Irony thick enough to clog your arteries

They do know... right?



True story: as I was watching this ad for the first time, not knowing what it was for, I began thinking, "I wonder how ironic the punchline to this setup is going to be." And then it was. It's possible, of course, that Taco Bell is in on the joke here. But I'm not sure you can make this joke AND be in on it.

Announcer: "If you need to be told how to be a man, Taco Bell's Triple Steak Stack isn't for you."

It's winking, obviously. But behind the wink it's the exact same pitch! You can dress it up and claim you're poking fun at the male-targeting advertising industry - which I'd be fine with - but it doesn't really work when your ad ends up in the exact same place. I mean, take it logically:

Real men don't need to be told how to be a man.
If you need to be told how to be a man, Taco Bell's Triple Steak Stack isn't for you.
THEREFORE, Taco Bell's Triple Steak Stack is for real men.

So maybe it's not a perfect syllogism, and the first premise is implicit rather than stated outright (but it's pretty clear in the implication), but it's easy enough to follow the line Taco Bell wants you to draw mentally. Even as they poke fun at ads telling you how to be a man, they are TELLING YOU HOW TO BE A MAN. Eat the Taco Bell Steak Stack and prove your manliness. Better yet, prove that you're not affected by ads telling you what manliness is! Other ads, that is. Not this one. Let this one tell you. (Hint: it involves a shit-ton of steak.)

If you want to sell your Enormous Steak Flatbread (protip: "Stack" is not the most appealing description of food) to a male audience, that's fine. But what's the point in being all fucking arch about it? "Selling things based on questioning your masculinity? We would never do that. PS real men eat Cheesy Steak Logs from Taco Bell." Just make a regular pitch, assholes. (By comparison, here is another current Taco Bell ad that is completely straightforward, gets its point across, and gets out. It would have been so hard to do something like that again?)

Colorado, why don't you come to your senses

A few years ago, Dodge ran a campaign that I tore into on this here blog. The premise of that campaign was, predominantly, that Dodge cars were manly cars for men. (The kind of cars you could drink a Dr. Pepper Ten while driving, perhaps.) The ads were laughably inconsistent - when marketing the Charger, Dodge implied that it was unmanly to drive a minivan, but as soon as it had to sell the Grand Caravan, suddenly driving a minivan was the manliest thing on God's green earth. It was really kind of pathetic. Fortunately, Dodge has backed down from this embarrassing stance. Unfortunately, here comes Chevy to fill the void.



A version of this ad, though perhaps not the exact same one, aired during the Super Bowl. And Chevy's pitch is right there on the table: buy a truck or you're a loser.

Announcer: "Can a truck change how people feel about a guy?"

Maybe? People feel different ways about people for all sorts of reasons. The real question is whether said guy should make important purchasing decisions based exclusively on that.

Announcer: "We talked to real people. Not actors."

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. But let's assume these are real people; who gives a shit? Real people are just as likely to give you the answer they know you want to hear as an actor you've handed a script. Especially when giving the right answer is going to get them on television.

Announcer: "We showed them two pictures of the same guy in the same location."

Right away you can see the problem with this, right? People aren't stupid. You think they didn't know this was the same guy? You think they didn't know the only difference in the photos was that one guy was standing in front of your truck and one was standing in front of a Honda Civic or whatever? So with that in mind, how much weight do you REALLY want to put in their answers? Oh, all of it? Okay.

Interviewer: "Which man is sexier?"
Women: "Truck."
Woman: "That one has way more sex appeal."

That's right, guys: unless you drive a Chevy Colorado, no woman will EVER want to fuck you. Mark it down!

Woman: "This [car] guy is definitely the guy your mom wants you to marry, and this [truck] is the guy you're gonna run off to, and leave him, to be with him."

I'm thinking car guy dodged a real bullet on this one. Seriously, though, am I supposed to be taking any of this seriously? These women know why they're there. Fuck, the truck has a prominent Chevy logo while the car isn't even marked. We're here to talk about a truck. And then they get asked an insipid question like judging the sex appeal of two identical guys based solely on the vehicle photoshopped in behind them. What are they gonna say?

Announcer: "You know you want a truck."

I hated it when Kraft tried to use this kind of slogan, and I hate it now. Trying to tell me, the consumer, what I want is just the most embarrassing kind of desperation. You can't just encourage me to buy your product? You have to try and be like, "I know you don't think you want this. But you do! Secretly you do. Chevy sees into your dreams and we know your darkest fears. Buy a Colorado... unless you want people to find out what happened at summer camp in 1994?"

Here's the thing about this when it comes to the Colorado (or any truck) in particular. If you need a truck, go ahead and get a truck. Like, do you have a boat you need to haul out to the lake and back? Great! Get a truck! No problem here. But you don't need to sell trucks to those people with this angle because (a) they probably already have a truck if they need it for real reasons and (b) they do know they want a truck and so don't need to be told that. So who is this marketing to? Guys in general. Guys who drive compact, or maybe midsize, cars like the total weenies that they are.

For instance, take a look at this spot:



This doesn't even make a ton of sense, really. So we have this one guy arriving at the office on what is presumably supposed to be a Monday morning, and he's driving what looks like a Honda Civic or similar. He gets to be represented by a Carpenters song. But then he crosses paths with our bad-ass hero, represented by AC/DC, who drives the Chevy Colorado. But what is the deal with his work schedule? Has he been there all night? All weekend? Or does he just get to come and go as he pleases, because... he drives a truck? Also, there's no visible reason in the ad for him to have or need a truck. He has one because he wants to, I guess. Which is fair enough. But is that really practical? Am I really supposed to be super impressed by a guy who drives a truck in the city for no reason?

Just to ram it home, here's Chevy's copy below that ad on YouTube:

"When you're behind the wheel of Motor Trend’s 2015 Truck of the Year, you sit differently and you walk differently. And suddenly the world is different. The world is yours for the taking."

Look, bullshit, okay? You walk differently? Come on. I know advertisers are pretty much obligated to pump the shit out of their products, but this is just nonsense.

(Oh, and lest we think that Chevy is not completely serious about pushing this angle to the limit, just check out some of the ancillary content they've got on YouTube, which includes "We gave this guy a truck and it improved his dating profile" and, no shit, "We made a fake deodorant and some people bought it, therefore trucks are cool." I really don't even have anything to add here.)

Let's get back to fundamentals for a second. Back when I wrote that Dodge post, I cited market research showing that women made more than 50% of all new vehicle purchases and influenced 80% of all vehicle sales overall. That was five years ago, but I can't imagine things have changed TOO much since then. In addition, according to this review of the 2015 Colorado by one of the editors at AutoGuide.com, the midsize truck segment has been "withering away for years." If you're trying to kickstart it, do you really want to market yourself so narrowly? You're pretty much ignoring women entirely! Of course, you're also marketing your truck almost exclusively to the kind of man who doesn't really need a truck but is worried about being seen as less sexy, or as the kind of pansy who owns birds instead of a German shepherd, or as soul patch guy instead of mutton chops guy. (Side note: holy FUCK these ads are embarrassingly reductive.) So, not really opening up a big segment of the market there, maybe?

I'd guess the midsize truck market is kind of a tough sell. If you need a truck regularly, you might prefer a larger truck (like Chevy's Silverado, the GMC Sierra, the Dodge Ram, etc.) that can handle a wider range of activities. And if you rarely if ever need a truck, there's not much reason to buy a truck, is there? One can't help but wonder if GM's push here is based on the hope that plummeting gas prices will make people more willing to buy enormous, impractical cars again. (I mean: remember how ubiquitous Hummer was for a while? Did you know that brand became completely defunct five years ago? There's a reason for that.)

But of course, people aren't just going to buy big-ass trucks they don't have any need for, no matter how cheap gas is. So what's the next move? Try to make it about image. Sure, you may not NEED a pickup truck. But aren't they cool? Aren't they rugged? Wouldn't you feel like more of a man if you were driving one? Look, Chevy, I can get a German shepherd for a lot less than the cost of a truck that will apparently make children think I own one. Building a whole ad campaign around lazy stereotypes aimed at insecure single men in the 25-45 age range might work, I suppose. But you guys better pray that gas prices don't rebound any time soon.

What really kills me about the whole thing is that Chevy's first piece of Colorado-related content on YouTube (which I've never seen on TV, needless to say) is actually pretty good:



Like, that's an acceptable amount of swagger for a car commercial. And it actually shows the truck being used in places where I'd expect to need or want a truck. It shows some things it's good for. It shows people of both sexes using the truck! And most impressively, it doesn't bother trying to call you a wuss if you aren't interested. So, obviously, Chevy dumped it when it came time to truly market the Colorado. I mean, advertising that isn't insulting to the viewer's intelligence? Who'd want that?

Get to a better kitchen

I've talked before, on several occasions, about the perils of having unlikable people pitching your products. Recently, in particular, it seems to be obnoxious couples. People who I would leave a party early just to avoid. Right, Sears? Right, Toyota? Yeah. Well, don't worry, you guys aren't alone. Here comes State Farm to join the party!



Again... why would I want to be like these people? At least the obnoxious assholes in the Sears and Toyota ads appeared mostly to get along with each other.

[Wife is singing karaoke to TLC's "Waterfalls"]
Husband: "Oh, look! Mommy spent your diaper money on a karaoke disaster!"

Instantly I hate everyone involved with this ad. What is the insistence on depicting relationships where people spend most of their time bickering? Also, fuck this guy and his supremely hipster mustache.

Husband: "I thought you were getting renter's insurance."

"And because I am an asshole, my immediate assumption based on this scenario not perfectly matching the one I expected was that you did something incredibly stupid, and then I yelled at you about it, despite having no actual information. This is what marriage is like."

Wife: "Done. I got our stuff covered for like four bucks a month."
Husband: "Four bucks, huh? Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there."
[Agent appears]
Husband: "Hey, Clyde, why is my wife lying about our insurance?"

You are SUCH an asshole. Man, I can't wait until this guy gets his comeuppance.

Clyde: "When you have State Farm car insurance, you can add renter's for about four more bucks a month."
Wife: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there - with an apology!"
Clyde: "It doesn't work like that, Julie."
Husband: "Boom."

Look, what the fuck? First of all, since WHEN does it not work like that? This is literally the first time in all of these stupid spots that someone has not gotten what they asked for, and that included having "the girl from 4E" suddenly appear in your apartment for sex. Second of all, why, exactly, is the wife made to look stupid here when the husband is an asshole throughout the ad and then CONTINUES to be an asshole despite being completely wrong? Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there with divorce papers.

This isn't the only State Farm ad currently running that I have this sort of problem with, either.



[Husband is on the phone in a darkened living room]
Husband: "Yeah, I'm married - does it matter? You'd do that for me? Really? Yeah, I'd like that!"

See, it's funny, because it sounds like he's talking to a phone sex operator! Or whatever. State Farm, I don't think you understand that you cannot have this be the opening joke and then ALSO go where you go with this.

Wife: "Who are you talking to?"
Husband: "Uh, it's Jake, from State Farm. Sounds like a really good deal."
Wife: "Jake from State Farm, at three in the morning? Who is this?"
Husband: "It's Jake, from State Farm."
Wife: "What are you wearing, 'Jake from State Farm?'"
Jake: "Uh... khakis?"
Wife: "She sounds hideous!"
Husband: "Well, she's a guy, so."

Here's why I hate this ad: why is the wife being made to look like a total psycho? It's actually a bit different from the last ad. In that one, the woman is right but is refused the credit she deserves. In this one, the woman is wrong - but the problem is that the ad casts her as not just wrong (since it sets up a scenario where you'd expect her to misjudge) but completely over the top in her wrongness. In the first ad, the husband is over the top in his wrongness, but he is allowed the last laugh without ever having to admit he was wrong. In the second ad, the husband again gets the last laugh, and he doesn't ever have to admit that, let's face it, talking to State Farm about your policy at three in the morning is maybe a little weird and suspicious.

Even in other ads that don't come down so heavily on the side of the man (and unaccountably so at that), State Farm seems to relish depicting conflict between the sexes, be it a wife demanding to know how her husband came by a falcon (do note that every single person in that ad shown with an extravagant purchase is a man, which is sort of sexist against both men and women at the same time, an impressive feat) or a couple fighting at the scene of an accident and using the "power" of State Farm to change each other into different people. (Again in that second one the woman clearly comes off worse. And again, the jingle can turn your girlfriend into a statuesque model in tight clothing but it CAN'T GET YOUR HUSBAND TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE?)

Maybe there's some study I'm unaware of which shows that couples who fight all the time (and thus are most likely to recognize themselves in these ads) buy more insurance than couples who don't. But I kind of have a hard time believing that. If anything, insurance (given its necessity in the modern world) is one thing that there's no reason for couples to fight over. So what does State Farm do? Introduce all kinds of other conflict in its insurance ads. Because you know what's funny: a nice awkward bit of bickering between a couple you don't know, right in front of you. Sorry, did I say funny? I meant excruciating. Like a good clicker, my remote control is there - with a new channel whenever these stupid things come on.

Dr. Pepper Ten is more sexist than regular Dr. Pepper

Oh, what the FUCK, you guys.



Honestly, how much sillier would this commercial have to be before you would just think it was a spoof? Maybe five percent?

[Action film stuff is happening. Big tough army guy is running through the jungle.]
Tough Guy: "Hey, ladies. Enjoying the film? Of course not!"

Of course not! Women don't like action movies, or so goes the stereotype. And this commercial does nothing if not ridiculously pander to stereotypes.

Tough Guy: "Because this is our movie!"

Here we go again.

In a time where ABC's fall comedy lineup includes not one but TWO sitcoms premised entirely around the idea that the "male identity" is under some kind of confusing external threat, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by ads like this. And yet I am, every single time. Because in the world I live in - rather than the one depicted in TV commercials - you can be a man and have no interest in muscle cars. You can be a woman and enjoy watching action movies. And, for fuck's sake, you can be a man and pick up a can of soda that says "Diet" on it without recoiling like it was an erect penis. (Because no homo, you guys, seriously.)

Tough Guy: "And Dr. Pepper Ten is our soda!"

No, I guess you can't. "Hey, I know Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper, but fuck THAT shit. Diets are for women."

Tough Guy: "It's only ten manly calories, but with all 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper."

Diet Dr. Pepper also has those flavors. It's a key part of your advertisements for that product. So the difference between men and women isn't taste - no, it's TEN CALORIES. High fructose corn syrup - which is the sugar component in Dr. Pepper Ten - is four calories a gram (as carbohydrates are). So the difference between the manliest soda alive and a diet drink that's just for GIRLS is a big two and a half grams of sugar.

Wait a second... two and a half grams... Two and a Half Men... are you guys thinking what I'm thinking here? Cross-promotion! The original manly men's sitcom (it's right in the theme song!) and the new manly men's soda.

Tough Guy: "It's what guys want!"

Yeah, aren't you always hanging out with your bros, and then one of them starts complaining that there's only Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper in the cooler, and that as a MAN who is totally super MANLY but is ALSO concerned about his calorie intake, what he wants is the incredibly masculine taste of Dr. Pepper Ten? And then you pointed out that he was the one who brought the cooler full of nothing but Dr. Pepper in the first place, and that you all know that he's Dr. Pepper's brand manager and could he please just talk about something else for two goddamn minutes.

Tough Guy: "Like this!"
[throws can, springs trap on pursuing motorcyclists]
Tough Guy: "Catchphrase!"

By the way, Dr. Pepper, don't think it's not obvious how much of this ad was clearly ripped from those Old Spice commercials everyone liked.

Tough Guy: "So you can keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks. We're good."

Diet Dr. Pepper: lady drink. Do not ever purchase this product again, people with a Y chromosome, or Dr. Pepper executives will be waiting at the checkout to call you a fag.

Tough Guy: "Dr. Pepper Ten: It's not for women!"

Hear that, more than half of the US population? Don't even THINK about buying our product! We are marketing exclusively to tough guys who are worried about their weight and also totally insecure about their masculinity and who ALSO love Dr. Pepper and refuse to drink anything else. So to Steve Johnson of Seattle, Washington and Bill Smith of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania: there's finally a soda for you! Get to the store right now and pick up some Dr. Pepper Ten, before this ridiculously clumsy sales pitch ensures it vanishes from shelves forever!

Grab life by the balls

Good news, ladies. You won! You're not just equal to your male counterparts - you're ahead of them. You control everything. What's that? You don't believe me? You say men still regularly make more than women, and hold the vast majority of positions of power in this country, and really the world? Well, that can't be right. I mean, did you not see that Dodge Charger ad that aired during the Super Bowl?



See?

Man 1: "I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30 am. I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast. I will shave. I will clean the sink after I shave."

Maybe they should have chosen a guy who hadn't clearly already shaved for this one. Anyway, let's keep a tally of which of the things mentioned in this ad are (a) completely normal, (b) common courtesy, or (c) actually maybe emasculating in some way.

Walking the dog: I mean, it's probably your dog, asshole. If it's her dog, and it's some yappy toy poodle or something, I guess that's annoying. Still, I would class this as (a).

Eating fruit: Yeah! Fruit is for pussies! Normally it's all I can do to choke down half a banana. Plus eating a banana makes me feel kinda gay. Lord. This is clearly (a).

Shaving: Yes, how unusual. Guys never shave unless women make them, right? (a).

Cleaning the sink: God forbid. (b).

Man 2: "I will be at work by 8 am. I will sit through two-hour meetings. I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will be quiet when you don't want to hear me say no."

Okay, those first two things are completely normal and have little to nothing to do with women. Bitches, man - always forcing you to... work... like a normal human being would... (a). As for the latter two... maybe work on your communication. If you're in a relationship with a woman and you're too afraid to contradict her, you have bigger problems than your car. But, I guess that's a (c) for each of those.

Man 3: "I will take your call. I will listen to your opinion of my friends. I will listen to your friends' opinions of my friends. I will be civil to your mother."

The first and last are, again, things that I think any reasonable person would not be off-base in expecting. Both are either (a) or (b). The middle two... I guess they're (c). But this hypothetical woman sounds kind of unpleasant. Maybe you should just break up. Though I call bullshit on this dude even having a girlfriend. He needs to take Man 1's advice and find a razor, just for starters.

At this point, by the way, the commercial is half over. What's it for? Who knows?

Man 4: "I will put the seat down. I will separate the recycling. I will carry your lip balm. I will watch your vampire TV shows with you. I will take my socks off before getting into bed. I will put my underwear in the basket."

B, A, who fucking cares about a lip balm tube that weighs half an ounce, I guess C, you're a ridiculous asshole if you wear socks to bed, and B.

Man 4: "And because I do this... I will drive the car I want to drive."

"Yeah, honey, I know that buying a new car is a big decision. And I know you want a minivan because of the kids. But I clean up after myself - only for your benefit because I'm perfectly happy living in filth, I should clarify - and occasionally carry your lip balm. Therefore I'm getting a car that is completely impractical for our family."

Announcer: "Charger: Man's Last Stand."

Not to get all heavy on you, but did you ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high? It's because of shit like this. Man and woman are not natural enemies, Dodge, you assholes. A relationship involves give and take, yes. But it really shouldn't be about scoring cheap points that you try to cash in later by holding them over the other person's head and demanding some form of equity. And no one can reasonably argue that doing things that any halfway considerate person should understand are just normal parts of life with another person constitutes just cause for buying a muscle car. I mean, if you have enough money to have two cars, and you already have the family-friendly car, then whatever. You want to drive a Charger, that's probably fine. But the entire implication behind this commercial is "Your wife is not going to want you to drive this car! Point out that either you're going to drive it or you're going to toss your underwear over the blades of the ceiling fan, and she's going to like it!"

And honestly, "Man's last stand?" I do have to applaud Dodge for the sheer balls it takes to be an American automaker - doing really well lately, as we all know - willing to say a big "Fuck you" to half the population right off the bat.

Final tally of things mentioned in the ad as emasculating reasons why dudes need to drive Dodge Chargers:
(a) Completely normal: 7
(b) Common courtesy: 6
(c) Actually maybe emasculating in some way: 5

C is less than either of the other two and way less than the total of A and B. I mean, fuck. Eating fruit? That's the best you can do? Fucking going to work like everyone does? These are the sacrifices that deserve the complete silence of your partner when you decide that you're going to be making the automotive decision unilaterally? Jesus.

Did you think that was it? It's not.



Announcer: "What is that thing?"

Some sort of car! What do I win? Is it more cheap jokes about being whipped and/or gay? I sure hope so!

Announcer: "Well, I'll tell you what it isn't. It isn't a 'man-bag.' It isn't 'man-sandals.' It isn't a low-cal plate. It isn't a yoga class. It isn't an exfoliant with added moisturizer, it isn't a couples cooking class, and it certainly isn't a small dog that needs to wear a jacket if the temperature drops below 70."

"It isn't picking up a box of tampons. It isn't being in the same room with a box of tampons. It isn't brushing your teeth before bed. It isn't not hitting on your wife's sister, right in front of your wife. It isn't washing your hands after you pee. It isn't remembering your anniversary. Oh, and it certainly isn't ever doing anything that would make you seem like less of a man in the eyes of a faceless corporate entity that is just trying to sell you something."

Announcer: "That's what it isn't."

Going to sell it at all? No? No price, no specs, the car doesn't even move. The entire selling point is, "If you don't buy this car, you're a total pussy who does everything your wife tells you to. Buy a fucking Charger or we're calling your friends and telling them you didn't have a huge, greasy hamburger for lunch every day of your life, but once ate something under four thousand calories, like the weenie you are." Why, you're probably the kind of spineless wimp who would drive a minivan!



Yeah! Wait.

Announcer: "There are guys who will smirk at you for buying a Dodge Grand Caravan."

Are you serious? Those guys are you. The entire point of the first ad in this post is "As a tradeoff for yielding incremental amounts of my masculinity in service of a long-term relationship, I ain't driving no minivan."

Announcer: "For some reason, having a minivan that happens to have the 2009 dependability award from JD Power and Associates isn't manly enough."

Yeah, I bet they see that and they think you're the kind of guy who orders the low-cal plate. Or carries his wife's lip balm. Fag.

Announcer: "Think about that for a second. Filling a car with five of your offspring isn't manly enough?"

Fuck that! Squeeze the kids into the trunk of the Dodge Charger. That's a real man's car! Unless we've decided that we want to sell you on a different model. Forget the Charger! Buy a Grand Caravan and prove your virility!

Here's an interesting tidbit. According to Road & Travel Magazine, "women purchase more than 50% of all new vehicles, 48% of all used vehicles, [and] influence 80% of all sales." Is that the kind of demographic you want to be completely ignoring, Dodge? Especially when it comes to selling a minivan, a family car, a car that a woman is almost certainly having a big say in deciding to purchase? You're going to sell it as "a good place to stash the fruit of your loins, the better to look virile in front of other men"? And then your other ads not only ignore women as purchasers, but actively mock men who dare to participate in anything you deem "too feminine." It's like this campaign fell through a wormhole from 1957, when women were expected to live in the kitchen and the only commercials targeted at them were for ovens and aluminum foil. With that in mind, here are some possible slogans Dodge may want to use going forward to address some of their marketing toward women without sacrificing their core message:

"Dodge: No girls allowed"

"Dodge: Bake me a pie"

"Dodge: I work hard all day to put food on that table"

"Dodge: Shut your whore mouth"

"Dodge: I'm going to the bar and dinner had better be ready when I get back"

The great American stereotype

Hey, I've got an idea - how about a new beer ad that uses the oldest joke in history to make a really boring point? That'd be fun, right?



Bartender: "Guys... let's talk commitment."
Group of Men: [horrified stares]

Like, ZOMG, you guys. Men who hate commitment! Did you know that that was a stereotype about men, that they fear commitment in relationships? Breaking some ground here, Budweiser. Next up, let's see them scratch themselves, then weasel out of chores.

Bartender: "Relax... I'm talking about beer."

"Oh thank GOD! Beer! Something we, as men, understand!"

Bartender: "Budweiser has stayed true to the same recipe for over 130 years."

If you're going with something as specific as "130," you might as well just say how many years, don't you think? Also, you'd think after 130 years they could produce something anyone who actually likes beer and isn't just looking to get buzzed at the baseball game would want to drink. No such luck.

Bartender: "Through five generations! They could have cut corners, but they didn't."

One can only imagine what Bud would be like today if corners had been cut. Just a six-pack of Clydesdale urine?

Bartender: "'Cause they won't sacrifice quality, or great taste."

I suppose it's difficult to sacrifice something that was never in there to begin with. Got you, Budweiser! Burned!

Bartender: [with unnecessarily staccato cadence] "A hundred. And thirty. Years."

Heard you the first time. Still don't care.

Bartender: "Now that's commitment."
Guy: "I love commitment."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh man!!!!! He loves commitment now! Because of that great talk about beer and stuff! He only loves commitment when related to beer. Such a male thing to do.

I suppose Budweiser doesn't need aggressive marketing. But they tried to work in a point about their product, so no passes. It's just so trite and boring. "Hey, did you know men are scared of commitment? But what if it was some sort of beer-related commitment? Oh, that's okay." Fin.

This Commercial Contains No Arsenic

When the only thing you have to say about your product is what is doesn't contain, you have a marketing problem:



Scene: (Guys singing a drinking song in squeaky high-pitched voices and swilling fictional "Beck's with Helium.")

Voiceover: We could have put strange things in our beer, but we didn't.

High-pitched voices are hilarious to people over the age of 21, no question about that. But this is an interesting concept; the idea of stuff your product doesn't have. Why haven't other companies used this in their commercials?

Apple: We could have put minced garlic inside our iPod Nanos, but we didn't.

Ford: We could have made our pick-ups out of styrofoam, but we didn't.

Coca-Cola: We could have called our cola "Pepsi," but we didn't.

GE: We could have made watchable commercials, but we didn't.

Voiceover: Beck's -- choosing to use only 4 all-natural ingredients for over 125 years.

Nice. It's a good thing they put this in their ad, because Beck's is the only do-gooder who uses natural ingredients. Hey Budweiser! PWNED! Beck's is on to your little game and all that chemical waste you pump into your beers! You hillbillies probably use something disgusting like, uh, chicken hearts or something in your beer! Nasty, dude, just nas - wait, I'm being told there's not actually any chicken hearts, or for that matter, any artificial ingredients involved in Budweiser. Well, try doing it for 125 years, assholes!.... oooohhhh, shit... It's apparently been 131.

Well, how about fellow European brewer Heineken? What's in your beer, you big fakers. You nerdy Dutch chemists with your genetically-modified tulips and your -- oh, wait, what? You're using water, malted barley, hops and yeast to brew your beer? Well, whatever, Beck's only uses FOUR, dude! Four ingredi - oh wait, that is only four ingredients....

I wonder how the Beer Drinker demographic crosses over into the All-Natural Foods demographic, anyway.


The lesson here is not to advertise your product by what it isn't. The title of this post refers to an old adage from Ye Olde Ad Man David Ogilvy that you should avoid using negatives in your ads (his book used to be obligatory reading material in college marketing classes.) The danger is that the consumer could miss the negative altogether -- in Ogilvy's example, if you're a salt company and your headline is "Our salt contains no arsenic," people perusing a magazine or flipping through channels could read it as "This salt contains arsenic." And in Ogilvy's time, you got a lot more of the consumer's attention, because there was a lot less advertising out there.

Just think about what you're competing with now -- talking about what your product isn't will confuse people when you've only got a tiny fraction of their attention. Best case scenario, your consumers will get a little laugh. Worst case, your audience will think you're selling something you're not.

Now why can't I find that new Beck's with Helium at the liquor store...

Fantasy Rule #1: Be as obnoxious as possible

Lately I've found myself getting more and more annoyed with the omnipresence of football in this country. I like football, but there are entire three-hour radio shows devoted to talking about it in the middle of the offseason. That's overkill. Also overkill? The growth of fantasy football, which has itself led to radio and TV shows devoted entirely to which player you should take, as well as commercials like this:



I am going to go on record here: yes, there is an excuse for missing your fantasy football draft. In fact, I can think of an awful lot of things more important than fantasy football. Besides, I'm going to assume that the couple getting married had their wedding planned out pretty far in advance. Did none of this guy's draft buddies get his "save the date" card? Oh, what am I thinking - they're sports-loving men! The card probably came in a pink envelope, which means that just looking at it gave them hives.

Truth be told, though, this commercial probably doesn't go far enough. By being funny, the NFL is hedging a little bit; we know they sincerely believe that this guy should have made time for his draft, since that's the product they're selling, but they're hiding it just a little behind the joke. So here are some other concepts I think they could use in future commercials just so no one is unclear on the NFL's stance:

* The guy being called is in a hospital room, about to be handed his newborn child

* The guy being called is at his mother's funeral

* The guy being called is in a hospital room in a full body cast

* The guy being called is in the middle of a marriage counseling session with his fed-up wife

* The guy being called is lying dead on the floor as the phone rings in the background