A place by awesome."
Again, fuck you. Also, that second place is clearly not a bed and breakfast. What are the odds she was changing her request entirely as opposed to modifying it to "a bed and breakfast by the beach?" Some fucking smart guy you are.
Woman: "Oh! You are smart."
Sound the editorializing alarm! Also, why the fuck is he smart? I guess taking advantage of a rewards program is smarter than not doing so - assuming you already have reason to be booking a significant number of hotel rooms - but it hardly makes you a super-genius, any more than clipping detergent coupons out of the Sunday paper qualifies you to run NASA. It's not that I think Hotels.com should talk about their product in an equivocal fashion, but how about not giving us a pitchman at the apex of obnoxious douchiness? (I also love that even in Claymation that woman is clearly way too hot for him.)
Announcer: "Accumulate ten nights and get a night free. Welcome Rewards from Hotels.com. Smart. So smart."
Again, I'm not saying this isn't a good deal. But do you have to pose it in so smarmy a fashion? This is maybe one rung above Hyundai's "Big Duh" sales event of 2007. Is it really so hard to suggest that something is a good idea without insulting the audience's intelligence?
In conclusion... fuck this thing.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A tradition more annoying than any other
How do you make a bad ad campaign worse? Try to get "edgy."
This ad is, obviously, online only. What kills me is that it's referred to as a "banned Super Bowl commercial" by KGB. I mean, I guess it was banned... in the same way that, say, the orgy scene from Caligula was banned from the Super Bowl. Most likely this ad wasn't submitted at all, since KGB cannot possibly have been under the impression it could air on television, or even if it was submitted, it was only so they could call it "banned!" and "too hot for TV!" after its entirely inevitable rejection. But wow, if it was banned from the Super Bowl... that means it must be totally hilarious in a risqué fashion. Right?
KGB Douche: "We got a call?"
Woman 1: "It's my husband."
KGB Woman: "What happened?"
Woman 1: "We were in the pro shop, he and Bob were discussing global warming, and..."
Cut to an hilarious shot of a guy bent all the way around...
KGB Douche: "He's got his head up his ass."
*spit take* Bahahaha! Hilarious! Not at all a joke that is decades old at best. Also, global warming? It would almost be worth 99 cents to see what answer KGB could possibly give to "Is global warming real?" Even actual scientists don't seem to be 100% in agreement on this point.
Woman 1: "Not the first time."
KGB Woman: "Sir, are you all right in there?"
Guy: "Who said that?"
KGB Douche: "Now who's Bob?"
Woman 2: "My husband. Over there."
Guess what? He's also got his head up his ass! ROFL!
KGB Douche: "Next time your husbands don't have a clue, make sure they text KGB first."
So... neither of them had a clue? How exactly had this debate been going?
Unnamed Husband: "Global warming is real! It's harming the planet!"
Bob: "Oh yeah? Prove it, jerk!"
Unnamed Husband: "See, there's pollution, right? And the pollution goes in the water, polar bears eat it, they die, and their rotting corpses drive up the planet's temperature!"
Bob: "You idiot! Nuclear waste gets stored in cooling towers! It makes everything colder!"
If neither person has a clue in a debate, it no longer matters.
KGB Douche: "Always know what you're talking about. Text your questions to 542542."
"Don't bother doing any significant research on the major scientific topics that you'd like to discuss. Just text KGB and get an answer that fits into 120 characters on your cell phone." I don't know, KGB. Couldn't you dumb things down a little more? I want an answer about global warming that would fit inside a fortune cookie!
Guy [putting]: "It's in the hole!"
And one last cheap ass joke, just for good measure. I would have added a sarcastic *rimshot* there, but KGB would have assumed I was playing along with the theme.
This ad is, obviously, online only. What kills me is that it's referred to as a "banned Super Bowl commercial" by KGB. I mean, I guess it was banned... in the same way that, say, the orgy scene from Caligula was banned from the Super Bowl. Most likely this ad wasn't submitted at all, since KGB cannot possibly have been under the impression it could air on television, or even if it was submitted, it was only so they could call it "banned!" and "too hot for TV!" after its entirely inevitable rejection. But wow, if it was banned from the Super Bowl... that means it must be totally hilarious in a risqué fashion. Right?
KGB Douche: "We got a call?"
Woman 1: "It's my husband."
KGB Woman: "What happened?"
Woman 1: "We were in the pro shop, he and Bob were discussing global warming, and..."
Cut to an hilarious shot of a guy bent all the way around...
KGB Douche: "He's got his head up his ass."
*spit take* Bahahaha! Hilarious! Not at all a joke that is decades old at best. Also, global warming? It would almost be worth 99 cents to see what answer KGB could possibly give to "Is global warming real?" Even actual scientists don't seem to be 100% in agreement on this point.
Woman 1: "Not the first time."
KGB Woman: "Sir, are you all right in there?"
Guy: "Who said that?"
KGB Douche: "Now who's Bob?"
Woman 2: "My husband. Over there."
Guess what? He's also got his head up his ass! ROFL!
KGB Douche: "Next time your husbands don't have a clue, make sure they text KGB first."
So... neither of them had a clue? How exactly had this debate been going?
Unnamed Husband: "Global warming is real! It's harming the planet!"
Bob: "Oh yeah? Prove it, jerk!"
Unnamed Husband: "See, there's pollution, right? And the pollution goes in the water, polar bears eat it, they die, and their rotting corpses drive up the planet's temperature!"
Bob: "You idiot! Nuclear waste gets stored in cooling towers! It makes everything colder!"
If neither person has a clue in a debate, it no longer matters.
KGB Douche: "Always know what you're talking about. Text your questions to 542542."
"Don't bother doing any significant research on the major scientific topics that you'd like to discuss. Just text KGB and get an answer that fits into 120 characters on your cell phone." I don't know, KGB. Couldn't you dumb things down a little more? I want an answer about global warming that would fit inside a fortune cookie!
Guy [putting]: "It's in the hole!"
And one last cheap ass joke, just for good measure. I would have added a sarcastic *rimshot* there, but KGB would have assumed I was playing along with the theme.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Grab life by the balls
Good news, ladies. You won! You're not just equal to your male counterparts - you're ahead of them. You control everything. What's that? You don't believe me? You say men still regularly make more than women, and hold the vast majority of positions of power in this country, and really the world? Well, that can't be right. I mean, did you not see that Dodge Charger ad that aired during the Super Bowl?
See?
Man 1: "I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30 am. I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast. I will shave. I will clean the sink after I shave."
Maybe they should have chosen a guy who hadn't clearly already shaved for this one. Anyway, let's keep a tally of which of the things mentioned in this ad are (a) completely normal, (b) common courtesy, or (c) actually maybe emasculating in some way.
Walking the dog: I mean, it's probably your dog, asshole. If it's her dog, and it's some yappy toy poodle or something, I guess that's annoying. Still, I would class this as (a).
Eating fruit: Yeah! Fruit is for pussies! Normally it's all I can do to choke down half a banana. Plus eating a banana makes me feel kinda gay. Lord. This is clearly (a).
Shaving: Yes, how unusual. Guys never shave unless women make them, right? (a).
Cleaning the sink: God forbid. (b).
Man 2: "I will be at work by 8 am. I will sit through two-hour meetings. I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will be quiet when you don't want to hear me say no."
Okay, those first two things are completely normal and have little to nothing to do with women. Bitches, man - always forcing you to... work... like a normal human being would... (a). As for the latter two... maybe work on your communication. If you're in a relationship with a woman and you're too afraid to contradict her, you have bigger problems than your car. But, I guess that's a (c) for each of those.
Man 3: "I will take your call. I will listen to your opinion of my friends. I will listen to your friends' opinions of my friends. I will be civil to your mother."
The first and last are, again, things that I think any reasonable person would not be off-base in expecting. Both are either (a) or (b). The middle two... I guess they're (c). But this hypothetical woman sounds kind of unpleasant. Maybe you should just break up. Though I call bullshit on this dude even having a girlfriend. He needs to take Man 1's advice and find a razor, just for starters.
At this point, by the way, the commercial is half over. What's it for? Who knows?
Man 4: "I will put the seat down. I will separate the recycling. I will carry your lip balm. I will watch your vampire TV shows with you. I will take my socks off before getting into bed. I will put my underwear in the basket."
B, A, who fucking cares about a lip balm tube that weighs half an ounce, I guess C, you're a ridiculous asshole if you wear socks to bed, and B.
Man 4: "And because I do this... I will drive the car I want to drive."
"Yeah, honey, I know that buying a new car is a big decision. And I know you want a minivan because of the kids. But I clean up after myself - only for your benefit because I'm perfectly happy living in filth, I should clarify - and occasionally carry your lip balm. Therefore I'm getting a car that is completely impractical for our family."
Announcer: "Charger: Man's Last Stand."
Not to get all heavy on you, but did you ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high? It's because of shit like this. Man and woman are not natural enemies, Dodge, you assholes. A relationship involves give and take, yes. But it really shouldn't be about scoring cheap points that you try to cash in later by holding them over the other person's head and demanding some form of equity. And no one can reasonably argue that doing things that any halfway considerate person should understand are just normal parts of life with another person constitutes just cause for buying a muscle car. I mean, if you have enough money to have two cars, and you already have the family-friendly car, then whatever. You want to drive a Charger, that's probably fine. But the entire implication behind this commercial is "Your wife is not going to want you to drive this car! Point out that either you're going to drive it or you're going to toss your underwear over the blades of the ceiling fan, and she's going to like it!"
And honestly, "Man's last stand?" I do have to applaud Dodge for the sheer balls it takes to be an American automaker - doing really well lately, as we all know - willing to say a big "Fuck you" to half the population right off the bat.
Final tally of things mentioned in the ad as emasculating reasons why dudes need to drive Dodge Chargers:
(a) Completely normal: 7
(b) Common courtesy: 6
(c) Actually maybe emasculating in some way: 5
C is less than either of the other two and way less than the total of A and B. I mean, fuck. Eating fruit? That's the best you can do? Fucking going to work like everyone does? These are the sacrifices that deserve the complete silence of your partner when you decide that you're going to be making the automotive decision unilaterally? Jesus.
Did you think that was it? It's not.
Announcer: "What is that thing?"
Some sort of car! What do I win? Is it more cheap jokes about being whipped and/or gay? I sure hope so!
Announcer: "Well, I'll tell you what it isn't. It isn't a 'man-bag.' It isn't 'man-sandals.' It isn't a low-cal plate. It isn't a yoga class. It isn't an exfoliant with added moisturizer, it isn't a couples cooking class, and it certainly isn't a small dog that needs to wear a jacket if the temperature drops below 70."
"It isn't picking up a box of tampons. It isn't being in the same room with a box of tampons. It isn't brushing your teeth before bed. It isn't not hitting on your wife's sister, right in front of your wife. It isn't washing your hands after you pee. It isn't remembering your anniversary. Oh, and it certainly isn't ever doing anything that would make you seem like less of a man in the eyes of a faceless corporate entity that is just trying to sell you something."
Announcer: "That's what it isn't."
Going to sell it at all? No? No price, no specs, the car doesn't even move. The entire selling point is, "If you don't buy this car, you're a total pussy who does everything your wife tells you to. Buy a fucking Charger or we're calling your friends and telling them you didn't have a huge, greasy hamburger for lunch every day of your life, but once ate something under four thousand calories, like the weenie you are." Why, you're probably the kind of spineless wimp who would drive a minivan!
Yeah! Wait.
Announcer: "There are guys who will smirk at you for buying a Dodge Grand Caravan."
Are you serious? Those guys are you. The entire point of the first ad in this post is "As a tradeoff for yielding incremental amounts of my masculinity in service of a long-term relationship, I ain't driving no minivan."
Announcer: "For some reason, having a minivan that happens to have the 2009 dependability award from JD Power and Associates isn't manly enough."
Yeah, I bet they see that and they think you're the kind of guy who orders the low-cal plate. Or carries his wife's lip balm. Fag.
Announcer: "Think about that for a second. Filling a car with five of your offspring isn't manly enough?"
Fuck that! Squeeze the kids into the trunk of the Dodge Charger. That's a real man's car! Unless we've decided that we want to sell you on a different model. Forget the Charger! Buy a Grand Caravan and prove your virility!
Here's an interesting tidbit. According to Road & Travel Magazine, "women purchase more than 50% of all new vehicles, 48% of all used vehicles, [and] influence 80% of all sales." Is that the kind of demographic you want to be completely ignoring, Dodge? Especially when it comes to selling a minivan, a family car, a car that a woman is almost certainly having a big say in deciding to purchase? You're going to sell it as "a good place to stash the fruit of your loins, the better to look virile in front of other men"? And then your other ads not only ignore women as purchasers, but actively mock men who dare to participate in anything you deem "too feminine." It's like this campaign fell through a wormhole from 1957, when women were expected to live in the kitchen and the only commercials targeted at them were for ovens and aluminum foil. With that in mind, here are some possible slogans Dodge may want to use going forward to address some of their marketing toward women without sacrificing their core message:
"Dodge: No girls allowed"
"Dodge: Bake me a pie"
"Dodge: I work hard all day to put food on that table"
"Dodge: Shut your whore mouth"
"Dodge: I'm going to the bar and dinner had better be ready when I get back"
See?
Man 1: "I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30 am. I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast. I will shave. I will clean the sink after I shave."
Maybe they should have chosen a guy who hadn't clearly already shaved for this one. Anyway, let's keep a tally of which of the things mentioned in this ad are (a) completely normal, (b) common courtesy, or (c) actually maybe emasculating in some way.
Walking the dog: I mean, it's probably your dog, asshole. If it's her dog, and it's some yappy toy poodle or something, I guess that's annoying. Still, I would class this as (a).
Eating fruit: Yeah! Fruit is for pussies! Normally it's all I can do to choke down half a banana. Plus eating a banana makes me feel kinda gay. Lord. This is clearly (a).
Shaving: Yes, how unusual. Guys never shave unless women make them, right? (a).
Cleaning the sink: God forbid. (b).
Man 2: "I will be at work by 8 am. I will sit through two-hour meetings. I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will be quiet when you don't want to hear me say no."
Okay, those first two things are completely normal and have little to nothing to do with women. Bitches, man - always forcing you to... work... like a normal human being would... (a). As for the latter two... maybe work on your communication. If you're in a relationship with a woman and you're too afraid to contradict her, you have bigger problems than your car. But, I guess that's a (c) for each of those.
Man 3: "I will take your call. I will listen to your opinion of my friends. I will listen to your friends' opinions of my friends. I will be civil to your mother."
The first and last are, again, things that I think any reasonable person would not be off-base in expecting. Both are either (a) or (b). The middle two... I guess they're (c). But this hypothetical woman sounds kind of unpleasant. Maybe you should just break up. Though I call bullshit on this dude even having a girlfriend. He needs to take Man 1's advice and find a razor, just for starters.
At this point, by the way, the commercial is half over. What's it for? Who knows?
Man 4: "I will put the seat down. I will separate the recycling. I will carry your lip balm. I will watch your vampire TV shows with you. I will take my socks off before getting into bed. I will put my underwear in the basket."
B, A, who fucking cares about a lip balm tube that weighs half an ounce, I guess C, you're a ridiculous asshole if you wear socks to bed, and B.
Man 4: "And because I do this... I will drive the car I want to drive."
"Yeah, honey, I know that buying a new car is a big decision. And I know you want a minivan because of the kids. But I clean up after myself - only for your benefit because I'm perfectly happy living in filth, I should clarify - and occasionally carry your lip balm. Therefore I'm getting a car that is completely impractical for our family."
Announcer: "Charger: Man's Last Stand."
Not to get all heavy on you, but did you ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high? It's because of shit like this. Man and woman are not natural enemies, Dodge, you assholes. A relationship involves give and take, yes. But it really shouldn't be about scoring cheap points that you try to cash in later by holding them over the other person's head and demanding some form of equity. And no one can reasonably argue that doing things that any halfway considerate person should understand are just normal parts of life with another person constitutes just cause for buying a muscle car. I mean, if you have enough money to have two cars, and you already have the family-friendly car, then whatever. You want to drive a Charger, that's probably fine. But the entire implication behind this commercial is "Your wife is not going to want you to drive this car! Point out that either you're going to drive it or you're going to toss your underwear over the blades of the ceiling fan, and she's going to like it!"
And honestly, "Man's last stand?" I do have to applaud Dodge for the sheer balls it takes to be an American automaker - doing really well lately, as we all know - willing to say a big "Fuck you" to half the population right off the bat.
Final tally of things mentioned in the ad as emasculating reasons why dudes need to drive Dodge Chargers:
(a) Completely normal: 7
(b) Common courtesy: 6
(c) Actually maybe emasculating in some way: 5
C is less than either of the other two and way less than the total of A and B. I mean, fuck. Eating fruit? That's the best you can do? Fucking going to work like everyone does? These are the sacrifices that deserve the complete silence of your partner when you decide that you're going to be making the automotive decision unilaterally? Jesus.
Did you think that was it? It's not.
Announcer: "What is that thing?"
Some sort of car! What do I win? Is it more cheap jokes about being whipped and/or gay? I sure hope so!
Announcer: "Well, I'll tell you what it isn't. It isn't a 'man-bag.' It isn't 'man-sandals.' It isn't a low-cal plate. It isn't a yoga class. It isn't an exfoliant with added moisturizer, it isn't a couples cooking class, and it certainly isn't a small dog that needs to wear a jacket if the temperature drops below 70."
"It isn't picking up a box of tampons. It isn't being in the same room with a box of tampons. It isn't brushing your teeth before bed. It isn't not hitting on your wife's sister, right in front of your wife. It isn't washing your hands after you pee. It isn't remembering your anniversary. Oh, and it certainly isn't ever doing anything that would make you seem like less of a man in the eyes of a faceless corporate entity that is just trying to sell you something."
Announcer: "That's what it isn't."
Going to sell it at all? No? No price, no specs, the car doesn't even move. The entire selling point is, "If you don't buy this car, you're a total pussy who does everything your wife tells you to. Buy a fucking Charger or we're calling your friends and telling them you didn't have a huge, greasy hamburger for lunch every day of your life, but once ate something under four thousand calories, like the weenie you are." Why, you're probably the kind of spineless wimp who would drive a minivan!
Yeah! Wait.
Announcer: "There are guys who will smirk at you for buying a Dodge Grand Caravan."
Are you serious? Those guys are you. The entire point of the first ad in this post is "As a tradeoff for yielding incremental amounts of my masculinity in service of a long-term relationship, I ain't driving no minivan."
Announcer: "For some reason, having a minivan that happens to have the 2009 dependability award from JD Power and Associates isn't manly enough."
Yeah, I bet they see that and they think you're the kind of guy who orders the low-cal plate. Or carries his wife's lip balm. Fag.
Announcer: "Think about that for a second. Filling a car with five of your offspring isn't manly enough?"
Fuck that! Squeeze the kids into the trunk of the Dodge Charger. That's a real man's car! Unless we've decided that we want to sell you on a different model. Forget the Charger! Buy a Grand Caravan and prove your virility!
Here's an interesting tidbit. According to Road & Travel Magazine, "women purchase more than 50% of all new vehicles, 48% of all used vehicles, [and] influence 80% of all sales." Is that the kind of demographic you want to be completely ignoring, Dodge? Especially when it comes to selling a minivan, a family car, a car that a woman is almost certainly having a big say in deciding to purchase? You're going to sell it as "a good place to stash the fruit of your loins, the better to look virile in front of other men"? And then your other ads not only ignore women as purchasers, but actively mock men who dare to participate in anything you deem "too feminine." It's like this campaign fell through a wormhole from 1957, when women were expected to live in the kitchen and the only commercials targeted at them were for ovens and aluminum foil. With that in mind, here are some possible slogans Dodge may want to use going forward to address some of their marketing toward women without sacrificing their core message:
"Dodge: No girls allowed"
"Dodge: Bake me a pie"
"Dodge: I work hard all day to put food on that table"
"Dodge: Shut your whore mouth"
"Dodge: I'm going to the bar and dinner had better be ready when I get back"
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